… Into Fire Audiobook part 4/4

AUDIOLIBRARY

… Into Fire Audiobook part 4/4 Best Seller Romance Audiobook

Transcript

00:00:00Did Maddy have another go at you?

00:00:03I like that move for a couple reasons.

00:00:04One, it lets Ricky know that I'm not stupid enough to blow his cover.

00:00:08I can tell he appreciates it because his body language shifts ever so subtly.

00:00:11And two, it pisses Logan off.

00:00:15On the other hand, Maddy is looking at me like I'm out of my mind, which, I mean, shit, I am.

00:00:20She shouldn't be that shocked. She knows me pretty good.

00:00:22Anyway.

00:00:23Logan keeps smiling and nodding.

00:00:25I swear to fuck, it's like the guy went to cartoon villain school or some shit.

00:00:28So silly.

00:00:30But sadly, whether it's silly and cliche or not,

00:00:33when the butt of an AK smacks you in the chops, it stings a bit.

00:00:36Even me.

00:00:38My head snaps back and I black out for just the tiniest of seconds.

00:00:42I can feel my knees get weak and I almost think I might actually go down,

00:00:46but then my nervous system rallies, everything comes back into view, and I shake the lights back on.

00:00:51I smile and ask,

00:00:54That wasn't my present, was it?

00:00:56Because honestly, it's kind of a shitty gift.

00:01:01I can tell he's a little confused by the fact that I'm still standing.

00:01:04And he winds back like he's going to give it another try,

00:01:06but when I lean my face toward him and point at the spot on my cheek where I suggest he aim next,

00:01:12he grabs Maddy by the arm instead.

00:01:14Fuck.

00:01:15Shit.

00:01:16God damn it.

00:01:17Did my fucking wise-ass behavior just make life worse for Maddy?

00:01:20Son of a bitch.

00:01:22He shouts something to Ricky in Spanish as he's dragging Maddy away,

00:01:25and Ricky comes up next to me and punches me as hard as he can,

00:01:29I'm guessing, in the ribs.

00:01:31And no kidding, it's the best punch I've ever been hit with.

00:01:35He nails it perfectly.

00:01:37Right in the soft spot just below the rib cage.

00:01:39Not quite a kidney punch, which I'm supposing he avoided on purpose,

00:01:43but in a pretty tender location and with enough force that I feel it.

00:01:47I'm impressed.

00:01:48I'll have to remember to compliment him later.

00:01:51As Maddy's being dragged off, she looks over her shoulder at me,

00:01:55her red hair being blown about in the night sky,

00:01:58the urgent confusion and pleading in her eyes.

00:02:02I tense to go charging for her immediately.

00:02:06Ricky grabs my arm and pulls me back.

00:02:08You will fucking die, he whispers to me.

00:02:12Yeah, and? I ask him.

00:02:15And so will Maddy.

00:02:17Fuck, he's right.

00:02:18I can help her, but you gotta let me.

00:02:21Don't fuck me here more than you already have.

00:02:24I glance at him.

00:02:25He means it.

00:02:26I can tell.

00:02:28I nod and shout toward Maddy.

00:02:31I'll see you later, babe.

00:02:32We'll unwrap presents and roast chestnuts and shit.

00:02:36Ricky steps in front of me.

00:02:38Gets right in my face.

00:02:40What the fuck is wrong with you?

00:02:42The both of you?

00:02:44I contemplate the answer to that.

00:02:47There's so much to unpack in the question, I don't even know where to start.

00:02:51So I just shrug and say,

00:02:54You don't find us charming?

00:02:56That's weird.

00:02:58We're super fucking charming.

00:03:00Everybody says so.

00:03:03And when he grabs my arm and starts leading me toward

00:03:05whatever the fuck is waiting for me inside,

00:03:08I swear to God,

00:03:11he cracks the hint of a smile.

00:03:1722.

00:03:19Maddy.

00:03:22There's no talking as Logan pulls me along by the arm.

00:03:26No threats, no dramatic declarations.

00:03:29Nothing.

00:03:30The bedlam that was going on before,

00:03:32with everyone running around all frantic,

00:03:35has calmed,

00:03:36and the lapping of waves on the shore is the only sound.

00:03:39It's possible that from somewhere I might hear the playing of Carol of the Bells,

00:03:44but it might also just be my imagination.

00:03:48I've always loved that song.

00:03:50I'm tempted to speak,

00:03:52but what the hell am I going to say?

00:03:54There's no explaining I can do.

00:03:56Nothing I can offer to get myself out of this.

00:03:59I can only assume he saw me and Tyler fucking.

00:04:03Or at least I hope he did.

00:04:05I hope he saw it, and it made him furious.

00:04:08I hope he saw my ass pressing into the sand,

00:04:11and Tyler's big cock sliding in and out,

00:04:14and I hope it made him hard and lonely.

00:04:17Fuck him.

00:04:18Once we're inside, he drags me back to the room where I was before.

00:04:23The one that's set up for dinner.

00:04:24The one with the champagne flute that has the pill in it.

00:04:28Had.

00:04:29Had the pill in it.

00:04:31The flute is still there,

00:04:33the champagne is still filling it,

00:04:35but the pill has disappeared.

00:04:37Has it dissolved finally?

00:04:39Did someone see the pill sitting in the bubbly liquid and pull it out?

00:04:43Where did it go?

00:04:44If it's the former, then maybe there's still a chance Carlos will drink it and knock himself out.

00:04:49If it's the latter,

00:04:51I'm screwed.

00:04:52More screwed. Whatever. Who gives a shit?

00:04:55Carlos is sitting at the table smoking a cigar.

00:04:58The hazy, gray-white smoke hovers in the space like a misty morning fog.

00:05:03The smell is rich and round,

00:05:05and reminds me of Pete a little bit.

00:05:08I take a breath and close my eyes for a moment.

00:05:11Medicine.

00:05:12Carlos says.

00:05:14How was your stroll?

00:05:16He takes a lung puff off his cigar, throws his head back, blows the smoke out.

00:05:21I don't say anything.

00:05:22Again, I see no point.

00:05:25Logan shoves me further into the room, toward Carlos.

00:05:29She was with him,

00:05:30he says.

00:05:32Carlos nods, pursing his lips.

00:05:35He tilts his head back again like he's contemplating something.

00:05:38He takes another puff off his cigar and asks.

00:05:42Which him, exactly?

00:05:45The Tyler-him. He's here. He's the one.

00:05:48I see, says Carlos.

00:05:51And what were they doing, the two of them?

00:05:54I look at Logan. He looks at me.

00:05:57To hell with it.

00:05:58We were fucking, I say.

00:06:00I fucked him. He fucked me. We fucked.

00:06:03He's my boyfriend. I missed him. That's what you do.

00:06:07Logan's bad eye is still too swollen for me to gauge an expression,

00:06:12but his good eye goes as wide as it can.

00:06:15Carlos's expression, on the other hand, doesn't change.

00:06:19And where is this Tyler now?

00:06:22Carlos asks.

00:06:24Ricky has him. I'm going to go talk with him myself,

00:06:27says Logan.

00:06:28Carlos takes another puff,

00:06:31then rests his cigar on an ashtray sitting right by that still barely bubbling glass of champagne.

00:06:38He stands.

00:06:39Very good.

00:06:40But please, before you kill him,

00:06:43find out exactly from whom he got his hands on one of my drones.

00:06:49There are two things inside those eighteen words that snap my attention up to Carlos real, real hard

00:06:55and cause my breath to catch in my throat.

00:06:58Logan nods, gives me a shit-eating grin,

00:07:01and goes, closing the door behind him and leaving me and Carlos alone.

00:07:07Carlos taps his fingers on the table twice,

00:07:09and then clicks his tongue against the roof of his mouth five times.

00:07:13I find myself acutely aware of the specifics of everything happening at the moment.

00:07:19He picks up a champagne glass and takes a sip.

00:07:22Not THE champagne glass.

00:07:24A champagne glass.

00:07:26Which was intended to be MY champagne glass.

00:07:30Shit.

00:07:31Then he wanders over to the tray of tamales I requested,

00:07:34which have appeared in my absence,

00:07:36and picks one up.

00:07:38He smells it.

00:07:40They are very good.

00:07:41You are right to enjoy them.

00:07:43That is, assuming you actually do.

00:07:46He cocks his head, as if he's asking me a question.

00:07:50I say nothing.

00:07:52He keeps the tamale in his hand as he wanders over to me.

00:07:56Oh, my sweet Madison.

00:07:58It is very hard to be me.

00:08:01I know, I know.

00:08:02What could be hard about it?

00:08:04Right?

00:08:05I have money.

00:08:06I have power.

00:08:08But that all comes at a great cost.

00:08:10Responsibility.

00:08:12Heavy is the head that wears the crown, as they say.

00:08:16He's circling me now, like a shark.

00:08:19At least as far as I understand the way sharks behave.

00:08:22Or it could be like a vulture circling an animal,

00:08:25waiting for it to die.

00:08:27Either way, it's not a comforting feeling.

00:08:30People think I am crazy.

00:08:32I know this.

00:08:34Which is good.

00:08:35Because it means that all the work I have done to make people believe I am is working.

00:08:41Can I ask you,

00:08:43do you think I am crazy?

00:08:46He's behind me, leaning over my shoulder,

00:08:49pulling my hair back to whisper the question into my ear.

00:08:53Or perhaps you just think I am stupid.

00:08:56Love.

00:08:57Sick.

00:08:58Controlled by my...

00:09:00He presses his crotch into my ass.

00:09:02My ass that is only covered by this thin dress,

00:09:06since I don't have any panties on.

00:09:08I saw Tyler take them.

00:09:10Weirdo.

00:09:12I close my eyes and try to keep breathing.

00:09:15You know,

00:09:16Carlos goes on,

00:09:17when I hired you to plan my daughter's wedding,

00:09:20I liked you immediately.

00:09:22You did not seem intimidated by me.

00:09:25And I appreciated that.

00:09:27Very much.

00:09:29So many people work so hard to please me,

00:09:32that when I meet someone who seems like they are strong and have the courage of convictions,

00:09:37I like that.

00:09:39Especially in a woman.

00:09:40You, in particular,

00:09:43reminded me of another woman I felt that way about once.

00:09:48Oh, Jesus.

00:09:49Please don't say...

00:09:50Carolina.

00:09:52You know about Carolina, yes?

00:09:54You know who she was?

00:09:56I assume you do, since you talked about her the other night.

00:10:00I don't nod.

00:10:01I don't say yes.

00:10:03I continue standing still as he circles around the front of me,

00:10:06holding that goddamned tamale.

00:10:09The combination of the tamale smell with the cigar smoke is making me want to throw up.

00:10:14Or maybe it's just the fear that I can't deny is creeping in now.

00:10:19When I discovered that you had begun working for Peter Flanagan, I was...

00:10:24surprised?

00:10:25Shocked?

00:10:26I do not know the word.

00:10:28But I could not believe that you,

00:10:30this woman who reminds me so much of a woman I once knew,

00:10:34would find herself associated with the same man.

00:10:38That is quite a coincidence.

00:10:40Don't you think that's quite a coincidence?

00:10:43He's inches from my face.

00:10:45I can smell the cigar and champagne on his breath.

00:10:49Pete, I summon the will to say.

00:10:52I'm sorry?

00:10:54His name wasn't Peter.

00:10:56It was just Pete, as far as I know.

00:10:59There is a pause as he looks at me curiously, then smiles.

00:11:03Ah, yes.

00:11:05Very good.

00:11:07So, tell me.

00:11:08How is it that you came to work for...

00:11:11Pete?

00:11:12After you and I met and you spent all my money.

00:11:16I open my mouth to speak,

00:11:18but he puts his tobacco-stained finger against my lips.

00:11:21Shh, shh, shh.

00:11:23You did spend my money.

00:11:26Whether or not it is your fault is beside the point.

00:11:29You did, in fact, spend it.

00:11:32So, how did you come to work at Pete's, exactly?

00:11:37Where did the idea come to you from?

00:11:41There is a shiver running down my spine now.

00:11:44Moments ago, he told Logan to find out where Tyler got hold of one of Carlos' drones.

00:11:49And now he's asking me questions about how I came to work at Pete's.

00:11:53Which, as I told Tyler, was because of the flyer I saw at the drone store.

00:11:58Or warehouse, or whatever the fuck.

00:12:02Why?

00:12:03I summon the voice to ask.

00:12:05Because, he says, pressing his face directly into mine.

00:12:10I want to know, precisely, how long you've been working for the Drug Enforcement Administration of the United States of America.

00:12:20The crashing of waves is all I hear.

00:12:23Then,

00:12:24Madison,

00:12:25you don't look well.

00:12:27Oh, I'm sorry.

00:12:29Forgive me.

00:12:30You still haven't eaten.

00:12:32And from what you say, you had quite the workout.

00:12:35So here, please, please.

00:12:37I want you to eat.

00:12:39He holds up the fucking tamale.

00:12:42I try to lick my lips, but there's no saliva.

00:12:45So raspy and barely audible, I eke out,

00:12:49I'm not-

00:12:49Eat!

00:12:50He screams, right before he squeezes my cheeks, forcing my jaws open,

00:12:55and shoves the sweet, mushy corn husk violently into my mouth.

00:13:04Chapter 23

00:13:06Tyler

00:13:08The first thing I notice about the room Ricky leads me into is what it doesn't have.

00:13:13Furniture.

00:13:14At all.

00:13:16It appears to be pretty much empty, but that also means it isn't outfitted with any kind of electrified torture bed,

00:13:22like they strapped Stallone to in Rambo First Blood Part 2, so I'm feeling pretty good about things right now.

00:13:27Although I was curious how I would take having electrodes and shit strapped to my junk.

00:13:32Maybe Maddie and I can find out if we make it out of this.

00:13:36You're a piece of fucking work, man, you know that?

00:13:39Ricky says as he closes the door behind us and tosses my rucksack on the floor.

00:13:43Thanks, I'll take that as a compliment.

00:13:45Hey, I don't really give a shit what happens to me, so do me a favor, would you, and go fucking find Maddie!

00:13:51Orders are for me to wait with you until Logan gets here. I'll go as soon as I can.

00:13:55If that motherfucker hurts her, I will rip his spine out through his fucking dickhole.

00:14:00Man,

00:14:01Ricky says, shaking his head,

00:14:03Will you just fucking dial it back for a second?

00:14:06No.

00:14:07I really wish I could, believe me, but I don't think I have the switch for that.

00:14:12He sighs.

00:14:14What the fuck were you thinking, coming down here?

00:14:17We had a deal. I gave her a sat phone, she didn't call like she was supposed to.

00:14:21He nods.

00:14:23You don't trust me, do you?

00:14:25Gee, is it obvious?

00:14:28Well, he says, rubbing his hand over his mouth.

00:14:32That's fine and all, but if something happens to Maddie tonight, know that you did this shit.

00:14:39We stare at each other for a long beat as my fingers tighten into fists.

00:14:43Not because he said it, but because...

00:14:46Fuck.

00:14:48I know he's right.

00:14:50And then the door opens, and in walks good old Logan, carrying his AK in one hand,

00:14:55and a fucking baseball bat in the other.

00:14:58Which is just adorable.

00:15:01You guys got a league? I ask.

00:15:03Shit, I didn't bring my mitt.

00:15:06Logan looks at Ricky and gestures with his chin to the wall behind me,

00:15:09which is when I notice, for the first time, the handcuffs bolted there.

00:15:14Ricky grabs me, marches me over, and locks my arms above my head into the metal bracelets.

00:15:21As he's backing away, he gives me a look that's half, I'm sorry, and half, don't fuck me here.

00:15:28Wow, I say as he steps back, leaving me hanging there. Literally.

00:15:34Logan! I know we don't know each other that well, but I had no clue you were into the kinky shit.

00:15:40Logan rests his rifle against the wall where he's standing.

00:15:44Ricky makes for the door. I hope to fuck to go find Maddie,

00:15:47but Logan stops him with something that sounds to my ear like,

00:15:50No, quedarse.

00:15:52Ricky says some other shit to him in Spanish I don't understand, and Logan answers back.

00:15:56Ricky again tries to leave, but now Logan shouts,

00:15:59Quedarse!

00:16:01Which causes Ricky to put his hands up and step back into the corner.

00:16:05He looks at me with a tilt to his head that suggests an apology,

00:16:09and one raised eyebrow that says,

00:16:11I fuckin' tried.

00:16:13And even though there are a thousand other things that should be on my mind at present,

00:16:17the only thought I have just now is,

00:16:19I wonder if he can raise both eyebrows or just the one.

00:16:22And then it dawns on me.

00:16:24If he's not leaving this room, then who the fuck is going to protect Maddie?

00:16:29Logan walks over to me now.

00:16:32Baseball bat propped on his shoulder.

00:16:35It's kind of hard to take him seriously with his face all fucked up

00:16:38and him sauntering like a little leaguer who just got called to the plate,

00:16:41but it makes it a tad bit easier to take him seriously the moment after the bat crashes into my ribs.

00:16:47He smiles just before the wind-up and swinging with all his force,

00:16:51he lands the boomstick in more or less the same area where Ricky punched me.

00:16:56I'm crediting the fact that it knocks the wind out of me,

00:16:59more to Ricky having already tenderized my flesh,

00:17:02and less to the mighty power that is lame-ass Logan,

00:17:05which I've decided is his new nickname.

00:17:08But no matter the reason, it does smart a teeny bit and I wince.

00:17:12My knees buckle and I feel the tug of the cuffs on my wrists

00:17:16as they pull at my skin and keep me from collapsing.

00:17:19It's a simple but effective way to torture a person, I have to admit.

00:17:23You can beat on them all you want, but they can't retreat.

00:17:26They're totally exposed.

00:17:28And when they finally do break down,

00:17:30the cuffs rip and tear at the flesh of their wrists

00:17:33and threaten to pull their shoulders out of their sockets.

00:17:36Solid.

00:17:37And way less messy than cutting somebody up with a chainsaw.

00:17:41Anyway...

00:17:44Strike one!

00:17:45I manage to cough out.

00:17:47Okay.

00:17:48Logan says, nodding and backing up to stare at me.

00:17:52So, my uncle is chatting with Maddie,

00:17:55and you and I are gonna have a little talk too,

00:17:57and then we'll see if everybody's stories line up.

00:18:00How's that sound?

00:18:02Like you pulled that question out of a Steven Seagal movie from the 90s,

00:18:05but whatever.

00:18:07Continue.

00:18:09He closes his eyes and takes a breath.

00:18:12Where did you get the drone?

00:18:13He asks.

00:18:14What drone?

00:18:15I ain't got no drone.

00:18:16I ain't got no drone.

00:18:17Man, just don't!

00:18:20He slams the bat against the floor.

00:18:22It's a wood floor and a wood bat

00:18:24and the sound reverberates through the room

00:18:26with a rich tribal tone

00:18:28that causes me to think of a kodo drum from Japan.

00:18:32There's a reason I allow my mind to wander.

00:18:36For a long time, I thought I couldn't control it.

00:18:39I actually think I probably could if I wanted to.

00:18:43But I don't.

00:18:44Because then, I would have to be present.

00:18:48And for years, being present meant being present

00:18:51in a shitty situation that I hated

00:18:53or caused pain

00:18:55or both.

00:18:57I've been finding lately that with Maddie,

00:18:59my mind doesn't wander as much

00:19:01because when I'm with her,

00:19:03where I am is exactly where I want to be.

00:19:06But here, now,

00:19:08a situation like this,

00:19:11I got no problem letting my brain saunter off.

00:19:15It's what's going to keep me from giving my power away

00:19:18to the fact that, in theory, I should be intimidated

00:19:21because I won't be.

00:19:23Not by this fuckbucket.

00:19:26Logan continues talking.

00:19:29We know that the guy we were buying our drones from

00:19:32was working for the DEA.

00:19:34And we know that they were tagging our own fucking drones

00:19:37to see if they could figure out

00:19:39the shit they were too stupid to figure out any other way.

00:19:42Which is why we stopped using them.

00:19:44And then, lo and fucking behold,

00:19:47Maddie shows up.

00:19:49And then, the very next day,

00:19:52a drone that we confirmed from the serial number

00:19:55was one of ours,

00:19:56from a shipment we never picked up

00:19:58because we fucking figured out what was going on,

00:20:00shows up dive-bombing my uncle's house.

00:20:04I glance at Ricky,

00:20:07who shakes his head a tiny bit and looks to the ground.

00:20:10Logan doesn't see the exchange, I don't think,

00:20:12and continues.

00:20:14So my question is,

00:20:16who is it who supplied you with the fucking drone?

00:20:19I mean, I know you aren't fucking DEA,

00:20:22so how'd you get it?

00:20:24Fucking Ricky.

00:20:26Piece of shit lying cocksucker.

00:20:30Was Maddie right?

00:20:32Was she somehow fucking dragged into this thing

00:20:35before it even began?

00:20:37Ricky's looking at me with a tight grimace now.

00:20:39Is he worried I'm gonna blow his cover?

00:20:41He goddamn well should be.

00:20:44Fuck you, bro.

00:20:47I take a breath and say,

00:20:49I don't know what the fuck you're talking about,

00:20:51it's Maddie's.

00:20:52She bought it.

00:20:53She didn't know I was coming down here.

00:20:55I just didn't like the idea of your uncle

00:20:57and his shriveled old fucking cocaine dick near her,

00:20:59so I borrowed it to make sure she was okay.

00:21:03I know there's no way he'll believe me.

00:21:05Why would he?

00:21:06It's the truth.

00:21:08With a lunge that shows a level of spry agility

00:21:11I have heretofore not seen from lame ass,

00:21:14he cracks me again in the same spot.

00:21:17This one I feel.

00:21:19It runs through my stomach and into my back like,

00:21:22well, like fire.

00:21:24Which sucks.

00:21:26But I can't help it.

00:21:28I burst out laughing.

00:21:31Oh shit!

00:21:33Nice try, bro, but strike two!

00:21:36Logan is huffing a little,

00:21:38partially from the labor and partially from his anger.

00:21:41I'm coughing and laughing at the same time,

00:21:43stomping my feet to shake off the burn,

00:21:46and then I throw my head back and howl at the ceiling.

00:21:49This is bar none the best Christmas ever!

00:21:53I scream.

00:21:55I'm not actually going crazy.

00:21:57I just want him to think I am.

00:22:00Or I might actually just be going crazy.

00:22:02It's hard to tell.

00:22:04I glance again at Ricky with a,

00:22:07I'm guessing, maniacal smile on my face.

00:22:10He looks pained.

00:22:12Good, he should.

00:22:14It's nothing compared to the pain he's going to feel if I get out of this shit.

00:22:17I wonder how far he's willing to let Logan beat on me

00:22:20to keep from blowing his cover.

00:22:22I have a feeling we won't have to wait too long to find out.

00:22:26Shut up!

00:22:27Logan shouts over my howling and carrying on,

00:22:30and he winds up for another swing.

00:22:32Stop!

00:22:33That's me.

00:22:34Stop!

00:22:36Okay.

00:22:37Okay.

00:22:38I'll tell you what you want to know.

00:22:40Logan lowers the bat and steps back again.

00:22:44It's me, okay?

00:22:46It's me.

00:22:48I'm the DEA agent.

00:22:50Maddie doesn't know.

00:22:52I've been gone for a long time,

00:22:53but I knew her when we were kids,

00:22:55and when I started working for the DEA,

00:22:56I discovered that she had this relationship with Castillo,

00:22:59so I've been using her to try and get close to your organization.

00:23:02Okay?

00:23:03It's me.

00:23:04It's my fucking drone.

00:23:06She's my informant.

00:23:07It's all me.

00:23:10Christ.

00:23:12I wonder if that story sounds as stupid to Logan as it does to me.

00:23:16Logan gets an impish grin,

00:23:17which is pretty macabre on his busted kisser,

00:23:21huffs out a half laugh and says,

00:23:24You're no fucking DEA agent.

00:23:26No, I'm not.

00:23:28He shakes his head.

00:23:30Nope.

00:23:31Yeah? You're sure?

00:23:33He nods.

00:23:35Yeah.

00:23:36I'm sure.

00:23:38I know exactly who you are.

00:23:41Hmm.

00:23:42I'm super curious what that means.

00:23:45Oh?

00:23:46Do ya?

00:23:48Well, okay, Agatha Christie,

00:23:49then please, by all means, tell me what you think you know.

00:23:53He grins and says,

00:24:19artificial intelligence augmentation currently utilized by the U.S. government,

00:24:23a dozen private corporations,

00:24:25and in negotiation for use by half a dozen other tech and research companies as well.

00:24:30Technology actually created by Nadir al-Madani, now deceased.

00:24:36At present, the proclaimed boyfriend of Madison Clayton,

00:24:40chained to a wall in Ensenada, Mexico,

00:24:43and in a world of fucking trouble.

00:24:48He gets right up in my face,

00:24:50and echoes back to me some shit I jokingly said to him the first time we met.

00:24:55Dude.

00:24:57I know everything about you.

00:25:02I am never, ever speechless.

00:25:07I don't always speak, but I am never at a loss for words.

00:25:12Hey, look at that, Logan has the internet,

00:25:14and I'm not at a loss now either.

00:25:16Fuck this asshole.

00:25:18Where'd you get the fucking drone? He shouts.

00:25:21I told you the truth the first time, man, it's hers.

00:25:23She intended to buy it to fucking do the wedding planning shit,

00:25:26probably for you assholes.

00:25:28So you're telling me that she just happened to be working for Pete,

00:25:31and she just happened to buy a drone that was tagged by the DEA to track back to us?

00:25:36I glance at Ricky with a clenched jaw.

00:25:39Yeah, I know.

00:25:41It's hard for me to believe it too.

00:25:43But that's how it happened.

00:25:45So you don't know nothing about the cops, or the Federales, or the DEA, or none of that shit.

00:25:50You're just some lovesick asshole spying on your woman.

00:25:54Yup.

00:25:56Pretty much.

00:25:58Can I ask you a question?

00:26:00You want to ask me a question?

00:26:02I do.

00:26:04He sizes me up.

00:26:06What the fuck he's looking to determine with me hanging here, I'm not sure,

00:26:09but he eyeballs me for a long moment before saying.

00:26:12Okay, what?

00:26:15Logan.

00:26:17That's not a very Mexican name.

00:26:19Are you his nephew by marriage, or were you like adopted, or...

00:26:22But that's as far as I get before Logan grabs up the bat and rears back,

00:26:25clearly going to swing for my head this time.

00:26:28Oh boy, this is gonna smart, I have a feeling.

00:26:31And out of some primal instinct, I close my eyes,

00:26:35readying to absorb the blow when I hear...

00:26:38Click.

00:26:40And for the second time tonight,

00:26:42there is the sound of a Kalashnikov rifle being cocked.

00:26:46I open my eyes, and the question I had about how far Ricky would let Logan go

00:26:50before blowing his cover is answered.

00:26:53Logan snaps his head around to find Ricky there, weapon drawn.

00:26:56Logan scoped the fuck out with nowhere to run.

00:27:00Strike three, I say.

00:27:03Probably unnecessarily.

00:27:06Logan stares at Ricky for a second, and then just drops the bat.

00:27:11In the movies, there's always lots of talking and explaining in a situation like this.

00:27:16Ricky, what the hell are you doing?

00:27:18Don't move, Logan. Richard Martinez, DEA, you're done.

00:27:21Ricky, you bastard, you betrayed me.

00:27:24And shit like that.

00:27:26But in the real world, like now,

00:27:28Logan knows he's been played.

00:27:30He knows who's DEA and who ain't.

00:27:32And he knows he stands a way better chance of beating some kind of drug-wrapping court

00:27:36than he does of dealing with the blowback from trying to kill a fucking undercover DEA agent.

00:27:41Beyond that, he knows that there's a fucking assault rifle like five feet from his chest,

00:27:46and making a thing out of it right now isn't gonna help him a whole, whole lot.

00:27:50Ricky pulls a key from his pocket and hands it to Logan,

00:27:53keeping the gun drawn on him the whole time.

00:27:55He says something to him in Spanish, which is odd to me.

00:27:58It's like, dude, you've blown your cover.

00:28:01Just drop the shit and talk in a way everybody here can understand already.

00:28:05And Logan comes over to uncuff me from the wall.

00:28:08Dude, I whisper in Logan's face,

00:28:12I'm gonna say this just to say it.

00:28:15If Maddie's not exactly the way she was when I last saw her,

00:28:19I'm gonna rip your uncle's head off his shoulders

00:28:21and then bring him back in here to beat you to death with it.

00:28:25Logan doesn't say anything, which is fine.

00:28:29I mean, really, what do you say to something like that?

00:28:32So, once he releases my wrists, we finish the drill.

00:28:36I spin him around, lock him up,

00:28:38which looks a little more painful because he's shorter than I am,

00:28:41so the cuffs stretch him out a little further.

00:28:43Hey, not my fault.

00:28:44And then turn to Ricky and ask,

00:28:46why the fuck are we still standing here?

00:28:48Because there are men all over the fucking place.

00:28:50You have to stay here with him.

00:28:52What?

00:28:53Shut the front door, fucker.

00:28:55No way, you stay.

00:28:58You will get shot if you go out there alone.

00:29:01They don't know who the fuck I am,

00:29:03which is exactly the point.

00:29:06Touché.

00:29:07Well, tough shit, I say.

00:29:09I'm going with you.

00:29:10Ricky screws his mouth up like he's about to protest more,

00:29:13but he's met me.

00:29:14He knows he's not gonna win this argument.

00:29:16He nods in acquiescence.

00:29:19Hand me my bag, I say.

00:29:21He does.

00:29:22I open it up and start riffling through.

00:29:25What are you looking for?

00:29:26He asks.

00:29:27I don't answer, just keep searching.

00:29:29I'm looking for something to shove in Logan's mouth

00:29:31to keep him from shouting once we're both gone

00:29:33and he's here all chained up.

00:29:35I find the roll of duct tape that I have in there,

00:29:37but I need something else.

00:29:39It never works just to slap tape on a person's mouth.

00:29:42Another fallacy of the movie is you can use your tongue

00:29:44to eventually work it free.

00:29:46If you want to gag someone properly,

00:29:48you have to stuff something else in their mouth first.

00:29:51Unfortunately, all the T-shirts I had

00:29:53got burned up with chocolate thunder,

00:29:55and the only other stuff I have in the sack is, like,

00:29:57rope, a couple of MREs, a flashlight,

00:29:59you know, survival shit.

00:30:01I had some gauze in the car, but I forgot to pull it out,

00:30:04and now it's burned up too.

00:30:06And then I realize,

00:30:08I do have the perfect thing to stuff in his ugly maw.

00:30:12I pull Matty's panties out of my pocket,

00:30:15grab up the duct tape,

00:30:17and get right in Logan's face again.

00:30:20Honestly, man,

00:30:21you don't even deserve the privilege

00:30:23of having Matty's dried pussy juice in your mouth,

00:30:26but since it's Christmas and all.

00:30:30Once Matty's panties are safely taped up

00:30:32inside Logan's cake hole,

00:30:34and I'm sure that the gagging and snuffling he's doing

00:30:36is just him being a baby,

00:30:38and not him actually choking to death,

00:30:40although I could give a shit, really,

00:30:42but Ricky's being a bitch about it,

00:30:44I turn to Ricky and say,

00:30:45I'll fuck you up later, where is she?

00:30:47She's likely with Carlos,

00:30:49calm the fuck down, Jesus.

00:30:51You two are exactly alike.

00:30:53Again, I'll take that as a compliment.

00:30:55And calm the fuck down?

00:30:57Dude, I know that you set Matty up.

00:31:00What are you talking about?

00:31:02You've been using her this whole time?

00:31:05I've...

00:31:06What?

00:31:07Ricky asks,

00:31:08either genuinely confused or genuinely faking it.

00:31:11What Dick Sniffer said?

00:31:13I point at Logan,

00:31:14in case there was any ambiguity about who Dick Sniffer is.

00:31:18You fuckers were selling drones and shit,

00:31:20and you roped her in?

00:31:22That doesn't even make sense.

00:31:24Doesn't it?

00:31:25Does it?

00:31:26Shit, now he's got me confused.

00:31:29Brother,

00:31:30Ricky says,

00:31:31which again ruffles my feathers,

00:31:32but whatever.

00:31:33Yeah,

00:31:34we were trying to get intel from setting up the drone op,

00:31:36but the fact that Matty happened to be drone shopping

00:31:38while we were running it

00:31:40is just bad luck.

00:31:42She was working for Castillo

00:31:44when she stumbled in there.

00:31:46I know, man.

00:31:47But that's just the way it goes.

00:31:49That wasn't us.

00:31:50She started working at Pete's

00:31:52because she saw a flyer

00:31:54in the fucking drone place.

00:31:57Again, man, I know.

00:32:00Probably some intel about Carlos' history with Pete.

00:32:04That's a lead we were following.

00:32:06But also again,

00:32:08just a coincidence.

00:32:10So when the fuck did you find out about her?

00:32:13First time I ever heard about Matty Clayton

00:32:16was the night you and I met.

00:32:19That was the first time I got sent on a run with him.

00:32:22He lifts his chin to Logan.

00:32:24That was when I knew I had finally earned some fucking trust in the organization.

00:32:29But honestly,

00:32:30now that I've met you and Matty,

00:32:32I wish it had taken me a little longer.

00:32:34Because then,

00:32:35I might still be able to do my job

00:32:38instead of having the last year and a half of work

00:32:41blown the fuck up.

00:32:43Yeah, well,

00:32:45that's what I do.

00:32:47I make shit explode.

00:32:50Ironically.

00:32:52I shake my head a little.

00:32:54No!

00:32:55No!

00:32:56There's no way that...

00:32:58that all this shit that's happening is just fucked up bad luck.

00:33:02He takes a deep breath, lets it out.

00:33:04I know.

00:33:06But it is.

00:33:08I don't know what to tell you, man.

00:33:10Not everything always happens for a reason.

00:33:12Sometimes things just...

00:33:15happen.

00:33:18I don't know how many times,

00:33:20and in how many different ways,

00:33:21the universe is going to conspire to teach me the same damn lesson.

00:33:25But it sure keeps fucking trying.

00:33:28Come on, man.

00:33:29He says after a beep.

00:33:31Let's go get Matty.

00:33:33I snap out of my brief stupor,

00:33:35nod,

00:33:36and head for the door.

00:33:38He stops me.

00:33:39Hold up!

00:33:40He grabs me and pulls me to his side.

00:33:42He needs to look like I'm bringing you to Carlos or we won't make it five feet.

00:33:46I nod and let him take me by the arm.

00:33:49And then it occurs to me to say,

00:33:51Hey.

00:33:53He looks at me.

00:33:55I'm sorry I blew your cover.

00:33:58He laughs a little and shakes his head.

00:34:01You didn't.

00:34:03I did.

00:34:04I had to.

00:34:06I knew you'd let Logan fucking beat you to death before you'd say anything.

00:34:10Yeah, well.

00:34:12What can I tell you?

00:34:13I'm kind of stupid.

00:34:16He opens the door and pushes me out into the hall as he laughs and says,

00:34:20Yeah, I know.

00:34:22Everybody says so.

00:34:27Chapter 24

00:34:29Matty

00:34:32I'm shaking.

00:34:34Physically.

00:34:35I don't know if it's anger or terror, but it's probably both.

00:34:39Carlos is touching my chin, moving my mouth up and down.

00:34:43Yes, that's right.

00:34:45Chew.

00:34:46Chew every bite.

00:34:47Don't want you to choke.

00:34:49Fucking sadist.

00:34:51And all of the sudden, I'm thinking about his daughter.

00:34:54Where is she?

00:34:55Why isn't she here?

00:34:57Why wasn't she at his other house?

00:34:59It's Christmas.

00:35:01And I realize that when I asked him if he killed her because of the way she betrayed his trust,

00:35:06he never answered me.

00:35:08And although it's almost unthinkable, I am thinking it.

00:35:13Oh, Jesus Christ.

00:35:15Madison, Madison, Madison.

00:35:18He says, now moving back to the table,

00:35:21What are we going to do?

00:35:23I don't respond.

00:35:25I mean, on the one hand, I do like you.

00:35:28I like you very, very much.

00:35:31I appreciated that you were, I thought, truthful with me.

00:35:35You did not throw yourself into my arms and profess to love me.

00:35:39You made it, what's the word, plausible.

00:35:43Yes, it was plausible.

00:35:46I believed that you were here because you wanted a chance to escape your life.

00:35:50That terrible life of yours.

00:35:53He stands by the champagne glass that may or may not have dissolved knockout drug in it.

00:35:59Your brother dead.

00:36:01Your family gone.

00:36:03Your every attempt at a success, nothing but failure.

00:36:07A 25-year-old girl taking off her clothes for money and still not able to get by.

00:36:13It seemed that no matter what you tried, you could not help yourself.

00:36:17So it made sense to me that you would want someone strong who could take care of you.

00:36:22He picks up the flute.

00:36:24Oh, shit, is he going to drink it?

00:36:26Is the pill dissolved in it?

00:36:28Will it knock him out?

00:36:29Shit, I guess I'll find out soon.

00:36:32But the truth is, you were just allowing yourself to be used as a pawn in another way.

00:36:37Honestly, that would not have bothered me.

00:36:40If I had found out that you had been manipulated by the DEA, that would not surprise me.

00:36:46Despite your show of strength, you are weak, and they are powerful.

00:36:51It is not your fault.

00:36:53You are a woman.

00:36:54Women are simply weaker than men.

00:36:57And it is so easy to bend a weak woman's will.

00:37:01So, if it was only that you had been cooperating with the DEA all this time...

00:37:07But I wasn't-

00:37:08Shut up!

00:37:09When someone who is generally quiet screams, it's not nice.

00:37:14In this brief time with him, it's easy to see how he became as powerful as he is.

00:37:19He's unpredictable, and if unpredictability doesn't get you killed, it makes you strong.

00:37:25Which is why I'm not even attempting to correct him with all the weak woman shit.

00:37:30Because he should think that as much as he likes.

00:37:33I am confused about the DEA thing, however.

00:37:37He obviously doesn't know what he thinks he knows, or Ricky would be dead right now.

00:37:42And then I realize, I don't know that he's not.

00:37:45I don't know that Tyler's not either.

00:37:47And I have no idea what's going to happen next,

00:37:50but I know for sure that someone in this room is going to die tonight.

00:37:53And I plan to do everything in my power to see to it that it's not me.

00:37:59But, it is not just that you were lying to me.

00:38:03He stands in front of me with a glass of champagne.

00:38:06It's that you fucked someone else, as you said.

00:38:11Here, as my home, under my nose, while I waited for you to come to me.

00:38:17I will be honest with you.

00:38:20He pokes me in the forehead with his index finger to punctuate each word of the following.

00:38:25That. Does. Not. Sit. Well.

00:38:30He grabs my face and squeezes my cheeks.

00:38:33Again, not well at all.

00:38:36And then he lifts the glass of champagne, and he drinks it.

00:38:40Jesus Christ.

00:38:42Well, I'm going to go ahead and assume the pill dissolved

00:38:45and didn't magically rescue itself from the champagne glass.

00:38:49We'll find out, I suppose.

00:38:51He throws the empty champagne flute onto the floor and it smashes at my feet.

00:38:56I don't jump.

00:38:58So, what are we to do now?

00:39:01He asks, walking away, turning back to look at me when I don't immediately answer.

00:39:06About what? About you and me?

00:39:10The truth is that we have your boyfriend, he says appointedly.

00:39:15The drone pilot.

00:39:17He is the one we want the information from.

00:39:20So I don't really need you, do I?

00:39:23I say nothing.

00:39:25I mean, I could see what it is you might be able to tell me, but,

00:39:29truthfully, knowing you as I do,

00:39:32I would have to torture you to get anything out of you.

00:39:35And I don't want to do that.

00:39:37He comes back toward me, bends down and lifts my dress,

00:39:40drawing his hand at my leg and along my thigh as he does.

00:39:44And again, I'm still not wearing fucking underwear.

00:39:48He stands and lands his cheek against mine, putting his mouth by my ear.

00:39:53The base of his palm is resting against the edge of my pussy.

00:39:57Everything I have said to you, I have meant.

00:40:01I have not felt about a woman the way I feel about you in thirty-five years.

00:40:06If we can get the information we need from your styler,

00:40:09then it is possible that you and I can discuss options that allow you to live.

00:40:14Otherwise, I'm afraid that, even though I don't want to hurt you,

00:40:18you may force me to.

00:40:20Isn't it funny?

00:40:22You and I are always having to negotiate new terms when our original contracts are broken.

00:40:27And he wraps his mouth around my earlobe as his fingers clumsily fumble between my legs.

00:40:33Shit.

00:40:35I close my eyes and stiffen up my entire body as tautly as I can

00:40:40in preparation for engaging in the deadly martial art known as being Maddie Clayton.

00:40:46And then...

00:40:48Wham.

00:40:49Carlos's body hits the floor.

00:40:52Holy fucking shit.

00:40:55It worked.

00:40:56Thank you, Ricky007.

00:40:58Jesus Christ.

00:40:59Jesus Christ.

00:41:00Okay, okay.

00:41:01Now think.

00:41:02Think.

00:41:03I can't just waltz out of here.

00:41:05I had one shot to do that, and they found me and brought me back.

00:41:08No doubt this whole fucking mini-city is going to be on the lookout for me.

00:41:12Think.

00:41:13What to do?

00:41:14What to do?

00:41:15On the other side of the room is a fireplace.

00:41:17It's all lit up and roaring.

00:41:19All holiday festive.

00:41:21And as I stare into the fire, I think of Pete.

00:41:24And I think of Firefighter Jeff.

00:41:27And I think of Scotty.

00:41:29And I also think this may be my one shot to get out of here.

00:41:34I snap into action, pulling the tablecloth off the table

00:41:37and letting all the dishes go crashing to the floor.

00:41:40Shit.

00:41:41I should be more careful.

00:41:43But this place is so massive, presumably nobody can hear me.

00:41:46Or maybe they'll just think it's reindeer or something.

00:41:49Grabbing up the cloth, I dip it into the fire and it goes up almost immediately.

00:41:54Must be silk or some shit.

00:41:57Keeping the flame as far from me as possible,

00:41:59I run to touch it to the area rugs and the tapestries hanging from the walls.

00:42:04Anything I can find that's flammable.

00:42:07Fuck.

00:42:08I hope this works.

00:42:09And just as I toss the burning cloth onto one of the lush, upholstered side chairs,

00:42:14the door creaks open and I hear,

00:42:17Is he?

00:42:18God damn it.

00:42:20Help!

00:42:21Help!

00:42:22I shout.

00:42:23Someone's here.

00:42:24Someone came in and...

00:42:25Tyler?

00:42:26Hey, Mads.

00:42:27He says, poking his head in.

00:42:29Um, looks like you got a little fire in here.

00:42:32Ricky pushes Tyler into the room.

00:42:35He's holding a gun.

00:42:36He looks around and says,

00:42:38Jesus Christ.

00:42:40What the fuck did you do?

00:42:42I don't know.

00:42:43I was trying to get the place evacuated or create a distraction or...

00:42:47I thought...

00:42:48I don't know.

00:42:49I'm a little freaked out and honestly,

00:42:51who fucking cares?

00:42:52Can we go?

00:42:53Tyler looks down and sees Carlos.

00:42:55Is that Castillo?

00:42:56What the fuck did you do to him, babe?

00:42:58Did you fuck him up?

00:42:59He asks this with far too much glee, I think.

00:43:03He, I nod at Ricky,

00:43:05gave me some kind of partially insoluble fucking knockout drug.

00:43:08Thanks for that, by the way.

00:43:10Would have been nice to have a heads up that the shit would take like a month to dissolve.

00:43:14Jesus, says Ricky.

00:43:16Okay, look.

00:43:17Grab him and let's get the fuck out of here.

00:43:19Fuck that, says Tyler.

00:43:21Leave him.

00:43:22Let the fucker burn.

00:43:24My job is to bring the bad guys in,

00:43:26not burn them the fuck up.

00:43:28I reach out and touch Tyler's arm.

00:43:31Ty.

00:43:32He looks at me.

00:43:33He's right.

00:43:34We can't...

00:43:35Not like this.

00:43:36I gesture to the spreading flames,

00:43:39which are really spreading now.

00:43:41We seriously need to get the hell out of here.

00:43:44Tyler still seems unsure.

00:43:46Ricky says,

00:43:47Hey, if it makes you feel better,

00:43:50I'll never get you two past the gate without him.

00:43:52At this point, our best shot is to use him to keep us safe.

00:43:56You mean a human shield?

00:43:58Tyler says.

00:43:59I was thinking more like a negotiating tool, but sure.

00:44:03Know what?

00:44:04Let's just at least get the hell out of this burning room.

00:44:07Ricky goes to lift Carlos,

00:44:09but Tyler pushes him away and grabs Carlos up over his shoulders into a fireman's carry.

00:44:15And then he does something I've never seen him do.

00:44:18He winces.

00:44:19Like he's in pain.

00:44:21One hand grabs at his ribs.

00:44:24Babe?

00:44:25I say.

00:44:26You okay?

00:44:27Yep.

00:44:28He grunts.

00:44:29Too good.

00:44:31Then he winks and says to Ricky.

00:44:33Lead the way.

00:44:38Chapter 25

00:44:40Tyler

00:44:43Either this son of a bitch is heavier than he looks,

00:44:45or else Logan really did manage to put some work in on my ribs.

00:44:49Shit hurts.

00:44:50But no rest for the weary, as some asshole once said.

00:44:54I feel like old St. Nick himself,

00:44:56carrying a present for all the good girls and boys of the DEA.

00:45:00I realize that Matty has yet to get any active intel that helps shut down the operation,

00:45:04but if Carlos is in custody,

00:45:06then that leaves Logan to run things,

00:45:08and with that taint griddler in charge,

00:45:10I imagine they can bring down this show in about five minutes.

00:45:13St. Nick.

00:45:15Hmm.

00:45:16I wonder if that makes me St. Tyler.

00:45:18I like the ring of that.

00:45:20But the claws notwithstanding,

00:45:22most motherfuckers only achieve sainthood posthumously,

00:45:25so I don't know if I should be gunning for it so enthusiastically.

00:45:28Regardless, these are the thoughts running through my head

00:45:31to keep my mind off the amount of unexpected pain I'm in at the moment.

00:45:35We approach the first corner in the hallway,

00:45:37and Ricky peeks around to make sure the coast is clear.

00:45:40Just as a fire alarm goes off loud as fuck from wherever.

00:45:44Shit, says Ricky.

00:45:47And looking back, I see smoke billowing out of the room Matty lit up.

00:45:52I'm half stunned that she did it,

00:45:54and half super proud of her.

00:45:56But both of those feelings are overtaken by a much stronger one.

00:46:01Paralysis.

00:46:03Something about the smoke and the alarm and hauling this body.

00:46:08Nadir.

00:46:10The explosion that killed Nadir and the other guys wasn't the one that got me.

00:46:15I mean it was, but not exactly. It was like a chain event.

00:46:19Nadir and the other guys caught the first blast,

00:46:22and when I grabbed him and threw him over my shoulders

00:46:24to haul him out of the combat zone to a dust-off location,

00:46:28that's when I triggered the blast that nailed me.

00:46:31No one has ever come right out and said it,

00:46:33but I know that the reason I survived is because I was carrying him.

00:46:38His body acted as a mini-blast wall

00:46:42so that no heavy shrapnel hit my vital organs.

00:46:46I just know it.

00:46:48I was pinned down though, held there for however long.

00:46:52I don't know. It's just what they told me.

00:46:55It wasn't the blast itself that fucked me up so much as the fire, I guess.

00:47:00Nadir's charred body and whatever other burning shit was lying on me.

00:47:06I don't plan to ever tell Matty that stuff.

00:47:09And then, as if waking from a deep sleep, I hear the far-off sound of,

00:47:13Tyler?

00:47:15Matty's voice.

00:47:17And I blink myself back.

00:47:19Are you okay? She asks.

00:47:22The concerned look on her face breaks my heart.

00:47:25Yeah, yeah, fucking killing it.

00:47:27Locked, cocked, and ready to rock. Where's the party?

00:47:29And shit like that.

00:47:31I'm not sure how many tired macho wartime cliches I spew,

00:47:34but finally she just smiles, stands on her toes, and kisses my cheek.

00:47:38And then we're on the move again.

00:47:41Once we round the corner, Ricky throws his fist up.

00:47:44I am more than familiar with the signal to halt progress.

00:47:47Matty, not so much, and because she's glancing worriedly back at me,

00:47:51she kind of rams into Ricky.

00:47:53Why are we- she starts, but stops when she sees what Ricky sees.

00:47:57Four armed guards up ahead, all talking in Spanish and pointing in different directions.

00:48:02They haven't seen us yet.

00:48:04The alarm is blaring all over the place, but the fire appears to still be contained to the room.

00:48:09Although, at the rate it was spreading, that won't be true for long.

00:48:13Fuck, Carlos is getting heavy.

00:48:15I bounce to adjust him over my shoulders, and I can feel my ribs pinch.

00:48:19I try not to let it show on my face.

00:48:22The house slash hotel slash village slash wherever the fuck we are

00:48:26looks like a Mediterranean architect partied too hard with a Spanish-style interior designer

00:48:30and they threw up everywhere.

00:48:32So there's arches and alcoves and shit all over the place.

00:48:36Ricky pushes us inside one such alcove and says,

00:48:39Stay here.

00:48:41We step back, just out of eyesight from the hallway,

00:48:44and when Matty presses against me, it makes me forget for a second about all the pain

00:48:48and the weight of carrying Carlos and all of it,

00:48:51and Chucky Stiff says hi.

00:48:53Are you kidding me right now?

00:48:56Matty asks in response to the sensation of feeling my throbbing heart on,

00:48:59pressing against her ass.

00:49:01I shrug a, what are you going to do, shrug, and she rolls her eyes.

00:49:05Fuck, I love her so much.

00:49:07I slide past her so I can peer around the edge of the alcove and down the hall,

00:49:11and what I see is,

00:49:13well,

00:49:15it's some shit all right.

00:49:17Ricky approaches the four dudes speaking Spanish to them

00:49:21and then points back to where we are.

00:49:23I pull my head back into the shadows as they all look this way,

00:49:26but manage to keep one eye on the five of them.

00:49:29And what that one eye sees

00:49:32is some fucking next level super soldier nonsense.

00:49:36Ricky laughs and bends down like he's tying his boots,

00:49:40and when he pops back up, he's holding a fucking bush knife he pulled from an ankle sheath.

00:49:45He slices the throats of the two dudes standing next to him with one sweeping motion,

00:49:50stabs the next guy in the chest twice before he can move,

00:49:54then breaks the fourth dude's arm,

00:49:56pins him to the ground, and steps on his neck and snaps it.

00:50:00I can't believe I fucking knocked this guy out.

00:50:02Holy shit.

00:50:04He looks back, giving me the sign for,

00:50:06don't fucking move,

00:50:08runs out of sight for like twenty seconds,

00:50:10and then comes running back down the hall to where we are.

00:50:14Okay, he says, not even fucking winded.

00:50:17What you did may have worked.

00:50:19He addresses that to Maddie.

00:50:21What do you mean? she asks.

00:50:23I told the primary strike team that you and Carlos are missing,

00:50:26and that this wing is on fire.

00:50:28I directed half of them to go look for you and the rest to deal with the fire.

00:50:31But then, she starts.

00:50:33Ricky shakes his head.

00:50:35I directed them to run around the long way, told them this way was getting blocked off.

00:50:39Jesus, I say.

00:50:41That's pretty fucking thin.

00:50:44Yeah? says Mr. Super Soldier.

00:50:47Thin like starting a fucking fire?

00:50:49Or thin more like showing up at the compound of one of the five biggest drug traffickers in the world

00:50:53armed with nothing but a goddamn drone?

00:50:56Thin like those?

00:50:58Fair enough.

00:51:00Let's go. We got maybe five minutes, says Ricky.

00:51:03And then, we're on the move again.

00:51:10Chapter 26

00:51:12Maddie

00:51:15I can tell Tyler's in pain.

00:51:17I should have a million other concerns, but that's the one that's gnawing at me right now.

00:51:22I can see he's hurting, hauling Carlos along, and I hate it.

00:51:26I want to be able to heal him, make him well and whole and transport us out of here.

00:51:32But I can't.

00:51:34So, we keep on.

00:51:36Just as we get to a door that exits out into... wherever,

00:51:41Ricky stops.

00:51:43As soon as we get out of here, we may encounter some resistance.

00:51:46He looks at Tyler.

00:51:48Stay behind me with Carlos and Maddie.

00:51:50You stay on Tyler's six.

00:51:52I'm hoping if they see we've got their boss,

00:51:54we'll be able to get past the main gate and out of here without any shots being fired.

00:51:59Can't you call in the cavalry?

00:52:01Like, I don't know, air support or something?

00:52:03However shit works?

00:52:05I ask.

00:52:06He shakes his head.

00:52:08Again, almost nobody knows about this ob or that I'm here,

00:52:12and we can't trust the local cops.

00:52:14Besides, it's Christmas.

00:52:16So?

00:52:17DEA agents take holidays off and shit too, he says.

00:52:21Like it's the most obvious thing in the world.

00:52:23Jesus Christ.

00:52:25What they're celebrating, he says.

00:52:27Tyler laughs at that.

00:52:29I look at him under arched eyebrows.

00:52:32What? Shit was funny?

00:52:34Good for you, Ricky, super soldier.

00:52:36I didn't think you had a sense of humor.

00:52:38Why do I suddenly feel like I'm at a goddamned keg party?

00:52:43I've already called the one person I can call.

00:52:45She's arranging with the Mexican embassy to get a plane to pick us up at El Cipres.

00:52:50It's only about three clicks out.

00:52:52We just have to get there.

00:52:54Where's your car?

00:52:55Ricky asks Tyler.

00:52:57Tyler doesn't say anything, just stands there,

00:53:00shifting this still, unconscious Carlos around on his shoulders

00:53:04and trying to act like he isn't hurt in some way.

00:53:08Ty?

00:53:09I follow up.

00:53:10What's that now?

00:53:12He asks.

00:53:13Your car, Ty. Where's your car?

00:53:15He gnaws at his lower lip for a moment before saying,

00:53:19Uh, know how you just started a fire to create a distraction?

00:53:24Yeah?

00:53:25I mean, you aren't the only person who had that idea.

00:53:29He winces as he adjusts Carlos again.

00:53:32Dude, says Ricky.

00:53:34Was that your car they found burning across the road?

00:53:38Had to find a way to get the gate guard's attention.

00:53:41Tyler stares at the ground.

00:53:43Damn.

00:53:44Even with the muscles and the beard and bad attitude,

00:53:47sometimes Tyler Morgan can look like a five-year-old

00:53:50who just got caught drawing on the living room wall.

00:53:53Fuck me, Ricky says on side breaths.

00:53:58What is wrong with you two?

00:54:00Okay, whatever.

00:54:02I snap, no car, way it is.

00:54:04So, what do we do now?

00:54:06Ricky rubs the barrel of the gun he's still holding against his temple,

00:54:10which makes me nervous as hell.

00:54:12But I guess he's just thinking.

00:54:14When we walk out of here, we'll be at the fueling station.

00:54:18I've only been down here once before,

00:54:20but it was to pick up one of the trucks.

00:54:22It had the keys just sitting in the ignition.

00:54:25If we're lucky, that's protocol.

00:54:27And we'll grab one of those.

00:54:29Then what? I ask.

00:54:31Then we'll drive a big fucking fuel truck through the front gate

00:54:34and hope that we can get the hell out of here

00:54:36and to the airstrip before we're all caught and murdered.

00:54:39He doesn't say it with resounding confidence.

00:54:42He says it like it's the absolute worst of a very limited number of already bad options.

00:54:47But it's the only one we have left, so we have no choice.

00:54:51Or I guess we have the choice to just wait here to die.

00:54:55What about him? Tyler asks, bouncing Carlos and grimacing.

00:55:00We bring him with us, answers Ricky.

00:55:03What about the cops? I ask.

00:55:06LC Press is a military airport. We should be okay.

00:55:09Should? I ask, with still more mounting incredulity.

00:55:14Hey, fire starters!

00:55:16He shouts unexpectedly.

00:55:18This is what we got to work with!

00:55:21Tyler and I both mumble.

00:55:23Okay, yeah, sure, fine.

00:55:25In no particular order.

00:55:27Ricky nods.

00:55:28Tyler adjusts Carlos and scrunches up his face.

00:55:31And I wish all of a sudden I was wearing panties

00:55:34as we push open the door and head outside.

00:55:46I hope to fuck one of these trucks has keys in it

00:55:48because I don't know how much longer I can keep carrying this fucking guy.

00:55:51I mean, I do, as long as I have to, is the answer.

00:55:54But I'd love to let him go sooner than later.

00:55:57Nobody is immediately visible outside, so we gallop.

00:56:00They gallop, I lumber.

00:56:03By the fueling islands toward one of the trucks.

00:56:06This place is kind of amazing.

00:56:09If you didn't know it was owned by just one guy

00:56:11to operate his shitty criminal empire,

00:56:13you might think it was a small town all of its own.

00:56:16The fuel pumps are decorated with tinsel and lights and shit,

00:56:19just like it's any old gas station anywhere.

00:56:22They're probably about 50 feet away from me

00:56:24when they get to the nearest truck.

00:56:27Ricky jumps up into the cab and looks inside.

00:56:29Fuck, he shouts.

00:56:31Nope.

00:56:32He hops down and runs to another truck to keep looking.

00:56:35Maddie trails alongside him,

00:56:37her hair and dress blowing in the night breeze.

00:56:40She looks like something out of an old movie.

00:56:43Like Rita Hayworth in Gilda.

00:56:46Only instead of in black and white, she's in full living technicolor.

00:56:50And I have this thought.

00:56:53I'm going to marry this woman.

00:56:55Which is fucking nuts.

00:56:58We still have so much shit to work out,

00:57:00both between us and I have a feeling within ourselves.

00:57:03I don't know if she does, but I sure as hell do.

00:57:06We knew each other once,

00:57:08but there's so much filling in and catching up

00:57:10that still has to be done and we've barely started.

00:57:14I never thought in a million years

00:57:16I'd ever want to see somebody's dumb face

00:57:19every morning for the rest of my life, much less marry it.

00:57:23But I want to see her dumb face every second of every day forever.

00:57:29Because it's not dumb.

00:57:31It's perfect.

00:57:34And, oh yeah, we're trying to escape the clutches of a murderous drug lord

00:57:38and his army of men right now,

00:57:40so marrying somebody is the last thing that should be entering

00:57:43my stupid, broken, crazy, rambling, tortured thoughts.

00:57:47But it is.

00:57:49And just like when I thought of her when I set my apartment on fire,

00:57:53still haven't told her that.

00:57:54Again, lots to fill each other in on.

00:57:57Thinking of her and about her and marrying her

00:58:01gives me peace.

00:58:04Standing back watching her run around in the night

00:58:07looking for a way to find literally the key to our salvation,

00:58:12I can see nothing else.

00:58:16Which I also mean literally.

00:58:19Because if I had been paying attention,

00:58:21I might have seen the bat swinging toward me a beat sooner,

00:58:25and I might have been able to avoid it

00:58:27before it came crashing into my already bruised and breaking ribcage.

00:58:41We have to hurry.

00:58:43I hate that I say it the second it leaves my lips.

00:58:46Because it's the kind of thing dumb bitches say in movies and TV shows

00:58:50when some guy who's writing it thinks that it's what women say

00:58:53when they're panicked or whatever.

00:58:55But we do have to hurry.

00:58:56So fuck it.

00:58:58Finally, from inside the cab of the third truck Ricky checks,

00:59:02he turns back, holding a set of keys and shouts,

00:59:05Got it. Let's go.

00:59:07I breathe out the breath I didn't even realize I was holding

00:59:10and turn to Tyler to shout,

00:59:12Come on!

00:59:14But I don't actually get the words out because before I can,

00:59:17I see Logan, an insane look on his beaten face

00:59:21and what appear to be handcuffs with the chains hanging off them

00:59:24attached to his wrists,

00:59:26swinging a baseball bat hard at Tyler's ribs.

00:59:29It makes contact, and Tyler fights to stay standing,

00:59:33trying to keep Carlos on his shoulders, but he can't.

00:59:37He drops to his knees,

00:59:39letting him slide off and land on the ground beside him.

00:59:42It's almost like he's working to deliver Carlos

00:59:45daintily to the earth like a child being put into bed

00:59:48rather than just dropping him

00:59:50and letting his carcass crash down to the concrete.

00:59:53And I probably can't,

00:59:55but I think I can hear the sound of the bat

00:59:58making contact with Tyler's side

01:00:00all the way over by where I'm standing.

01:00:03I know I can't actually feel it

01:00:05since it isn't happening to me,

01:00:07except I can, and it is.

01:00:10Ty! I scream and start for him,

01:00:13but Ricky pulls me back,

01:00:15just in time too because I neglected to take into account

01:00:18the half dozen armed men with Logan,

01:00:21all of whom are now pointing assault rifles in our direction.

01:00:24Ricky drags me around behind the passenger side of the truck

01:00:27we have the keys for

01:00:29and presses my back against the tire.

01:00:31Do not fucking move, he says.

01:00:35And before I can say anything,

01:00:37he's pinned himself to the front fender,

01:00:39rifle at the ready,

01:00:41and is shouting at Logan.

01:00:43Hermano, no lo hagas.

01:00:45Fuck you, Logan shouts back in English.

01:00:48You fucking DEA dog, cockroach, rat motherfucker.

01:00:52So much for negotiating, I guess.

01:00:54And that's when the shooting starts.

01:00:57The sound of bullets hitting metal and echoing around

01:01:00makes it hard to even know where the shots are being fired from.

01:01:03I have no idea if Ricky has another gun,

01:01:06or more ammo or what,

01:01:08but it doesn't matter.

01:01:10It feels like the whole goddamned world is shooting at us right now.

01:01:13I cover my head, which is dumb, but I do it anyway,

01:01:16and peer around the truck tire

01:01:18to see if I can make out what's happening with Tyler.

01:01:21It's not good.

01:01:23He's curled up in a ball,

01:01:25but Logan is fucking wailing on him,

01:01:27and each strike he lands feels like a shot to my gut.

01:01:30My spirit.

01:01:32My heart.

01:01:33I want to help him.

01:01:35I want to race to him.

01:01:36I have to fight every instinct in my body

01:01:38that tells me to run and help.

01:01:41Fuck bitch, I don't know what to tell you.

01:01:43The devil.

01:01:44On Christmas.

01:01:45Awesome.

01:01:47Scarleton.

01:01:48Angel?

01:01:50Scarleton?

01:01:51What the hell?

01:01:52It's a hybrid of Scarlet and Madison.

01:01:55Not the point right now.

01:01:56Listen, you can't.

01:01:57You can't go.

01:01:58You'll do nothing but sacrifice yourself,

01:02:00and he'll still die.

01:02:02Shit, devil says.

01:02:04Feather Pussy and I might actually agree on something.

01:02:07But you know, self-preservation is my shit, so...

01:02:11I look at Tyler being beaten like Logan is a cruel child,

01:02:15and Tyler is a turtle he found,

01:02:17and I start crying.

01:02:19Not sobbing, just crying.

01:02:21Because the worst fucking thing in the world

01:02:25is watching somebody you love suffer

01:02:27and knowing that there isn't a single goddamned thing

01:02:30you can do about it.

01:02:32I know exactly what that feels like.

01:02:35Maddie?

01:02:36The angel says.

01:02:37What?

01:02:38I think.

01:02:39You could pray.

01:02:41What?

01:02:42That's me and the devil at the same time.

01:02:45Pray.

01:02:46To what?

01:02:48I silently scream.

01:02:49To who?

01:02:51It doesn't matter.

01:02:52Whoever.

01:02:53There are 3,500 different gods that people believe in around the world.

01:02:57Pick one.

01:02:58Or just pray to the universe.

01:03:00All prayer is the transference of your life energy out into the world.

01:03:04The world is nothing but energy.

01:03:06And you're part of it.

01:03:07And Tyler's part of it.

01:03:09And you two are powerful together.

01:03:11I know you can feel that.

01:03:13So just send your power and your energy in his direction

01:03:16and see what happens.

01:03:18This is the dumbest fucking shit I've ever heard.

01:03:21I'm not sure if that's me or the devil.

01:03:24Maybe, says the angel.

01:03:26But from where I'm sitting, chick,

01:03:28it looks like you're about out of moves.

01:03:31For fucks...

01:03:33I can't be sure, but it's possible a bullet

01:03:35may have just grazed the ground where I'm sitting.

01:03:38So, fuck it.

01:03:41I close my eyes.

01:03:42I try to tune out everything,

01:03:44which is impossible, but I give it my best shot.

01:03:47I don't even know how to start,

01:03:49or what to say,

01:03:50or who to say it to.

01:03:52So I just think of Tyler.

01:03:54I think of us as kids.

01:03:56I think of the scar that he gave me.

01:03:58And the selling smiles goldfish thing.

01:04:01And of summer vacations and birthday parties

01:04:03and Christmases all together.

01:04:05And I think of us now.

01:04:07And I imagine us in the future,

01:04:09old and wrinkled and holding each other's hands

01:04:11as we walk through the park.

01:04:13And old, wrinkly Tyler

01:04:15trying to slip his old, wrinkly hand

01:04:17down to touch my old, wrinkly ass.

01:04:20I really see it.

01:04:22I imagine it with all my might.

01:04:24I try to wish it into being

01:04:26with every bit of force and strength

01:04:28and mountain climber's will I have inside me.

01:04:31And that's when the explosion happens.

01:04:34Jesus Christ!

01:04:36Ricky shouts, falling backwards,

01:04:38pulling me with him and landing on top of me.

01:04:40What's happening?

01:04:42I scream.

01:04:43What the fuck happened?

01:04:44I don't know.

01:04:45Shit is raining down from the sky all around us.

01:04:48There's a massive eruption

01:04:50where one of the fuel pump islands was a second ago.

01:04:53And I can't see anyone shooting at us anymore

01:04:56because I can't see anything.

01:04:58Nothing but a raging wall of flames.

01:05:00Tyler!

01:05:02I scream.

01:05:03I think.

01:05:04I can't hear anything anymore.

01:05:06Not because of the explosion

01:05:08but because the whole world just ended

01:05:10and, as I know from science class,

01:05:12there's no sound when you're lost,

01:05:14floating endlessly in space.

01:05:16The angel is full of shit.

01:05:19She's been full of shit this whole time.

01:05:21Maybe everyone is and always has been,

01:05:24so why should she be any different?

01:05:26There is no God,

01:05:28no universal power that holds things together

01:05:30and makes shit make sense.

01:05:32There's no nothing.

01:05:34There is pain and suffering

01:05:36and the tearing away of everything you come to love

01:05:38and then it all just starts all over again.

01:05:41Not for me.

01:05:43Not anymore.

01:05:44I'm fucking done.

01:05:46I push Ricky off me,

01:05:48grab the rifle from his unsuspecting grip

01:05:50and stand and round the front of the truck,

01:05:53ready to walk through fire

01:05:55and kill everyone still standing on the other side.

01:05:58But I don't get the chance

01:06:00because of what happens next.

01:06:03And suddenly I can hear again

01:06:06but the only sound that makes its way into my eardrums

01:06:10is that of my own terrified voice still screaming,

01:06:15Tyler!

01:06:21Chapter 29

01:06:23Tyler

01:06:26I don't know why I don't just throw fucking Carlos to the ground.

01:06:30Some sort of impulse, I guess.

01:06:32Maybe I'm remembering Nadir again.

01:06:35I wouldn't let him just crash down

01:06:37so I don't let Carlos go either.

01:06:40Fucking feelings.

01:06:42It ain't easy.

01:06:44Logan's really going all in on this bat thing.

01:06:48Maybe he's working out unfulfilled dreams of being a major leaguer, who knows.

01:06:52All I know is that the shit hurts

01:06:54and I'm not sure how much more I can take.

01:06:57I get Carlos on the blacktop

01:06:59and I do the only thing I can do.

01:07:02I try to wait it out.

01:07:05One of two things will happen.

01:07:07Either Logan will get tired and quit

01:07:09or he'll break my back and kill me.

01:07:12There is a third thing, I guess.

01:07:14He could just get bored and shoot me in the head

01:07:16but my gut tells me at this point

01:07:18homeboy's way more interested in making me suffer for a while

01:07:20than he is in just killing me.

01:07:22Fuck!

01:07:23I find myself yelling.

01:07:25And not in a nice way.

01:07:27And that's when I glance over and catch a glimpse of Maddy.

01:07:30I see her poking her head from by the tire where Ricky has stashed her

01:07:34and for which I am grateful.

01:07:36I think I may have been wrong to mistrust the guy so much.

01:07:39Maybe he's not a bad dude after all.

01:07:41Fuck!

01:07:43And there's that bat again.

01:07:45Shit.

01:07:47I don't think I'm going to make it.

01:07:50I kind of laugh at that.

01:07:52In between getting hit

01:07:54and listening to the hellfire of bullets

01:07:56and whatever shit Logan's screaming at me in Spanglish.

01:08:01Of all the shit I've ever been through

01:08:04I never thought this would be the way I would die.

01:08:08In love, I mean.

01:08:11Because I never thought I would be in love.

01:08:14Just didn't seem like it was in the cards for me.

01:08:17But

01:08:19here I am.

01:08:21In love.

01:08:23And in big fucking trouble.

01:08:27It's okay.

01:08:29I don't mind.

01:08:31I'm not scared or anything, I'm just

01:08:34sad.

01:08:37Because I think I might actually have liked being happy.

01:08:41It didn't seem so bad.

01:08:44Some people change when they fall in love.

01:08:47I've seen it.

01:08:49Sometimes for better and sometimes for worse.

01:08:51But when it's right,

01:08:53when it works, when it's good,

01:08:55it doesn't change you.

01:08:57It makes you more

01:09:00you.

01:09:02It's like that with Evan now that he's with Robert.

01:09:05He's always been the best guy, but there's a

01:09:08light that shines off him now.

01:09:11I wonder if it was like that with me these last few weeks.

01:09:15Was I lighter?

01:09:17Was I a better version of myself?

01:09:20I think I was.

01:09:23I think I was.

01:09:26Yep.

01:09:28I can feel it coming.

01:09:31My old, battered, beaten, scarred, mangled body

01:09:35has served me well,

01:09:37but I don't think it's got a whole lot left to give here.

01:09:42I've always thought that the body was just a tool and

01:09:45that if the mind was willing, the body would find a way to

01:09:48push through whatever pain it was feeling and move on.

01:09:52But that's simply not true.

01:09:55If that was true, Scotty would be alive today.

01:09:59He had more will and strength of character than anybody I've ever known.

01:10:04His body just couldn't respond,

01:10:07and he had to let go.

01:10:10There's no shame in it.

01:10:12It's okay.

01:10:14I don't want to leave Maddie, especially since I just found her, but

01:10:18it's starting to look like I may not have a choice.

01:10:22All this whips through my mind in less than a fraction of a second,

01:10:25and as Maddie disappears behind the tire for safety,

01:10:28I decide that the only thing for me to do now is to try and

01:10:31transport my mind out of here so that my body can let it all happen

01:10:35and not feel guilty about it.

01:10:38And while I'm letting myself drift off, I will think of Maddie.

01:10:43I will think of her safety,

01:10:46and her protection,

01:10:48and her happiness,

01:10:50and her joy.

01:10:52I remember us as kids,

01:10:55birthday parties and holidays and Christmases.

01:10:59Way better ones than this one.

01:11:03And I think again about seeing her at peace for the first time,

01:11:07an angel fallen from wherever,

01:11:11because she is.

01:11:13She is to me.

01:11:17And I try to imagine her old, and happy, and over me.

01:11:23Maybe moved on with a new guy who can give her what she deserves.

01:11:28Someone who'll love her the way I wanted to.

01:11:33And I'll just become a footnote.

01:11:36A long forgotten someone that she knew for a little while

01:11:40and thought was kind of okay.

01:11:43Someone she saved.

01:11:45Someone she healed.

01:11:48Someone to whom she brought peace.

01:11:51And I can see that life for her.

01:11:54I see it in my mind as clearly as I see the blood I'm starting to cough up.

01:12:00And I know it's real.

01:12:03I know she's going to be all right.

01:12:06She'll be safe.

01:12:08She'll be saved.

01:12:11And if my life is the cost for that, so be it.

01:12:15I'm so, so, so very honored to be able to pay it.

01:12:21Thank you, angel.

01:12:23Thank you for everything.

01:12:26I'm sorry it all worked out this way.

01:12:29But it's okay.

01:12:31I love you.

01:12:33I'll see you again.

01:12:35And that's when the explosion happens.

01:12:38It's like a fireball exploding from somewhere deep inside the suddenly molten earth.

01:12:44It puts a hard stop to everything else that's happening right now.

01:12:48It blows both me and Logan back about ten feet.

01:12:51The shooters, too.

01:12:53It roils up and swoops over us like the devil himself is spitting at us in anger and frustration.

01:13:00Like he's pissed that we're disturbing his rest.

01:13:04Maybe he's just trying to wait for Santa, too.

01:13:07The flames are all around us.

01:13:09In both great sweeping waves and in tiny standalone puddles.

01:13:14What. The. Fuck. Just. Happened.

01:13:19Doesn't really matter, as two of the shooters have turned and started to run back into the house-slash-mansion-slash-hotel-slash-whatever-the-hell,

01:13:27but are confronted by billowing smoke.

01:13:30Huh.

01:13:31I guess Maddy's little decoy fire must have gotten out of control in there.

01:13:35Shooter 1 and Shooter 2 break left and take off around the side of the property and go running for the beach.

01:13:41The other shooters are burning alive.

01:13:44The flames catch them either by the rapid way it's creasing a path along the gas-soaked concrete

01:13:50or in tiny fireballs that continue to spark and shower down all around us.

01:13:55I can't see through the fire in front of me.

01:13:57I can't tell if Maddy is okay.

01:13:59I can't tell if Ricky is either, but I care a fuckton less about that.

01:14:03I can see that Carlos is still unconscious, lying right in the pathway of the spreading inferno.

01:14:09Logan is lying next to me, where we were blown back, and it looks like he's trying to stand up.

01:14:13I am, too.

01:14:15The difference is that his bat is resting next to me now,

01:14:19and I can take it up and use it as a staff to help me get to my feet.

01:14:22So I do.

01:14:24And look, it's not cool, and it's not classy, and I'm not super proud of it,

01:14:28but I bring it down hard one time on Logan's stomach, and he whines like the little twat blossom he is.

01:14:34And again, not proud or dignified, but it feels fuckin' good.

01:14:39What does not feel fuckin' good is everything inside my own body right now.

01:14:43But Carlos is still there, and...

01:14:46God damn it.

01:14:48I gotta fuckin' get him up before he's caught by this still-baffling eruption that keeps growing in our direction.

01:14:54I race over to get hands on him, but as I do, another eruption of fire sends me back.

01:14:58Where the fuck is this coming from?

01:15:01I go in again and manage to get my hands on his wrists.

01:15:05The screaming of the other guys who are being burned up is super distracting.

01:15:10I know it'll stop in a second, but for now, it's making it hard to focus.

01:15:15I turn my head for the briefest of seconds and see Logan, now unconscious,

01:15:19and realize that I'm probably not going to be able to get them both.

01:15:23It's wild.

01:15:25The fire has spread in almost like a semicircle around us.

01:15:29A literal ring of fire.

01:15:31Like the Johnny Cash song.

01:15:33I fell into a burning ring of fire.

01:15:36I went down, down, down, and the flames went higher.

01:15:40Only less fun.

01:15:42And without Johnny's sonorous baritone to bring it along.

01:15:46Nobody could get to us if they tried, and I don't see any way out of this except back towards the ocean,

01:15:50where I know for a fact guys with guns have just skedaddled.

01:15:54Or through the burning fucking ring of fire.

01:15:57And then I realize, this is like my dream.

01:16:02The dream.

01:16:05In that dream, I had to run through fire and burning flesh to reach my angel.

01:16:10But also, of course, in that dream, she blamed me for everything bad that had happened.

01:16:15Are Maddie and I through that yet?

01:16:18If I run through this, are we through with that?

01:16:22The suffering and the pain.

01:16:25Could this be the last trial for us?

01:16:28Shit, man.

01:16:30Let's fucking find out.

01:16:32I eeny, meeny, miny, moe it to decide if I'm going to try and drag Carlos or Logan out with me.

01:16:38Ultimately, Carlos wins, which is fair.

01:16:41Carlos is who Ricky wants to take down.

01:16:43Logan is just a dipshit I want to punch in the dick over and over.

01:16:47So I go in one last time and reach for Carlos.

01:16:50I get him, drag him up and, with an unreal amount of physical discomfort,

01:16:55I sling him over my shoulders and see if I can find even a sliver of something

01:16:59that looks like a way of egress through the flames.

01:17:03And I really wish I hadn't taken that extra second to try and figure it out.

01:17:07Because in that moment of hesitation, another explosion.

01:17:12I have no idea where this one emanates from, but it's a fucking doozy.

01:17:16It sends me back on my ass and causes me to drop the shit out of Carlos.

01:17:20I look up at the clear, starlit sky and begin howling with laughter.

01:17:26Yeah, it's weird, I know, but it's what I do.

01:17:29And then I look over and see that Carlos is now engulfed in fire.

01:17:35He's still out cold, so he doesn't know it, and I'm glad of that.

01:17:39Getting burned alive is...

01:17:42Well, there's no one on the planet who doesn't have an idea of how horrifying that is.

01:17:48Until you've seen it, there's no way to even begin to really understand, but...

01:17:54It's...

01:17:56It's bad.

01:17:59Am I sad that Carlos is leaving this mortal coil right now?

01:18:04Nah, not really.

01:18:07Just being real with myself.

01:18:09He was a bad dude, and the world would be a better place without him.

01:18:13Plus, he repeatedly terrified and hurt the woman I love, so...

01:18:16Yeah, fuck him.

01:18:18But am I glad he's being spared a painful death?

01:18:22Yeah, I suppose I am.

01:18:24Because... shit.

01:18:27I guess because there's enough suffering in the world, I don't know.

01:18:30I ain't no philosopher, I'm just me.

01:18:34But these are the thoughts I'm thinking as I watch him turn to ash.

01:18:38Logan, on the other hand, yeah, I wouldn't mind sticking around and watching that cocksucker get barbecued.

01:18:44But I have to see if Matty is still whole on the other side of this...

01:18:48Flame tsunami.

01:18:50Or whatever the fuck it is. I'm not thinking right and out of words.

01:18:54Oh, and also, I just realized that my shirt is on fire.

01:18:57So I need to get the fuck out of here.

01:19:00There's no way around it I can see, except to just go straight through.

01:19:04I don't know how deep the wall is because I can't see past it,

01:19:07and I don't know if by running straight ahead I'm just guaranteeing myself a grisly fucking end.

01:19:13But if Matty is there on the other side, then it'll be worth it.

01:19:18Because I don't know what waits for us down the line either.

01:19:22But I know the only way to find out about that is also by just running headlong into it.

01:19:28Shit.

01:19:30That world view got me this far.

01:19:33Whatever, motherfucker, you're on fire, make moves!

01:19:36Okay, on three. One, two...

01:19:39Oh, fuck it, go!

01:19:41And forward, into an unknown fate, I flamingly charge.

01:19:49Here. That's Ricky.

01:19:52He's holding a bottle of water and a Vicodin.

01:19:55I take the water, I wave off the Vicodin.

01:19:57You're gonna want something for the pain.

01:20:00You work for the DEA and you're giving me a Vicodin?

01:20:03It's not illegal.

01:20:05Yeah, well, maybe you guys should take a look at that.

01:20:07And anyway, I'm gonna try and lay off the scripts for a while and see how I do.

01:20:12Okay, he says.

01:20:14But you should probably get x-rays when you get home.

01:20:18X-ray sex-rays, I say.

01:20:21Which doesn't make sense, but makes Matty smile.

01:20:24We'll be at McCarran pretty soon if you guys want to try and sleep.

01:20:27I wave that off, too.

01:20:29I'll sleep when I'm dead.

01:20:32There are so many different ways everybody could respond to that that nobody says anything.

01:20:38How much trouble are you in? I ask him.

01:20:41Ricky shakes his head, takes a sip of his own water.

01:20:45Dunno.

01:20:47Brought in an untrained civilian to a deep cover-up.

01:20:50Burned down the estate of our target while simultaneously allowing him to suffer a fatal injury,

01:20:54thereby totally sandbagging years of work and millions and millions of taxpayer dollars?

01:21:00If I was a congressman, I'd say I'd get off scot-free,

01:21:03but I'm just the guy putting his life on the line every day, so...

01:21:07Probably pretty fucked.

01:21:09We'll find out.

01:21:11He smiles.

01:21:12He should smile more.

01:21:14It's nice.

01:21:16Well...

01:21:17Sorry, I say.

01:21:19It's all good, he says back.

01:21:22He's wrong.

01:21:23It's nowhere near all good, but I get it.

01:21:27Emily, Ricky's little sorority cohort, comes walking down the aisle of the Cessna.

01:21:32Agent Martinez, the assistant director is on the phone for you.

01:21:36Ricky raises his eyebrows at me.

01:21:39Yep.

01:21:40Guess we'll find out, he sort of sings, and then heads to the front of the plane to take his call.

01:21:46As he passes by Emily, their fingers touch.

01:21:49I think.

01:21:51Pretty sure.

01:21:52Not a hundred percent, but...

01:21:54Whatever.

01:21:55That's them.

01:21:57You doing okay?

01:21:59That's Emily, asking Maddie.

01:22:02Maddie nods, Emily gives her a small grin, gives me one, and heads toward the cockpit herself.

01:22:07Maddie and I are facing each other.

01:22:10I've taken a few chartered flights.

01:22:13The facing each other thing is like my favorite part, I don't know why.

01:22:16Feels old-timey.

01:22:18Like you're on the Orient Express or something.

01:22:20Except you're in the sky, and usually there isn't some mysterious murder to solve.

01:22:25Usually.

01:22:27Maddie's sitting back, looking out the window.

01:22:30It's still dark out, it won't be light for a couple more hours, so she's basically only seeing her reflection.

01:22:35I can't blame her.

01:22:37If I saw that in the mirror looking back at me, I'd look at it all the time.

01:22:42What you thinking about, I ask.

01:22:45She turns her head to me, leans in, takes my hand in hers, looks at our intertwined fingers, smiles.

01:22:54Nothing, she says.

01:22:57She's still wearing my watch.

01:23:00Nadir's watch.

01:23:02What time is it, I ask.

01:23:05She glances at it.

01:23:08I don't know, she says.

01:23:10It stopped.

01:23:11Really?

01:23:12I look at it.

01:23:13She's right.

01:23:15It did.

01:23:17It seems like it stopped almost exactly three hours ago.

01:23:22Would have been right around the time I was trying to save Carlos.

01:23:26I think.

01:23:28Honestly, I'm not sure.

01:23:31I decide not to think about it too much.

01:23:34Instead, I just hold her hand in mine and decide that the only thing I'm going to think about is this moment.

01:23:43This one.

01:23:45Right here.

01:23:47Right now.

01:23:49In the present.

01:23:53Chapter 30.

01:23:56Maddie.

01:23:59What I saw when he came charging through that curtain of flame was impossible.

01:24:04It was terrifying.

01:24:06It was in competition to become the worst moment of my life.

01:24:10Because there was simply no way he could survive.

01:24:13The fire was too out of control.

01:24:16The burning wall too thick to break through.

01:24:18The wrath of the inferno too savage to overcome.

01:24:21But he did.

01:24:23He did break through.

01:24:24He did overcome.

01:24:26He just ripped off the burning shirt he was wearing, smacked it on his legs to put it out, ran over to me and said,

01:24:33Hi.

01:24:35Tyler fucking Morgan.

01:24:37And so, I don't know how to tell him that what I'm thinking about now is that I prayed for him.

01:24:45Not to any god or spirit or whatever, but for him.

01:24:49For him and me.

01:24:51For us.

01:24:52And that it may just have worked.

01:24:55I don't tell him because I don't know if I believe it myself.

01:24:58It's too out there to be believed.

01:25:01If I tell him that I was imagining us old and together and still in love and...

01:25:06Nope.

01:25:07Not gonna say it.

01:25:08It's weird.

01:25:09It's crazy.

01:25:10And we've had enough weird and crazy, so I'm just gonna let this shit sit for now.

01:25:13I do have a question, though.

01:25:16Ty?

01:25:17Yeah, babe?

01:25:18That explosion.

01:25:20The fire.

01:25:21Yeah?

01:25:22What was that?

01:25:24He takes a sip of his water and nods his head back and forth.

01:25:27He winces a bit.

01:25:29I don't give a shit whether he wants it or not, he's getting fucking x-rays.

01:25:34Yeah.

01:25:35Yeah.

01:25:36Yeah.

01:25:37Tyler?

01:25:38Yeah.

01:25:39I don't know.

01:25:40I've been trying to figure it out.

01:25:41I don't know.

01:25:42Well, we were standing on top of that whole fueling thing.

01:25:46Maybe one of the bullets started a...

01:25:48He shakes his head.

01:25:50Nope.

01:25:51Come on, babe.

01:25:52You've never seen Mythbusters?

01:25:54No, what's that?

01:25:56Show on TV.

01:25:57Fucking awesome.

01:25:58But no, that's bullshit.

01:26:00Movies and shit when something gets blown up by getting shot?

01:26:03No way.

01:26:04There's oxygen and surface area and heat diffusion and...

01:26:08No, not possible.

01:26:10Okay, so what caused that?

01:26:12I have no earthly idea.

01:26:14I've been studying this shit my whole life,

01:26:16and I was thinking maybe the fire you started inside might have somehow done something to a fuel line

01:26:21that, in turn, was connected to the fuel reserves under the filling station, but...

01:26:26I don't know.

01:26:27None of it makes sense.

01:26:29Sure did blow the fuck up, though.

01:26:31Yeah, sure did.

01:26:33I look back out the window to reflect on this, but I find that I can't.

01:26:39And you saw Carlos die?

01:26:41He nods.

01:26:42Was it...

01:26:43Don't, babe.

01:26:44He interrupts.

01:26:45It's...

01:26:46Don't.

01:26:47He's gone.

01:26:48And no, honestly, it wasn't that bad.

01:26:50I can say with absolute confidence that he didn't feel it, okay?

01:26:54I nod absently.

01:26:56Then...

01:26:57Logan?

01:26:58Tyler sighs.

01:27:00Uh...

01:27:01I didn't see him... go.

01:27:03But he was unconscious, and then it was all spreading his way, and...

01:27:07I don't know what to tell you, Mats.

01:27:09I was on fire and shit.

01:27:11I wasn't at my clearest level of thinking, but the point is, even if he somehow survived,

01:27:16which there's no way he did, it's done.

01:27:19This chapter of your life is over, okay?

01:27:22I promise.

01:27:23I nod, a bit less than certain.

01:27:26He leans forward and takes my hands again, wincing the whole time.

01:27:30You're getting a goddamned X-ray!

01:27:32Okay, whatever, fine, just listen.

01:27:35He looks into my eyes and holds my gaze.

01:27:38We are going to leave the past in the past, okay?

01:27:41And I mean all of it.

01:27:42New Year's is less than a week away, yeah?

01:27:45Okay, so I'm giving us exactly six days to take care of any unresolved bullshit that we need to take care of,

01:27:51so that we can start the new year fresh and ready for whatever's next.

01:27:55Oh, you're giving us six days?

01:27:58Like, that's what you're doing?

01:28:00Is that, like, an order, or...

01:28:03Don't be a dick.

01:28:04He slaps at my knee.

01:28:05You know what I mean.

01:28:07There's some shit I gotta handle, and I wanna get it out of the way and be done.

01:28:11And if you can too, then... super.

01:28:14But hey, look, if you wanna keep being kinda miserable, be my guest.

01:28:18It's a good look on you.

01:28:20I grin.

01:28:21Fucker.

01:28:22Then I reach up and tug at his beard.

01:28:25This?

01:28:26Is this one of the things we're putting behind us?

01:28:29Because I would be more than happy to see this shit gone.

01:28:32What?

01:28:33Are you crazy?

01:28:34I can't shave that.

01:28:35I'm like Samson.

01:28:36My strength is in my beard.

01:28:38Yeah, well, then, I may just have to Delilah the shit out of you while you sleep.

01:28:44Damn, you is a cold woman.

01:28:47I laugh, lean forward, pressing onto his knees to support myself,

01:28:52and give him a long, well-earned kiss on his silly mouth.

01:28:56Then I sit back and look out the window again.

01:28:59I start giggling a little.

01:29:00I can't help it.

01:29:02What?

01:29:03What is it?

01:29:04He asks.

01:29:05And now my giggle turns into a chuckle, and my chuckle into a laugh,

01:29:09and before I know it, I'm full-on belly-laughing and snorting,

01:29:13which makes him laugh too.

01:29:15Ow.

01:29:16Ow!

01:29:17He says, laughing and holding his ribs.

01:29:19Stop.

01:29:20It hurts.

01:29:21What are you laughing at?

01:29:23I let the laughter slow to a snicker again.

01:29:26Breathe in.

01:29:27Let it out.

01:29:28Take a long look at him and say,

01:29:30I don't know.

01:29:31I was just thinking, if this was Christmas,

01:29:34I can't wait to see what fresh hell New Year's Eve is going to bring.

01:29:39As it leaves my lips, we both crack up all over again,

01:29:43and as Tyler grabs at his side and begs me to stop making him laugh,

01:29:47I smile a big smile, glance out the window one more time,

01:29:52and quietly whisper to whatever mysterious force controls the universe,

01:29:57You know I'm only joking, right?

01:30:28Take a quick moment to rate and review it on Audible

01:30:31so we know we're bringing you audiobooks you'll love.

01:30:36End of book shit.

01:30:38Julie.

01:30:42We're three joint EOBSs in,

01:30:44and Jonathan hit this one out of the park, yes.

01:30:47I loved it when he sent it to me.

01:30:49We kind of came up with the vague idea of doing these on hope and salvation,

01:30:53and since his is filled with thoughts of hope,

01:30:55I'll fill mine with thoughts of salvation,

01:30:58because that's really what this book was about.

01:31:01Maddie was after revenge, and I get it.

01:31:03I think everyone gets it.

01:31:05We've all wanted revenge at one time or another in our lives.

01:31:08But I think back on the one time I really did get revenge,

01:31:11and how it all happened,

01:31:13and it was really nothing more than karma, you know?

01:31:16You reap what you sow, plain and simple.

01:31:19I felt vindicated when all was said and done,

01:31:21but I didn't put anything in motion to get that result.

01:31:24It all just kind of played out.

01:31:26The desire for revenge usually happens like this.

01:31:29You decide to trust someone.

01:31:31You let down your guard.

01:31:33You give them the benefit of the doubt,

01:31:34and figure since you play by the rules, everyone else does too.

01:31:37And then they go and do something really mean,

01:31:40which, and this is the worst part,

01:31:43you weren't really expecting because you trusted them.

01:31:46So they did something really nasty,

01:31:48something that just hurt you in your core,

01:31:50and they won.

01:31:51Whatever that prize was that they were after, that you had,

01:31:54because let's face it, some people like to take instead of earn,

01:31:58they got it in the end.

01:32:00Which is what really hurts,

01:32:01that this person you loved or trusted or cared for

01:32:03decided you were worth less to them

01:32:06than the object of their desire.

01:32:09It's sobering.

01:32:10It's also debilitating,

01:32:12and so this is how revenge pulls you in, right?

01:32:15You think, maybe I can get back what I lost.

01:32:19But if you lost that thing because they took it from you,

01:32:21then fuck it, right?

01:32:23You earned it once, you can earn it again.

01:32:26It's far easier to just let go.

01:32:28I'd love to tell you my amazing revenge story,

01:32:31but I'm not gonna,

01:32:32because the people involved don't deserve a place in my EOBS.

01:32:36I will tell you this,

01:32:37it was quite diabolical,

01:32:39but I swear to God, I really had nothing to do with it.

01:32:42It was all karma.

01:32:43So when I finally realized it actually was revenge,

01:32:46it felt pretty good.

01:32:47But more importantly, it was freeing,

01:32:49because I didn't do it on purpose.

01:32:51It kind of made me feel like good triumphs over evil,

01:32:54and as long as I can stay on my true path,

01:32:56be honest, and do my best, it'd be okay.

01:32:59Even though in real life,

01:33:00it's the liars and the cheats who seem to win the most.

01:33:03I will tell you this as well,

01:33:04I think if I let myself go down a path of revenge,

01:33:07I'd turn into a really terrible person,

01:33:10because I think I'm capable of a lot more

01:33:12than people give me credit for,

01:33:13and not in a good way.

01:33:15I think if I wanted to fuck someone's life up,

01:33:17I could.

01:33:18Pretty fucking bad too.

01:33:20And I'd get away with it.

01:33:22It would all be legal.

01:33:24I'm just kind of twisted like that.

01:33:26So I keep that part of me restrained to book plots.

01:33:29So Maddie lost something she cared about.

01:33:31Carlos and Logan not only took Pete from her,

01:33:34but Pete as well,

01:33:35but on a deeper level,

01:33:36what they really took was the tenuous peace

01:33:39she found at the strip club and with Pete.

01:33:42They rocked her world in the worst possible way,

01:33:45and she wanted payback with a capital P.

01:33:48But I don't think she got payback at all.

01:33:50I think she got salvation.

01:33:52I think back on my revenge,

01:33:53and I think I got salvation as well,

01:33:55because that outcome was the first step

01:33:58in letting go of people who were holding me down

01:34:00and allowed me to move forward.

01:34:01I think a win every now and then is important,

01:34:04and that's what Maddie's looking for in this story.

01:34:06She just needed a win.

01:34:07And even though this is cliche,

01:34:09I'm going to say it anyway,

01:34:10winning isn't everything.

01:34:11Winning means you achieve something,

01:34:13maybe the highest something,

01:34:14but unless your life is over after that win,

01:34:17there's still something more to achieve.

01:34:19Maddie made some dubious choices for sure,

01:34:22but not because of the devil on her shoulder,

01:34:24just because she was lost.

01:34:26And that's what the next and final book is about,

01:34:29Maddie and Tyler finding their peace.

01:34:31Also, and this is the true point of the AOBS,

01:34:34salvation comes from forgiveness.

01:34:36Maddie didn't need to forgive Carlos or Logan,

01:34:39so that wasn't her problem.

01:34:40Yeah, they were assholes and they did bad things,

01:34:43but they weren't dragging her down,

01:34:44she was dragging herself down.

01:34:46So she needed to forgive herself, not them.

01:34:49And once you can forgive yourself for not being perfect,

01:34:51it's like a whole new world opens up,

01:34:53because once you let go of the idea

01:34:55that you have to be perfect,

01:34:56you allow yourself to make mistakes.

01:34:58And when you allow yourself to make mistakes,

01:35:01you learn things.

01:35:02I wrote a blog post about imposter syndrome last December.

01:35:06It was part of my top five tips for authors

01:35:08that I was doing on my website.

01:35:10And I said in that post that I never felt like an imposter

01:35:12as a fiction writer, even though I have no training.

01:35:15I never took a writing class,

01:35:16and even though I have two college degrees,

01:35:18they were in science, not writing,

01:35:19or English for literature.

01:35:21But before I wrote fiction, I wrote non-fiction.

01:35:24And that was all science stuff,

01:35:25which is my thing, right?

01:35:28It was workbooks for kids on things like anatomy and physics

01:35:31and the life cycle of a butterfly.

01:35:33And when I wrote that stuff,

01:35:35interestingly enough, I did feel like an imposter,

01:35:37even though I had two science degrees

01:35:39and one of them was a master's.

01:35:41So when I published these,

01:35:43I was self-published even back then,

01:35:45I'd be so stressed out about making typos

01:35:47because I would be judged.

01:35:49I didn't have an editor.

01:35:50There was no way I could afford an editor back then.

01:35:53So everything that went out was all on me.

01:35:56I felt like a reflection on me as a person,

01:35:59and my brain too, because it was non-fiction.

01:36:03So I was being judged on my actual knowledge

01:36:06and what I knew of the natural world.

01:36:08And every once in a while I'd find a typo after I published

01:36:11and it would stress me out pretty bad.

01:36:13I'd feel stupid and small and quickly fix it

01:36:16before anyone noticed

01:36:17and sent me an email telling me I needed an editor.

01:36:20But after a while I realized,

01:36:22you know what?

01:36:23I'm not fucking scholastic, okay?

01:36:25I'm not some big textbook company.

01:36:28I'm not a fucking single mom working from home

01:36:30just trying to pay the bills.

01:36:31But once I cut myself some slack

01:36:33and allowed myself to be imperfect,

01:36:35I felt a whole lot better about things.

01:36:38I did better work.

01:36:39Letting go of the imposter feeling

01:36:41and allowing myself to make typos in a finished product

01:36:44actually led me to making better courses

01:36:47and spending that time learning new things.

01:36:49So by the time I got to writing fiction,

01:36:51most of that imposter bullshit was in the past.

01:36:54I know I have some typos in my books,

01:36:56maybe not the series.

01:36:57Jonathan is much better at finding typos than I am.

01:37:00But in my solo books, they're there.

01:37:02I have an editor and I have proofers, but again,

01:37:04I am not Random House.

01:37:06I am not Simon & Schuster.

01:37:07I am not HarperCollins.

01:37:09I'm Jay Huss.

01:37:10Just one person,

01:37:12sitting out here in the middle of nowhere Colorado

01:37:14doing my thing.

01:37:15I do my best to catch all the typos,

01:37:17but I choose to spend my time writing stories

01:37:19instead of pretending I'm perfect.

01:37:21And I think that's part of my success, to be honest.

01:37:25What good are perfectly spelled words

01:37:27if the story sucks?

01:37:29I have never felt like an imposter as a storyteller

01:37:32because I don't think storytelling and editing

01:37:34have much to do with each other.

01:37:36Yes, everyone wants a clean manuscript,

01:37:38but there's an acceptable level of imperfection

01:37:41allowed in my work and that's all there is to it.

01:37:43So back to Maddie and her issues.

01:37:45The other half of her problem was that

01:37:47she attributed all her failures to herself.

01:37:50She blamed herself for everything when in truth,

01:37:52sometimes things just happen.

01:37:54Both good and bad.

01:37:56Sometimes shit just happens

01:37:58and there's nothing you can do about it

01:38:00except roll with the punches.

01:38:02Sure, she has to take some responsibility,

01:38:04but when you blame yourself for all the bad things in life,

01:38:07you miss out on the bigger picture.

01:38:09Which is, which is,

01:38:11you are here to learn something,

01:38:12something about yourself,

01:38:14something about people,

01:38:15or about the world around you.

01:38:17And you can do that a million different ways.

01:38:19You can help people, you can go to school,

01:38:21you can be a teacher, you can become a doctor,

01:38:24you can become a scientist,

01:38:25you can write books,

01:38:26you can raise kids,

01:38:27you can take care of your elderly parents,

01:38:29you can cook new things,

01:38:31you can go new places,

01:38:32you can take pictures,

01:38:33or draw,

01:38:34or play music,

01:38:35or make jokes,

01:38:36or analyze movies,

01:38:37or be a motivational speaker,

01:38:38or help.

01:38:39Just drive a different fucking way to work every week.

01:38:42There's an endless number of ways to learn.

01:38:45But the best way to learn is to make mistakes.

01:38:47I think back on my success,

01:38:49and you know what I remember most?

01:38:50All the times I fucked it up.

01:38:52And you know why I remember those times the best?

01:38:55Because in fucking up, I learned something new.

01:38:58How to do better next time, hopefully.

01:39:00But also, that there is a next time.

01:39:04I think back on my biggest successes in books,

01:39:06and I have no clue why those books sold so well.

01:39:09Like, none.

01:39:10But you know what I remember about the books that didn't sell well?

01:39:13All the mistakes I made,

01:39:14so I can try and fix them the next time.

01:39:16And in making mistakes and fixing things,

01:39:18you realize who you are as a person.

01:39:20You cultivate a story about what it means to be you.

01:39:23What you want, and how to get there.

01:39:25Which was how Maddie saved herself.

01:39:28This book is all about accepting herself for who she is,

01:39:31and allowing herself to move forward.

01:39:33It wasn't about kicking Logan's ass and taking Carlos down.

01:39:36It wasn't about allowing Kyler back into her life.

01:39:39It wasn't her quest for the perfect business.

01:39:41It was her quest for self that saved her.

01:39:44What it actually meant to be Maddie Clayton.

01:39:46That's why she agreed to put herself in danger.

01:39:49She didn't do it for revenge.

01:39:51She did it because she couldn't live with herself.

01:39:53But she looked the other way and left the mess for someone else to clean up later.

01:39:57Taking responsibility for something you don't have to, but need to.

01:40:01And forgiving yourself for the mistakes you've made is what leads to salvation.

01:40:05She learned she had limits.

01:40:07She had courage.

01:40:08She had convictions.

01:40:10And she came to understand the most important lesson of all.

01:40:14It's not the typos that define you.

01:40:17It's the story.

01:40:20J. Huss, 3, 1918

01:40:26End of book shit.

01:40:28Jonathan

01:40:31Let's talk about hope for a second.

01:40:35I once had someone tell me that it seemed cruel to encourage patients with severe spinal injuries,

01:40:42paraplegics notably, to believe that they could walk again.

01:40:47This turned into a broader conversation about chronic illness, terminal illness, and the like.

01:40:53The position being offered to me was that to encourage someone

01:40:56with virtually zero odds of recovery from injury or malady

01:41:00to believe that they could return to full form was just giving them false hope.

01:41:05For the purposes of what I'm talking about here,

01:41:07I'll choose to overlook the notion that recovery is in and of itself a fallacy.

01:41:13Moments once passed cannot be recovered,

01:41:16nor can one retrieve one's health, youth, or previous state of mind.

01:41:21Whatever form one currently occupies is one's full form,

01:41:25and to resist the given circumstances of a state of being is to exist in conflict with that state,

01:41:30which further reinforces individual suffering.

01:41:33But I digress.

01:41:35Here was my argument in return.

01:41:38All hope is false hope.

01:41:42So why not just choose to believe?

01:41:45By which I mean that until something is proven true, or happens, it isn't real.

01:41:52So relative to the now, there is no likely future.

01:41:56It simply doesn't exist.

01:41:58I mean, I hope I get to the end of this sentence, but there are no guarantees.

01:42:02Oh, good. I did get to the end of it. Nice. I'll keep going then.

01:42:06And so, given that lack of even the vaguest possibility

01:42:12that we can know what's going to happen as time continues passing,

01:42:15why not just choose to believe that the future can be the thing you want it to be?

01:42:22Because if you can grasp hold of that belief,

01:42:25you stand a chance of making the now a little more tolerable.

01:42:31Here's where it gets tricky.

01:42:33You also have to let go of the now.

01:42:37You have to see this moment as just an ephemeral blink of the universe's eye

01:42:41that has absolutely nothing to do with you.

01:42:45Not take whatever is happening personally,

01:42:47and move on to whatever the next moment is that also has nothing to do with you.

01:42:53And this goes both ways.

01:42:54If you are sad now, but have been happy before,

01:42:57there is a reasonable chance that you will find cause to become happy once again.

01:43:02Obviously, the inverse is also true.

01:43:05Joy and suffering are byproducts of the thoughts we think.

01:43:10And the thoughts we think are just tools we use.

01:43:15If the tools you are using are not accomplishing the job you want them to accomplish,

01:43:19you may want to investigate getting new tools.

01:43:23Note.

01:43:25I grew up in a home with a mentally ill parent.

01:43:28My mother is a diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic who also suffers from bipolar disorder,

01:43:33and potentially a whole other raft of issues.

01:43:35Hard to know for sure, as mental illness creates a paradigm

01:43:39in which it's tough to determine what is an accompanying illness

01:43:42and what is just a fabrication of the prevailing illness.

01:43:45But my point is that my mother is simply not equipped with enough working tools

01:43:51to make the repairs on herself we would all like for her.

01:43:54And she's also not really in a position to acquire new tools.

01:43:57So my whole premise is based on a certain foundational assumption of mental ability and capacity.

01:44:05But even in bringing up the idea of my mom, I can tie it to the concept of hope.

01:44:10Because for years I hoped that there was some way she would get better

01:44:17or return to some version of the mother I vaguely remember from when I was very young,

01:44:23before she became recognizably ill.

01:44:26And the hope that she would drove me fucking crazy.

01:44:31Because it wasn't actually hope. It was desire.

01:44:35I desired that she would become different, or function differently, or behave differently.

01:44:40And I desired that because it would make me feel more comfortable.

01:44:44Which is fine, of course. I was a kid and shit.

01:44:47I hadn't yet worked out all the ways I think about things.

01:44:49But as I became an adult, I still held on to some of the feelings I had about what I wanted

01:44:54until I began to accept that it just wasn't going to work out the way I wanted it to.

01:45:02And that was when I changed my perception of what I hoped for.

01:45:06I began to hope instead for little things.

01:45:10Like, I hoped that if I got her on the phone on this day,

01:45:14that she would be having a good day, without torment and at peace.

01:45:18Or hell, forget a good day, even that she would have a good couple of moments.

01:45:23And I hoped this for her, obviously, but I also still hoped it for me.

01:45:28There is a certain level of self-interest that is actually required in being a compassionate person.

01:45:34As they say, put on your own oxygen mask first, before helping others.

01:45:40The characters in these books are driven by hope.

01:45:43They don't realize it, of course, but they are.

01:45:46As are we all.

01:45:48If we weren't, we would just give up.

01:45:51In whatever way you take that to mean, stop getting out of bed, quit our jobs, commit suicide, whatever.

01:45:57I realize there is an argument to be made that sometimes we just keep moving forward by habit and momentum,

01:46:02and there's no hope to be found.

01:46:05But I would argue in return, that just because you don't feel hopeful, doesn't mean it isn't baked in.

01:46:12In the climax of this book, when things look bleak for Tyler and Maddie,

01:46:16ultimately, it is their hope that gets them through.

01:46:20That they are saved from death is not the point.

01:46:24It's that both of them, in that moment, give over to a certain kind of acceptance,

01:46:28while at the same time hoping for the outcome they desire.

01:46:33Their acceptance looks different to each of them, but their hope is the unifying force that keeps them going.

01:46:39In the first book, Sin With Me, there is the sentence, fear implies hope.

01:46:46Tyler thinks that in the first chapter, meaning, of course, that if you feel afraid,

01:46:50it's due in part to the fact that you are still hopeful,

01:46:54that whatever is threatening you won't harm you, or kill you, or harm or kill someone or something you love.

01:47:01His presumption is that once you've given up hope, you no longer have to feel afraid.

01:47:08But what he hadn't learned yet, is that acceptance and hope are not mutually exclusive.

01:47:14You can accept the reality of a negative circumstance and still remain hopeful that the circumstance can change.

01:47:21Same goes for Maddie.

01:47:23She struggles in the first couple of books because of how much she's hoping for a better life,

01:47:27but the struggle isn't born of the hope, it's born of her lack of acceptance of where she is then.

01:47:35She struggles, he fights, but they are both just hoping for peace.

01:47:40In this book, we hope we have brought these two that much closer to it.

01:47:47As for my own hopes, they are many.

01:47:51But as relates to you and me, dear listener, my dear listener,

01:47:56when I took this project on with Julie, I hoped very much that we would wind up making something

01:48:02that might accomplish a couple of things.

01:48:04One, I wanted to write stories that people would want to read.

01:48:10Two, I wanted to try and say something about the world and our place in it.

01:48:15It seems to me that romance is kind of the perfect platform to try and achieve both of those goals.

01:48:20Romance readers are, by and large, excited and enthusiastic to get their hands on new stories.

01:48:27If you've gotten this far, presumably you are one of those enthusiastic readers.

01:48:31And stories of love, happiness, and hope are the ones that I'm interested in telling.

01:48:38I realize that what Julie and I are doing with this series is both in keeping with norms of the genre

01:48:45and at the same time somewhat apart from those norms.

01:48:48And I also realize that as a result we may put off some readers.

01:48:53But I hope that anyone who discovers these books will find in them something that is special

01:49:00or identifiable or meaningful.

01:49:03I hope that anyone who reads these books will either love them or hate them

01:49:10because indifference to art is, in my opinion, the greatest of all creative tragedies.

01:49:17I hope that therefore we have created a reaction in you that is strong and affecting

01:49:25and that stays with you after the last word has been tucked away

01:49:29in that magnificent toolbox you keep inside your head.

01:49:33I hope you'll return with us for the fourth book to see what becomes of Tyler and Maddie

01:49:38as they continue on their journey.

01:49:41And for you, I hope good deeds, a life as free from suffering as is possible,

01:49:49and kindness and compassion accompany you on your own journey

01:49:53as long and as far as that journey may take you.

01:49:59Hopefully.

01:50:01J.M.

01:50:0312th of March, 2018.

01:50:11Audible hopes you have enjoyed this program.

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