• 3 weeks ago
At Boar's Head, we hear you. And we're sorry for causing a listeria outbreak. That's our bad.

CEO: Michael Strauss
Written by: Michael Strauss
Producers: Britt Migs and Michael Strauss
Edited by: Gabrielle Williott
Executive Producer: Gabrielle Williott

00:00 Jon Ham, CEO
00:12 Liverwurst with Listeria
00:30 69 Infractions
01:09 Listeria Hysteria
01:35 Liverbest
02:10 Boar's Head

#foodrecall #lawsuit #boarshead

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Fun
Transcript
00:00Here at Boar's Head, the only thing more important to us than making high-quality,
00:03sodium-laden meat with little to absolutely no nutritional value is you. And that's why we'd
00:08like to apologize for selling thousands of units of liverwurst that were contaminated with Listeria.
00:13Especially if you're one of those nine people who lost their lives eating our delicious yet
00:17strangely wet meat products. We're sorry you died. We have launched a full investigation into how
00:21this could possibly happen. And guess what? Listeria does not come from feces. We know
00:26we washed our hands after this one. After 69 nice instances of non-compliance at the facility over
00:38the last year, I gotta say we made a whoopsie. And that's not a cool sandwich item at Jersey
00:42Mike's. I'm talking about mold, insects, and a liquid dripping from the ceilings right onto
00:45the meat. Turns out the mystery liquid wasn't flavor blasting the meat after all. So we've
00:50decided to close our factory in Virginia to assure our customers that we care. Sure, we have to close
00:54the plant indefinitely, literally cutting hundreds of workers like we're slicing up some Italian cold
00:58cuts. But that's because we want you to keep buying. And we need that in order to support
01:02the severance we'll be forced to pay by government decree. To get you back buying our meat products,
01:06we're proud to introduce Forest Head's newest promotion, Listeria Hysteria. Get half off all
01:11your meats at your local deli counter. You might die, but with the price of groceries being so high,
01:15we figured the least we could do is give you a discount. Who doesn't like a little risk while
01:18eating your processed foods anyway? Isn't that the American dream? Look, if the Listeria hasn't
01:22killed you by now, the sodium probably will anyway. Those assholes of the American Heart
01:25Association have been coming after me for years. Speaking of which, you'll probably be happy to
01:29know we are discontinuing the sale of Liverwurst. Instead, we'll be processing a new meat product,
01:34Liverbetter. It has no organic material and it's mostly just MSG, but it tastes great.
01:38And it's 99% sawdust, which means the chances of you getting Listeria will be slim to none.
01:43We had no idea the last administration's lack of inspection standards and ignoring years of
01:47health code violations would result in us discontinuing Liverwurst and creating an
01:51entirely new meat product altogether, but mark my words, sandwich eaters of the world,
01:56I assure you, the meat at your local deli counter is ready to eat. And again, for a limited time,
02:01it's half off. Don't let Listeria Hysteria tear you down. Instead, let it help you build a giant
02:064,000 calorie sandwich that you can barely fit in your mouth, just like in Scooby-Doo.

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