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00:00All right, this is an exact duplicate of the Wallowit Zero Gravity Human Waste Disposal System as deployed on the International Space Station.
00:07Don't you mean the Wallowit Zero Gravity Human Waste Distribution System?
00:18It's hilarious. Now, here's an approximation of the spare parts available on the space station.
00:25We've got to find a way using nothing but this to reinforce this so the waste material avoids the spinning turbine.
00:30You mean so it doesn't hit the fan?
00:37Yeah, I have to say, I thought the toilet humor would get less funny with repetition.
00:42Apparently there is no law of diminishing comedic returns with space poop.
00:47Houston, International Space Station, we have a little situation up here.
00:52We'd like to make an unscheduled spacewalk.
00:56ISS Houston, which crew members would be involved in this EVA?
01:00Houston, we'd all like to step outside for a few minutes.
01:05ISS, I'm afraid we can't authorize that.
01:09Houston, this is more of an FYI call.
01:13Houston, this is more of an FYI call. We are basically out the door.
01:20Sorry I'm late. I got great news.
01:23NASA picked my team's design for the Deep Field Space Telescope that's going on the International Space Station this spring.
01:30Wow!
01:32That's wonderful. Congratulations.
01:34It gets better. Someone has to go up with the telescope as a payload specialist.
01:40And guess who that someone is?
01:42Muhammad Lee.
01:46Who's Muhammad Lee?
01:48Muhammad is the most common first name in the world. Lee, the most common surname.
01:52As I didn't know the answer, I thought that gave me a mathematical edge.
01:57It's me, Sheldon. It's me. I'm going up in space. Technically, I'm an astronaut.
02:03Oh my God, that's amazing.
02:05Hang on a second. NASA doesn't have a shuttle anymore. How are you going to get up there?
02:10Well, it's really cool. You fly to Moscow. They take you out to Kazakhstan.
02:13And then you get into a Russian Soyuz rocket, which shoots you into a low Earth orbit.
02:17Or it just sits there on the launch pad because the Kazakh mafia sold the rocket fuel on the black market.
02:24This isn't the reaction I expected when I told you I was going to be an astronaut.
02:28What did you think was going to happen?
02:31Honestly, sex.
02:35Howard.
02:36Do you realize what a big deal this is?
02:38What an honor it is to be chosen to go into space.
02:42Yeah, I get it. I just wish you included me in the decision.
02:46We're supposed to be partners. We're supposed to be a team.
02:51I'm sorry. You're right.
02:54Let's try this again.
02:57Bernadette, an opportunity has come up that impacts both of us.
03:03And I'd like to discuss it.
03:07Okay.
03:09I've been offered a chance to go up to the International Space Station for three weeks.
03:15What are your thoughts on that?
03:18Well, first of all, thank you for including me in the decision-making process.
03:24Hey, we're a team. So what do you think?
03:28No.
03:31Hi, sweetie.
03:33I miss you.
03:34I miss you, too. So tell me all about your first day.
03:38Oh, wow. Where do I even start?
03:41I got to experience zero gravity.
03:44Cool. How do they do that?
03:46It's pretty neat.
03:47You get in this plane that goes almost straight up for like 20 seconds.
03:52And then straight back down like it's going to crash.
03:56And they do it over and over again.
04:00No matter how many times you throw up.
04:02You throw up?
04:03Yeah.
04:04And the craziest part is, because there's no gravity, the throw up kind of floats there.
04:12In a little ball.
04:14And if your mouth is open, it's because you're screaming.
04:20Sometimes it just floats right back in.
04:26Boy, does everyone laugh at you when that happens.
04:29That sounds mean.
04:30No. I would have laughed, too.
04:33But I didn't want the vomit to come back out.
04:38Anyway.
04:40Could you do me a favor and overnight me some more underwear?
04:45Sure. Why?
04:46I got to look at the centrifuge.
04:48They're going to spin me around in tomorrow.
04:50And I have a hunch I packed a little light.
04:52Howie, what happened to you?
04:54We did overnight survival training in the wilderness.
04:59Big fun. Big, big fun.
05:03I was going to freshen up for you, but I blacked out a little on the way to the bathroom.
05:11Survival training? Is that like camping?
05:13Uh-huh.
05:14Except you don't have food or water.
05:18And they don't have a sunset Sabbath service like they do at Camp Heskramer.
05:24Do you sleep in tents?
05:26No. I slept in a hole I dug in the ground with my bare hands.
05:35And at some point during the night, an armadillo crawled in and spooned me.
05:46Poor baby.
05:47But I did it. I survived.
05:49I wasn't sure I was going to when the sandstorm hit.
05:54Just pulled my turtleneck up over my head and waited for death.
06:02But somehow as I sat there, wrapped in a cocoon of my own neck sweat,
06:10I found that primal part of the human spirit that just wants to keep on living, no matter what the cost.
06:21You're so brave. I'm proud of you.
06:24I ate a butterfly.
06:32It was so small.
06:36Beautiful.
06:39But I was so hungry.
06:44Are you crying?
06:46No, I don't think it's possible. I'm severely dehydrated.
06:53My pee is like toothpaste.
06:57Maui, if you're not able to do this, come home. It won't change how I feel about you.
07:03Thanks, honey. But I can't quit.
07:07If I do, I'd just be a guy who had a chance to be an astronaut and gave it up.
07:13Is there anything I could do to help?
07:16No. Wait, send more underwear.
07:21I wonder what he's doing right this very second.
07:23Conducting experiments in zero gravity.
07:25Peering through his telescope at the birth of the cosmos.
07:28Whatever it is, we know his life will never be the same.
07:31Howard! Can you hear me?
07:35I can hear you without the phone!
07:39Don't be snippy. I'm just excited to talk to my baby.
07:43I'm excited to talk to you too.
07:45So, what's this mischievous about you moving out to go live with a little Polish girl?
07:51How about calling her my wife?
07:54Wives don't take boys from their mothers.
07:57They do. That's why we marry them.
08:01I just hope I'm not dead from a broken heart before you get back.
08:05Ma, please. Everyone from NASA is listening to this phone call.
08:10Good. They should know what a horrible son you are.
08:14Okay, Ma. Great talking to you. Gotta go!
08:19Well, space is ruined.
08:24Hey, I wasn't expecting to hear from you today. Everything okay?
08:28Uh, no. Not really.
08:32What's wrong?
08:33Well, remember the Soyuz capsule they were sending to bring us home?
08:37Uh-huh.
08:38It's delayed. We're gonna be here at least another week, maybe ten days.
08:42It's the Russians, so you don't know.
08:47They left dogs up here on the sixth day.
08:53Come on, Howard. No one's leaving you up there.
08:56I don't know how much longer I can take this.
08:58I can't sleep, and zero gravity is giving me crazy acid reflux.
09:03I'm down to my last three tums.
09:08You're gonna be fine. You survived that Weight Watchers cruise with your mom.
09:14And they ran out of low-fat ice cream on day two.
09:19Just calm down and take a few deep breaths.
09:22Okay, okay.
09:26What am I doing? I'm using up all the oxygen.
09:33If I die, promise you'll never have sex with another man.
09:38Hey, Howie. How you feeling?
09:40Better. Much better.
09:42The other astronauts held me down, gave me a shot.
09:56Attention, people of Earth.
09:59Tonight, there will be two moons in the sky.
10:06Howie, stop that.
10:08NASA's watching this.
10:10Put your pants back on.
10:14Whee!
10:16Stuart, I got you a little souvenir from my trip to space.
10:20Wow. Howard, that's very nice of you.
10:22Yeah, maybe. Open it first.
10:26It's my official NASA portrait.
10:31To Stuart, your comic book store is out of this world, just like the guy in this picture was.
10:37For the record, he also thinks the Walgreens and the dry cleaners are out of this world.
10:43That's not true. At the Walgreens, I was over the moon for their store brand antacids.
10:51Boy, it's nice to sleep in a bed with gravity again.
10:56Did I tell you about the night my retainer floated out of my mouth and into the airlock?
11:00Yeah, you mentioned it once or twice.
11:03So, here we are, just a couple of young newlyweds.
11:09What to do? What to do to you?
11:17Astronaut Wolowitz reporting for booty.
11:23Preparing thrusters.
11:26We have liftoff.
11:33Are we clear to jettison that nightgown?
11:35Okay, we need to talk.
11:38What?
11:39Howie, I know you went to space and I'm incredibly proud of you, but you might want to try and not bring it up every minute.
11:46I don't talk about it every minute.
11:48Tonight at dinner, you went on about it for an hour straight.
11:52What was I supposed to talk about? We were eating at Johnny Rockets.
11:58I'm just saying people are getting a little tired of it.
12:01So, I did this amazing thing and I'm never allowed to mention it?
12:07Of course you can, but maybe a good rule would be to wait for people to bring it up.
12:14Okay, no problem. It won't happen again.
12:18I love you.
12:19I love you too.
12:22Bernadette said you guys are all sick of me talking about my trip to space. Is that true?
12:29Yes.
12:31We seem to have different approaches here. I was going for helpful honesty. I have no idea what you're doing.
12:41It's called being nice.
12:43Okay, if you think being nice will get him to shut up, I'll try it.
12:49You know what, guys? Never mind. I just won't talk about the greatest achievement of my life ever again.
12:55Look at that. The problem solved itself.
13:01Oh my god, you guys look adorable.
13:04Thanks, so do you. Slutty Cop?
13:07No, Sexy Cop. Slutty Cop only came with a skirt and two badges.
13:13Sheldon, get in here.
13:25Can you believe Stuart's walking around taking credit for this party?
13:28Who cares?
13:29What do you mean, who cares? Look what I pulled off here. The DJ's on fire, there's a TARDIS photo booth in the back room,
13:35and oh my god, the food. Stuart wanted Kraft, Draculoni and cheese.
13:41You're right, the party's fantastic. Please, tell me more. I haven't heard enough about it all week because hearing about that never gets old.
13:47Is this about the space thing again?
13:49Well, I'm not allowed to talk about it, but since you brought it up, I went to space. Space, space, space!
13:56Oh, drinky smurf.
14:00Can I talk to you for a second?
14:02Right now I'm in trouble.
14:03You are being very rude.
14:05No, I'm not. They're all being rude, and you're being rude.
14:08Me? What did I do?
14:10Oh, Howard.
14:13Stop talking about space so much. Nobody likes it.
14:20I don't sound like that.
14:26You're my wife. You're supposed to be on my side.
14:29I'm always on your side.
14:31Then why are you trying to take this away from me?
14:34Being an astronaut is the coolest thing I'm ever going to do.
14:39If I stop talking about it, then I'm just...
14:44Just what?
14:47Just plain old Howard Wolowitz again.
14:51Plain old Howard Wolowitz is the best guy I know.
14:55You're just saying that.
14:57No, I'm not. I married him. On purpose.
15:03Come here.
15:05I love you.
15:06I love you, too.
15:08In honor of Space Day at Angel Stadium, the first pitch will be thrown out by NASA astronaut Howard Wolowitz.
15:17Thank you. Thank you.
15:20Can he really throw a ball?
15:22On our Quidditch team, he does.
15:23Yeah, that's a no.
15:25I have a message for the young people here today.
15:30When I was asked to throw the first pitch, a little voice in my head said I couldn't do it.
15:39And I couldn't do it.
15:41So I practiced and practiced, and you know what?
15:46That little voice was right.
15:50But then I remembered that I'm not an athlete.
15:57I'm a scientist.
15:59So today's first pitch will be delivered to home plate by science.
16:05Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, I present to you a working prototype of the Mars rover!
16:19And here's the wind-up.
16:22And the pitch!
16:36Why is it going so slow?
16:38Because I'm an idiot who didn't think this through!
16:42Okay, new plan.
16:44We go to Disneyland, play hide-and-seek on Tom Sawyer's Island, and then come back and see the end of the pitch.
17:01Okay, moving isn't going to make it go any faster!
17:04L minus 10. 9.
17:06Wait, what are you doing?
17:08It's T minus.
17:09I was an astronaut. We used L minus.
17:12Yeah, but this is a Saturn V, and when they launched those, they said T minus.
17:15It's my rocket. We're doing it my way.
17:19Fine.
17:22I'm not saying I know why your dad left, but I think I'm getting an idea.
17:28L minus 10. 9. 8. 7. 6.
17:33Those are kind of bossy.
17:365. 4. 3. 2. 1.
17:46I remember them going up higher.
17:48Astronaut Howard Joel Wolowitz.
17:55Kakarosh.
17:58Don't ask.
18:01Thank you, Raj. That was a really nice introduction.
18:04Well, it's from my heart.
18:06So, Howard, you are in an elite group.
18:09Only 232 people have ever been on the International Space Station.
18:14How does that make you feel?
18:17Honestly, lucky. Most astronauts have to train their whole lives.
18:21I was just in the right place at the right time.
18:24Oh, please. Luck had nothing to do with it.
18:27You people need to know how impressive this man is.
18:31He was up there because he's the only one qualified
18:34to install a piece of equipment that he designed.
18:37Thanks, but if you want to talk impressive,
18:39this guy right here discovered a planetary object outside the Kuiper belt.
18:42He worked on the Mars rover.
18:44He helped launch the New Horizons space probe.
18:46He went to space in a Russian rocket.
18:50And I was scared the whole time.
18:52And I was scared for you, but also proud.
18:57Wow. I don't think you've ever said that to me before.
19:02I should have. And I'm going to say it again.
19:06I'm proud of you. You're my best friend, and I love you.
19:11Oh, Raj, I love you, too.
19:14What is happening?
19:18Bring it in, spaceman. You've been cleared for landing.
19:25Can you believe he's here?
19:27Are you crying?
19:31Hi. I got you a surprise.
19:33Oh. What's the occasion?
19:36I heard you tell Hallie that story the other night,
19:38and I thought it was so sweet that Stuart and I turned it into a book.
19:44The Frightened Little Astronaut?
19:48That looks just like you.
19:52Look how tiny and scared you look.
19:56And the best part is, Stuart showed it to a publisher friend of his,
19:59and they're interested in it.
20:01That is so cool.
20:02Absolutely not.
20:05Why?
20:06Because I don't want the whole world to know I was the Frightened Little Astronaut.
20:14Maybe you should have called it the Bitchy Little Astronaut.
20:21Once upon a time, there was a little astronaut
20:23who was sitting in a rocket waiting to go to space.
20:28And while all the other astronauts laughed and joked,
20:31he stayed quiet because he had a secret.
20:34He was scared.
20:36He had another secret, too.
20:38He was only pretending to be scared to trick the alien king.
20:44Owie.
20:47Fine.
20:48There was no alien.
20:53There was a bossy wife, though.
20:54We'll get to her later.