Category
🎮️
GamingTranscript
00:00:00Nothing I can do for Christine right now, but worry not she is always there when I need her
00:00:15You may want to see me cavort and filth, but that is one thing you cannot make me do
00:00:20If we are going to steal, we should try to at least take something of actual value
00:00:50I'll wrench him good, don't test me
00:01:20Heavens above! Look who deigned to grace us with her presence! If it isn't the worst mayor in history!
00:01:30Oh Michael, you are as funny as your food is edible
00:01:34Ha ha ha! I know, right? Hey, wait a minute! You want to say that again? I'm not scared to kick out the mayor
00:01:42You sure you want to try that, Michael? Considering how that worked out for you last time
00:01:48Damn you and your freaking lawsuits, Eliza! How you managed to convince an entire jury that I hurt your foot with my butt is beyond me!
00:01:56Just don't stay here too long, you'll scare off my clientele
00:02:09Alright, Eliza, I see you eyeing the bar. How about a little relaxer?
00:02:16I could never relax in this place. If I touch the wrong thing, it might melt my skin
00:02:22Oh, come on! You know that hasn't happened in weeks
00:02:33Michael, let me take a look at that bottle
00:02:35You'll have that whiskey back after you pry it from my cold, dead hands, Eliza!
00:02:41Have it back?
00:02:43Ha ha ha!
00:02:49Michael, let me take a-
00:02:50You'll have that-
00:02:51Have it-
00:02:52Ha ha ha!
00:03:01Miss Mayor, it's so good to see you
00:03:04Miss Jones, what is a young lady of your talents doing in this dump?
00:03:09Hey, I heard that!
00:03:11I could ask you the same thing
00:03:13Touché. I'm only here on campaign business
00:03:17You're welcome to join me for dinner if you like
00:03:19Thank you for the invitation. But I would like to avoid contracting ringworm tonight, thank you
00:03:25Ladies, ladies! I'm right freaking here!
00:03:30Well, then what can I do for you?
00:03:34What is the current status of our casino project?
00:03:37Operation Clean Eating is right on schedule
00:03:40Speaking of which, perhaps we could move up the demolition date
00:03:44As much as I'd love to, we need to wait
00:03:47Rushing it could jeopardize the whole operation
00:03:50Wait, back up! What's getting demolished?
00:03:53Oh, nothing much. Just a lowlife's pride and joy
00:03:57Well, glad to hear you aren't talking about my diner! Ha ha ha!
00:04:02Yes, Michael, laugh away. Do not give it a second thought
00:04:07You know, he makes this way too easy to be any fun
00:04:13Why are you sitting here all by yourself?
00:04:16I don't mind
00:04:18Now, now, what is wrong?
00:04:20It's just... I find it hard to click with people my age around here
00:04:29Well, you are always welcome to spend time with my offspring Betty
00:04:33Oh, I like Betty just fine, Miss Mayor. It's just that...
00:04:37Yes?
00:04:39It's just that she gets easily distracted by, well, everything
00:04:44Especially anything reflective
00:04:46Plus, I've only seen her carry a full conversation once
00:04:50And it was with the class hamster
00:04:52Hey, I have full conversations with her!
00:04:55Really? And how do you manage that?
00:04:58Real easy. I've got this triple XL sized hamster costume in the back
00:05:03Whenever I need to have an important conversation with her, I put it on
00:05:08It's pretty musky in there, but I can loan it to you if you want it
00:05:12You know, friends are kind of overrated, so I'll pass
00:05:18Perhaps you would be interested in speaking with Mr. Slim?
00:05:22John? No, no, no, there's nothing between him and me
00:05:29Why are you asking?
00:05:31Hmm, stuttering? An affectionate name?
00:05:35Oh, I know what's going on here! You're in love!
00:05:39You're in love? With who?
00:05:42And why do you care, Slim?
00:05:44Yes, Slim, why do you care?
00:05:47I was just, uh, trying to show interest in my fellow citizens. Yes, that
00:05:57How about instead of trying to pry information from others, you all keep to your own damn conversations for once?
00:06:04And Eliza Barrett comes in to kill everyone's fun
00:06:08Ah, fine, keep your silly little secrets to yourselves
00:06:13Thanks for the save
00:06:15Consider it a perk of our arrangement, Miss Jones
00:06:20Have you considered befriending Miss Valentine?
00:06:23Linda? No way! She's a maniac!
00:06:30What did you just say about me, Slim?
00:06:32What? I didn't say...
00:06:40Ow!
00:06:43See?
00:06:44You youngsters are too scared of the wrench
00:06:47When I was young, we could take horseshoes to the head without so much as a blink
00:06:54What you need is to partake in some extracurricular activities
00:06:58Have you considered helping the community?
00:07:00There is a former athlete who needs help getting their life back on track
00:07:04You mean Garrick?
00:07:06I'll have to pass on that one. It's too dangerous
00:07:10That little thing has a self-control problem when it catches on to the scent of...
00:07:14Oh, so that's where the chicken wings were
00:07:19Right under the year-old moldy custard
00:07:22Oh, no. Mike, what are you doing? Get rid of them immediately before it's too...
00:07:26What? Why should I?
00:07:31Oh, God!
00:07:41Grrr...
00:07:55Like hell this is a game over. Get this thing out of the way now!
00:08:01Good. Now, let us return to what we were doing before
00:08:05Yeah. Sorry, I got a little carried away
00:08:11Perhaps you are too mature for people in your age group
00:08:15What about my right-hand man, Joseph?
00:08:18I appreciate the gesture, Miss Mayer, but I don't see what Bucky and I could have to talk about
00:08:24Then you underestimate him greatly
00:08:27Did your Aunt Debbie ever tell you how your Uncle Flavio met his end?
00:08:31No, she hasn't. She says it's too painful to remember
00:08:36Joseph might be able to give you the details, then
00:08:39As well as explain what you need to do should a Wendigo show up in the middle of the night
00:08:43Italian! You can never go wrong with that!
00:08:46Sad to say, he is not wrong this time
00:08:49You know, I think I'll take your advice
00:08:52If only to put this sudden bout of dread to rest
00:08:55Just give it time. You will make friends eventually. I know you will
00:09:00Thank you, Miss Mayer
00:09:03Tell me, how is your Aunt doing lately?
00:09:07And more importantly, can I count on her vote in the coming election?
00:09:11Please, Miss Mayer. My Aunt may forget to use my current name at times
00:09:16But she would never forget to support you, after all you've done for us
00:09:20Current name? What, are you one of those secret agents or something?
00:09:27Wait, are you?
00:09:29If she told you about it, then she would have to kill you
00:09:32Actually, go ahead, Miss Jones. Fill him in
00:09:35Let's just say that my dad's business puts him in contact with some strong characters
00:09:43He thought I would have a safer upbringing here with my Aunt Debbie, under a fake name
00:09:48Boy, I can relate to that! I've had to go by a pseudonym many times for my own safety
00:09:54What are you on about, Michael?
00:09:56You may have many victims, but you are hardly significant enough to be anyone's enemy
00:10:02I just meant that I could relate to not being well liked
00:10:05Yes, yes you can
00:10:07Anyway, I was supposed to go back to Chicago after graduating and take up the family business
00:10:12But then Dad was arrested and everything got complicated
00:10:19I hope your father's trial goes well
00:10:21Speaking of which, is there any way I can help speed up the process?
00:10:25Don't worry. In Chicago, my father is king. There are many who will ensure his reign remains undisturbed
00:10:33Hey Carrie, let me give you a little business advice
00:10:37If you want to win a chess match, sometimes you gotta sacrifice the king
00:10:42That's the exact opposite of how chess works, Michael
00:10:46Don't worry. If we get that rat Martinelli out of the picture fast enough,
00:10:50he'll be at the casino's inauguration drinking margaritas by the VIP swimming pool
00:10:55And believe me, he wants to meet you too
00:10:58I think you'll get on like a house on fire
00:11:01I will look forward to it then
00:11:03That will be all, Miss Jones
00:11:05If anything else pops up, you know where to find me
00:11:09If this is actually anything like ketchup, I will eat my hat
00:11:14Hey! No outside food!
00:11:22Missing. Paul Bellotto. Last seen traveling east towards Florida for work with Rhino Co
00:11:31The odds of me touching that are about the same as Michael's chances of cooking a half-decent meal
00:11:38I am so glad they stopped the beer chess contests. Far too many people were getting injured
00:11:44The odds of me touching that are about the same as Michael's chances of cooking a half-decent dish
00:11:52I am so glad they stopped the beer chess contests. Far too many people were getting injured
00:12:02Is this a list of dishes?
00:12:05Is this a list of dishes? Or a confession of crimes against humanity?
00:12:10Shut it!
00:12:11Manners, Michael. It would save you a casino's worth of trouble
00:12:16Is this a list of dishes? Or a confession of crimes against humanity?
00:12:20Shut it!
00:12:21Manners, Michael. It would save you a casino's worth of trouble
00:12:26Is this a li-
00:12:27Shut it!
00:12:31Michael
00:12:34Eliza
00:12:37Michael can you tell me why my offspring is not here working?
00:12:41Shouldn't you be asking her that you know, maybe act like a parent for a change
00:12:46What would you know about parenting you big oaf?
00:12:49The only thing you have ever given birth to is a new strain of flesh-eating bacteria
00:12:58Don't strangle the mayor Mike it's bad for business
00:13:02Anyway, do you realize that if I cannot find her her mischief will continue unimpeded? I don't see how that's my problem
00:13:11Damn it. Michael. Must I remind you of the sunburned iguana incident?
00:13:18Yeah mistakes were made but in her defense who would have guessed iguanas exploded like that when exposed to radiation
00:13:26Anyone with a spark of common sense
00:13:29You should know better by now Michael somehow everything she touches eventually explodes
00:13:34Made for an awesome dish though my point. I have no idea where Betty is
00:13:41It does not matter. She will have to return home at some point
00:13:46How is it possible that the last three mayors tried to close this place down yet all have failed
00:13:52Silly Eliza this diner has been here longer than the town itself
00:13:57My ancestor Miguel coming on day founded La Taberna de Miguel over 500 years ago on this very spot
00:14:04And ever since then there's been a bear trying to take it down and failing
00:14:09I will find a way to destroy it Michael and you know, I always get my way
00:14:16And I say bring it on
00:14:19There must be a way
00:14:21Mark my words. I will find it not today Barrett
00:14:26You can flatten the diner, but my family owns this land
00:14:31And there's nothing you could do to take it away from us
00:14:34Heritable property rights you old boot. How do you even know what half those words mean?
00:14:40These magic words were written in my dad's recipe book scribbled under the spicy rat loaf recipe
00:14:46I've remembered them my whole life in case a bear it came to take my land
00:14:53Really
00:14:54Really? I shall tell you everything you need to know about this stink-filled culinary dungeon
00:15:00It is a diner and it exists. Although hopefully not for much longer
00:15:08Michael I've read a few files containing records about this establishment
00:15:12And let me just say every single word was a nightmare Poe would be jealous
00:15:18Hey, thanks
00:15:20That was not a compliment
00:15:23Regardless, I find myself with some outstanding questions. Do your worst. I got nothing to hide from you
00:15:29Well, nothing besides what I'm already hiding from you
00:15:34How did your family come to open a restaurant here my ancestor Miguel was sentenced to death by Hernan Cortez
00:15:41Why would someone like Cortez bother with a walker?
00:15:44Well, Miguel was in charge of feeding the crew
00:15:47But after misplacing some ingredients they accused him of witchcraft and attempted murder
00:15:52He managed to escape with his pockets full of Aztec gold, which he used to build his tavern
00:15:58He had one dream to become the greatest ship in the world
00:16:03my condolences
00:16:07Was that Aztec gold cursed
00:16:11Never would have expected you to believe in that kind of thing. I have some
00:16:16Experience with curses. Is that why you're such a terrible mayor?
00:16:20I just told you I have experience with curses. Are you sure you want to speak to me like that?
00:16:29So this place was financed by stolen gold and built on top of a cursed graveyard your point being
00:16:36My point being this dump is double cursed which actually explains a lot if you think about it
00:16:43But Eliza two negatives make a positive so my diners not double cursed. It's super blessed
00:16:51That's just basic math. You are gravely underestimating the forces you are dealing with here Michael
00:16:57You're crazy mumbo-jumbo doesn't scare me Eliza. This place is as clean as it can be
00:17:04Of curses at least
00:17:08Who will inherit the Walker legacy after you are finally dead after you you have no wife no children
00:17:16No one who loves you at all. What's there to think about? The answer is pretty obvious
00:17:23Betty of course, she's perfect. She loves the job. She already knows half of my secret recipes
00:17:30Michael would you excuse me for a moment?
00:17:56Pardon me, where were we? Ah, yes
00:18:01Where do you get your ingredients from I do not think anyone has ever seen you at the market or any store actually
00:18:09If you think I'm gonna tell you where I get my stuff so you can cut off my supply line
00:18:14Think again and here I thought your main source was the roadkill lying in front of your diner
00:18:20Jokes on you. It's not just the roadkill. I get most of my stuff when the dumpsters around town
00:18:30God damn it. You know what? I have heard enough from you on this topic. I was just thinking the same thing. I
00:18:41Think it's time we discussed the repercussions of your diner
00:18:45repercussions
00:18:47People love my diner. Hell, I even got a wing at the hospital named after me. You should not be proud of that
00:18:54Oh, no, then. Why do they send me a gift basket every Christmas?
00:19:00Because your food keeps flooding the place with victims. In fact, you are the only reason we have a hospital in the first place. Oh
00:19:07So you're saying my diner creates jobs? Wasn't that one of your campaign promises last time? You're welcome
00:19:18Well, Michael the elections are closing in will you vote for me this time?
00:19:23Nope don't think so. Not likely not happening. Very well, Michael. Absolutely not not in a million years
00:19:29No way Jose. I get it
00:19:31Are you when pigs fly when hell freezes over and last but not least over my dead body?
00:19:38You know, I can't arrange that last one. Let's see if you're still this cocky when you get destroyed in the election
00:19:45You will eat those words
00:19:47I've eaten worse. I have wasted enough time on you feelings mutual. Now get the hell out of my face
00:19:57As
00:19:58Tempted as I am to erase that stain on my reputation
00:20:02I will not be the one to crush her sense of self-worth. I will leave that to the demolition team
00:20:12Do you have any idea what kind of diseases have been left festering in that kitchen?
00:20:16Well, that's an idea deceased meatloaf. Thanks Eliza dear Washington. What have I wrought? Oh
00:20:30Miss mayor, good morning. Good morning. Mr. Slim. I must ask
00:20:35Why are you spending this wonderful summer day at Michael's? Oh, I'd rather be anywhere else, but this stinky old
00:20:47Good I mean there's no better place to be than this delightful
00:20:52place
00:20:53So what can we do for you?
00:20:58So, mr. Slim, who are you going to vote for in this upcoming election?
00:21:03You seem like a solid choice, I guess
00:21:06Just like that. No questions. No wild requests
00:21:10I try not to overthink politics and I'm sure you'll do a good job
00:21:16Right, of course
00:21:19Easiest vote of my life
00:21:25Now that you have graduated from high school, what are your plans my dream is to move to Indiana and win the Indy 500
00:21:33Just like George Robson. Yep. We're leaving this crummy town and never looking back
00:21:39But not until Betty graduates. We won't leave without her
00:21:45What until Betty graduates, but baby that'll take forever maybe the rest of our lives
00:21:55To go back to your question miss mayor, I'll be working in Linda's garage at first
00:22:03For a while
00:22:06Until Betty graduates
00:22:08So
00:22:12Mr. Slim, what do you think of that young lady over there? Oh
00:22:19You mean Carrie Ann she's super nice and really smart pretty too with it ice forward Johnny
00:22:26But babe, I didn't move a muscle
00:22:29Good then keep it that way
00:22:39Where might I find my offspring offspring? Oh, yeah, Betty. She's probably out in
00:22:49Betty what's a Betty?
00:22:52Thank you for the chat I had best go about my business see you around miss mayor
00:22:58Hello, what do you want now now Linda dear? Why do I need a reason to chat with my offsprings friend?
00:23:06That's a good question. Miss Barrett. Let me ask you one right back
00:23:10Did you know you only call me Linda when you want something?
00:23:17Miss Valentine it has been brought to my attention that you still haven't signed your new rental agreement
00:23:23Wow, that's great. I'm so glad to hear that
00:23:27Wow, I never thought I'd see the day that power mad Eliza Barrett would be working as someone's lackey
00:23:35Eliza Barrett is no one's lackey, but that is beside the point
00:23:39What matters is that you must sign? Oh, I must must I what the hell for?
00:23:45You
00:23:54Know how my offspring just loves getting you in trouble
00:23:57Yeah, your point being
00:24:00Well, are you also aware that she can forge your signature?
00:24:04Yeah, I know about that. So what?
00:24:07Imagine what could happen if I left this rental agreement lying around the house and suddenly it was signed by a miss Linda Valentine
00:24:15She'd never do something like that. Are you sure I can be quite persuasive
00:24:21Especially where my offspring is concerned. Who do you think you're fooling fool? We both know Betty wouldn't betray me like that
00:24:29Especially not for you. If you say so, I suppose we will find out who is correct soon enough
00:24:37I'm afraid that door is now closed. I suggest we find a different approach
00:24:45Your
00:24:48Partner fails to see the benefits of signing this rental agreement
00:24:52Perhaps you could help me convince her. Otherwise
00:24:55Sure, but let me check it over first. You can never be too careful with these
00:25:03Okay, let's see, okay pretty standard
00:25:07Mm-hmm. Wait
00:25:09agreeing to
00:25:11Forfeits her own rights of the hell wrote this babe, babe
00:25:15You shouldn't be signing this you shouldn't be signing this at all
00:25:20What are you talking about fool?
00:25:28Mr. Slim is just trying to prevent you from signing this awful contract and I fully agree with him
00:25:34Wait a minute since when do you two agree on anything?
00:25:39Something shady is going on here. Give me that slim
00:25:46Oh
00:25:51Well, all's well that ends well for me that is
00:26:04Can't decide if I'm gonna get the possum Parmesan or the iguana a Rochefort
00:26:10What difference does it make they taste exactly the same?
00:26:15If this is actually anything like ketchup, I will eat my hat
00:26:19Hey, no outside food
00:26:30And one and two
00:26:33One things for sure
00:26:35My glutes are getting a workout. I'll get my broomstick. See if you're so rebellious then
00:26:42Come on just stick already
00:26:45We cannot use the book for this would not want to repeat of the broom incident
00:26:50But when she needs help, she just reaches for it and boom problem solved
00:26:59And
00:27:01done
00:27:02It's perfect. There's no way she's gonna complain about this one. How is it going Joseph? Oh
00:27:09Hey there, Eliza
00:27:11Now my bad hands a little stiff today, but other than that, I'm peachy
00:27:20Election day is nigh Joseph. Do you have everything under control?
00:27:25We do not want to repeat last year's incident when the dead had risen and voted for the opposition
00:27:30I flipped the coffins upside down this year
00:27:34Trust me by the time they realize something's wrong. They will be halfway to
00:27:39Australia
00:27:40Excellent. Oh, yeah, there's one more thing
00:27:45Remember the restaurant that shall not be named
00:27:49No one in their right mind would call it a restaurant. But yes, I am familiar
00:27:54Sadly, what about it? Mike has promised one free hamburger to anyone who votes against you
00:28:03My god Joseph, do you know what this means?
00:28:07Congratulations on your reelection miss mayor
00:28:14What will you do after you retire I cannot imagine you sitting idle in a rocking chair
00:28:20Actually, I was thinking about introducing myself to the new mayor of Corona
00:28:25Joseph so that I can sabotage them from inside
00:28:31Your dedication is admirable your propensity towards crime is not
00:28:36That said I do appreciate the sentiment always a pleasure talking with you Joseph
00:28:42Eliza before you go
00:28:44Joseph I swear if this is about your armpit abscess again
00:28:49No, I was
00:28:52Thinking back on my life or reflecting on a few things
00:28:56Well, I do enjoy reminiscing with you. Maybe we could start from the beginning
00:29:01You know when we first met that is if you're not in a hurry
00:29:06Certainly if it is for my favorite intern, I do have a few minutes to spare
00:29:11You know, this must be the longest internship in human history
00:29:17The longest unpaid internship perhaps. What was that?
00:29:21Do not change the subject or we might forget what happened the day. We met. How could I possibly forget that?
00:29:29I'm sorry, I'm sorry
00:29:31We might forget what happened the day we met how could I possibly forget
00:29:36That was the first and only shot I ever missed
00:29:41You always did have an ugly habit of shooting first and asking questions later
00:29:46And in my defense when a strange woman pops out of your floor in a cloud of smoke. Yeah tend to react with surprise
00:29:53And I still don't know how you dodged that bullet
00:29:56Or was it the bullet that dodged you huh come to think of it
00:30:02I can't believe that after all these years. I still don't know why you even showed up in my cabin that day
00:30:10That is true. I never told you
00:30:12You
00:30:25Well, I suppose it is past time I told you the story
00:30:29Consider this your retirement gifts. Wait a sec. I don't want it all began long ago on a remote Hawaiian Island
00:30:37I
00:30:40Max and I were on top of a volcano when we met father Jenkins. He was blindfolded gagged and trussed up like a Christmas goose
00:30:48Apparently the old fellow had made some inappropriate advances towards the chieftain's daughter
00:30:54Naturally the chief thought this made him the perfect candidate for a human sacrifice
00:30:59Luckily for Jenkins I had taken a course in public speaking and drama that summer
00:31:04Between my booming voice and a few fortuitous rumbles from the volcano I
00:31:09Convinced them I was an incarnation of one of their gods
00:31:12And they bought that it was a long shot even I have to admit that
00:31:17but as I was speaking something strange happened the lava slowly rose from the volcano as if by magic and
00:31:26Flowed around me bathing me in its fiery glow
00:31:30But I felt no heat no burning I wore the lava like a cape as I delivered my speech
00:31:36When are we gonna get to the part about my cabin? Do not rush me
00:31:40I am getting there while the crowd was distracted max untied Jenkins
00:31:45Everything was going smoothly until Jenkins ruined it. Oh
00:31:50So you heathens won't believe a word I say but this witch sets off some fireworks and you're all over her
00:31:56Well, I hope you enjoy swallowing that's right because it's the only thing you're gonna eat tonight
00:32:02After that the mesmerizing effects of my speech vanished and we had no choice, but to run
00:32:08During our escape. I heard a strange little voice
00:32:10I thought it was that fool priest praying but then I saw the book
00:32:16It was shining like the Sun as I slowly approached it seemed to call to me
00:32:23I've never felt so
00:32:25Complete so satisfied. I knew that such a powerful artifact could not fall into the wrong hands
00:32:31So I took it after that max father Jenkins and I made our way through the jungle
00:32:37Down to the docks without seeing another soul
00:32:40Once I was back on the mainland, I found the perfect hiding place for the book the deepest darkest cavern anyone could ever find
00:32:48Unfortunately, my plan was not as solid as I had thought as the bear living in that cave soon showed me oh
00:32:56The beast was upon me in mere seconds. I could feel his hot breath on my face and his paws on the book
00:33:03All I could do was scream don't touch and then we were suddenly enveloped in a flash of light
00:33:09Boy, you don't mean I do indeed
00:33:13That was the day I met our town's greatest hero. I could never convince him that don't touch was an odd name
00:33:21Apparently he just really liked it
00:33:23You're telling me that you're the reason don't touch was so special
00:33:28I assume so I asked don't touch to help me protect the town by hiding the book in his cave and he agreed
00:33:35We started digging but I suppose he had loosened too many rocks already
00:33:40Because we suddenly collapsed into your cellar I opened the hatch thinking the place was abandoned and that is where we met
00:33:49Hey since you still have the book
00:33:53Would you mind lending it to me? You know just for a couple hours
00:33:58Absolutely, not. Do I need to remind you what happened last time?
00:34:09You
00:34:18Do you not have any more tasks today, I don't know do you
00:34:28Enough about me. Let us talk about your past
00:34:32Start by telling me why you were in an abandoned cabin in the middle of the woods
00:34:36Well, that ain't much of a mystery it was my grandparents cabin now after losing my hand in a terrible accident
00:34:44I just couldn't keep working the family business. I
00:34:48Fell into a deep depression that drove me to abandon my family and go back to the cabin where I grew up
00:34:55You do realize that now I have a plethora of new questions
00:35:00such as
00:35:02You
00:35:04Mentioned your family business. What was it exactly Oh
00:35:09General maintenance fixing leaky pipes touching up peeled paint that kind of stuff
00:35:14Well, I suppose you have carried on that tradition in a way. Yeah
00:35:19Not much difference. I do miss the pest control gig I had on the side though
00:35:25I faced off against the worst creatures Hell's mall could spit out and
00:35:30I'd beat them all
00:35:33Those were the days now
00:35:36Now all I fight are dirty floors. Oh
00:35:39Stop complaining a well-executed fine can be just as satisfying as capital punishment
00:35:46Okay, so maybe it's not so bad
00:35:48About your accident the one where you lost your hand
00:35:51Just thinking about that day makes my stump ache if you do not want to talk about it
00:35:57I understand many years ago. I was called in to clean up a plague that was
00:36:03terrorizing a whole town in hindsight
00:36:07Going in alone was a huge mistake
00:36:10I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry
00:36:14In hindsight
00:36:16Going in alone was a huge mistake
00:36:19At one point I needed new tools and it was then that evil incarnate showed up
00:36:27the door-to-door salesperson the worst one you'll ever meet a
00:36:32Smile like a shark cheap cologne and an even cheaper suit
00:36:36I don't know how he managed it, but he convinced me to buy something
00:36:42Damn what could he have tempted you with?
00:36:48This right here is the solution to all your problems past present and future a
00:36:55one and a half yard single shaft Remington
00:36:59Lhardy's top-of-the-line
00:37:01You can find this in the cleaning goods department. That's right. This sweet baby was made in Grand Rapids, Michigan
00:37:10Retails for about $9.99
00:37:13It's got a cherry wood handle a cobalt blue steel cap and a demon hair brush
00:37:19That's right. Don't shop easy shop L Hardy
00:37:26He then insisted on a
00:37:29Demonstration that ended with my hand being blown to smithereens and that wasn't even the worst part
00:37:37What could be worse than losing your hand
00:37:40Let's just say the plague I was there for might have been a half-cocked salesman shilling crappy products
00:37:48Yeah, that mess cost me my hand my reputation and my exterminating license
00:37:58What was that about a family what are you
00:38:03Joseph oh crap
00:38:06I have a wife and daughter. I was so relieved to get this job. I
00:38:11Completely forgot about them. Come now Joseph. I do not keep you that busy
00:38:17You must have taken a day off at some point
00:38:20What's a day off? I stand corrected
00:38:37You
00:38:40What exactly happened in that cabin before I arrived I ask you because I distinctly remember several red splotches on the floor
00:38:49Also, I am certain one of the walls had a mouth or what was left of one
00:38:54Yeah, turns out that some real nasties have been squatting in the old place after I left
00:38:59Had to take care of them, you know, and did you mistake me for one of those nasties of yours?
00:39:05You came out of my cellar in a cloud of dust and smoke, what was I supposed to think I
00:39:11I
00:39:32Want to reminisce about the times you use the Necronomicon, come on, it was never that exciting
00:39:42I
00:39:43Monday the 5th of January
00:39:451920 I had a sore throat which you decided to help me recover from by using a spell
00:39:53Can't blame me for thinking about your well-being
00:39:56That spell had me speaking Sumerian for a week
00:40:00Now on the bright side the press loved the unbridled fervor of the new candidates first speech
00:40:07And do you remember what happened to make it so memorable
00:40:10No, not at all. You did the only thing I asked you specifically not to do with that book
00:40:16Do you remember what that was?
00:40:18You said not to use it to raise the dead and what did you do?
00:40:25Raise the dead exactly necromancy is never necromancy is rarely the answer Joseph
00:40:36I
00:40:44Was invited to a Christmas party in Los Angeles you used the book to try to get us there faster
00:40:50Instead we ended up spending that time somewhere entirely different
00:40:54They're not that different to be honest, and it wasn't that bad
00:40:59exotic sights warm weather
00:41:02Granted the smell of sulfur and all the streaming weren't ideal
00:41:07Sides you got no right to complain about that trip
00:41:10Not after you got into that little
00:41:13entanglement
00:41:14Whatever went on between Lucy and I is none of your business
00:41:19But I will admit it was a very amusing month
00:41:23So why are you bellyaching about it now?
00:41:27Because he does not know when to quit
00:41:29Every birthday my house is filled with black roses and the stink of brimstone
00:41:33And he's constantly peppering me with letters about how I banished him to the friend circle and don't forget about those weird tools
00:41:42Weird tools do you mean the torture equipment? Oh?
00:41:47So that's what those are
00:41:50Wait, and why do you keep some in the room where you have your meetings with Lincoln?
00:41:55Joseph shut it up now
00:42:00Saturday the 19th of March
00:42:021927 you summoned a hundred demonic freaky apes from outside all known reality, and they trashed my office
00:42:10They were teenage mutant extra-dimensional monkeys
00:42:14Fine, but I'm not apologizing
00:42:16We needed someone to write your autobiography, and they did it for free
00:42:21Hell the damn thing was finished before the day was over
00:42:25Yes, I suppose we did get some use out of them never underestimate the power of a hundred monkeys once they get their hands on
00:42:32A typewriter I thought it was commendable of them to correct your spelling
00:42:37Disappointing and embarrassing for you of course, but still impressive. I wonder what happened to them
00:42:43Judging from Michael's free monkey bread with every purchase sign the next day. I think I know
00:42:55You
00:43:10Thursday the 13th of August
00:43:121942 I think you know where I am going with this
00:43:16Hey, you wanted votes you got votes
00:43:20Twice as many votes as even you expected you almost cost me that election Joseph come on
00:43:26It was a solid plan. I mean it was a solid plan until until one of the volunteers noticed
00:43:33How many times Joseph Buckingham went in and out of the polling booth?
00:43:37I had to give her part of Betty's college fund to keep her quiet
00:43:41Now you were saving that money for no reason and you know it
00:43:45I get why you were mad, but I suffered a hell of a lot more than you did
00:43:49Do you know how much it hurts to have a hundred clones split off from you?
00:43:53I had to clean up your mess and that is not how this relationship works
00:43:58You had to clean up
00:44:00Eliza I had to kill and execute a hundred Bucky's. I'm not even sure I'm the original
00:44:07Sometimes it keeps me up at night
00:44:20Sunday the 9th of February
00:44:231936 you kept insisting you had found the perfect spell to curse Michael's diner, and it still stands
00:44:30The other failures I can forgive but this one my biggest disappointment yet
00:44:35I don't understand. I swear the spell was correct that time
00:44:41The only way it wouldn't have worked wait is there any chance that diner was already cursed
00:44:48Wait wait no if it was already cursed, and then I cursed it again. It should have been double cursed
00:44:55Oh, or do they cancel each other out or maybe what I actually did was bless the place
00:45:03See because if you think about it
00:45:05I kind of took two negatives and spare me your attempts at logic Joseph
00:45:09I do not have all week that is enough personal history for one day
00:45:15But if you do require tales of your past failures, I have plenty to share
00:45:20Yeah, I'll let you know when I want that need anything else. I have other matters to attend to when the cats away
00:45:28Do not even think about it
00:45:36No, thanks, I like my backside as it is bullet free
00:45:44You
00:46:04If you change something in the past it can also change the future
00:46:10That is called a temporal paradox
00:46:14My offspring will not be able to use the Necronomicon if you pick that up now
00:46:19Creating a paradox that will probably kill everyone in town and definitely screw up the ending
00:46:25understood
00:46:27excellent
00:46:29Hmm
00:46:42Hmm weird usually Benjamin comes down faster than lightning when you manipulate this thing
00:46:51That is a shaky decision at best and a potentially life-threatening choice at worst
00:46:59I
00:47:05Already got close enough when I cut the ribbon and I plan to keep it that way I
00:47:15Would rather swim naked in a pool of rusty razors than pay Corona visit am I clear
00:47:30Hmm
00:47:38Hmm Sam is not here. Oh, right this morning. He was attending that towel origami masterclass from drab to fab
00:48:00I
00:48:13Walking through a wall. Are you confusing me with Houdini perhaps? I
00:48:19I
00:48:26Am NOT the sort of person to window shop least of all for some silly Halloween costumes
00:48:37Thank you, but I already have enough tape for anything I might need to record
00:48:48Touch it and they will be calling you lefty
00:49:19I
00:49:32Trust you know what to do when the time comes
00:49:34Look Mako. She succeeded where you failed. Maybe you could learn something from her. I
00:49:41Would have gotten it done too if you let me do it my way
00:49:45Still thank you. Ms. Barrett indeed may this be a mutually beneficial partnership
00:49:52I think you will find that all of Rhino co supports your reelection syndicate before you go syndicate
00:49:59There's something we wish to discuss about Delgado mine
00:50:03We would like to resume mining operations as soon as possible. You are aware that the mind went bust years ago, right?
00:50:12Unless you found something in that mine something very old prehistoric you might say
00:50:18Let us keep this information between the three of us syndicate. We have already found a buyer for the fossil
00:50:25My lips are sealed. Mr. Cooper. In fact, I would be more than happy to expedite any legal paperwork for you
00:50:33Provided I win the election, of course on that note. I must return to my campaign duties. Please. Excuse me
00:50:41I
00:50:48Truly that is a woman worthy of respect
00:50:51Perhaps we could assist her Marco. I need a list of people in town who have recently passed on
00:50:58It's time they perform their civic duty. I'll dig up everything I can tonight and have a list on your desk tomorrow morning boss
00:51:07It seems that was everything on the agenda for today and with time to spare
00:51:21Ah that felt good. What is next on the docket?
00:51:27Petition to open mayor Barrett's private swimming pool to all residents
00:51:31Who would ever have the gall to sign their name to such a bow everyone in town signed it
00:51:37Everyone except me that is
00:51:40rejected
00:51:45Proposal expand Mike's diner to chain three new locations by next year
00:51:57Petition from the Vatican
00:52:01Eliza Barrett is engaging in immoral behavior in front of her dependent child
00:52:07The church frowns on displays of affection such as smooching gross pet names and having your weird
00:52:15boyfriend stay over
00:52:16We insist Eliza Barrett join a nunnery immediately to save her soul from eternal damnation Oh
00:52:23offspring
00:52:26Well
00:52:29That is odd by Lafayette's forgotten legacy in my enthusiasm I seem to have worn my stamp flat
00:52:39Well, I suppose I shall have to reject this last cockamady proposal later
00:52:43Oh, I had nearly forgotten to talk to mr. Huckleberry about the musicians vote. Let us see where he is playing tonight
00:52:56I
00:53:09Maybe if I put it in terms of a presidential race
00:53:12Eliza Barrett, will you be my running mate until the end of time?
00:53:19Lincoln you are about as romantic as a dirty shoelace
00:53:23Maybe I'm overthinking this
00:53:25overthinking what exactly
00:53:27Eliza
00:53:29What are you doing here? I live here. Remember. Are you feeling? All right. No, I mean, yes
00:53:38I
00:53:39Gotta see this through
00:53:41See what through?
00:53:42Eliza Barrett, will you please be my co-pilot for as long as we Lincoln we have been over this
00:53:48I am NOT changing careers
00:53:51Um, not what I meant
00:53:54I
00:53:55Want to walk you down the Lincoln it is far too late for walks and I am tired
00:54:01Okay, fine. I get it
00:54:03Look, I literally got a jet Lapidus made the mistake of eating lunch at Mike's
00:54:08again
00:54:10So now we're down a pilot wait, I thought you were staying the night
00:54:14Don't worry. I'll be back in the morning before you even wake up. I really do not like the idea of you flying at night
00:54:21Relax, honey. It's a routine flight done it a million times
00:54:26What could possibly go wrong?
00:54:29Have a safe trip, okay, I will I promise
00:54:41Eliza Barrett you say corruption like it's a bad thing. There is no rest for the wicked
00:54:51I
00:54:54Still have things to do before going home
00:55:14That is a one-way ticket to the hospital
00:55:20You
00:55:23You
00:55:45Well, well well if it isn't mayor Barry you must be happy now, aren't you I am
00:55:52But I do not understand your little comment Amos took my baby girl. I was not aware. You were a parent
00:55:59Congratulations on the blessed event. What no
00:56:03My guitar my precious Gibson electric blue and don't act innocent. This has your claw marks all over it
00:56:10I had nothing to do with that
00:56:13Perhaps if you emitted fewer mysophonic screeches first you close kgfl
00:56:18Now the sheriff illegally seizes my property making it impossible for me to work
00:56:23Yes, mr. Huckleberry, but look at the bright side
00:56:27You have so much time now to find a quieter more productive hobby. I'll never give up on my dreams
00:56:33I'm gonna revolutionize music one day. You'll see you'll all see
00:56:39Mm-hmm. Well while we are waiting for this musical revolution, may I have a word?
00:56:44I
00:56:48Can't count on your vote, right?
00:56:50Well, I would why do I feel like there is a but coming but you've broken a lot of campaign promises
00:56:58Mr. Huckleberry, I can assure you there is absolutely no connection between the promises
00:57:03I have made and their alleged failure to uphold themselves
00:57:08Do you even feel bad at all for the people who lost their jobs after you shut down kgfl?
00:57:13Ultimately the failure of the kgfl was a direct result of poor administration
00:57:18Townhall cannot be faulted for allocating its budget to higher priority projects
00:57:23Yeah, yeah, tell that to my buddies Walter and Frankie. They had to seek work in Corona. Miss mayor
00:57:29Corona, oh dear those poor poor people
00:57:34May Washington himself have mercy upon their souls. So in good conscience. I can't vote for you. Hope you understand
00:57:43Well
00:57:45unless
00:57:46Unless what?
00:57:48Unless you help me record my first out if you do that, you'll get my vote deal. I
00:57:56Have no choice but to accept
00:58:00How exactly are we going to record your album we just need to follow my four steps to rockin glory guide
00:58:07Oh, please do enlighten me. It's easy first
00:58:12We need to get my guitar back second. We need to find some kind of recording device. This seems reasonable so far
00:58:20Okay, the third step is to get a tape to put in the recording device
00:58:23So don't forget that the final and most important step is to mail that baby to my record company
00:58:30This seems straightforward enough. I may require further details later on however
00:58:35Without
00:58:39Your guitar you have no reason to be hanging around here anymore
00:58:43Go home or get a job or something. I'm on a hunger strike
00:58:48I'm not moving until I get my baby back
00:58:51Well, congratulations on your new lifestyle
00:58:56Regardless, if you are still here by 6 a.m. You will receive a parking violation. I don't give a damn
00:59:02I'm not moving until justice is served. We'll see about that when miss Valentine brings her tow truck
00:59:12Why do you not simple monster demon devil how dare you suggest I abandoned my baby
00:59:19What would you do if someone took the most important thing in your life away, huh? Oh, please
00:59:24No one could ever take my career for me. Um, that's not what I meant. Jeez poor Betty
00:59:32Oh
00:59:34Why is that instrument so special to you since the day my pal Harry Ross brought her to me
00:59:41She's been my baby girl, but it is just a guitar
00:59:45Just a guitar. No, she means everything to me. She's my world my life my soul
00:59:53Do you not think it is time to live a more conventional life a real job a house?
00:59:58Maybe even a partner and child. Oh, yeah
01:00:02And how did that turn out for you?
01:00:09Touche mr. Huckleberry touche I
01:00:14Will be on my way now. Hey, miss mayor one question. Why do you hate music so much?
01:00:21My
01:00:27Auditory nerves are two sizes too small making it impossible for me to enjoy music
01:00:32That's it. You're like the Grinch of music if you can't enjoy it
01:00:37You'll make it so no one else can but has it always been this way?
01:00:41No, I contracted this condition right after my offspring's birth
01:00:51I've been messing with mom since my very first breath that reminds me. I still have not punished you for that. Have I?
01:00:59Yeah, can't ground me if you can't find me