Whether you’re an important Tesla shareholder or just an American citizen, I want to apologize for my recent involvement in f*ing up the country, and for tanking your retirement savings. HAHA, just kidding. You’re an idiot.
Cast:
Michael Strauss as Elon Musk
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#elonmusk #doge #tesla #parody #honestads
Cast:
Michael Strauss as Elon Musk
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#elonmusk #doge #tesla #parody #honestads
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FunTranscript
00:00Okay, hey there everyone. Whether you're important Tesla shareholders or just an
00:05American citizen, I want to apologize for my recent involvement in f***ing up the
00:09country and for taking your time in savings. Haha, just kidding. I would
00:13never apologize. You're an idiot. I'm mostly sorry that you're all catching on.
00:17Probably shouldn't have bribed people to vote in Wisconsin, okay? I mean I was
00:22simply exploiting a loophole that actually qualifies as a legal way to
00:25endorse people voting. What, are you one of my ex-wives? Like, sue me, okay? Look, I'm
00:31trying to bring innovation back to America by trimming spending and useless
00:35government programs. No more free handouts. Unless it's to me in government
00:39kickbacks that'll rectify Tesla's slew of problems, okay? We have isolated market
00:43trends and determined that our nearly 50% loss in the stock market value is not
00:48because of me, but rather because of very very bad people who keep ruining my
00:53trucks. I mean my trucks. I'm launching a new pseudo-governmental task force that'll
00:58restore glory. To Tesla, I'm taking a tiny step back from doge and one big step
01:03forward as the head of the sad AF task force. The stop automotive delinquents
01:08and felons task force will stop vandalism against my cars. These terrorists
01:13really think they can get away with spray painting Elon is a Nazi on a car? Where
01:17would somebody get that idea? And lighting a car on fire, I mean guys, I worked
01:22really, really hard on these cars and that is just incredibly disrespectful, okay?
01:27This sad AF task force will basically deploy a small force of young college
01:31educated men who love my cars and will literally give their lives to protect my
01:36vehicles. Fascism is kind of cool now, okay? I mean it's fun, right? We have GPS
01:42coordinates of every vehicle we've ever made. It'll be fairly easy to track you all
01:46down. In order to fund my sad AF task force, we needed another 6.5 billion from USAID
01:52USAID because children do not need AIDS.
01:56That's not what it's for Elon, come on.
02:00Look, sad AF is important because the government and all Americans should fix my
02:05problems. Sales are down 31% in California, 43% in Europe and 29% in China. So our slim
02:14profit margins are actually shrinking as quickly as my relationship with my teenage
02:19children. It's okay because I'm back as a full-time part-time CEO. China's
02:27companies like BYD are already messing up my entire plan. So we better get on this. I can
02:34assure you, we are changing the world. Perhaps at first destroying ecosystems and
02:38economies with egregious lithium mining practices. What can go wrong, really? Remember
02:42all my other good ideas? The boring company rebranding Twitter, hair plugs, okay? Sad AF will
02:52reinstate decency in our culture. We need to come together as a country and our first
02:58step is to stop ruining my cars. If you have a funny sounding last name, that will be
03:03grounds for deportation. I'm now a US citizen, but as an immigrant born in South Africa,
03:08I know a thing or two about treating people who don't look like you like shit. My real
03:13hope is that I can continue to instill fear into the hearts of hard-working Americans and
03:17win over Silicon Valley, which enabled my insane ideas for years. I even seduced
03:21people's wives and got them to give me money. So if we could make things bad enough here,
03:27then we will have to colonize space. Flush with cash, I can finally build my castle
03:32on Mars. I know what you're thinking. Yes, it is a bouncy castle made out of unique chromium
03:36alloy. And over time, okay, we will be the only car on Earth. And my company, SpaceX,
03:42will control the airspace around Earth. And I will effectively own the Earth. And I'm literally
03:46richest man on Earth and the universe. Actually, being pragmatic, someday we might discover
03:53a cavalcade of alien human-like creatures who are made of platinum. And we'll be forced
03:57to harvest their bones, of course. But that's a risk you take when you colonize Mars. I mean,
04:02until then, keep buying Tesla's. And guys, please stop defacing my cars. Or I will have
04:10to get sad AF to come get you. Should I give my heart to you all?
04:18No. Do not do that. No? No. I'm glad I have someone to tell me not to do that.
04:24Well, you're welcome. Okay. We'll see you later. Oh my god.
04:28I have to go get a penile injection.