Category
🎮️
GamingTranscript
00:00I still have things I am not putting my
00:28feet on.
00:43Sorry Miss Mayor, I've got no time to talk.
00:45I must stay alert.
00:47You did not guard the bank adequately before.
00:49Now that it is empty, security suddenly matters.
00:53Yes ma'am.
00:56Good work Deputy McCord.
00:58Is that it?
01:20For a limited time only, you can buy one taco for the price of two, and receive a second
01:25taco.
01:27No extra charge.
01:36What kind of dumbass doesn't check to see if they have a chain before agreeing to tow
01:40something?
01:41Oh man, I should wrench myself for being a fool.
01:44What am I going to do now?
01:48That's it!
01:53Hey, Mayor Barrett, over here!
02:01I gotta talk to you.
02:06Miss Valentine, are you asking to speak with me?
02:09Are you feeling alright?
02:11Look, you gotta do me a favor.
02:15I do not.
02:16Okay, fine, but it's also a favor for the government, so you'll want to hear it.
02:21Some FBI guy wants me to tow this car to the junkyard so they can search the trunk or something.
02:26Anyway, I can't tow this back because that numbskull of a gas jokey swiped my chain.
02:31Can you go look for it?
02:33Why can you not go and look yourself?
02:35Because that FBI agent said if I didn't stay with the car at all times, he'd start looking
02:39into where my scrap comes from.
02:41Come on, you gotta do this for me or I'm totally screwed.
02:46The day I start running errands for a grimy little ragamuffin is-
02:49I'll vote for you.
02:51Please?
02:52Miss Valentine, for reasons completely unrelated to what you just said, I shall comply with
02:58your request.
02:59Thought you might.
03:01Don't take too long, okay?
03:07Ah, the young mailman who has taken up the good fight to re-elect Barrett.
03:16Yeah, I've been busier than a B-52 dropping those leaflets of yours all around town.
03:22How odd, because I have not seen many around.
03:25Well, uh, maybe you just weren't looking hard enough?
03:29I despise time wasters even more than I hate liars.
03:33Would you care to try again?
03:35Okay, look.
03:37I was taking a break at the park earlier when I heard this weird noise coming from the bushes
03:42behind me.
03:43I turned around to look for just a few seconds, and when I turned back, someone had swapped
03:48your leaflets for Mayor Hart's!
03:51Ah!
03:52Well, why are you standing around in the heat like a dim-witted cactus?
03:56Go and find my leaflets!
03:58Max has to sign for this delivery, and I can't leave until he does.
04:05So you are just waiting for Max?
04:08He told me yesterday to wait for him if he wasn't here when I arrived.
04:12Hmm, I don't understand why getting some ice is taking him so long.
04:16Max wants only the freshest, purest ice in his drinks.
04:20When he needs some, he swims up to Alaska to hunt wild icebergs.
04:25If he left early this morning, he might be at least halfway there by now.
04:29Oh man, that's really gonna mess up my delivery schedule.
04:33Well, knowing Max will not be back for several hours at least, you should probably leave
04:37this here and go finish your rounds.
04:40No way!
04:41That would be a huge violation of the Mail Carrier's Code!
04:47It is that magical time when people take leadership into their own hands and vote!
04:52I trust I can count on you voting for Barrett, yes?
04:55No, I'm voting for your opponent.
04:58Now, that is just unsound thinking.
05:01His heart does not have the necessary experience, gravitas, or wardrobe for the glamorous role
05:07of small-town mayor.
05:09Yeah, but she's also NOT annoying me with campaign crap while I wait in the hot sun.
05:15Well, it saddens me to see that she is not making time to get to know people.
05:19I, however, care deeply about my community.
05:23Well, since you put it that way, I'll vote for you.
05:27Wise choice.
05:28If you get my name right.
05:31That shouldn't be hard for you since you care so much about the community, right?
05:37Child's play.
05:39Could you not have given me more of a challenge?
05:41I'm waiting!
06:28You favor your right foot when walking, which you do often.
06:32So your shoe sole is slightly thinner on that side.
06:35You are slightly older than Miss Valentine.
06:38However, you have been less successful.
06:40The slump of your shoulders indicates dissatisfaction with your life.
06:45It also indicates a lonely bachelor lifestyle, as does the careworn look of your uniform.
06:50Who are you, my mom?
06:52I just haven't found the right person yet.
06:55Your pockets are filled with dog treats.
06:57Despite no one ever seeing you give one to an actual dog.
07:01This suggests you are the one who is eating them.
07:04Which is probably due to your low salary.
07:07No, that's just because I've never met a dog I liked enough to give them a treat.
07:12I can still see a bit stuck in your teeth.
07:15Based on the above information, plus countless other factors,
07:19I deduce that your name is George.
07:21George Ramirez Valentine.
07:23That's incredible!
07:25No one ever knows my name, not even my own family.
07:28Of course I'll vote for you now, Miss Mare, but you have to tell me how you knew all that.
07:33Elementary, my dear Mr. Ramirez.
07:36I already told you, I have marvelous powers of observation.
07:40And I sign all payroll checks for government employees, you absolute dunce.
07:49You cannot hold up the mail for the sake of one signature.
07:52I already told you, I'm not moving until Max gets back.
07:56Besides, it would be a huge breach of the mail carrier's code.
08:00And no one breaks the mail carrier's code.
08:06What do you think would happen if you left?
08:08Do you think someone would steal from Max?
08:11Who would be that brave, besides me?
08:13And do you honestly think the mayor runs around stealing in broad daylight?
08:18Yes, everyone knows you steal office supplies.
08:21And that's not the weirdest thing I've heard about you.
08:25Oh, please elaborate. This should be good.
08:28Well, I've heard that you embezzle from every business in town through your crazy tax schemes.
08:33But the most common rumor is that you kidnap virgins and eat their blood to stay young.
08:38Nonsense. You do not eat blood, you drink it.
08:42Who would be capable of spewing such...
08:45Oh, of course.
08:47Ms. Hart.
08:49You should not let yourself be so easily convinced by a corrupt politician like Ms. Hart.
08:54It can be difficult for a layman to discern between right and wrong candidates, I know.
08:59But you were foolish to believe such falsehoods.
09:02Ms. Hart is thoroughly dishonest and only out for her own gain.
09:06I, Eliza Barrett, am the only true option.
09:10Yeah, she told me you'd say that too.
09:13I'm gonna take Barry Hart's advice and just ignore you.
09:16I'm not going anywhere.
09:20What if I offered you a new bicycle?
09:22It has 30 speeds, streamers, an aerodynamic basket,
09:27and a device that temporarily blinds passing stray dogs.
09:31The most effective and attractive vehicle in the history of the U.S. mail.
09:35A Rossinante Express 4000 for me?
09:39I can't believe it!
09:41Just imagine how it would feel.
09:44The wind in your hair, the smooth ride,
09:47the jealous looks from people as you pass by.
09:50Ring, ring. Ring, ring.
09:53No! No way!
09:55Your evil tricks won't change my mind!
09:57Unlike you, I actually have integrity.
10:02Well, your loss, I suppose.
10:04Ring, ring. Ring, ring. Ring, ring.
10:11Ring, ring.
10:13Okay, Ms. Mayor, I think I see what you're trying to do here.
10:17If you keep trying to get into those packages,
10:20I might just have some spicy letters between you and your snuggle bunny in my possession.
10:26And I might just share them with everyone in earshot.
10:30Wait, you opened my mail?
10:33That is illegal. I will have you fired for this.
10:36And suddenly, it was as if all my electoral speeches were about you.
10:42Uh, I mean, that was a lucky guess.
10:45Put your official stamp upon my heart so that everyone knows I am yours.
10:50Shut up! Shut up, you piece of...
10:54My love for you burns brighter than any explosion my offspring can cause.
11:00Fine, enough. You have made your point. Now stop it.
11:07I don't want to talk to you anymore.
11:12I cannot wait until my face is added to Mount Rushmore,
11:16so you can gaze into my eyes as you fly past.
11:20Hey, Mayor Barret, I never knew you had a soft side.
11:24You look pretty stone-faced right now, though.
11:29There must be a less embarrassing way to do this.
11:33Hey, Mayor Barret, you got my tow train yet?
11:36Not yet. Could you remind me where I might find it?
11:39Yeah, go to the place in town with the highest elevation and the lowest IQ.
11:44Oh, right, Benjamin.
11:47Could I borrow one of your wrenches?
11:50Forget it. You don't have the proper training to handle one of these.
11:54I will get it for you.
11:58Oh, come on, not now.
12:01Morning, Mayor Barret.
12:03Morning, Benjamin.
12:05I'm sorry, I am just a little tired.
12:08Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
12:12I just want to do some homework.
12:15I already have.
12:17I don't think you should, Benjamin.
12:20I know, I know.
12:22Oh
12:24Come on, not now
12:27Morning, Miss Mare. Glad to see you up so early now. I can tell you the good news
12:33You have been transferred to Antarctica
12:36No, a little birdie is telling everyone about how the mayor was the one who robbed the bank
12:42Who would ever say such a ludicrous thing?
12:45Me I can already see mayor steals from her own voters disgraced forever dies in infamy
12:52It's like a movie and I'm getting a craving for popcorn
12:57Laugh all you want. I still have everything under control and you will behave yourself or else
13:05Or else what?
13:07No, no, no, never give her that opening. She'll lock you up in the deepest darkest hole she can find
13:14Mm-hmm. Sorry
13:17Kids these days what were we talking about?
13:22This
13:25Seems to be more like a personal grudge than a political one
13:29Personal, why would you say that? I'm here on behalf of everyone. You've trampled and I'll see you punished for your actions
13:38Yeah, you tell her lady do kindly. Shut up offspring
13:43Ha you can't even get your own daughter to take your side. How pathetic?
13:49Hey, how dare you talk to my mother like that?
13:52Mom, I'm ground me. I'm gonna prank her so hard her grandmother's gonna feel it
14:00Or maybe I would be if your mother ever ungrounded you oh
14:06I would be happy to make an exception for such a special occasion. Oh god, please. No, how did this turn against me?
14:18Are you from Corona originally miss heart, how old are you?
14:22Enough with the personal questions. No, I just find this situation. So damnably frustrating
14:29Normally, I never forget a face
14:31Ha you wouldn't even recognize your own daughter if she were standing right in front of you
14:37Of course, I would what kind of monster do you take me for the kind that's standing right in front of me?
14:45Let me know if you ever remember who I am Eliza Barrett. She even changed her name back
14:51It's like all of it never happened
14:56Let us discuss the bank robbery shall we I'd love to
15:10Those thieves will be apprehended long before the election happens
15:14Actually, I wouldn't be surprised if you were right. That was one sloppy heist
15:19Why do you say that miss heart?
15:22Well for starters, they got caught by the security guard twice and they left him alive, too
15:28He survived being crushed by a boulder
15:33He did but wait, how did you know that? Oh, please I know full well what security measures they had in that bank
15:41Yeah, the cheapest least effective ones available
15:45I can't believe you would buy such lousy stuff to do such an important job
15:50It is called being budget-friendly miss heart a real politician would know all about it
15:58How did you find out about the robbery so quickly anyway
16:01I always keep my ear to the ground for anything that could embarrass you
16:06I admit that the incident was unfortunate, but I failed to see how it is embarrassing
16:12Maybe not the robbery itself, but the owner suing you for negligence has to be humiliating. Oh
16:18And the tiny little fact that he's moving the bank to Corona where things are more profitable
16:24Which I am sure was not due to your influence
16:28Whether it was my idea or not. You can't stop it now
16:32Well, thank you that big building takes up so much prime real estate
16:36I cannot wait to knock it down and build something better the statue of myself, perhaps
16:44Or better yet you could let Mike's diner move into the building miss heart, please
16:51We may be at odds here, but something should never be uttered even in anger
16:56I do not have any more time to waste on you miss heart
17:00Excuse me, but I have business to take care of
17:03Yes, why don't you go write your concession speech that will save you time on election night
17:15There is no rest for the wicked
17:33I have no time to waste on idle chatter
17:52Well, at least I have a firefighter costume in case I have to go back doing bachelorette party
17:59Why did I leave that job
18:03Oh
18:08Right
18:33The only reason Michael ever closes up is if he is getting a haircut or butchering some oh, yes
18:41He was at the barbershop. Was he not silly me? I must have omitted his existence from my memories
19:02Let's try that again
19:19All right now 40 degrees 15 minutes north
19:33Ouch god damn it Ben. That'll teach you pig
19:44Hello there, miss mayor
19:48Someone just hucked a bunch of bottles at a missus house and ran away
19:53They look Russian. You better go after him
19:56That should do it. Good job brain
20:03I said good job brain
20:08You're welcome, I do not have time for this nitwittery. What did you forget to turn up your volume miss mayor? Oh
20:19Darn excuse me. I forgot I was wearing these
20:25You can't be too careful with these little bastards, you know, sometimes they really pack a punch
20:33A
20:36Nice chain you have there keep your eyes off my property. Miss mayor. Come on, Benjamin
20:43We both know that chain is not yours
20:46And how the hell do you know that?
20:48What are you some kind of wizard?
20:51Not
20:58Only that but a mighty arch wizard there is nothing you can obscure from my all-seeing eyes. Oh
21:06Yeah, tell me one thing only a wizard could know
21:11You do not wash your hands after using the restroom
21:15Anyone with a sense of smell could have told you that
21:18Spirits of the long-gone wizards tell me Benjamin's deepest darkest secrets
21:29Ain't gonna work
21:34No, no, it cannot be true Benjamin would never
21:41You shut the hell out spirits
21:44Whether they're sticky ass ghost tell you when you were young you were a registered member of the
21:51American Communist Party
21:56No, how could you there's no way there's just no way you could ever known that unless
22:04You are a wizard
22:06Glad we got that sorted out. Now. I will be taking that tow chain if you do not mind
22:12Wait taking with your hands. I
22:18Knew you were fooling me a wizard would hocus-pocus the chain to her hands from here. No magic. No chain
22:26Curses, we will not acquire the chain by talking to him. I'm afraid
22:33Benjamin have you heard about the robbery? I don't know nothing. I ain't never seen a garden gnome in my life
22:40What garden gnome
22:47Do you know why ms. Peterson is up here he wanted to look at some birds and I wanted to look at her
22:54What birds the only birds I ever see these days are pigeons and that is because it is the only kind of bird
23:02Michael for some unfathomable reason refuses to cook
23:06There's nothing wrong in watching some birds and what kind of birds do you think she is looking for?
23:12Gee, I don't know
23:15ostriches
23:21Did you also make her swear your silly oath or do you reserve that particular idiocy especially for me
23:28Which reminds me?
23:30With
23:33God and ducky as my witnesses
23:35I Eliza Barrett solemnly swear that I am NOT a dirty commie if I am ever caught in the act of spreading communism
23:43I agree to submit myself to a fair trial headed by the Honorable Benjamin Tecumseh Zinn and
23:50Accept the inevitable death sentence carried out by mr. Shotgun without complaint. God bless America
23:57This
23:59Is not a golf course Benjamin, yeah, I am well aware
24:04Ever since you impose that huge membership be at the club
24:07I've had to improvise for the last time that was my yard and that was not a membership fee
24:15You were being sued for destruction of property
24:17Well, whatever you call it. I ain't paying that much just so that can go
24:27I shall make you an offer Benjamin if you prove that you can control where the bottles go. I will leave you alone
24:38What's your target mayor I
24:44Think my offspring would benefit from a good hard thump to the noggin. What another one? What do you mean another one?
24:52Uh, excuse the familiarity ma'am, but your kid hits her head all the time
24:58Dripping over the same rock every day a reverse slingshot incident that failure with the pig catapult
25:04Stazing way through our face in the wall playing rock-paper-head, but trying to read a dictionary
25:09All right, stop. I get the idea
25:12How do you even know about all that?
25:14Cuz she's trying to take my place in history
25:17I currently hold the record for the most confessions in a single year in all of New Mexico
25:23And I plan to keep it that way even if I gotta aim at my own head
25:27I have to be elsewhere Benjamin sounds good. Where's that?
25:36Hey Nancy, guess what I
25:39Can hit a mosquito right in the eye of 1,000 yards wanna see I
25:44Believe we have run out of interesting topics. Perhaps I could think of something later
25:56If your progress in the game depends on me interacting with this game over
26:03If I am NOT broadcasting one of my speeches there is nothing worth listening to
26:13Oh
26:21Shut up you stupid bird
26:29What's wrong boy
26:34See
26:36You ain't touching my things. Are you I would rather French kiss the bottom of Michaels deep fryer than touch anything of yours
26:44All right
26:45Keep it out
27:05Shut up you
27:07Quack-quack
27:11Miss mayor if you keep touching my stuff out you will what vote for miss heart. Nope. I won't vote at all
27:19Oh
27:35Shut up you stupid bird
27:42What's up boy
27:45Miss mayor, you know, I'm a trigger-happy guy, right?
28:05Shut up you stupid bird
28:07Quack-quack-quack
28:12Something to report ducky
28:15It's me you got a head for law, you know, I can shoot anyone who trespasses on my property wreck
28:25As tempting as relocating Benjamin's trailer would be I must refuse the paperwork would be unbearable
28:33Oh
28:35What exactly are you hiding behind those gates
28:40Oh
28:43Hello mayor Barrett
28:45Miss Peterson. What are you doing? Have you finished your article?
28:50article, oh
28:52Yes. Now. I'm just relaxing with my favorite hobby bird watching. Are you now?
28:59Which ones are you watching?
29:02The purple sandpiper over there
29:05Do you mean the yellow rumped warbler? Yes, exactly. We call it differently in Maine
29:12Well, the yellow rumped warbler tends to nest near water. You will not see many more by the airfield
29:18Why not go down to crystalline Lake?
29:21Thank you for the advice. Miss mayor
29:24Please excuse me. Talking could scare the birds away
29:29If there actually were any birds around here it certainly could
29:45Shut up you stupid bird
29:53What's that you said boy
29:55Quack-quack-quack, but don't be ridiculous. Why would the mayor try to steal my toe chain snitch?
30:17Shut up you stupid bird
30:19Quack-quack-quack
30:24You want me to shoot who I'm afraid ducky don't like you very much miss mayor
30:45Shut up you stupid bird
30:49Quack-quack
30:53What's up boy
30:56Miss mayor, you know, I'm a trigger happy guy, right?
31:08Sounds like we have a bit
31:13No, thanks, I like my backside as it is bullet-free
31:19You
31:29It is quite
31:36Hmm a corley I think if mr. Harrelson does not move it within a week. I shall have to