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GamingTranscript
00:00This couch will be the death of me.
00:29What has my offspring done now?
00:38It's not about Betty this time, Eliza.
00:41It's Lincoln.
00:42There was a plane crash last night.
00:47That is fine.
00:48He is fine.
00:49Nod your head, Amos.
00:50Agree with me.
00:51Eliza.
00:52I must go to him.
00:53Is he in the hospital?
00:54Is he conscious?
00:57He's at the airfield, but we can't get in there right now.
01:01They're on lockdown until they figure out what the hell happened last night.
01:05We need to start making calls immediately.
01:07Get the sheriff on the phone.
01:09I'm the sheriff.
01:11The marshal then, or the marines.
01:13No, no, call the Coast Guard.
01:15They always know what to do in these situations.
01:17Okay, listen to me for just a second, Eliza.
01:21Come with me now, and I'll drive you to Lincoln when we're done.
01:24Maybe the lockdown will be over by then.
01:27Fine, dammit.
01:28I will come with you.
01:43They arrived yesterday, right after the accident, and they built this whole base in less than
01:48twelve hours.
01:50Eliza, something seriously strange is going on.
01:54You bet there is something strange going on.
01:56I do not remember approving that building permit.
01:59And more importantly, I do not recall receiving any payment for that building permit.
02:04Who else knows about this?
02:06No one in town knows anything, and the governor won't take my calls.
02:10Can you blame him?
02:12The last few times you called him, you babbled about chipmunk gangs like a lunatic.
02:17Can we focus on the important thing here?
02:20What the hell should we do about this?
02:23Have you tried talking with the people here?
02:25Of course I did.
02:27But they always give me the same answer.
02:29Look.
02:30Stop right there.
02:33See?
02:34Well, we did everything we could.
02:37Now I suggest we-
02:38Eliza!
02:39Ugh.
02:40Fine, but let me handle this, okay?
02:43God, this is the highlight of my day.
02:54Do not touch that, ma'am.
02:57Since you seem to lack common sense, I will be nice and explain it to you.
03:02Soldiers have guns.
03:08Amos, this is stupid.
03:09Let us just leave already.
03:11Leave?
03:12I can't believe what I'm hearing.
03:14The Eliza I know would never give up so easily.
03:17Maybe I should reconsider my options for the next election.
03:22Fine.
03:23I will speak with the soldier.
03:26What the hell is your problem?
03:29Can't you see I'm on break?
03:31Stop doing that!
03:33I'm warning you!
03:36I hate killing before breakfast, but I'll do what I have to do.
03:42Okay, that does it.
03:44Who do I have to kill to finish my meatballs in peace?
03:51You had better watch your tone, Private.
03:54I am Mayor Eliza Barrett.
03:57Congratulations on your success, ma'am.
03:59But you could be the Queen of England for all I care.
04:02I can make your life a living hell much more easily than the Queen of England can.
04:08Now, I suggest you let me speak to whoever is in charge of this operation.
04:13That's not going to happen.
04:15The General-
04:16Are you aware of my 85-point plan for community-based economic restructuring?
04:21What?
04:22Oh, you're not?
04:24Allow me to elaborate, then.
04:26I intend to amend the zoning regulations by Resolution 11-04-1943-RT,
04:33as related to approved uses in Commercial Zone C-4 to C-252.5.
04:39This means we need to cross-reference Statute A-11B.5,
04:43which governs the use of non-indigenous building materials.
04:53And if you like Number 34, just wait until you hear about Number 35.
04:58It is very complicated, but-
05:00Just stop, please!
05:04You're going to drive me insane!
05:06Are you sure?
05:0735 is quite interesting.
05:09It details financial legislation affecting rodents, raccoons, and other-
05:13Ma'am, the General is not here, and I don't know when he'll be back.
05:18Why did you not tell me that six hours ago?
05:22Believe me, I tried.
05:24You wouldn't shut-
05:26Stop talking.
05:28You have made a powerful enemy today, Private.
05:31I will go back to my office, grab my book,
05:35and by the time I am done, not even your grandmother will-
05:39Eliza!
05:43Please excuse her. It's a very stressful time.
05:46She's concerned about losing a voter this close to the election.
05:50Come on, let's go. There's nothing more we can do here.
05:54Look, I hate to suggest this, but remember my brother-in-law, the one in the FBI?
06:09He's a pain in the neck, but maybe he can dig around and find some info for us.
06:15I'll call him when I get back to the station.
06:25Look, I know it's scary, but there's not much you can do for Lincoln until he comes out of the coma.
06:31Why don't you go back to work? I'm sure the campaign needs your attention.
06:35You know, Amos, you might be right.
06:37Work is just what I need to keep my mind off this predicament.
06:40Great, but please don't go just yet.
06:43I need moral support for this phone call.
06:55You've reached the best agent the FBI has to offer. What can I do for you tonight?
07:00Hey, Jack, it's Amos.
07:02Sorry, doesn't ring a bell.
07:04Come on, Jack, you know I wouldn't call if it wasn't important.
07:08Listen, Amos, it's late, and I don't want you to think I don't care about you or your problems, but I don't.
07:15So if you don't mind, I'm gonna-
07:17Will you listen to me for once in your life, goddammit?
07:20Goddammit! Something really serious is going down here. You have to help us!
07:25Get it through your thick skull. Unless it's for a federal crime, it's not my problem.
07:30Is this about a federal crime?
07:33No, but the military-
07:34Always a pleasure, Amos. Take care of yourself. Adios.
07:42Are you alright, Amos?
07:44Damn showboating prick. Yes, I'm fine.
07:49I don't know what else I expected, but he's not going to help unless it's a federal crime.
07:55A federal crime, you say?
07:57Eliza, what are you scheming about?
08:00Oh, never you mind. Just keeping myself occupied, as you said. I will see you later, Amos.
08:08With all that has happened today, I nearly forgot to go to the church and check up on Father Jenkins.
08:18If you want a memento of the man, perhaps a smaller piece would suffice.
08:24If you want a-
08:37Can I help you, ma'am?
08:49Who are you, and where is Father Jenkins?
08:52The name's Jack Riley, and Father Jenkins is off on a well-earned vacation.
08:58What? Why was I not informed?
09:01Ah, you know how long it takes news to get here from Rome.
09:08Jenkins has not taken a single day off since he took his vows. Why would he suddenly do so now?
09:15The boss made him take time off. Between you and me, you do not say no to the big guy in our line of work.
09:22Enough. You are barely credible as a man, let alone a priest.
09:27But you know what? I will have Amos sort this out. It is not worth my time.
09:37I'm afraid I can't let you do that.
09:46Now, that is a much faster way of confirming my suspicions.
09:50Where is Father Jenkins, you fraudulent fiend?
09:53Look, the father's getting ready for a one-way trip to paradise.
09:59He might even live long enough to unpack his suitcase, provided you cooperate.
10:05Ugh, this is outrageous.
10:10Fine, what do you want from me?
10:12Buckle up, sweet cheeks, because we're going to rob the First National Bank.
10:17What? Are you out of your mind?
10:20Perhaps. Now listen, I have it on good authority that the bank's got a literal fortune hidden in the vault.
10:28Over half a million dollars in cash. Oh, and the recipe for something called special sauce.
10:36Name on that account is Michael Walker.
10:39Why did you not tell me that first? You did not need the subterfuge. I would have signed up in a heartbeat.
10:46Who cares? The point is, half a million bucks is just sitting there, waiting to be snatched up.
10:53Just focus on doing a clean job. You'll get your cut, don't worry.
10:58Fine, but what about Jenkins?
11:01After I reach my safehouse, I'll send you a telegram with his location. You can go get him yourself.
11:13Is there anything we need to get before the operation?
11:16Well, we're going to need disguises, of course. I also need you to speak with a buddy of mine, name of Harrelson.
11:24He's an expert safecracker. Then we gotta find someone who can disable the alarm for us and...
11:30Slow down. It sounds like you are placing a lot of trust in me. And by trust, I mean making me do all your dirty work.
11:38What part of being blackmailed do you not understand, lady?
11:43You don't get to choose the terms. You just get to carry them out.
11:47Then I should begin immediately. The sooner I start, the sooner this will be over.
11:52Not so fast. There's one more thing. You gotta make sure the park is empty. No potential witnesses.
12:00And just how do you expect me to accomplish all that?
12:04If you are really as smart as you seem to think you are, you'll find a way.
12:12About the heist...
12:18What sort of disguises did you have in mind?
12:21I don't care. As long as we can move in them and they hide our identities, they're fine.
12:31Is there anything we need to get before the operation?
12:34Well, we're going to need disguises, of course. I also need you to speak with a buddy of mine, name of Harrelson.
12:41He's an expert safecracker.
12:43Then we gotta find someone who can disable the alarm for us, and you gotta make sure the park is empty.
12:49No potential witnesses.
12:58Who is this Harrelson, and how can we find him?
13:01Harrelson's a friend. We're in the same general line of work.
13:05Now, we didn't come here together, which must mean he's here to do a job.
13:11That's gonna be his first and only priority.
13:14So your job is to convince him to take this... side gig.
13:18Why can you not just ask him yourself?
13:21Are you kidding? One stranger in a town this size is unusual enough, let alone two.
13:27I feel a lot safer hiding in here. I draw less attention that way.
13:32Plus, there's a bunch of free booze in the basement.
13:36Well, how am I supposed to even find him?
13:39I've been in here all day, but I saw him having a coffee at the diner this morning.
13:44I guess you could try there. Might be hard to talk him into this, though.
13:49Convincing people to do things is my greatest talent.
13:53I bet you will even learn a thing or two from me.
13:56Yeah? You're gonna learn to shut up, or do you have more questions?
14:03How do you expect me to disable the alarm?
14:06That's your problem, honey.
14:08But you must know everyone in town. I'm sure you'll find someone to help you.
14:12And if I don't?
14:14Father Jenkins bites it.
14:21I can hardly ban taxpaying residents from public spaces.
14:25What do you suggest I tell them?
14:27You're the politician. Make some empty promises. Or threats.
14:32As long as no one's there to see the heist go down, I don't care what you do.
14:39We should talk about this later.
14:41All right.
14:45When you decided to go after Michael Strongbox and come to this town, were you not worried about our sheriff?
14:51Amos is a legendary lawman.
14:53Yeah, legendary for being gullible.
14:57I mean, the guy believes in the Sasquatch.
15:01How can anyone take him seriously? What a joke.
15:05Anyway, I've been sending him anonymous reports of weird creatures and mysterious entities for months.
15:11I bet he's been pretty distracted lately, hasn't he?
15:15So it was you. You are the one filling his head with inane stories about mobster woodchucks.
15:21Mobster woodchucks? What?
15:24No, I just planted fake Sasquatch footprints around the lake.
15:28What the hell is a mobster woodchuck?
15:33Since money is clearly what you are after, perhaps you would be willing to consider a different arrangement.
15:39Maybe. What are you offering?
15:42I offer to pay you directly for his rescue, in full, over a series of budget-friendly monthly installments.
15:49Let us say, at the rate of $10 a month?
15:53Under those conditions, I can't guarantee you'll get him back in one piece.
15:58It's money now, or Father Jenkins, never.
16:02Damn. You would be surprised how often that works.
16:08I would like to know more about you, Mr. Riley.
16:11All you need to know right now is how to prepare for the heist.
16:15If you do a good job, maybe I'll consider answering more questions.
16:21That will be all, Mr. Riley. I must go.
16:24Wait. Before you leave, I have to give you the password.
16:29Password? What password?
16:32You know, a secret code so Harrelson knows who's sending you?
16:36Oh, that kind of password. Well, what is it?
16:40One that you'll easily remember.
16:43I'd like to rent a room with cheese, please.
16:47Please. Now, get moving! You've got a job to do.
16:52And remember, not one word to the fuzz.
16:56I will hold up my end of the bargain, never doubt that.
17:00And, Mr. Riley, if anything happens to Father Jenkins, you had better pray to whatever god you believe in.
17:07Because nothing in this world, or the next, will spare you from the wrath of Eliza Barrett.
17:18I cannot believe I have to save Jenkins Hyde again.
17:23Focus, Eliza. Picking up three costumes and getting Mr. Riley's friend to help us should not be a problem.
17:30Then, we have to remove any potential witnesses from the park.
17:34That part might prove tricky.
17:37And I have no clue how to disable the alarm at the bank.
17:41Well, it is going to be a long night. Better get to it.
17:47You must be Mr. Harrelson. We have business to discuss.
18:16Two questions, lady. One, how the hell do you know my name? Two, what could you and I possibly have to talk about?
18:26I suppose I have the same answer for both questions. We have a mutual friend. One Jack Riley, to be precise.
18:34Uh-huh. So what's the password, then?
18:41The rain was long ago, but the desert does not forget.
18:45What am I, a weatherman? Get lost.
18:53Johnny Gargano is the bee's knees.
18:56If I was watching the door at a speakeasy, that would mean something. Out of my sight.
19:04Marlene Dietrich stole some sheep because she couldn't fall asleep.
19:08I couldn't give a crap how that woman is sleeping. Now leave me alone.
19:15Mary had a little lamb, but she got hungry and made kebabs.
19:19Good for Mary, but that ain't what I'm looking for. Get lost.
19:24I'd like to rent a room with cheese, please.
19:27We have rooms to spare, but no cheese. I can't believe Jack Riley's actually here.
19:34Hadn't heard a peep from him since I got out of the joint. What's he cooking up this time?
19:41Let us say he is planning to make an unauthorized withdrawal at the bank.
19:46What for? There can't be any money in this one-horse town. Besides, I got a job already.
19:56But maybe if you did something for me first, I'd feel a little more helpful.
20:01What sort of help did you have in mind?
20:04I've been hired to bring down a certain rhino. I need an M1 Garand rifle for the job, and I ain't got one.
20:13You help me with that, and I'll give you and Jack a hand.
20:17You seem to be better suited to procuring illegal munitions than myself. Why ask me?
20:23Three reasons. One, I don't feel like walking.
20:28Two, your dumbass sheriff is already suspicious of me.
20:33Three, it always helps to have an extra set of fingerprints on a stolen gun.
20:38Well, Amos has confiscated a large number of hunting rifles. I could check at the police station.
20:44No. If the sheriff sees one of those is missing, he'll suspect something. No cops, is that clear?
20:52Crystal, but where else am I supposed to find your firearm?
20:56I guess you'll have to track down the Desert Viper and make a deal.
21:03Where can I find this Desert Viper you mentioned?
21:06The hell should I know? Do I look like a herpetologist?
21:10This is no time for wordplay, Mr. Harrelson. Tell me what you know.
21:15The Desert Viper is the toughest, meanest, scariest arms dealer on this side of the border.
21:22You mean to tell me I have had an illegal arms dealing operation running under my nose this entire time?
21:29I don't know how to answer that exactly. How long have you lived here?
21:35Almost all my life.
21:37Then, yeah.
21:41So, you came to the middle of the American desert to hunt rhinos, did you?
21:46Goddamn right I did. Why do you care?
21:50Because I imagine it would be quite a difficult task, considering there are no wild rhinoceroses here,
21:57or anywhere on the continent, for that matter.
22:00Believe me, my information is good. The rhino is here.
22:09Out of curiosity, how did you and Riley meet?
22:12We spent some time together in California.
22:17Really? Where? Alcatraz? San Quentin?
22:21Chino, actually. We were new meat at the same time.
22:25Without Riley, I would have never made it out.
22:31Why exactly were you imprisoned?
22:33I was brought in on charges of murder, armed robbery, counterfeiting, and third-degree puppy punting.
22:41Animal cruelty. Could you sink any lower?
22:45It's not what you think. I was framed by the Chicago K-9 unit.
22:50Those bastards busted into my place, beat me to a pulp, and peed all over the carpet.
22:56And then, to add insult to injury, they chewed up my best shoes.
23:01Unsettling. But how could that land you in prison?
23:05Oh, they planted a bunch of cocaine in my apartment, and then told the court that I was the one who beat them up.
23:13They even showed up to the trial with half their limbs in casts.
23:18They look so cute. No jury would have believed my side of the story.
23:24Dirty police dogs. I could never have imagined.
23:29So, you are a member of a biker gang. That is a lovely ride you have there, by the way.
23:36We call it a motor club, but yeah.
23:40And thanks. Got this beauty from someone in another club.
23:44I was not expecting biker rivalries to be so civil.
23:48It wasn't a gift, lady. More like an involuntary surrender of assets.
23:54Ah, that sounds more like it.
23:59Tell me more about your motor club.
24:02They call us the bloodthirsty turtles of furious death.
24:08Have you had many encounters with your rivals?
24:11Hell's Summer Associates? Not since the incident.
24:15My incident? You mean how you were run off the big island with your tails between your legs?
24:21As I said, the incident, yeah.
24:25I am surprised that you never sought revenge.
24:28I don't think any of the old-timers want to open that beef back up.
24:32They're all scared of the Hell's Summer Associates leader.
24:36Apparently it's a woman, and she goes by the Alligator.
24:41Do you mean the Litigator?
24:43Yeah, how'd you know?
24:47Holy crap, are you...
24:50Damn, the legend herself.
24:55When did you join this motor club of yours?
24:58When I drew my first breath.
25:01I was born in the sidecar of my dad's motorcycle while he was trying to outrun the fuzz.
25:07See, my dad was running from the cops when he ducked into a bookstore to hide.
25:12My mom was shopping there.
25:14She took one look at this big sweaty biker covered with tattoos and breathing hard,
25:20and her water broke from sheer terror.
25:23We tend to have that effect on people.
25:27He grabbed my terrified mother in one arm and the store's cash box in the other,
25:32threw them both into a sidecar and hit the road.
25:35They were en route to the hospital when Dad swerved to avoid a kid on a bicycle.
25:40We hit a wall.
25:42Dad and I were okay, but the cash box hit Mom in the head and, well...
25:46That was the first time I ended up in the clink.
25:50I must drop by next time I am in Chicago.
25:53I would love to see all the mugshots in your family album.
25:56Hey, you laugh, but I looked adorable in those tiny handcuffs.
26:04It must have been hard growing up without a mother.
26:07Kinda.
26:09Dad wasn't around much, so I had to do a lot of stuff for myself.
26:14Cook, clean, pay the bills, change my diapers.
26:18I wish my offspring were that self-sufficient.
26:21I coddle her too much.
26:24Yeah, right.
26:26No offense, but you don't really seem like the nurturing type.
26:30Excuse me?
26:32I defy you to find even one other mother in this country who did a better job than I-
26:47Woo-ha-ha-ha! That was a good one!
26:50Woo, these fumes are making me dizzy.
26:53Oh, hi Miss Dixon!
27:00Ever thought about leaving the club?
27:02Nah, they're my family, and you never abandon your family.
27:08I mean, not without a good reason.
27:11Your loyalty is admirable regardless.
27:14Our motto has always been, the only way out is in a body bag.
27:19I do not need any more information about your unwholesome existence.
27:23Aww.
27:26What sort of help did you have in mind?
27:29I need an M1 Garand rifle for the job, and I ain't got one.
27:34You help me with that, and I'll give you and Jack a hand.
27:40We will speak later, Mr. Harrelson.
27:43Sure thing. I ain't going nowhere.
27:50This has Mayor Barrett written all over it, if you ask me.
27:55I fail to see how a plane crash is the mayor's fault.
27:59Oh, really? Ask yourself then.
28:01Was there ever a downed plane cluttering up downtown before the Barrett administration?
28:07You seem quite invested in damaging Mayor Barrett's public image.
28:12Please, continue.
28:14Don't you find it suspicious that the statue of beloved hero Pat Garrett suddenly exploded?
28:21And not a minute later, what do I see that woman doing?
28:25Stealing evidence right out of the police station!
28:28That's a felony last I checked!
28:30I hardly think all these terrible things can be pinned on the mayor.
28:35Oh, really? Been by the church lately?
28:38Where's Father Jenkins? Nobody knows!
28:41She replaced him without even telling anyone!
28:44If you ask me, she committed foul play and hid his body in the lake.
28:49Boys, keep going, don't stop!
28:52Do you know she's allowing people to keep cougars as pets?
28:57If it escaped, it could eat someone, probably a child!
29:00I would not worry about cougars so much.
29:04They can barely hold an assault rifle, let alone ride a unicycle.
29:09Bears, on the other hand...
29:12Not to mention, she keeps trying to bring down small business owners, like Mike.
29:18Despicable! The Walker family's legacy of meatball excellence must be protected at all costs!
29:25And let me tell you the biggest secret about...
29:29Such a lovely evening, is it not, Miss Hart?
29:33Well, hello there, Mayor Barrett! Long time no see!
29:40Do you have a problem with the way I manage my town?
29:44You bet I do!
29:46The costs Sam will need to face to turn his life around after this incident must be astronomical, and for...
29:52Don't bother! I've got it covered, and I don't want anyone messing it up!
29:59But that's not all!
30:01You're leading an unjust crusade against a local business that has stood for generations!
30:07You cannot be serious!
30:09Oh, but I am!
30:11Michael Walker has a thriving small business and a great work ethic!
30:15And all you ever do is try to sabotage him!
30:18Well, if you are so confident my treatment of Michael is unwarranted,
30:22we could always discuss it with him over a plate of his latest creation.
30:27Table for two, then!
30:29Oh, God, no!
30:30I... um...
30:34What about Max's Kamehameha, sponsored by Eliza Barrett?
30:39A disgusting display of favoritism!
30:42If it was up to me, I'd have that bar shut down lickety-split!
30:49What the hell? Was that a coconut?
30:51Yep! And there's more where that one came from!
30:54Perhaps now would be a good time to drop this subject.
30:57Would you not agree, Miss Hart?
30:59Uh-huh.
31:05What is the purpose behind all these baseless accusations you keep spouting?
31:09I demand to be properly compensated for all the pain and suffering you've caused me!
31:15I mean the pain and suffering that your plane crash caused in my town!
31:20Yeah, that.
31:22Compensation? That is preposterous.
31:25I am not listening to this tripe for one more second.
31:28Well, that's your choice.
31:30I'll just have to spread the word that a vote for Barrett means endorsing aerial destruction of your town.
31:37As if anyone in their right mind would...
31:39Oh, damn it all.
31:42The End
31:56Considering the only reason Lincoln was flying that night was because of Mr. Lapidus's absence,
32:01who hails from one of the eldest families established in your town,
32:05I believe the blame falls entirely on your shoulders.
32:09Nonsense! That absence was due to severe intoxication from eating at a diner in your town.
32:16So you, Eliza Barrett, are the only one to blame.
32:20His inability to make sound decisions only strengthens my argument.
32:24Regardless, if anybody from my town should take the blame, it would be Michael Walker.
32:30He should be the one held responsible for every bad thing that happened last night.
32:34Like hell I am!
32:36Throwing your own citizens under the bus to save your skin.
32:41You just strengthened my position.
32:46Have I wronged you somehow?
32:48Otherwise, I do not understand why you are mounting such a savage campaign against me.
32:53Wronged me? You are such a...
32:57Really? You don't understand?
32:59I'm your opponent.
33:01And any strategist worth their salt knows that the first move in war is to weaken the opposition.
33:07By that statement, I can tell you have a military background.
33:11I was raised in a military household, yes.
33:14My father is a high-ranking officer. What of it?
33:18Just trying to place you, that is all.
33:20It must have been quite difficult growing up in such a strict environment.
33:25You call these military corners, young lady?
33:28Having a bed is a privilege, and you're not worthy of it.
33:32Now drop and give me fifty before you make your bed the right way.
33:38Hello? Ms. Hart? Are you listening to me?
33:44No! Why would I listen to you?
33:47And shut up! You don't know anything about me!
33:50That will be all for today.
33:52Don't think you can just shoo me away.
33:55I'll be back with even more dirt on you. Mark my words.
34:00Whatever you need to give your life meaning.
34:16Good evening, Ms. Peterson.
34:18Sorry, Ms. Barrett, but I'm a little bit busy here.
34:22American planes are terrible.
34:24But I wouldn't think they were this terrible.
34:28Let us leave it as it is.
34:30The airfield will have a lot to answer for.
34:36It is quite obvious that they are out of business.
34:39But some people need signs for everything.
34:46What could have hit-
34:47Eliza! Ah, I was hoping to see you one more time before my bus got here.
34:53Now I can say farewell properly.
34:56Farewell? Sam, you cannot possibly leave us for a minor setback.
35:01Well, I wouldn't consider a giant airplane wing a minor setback, exactly.
35:07But we can help you rebuild.
35:09Or we could even leave the wings stuck in the motel and make it a tourist attraction.
35:14You could charge them for admission, photos, souvenirs.
35:17Not this time, Eliza.
35:19I've made up my mind.
35:21I'm going back to Arizona.
35:23It's past time I return to my roots.
35:26And besides, I've always wanted to help teach the young.
35:30Keep the stories of my childhood alive.
35:35I'll leave business management to the new generation.
35:39But why leave in such a rush?
35:41Can you not wait until after the election?
35:44That's my Eliza.
35:46You always cheer me up.
35:48I'm truly going to miss you, friend.
35:51If there is no changing your mind,
35:53then let us at least make our final conversation one to remember.
36:00I am glad nothing happened to you last night.
36:03How did you manage that, exactly?
36:05The weirdest thing happened.
36:07I woke up in the middle of the night to something tapping on my window.
36:11What was it?
36:13A condor, white as snow, knocking on the glass.
36:16We stared into each other's eyes for a moment.
36:19And then it told me to follow.
36:21A talking condor, Sam?
36:23Have you perhaps spent too much time around my offspring?
36:27You want to hear the story or not?
36:29I followed him around until we reached a level crossing,
36:33when suddenly I heard an explosion and a loud crash.
36:36I turned around just in time to see the plane wings slice my motel in half.
36:41It would seem that bird saved your life, Sam.
36:44Indeed it did.
36:46I turned around to express my gratitude, but it had already left.
36:50Yeah, he's departed, all right!
36:53Snow-dusted chicken wings! Get them while they're hot!
36:59Despite everything, you do not seem that concerned about what happened.
37:03Oh, well, this door-to-door salesman popped in yesterday.
37:07Very persuasive.
37:09He had me sign one of his insurance packages in five seconds flat.
37:13Called it the, whatever happens, we've got you covered pack.
37:18It was for a limited time offer, ending yesterday too.
37:22And he even gave me a 50% discount because he liked my nose.
37:26Sam, you know they always use that wording to get you to sign without thinking, right?
37:31Not in this case. Here, take a look.
37:36In the event of a military plane or piece of it falling on your property,
37:40L. Hardy's insurance will shoulder all the costs,
37:43as well as pay for any damages you may have incurred.
37:48Well, I'm amazed at their idiocy, but happy for you, Sam.
37:52Thanks. I'm going to live quite the comfy life thanks to that idiocy.
37:58I hope you know you will always be welcome here, Sam.
38:02You know, Eliza, we're all your obvious faults.
38:06Faults? Me? Whatever do you mean?
38:09Where should I begin? You're greedy, arrogant, deceitful.
38:13Well, I cannot argue with those.
38:16Bossy, overly ambitious, dishonest about your feelings.
38:20I thought you said these were faults.
38:22Megalomaniacal, vengeful, and mean.
38:26Well, that did hurt. I certainly hope there is a but coming.
38:30But you are a truly remarkable woman, Eliza.
38:34I'll hush you.
38:38My offspring is going to miss you very much.
38:41And I'll miss her deeply, especially our intellectual conversations.
38:46You mean when you put wild ideas in her head and then I have to deal with the backlash?
38:52Exactly.
38:53By the way, expect to be having a nice conversation about spirit animals any time this week.
39:01What animal should I be expecting her to behave like now?
39:05I just told her it probably would be the dolphin.
39:08Because of her curious and inventive nature?
39:11Yes. Also because of that time I saw her swallow a mackerel whole without even blinking.
39:21What should we do with the motel?
39:23Oh, I'm sure you have some ideas already.
39:43We could pull down the remaining structure and clear the land.
39:47Then it would make a wonderful wildlife refuge.
39:50It will hold two members of each species in the world, just like that science fiction tale.
39:55All that free-range meat walking around unsupervised within Mike's reach?
40:01I guess there is no harm in leaving this as a memorial to all that was lost.
40:08Will you miss us?
40:10This town will always have a special place in my heart, Eliza.
40:14And if I had one regret, it's that I leave with many unanswered questions.
40:19Will Amos ever catch the chipmunks?
40:22Will Ben ever see a real communist?
40:26Who is the real legal owner of the diner?
40:29Apologies, what was that last one?
40:31Have you seen the vermin around that place?
40:34They're so big, it makes me wonder if Mike is really the one in charge of that place.
40:40Honestly, with you gone, I do not know how I will manage.
40:44Oh, Eliza, you worry too much. I'll be fine.
40:48Who will help me deal with my offspring now?
40:51Oh, that's what you meant.
40:53Well, in that case, let me make a recommendation.
40:57The River of Lost Souls.
40:59Sam! Drowning her is a little dramatic.
41:02I'm talking about you.
41:05Sam! Drowning her is a little dramatic.
41:08I'm talking about the River of Lost Souls, hot springs resort and spa.
41:14They're offering out great package for overworked people, like yourself.
41:19They even have a daycare to look after Betty.
41:22Because sometimes escape isn't a luxury, it's a necessity.
41:27I appreciate the thought, but perhaps I should just hire a babysitter for her.
41:32Have you asked Amos?
41:34He was too busy with that chipmunk case.
41:37Chipmunks? Nah, that's not...
41:48Oh, no. Did you see that?
41:51See what?
41:52I... I don't know. It was like some kind of vision.
41:57But what did you see?
41:59Never mind. It was unclear. Difficult to interpret.
42:04It's a good thing I'm leaving today.
42:06This has been such a lovely chat, but I suppose we must say goodbye now.
42:11Eliza, before you leave, I don't know if I should tell you this,
42:16but I've been having these dreams about you.
42:19Sam, I am flattered, but...
42:21Not that. I'm concerned about your future, Eliza.
42:25I feel it is a grim one.
42:27In my dream, you have lost everything.
42:30Friends, home, your daughter, and even...
42:33Do not say the presidency. Anything but the presidency.
42:36Your life.
42:39Do not scare me like that again, you old rascal.
42:42Well, I won't keep you any longer, Eliza.
42:45Godspeed, my friend, and may the spirits be kind to you.
42:49Goodbye, Sam.
42:52I will truly miss that man.
42:57It looks like an intentional hit, but was it?
43:01What is more important than speaking to me, may I ask?
43:05I apologize, Ms. Mayer.
43:07My editor is a very strict man, and I must take pictures for him right away.
43:12Please, you'll have to wait for the time being.
43:16These pictures will greatly improve my standing in the agency.
43:20I can already see the promotion coming.
43:23Ms. Peterson, what I have to tell you is of the utmost importance.
43:27Ms. Mayer, I promise I will give you my full attention in just a little while.
43:32Actually, perhaps another day would be better.
43:39I hope they didn't die.
43:41Or were they?
43:43I hope they didn't die.
43:45Or worse, get fired.
43:48She has made it quite clear that she is too busy to talk.
44:00Oh man, this is gonna be awesome!
44:03Hell yeah it is!
44:05Hehehehe!
44:12What do you think?
44:14I don't know, it's missing something.
44:16Oh, I know!
44:20Haha, nice! That's perfect!
44:25Uh, Betty?
44:27Not now, I think it's still missing something.
44:32Oh, I know! What if she was breathing fire?
44:35Hey Betty, you might want to quit it with the artistic expression.
44:41I can't quit now!
44:43I just realized she needs a sombrero!
44:48Spanish is a beautiful language.
44:51That is why I have decided to make this giant hat my running mate.
44:57Mary Elizabeth Anderson!
45:01Oh!
45:07Should I even bother to ask why you are doing this?
45:10Because I didn't expect to get caught, duh!
45:13Quiet!
45:15Why is it that whenever anything goes wrong around here, it's always because of you two?
45:20Hey, it's never my idea!
45:22That is quite enough!
45:24Both of you go home immediately!
45:26And you should be thankful I am not reporting you to Amos for defacement of public property!
45:31You wouldn't do that to your own daughter!
45:34Oh my god, you idiot, yes she would!
45:37Let's get the hell out of here before she changes her mind!
45:48I feel my suit looks better without bullet holes.
45:51And, as a matter of fact, so do I.
45:57Cluck, cluck.
45:59Quack, quack, quack, quack.
46:08Bang, bang, bang.
46:15You want anything, Miss Mayor?
46:17Because if you do, save it for tomorrow.
46:20It's time for my beauty sleep.
46:23Good night, Miss Mayor.
46:26Snoring.
46:37Quack, quack.
46:38Stop right there, you commie scum!
46:41Benjamin, for the last time, I am not a communist.
46:52Stop right there, you gubernatorial scum!
46:56Fine, I will leave you and your home alone.
47:00Good, now back to...
47:05Snoring.
47:26That bad, huh? What's wrong with her?
47:29We don't know. The doctors won't even look at her because we can't pay.
47:36All we know is that she's really sick.
47:39Aw, fuck up, little buddy.
47:41Hey, you know what I think will make you guys feel a lot better?
47:45How about a nice big piece of cake?
47:48Yay, cake!
47:51Okay, one cake, special orphan price.
47:55That'll be $29.99, excluding tip.
47:58What? We don't have any money, Mike.
48:02No money, no cake, kiddo.
48:04You want something just for showing up?
48:06What do you think this is, communist Russia?
48:10But, well, in your case, I'll make an exception.
48:14Just don't tell the man in the gas station.
48:17No socialist desert distribution under capitalism!
48:28Must we really talk to Michael? Is there truly no other option?
48:35Let us just get this over with.
48:39Greetings, Michael.
48:41Well, there goes everyone's appetite. Why are you here?
48:45I was just wondering if you knew anything about the plane crash.
48:48Not much. Wasn't your boyfriend the pilot?
48:52Did he fake his death to get away from you?
48:55That was low, Michael, even for you.
48:59Oh, so you... oh, yeah.
49:02Geez, I'm sorry, Eliza. Force of habit.
49:06I should have thought about what I was saying.
49:08It's all right, Michael.
49:10I am sure I will have the opportunity to verbally destroy you again soon.
49:15But I simply do not have the motivation right now.
49:18Sure. Um, and I just want to say...
49:21No, please do not.
49:23That in the grand scheme of things, we're both still human beings, and...
49:27Michael, please.
49:29If you ever need someone to talk to about all this, ask someone else.
49:34Thank you, Michael. On a day like this, it is good to know that some things have not changed.
49:40I am glad to see you are making new friends, Michael.
49:43That jerk ain't my friend.
49:45He arrived this morning and hasn't left the parking lot all day.
49:49Can't you use your mayoral privilege or whatever to tell him to skedaddle?
49:53He's scaring away all my customers!
49:56Lucky customers.
49:58Perhaps I should pay him to remain there permanently.
50:02I'm surprised you let all these unsupervised children hang around the diner.
50:06You should be grateful these kids are here, because they just gave me a great idea!
50:11Michael, we have been over this a thousand times.
50:15Unhomed is not the same as free-range.
50:18Children are not the same as veal, and...
50:21Actually, what I was going to say is that I propose a deal.
50:25All right, Michael.
50:27Actually, what I was going to say is that I propose a deal.
50:31I'll waste my vote on you if you promise to expedite the adoption paperwork.
50:37You want to adopt them? Why?
50:39So you can have an unpaid waitstaff?
50:42Or maybe because it breaks my heart to see a bunch of homeless kids.
50:46Look, how about I also rename the Stanky Mayor Special?
50:50That sweeten the deal?
50:52That is not a dish.
50:54It's a pile of oozing trash you put in a bowl and refuse to throw out.
50:58Okay, how about this?
51:00You push through that paperwork, and I'll start a new promotion!
51:04Bring in one Barrett campaign leaflet, get a free slice of pie and soda!
51:09What do you think of that?
51:11All right, Michael. My answer is...
51:25No.
51:27Look, Eliza, can I just talk to you normally for a second here?
51:32Lorraine's a nice lady, but she can't keep up with a bunch of wild kids.
51:37I got a big empty house, plenty of food, lots of stuff for them to do.
51:42Just think about it, would ya?
51:47Perhaps you are...
51:49Perhaps you are not wrong.
51:52Perhaps you are not wrong.
51:54I shall think about your offer, but I promise nothing.
51:57Thank you very much, Miss Mayor!
52:00You are most welcome, Mr. Walker.
52:05Why do you insist on cooking for a living, Michael?
52:08Why not try something for which you are better suited?
52:11Smell-testing underarm deodorants?
52:14Cleaning up vomit at an amusement park?
52:17Or perhaps Roscoe needs help aiming during breeding season?
52:20Why do you insist on being a politician, Eliza?
52:23Why not try something you're better suited to?
52:26Like, uh...
52:28Shutting up!
52:29Wow, what a comeback.
52:35I have had as much Michael Walker as I can stand for the day.
52:40As tempted as I am to erase that stain on my reputation.
52:45I will not be the one to crush her sense of self-worth.
52:48I will leave that to the demolition team.
52:52I have no time for games.
52:57No matter what happens-
52:58Ugh, children.
53:00Gross, a grown-up!
53:04Miss Mayor, do you mind? We're trying to hold an important meeting!
53:09Do you not think we have more important things to do than play?
53:14Children cannot vote and therefore are not worth my time.
53:18Sorry, Miss Mayor. No grown-ups allowed.
53:22I have no time for games.
53:32Holy smokes! Is that a giant cockroach?
53:37Is he cooking?
53:39Hey, I got out of living somehow.
53:42Besides, what's the problem?
53:44You've been eating it since you got here.
53:46Where do you think all your school cafeteria food comes from?
53:50Ew!
53:52Kids, leave Rocco alone!
54:16It might be more comfortable than that coffin, but I would rather die than sleep here.
54:42Amos, we have a situation.
54:44What did Betty do this time?
54:46What? No!
54:51Father Jenkins has been kidnapped.
54:53Look, Eliza, I doubt anyone kidnapped Jenkins.
54:57Maybe he just stepped out for a quick pilgrimage or something.
55:02Sometimes I wonder why we even have a sheriff.
55:05Eliza, you're five feet away. I heard that!
55:09What exactly constitutes a federal crime?
55:12Oh, lots of things. Mail fraud, robbing banks, hijacking, blowing up statues of important historical figures.
55:19That last one does not seem to match the others in terms of severity.
55:23But I am more concerned about the military presence than that.
55:27You're right, Eliza. First we deal with this military business.
55:31Then we get those vandals.
55:33I have heard some unsavory rumors flying around.
55:36About how our little town is harboring a dangerous black market operation.
55:41Black market? Here? Ha!
55:44What are they dealing in? Cactus fruit? Huge quantities of sand?
55:49Weapons. For the love of Churchill, weapons.
55:53Holy guacamole!
55:55I wonder who could possibly be involved.
55:59Amos, I want you to take the night off.
56:04Yeah, right. You haven't given me a day off since I took this position.
56:08An exaggeration, if I ever heard one.
56:11You made me work on my wedding night!
56:14That was an emergency, Amos.
56:16I'm sorry, but I can't take the night off.
56:19I'm sorry, but I can't take the night off.
56:22I'm sorry, but I can't take the night off.
56:25I'm sorry, but I can't take the night off.
56:27That was an emergency.
56:29How about last Christmas Eve?
56:31That was an emergency.
56:33Eliza, next time you decorate a Christmas tree, use a damn footstool.
56:38Your tree wasn't even that tall. Why couldn't Betty have done it?
56:42Do you not remember what she did the previous year?
56:45I could never forget it.
56:47What happened to the spreadin' pure Universal Tinsel 5000 anyway?
56:51She forgot it at the White House when I took her there last year.
56:55The President found it and accidentally triggered it in the Oval Office.
56:59There was so much tinsel, it took a whole year to rescue him.
57:03I reckon Truman's got a whole new appreciation for the holiday spirit now.
57:09Anyway, tinsel is a walk in the park compared to the disaster that a Mecha Santa would have been.
57:15Ding!
57:23Amos, I must insist you stop working for the night.
57:27And I must insist on declining to do so.
57:30I have a funny feeling you'd fire me for dereliction of duty.
57:34Do you really believe me to be so petty?
57:37I have the right to remain silent.
57:40Why are you so intense on me taking tonight off anyway?
57:45Your obsession with the supernatural is starting to affect your work, Amos.
57:49Take the night off.
57:51We need you in tip-top shape to fight off actual threats.
57:54That's kind of you, but I'm stayin' on duty.
57:57I won't be able to really relax until we hunt down those evil chipmunks anyway.
58:05Amos, we need to discuss the America's Safest Town Award.
58:09It was signed by the President himself.
58:12The America's Safest Town Award.
58:15It was so humiliating to be disqualified last year.
58:18Please tell me we are in better shape now.
58:21Well, I've done the best I can, and our crime rate is extremely low.
58:26If you don't count all the Betty crimes.
58:29My ears must be going bad.
58:31I could have sworn you just said Betty crimes.
58:34I've chosen my words carefully, Eliza.
58:38I authorize you to deal with it however you see fit.
58:42My offspring is not to be given any sort of special treatment.
58:46Well, you know what Sheriff Pat would have done, right?
58:49I think we have moved beyond the point of prairie justice as a society, do you not?
58:54I hardly think honor killings are necessary in these modern times.
58:58Honor kill? Jeez, Eliza.
59:01I meant he would have put her in a cell for a few days to cool off.
59:06Although...
59:08Amos, no. See you later, Amos.
59:11Later, Eliza.
59:16Clearly he is not leaving. Time for plan B.
59:20Hmm, perhaps we could exploit that chipmunk obsession of his to nudge him out.
59:29I've lost enough to this town. You can't have that too.
59:33You can't have that too.
59:36I've lost enough to this town.
59:38We will not be able to touch it as long as Amos is right there.
59:42And I am afraid we have run out of emotionally relevant statues with which to distract him.