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FunTranscript
00:00Who is it?
00:05Stripper Graham!
00:10Tag, you're it.
00:14Shouldn't you put him in a brown paper bag and set him on fire?
00:19I've never slept on an air mattress before.
00:24No lumbar support whatsoever.
00:28Maybe you'd be happier on a park bench.
00:32I don't see any way to get a park bench in here.
00:36Do you want to switch?
00:37No, that's fine. I'm perfectly comfortable sleeping on a bouncy castle.
00:44Get out of bed, we're switching.
00:46But now, only if you want to.
00:47Just get in the bed.
00:49What's going on? Are you boys roughhousing?
00:55Just talking, Ma.
00:57If you don't settle down right now, I'm not going to let you have any more sleepovers.
01:05God's sake, Ma, I'm 27 years old.
01:09It's not even a school night.
01:16Comfy now?
01:17Meh.
01:23A poster of Halle Berry's a little unnerving.
01:28So don't look at it.
01:30She's like my fourth favorite Catwoman.
01:32No kidding.
01:33Yeah, Julie Newmar, Michelle Pfeiffer, Eartha Kitt, then her.
01:36What about Leigh Merriweather?
01:38Oh, I forgot about Leigh Merriweather.
01:41I'm glad that's settled.
01:44That makes Halle Berry my fifth favorite Catwoman.
01:47Julie Newmar, Michelle Pfeiffer, Eartha Kitt, Leigh Merriweather.
01:50Please, I'm begging you, go to sleep.
01:52I'm trying. I'm counting Catwomen.
01:59You sure did make a fine mutant in the X-Men movies, though.
02:02Oh, for God's sake.
02:03You should know my favorite of the X-Men, in order that would be Wolverine, Cyclops.
02:06Oh, wait, I forgot Professor X.
02:08Professor X, Wolverine, Cyclops, Iceman, then Storm, Angel, The Beat.
02:12No, wait, Nightcrawler.
02:14Professor X, Nightcrawler, Wolverine, Cyclops, Iceman, then Storm.
02:21I'm coming.
02:23Hey.
02:26There he is. There my old buddy-bud-bud.
02:33No, it wasn't my cat. It was an experiment designed by this guy named Schrodinger.
02:39From the Charlie Brown cartoons?
02:43No, he was some kind of scientist. Let me start again.
02:47Oh, hey, Leonard.
02:48Hello.
02:49Hi.
02:54Okay, well, goodnight.
02:59Okay, well, goodnight.
03:03That ain't gonna make your point.
03:18Okay, okay, that's enough.
03:22Call me.
03:25Right.
03:28Well, okay, goodnight.
03:30Uh, what?
03:31Have a great time, chow.
03:33So, I heard your relationship with Penny crashed to the ground like blue ice falling out of an airplane lavatory.
03:40Where'd you hear that?
03:41Actually, I read it. Wolowitz texted me.
03:45Like blue ice falling out of an airplane lavatory, yeah?
03:48Yeah, I thought it was a pretty good one. I gave him an LOL.
03:52Anyway, it got me thinking, now that you're unattached, maybe we can revisit our previous attachment.
03:58Are you suggesting another bout of stress release?
04:01No, I'm all done with casual sex. From now on, I'm fully committed to the traditional relationship paradigm.
04:06Really? What changed?
04:08It's hard to say. I guess there's just a time in every woman's life when she gets tired of waking up on a strange futon with a bunch of people she doesn't know.
04:16Yeah, I can see how that would—a bunch of people?
04:19Anyway, I just figure it's time to slow things down, and who better to slow things down with than you?
04:26I'm flattered.
04:29So, how do you suggest we proceed?
04:32Your place, we'll order Chinese, you'll rent a movie, artsy but accessible, then light petting, no coitus.
04:39Sounds fun.
04:41I'll leave the details up to you. I think it's better if you assume the male role.
04:47Thank you, that's very thoughtful.
04:49Great.
04:51Call me.
04:54When the two of you reach a natural stopping point, I'd like to have a word.
04:58If the word is pee-pee, just do it.
05:06Leonard, you're my friend. And friends support their friends, apparently.
05:12So I'm withdrawing my objection to your desire to have a relationship with Leslie.
05:19I will graciously overlook the fact that she is an arrogant, subpar scientist
05:23who actually believes loop quantum gravity better unites quantum mechanics with general relativity than does string theory.
05:30You kids have fun.
05:33Hang on a second.
05:35Loop quantum gravity clearly offers more testable predictions than string theory.
05:39I'm listening. Amuse me.
05:42Okay, well, for one thing, we expect quantized space-time to be the same as quantum physics.
05:47Okay, well, for one thing, we expect quantized space-time to manifest itself as minute differences in the speed of light for different colors.
05:53Balderdash. Matter clearly consists of tiny strings.
05:59Are you going to let him talk to me like that?
06:06Okay, well, there's a lot of merit to both theories.
06:09No, there isn't. Only loop quantum gravity calculates the entropy of black holes.
06:14Sheldon, don't make that noise. It's disrespectful.
06:18I should hope so. It was a snort of derision.
06:21You agree with me, right? Loop quantum gravity is the future of physics.
06:26Sorry, Leslie. I guess I prefer my space stringy not loopy.
06:30Well, I'm glad I found out the truth about you before this went any further.
06:34Truth? What truth? We're talking about untested hypotheses. It's no big deal.
06:40Oh, it isn't, really? Tell me, Leonard. How will we raise the children?
06:46I guess we wait until they're old enough and let them choose their own theory.
06:51We can't let them choose, Leonard. They're children.
06:56Wait, where are you going?
06:59I'm sorry. I could have accepted our kids being genetically unable to eat ice cream or ever get a good view of a parade.
07:06But this? This is a deal breaker.
07:21Look on the bright side.
07:25What's the bright side?
07:27Only nine more months to Comic-Con.
07:30Oh, yeah. Everything has to do with sex.
07:33Hmm. Testify.
07:37I'm not touching that.
07:41Leslie, you are way off base here.
07:43Hang on, Leonard. Well, I have no respect for Leslie as a scientist or a human being, for that matter.
07:49We have to concede her undeniable expertise in the interrelated fields of promiscuity and general sluttiness.
07:55Thank you. My point is that Tinkerbell just needs to get her some.
08:00Some what? Oh, yes. Some sexual intercourse.
08:05I'll take the bullet.
08:09Excuse me. This whole idea is insane.
08:11Enough debate. I'm going to take action.
08:14Excuse me. Are you currently involved in a sexual relationship?
08:19Excuse me. Are you currently involved in a sexual relationship?
08:25No. Would you like to be?
08:30Uh, sure. Why not?
08:34Sheldon?
08:37Can I have your phone number?
08:41Uh, yeah.
08:50There. Problem solved.
08:55Dumbass.
08:58Penny, are you experiencing some sort of difficulty?
09:00Yes. I can't get my stupid door open.
09:03You appear to have put your car key in the door lock. Are you aware of that?
09:08Yeah.
09:10All right, then.
09:13Dammit. Dammit. Dammit. Dammit. Dammit. Dammit.
09:17Dammit. Dammit. Dammit. Dammit. Dammit. Dammit.
09:20Would it be possible for you to do this a little more quietly?
09:24I can't get the damn key out.
09:26That's not surprising. That Baldwin lock on your door uses traditional edge-mounted cylinders,
09:31whereas the key for your Volkswagen uses a center cylinder system.
09:37Thank you, Sheldon.
09:39You're welcome.
09:41Point of inquiry, why did you put your car key in the door lock?
09:45Why? I'll tell you why.
09:46Because today I had an audition. It took me two hours to get there.
09:49I waited an hour for my turn.
09:50And before I could even start, they told me I looked too Midwest for the part.
09:54Too Midwest. What the hell does that even mean?
09:56Well, the American Midwest was mostly settled by Scandinavian and Germanic people.
10:01They have a characteristic facial...
10:02I know what it means, Sheldon!
10:05God!
10:06You know, I have been in L.A. for almost two years now, and I haven't gotten a single acting job.
10:10I've accomplished nothing.
10:12I haven't gotten a raise at work.
10:13I haven't even had sex in six months.
10:15And just now, when I was walking up those stairs, a fly flew in my mouth, and I ate it!
10:21Well, actually, insects are a dietary staple in many cultures.
10:24They're almost pure protein.
10:27I'm a son of a bitch!
10:30I believe the condensation on your frozen foods weakened the structural integrity of the bag.
10:35But returning to your key conundrum,
10:37perhaps you should call a locksmith and have him open the door for you.
10:40I did! He said he'll get here when he gets here.
10:43And you're frustrated because he phrased his reply in the form of a meaningless tautology?
10:47No!
10:49I am frustrated because I am a failure at everything, and my breath smells like flies!
10:59There, there.
11:01There, there.
11:10Would you prefer to wait in our apartment?
11:13No, Sheldon, I'd rather sit on this freezing cold floor sobbing like a three-year-old.
11:17All right, then.
11:20For God's sake.
11:24Just when I think I've gotten the hang of sarcasm.
11:28Let's see, Raj was the Kung Pao chicken?
11:30I'm the dumplings.
11:31Yes, you are.
11:34Creepy, Howard.
11:36Creepy good or creepy bad?
11:39Who was the shrimp with lobster sauce?
11:41That would be me. Come to papa, you un-kosher delight.
11:46I'm not necessarily talking to the food.
11:54Sit over there.
11:58Sit over there.
12:09Baby wipe?
12:11Why do you have a baby wipe?
12:12No, don't, don't!
12:15I'll tell you why.
12:16Aww.
12:17I had to sanitize my hands because the university replaced the paper towels in the restrooms with hot air blowers.
12:23Oh, I thought the blowers were more sanitary.
12:25They really don't.
12:27Hot air blowers are incubators and spewers of bacteria and pestilence.
12:31Frankly, it'd be more hygienic if they just had a plague-infested Gibbon sneeze my hands dry.
12:36Hey, guys, I just got the most amazing news.
12:42Gosh, Raj, do you think you'll ever be able to talk in front of me without being drunk?
12:48Okay, well, I'll try.
12:51Okay, well, I'll just go eat by myself.
12:55Honey, you don't have to do that.
12:57Oh, it's okay. Between him not talking, him talking, and him, I'm better off alone.
13:04So, goodbye, you poor, strange little man.
13:12She's so considerate.
13:14So, what's your news?
13:15Remember that little planetary object I spotted beyond the Kuiper belt?
13:18Oh, yeah, 2-0-0-8-N-Q-sub-17.
13:20Or as I call it, Planet Bollywood.
13:24Anyway, because of my discovery, People magazine is naming me one of their 30 Under 30 to watch.
13:29Raj, that's incredible.
13:32Excuse me, your 30 what Under 30 what to watch what?
13:3830 visionaries Under 30 years of age to watch as they challenge the preconceptions of the fields.
13:44If I had a million guesses, I never would have gotten that.
13:48It's pretty cool, they've got me in with a guy who's doing something about hunger in Indonesia,
13:51and a psychotherapist who's using dolphins to rehabilitate prisoners,
13:55and Ellen Page, star of the charming independent film Juno.
14:00Alright, so do her.
14:04You do the dolphins.
14:07Do I get an honorable mention for designing the telescope camera mounting bracket you used?
14:11Sorry, it's not part of my heartwarming and personal narrative
14:14in which a humble boy from New Delhi overcame poverty and prejudice
14:18and journeyed to America to reach for the stars.
14:21Poverty? Your father's a gynecologist, he drives a Bentley.
14:26It's a lease.
14:30I'm confused.
14:32Was there some sort of peer review committee to determine which scientists would be included?
14:37Peer review? It's People magazine.
14:39People picked me.
14:41What people?
14:43The people from People.
14:45Yeah, but exactly who are these people?
14:47What are their credentials? How are they qualified?
14:49What makes accidentally noticing a hunk of rock that's been traipsing around the solar system for billions of years
14:55more noteworthy than any other scientific accomplishment made by someone under 30?
15:01Boy, I bet Ellen Page's friends aren't giving her this kind of crap.
15:09You proud of yourself?
15:12In general, yes.
15:14Okay, that's it. Let's boot it up.
15:18Booting.
15:20This is a state-of-the-art simulator.
15:22I adapted it from something a friend of mine designed for the army.
15:25Is that why I appear to be in downtown Fallujah behind the wheel of an up-armored Humvee?
15:30I haven't configured it yet.
15:33Let's see. Bradley tank, transport truck, Batmobile.
15:38No.
15:40Here we go. Red 2006 Ford Taurus on the streets of Pasadena.
15:46What?
15:47Statistically, red cars are stopped by police far more often than any other color.
15:51I don't want any hassles with the fuzz.
15:55Fine. What color do you want?
15:57You know the pale blue of Luke Skywalker's lightsaber?
16:02Before it was digitally remastered.
16:07Black it is.
16:10Okay, now what you want to do first is turn on the ignition and shift into drive.
16:14I haven't fastened my seatbelt yet.
16:19Okay, fasten your seatbelt.
16:28Click.
16:31Now, are there airbags?
16:32You don't need airbags.
16:34What does a simulated van rear-ends mean?
16:36I'll hit you in the face with a pillow.
16:41Oh, my God.
16:47Okay, now shift into drive.
16:49Pull out slowly into traffic.
16:52Oh!
16:54Watch out! Watch out!
16:56Brake! Brake!
16:57Wait! Wait!
16:59Hit the brakes! Hit the brakes!
17:11Oh, my God!
17:18Sorry. Excuse me.
17:22My bad.
17:26Student driver!
17:29How did you manage to get on the second floor of the Glendale Galleria?
17:34I don't know.
17:35I was on the Pasadena Freeway.
17:37I missed my exit. Flew off the overpass.
17:39One thing led to another.
17:43Maybe you want to give it a rest and try again tomorrow?
17:46No. I quit.
17:56Oh, the pet store.
18:00Remind me to compliment Walowitz on the software.
18:02That's amazingly detailed.
18:05I still don't see why I need a driver's license.
18:08Albert Einstein never had a driver's license.
18:12Yeah, but Albert Einstein didn't make me wet myself at 40 miles an hour.
18:17Yeah, and I never wanted to kick Albert Einstein in the nuts.
18:24You know, I gotta ask.
18:25Why didn't you just get a license at 16 like everybody else?
18:28I was otherwise engaged.
18:31Doing what?
18:33Examining perturbative amplitudes in n equals 4 supersymmetric theories
18:36leading to a re-examination of the ultraviolet properties
18:39of multi-loop n equals 8 supergravity using modern twistor theory.
18:46Well, how about when you were 17?
18:50Take this to the testing area.
18:51Put your name at the top. Sign at the bottom.
18:53Answer the question and bring it back.
18:54Next!
19:03Application?
19:05I'm actually more of a theorist.
19:10The application in your hand. Give it to her.
19:12Oh.
19:17Take this to the testing area.
19:18Put your name at the top. Sign at the bottom.
19:20Answer the question and bring it back.
19:21Next!
19:22Excuse me, but I have some concerns about these questions.
19:27Look at that sign up there.
19:29Yes?
19:30Does it say, I give a damn?
19:34No.
19:35That's because I don't.
19:37Just look.
19:38See, this first question makes no sense.
19:40How many car lengths should you leave in front of you when driving?
19:44There's no possible way to answer that.
19:46A car length is not a standardized unit of measure.
19:51Look at the sign.
19:53Sheldon, it's C. Just put down C.
19:55I don't need your help, Penny.
19:56Listen to that little girl, honey. Put C.
19:58Next!
19:59No, no, wait. Hang on.
20:00Look at this next question.
20:01Sheldon, why are you arguing with the DMV?
20:05How else are they going to learn?
20:09Look.
20:10Question two.
20:11When are roadways most slippery?
20:13Now, okay, there are three answers, none of which are correct.
20:16The correct answer is when covered by a film of liquid
20:19sufficient to reduce the coefficient of static friction
20:21between the tire and the road to essentially zero,
20:23but not so deep as to introduce a new source of friction.
20:27Here's your learner's permit. Go away.
20:31But I'm not done.
20:32I have many additional concerns about these questions.
20:34Don't make me climb over this counter.
20:36All right, come on. Let's go.
20:40Next.
20:42Aced it.
20:44Hey, guys.
20:45Hey, Leslie.
20:46So, dumbass, I heard you made a grad student throw up last night.
20:50The truth can indeed be deceiving.
20:52I made a grad student throw up last night.
20:55The truth can indeed be a finger down the throat
20:57of those unprepared to hear it.
21:00But why should I cater to second-rate minds?
21:03Because first-rate minds call you dumbass?
21:08Oh, yeah?
21:10You're a mean person.
21:13Excuse me, Dr. Cooper?
21:15I'm Ramona Nowitzki. I was at your talk last night.
21:18I think you're just brilliant.
21:20That's a prevailing opinion.
21:23Now I'm going to throw up.
21:26Howard Wolowitz, Department of Engineering.
21:28Co-designer of the International Space Station's
21:30Liquid Waste Disposal System.
21:35Ew.
21:40Dr. Cooper, I've read everything you've published.
21:42I especially liked your paper on grand unification
21:44using string-network condensates,
21:46and was wondering how you determined that three-dimensional string nets
21:48are a unified picture of fermions and gauge bosons.
21:52Amazing. An intelligent labradoodle.
21:56Woof.
22:00The fact is, I'm quite close to a breakthrough
22:02in showing how neutrinos emerge from a string-net condensate.
22:05Oh, my God. That would change the way we view the entire physical universe.
22:08It's what I do.
22:11You know, the Pishkin-Wolowitz Liquid Waste Disposal System
22:14is turning a few heads as well.
22:19Again. Ew.
22:24You know, I'd love to hear more about how you intend to add neutrinos.
22:27Could we get a cup of coffee sometime?
22:29I don't drink coffee.
22:31I do. I love me a cup of joe.
22:34Well, it doesn't have to be coffee. How about dinner?
22:36I do eat dinner.
22:37Great. I know a terrific little Italian place.
22:39I never eat in strange restaurants.
22:41One runs the risk of non-standard cutlery.
22:45Excuse me?
22:46Sheldon lives in fear of the three-tine fork.
22:50Three tines is not a fork.
22:52Three tines is a trident.
22:53Forks are for eating. Tridents are for ruling the seven seas.
22:59What if I brought food to your place?
23:01That would be acceptable.
23:02On Mondays, I eat Thai food.
23:04Mee krab and chicken satay with extra peanut sauce from Siam Palace.
23:08You got it.
23:09I already have your address.
23:12What a nice girl.
23:15Sheldon, do you have any idea what just happened?
23:18Yes. Apparently, I'm getting a free dinner.
23:24Hi, Leonard.
23:25Hey, Ramona. Come on in.
23:26Thanks. Where should I put this?
23:28The kitchen's fine.
23:29Okay.
23:30Hey, what are you doing?
23:31I need to see this.
23:35The viewing area is right over there.
23:41Sheldon, your girl-date-person Ramona's here.
23:46Oh, hello.
23:47Oh, sorry I'm late.
23:48I just got so caught up reading the draft of your latest paper.
23:51Did you enjoy the humorous footnote where I illustrate mirror symmetry
23:54by likening it to The Flash playing tennis with himself?
23:57So funny.
23:59But the idea that you might be able to incorporate gravity,
24:02I have to tell you, I found it physically exhilarating.
24:08My hypotheses tend to have that effect.
24:12I'm sorry I didn't bring enough for your friends.
24:14I assumed we were going to be alone.
24:19Oh.
24:20Yeah, no, we were just going to watch, right?
24:26Oh, come on. Now we're going out.
24:27Oh, come on. We'll be quiet.
24:31Let's go.
24:33Okay, you two.
24:35Just have a nice...
24:37whatever this is.
24:42Okay, you guys, look.
24:43I know this is none of my business, but I just, I have to ask.
24:47What's Sheldon's deal?
24:52What do you mean, deal?
24:54You know, like, what's his deal?
24:56Is it girls? Guys? Sock puppets?
25:00Honestly, we've been operating under the assumption that he has no deal.
25:04Oh, come on. Everybody has a deal.
25:06Not Sheldon.
25:07Sheldon, over the years we've formulated many theories about how he might reproduce.
25:13I'm an advocate of mitosis.
25:17I'm sorry?
25:18I believe one day Sheldon will eat an enormous amount of Thai food
25:22and split into two Sheldons.
25:26On the other hand, I think Sheldon might be the larval form of his species
25:30and someday he'll spin a cocoon and emerge two months later with moth wings and an exoskeleton.
25:35Okay, well, thanks for the nightmares.
25:40Oh, Giselle's not getting kicked off.
25:42It's totally gonna be summer.
25:47What?
25:48Sheldon's onion ring. Just put it back.
25:50It's one onion ring.
25:51Just put it back before he comes.
25:53No, no, I don't think that's where it was.
25:55Okay, here he comes.
25:56Identify people. Wall of silence.
26:04Who touched my food?
26:05Penny. Penny did it.
26:09Why would you do that?
26:11I don't know. I was hungry. What's the big deal?
26:13The big deal is that nobody touches food on my plate.
26:17Alright, look, I didn't know. I'm sorry.
26:19Well, I'm sorry, but that is your second strike.
26:25What?
26:26You have two strikes.
26:28Three strikes and you're out.
26:31It's a sports metaphor.
26:35A sports metaphor?
26:36Yes, baseball.
26:40Alright, yeah, I'll play along. What was my first strike?
26:43March 18th. You violated my rule about forwarding email humor.
26:48I did?
26:49I trusted you with my email address and you betrayed that trust
26:52by sending me internet banality. Strike one.
26:56Touching my food. Strike two.
27:00Don't worry, they only stay on your record for a year.
27:04You can get them removed early, but you have to take his class.
27:08Oh, come on. I touched one onion ring.
27:11And then you put it back, compromising the integrity of all the other onion rings.
27:17Oh, honey, the buses don't go where you live, do they?
27:24Penny, I wish I could be more lenient with you,
27:26but since you've become a permanent member of our social group,
27:28I have to hold you to the same standards as everybody else.
27:31Congratulations, you're officially one of us.
27:35One of us. One of us.
27:39Well, what a thrill.
27:41You're sitting in my spot?
27:42Oh, you've got to be kidding me.
27:44Leonard, she's in my spot.
27:45Yeah, yeah, ugh.
27:47I don't care. I'm taking a stand.
27:49Alright, that's it. Strike three.
27:52Ooh, strike three.
27:54I'm banished? What the hell kind of crap is that?
27:58Don't worry, I'll talk to him.
28:00Yeah, you do that.
28:01Just so I know, would you be open to taking his class?
28:11Hello.
28:14Time to do your laundry, huh?
28:17Saturday night. Saturday is laundry night.
28:21I know. Every Saturday at 8.15.
28:24Saturday at 8.15. Easy to anticipate.
28:30What are you implying?
28:32I'm implying that you're a creature of habit.
28:35And if something were to prevent you from doing your laundry on Saturday at 8.15,
28:39you might find it...unpleasant.
28:49Knuckle under, my ass.
28:55Oh, no. Are all the machines taken?
29:01What are you going to do?
29:04No problem. I'll just do my laundry another night.
29:10Another night? Well, I guess you can try, but deep inside your heart,
29:15you'll know that laundry night is always Saturday night.
29:20Woman, you are playing with forces beyond your ken.
29:24Yeah, well, your ken can kiss my Barbie.
29:29Don't you think we should tell him you're not interested?
29:32You want me to stop and call him back right now?
29:35Dear God, no.
29:41Oh, Leonard.
29:43I'm so sorry.
29:46Oh, Leonard.
29:51You've reached Dr. Stephanie Barnett. Leave a message.
29:55Hey, it's me again, Howard.
29:59Listen, my cousins from Fort Lauderdale are flying in to meet you,
30:03so that means we're going to have to move the dinner to a restaurant.
30:07Tell her we're going to the Olive Garden.
30:11I have a coupon from the paper.
30:16I'm going to the Olive Garden, Ma.
30:20Oh, Mr. Bigshot with his red lobster.
30:25I'll call you back when we firm up the details.
30:29It's Howard.
30:32Gentlemen, I have a question about dating and relationships.
30:37What?
30:43You told me you were going to have the talk with him.
30:47I've been waiting for someone to have the talk with me.
30:50More to the point, it's about finding a way to keep Leonard and Stephanie together.
30:54Oh, I don't think you can.
30:56Why not? Look at Leonard's record.
30:5827 days with Joyce Kim.
31:00During which he defected to North Korea.
31:03Two booty calls with Leslie Winkle.
31:06Ordered him the nickname Speed of Light Leonard.
31:10And a three hour dinner with Penny.
31:12Which would have been two and a half if they ordered the souffle when they sat down.
31:16Based on the geometric progression, his relationship with Stephanie should have ended after 20 minutes.
31:21Yes, I'm aware of the math.
31:23Y equals 27 days over 12 to the nth.
31:25The issue remains.
31:28How do we circumvent his inevitable rejection?
31:31If you want to guarantee his appeal to Stephanie, your best bet would be to kill all the other men on the planet.
31:38I'll tell you what you shouldn't do.
31:39Don't spritz him with that body spray from the commercial where the women undress when they smell it.
31:43That doesn't work at all.
31:48No matter how much you put on.
31:52So that's all you've got? Apocalyptic genocide and go easy on the cologne?
31:58Yes.
32:00Leonard, congratulations.
32:02What for?
32:03Your Facebook status update.
32:05Leonard Hofstetter is in a relationship.
32:08What? No. No, that's not right.
32:11Oh man, did you switch your status before she did?
32:16Speaking as an expert, way to look needy.
32:20Seriously? You went first after only two weeks?
32:23That's bold.
32:25It's not bold. It's a mistake. I didn't change my status.
32:29Then who did?
32:35I had no choice. He cried in front of her.
32:39You hacked my Facebook account?
32:42Oh, it's hardly hacking when you use the same password for everything, Kal-El.
32:48Are you insane? Now she's going to think I'm desperate.
32:51You've destroyed this relationship.
32:54You know what the worst part is? You don't even understand what you did wrong
32:57because you can't conceive of something that you are not an expert in.
33:02In which I am not an expert.
33:03Don't even!
33:08Don't want to hear another word out of you.
33:10Ooh.
33:13What's wrong, Lassie? Timmy fall down the well?
33:20Oh, wow. She just updated her Facebook status.
33:24Stephanie Barnett is in a relationship with Leonard Hofstetter.
33:29Really?
33:33Oh, look at that. I have a girlfriend.
33:37If I'm permitted to speak again, Dr. Sheldon Cooper, for the win.
33:47I don't see anything at all, Sheldon.
33:50Now, you're the doctor, but I'm constantly hearing this annoying sound.
33:55Me too.
33:58Is it a high frequency whistle?
34:00No, it's more of a relentless narcissistic drone.
34:05Yep, there's no inflammation at all, Sheldon.
34:07Then it must be a tumor.
34:11Seriously doubt it.
34:13Maybe it's a lingering bacterial infection from all those childhood toilet swirlies.
34:19Is that possible? I used to get those all the time.
34:22Even in church.
34:25Well, you know, if it is from a swirly, there's something I can do.
34:30Circle, circle, dot, dot. Now you have a cootie shot.
34:36I'm going to bed.
34:38Okay, I'll be right in.
34:41It's not enough that she mocks me, but that isn't even the correct procedure for a cootie shot.
34:45Do you understand that Stephanie's not here to treat your imaginary ailments?
34:49How is it imaginary that I keep hearing an octave above middle C?
34:55Is that imaginary?
34:58I don't think so.
35:04Good night.
35:05Leonard, there's one more thing.
35:07Under Article 1, Section 3 of our roommate agreement, I'm calling an emergency meeting.
35:10No, you're not.
35:11Leonard moves the meeting not occur. Is there a second? None heard. The motion fails.
35:16I'd like to begin the meeting by congratulating you on the progress in your relationship with Dr. Stephanie.
35:23That being said, we have to discuss the implementation of the agreed-upon cohabitation rider,
35:28which has been activated now that the two of you are living together.
35:31We're not living together.
35:32I beg to disagree.
35:35A girlfriend shall be deemed, quote,
35:37living with, unquote, Leonard when she has stayed over for A, ten consecutive nights,
35:41or B, more than nine nights in a three-week period,
35:43or C, all the weekends of a given month plus three-week nights.
35:50That's absurd.
35:52You initialed it, see? L-H, L-H, L-H.
35:56Wait, I only initialed it because I never thought it would happen.
36:01I initialed another clause naming you my sidekick in case I get superpowered.
36:07Yes, you did.
36:08Now, to review, the following provisions are hereby activated.
36:13In the refrigerator, as opposed to us having two separate shelves and one communal shelf,
36:17the three of us now get individual shelves and the door becomes communal.
36:21Next, apartment vacuuming shall be increased from two to three times a week
36:25to accommodate the increased accumulation of dead skin cells.
36:28The bathroom schedule.
36:29Now, I'm given to understand women have different needs, so we'll have to discuss that.
36:36I'm going to bed.
36:39At least take this with you.
36:40Look, and have Stephanie initial.
36:42Here, here, here, here, and here.
36:48This states that she does not now, nor does she intend, to play a percussive or brass instrument.
37:09Sure sounds like a tumor pressing on the auditory nerve.
37:12No, absolutely not.
37:15It's not a big deal. We have latex gloves.
37:19I don't care what the symptoms are. My girlfriend is not going to give you a prostate exam.
37:26Hi, Sheldon.
37:27Good morning, Dr. Stephanie.
37:29I trust Leonard satisfied you sexually last night?
37:35Sheldon, we don't ask questions like that.
37:37I heard you ask it over and over.
37:40How is it inappropriate for me to ask it once?
37:43He did very nicely.
37:45See? She's not offended.
37:47And now you finally have an answer.
37:51Out of coffee, need coffee.
37:53Oh, hello.
37:54Hi, Stephanie, right?
37:57And you are?
37:59Penny, I live across the hall.
38:01I've heard a lot about you.
38:03Really? I haven't heard a thing about you.
38:15Leonard?
38:16Why haven't I heard a thing about this woman who lives across the hall
38:20and comes into your apartment in the morning in her underwear?
38:31She's heard about you because we're, you know, involved
38:35and you haven't heard about her because...
38:39I never slept with her, I swear.
38:42In Leonard's defense, it wasn't for lack of trying.
38:46Thank you, Sheldon.
38:48You're welcome, Leonard.
38:50Look, I'm just saying, um...
38:52Penny is one of our many neighbors, you know?
38:56In our building, neighbors come and go.
38:59It's very casual, no dress code.
39:02In fact, some mornings I'll just mosey down to the third floor in my pajamas
39:06and have cereal with Mrs. Vartabedian.
39:08Really? I've never once been invited to have cereal with Mrs. Vartabedian.
39:12She doesn't like you.
39:15Well, you have a gallbladder to remove
39:17and I have to get in the shower and Penny has clothes to put on, so...
39:22Well, it was very nice meeting you.
39:24Nice to finally meet you, too.
39:26And I'll see you tonight?
39:27Okay, bye-bye.
39:28Bye.
39:38What could I possibly have done to offend Mrs. Vartabedian?
39:42Your argument is lacking in all scientific merit.
39:45It is well established.
39:47Superman cleans his uniform by flying into Earth's yellow sun,
39:51which incinerates any contaminant matter
39:53and leaves the invulnerable Kryptonian fabric unharmed and daisy fresh.
39:58What if he gets something Kryptonian on it?
40:01Like what?
40:02I don't know, Kryptonian mustard.
40:05I think we can safely assume that all Kryptonian condiments were destroyed
40:08when the planet Krypton exploded.
40:11Or it turned into mustard kryptonite,
40:13the only way to destroy a rogue Kryptonian hot dog threatening Earth.
40:18Raj, please, let's stay serious here.
40:21Superman's body is Kryptonian, therefore his sweat is Kryptonian.
40:24Yeah, what about Kryptonian pit stains?
40:28Superman doesn't sweat on Earth.
40:30Okay, he's invited for dinner in the bottle city of Kandor.
40:32He miniaturizes himself, enters the city where he loses his superpowers.
40:35Now, before dinner, his host says,
40:37who's up for a little Kryptonian tetherball?
40:39Superman says, sure, works up a sweat, comes back to Earth,
40:42his uniform now stained with indestructible Kryptonian perspiration.
40:48Booyah.
40:52Superman would have taken his uniform to a Kandorian dry cleaner
40:55before he left the bottle.
40:58Kandorian dry clea...
40:59I give up, you can't have a rational argument with this man.
41:10Okay, I have just one question for you.
41:14While I am perfectly happy with the way things are between us,
41:16you said that you didn't want to go out with me because I was too smart for you.
41:19Well, newsflash, lady,
41:21David Underhill is ten times smarter than me.
41:24You'd have to drive a railroad spike into his brain for me to beat him at checkers.
41:30Next to him, I'm like one of those sign language gorillas
41:32who knows how to ask for grapes.
41:35So, my question is,
41:38what's up with that?
41:42Why are you yelling at me?
41:44Sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, never mind, we're cool.
41:49David is not smarter than you. He's an idiot.
41:53Really? Why would he say that?
41:55Because a smart guy takes the nude photos of his wife off his cell phone
41:59before he tries to take nude photos of his girlfriend.
42:04He tried to take nude photos of you?
42:07That's what you took from that?
42:11Howard, why don't we just work on the robot?
42:13Please, Leonard, not now.
42:14Once again, Penny and I have begun our little tango.
42:19Our tango?
42:20The carnal repartee, the erotic to-and-fro,
42:23but as delicious as the appetizer might be,
42:26at some point we will have to succumb and eat the entree while it's still...
42:38hot.
42:43I'm begging you, stop talking.
42:46Look, normally I can just ignore you.
42:48I mean, I get it, you're a little peculiar, you know, like Sheldon.
42:51Excuse me, Penny, but in this room you're the one who's peculiar.
42:57Yeah, you might be right.
43:00But back to you.
43:01I know you think you're some sort of smooth-talking ladies' man,
43:04but the truth is you are just pathetic and creepy.
43:08Um, so what are you saying?
43:13I am saying it is not a compliment to call me doable.
43:16It is not sexy to stare at my ass and say,
43:18ooh, it must be jelly because jam don't shake like that.
43:22And most important, we are not dancing a tango.
43:25We're not to-ing and fro-ing.
43:26Nothing is ever going to happen between us, ever.
43:30Wait a minute, this isn't flirting.
43:33You're serious.
43:35Flirting? You think I'm flirting with you?
43:37I am not flirting with you.
43:39No woman is ever going to flirt with you.
43:41You're just going to grow old and die alone.
43:47Thanks for the heads up.
43:51Howard, where are you going?
43:52I'm going home to live my creepy, pathetic life.
43:59Wow.
44:00Well, someone had to say it.
44:04Um...
44:07What?
44:08He said maybe we should enter you in the killer robot company.
44:17Do you think maybe sometimes you try too hard?
44:23Look at me.
44:25What chance do I have if I don't try too hard?
44:30Well, you'd have a terrific chance.
44:33I mean, you're smart, you're funny, you have a cool job.
44:36You build stuff that goes into outer space.
44:39I guess.
44:40No, look, I'm telling you, I've known you for like a year and a half
44:42and this is the first time I feel like I'm talking to a real person.
44:46And you know what? I like him.
44:49He's a nice guy.
44:52You really think so?
44:53Yes.
44:55I don't know.
44:57No, I do.
45:00Okay.
45:16Well, so much for making up for the emotional wounds of childhood.
45:22I did this.
45:24Monty was killed by my hubris and my pride.
45:27No matter what anybody says, this is my fault.
45:29No one's arguing with you, dude.
45:32I got your text. How bad is it?
45:37Forget the robot. What happened to you?
45:40He slipped and fell.
45:41Yes, I slipped and fell in the bathroom.
45:46Bounced right off the tub.
45:49Yes, now he knows what bathtubs are capable of doing
45:51when you don't treat them with respect.
45:54Yeah.
45:56They sucker punch you when your eyes are closed.
46:00So, what do you think, Howard?
46:02It's not that bad, right?
46:05Oh, no. A little electrical tape, some solder.
46:08Are you insane?
46:10I've seen space probes that crashed into the desert
46:12that were in better shape than this.
46:16You're right.
46:17Monty's gone.
46:19We'll bury him in the morning.
46:20It's a simple ceremony. I'll speak.
46:23Leonard, you'll play your cello.
46:26Sheldon, honey, aren't you getting a little carried away?
46:28I mean, it's just a toy robot.
46:32Just a toy robot?
46:40Penny.
46:42I know, I got it.
46:44Sheldon, I'm sorry.
46:49Well, don't get the wrong idea.
46:51The way I see it, I'm halfway to pity sex.
46:55Oh, no.