Remington Steele S02E15
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00:01No matter what help you get, no matter where you go,
00:05by 12 noon, you'll both be dead.
00:15Are we walking into a trap?
00:18Do we really have a choice?
00:24It's mine!
00:26He's been spying on us.
00:28That bloody bug has been following us all this time.
00:31Can't follow!
00:36Give me her!
00:37Feel the fear. It'll be the last thing you feel.
00:45Regrets, Mr. Steele?
00:48Only that sometimes I didn't live up to the Remington Steele that you had in mind.
00:53I won't hold it against you.
00:55Fire at will!
01:25Fire at will!
02:25Fire at will!
02:43Fire at will!
02:55Fire at will!
03:25Fire at will!
03:55Fire at will!
04:12Mr. Steele? Miss Holt?
04:19I always go wrong, Laura. I'm sure of it.
04:21Steady, Mr. Steele.
04:22It's going to happen.
04:25It's going to happen.
04:33I'm going to stir it, Mildred.
04:35Is that safe, boss?
04:41All right, Miss Holt.
05:11Lest we forget to garnish.
05:15Mm.
05:20You going to drink it or just admire it?
05:23Five years, Miss Holt.
05:25Five years since Sue Akers, an American expatriate and a rather well-known soldier of fortune,
05:30mixed me a tropical itch at her bar in Mykonos.
05:34For five years, I've been trying to ferret out the recipe.
05:38Why don't you just call her and ask her?
05:40Alas, poor Sue ran afoul of the Greek authorities.
05:44I'm afraid the itch recipe died with her.
05:48Bonsai, Mildred.
06:00Damn.
06:02Stirred in the shade too well, I'm afraid.
06:04Oh, well, back to the drawing board.
06:06Yes, Mildred.
06:07Oh, these questionnaires from the State Bureau of Investigative Services arrived in the mail.
06:11Now, they have to be filled out and returned postmarked today.
06:15Here they are.
06:17Now, our building postman will pick up his last mail at 12 o'clock.
06:21So please remember to fill them out and seal them.
06:24The envelopes are attached, and give them to him, okay?
06:27And I'll see you in a couple of hours.
06:29Well, it's a little early for lunch, isn't it, Mildred?
06:31Lunch, munch. I got a hot date.
06:34Oh.
06:35It's a guy I met at my bowling league.
06:37Hmm.
06:42Hmm.
07:06Mr. Steele.
07:08Miss Holmes.
07:10Perhaps you remember me.
07:12Major Descoin.
07:14I trust I haven't come at an inopportune time.
07:16Oh, by all means, Major, please do come in.
07:20Perhaps you'd like a drink, Major, while we're waiting for the police to arrive.
07:24Now, don't let's be inhospitable, Miss Holt.
07:27After all, I have come on my own free will.
07:32You're a very difficult man to track down, Major.
07:35You have given fits to Detective Jarvis and his men these last few months.
07:39So long as I haven't given you cause for consternation, Mr. Steele.
07:43Oh, none whatsoever.
07:44I can honestly say that since Miss Holt and I foiled your attempt to frame me for murder,
07:49I haven't given you a moment's thought.
07:52Well, I'm afraid I'm not here to reminisce.
07:54Indeed, I'm here to celebrate an anniversary.
07:59Today marks three years since the suicide of my darling Lily,
08:04for which you are to blame.
08:06All we did was investigate the embezzlement scheme which you and Lily Martins were involved in.
08:12And we're truly sorry that she chose to end her life instead of go to prison.
08:17I thank you for your pity.
08:19But as I said, I'm here for a celebration, so why not join in,
08:23seeing as how you have no choice?
08:26You're not a well man, Major.
08:29I really do believe that you need help.
08:32I'm not the one who's in need of help.
08:34For to commemorate Lily's death, I intend to bring about your own.
08:39And yours, too, Miss Holt.
08:41So no matter what help you get, no matter where you go,
08:45by 12 noon, you'll both be dead.
08:49That is my promise to you.
08:53Damn! Damn!
09:07Damn! Damn!
09:09I'm sick and tired of this.
09:12I'm sick and tired of this bugger coming after us when every bloody move feels like it.
09:16Then let's go after him while the trail is still fresh.
09:18And his threat to kill us by noon?
09:20is still fresh.
09:21And his threat to kill is by noon?
09:22Noon today, noon tomorrow.
09:23What's the difference?
09:24The only way to ensure our safety is by putting him away once and for all.
09:27Looks like he tore the maker's label off as well.
09:33There's a faint impression here.
09:42I'll wring his neck.
09:43That's what I'll do.
09:44I'll wring his neck.
09:49Hairdryer.
09:50Hairdryer.
09:51Hold on.
09:52Here we go.
09:53Right on there.
09:54Okay.
09:55Cigarette lighter?
09:56Oh.
09:57Yeah.
09:58Oh.
10:24The wonders of a university education, eh?
10:27Bell...
10:32Bell Oaks Country Club.
10:33Right across the street.
10:34Convenient, eh?
10:35If he bought this there, maybe they have a record of his purchase.
10:38Something that'll help us find him.
10:41I just hope he hasn't beaten us there already.
10:54Huh?
10:55He's already poisoned us and we're due to die within the next hour?
10:58No matter where we go or what we do, we can't escape his words.
11:01If I'm gonna die, at the very least, I want the pleasure of wrapping my hands around his
11:04throat and taking him with me.
11:05Come on.
11:06Damn the torpedoes.
11:07Excuse me.
11:08How do we get another one of these mufflers?
11:25You two members?
11:26Uh, we're guests of, uh, Mr. Hamilton's.
11:30I heard his membership lapsed.
11:31Uh, Mr. Jackson phoned ahead, uh, to say that we were on our way.
11:36The line was busy all day.
11:38Stood arm-in-arm with Grant at Appomattox.
11:41He taught me never to surrender without a fight.
11:44Don't worry.
11:45I'll show him a good time.
11:46Go around the side.
11:47There's a path to the clubhouse.
11:48You can't miss it.
11:51Awfully pretty out here.
11:52I'd appreciate it even more if we weren't in the process of chasing down a raving lunatic
11:56who's trying to destroy my life at the very moment I've finally started to make something
11:59of it.
12:00It's funny how we hold back our confessions until we think it's too late for them to do
12:03us any harm.
12:04Good information, Miss Holt.
12:05I was not making a confession.
12:06I was merely stating the facts.
12:07I'm sorry.
12:08I'm sorry.
12:09I'm sorry.
12:10I'm sorry.
12:11I'm sorry.
12:12I'm sorry.
12:13I'm sorry.
12:14I'm sorry.
12:15I'm sorry.
12:16I'm sorry.
12:17I'm sorry.
12:18I'm sorry.
12:19As I see it, that's all.
12:20It's a perpetual confession.
12:21I was merely stating a fact in which I thought you had some interest in.
12:22Well, if we ever get out of this, Mr. Steel, I wouldn't mind hearing some of those facts.
12:27I'll bear that in mind.
12:33Quarter after.
12:34Time flies when you're having fun.
12:38Get out.
12:41Hey!
12:43Happen to see my ball?
12:47Must be around here somewhere.
12:48Dangerous thing, this Gulf.
12:49Uh...
12:52Aah!
12:54Oh, shocking.
12:56Someone might have been killed.
12:59I must speak to the groundskeeper immediately.
13:02Well, that's funny. We're so worried about the Major,
13:05we almost stepped into a bear trap.
13:07Come on, let's go.
13:11Laura, doesn't it strike you as a little odd
13:13that the groundskeeper for a golf course in the heart of Los Angeles
13:16would be laying out bear traps?
13:18Not in the least.
13:19Many areas of the city are terrorized by large, predatory animals.
13:23Referring to singles bars?
13:25You know, if the Major really intends to kill us,
13:27he'll have to do a lot better than bear traps.
13:33I expected you to have something a bit more, uh, terminal in mind.
13:38Who ordered those headstones?
13:40You'll have to forgive me.
13:42My ears, you know, I don't hear so good anymore.
13:49Amazing how a little history lesson can cure the deaf.
13:52Hamilton and Jackson, two of our more renowned audiologists.
13:55Thank you very much.
13:58Much better.
14:00Now, who ordered these tombstones?
14:02Brown-haired guy.
14:04Uh, kind of, kind of stocky and mumbled a lot, too.
14:09But my battery was running down.
14:12If you hurry, you can catch him.
14:14Where?
14:15He came right through here, and, uh...
14:17I don't know where he went.
14:19I don't know where he went.
14:21I don't know where he went.
14:23I don't know where he went.
14:25Where?
14:26He came right through here and went up that way.
14:29All right, thank you.
14:33Just a moment. Hold it.
14:38Hey!
14:53This way.
14:58Oh! Oh, God!
15:01Oh!
15:07Hey.
15:17What's the matter with you two?
15:19Didn't you see the warning signs?
15:21What signs? There weren't any bloody signs.
15:24Like hell there weren't.
15:26A blast knocked that one over, but I know there's one right on top of the hill.
15:30Right where you two came over.
15:34I don't see it right now, but I know it was there.
15:37Uh, why are you dynamiting here?
15:40We're extending the golf course. Those are gonna be bunkers.
15:43Didn't another man pass through here just before we did?
15:46Just a scoin.
15:48Major Descoyne?
15:50Yeah, my new blast man. A real demolitions expert.
15:53Learned it in the service.
15:55Where is he?
15:57Right over there.
15:59Never can find him when I need him.
16:01He can't have gone far.
16:03I know. Come on.
16:15He's here.
16:17Somewhere. He's gotta be. Just a few seconds ahead of us.
16:22Ha!
16:24Size 9 sound about right?
16:27Hmm.
16:29Oh, my God.
16:39Look!
16:44At his hat!
16:46He must have swum through there.
16:48Uh, or a trick.
16:50Who knows how far that pipe goes underwater before we can get out?
16:54Only one way to find out, eh?
16:56Oh, my God.
16:58Oh.
17:00Neptune's daughter.
17:02Esther Williams, MGM, 1949.
17:07Oh, dear.
17:09Wait, wait.
17:13Oh.
17:27Oh, dear.
17:29Oh, dear.
17:31Oh, dear.
17:33Oh, dear.
17:35Oh, dear.
17:57Don't ever do anything like that to me again.
18:00Nothing the matter with a little swim to keep you fit?
18:03The next time you invent them, he can see you.
18:05Give him gills.
18:07What is this place, anyway?
18:09Come on.
18:11Oh, my God. My God. My God.
18:13You got it?
18:15Soggy?
18:17A bit damp.
18:19He can't be far ahead.
18:33Come on.
18:41Okay.
18:50Are we walking into a trap?
18:53Do we really have a choice?
19:03Fuck.
19:33Come on.
20:03Come on.
20:34You better see this.
20:36Look at this.
20:39And this. Here.
20:41What do you got?
20:43Only these.
20:48He's been spying on us.
20:50That bloody bugger's been following us all this time.
20:53Gives me the creeps.
20:55Oh, cream, did you say?
20:57It's right here.
21:00Let's get it while it's hot, shall we?
21:02Oh, I'm so sorry.
21:04I feel I know you so well already.
21:06I'm the major's daughter.
21:09We weren't aware the major had any children.
21:12Just me.
21:14How much do you know about your father?
21:16I know that he's wanted.
21:18I know that he's a genius.
21:20And I know that he's a good man underneath it all.
21:22I know that.
21:24I know that.
21:26I know that he's a genius.
21:28And I know that he's a good man underneath it all.
21:32Then help us find him before he gets into more trouble.
21:35Oh, you don't have to worry about my father, Miss Holt.
21:38Once he kills the two of you, he's through being a criminal.
21:40He promised.
21:42Oh, hardly in keeping with the light-hearted spirit of the movie, is it?
21:45The movie?
21:47The Major and the Minor. Ray Milan, Ginger Rogers, Paramount, 1942.
21:50Mr. Steele has a great fondness for equating motion pictures with real life.
21:54Oh, I like the movies.
21:57But, Mr. Steele, surely we can think of a better way for you to fill your final minutes
22:01than trading motion picture annotations.
22:03Here, have some tea.
22:05I should have thought poisoned tea beneath the Major's dignity.
22:09He told me you'd be suspicious.
22:12But I assure you, it's perfectly fit for human consumption.
22:15Just the same, we're not particularly thirsty right now.
22:18And it's also quite possible that you've been ingesting small doses
22:21of whatever that poison is over some period of time,
22:24so that by now you're immune to whatever would kill us.
22:27How very droll of you, Mr. Steele.
22:29That does sound like something out of the movies.
22:32Frankly, if you don't mind my saying so,
22:34I can't imagine how you managed to defeat Dad not once, but twice.
22:38You must be very lucky.
22:40Luck being the only thing your father can't plan around.
22:42In the long run, it's better to be good than lucky.
22:45Oh, lemon, that's what I forgot.
22:49Is there anything I can get you that you would deign to have?
22:52No, thank you.
22:57Let's grab her.
22:59He won't hit us if he thinks his daughter is in danger.
23:02I'm so glad we had this chance to be together.
23:05Oh, God!
23:17Oh, damn!
23:26Oh, good Lord!
23:35Shut the door!
23:37The windows!
23:43Hold on, hold on, hold on.
23:47Cushions, cushions!
23:50Come on, kitchen.
23:56No shoes. Come here.
23:58Two are better than one there, okay?
24:02Ah!
24:04Give me your foot!
24:08Let me, hold on to me.
24:13It's all right, it's all right.
24:17Minus wouldn't have gone out that way.
24:22Lovely trick.
24:24My father, like God.
24:27We either burn to death
24:30or we jump three floors.
24:32I've got an idea. Come on.
24:34Come with me. Get the mattress.
24:36All right.
24:38Let's go, let's go.
24:41It's getting hot.
24:43Our magic carpet. All aboard!
24:45Have you ever flown one of these before?
24:47Of course I have.
24:48Throttleboard!
24:55Last time I fly, coach.
25:00Oh, wow!
25:02Dad's not going to believe this one.
25:11I know, I know I'm going to regret saying this,
25:14but come on.
25:30Down there.
25:40There!
25:48There she is.
25:59There she is.
26:29There she is.
26:51What time have you got?
26:5320 out.
26:55Great.
26:57Are you suggesting...
26:59We've lost the major ascent,
27:01and we're running out of time.
27:03Better to go someplace safe,
27:05wait till it's past noon,
27:07and then regroup with our own plan of attack.
27:09After what we've been through,
27:11you really think we'll find a safe place?
27:13Sure.
27:15There's a little hiding place I used to play in
27:17growing up around here.
27:19Well,
27:21he may be following us.
27:23We'll need to find a quick way to cover our tracks.
27:27Come on.
27:36Hey, go get us a cab.
27:38I'm going to call home.
27:40Okay.
27:47Hello, Mother?
27:49Hi, it's Laura.
27:53I didn't realize it was your bridge day.
27:55I won't keep you.
27:58The weather?
28:00It's lovely.
28:02How about there?
28:07Oh, I'm sorry.
28:12Maybe you ought to move out here.
28:17Right, I know.
28:19You like it where you are.
28:22I'm sure your friends are wonderful.
28:26Who else have you got?
28:29I didn't think you needed anybody.
28:31You were always so self...
28:33You were always so self-reliant.
28:38Think how well you handled Dad's leaving.
28:45I meant it as a compliment.
28:47I meant it as a compliment.
28:51There's nothing wrong with handling adversity well.
28:53I try to do that.
28:56Just one minute.
28:58Right, okay, okay, go get the bell.
29:01No, I'm fine, really.
29:04Nothing could be better.
29:07Right, right, go.
29:09Call when you get the chance.
29:11Bye.
29:17Bye.
29:27Bye.
29:29Head toward the channel, please.
29:39How's your mother?
29:43We're having lousy weather back there.
29:48They always do this time of year, don't they?
29:56I'm not crying because I'm afraid to die.
30:00I'm crying because there have been too many things in my life
30:03which were out of my control.
30:07I've had the same grief as myself now and again.
30:11Don't you realize if it were left to me,
30:13I would make everything right for everyone?
30:15If it were up to me, I would leave it up to you.
30:18You're just saying that to make me stop crying.
30:20It worked, didn't it?
30:23Look, Laura, there are only two ways to go through life.
30:27Like you, the mathematics student.
30:30Expecting to find your universe in perfect working order.
30:33Demanding too much of yourself and everyone around you.
30:36Finding yourself disappointed at every turn.
30:38Or like me, the wanderer.
30:42Entitled to nothing, not even parents.
30:44Finding myself pleasantly surprised when something does go right.
30:47Or somebody pats me on the back instead of kicking me in the teeth.
30:51Where do you get the strength to try when you don't think you'll succeed?
30:55And where do you find the strength to pick yourself up
30:57time and time again when you let yourself down?
31:00I believe in myself.
31:02And I believe in whoever I am at the moment.
31:05And when that doesn't work anymore,
31:08I'll become someone else.
31:10Teach me that, will you?
31:11And then maybe we can run away from all this mess.
31:14I was hoping you'd teach me how to stand and fight.
31:22Uh-oh. Abandon at seven o'clock.
31:27Pull into that car wash over there.
31:30Okay.
31:40Okay.
31:59That's all right. We'll stay in here.
32:01Don't you think you might be better off in a motel?
32:05This is so much more exciting.
32:07Uh-huh.
32:37Uh-huh.
33:08Hmm.
33:10Come on.
33:13Come on.
33:37Hey, 5-8 to Benny.
33:39This is Benny. Go ahead.
33:41You're not gonna believe this.
33:42Pulled into the car wash, came out the other end,
33:45and the couple that was in was gone.
33:57Why didn't we think of this sooner?
34:00I've thought about it. Often.
34:03Wouldn't it be such a bad way to spend our last hour?
34:07Regrets, Mr. Steele?
34:09No.
34:11Only that sometimes I didn't live up to the Remington Steele that you had in mind.
34:16I won't hold it against you.
34:18You're supposed to say that I'm everything he's supposed to be and more.
34:22If I said that, it would go to your head.
34:24Then you'd cease to be what I just said you were.
34:29Thank you, Miss Holden, for protecting me from myself.
34:33Anytime, Mr. Steele.
34:48Take a ride over there, please.
34:51Okay.
35:03Come on.
35:24The place hasn't changed since I was a kid.
35:27That's where we played, in the runoff tunnels.
35:30There you go. Thank you very much.
35:36Doesn't seem the safest place for kids.
35:39That's why it was so much fun.
35:41Just a few more minutes and we're home free.
35:51I hope you're not afraid of the dark.
35:54No. This is the first time since death's gone I've showed up that I really feel safe.
36:01Ha-ha-ha!
36:04You want a fair fight, Deskoyne? I'm right here. Let's have it. Come on.
36:07Come on! Do you hear me?
36:09But let Miss Holt go. You've no quarrel with her.
36:12Don't listen to him, Deskoyne. I'm the one you want.
36:16I was the one who did all the legwork on the Lily Martin case.
36:19Mr. Steele wasn't... He was out of town at the time.
36:24The fear.
36:26Feel it, Mr. Steele.
36:28Feel it, Mr. Steele.
36:30Miss Holt rising up out of the pit of your stomach,
36:34into your throat,
36:36pounding in your brain, choking off your breath.
36:40Feel it. Feel the fear.
36:43It'll be the last thing you feel.
36:54Let's get the fuck out.
36:58Come on.
37:29There was a time when I knew each of these by name.
37:32I'd just as soon you didn't renew your acquaintance.
37:35Come on.
37:52Shine a light over there.
37:54Oh, my God. He's sold one of my old diaries.
37:58I didn't have to mention this place, did I?
38:01Oh, yeah.
38:06Fire the guns!
38:25Ah!
38:36Apparently the Major intends to kill us at noon and not a moment sooner.
38:40Blanks.
38:42Come here!
38:44Get him!
38:54Best time of your mind, escort.
39:00Get him!
39:04Come here, you fucker!
39:25Come on.
39:48Come here! Come here, you fucker!
39:51I think twice about violence, Mr. Steele.
39:54It's not a pretty path to go down.
39:56The wisdom of experience, eh?
39:59I've been waiting for this moment for such a long time.
40:02Don't kill him!
40:04Give me one good reason why not.
40:06I'll give you six good reasons,
40:08and each one has 135 grains of lead.
40:11Just let him go, bud.
40:14Now step back real slow.
40:17Hands on your head.
40:19Are we glad to see you.
40:21Which one of you is Descoyne?
40:25Thank you for coming so promptly, Sergeant.
40:28All right, let's get up here.
40:30First you, then you.
40:33And keep your hands where I can see them.
40:36Descoyne, you wait there till I get him cuffed.
40:42You came just in time, Sergeant.
40:44A few more moments and it'd have been all over for me.
40:47I told you, Descoyne, when you get a death threat,
40:50let the police handle it.
40:52We're the ones that got the death threats from him!
40:55Then why did he call to say someone was threatening to kill him here at noon?
40:59And why did I see you with your hands around his neck?
41:02This must have been his plan all along.
41:04He was gonna ambush us on our way to the police station.
41:07Or a jail.
41:09Come on.
41:11Don't move! Don't move!
41:13You have to understand.
41:15Call Detective Jarvis of Homicide
41:17and tell him Major Descoyne is trying to kill Remington Steele.
41:20Just give me the gun and everything will be all right.
41:23Don't do anything you'll regret.
41:25It's no good, Laurie. He's not gonna listen to us.
41:27Get up here, Descoyne! I got it.
41:29Descoyne!
41:31He's back in the tunnels!
41:33Descoyne! Descoyne!
41:35He may have an armory down there.
41:37We'll go back to the office, call Jarvis.
41:39If they want to arrest us, we'll wait for them there.
41:41At least it'll be past noon. Come on.
41:44Excuse me.
42:06We made it!
42:0812 o'clock. I didn't think I'd ever see it.
42:10But we did it, Laura.
42:13Not quite.
42:15Goodbye, Mr. Steele.
42:17Goodbye, Miss Holt.
42:21Open it!
42:26God damn it! It's secure!
42:29Try your upper store!
42:34It's got one of these things, too!
42:36No!
42:47Nice, safe, high-rise windows.
42:49So you can't accidentally break them and fall out.
42:51Wonderful.
42:53This thing won't shut off!
42:57I'll cover it with this. Come.
42:59Pop the air conditioner will work.
43:01No! No!
43:03It'll only blow the gas around the room.
43:05Unless somehow... Wait a minute.
43:07We can reverse it.
43:14Did we do it?
43:16I think we got it.
43:18Okay.
43:20It's working. Come on.
43:26Oh, God!
43:28You okay?
43:31What's this I found?
43:33Goodness!
43:37What happened?
43:39Don't ask, Mildred. Just don't ask.
43:42Are you all right?
43:44Yes.
43:46Day's hot enough for you, Mildred?
43:48He was a gutterball, Mr. Steele.
43:50He tried to sell me insurance.
43:52Sorry I'm a few minutes late, folks.
44:00Got something for me?
44:02Just a second.
44:29What?
44:31Alpha-chloroacetophenol.
44:33Isn't that non-toxic?
44:35Yes.
44:40What are you doing?
44:42My apologies, but you can never be too careful
44:44where the nature is concerned.
45:01The gas wouldn't have killed us, but this would.
45:04And it's a particularly ugly death.
45:06The glue is laced with a combination of toxins,
45:08commonly referred to as the destroying angel.
45:11Very slow acting.
45:13So it would have been hours before we realized
45:15that we'd been poisoned, and by that time...
45:17By that time, the murder weapon
45:19would have been nailed back to the murderer.
45:21The ultimate conceit.
45:25So you don't have anything for me after all?
45:28On the contrary.
45:32Did I miss something?
45:34Pfft!
46:02Ahem.
46:04May I help you?
46:06Is today's mail all up yet? I'm expecting something.
46:09Box 233.
46:11Anything back there for 233?
46:14233? You got it.
46:21Ah, State Bureau of Investigative Service.
46:26You work with them?
46:28Something like that.
46:31Must be awfully exciting, being a private eye, I mean.
46:34I wouldn't know.
46:36I'm just a clerk who minds his own business.
46:38Uh-huh.
46:40What's this?
46:42War's over, Major.
46:44Run, kids!
46:46Stop her, Milton!
46:48Hey!
46:50You rotten kids!
47:01Ah!
47:11Enough! Enough!
47:13These death scorns certainly have a way of vanishing, don't they?
47:16But we always return, Mr. Steele.
47:18You can count on it.
47:20See you around, Major, in about ten years.
47:23Mwah!
47:31Ha, ha, ha!
47:44Ouch! Ouch!
47:47Perhaps we ought to get away for a while, eh?
47:50I know this quaint little bar on Mykonos.
48:00¶¶
48:30¶¶