… Into Fire Audiobook part 3/4

AUDIOLIBRARY

… Into Fire Audiobook part 3/4 Best Seller Romance Audiobook

Transcript

00:00:00I thought this was about Pete, Carlos says, calm, cool.

00:00:05It is, I say, because Pete pulled me off Logan, saved his life, I think.

00:00:11Because I was done at that point, done with him and his threats,

00:00:15done with him showing up at my work to watch me strip and offer me money to show him my pussy.

00:00:20Yeah, bingo.

00:00:23Carlos stands up and overturns his plate, too.

00:00:27But then he just stands there, huffing air, glaring at his nephew.

00:00:31If he was a cartoon, steam would be coming out his ears.

00:00:35And I was gonna kill him, I continue, because why the fuck not?

00:00:40The devil was right, gotta be real or he'll see through me.

00:00:44So I have to apologize for that, and thank Pete for taking control of me.

00:00:49Otherwise, you'd probably have killed me, right?

00:00:52I mean, often your nephew would be bad, I get it.

00:00:56So I owe Pete my life, I guess.

00:00:59Dead silence, everyone.

00:01:02Logan huffing and puffing, Carlos staring at nothing in particular,

00:01:06the armed guards unsure what to do.

00:01:09I should have told that story at his wake, I say.

00:01:12But it feels good to at least tell it now, so thank you.

00:01:17I smile a sweet smile right at Logan.

00:01:20There's another thick moment in which nobody moves.

00:01:24And then the entire room erupts in violence.

00:01:37Evan and Robert are having a fucking tree-trimming party.

00:01:42If there's ever a time when I wish that I hadn't burned down my apartment, it's now.

00:01:46Not that I'm against tree-trimming or parties or wassailing or any of that shit,

00:01:51but it's making it very hard to focus on what I'm currently focusing on,

00:01:54which is hitting refresh on my computer over and over and over again

00:01:58to see if the GPS tracking on Maddy's sat phone tells me if it's moved at all.

00:02:02I had to pay a preposterous premium for that feature, but who the fuck thought I wouldn't?

00:02:06It hasn't. Moved, that is.

00:02:09It's still in the same place, in what appears to be a massive goddamn compound somewhere in Mexicali.

00:02:15I don't have a live satellite shot, which pisses me off,

00:02:18but I can sort of make out the contours of where she is using my Maps app.

00:02:23Out in the other room, Deck the Halls is being butchered by all the guys

00:02:26who clearly could not make it into the Las Vegas Men's Chorus.

00:02:30Phone says it's 11.43 p.m. Computer says the same thing.

00:02:35So I guess it is. Fuck.

00:02:37I asked her to call at 11. It's okay. It's okay.

00:02:40She brought up a good point. It might be suspicious if she called right at 11 every night.

00:02:45I didn't want to put her in an impossible position.

00:02:48We agreed that she would just make sure to reach out sometime before the night is over.

00:02:52All good. No problem.

00:02:54Refresh, refresh, refresh. Sat phone is still at its same location.

00:02:59Refresh, refresh, refresh. Still at its same location.

00:03:02Deck the Halls. Refresh, refresh, refresh. Same location.

00:03:06With Vows of Holly. Refresh, refresh, refresh. Same location.

00:03:09Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la. Fuck, what was that?

00:03:13Dude? Oh, it was Evan, knocking on the bedroom door.

00:03:17Now he's poking his head in. Shit, why even bother knocking?

00:03:21I assault him with the question. Shit, why even bother knocking, bro?

00:03:25You okay? He asks. Why, do I not seem okay?

00:03:29He stares at me. And those eyes of his don't betray shit.

00:03:33If this was a staring contest, I'd lose. Then finally, he says.

00:03:38No? Well, shit, man, what the fuck do you expect?

00:03:42Matty's somewhere in Mexico with a fucking drug lord doing God knows what.

00:03:46The guy is with her, though, right? Who? Which guy? Friggin' Ricky?

00:03:50Yeah, I don't trust that dickbox to do shit.

00:03:54Why, he asks, stepping into the room with an extra glass of eggnog,

00:03:58which he hands me and which I pound back. He knows I fucking love eggnog.

00:04:03Wiping my mouth, I tell him. Because he's got his own agenda.

00:04:08And he's clearly an opportunist. And because I never found out

00:04:10why an army ranger knocked him out. But if you've been hit hard enough

00:04:14to be knocked out twice in your life, there is clearly something wrong with you.

00:04:19Really? How many times have you been hit that hard?

00:04:22Hard enough to be knocked out? I don't know. Like a dozen?

00:04:25But it's not a fair question, because I don't get knocked out.

00:04:27You know that. But if I did, that would just prove my point.

00:04:30Would you trust the man you love to be left in a fucking life-and-death situation

00:04:34with this dickbox? I point both thumbs at myself

00:04:38to emphasize that I'm referring to me, who's got two thumbs and is a total dickbox.

00:04:43This guy. You already know the answer, Evan says.

00:04:49Of course I would. He lets that land like an anvil.

00:04:53And it kind of takes the wind out of the sails that are propelling my angst.

00:04:58Yeah, well, whatever. You love me. I don't love good old Ricky.

00:05:03I don't even know the guy. I flop back onto the bed where I've been sitting

00:05:07and throw my arms above my head. I couldn't be more of a teenage girl right now if I tried.

00:05:13Listen, he says in his infuriatingly calm tone.

00:05:18She's got the phone, yeah? Yeah, I pout.

00:05:23And the Ricky guy knows how to get hold of you too, right?

00:05:27Yeah, I grudgingly acknowledge.

00:05:30So, look. If she doesn't reach out to you by the morning, then you can freak out.

00:05:36But she said she would, and my bet is that she will.

00:05:40Give her a little credit. You know her.

00:05:43Worrying like this isn't helping her, and it sure as hell isn't helping you.

00:05:48I prop myself up on my elbows and watch my best friend,

00:05:51appointed in gray flannel trousers and the most well-tailored white cashmere turtleneck sweater I've ever seen,

00:05:58unflinchingly sip his eggnog.

00:06:01He looks like the headmaster at the fancy boys school who all the moms and some of the dads want to fuck.

00:06:07Give her credit, huh? I ask.

00:06:10He nods, swallows some nog, and says,

00:06:13Yep.

00:06:15She's a total fucking badass, isn't she?

00:06:17Always has been, and I see no evidence to suggest that's changed.

00:06:22I pick my phone up and turn it over and over in my hand.

00:06:26I just want to know she's okay.

00:06:28I love her, man.

00:06:30I know. I love her, too.

00:06:32I open my mouth to start, but he says,

00:06:34Different.

00:06:35Obvs, bro.

00:06:36But I do.

00:06:38And I'm worried about her, too.

00:06:40We lost Scotty, and then we lost her for a long time, and now that we have her back,

00:06:44the last thing I want is to lose her again.

00:06:47He finishes off his eggnog and turns the empty glass around and around in his hand.

00:06:53After a moment's rumination, I say,

00:06:56If she doesn't check in before morning, she will.

00:06:59I feel it in my gut, but if she doesn't...

00:07:02You're tracking her, you know where she is?

00:07:04I nod.

00:07:06Roughly, yeah, more or less.

00:07:09Then I'm right there with you when we fucking roll in to get her back.

00:07:13I've been looking down at my phone, but that snaps my attention up quick.

00:07:16Dude, he says,

00:07:18It's been a long time since I've mixed it up with anyone.

00:07:21I don't want to get soft just because I'm settled down.

00:07:23Besides, Robert would never admit it, but he'd think it was hot as shit

00:07:27if I went on some pre-dawn raid on a Mexican drug fortress or whatever the hell it is.

00:07:32Marriage, bro.

00:07:34Gotta keep it spicy.

00:07:35He winks.

00:07:37I sniff and shake my head.

00:07:39Yeah, okay.

00:07:41Look, man, you get back to your party.

00:07:44What are you gonna do?

00:07:45I don't know.

00:07:47Sit here and keep hitting refresh to make sure the phone hasn't moved?

00:07:50Nope, he says,

00:07:52stepping over to grab me by the arm and tug at me.

00:07:55What are you doing? Stop pulling, I say.

00:07:58Seriously, I might as well be 15 and named Brittany right now.

00:08:02Get up, bitch, he says.

00:08:04Come out.

00:08:05There's a shitload more nog and Rodney keeps asking about you.

00:08:09The fuck's Rodney?

00:08:11He might have Thanksgiving. Owns the salon?

00:08:13Oh, you mean mustache? I ask.

00:08:16Yeah, that's him. He's obsessed with you.

00:08:19He knows I'm straight, right?

00:08:22What's that got to do with anything?

00:08:24I take a moment to consider that.

00:08:27Fair question.

00:08:28Come on, man, she'll connect with you soon, I promise, Evan says.

00:08:32I put my hands on my knees and push myself up to head into the party with him,

00:08:36seeing if there's any way possible I can stop worrying about Maddie for maybe five minutes.

00:08:41I mean, the answer is a resounding no, but I'm nothing if not game.

00:08:46You don't think Rodney just wants me for my beard, do you? I ask.

00:08:50I think he wants you in spite of it, man.

00:08:52Evan claps me on the shoulder and we head into the living room,

00:08:56where now we are on to five gold rings.

00:09:02Please call, Maddie.

00:09:04Please call soon.

00:09:08The clock on my phone says 4.45 a.m.

00:09:12I'm lying on my back in my bedroom.

00:09:15The phone is on my chest, staring at me, mocking me, toying with me.

00:09:20The last of the revelers left over two hours ago.

00:09:24Robert and Evan crawled into bed and Evan told me that I should let him know

00:09:27if Maddie hasn't called by the time the sun was up.

00:09:30Well, the sun is coming up in a little over an hour and she still hasn't made contact.

00:09:35I should wait.

00:09:37I should wait one more hour. I should fuck it.

00:09:40I spring out of bed, grab my boots and lace them up without turning the light on.

00:09:45It's now officially the morning of Christmas Eve

00:09:48and the late December moonlight streaming in through the window

00:09:50gives me enough visibility to get ready for what I have to do.

00:09:54I grab up my computer, refresh.

00:09:57Phone's still there. Okay, good.

00:09:59But not good.

00:10:01This is bad.

00:10:02This is very bad.

00:10:04It's day fucking one and she hasn't reached out like we talked about.

00:10:08That means one of only two things.

00:10:09One, she's in a situation where she can't make contact.

00:10:13Like they've got eyes on her 24-7 or worse, they've got her locked down somehow.

00:10:17Or two, they found the phone and also see reason number one.

00:10:24There's a third reason why she wouldn't have called by now.

00:10:27But I won't even let myself go there.

00:10:29I will not.

00:10:31I shove my own phone in my pocket and grab my car keys and suddenly wish I still had a gun.

00:10:37I gave the gun I had, Logan's gun, back to Pete and Pete took Logan's other one.

00:10:41Both of them burned up in the fire, presumably.

00:10:44I'm not a big gun guy.

00:10:46I hate them, ironically.

00:10:48But I'd rather have a gun and not need it than need a gun and not have it.

00:10:52That's a line from True Romance by Quentin Tarantino.

00:10:55I mean, probably other people have said it too, but Christian Slater says it in that movie

00:10:59right before the whole fucking film turns into one big bloodbath,

00:11:02which, even though I'm hoping this situation won't, you never know.

00:11:05Shit. Rambling.

00:11:08But I do feel like I need backup, something that gives me an edge.

00:11:11What I'm about to do is head into an unknown location without any recon

00:11:15and no idea of how many hostiles might be fortifying it to try and confirm the safety of an asset.

00:11:20Shit. No, I'm not.

00:11:23Let's be honest, I'm going on a retrieval mission.

00:11:27Once I get down there and confirm she's okay, because she has to be,

00:11:31there's no way I'm leaving without her.

00:11:33So I wish I had a gun, that's all.

00:11:36Because even though I appreciate the offer, I'm not bringing Evan.

00:11:40I can't.

00:11:41He's married and he already puts his life on the line every day.

00:11:46Every day when he goes to work, his husband has no idea of whether Evan will return home at night.

00:11:51And while that's true for all of us all the time, it's a dangerous world.

00:11:56That shit is conscious for Evan and Robert.

00:11:59I can't go into his room and drag him out of his warm bed to go on what might be a very fucked up mission.

00:12:05I can't. I won't.

00:12:07I love him too much.

00:12:09And I love Maddie too much not to go.

00:12:12But I barely even like myself most of the time,

00:12:14so if one person's gonna fucking buy the farm in this equation, I vote for me.

00:12:18Still, it would be nice to have some kind of backup.

00:12:22Some way of at least knowing what the hell kind of mayhem I might be wandering into.

00:12:28And then, all of a sudden I realize,

00:12:31there is.

00:12:40When I wake up the next morning, Carlos is staring at me.

00:12:45Not in bed with me, thank God.

00:12:47But sitting in the chair in front of the window, in the same suit he was wearing last night.

00:12:52In the same position as when I closed my eyes after he walked me to my room

00:12:57and waited for me to change into one of the many nighties in the closet.

00:13:01After he pulled the covers back and watched, hungrily, as I got under them.

00:13:06After he tucked me in, or whatever.

00:13:09He didn't touch me.

00:13:11But this man staring at me the entire night was almost worse.

00:13:15Happy Christmas Eve, Medicine, he says.

00:13:19Oh, right. Yeah. Happy, happy.

00:13:22Jesus, didn't you sleep at all? I ask.

00:13:26He just smiles, his face backlit by the rising sun behind him.

00:13:31I was too... warmed up.

00:13:34He's referring to the ass-kicking he gave Logan last night at dinner.

00:13:38Beat the ever-loving shit out of him right in front of me.

00:13:42I cannot even imagine what Logan looks like today.

00:13:45Both eyes were already swollen shut last night by the time Ricky pulled Carlos off him.

00:13:50After that, all the thugs disappeared.

00:13:53Ricky holding Logan up as he helped him stumble away to wherever one goes

00:13:58after Carlos loses his temper on you.

00:14:01And it was just the two of us.

00:14:03Servants came, cleared the debris as Carlos and I had drinks.

00:14:07They bustled around us like we weren't even there,

00:14:10and set the table again, brought new food.

00:14:12And we ate, like nothing happened.

00:14:15Carlos talked about what we'd do today.

00:14:18I offered up the pool as a possibility, since that's the only thing I'm familiar with.

00:14:23And I was shaking so bad after witnessing the extent of his temper.

00:14:27I just said the first thing that came to mind.

00:14:29That was his nephew.

00:14:31What would he do to me, or Ricky, if he knew why we're really here?

00:14:36And then I was too enthralled by your sleeping face.

00:14:41He continued,

00:14:42You're so beautiful.

00:14:44I didn't want to close my eyes.

00:14:46Couldn't close my eyes.

00:14:48He adds,

00:14:49How sweet, I say sitting up in bed.

00:14:52In a very disturbing, psychotic way, I don't add.

00:14:56But with any luck, I won't have to worry about Logan anymore.

00:15:00He wouldn't dare touch me now.

00:15:02Not after... that.

00:15:05Shit.

00:15:06I didn't get a chance to call Tyler, and he's going to be out of his mind with worry.

00:15:10I mean, my first night, and I didn't check in.

00:15:13All kinds of bad things are probably running through his head.

00:15:16Rightly so, since all kinds of bad things have already happened.

00:15:21You think this is bad, Devil says.

00:15:24Wait a few minutes.

00:15:25I'm sure there's another shitstorm coming.

00:15:28Yeah, Angel says.

00:15:30This is just the beginning, and you asked for it, so now you gotta deal with it.

00:15:35You know you made a serious mistake when both your Angel and your Devil agree that you're stupid.

00:15:42Are you hungry? Carlos asks.

00:15:45No, I'm most definitely not hungry.

00:15:48I'm still sick from having to eat food last night.

00:15:51Logan's bloody face still fresh in my mind.

00:15:54But there are already servants in the room.

00:15:57Probably what woke me up.

00:15:59And they're setting up a table next to Carlos with plates and plates of food.

00:16:03I tossed and turned for hours after getting into bed.

00:16:06But finally, I was so exhausted.

00:16:08The day's happenings too much for me.

00:16:11There's no way I couldn't sleep.

00:16:13So...

00:16:14Yeah, I say, starving.

00:16:17Assimilation is my goal, right?

00:16:20I've been here one day.

00:16:21Less than one day, actually.

00:16:23And I've had enough.

00:16:25What have I done?

00:16:26What have I agreed to?

00:16:28I just want to get the fuck out of here.

00:16:30Get away from this crazy psycho and put him away for good.

00:16:34But I can't do that unless he trusts me enough to slip up and give me the information Ricky needs.

00:16:40Breakfast it is.

00:16:42I do not want to get out of bed wearing this sexy nightie.

00:16:45But what choice do I have?

00:16:47Besides, badass Madison is a stripper.

00:16:50And Carlos's Madison wouldn't care about showing her sexy off in front of him.

00:16:55So I force myself to get up.

00:16:57Let him look at my legs, my breasts,

00:17:00as I walk slowly to the closet and get a silk robe I saw hanging in there yesterday

00:17:05and put it on, cinching the sliver of a belt tight around my waist.

00:17:10I join Carlos at the table, thankful for the coffee at least,

00:17:14and start picking at my eggs and bacon.

00:17:17Carlos eats with enthusiasm.

00:17:19And I start thinking, like really thinking, this whole plan through for the first time

00:17:25and realize this is all normal for him.

00:17:28Feeding his nephew to within an inch of his life is just standard practice.

00:17:32You piss off Carlos Castillo and he doesn't forgive you, no matter who you are.

00:17:37Which gets me thinking.

00:17:39You know, I say, I have a question for you, but it's really none of my business.

00:17:46Ask? Carlos says, still busy eating his breakfast.

00:17:50The worst that can happen is that I say nothing.

00:17:53Is it? I ask. Is that the worst that can happen?

00:17:57I mean, you got pretty mean with Logan last night.

00:18:01Carlos stops eating, fork midway to his mouth, and looks at me.

00:18:06Shit.

00:18:08You wanted me to get mean with Logan, Madison.

00:18:12That's why you told your little story.

00:18:14Okay, I say, letting out a long breath of air.

00:18:17Maybe that's true, but your reaction took me by surprise.

00:18:22He disrespected you, Carlos growls, and he lied to me about that day you beat him.

00:18:29He said Pete's men did that, and then he used that lie for revenge.

00:18:34He used me.

00:18:36So this is my question, I say, swallowing down my fear.

00:18:41If Pete took a woman you loved, then why did you let him live?

00:18:45Why did you let her live?

00:18:47If... if you don't mind my asking.

00:18:51Carlos places his fork down on the table, wipes his mouth with his napkin,

00:18:56takes a sip of water, then places both hands on the table, leaning in as he stares at me.

00:19:02My stomach does this flip thing, that feeling you get when things are about to go terribly wrong.

00:19:09That feeling you get when you realize you've made a mistake,

00:19:12and nothing good is gonna happen ever again, because this is a major fuck-up.

00:19:17But I force myself to stare back at him.

00:19:20Because I loved her, and I wanted to keep her safe.

00:19:24And back then, I was young, and stupid, and took too many risks.

00:19:30Pete loved her too, and she loved him.

00:19:33And I realized...

00:19:35He sits back in his chair, maybe relaxing a little, and takes a deep breath.

00:19:40I realized if she stayed with me, she'd die.

00:19:44Someone would kill her if she was with me then.

00:19:47I was not yet the man I am today.

00:19:51So I let her go.

00:19:53And me, I ask, you're not worried about someone killing me?

00:19:57He smiles.

00:19:59It's a very evil drug lord smile.

00:20:02No one can touch me now, Madison.

00:20:04You're perfectly safe.

00:20:07I force myself to sigh with feigned relief.

00:20:10And then I smile.

00:20:11A fake smile that does its job and makes him smile back.

00:20:15Makes him relax even more.

00:20:17And I begin to eat.

00:20:19He eats too, and we say nothing for a little bit.

00:20:23Me thinking about all the ways in which he's gonna kill me when he figures out why I'm here.

00:20:28Him probably planning our wedding.

00:20:30Which is ironic, since he only met me because I was his daughter's wedding planner.

00:20:35Fucking hilarious.

00:20:37Or not.

00:20:39One more question, I ask.

00:20:41Something else suddenly bothering me.

00:20:44Yes?

00:20:45Carlos says, finished eating now.

00:20:47Opening up the morning newspaper.

00:20:49Your daughter.

00:20:51He glances up at me over the paper but says nothing.

00:20:54I mean...

00:20:56She...

00:20:57I swallow hard.

00:20:58Don't say it, Angel says.

00:21:00Yeah, devil agrees.

00:21:03This is a very bad idea.

00:21:05But I do anyway.

00:21:07Because I need to know.

00:21:09She disrespected you too, didn't she?

00:21:12Much worse than Logan, so...

00:21:14I just...

00:21:16He clears his throat.

00:21:18Did I kill her?

00:21:20He deadpans.

00:21:21I nod, afraid of his answer.

00:21:24He stares at me, smiles the creepiest, most unnerving smile I've ever seen.

00:21:29And then he folds his paper and stands up.

00:21:32You wanted to play in the pool again today?

00:21:35Get changed, and I'll meet you out there in a little bit.

00:21:38And then he turns away, walking towards the door.

00:21:42Madison, he says.

00:21:44I turn my head to look at him, his hand on the doorknob, his back to me.

00:21:50Yes, I say almost a whisper.

00:21:53You came here of your own free will.

00:21:56And yes, you like my money and my power.

00:21:59But you're honest with me.

00:22:01And I like that.

00:22:04He glances over his shoulder, his eyes meeting mine.

00:22:07As long as you're honest with me, you have nothing to worry about.

00:22:12I nod as he opens the door.

00:22:15But he stops again and says,

00:22:17Wear a bikini today.

00:22:20I want to see your body.

00:22:22And then he leaves, closing the door softly behind him.

00:22:26I force myself not to freak out.

00:22:29Like, I cannot afford to freak out.

00:22:32But when I get in the closet and see my suitcase,

00:22:35it takes every ounce of willpower I have not to grab that sat phone,

00:22:39call Tyler, and beg him to get me out of here right the fuck now.

00:22:44Two things stop me.

00:22:46One, I am sure there's cameras in here, positive.

00:22:50And two, I can't bring Tyler into this.

00:22:53No way am I getting him killed.

00:22:56So I deal.

00:22:58I suck it up and deal.

00:23:00I put on the skimpiest bikini in the drawer,

00:23:03the highest stripper shoes on the shelf,

00:23:05and don't even bother with a cover-up this time.

00:23:08I need that information, and I need it fast.

00:23:11Maybe he was a good man once upon a time.

00:23:14Maybe he let Carolina go.

00:23:16But he said it himself.

00:23:18He's not the same man he was back then.

00:23:21He's worse.

00:23:23When I get out to the pool,

00:23:24I'm surprised that there's a bunch of men sitting with Carlos around the patio table.

00:23:29And when I walk past, meeting Carlos's appreciative gaze as he checks me out,

00:23:34I wonder if maybe they're business associates.

00:23:37Possibly.

00:23:39Nobody else is around.

00:23:40Not Ricky or servants or anyone.

00:23:43It's like a secret cabal.

00:23:45Could this be a chance to get the information I'm here for?

00:23:48I should see how far I can insert myself into his business.

00:23:52I have to try.

00:23:53Otherwise, what's the point?

00:23:55So I try to sit in his lap.

00:23:58But even though Carlos's hands are all over me saying one thing,

00:24:02his mouth says something completely different.

00:24:05Get in the pool, medicine.

00:24:07And swim around so I can watch you.

00:24:10I nod and obey,

00:24:12walking into the water,

00:24:13fear replacing the refreshing feeling I had yesterday.

00:24:16I swim laps,

00:24:18back and forth,

00:24:19back and forth,

00:24:20for what seems like hours.

00:24:22But they never talk loud enough for me to hear anything.

00:24:25And their Spanish is a lot of slang that I don't really understand.

00:24:29After a while, I get tired and start to get out,

00:24:32until Carlos says,

00:24:34keep swimming, medicine.

00:24:36So I swim some more,

00:24:38all the while he has his important meeting just 20 yards away

00:24:42and I get no information out of it.

00:24:45I will have to stay here for God knows how long.

00:24:48Despite Emily's insistence that we cap the amount of time I can be here,

00:24:52she's not here now.

00:24:54Ricky is.

00:24:55And it's clear that Ricky is ready to let me spend the rest of my life here

00:24:59if that's what it takes.

00:25:01How stupid was I?

00:25:03How naive was I?

00:25:04To think I could get what I need in one day?

00:25:07That I could stop him from fucking me?

00:25:10That I had any control over this situation at all?

00:25:14Hours go by and I eat lunch alone,

00:25:17sitting at a separate table across the pool from Carlos and his pals.

00:25:21All the while I'm sure they're talking about things I could use,

00:25:25things that could get me out of here,

00:25:27things that could save my life.

00:25:30When I finally get back in the pool,

00:25:32after waiting the required 30 minutes after eating,

00:25:35which I forced myself to do,

00:25:37since, you know, that's what people who aren't planning to bring down

00:25:40the drug lord in residence would do,

00:25:43it's afternoon and I'm starting to worry about tonight.

00:25:47Will he get in bed with me this time?

00:25:49Will he take my clothes off?

00:25:50Rape me?

00:25:52Yes.

00:25:53The answer to all those questions is yes.

00:25:56Just then the meeting breaks up.

00:25:58All the men stand, clapping each other on the back

00:26:01and wishing each other Feliz Navidad.

00:26:04They ate too and drank a bit,

00:26:06so they're happy and probably a little bit drunk.

00:26:09Even Carlos,

00:26:10who's been sipping scotch from a cut crystal glass since this morning.

00:26:15And then, and then,

00:26:18I get the lucky break I've been so patiently waiting for.

00:26:22They go inside, all of them,

00:26:24and leave me alone.

00:26:26I climb out of the pool,

00:26:28wrapping myself in a towel,

00:26:30slowly, lazily,

00:26:32like I'm in no rush at all.

00:26:35And while I do that, I look around for guards.

00:26:38There's a bunch of them all around the perimeter,

00:26:40along the edges of the property,

00:26:42but they're all facing away from me,

00:26:44looking out towards the desert,

00:26:46on watch for things guards watch for, I suppose.

00:26:49Not looking at me is the only thing I care about.

00:26:53I walk around the pool towards the table where they were sitting,

00:26:57and I'm stunned by what I see.

00:26:59I don't know if it's because they got a little drunk

00:27:02or because the holiday spirit overtook them, but

00:27:05there's a map.

00:27:07A map?

00:27:08It's crude and awkwardly drawn,

00:27:10but there's some writing in Spanish along the edges.

00:27:13The handwriting is awful, but I think it says

00:27:16transport, maybe?

00:27:19Is it possible?

00:27:20Jesus Christ, could it be?

00:27:22There's no way.

00:27:23This is too good to be true.

00:27:25It's almost too easy.

00:27:27Might I really have just stumbled into the very thing I'm here to find?

00:27:32It's a Christmas miracle!

00:27:34The angel shouts.

00:27:36Ah, fucking humbug.

00:27:38The devil grouses.

00:27:40And just as I'm about to swat both of them off my shoulders yet again,

00:27:44I hear it.

00:27:45A hum.

00:27:46Up in the sky.

00:27:48And when I look up, I see...

00:27:50a drone coming towards me,

00:27:53its wings tipping from side to side erratically,

00:27:56like the person in control has no idea what he's doing,

00:27:59like the person in control is known for flying drones badly.

00:28:04When it does a nosedive,

00:28:06a dogfight move straight out of World War II,

00:28:09or something,

00:28:10and pulls out of it just in time to avoid crashing into the pool,

00:28:15I smile.

00:28:17And that's when all hell breaks loose.

00:28:23Chapter 17

00:28:25Tyler.

00:28:28Why is this thing so fucking hard to control?

00:28:31Seriously.

00:28:32It's not like I've never flown a drone before,

00:28:34but this thing is fucking impossible.

00:28:36It's imbalanced or something, fucking Slade.

00:28:39Dude definitely sold her a bomb-stolen drone.

00:28:42Drone store, Jesus.

00:28:45Or I just suck, could go either way.

00:28:47The sat phone has led me here.

00:28:49About two football fields' distance

00:28:52from what looks like a fucking comic book version of a bad guy house.

00:28:56Or I suppose it's possible that the reason we think bad guy houses look the way they do

00:29:00is because bad guys build them that way,

00:29:02but that's a real chicken-egg contemplation that I can worry about later.

00:29:05Right now I'm just trying to keep the fucking drone steady

00:29:07so that I can survey the terrain here

00:29:09and get a sense of what I might be up against

00:29:11when I go charging in there like Rambo.

00:29:13And I hope, unlike Rambo,

00:29:15I don't wind up captured and tortured,

00:29:17strapped to an electrocution bed or some shit.

00:29:20Because I'm afraid of dying. I'm not.

00:29:22Not even a little bit.

00:29:24I've done it before and it's not that big of a deal.

00:29:26Honestly, I'm not even that afraid of being tortured in and of itself

00:29:30because, you know, I don't really feel pain.

00:29:32But it totally looks like it sucks

00:29:35and is also the kind of thing that might encourage someone

00:29:37to test the boundaries of how much I can endure.

00:29:40And I gotta believe that there's a point at which I would feel a lot of pain

00:29:43and I'm not keen to discover what that point is.

00:29:46But what does scare me

00:29:49is anything happening to Maddie.

00:29:51And if I get caught and tortured,

00:29:53that means Maddie will probably get tortured too.

00:29:56So that really only leaves me with one choice here

00:29:59and that's to get her out of this stupid fucking setup that she's in right now

00:30:03and that I still can't believe is really happening

00:30:05and save her.

00:30:07So that's my plan.

00:30:09And if I see her and one freckle on her body

00:30:12looks to me like it's out of place,

00:30:14then I hope everyone inside has been to confession

00:30:16before midnight mass tonight

00:30:18to see the magnificent seven up in this bitch.

00:30:21Okay, so watching the monitor I can see what looks like muscle around the perimeter.

00:30:25A not insignificant amount of it.

00:30:28Super. Alright.

00:30:30That looks like the main entrance and shit, the thing just sprawls out forever.

00:30:34I know that there's a way to get 3D imaging of what's happening inside,

00:30:37I just don't know how to work it.

00:30:39There's gotta be a way to get at least a heat signature for Christ's sake.

00:30:42I'm playing with the settings on the touchscreen

00:30:44to see how I can activate any of these features

00:30:46that have to exist when I spot what looks like a pool.

00:30:50And standing next to the pool is a body.

00:30:53A sexy body.

00:30:55In a sexy bikini.

00:30:57Top with sexy, unmistakable red hair.

00:30:59Shit. Yes, she's there.

00:31:01She's here. She's okay. Thank you, baby Jesus.

00:31:03Happy birthday to you.

00:31:05But I have to make sure she's actually safe.

00:31:07I don't see anyone near her, but I gotta be sure.

00:31:09So I'm just gonna zoom in real careful and

00:31:13fuck, that's not the zoom shit.

00:31:15I'm dive bombing. This is not stealth.

00:31:17Good lord, but it's her!

00:31:19The look on her face is one of shot confusion,

00:31:21which is a look she gives me a lot,

00:31:23so I know she knows it's me. Hi, Mads!

00:31:25I wonder if this thing has a speaker or microphone.

00:31:28I mean, the plan wasn't to walk right up to the front door and knock.

00:31:31It was most definitely supposed to be more clandestine than things are currently going,

00:31:34but since I'm blowing my cover anyway, I may as well say hi.

00:31:37But it looks like I'm actually about to ditch this thing in the pool,

00:31:40so I have to pull up.

00:31:42Shit.

00:31:43And right as I'm pulling up, on the screen I see

00:31:46one of the strapped-up perimeter guards has spotted me.

00:31:50I know, because on the monitor,

00:31:52I see him pointing directly at the drone and shouting.

00:31:56I'm too far hidden where I am out in the brush to hear him,

00:31:59but shouting looks unmistakably like shouting, whether you can hear it or not.

00:32:04I'm working as hard as I can to pull the drone up and away,

00:32:06but it's not moving vertically very well or swiftly enough in any direction,

00:32:10and now other strapped-up goons are gathered around the first strapped-up goon,

00:32:14and all of them are pointing and shouting.

00:32:16I can see Maddie kind of drifting into the shadows, trying to make herself scarce,

00:32:20and then Carlos comes running out poolside.

00:32:24I have never actually seen Carlos Castillo.

00:32:27I saw a couple of hazy pictures of him on the internet,

00:32:30but I've never seen him in person.

00:32:32Maddie and I haven't even really talked that much about him apart from Maddie's situation,

00:32:36but this is undeniably him.

00:32:39There is an aura of power and influence that bleeds out of the guy,

00:32:43up into the atmosphere and all the way through the screen of the drone monitor.

00:32:48He looks to his muscle to see where they're pointing,

00:32:51and then he turns his head and he sees... me.

00:32:55Oh, there's the zoom shit.

00:32:59I press down on the zoom-in feature and the camera settles right on Carlos's eyes.

00:33:04And I know he can't see me.

00:33:06Obviously, obviously I know that,

00:33:08but it sure doesn't feel like it the way his glare seems to land right on my shitty drone-flying ass.

00:33:15There's a brief moment where it all has the impression of a standoff between the two of us.

00:33:21A Mexican standoff.

00:33:23Literally.

00:33:24Ha.

00:33:25That's funny.

00:33:26And then he points, says something,

00:33:29and that's when the shooting begins.

00:33:32I see it before I hear it.

00:33:34The sound has to travel to where I'm hiding,

00:33:36but the bullets only have to reach the camera and blast the drone out of the sky.

00:33:40The screen goes dark and I snap my head in time to see the black, metallic bird drop from the sky like...

00:33:47Well, like a 900XZ black market military drone that's just been shot to shit.

00:33:54Son of a bitch.

00:33:57My instinct is to run.

00:33:59Not away.

00:34:01Toward.

00:34:02In fact, I have to stop myself from breaking into a sprint straight for the reinforced metal gate that protects the driveway.

00:34:08I don't have the urge to run because I'm brave.

00:34:11It's because I'm stupid.

00:34:13But Maddie's alive and she smiled when she saw the drone,

00:34:15so that means she's at least in a place where she can smile,

00:34:18so the last thing I need to do is fuck that up any more than I maybe already have.

00:34:23Carlos was inside when Maddie and I made eye-to-camera contact,

00:34:26so there's a chance he wouldn't necessarily immediately assume that the drone was here because of Maddie.

00:34:32Right?

00:34:34I'm kicking this around in my addled brain

00:34:37when I think to reach in my rucksack and grab the field binoculars I had the good sense to bring.

00:34:42I hit the dusty carpet of the desert floor, put the binoculars up to my eyes,

00:34:46and a wave of memory comes crashing down.

00:34:49Not the good kind.

00:34:52It's not that this reminds me of any one moment in particular.

00:34:56It's a patchwork of moments from my time in the military all stitched together.

00:35:00Belly down on the sandy, dusty deck of the earth,

00:35:04glassing the enemy through binoculars,

00:35:07trying to get a read on an unreadable situation.

00:35:11My fingers stiffen and my arms start shaking,

00:35:13causing the knocks to judder and bounce against the bridge of my nose.

00:35:18I can't see much through the gate and down the driveway anyway,

00:35:21but what I can see looks like it's being shaken in a blender.

00:35:25My breathing is shallow and I'm having trouble swallowing.

00:35:28I really don't need this. Not now.

00:35:31I need to figure out what my next move is.

00:35:33I need to find a way to still my nervous system

00:35:35and either get the fuck out of here or charge the castle.

00:35:38And then, while I'm trying to keep my brain from sneaking out of my head

00:35:41and crawling across the desert, reality snaps me back.

00:35:45Through the shaky lens I see several of the perimeter guards come charging out the front,

00:35:49weapons drawn in a semicircle formation like a human shield,

00:35:52and in the middle of the shielded safe area is Carlos.

00:35:56His head is down, but he's easy to I.D.

00:35:58because I just saw him when he directed these jokers to shoot down my drone.

00:36:03They're sweeping their weapons back and forth looking for...

00:36:06What?

00:36:08You know why he won't fly.

00:36:10It's not because he has some innate fear of flying,

00:36:12it's because he thinks the U.S. government will shoot him down.

00:36:17Ricky DEA's words come back to me.

00:36:20Jesus.

00:36:22Does Castillo think this is the government coming after him?

00:36:25Maybe. He must.

00:36:27Because this is a wildly disproportionate response to a little drone action, if you ask me.

00:36:32Suddenly a black Mercedes pulls into view, flanked by two big black SUVs.

00:36:37The human shield forces Castillo into the back of the Benz,

00:36:40and half of the guys jump into one of the SUVs,

00:36:44with the Mercedes following, and then the rest of the guys jump into the other SUV,

00:36:47and it peels out on the Benz's six.

00:36:50It's tactical, precise, efficient.

00:36:53Like they've run this drill many times in preparation for whatever they think this is that's happening.

00:36:59And then, like a lightning bolt, it occurs to me.

00:37:03Matty wasn't with him.

00:37:05They just shoved Carlos into the car, alone.

00:37:08So where the hell is Matty? Is she still inside?

00:37:11And if she is, who's in there with her?

00:37:13Are there any more armed assholes, and if so, how many?

00:37:16Do I risk it? Is now my chance?

00:37:19Fuck it. I don't see where I have a choice.

00:37:22So I jump up and I start running.

00:37:24I cut wide left because I saw from the drone, before it was so rudely dispensed with,

00:37:29that there was another point of entry along the side of the perimeter wall,

00:37:32smaller, looked like maybe it was a servant's entry gate or the grounds crew's gate or something.

00:37:37Because God forbid anyone should sully up the main gate with their proletariat existence.

00:37:43And suddenly, in addition to all the other reasons that I have feelings of hostility towards Carlos Castillo,

00:37:49I can now add income and class inequality to the list,

00:37:53which is probably hypocritical coming from a rich asshole like me,

00:37:56but fuck it, is how I feel.

00:37:58As if I needed another reason to want to bury this prick.

00:38:01I've covered half the distance and am probably a hundred yards away when I stop,

00:38:06because the gate that I'm running for begins to open.

00:38:10Again, I hit the deck.

00:38:12Again, that wash of bad memory spills onto my shore.

00:38:16And again, I force it away and bring the binoculars up to my eyes.

00:38:20A raggedy old Ford pickup truck rumbles out through the opening gate,

00:38:25and through the knocks, I can see Ricky fucking DEA driving.

00:38:30In the passenger seat, I can almost make out Logan,

00:38:33but like a really fucked up and battered Logan.

00:38:37But it's gotta be him, the scowl is unmistakable.

00:38:40I wonder how he got all bloodied up.

00:38:42I wonder if Maddy did that to him again, or maybe it was someone else.

00:38:46Oh well, poor unlucky Logan, huh?

00:38:48Asshole.

00:38:50Why are Logan and Ricky heading out the side exit in a busted old junker of a pickup?

00:38:54And where are they going, and what do I do?

00:38:56Follow them, follow Carlos, or keep on motoring inside for Maddy?

00:39:01And before I have to decide, my decision is made for me.

00:39:05From the bed of the pickup truck, I see a spark of bright red hair.

00:39:09There's a tarp over it, but the hair flashes from underneath,

00:39:13and then a second later, so does Maddy, still in the bikini I saw her wearing.

00:39:18She looks pissed, and then I see why.

00:39:21Carlos, who is wearing gardener gear now,

00:39:25and who has been lying flat,

00:39:27pops up and draws a protesting Maddy back down on top of him,

00:39:31pulling the tarp over them both.

00:39:33That cocksucker.

00:39:36I have to give him credit, though.

00:39:38The diversion he ran with the decoy motorcade,

00:39:41ushering whoever was dressed in his clothes into the car and out the front

00:39:44with such noisy fanfare, was pretty well executed.

00:39:47Had me fooled.

00:39:49But then again, I'm stupid.

00:39:51I don't know if he would have fooled whoever Carlos thinks is after him right now.

00:39:54Because it sure as hell ain't me that he imagines is coming for him.

00:39:58But faint praise for his escape plan aside,

00:40:01I'm pretty fucking heated at seeing him using Maddy as a human shield,

00:40:05because that's what he's doing.

00:40:07I assume that part was improvised.

00:40:09Or maybe there's some housekeeper or somebody who's supposed to be the one

00:40:12to protect Carlos with their body in the event they have to make a getaway,

00:40:15and Maddy's a convenient and more appealing substitute.

00:40:18But the idea of her bikini-clad body pressing up against that asshole

00:40:22in the back of that truck is pissing me off.

00:40:25I sprint back to the Defender,

00:40:27which I have parked where I was doing my surveying before,

00:40:30back at my original distance from the house,

00:40:32and I am struck by the toll that a dozen years of booze, drugs,

00:40:36and getting blown to smithereens a few times has on a body.

00:40:40I ain't in basketball shape no more, that's apparent.

00:40:44It feels like my heart's gonna cave in on itself if I don't throw it up first.

00:40:48Fuck.

00:40:50Gotta get to a gym soon.

00:40:52But it's incredible what adrenaline can do,

00:40:54and I power through the pain and into the driver's seat.

00:40:57I hit the ignition button and peel off,

00:40:59fishtailing like a motherfucker in the desert sand.

00:41:01Ironic, I think.

00:41:03Fish, desert, whatever, not the time.

00:41:05As my car plows in the direction in which they split,

00:41:08I grab my phone and thumb up the sat-tracking app.

00:41:12It says that the phone is still where it was.

00:41:15The blinking icon tells me its location is staying behind as I drive forward.

00:41:19Shit, she doesn't have it on her anymore,

00:41:21which means I can't afford to lose them.

00:41:24The trail of dust from the pickup gives me enough of an arrow to start,

00:41:28and now I just have to catch them and stay far enough back that they don't see me,

00:41:32but not so far that I lose them.

00:41:34My one hope is that if Ricky DEA spots me in his rearview, he'll be cool about it,

00:41:39which seems like a real fucking stretch to imagine right now, but I gotta hope.

00:41:43Which I will.

00:41:44Because shit.

00:41:46I'm nothing if not a goddamn motherfucking cock-licking optimist.

00:41:52Everybody fucking says so.

00:42:04I've been shooting before.

00:42:06I've handled guns.

00:42:07I'm familiar.

00:42:09I met this prepper chick a few years back at one of my many martial arts classes

00:42:14and ended up at her family bunker out in the desert one weekend

00:42:17where she let me shoot all the guns I wanted at their homemade range.

00:42:21So I know what gunfire sounds like.

00:42:24It's louder than you can imagine.

00:42:26Real-life gunfire isn't anything like what you hear in the movies.

00:42:30There's just no way to replicate that when watching a film.

00:42:33You can't feel the sound waves hitting your body,

00:42:36or smell the gunpowder filtering up into your nose,

00:42:40or see the clear air change to hazy smoke before your eyes.

00:42:44The preppers out at that desert bunker were a crazy bunch, no doubt.

00:42:48But what happens in Carlos Castillo's compound is something right out of Narcos.

00:42:54And I just stand there, paralyzed with fear.

00:42:58The drone explodes and people start shouting,

00:43:01Get down! Get down!

00:43:03Bullets spit out of long-barreled assault rifles and short staccato bursts.

00:43:08Someone grabs me by the arm and pulls me inside,

00:43:11where Carlos is crawling across the floor towards me,

00:43:14barking orders for one of his men to go outside and grab the map.

00:43:18At which point, the guy looks outside and thinks about this order for maybe two seconds

00:43:23before looking back at Carlos with an expression that quite clearly says,

00:43:28No fucking way, ese.

00:43:30Carlos shoots him in the head, and there's no two-second hesitation on his part.

00:43:36Minions' brains just splat a red blob on the peach-colored plaster wall behind him,

00:43:42and yeah, game over.

00:43:44The gun goes off so close to my ear it's still ringing five minutes later.

00:43:49Now I'm stuck in a closet.

00:43:51The doors are just those louvered things that look like shutters,

00:43:55so I can sorta see what's happening in the room.

00:43:58Carlos is changing into some old baggy jeans and a sweat-stained t-shirt.

00:44:03It takes me a moment to realize he's actually trading clothes with a gardener,

00:44:07and the gardener, once I get a glimpse of him through the thin slits of wood,

00:44:11looks like he's about to shit his pants, because he is now the decoy.

00:44:16If anyone else gets killed today, it will be him.

00:44:20I don't want him to get killed.

00:44:22I mean, I get it, he works for Carlos Castillo,

00:44:25so he should have known what he was getting himself into,

00:44:28but that was my drone,

00:44:30and the only person who can fly my drone that badly is Tyler.

00:44:34And I know Tyler was just worried about me, and he's not, like, gonna storm the place.

00:44:39He'd never do that.

00:44:41Right?

00:44:42Right?

00:44:44Tyler, I whisper softly, closing my eyes.

00:44:48The barrage of yelling and gunfire is still happening all over the compound.

00:44:52Do not get yourself killed because you're worried about me,

00:44:56because if you do, I will hunt you down in heaven and kill you again myself.

00:45:01The closet door is open, startling me, so I stumble backward into the hanging clothes,

00:45:06and Carlos is standing two inches away, glaring down at me.

00:45:10What?

00:45:11He barks over the compound to commotion.

00:45:13What did you say?

00:45:15Holy fucking shit.

00:45:17How the hell did he hear me?

00:45:19Hail Mary, full of grace.

00:45:21I stammer, trying my best to remember the prayer.

00:45:24Carlos squints his eyes at me, and for a moment, I swear to God,

00:45:27I think he's gonna shoot me in the head, too.

00:45:30But then his eyes soften, and he places his hand on my cheek and says,

00:45:34Don't worry. We're getting out of here.

00:45:37And then he leans in and kisses me, right on the lips.

00:45:41I don't kiss him back, but he doesn't have a chance to notice,

00:45:44because Logan is behind him, yelling,

00:45:46Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! in Spanish.

00:45:50And it strikes me that this all seems like a massively disproportional reaction to seeing a drone.

00:45:56But then I also remember that drones drop bombs on people sometimes, so...

00:46:01And then Ricky is there, grabbing me roughly by the arm.

00:46:05I try to catch his gaze, but he refuses to look at me

00:46:08as he drags me behind Carlos and Logan, and we make our way through the house,

00:46:12just as all the gunfire ceases.

00:46:15Things go quiet, like unearthly still,

00:46:19as I'm forced to follow them down hallways and through rooms

00:46:22until we finally make our way outside and through a courtyard to a small building

00:46:26where, inside, a little pickup truck is waiting.

00:46:29Get in, Logan says in Spanish,

00:46:32not pointing to the cab of the truck, but to the bed.

00:46:36I frown. What?

00:46:38Carlos leans into my ear and says,

00:46:40We have to hide you under the tarp until things are safe.

00:46:43Don't worry. There's a mattress to keep you comfortable.

00:46:47And then he throws back the tarp to reveal an old, stained, lumpy piece of shit

00:46:52that looks very much like something that used to be a mattress, like, 50 years ago.

00:46:57Well, that's fucking wonderful.

00:46:59And I almost hesitate, but then I replay the whole

00:47:02head-splatting-against-the-plaster-wall scene,

00:47:05and decide to do what I'm told.

00:47:07I'm still wearing this stupid, stringy bikini,

00:47:10so I do not, like absolutely do not,

00:47:14want to crawl into that bed, giving them all a view of my ass.

00:47:18But I have no choice. I do it.

00:47:21I climb in and crawl across the mattress,

00:47:23and to my horror, Carlos climbs in next to me.

00:47:27His arms automatically reach around my waist.

00:47:30He pulls me close to his body as Ricky throws the tarp over both of us.

00:47:34I catch Ricky's gaze for one second,

00:47:37but then the tarp covers us, and everything goes dark.

00:47:41It's eerily quiet for a few seconds.

00:47:44No gunfire, no shouting, no nothing.

00:47:47Just the sound of my own heartbeat thumping in my chest,

00:47:50and then,

00:47:51SHHHH,

00:47:52Carlos whispers in my ear,

00:47:54just before the truck doors slam in unison,

00:47:57and the engine starts up.

00:47:59We'll be fine.

00:48:00Logan won't let them get us.

00:48:02He'll die before he lets that happen.

00:48:05Will he?

00:48:06I mean, Carlos beat the ever-loving shit out of Logan last night.

00:48:10His face is swollen and purple.

00:48:12I don't even think he can see out of one eye.

00:48:14That's how puffy it is.

00:48:16So will he? Really?

00:48:18I just don't believe it.

00:48:20There's a part of me that wonders if Logan isn't here

00:48:22to do exactly the same thing Ricky and I are doing.

00:48:25Not for the same reasons, of course.

00:48:27But family or not,

00:48:29underlings sometimes have grand ambitions,

00:48:32and Logan definitely strikes me as that type of nephew.

00:48:36Maybe he's just biding his time,

00:48:38waiting on Carlos to get himself killed so he can take over.

00:48:42And if that happens, I think...

00:48:44I think I'm just a piece of property that Logan would inherit.

00:48:49What have you started, Tyler?

00:48:51Carlos pets my head,

00:48:53sapping me back to the reality of this current situation.

00:48:57And the only thing that keeps me from gagging and revulsion

00:49:00at that disgusting display of affection

00:49:02is the fact that one hand is no longer pressing on my lower belly.

00:49:06The truck is on the move now, heading God knows where.

00:49:10My heart begins to flutter with panic.

00:49:12The dirty roads around here are bumpy,

00:49:15so of course we hit a pothole going around a corner,

00:49:18and my body goes flying up in the air,

00:49:20which gives Carlos an opportunity to pull me closer.

00:49:23And when I stop flopping from the bumpy road,

00:49:26his hand slips right between my legs.

00:49:29The bikini is so skimpy,

00:49:31his fingertips actually flitter across my clit.

00:49:35And I do not care who the fuck he is right now.

00:49:38I don't care if he's goddamned Scarface Incarnate.

00:49:42I break free of his grasp, throw the tarp off of me,

00:49:45and I'm ready to jump out of this stupid truck and run.

00:49:48Madison, he barks, get back under the tarp.

00:49:52He grabs me by the arm so hard, there's no getting away.

00:49:56And a moment later, I'm back under, pretty much on top of him now,

00:50:00and his hands are all over my ass, caressing me,

00:50:04like this is supposed to make me feel better.

00:50:07Carlos Castillo.

00:50:09I growl, trying to find his eyes in the hazy darkness.

00:50:13I'm so pissed off.

00:50:15Easy there, Red.

00:50:17Devil says, play it cool, bitch.

00:50:19So I close my eyes for the count of one,

00:50:22take a deep breath,

00:50:23and in my calmest scarlet voice I say,

00:50:27This is not my idea of a glamorous getaway.

00:50:30You should have an airstrip,

00:50:32a private plane ready to take me to a yacht.

00:50:34I mean, what kind of bullshit is this?

00:50:37I actually think I'm getting bit by something.

00:50:39Does this mattress have fleas?

00:50:41Were there goats sleeping on this disgusting bag of filth before today?

00:50:45Because I'll tell you what,

00:50:46you'd better not so much as scowl at me

00:50:48when you see all the bed bug bites I have

00:50:50when we get to wherever we're going.

00:50:52And you'd better have antibiotics waiting for me, too.

00:50:55After all I've been through in my life,

00:50:57I refuse, refuse to die of typhoid or tetanus

00:51:01or some equally third-world bullshit

00:51:04just because you're afraid to fly.

00:51:06There's like five or six seconds of silence.

00:51:10Just the rumble of the engine in this old-ass truck

00:51:13and the wind flapping against the heavy canvas tarp

00:51:16as we race away to parts unknown.

00:51:18Oh, shit, Angel says.

00:51:21Now you've done it.

00:51:23And I might have.

00:51:24Ricky's right.

00:51:25I really do have a temper problem

00:51:27because I think Carlos is holding his breath.

00:51:30And now I'm holding my breath

00:51:32and I'm pretty sure he's gonna pull out a knife or a gun

00:51:35and cut my heart out or shoot me in the head.

00:51:38He laughs so loud I startle.

00:51:40And he laughs so long I figure he's actually gone insane.

00:51:44I brace myself for the violence,

00:51:46for the sharp pain as he sticks a knife in my ribs

00:51:49or the crack of a gun as he blows my brains out.

00:51:52But instead, his long laugh devolves into a chuckle

00:51:56and he kisses me on the lips again.

00:51:58I love your spirit.

00:52:00I have been right all along.

00:52:02You're the perfect woman for me.

00:52:04I... I am?

00:52:07I stammer, unsure where this is going.

00:52:10Thoroughly disgusted at the second kiss

00:52:13but too afraid to say so.

00:52:15You know what you want and you go after it.

00:52:18I love that about you.

00:52:21Okay, Devil says.

00:52:23Lay down the ground rules, Chica.

00:52:25This is your only chance.

00:52:27Scarface respects you.

00:52:29Time to remind him of your deal.

00:52:31We had a deal, right?

00:52:33I say, finding his eyes and staring him down.

00:52:36You be patient with me, I'll be patient with you.

00:52:39And that means you do not take advantage of me

00:52:42because we're in this dangerous situation.

00:52:44You keep your hands away from my pussy, Mr. Casio.

00:52:48Or I'll... I'll...

00:52:50Or you'll what?

00:52:52He asks, but not angrily.

00:52:54Kind of playfully, which is revolting.

00:52:57Tell me what you'll do if I don't respect you, Madison Clayton.

00:53:02Make it good, Angel says.

00:53:05God helps those who help themselves.

00:53:08I want to punch her, but she's right.

00:53:11Carlos expects some classic Maddie right now

00:53:14so I pull myself together, take a deep breath and say

00:53:17I'll make you weak with want.

00:53:20I'll give you just enough to make you crave more

00:53:23and then withhold all the very best parts of me.

00:53:26I'll be with you, but never truly with you, Carlos Castillo.

00:53:31I'll be yours, but you'll still be alone.

00:53:34Because we made a deal, and if you break your promise to me on day two

00:53:38then how could I ever trust you with my heart?

00:53:41He blinks three times and a sliver of sunshine filtering its way

00:53:46through a crack in the tarp, but says nothing.

00:53:50I couldn't... trust you, I mean.

00:53:53And relationships are built on trust, Carlos.

00:53:56Trust is earned, so if you want me, truly want me

00:54:01then we have to do it right and build that trust together.

00:54:05Angel and Devil stand united on my right shoulder,

00:54:08high-fiving each other.

00:54:10Nailed it, Devil says after their hands slap.

00:54:14But Carlos remains silent.

00:54:17Shit.

00:54:19Don't say a word, Angel whispers.

00:54:24Let him come to you.

00:54:26The seconds tick off and I start counting.

00:54:29One one thousand, two one thousand.

00:54:32And when I get to eight one thousand, he says

00:54:36You are the only woman I want.

00:54:40We can do it your way.

00:54:42I smile, I even force it to reach my eyes,

00:54:46place a hand on his cheek and gaze lovingly into his hard gaze,

00:54:49a move that might have won me an Academy Award if I was an actress,

00:54:53and say,

00:54:55One day, Carlos, I think we'll look back on this moment

00:54:59and think this was the moment when we redefined our future,

00:55:03and I will kiss you on the lips as we replay it in our minds and say,

00:55:08This was the beginning of everything that came next.

00:55:12I kiss him now, force myself to do it,

00:55:15to make him believe,

00:55:17to remind myself why I'm doing it.

00:55:20It's awful, but I do it.

00:55:22It's the forced cohesion of two like ends of a magnet,

00:55:27parts of a whole that are decidedly repulsive,

00:55:30entirely repellent.

00:55:32And what comes next, when he kisses me back,

00:55:35isn't the explosive fever of love,

00:55:38but the inevitable combustion of two volatile chemicals.

00:55:43His kiss is an agreement to be patient,

00:55:46mine, nothing but the promise of payback.

00:55:50Our truce is tentative,

00:55:52like that moment when a match is being held over a puddle of gasoline,

00:55:56right before the fingers holding it let go and it falls,

00:56:00like angels fall from heaven,

00:56:02and Carlos and I are there together.

00:56:05This is going to end badly,

00:56:08but revenge always has a price,

00:56:11and I'm willing to pay it.

00:56:17Chapter 19

00:56:19Tyler

00:56:22We're headed west.

00:56:24The winter sun is already starting to set and it's not even five o'clock.

00:56:27I don't think.

00:56:29I don't have a watch and the battery on my fucking phone is dead.

00:56:32There's a clock in the Defender,

00:56:34but I tried to change it when daylight savings time ended,

00:56:36and I think I managed to set it to Tokyo time somehow.

00:56:39Fancy fucking car.

00:56:41But I'm pretty good about tracking time,

00:56:42and I've been counting in my head to keep myself focused,

00:56:44and it feels like we've been driving just about three hours or so.

00:56:47It would seem that I've been doing a good enough job

00:56:50of keeping my distance from the truck that I haven't called attention to myself.

00:56:53Or if I have, Ricky DEA has chosen to ignore it.

00:56:57No way to know which, I guess.

00:56:59There was one moment where it sped up a little,

00:57:01which made me think they might be trying to lose me,

00:57:03but then it pulled over at a gas station,

00:57:05and Logan hopped out and ran to the little boy's room.

00:57:08The whole time there was no movement in the back.

00:57:10I kept willing Maddy to throw the tarp off and jump out,

00:57:13and then I'd grab her and we'd make a break for it,

00:57:15but there's no way for her to know that I'm still here, I suppose.

00:57:19The idea of her pressed up against this Carlos fuckweed for all this time

00:57:23has got me seething, but I'm keeping it together.

00:57:26I must really be scared of whoever he thinks is after him

00:57:29if he's willing to lie in the back of that busted-ass ride for this long.

00:57:33Of course, Maddy is there cushioning the trip for him,

00:57:37but nope, not gonna fucking go there.

00:57:40Stop. Head in the game.

00:57:42Speaking of gas stations, I hope to hell we get where we're going soon,

00:57:45otherwise I might just run dry.

00:57:47The gauge is sitting right on fucking empty.

00:57:50All in, I've driven damn near seven hours today.

00:57:54I'm actually impressed I'm still going.

00:57:56It's a nice car and all, but it ain't no hybrid, that's for damn sure.

00:58:00There's a sign just up ahead.

00:58:02Ensenada.

00:58:04And now I can see a huge Mexican flag coming into view

00:58:07right at the edge of the water where the final streaks of light

00:58:10from the setting sun are being cast off the ocean.

00:58:13The flag is gigantic, towering over the city like a watchman.

00:58:18There's a harbor and a cruise ship all decorated with Christmas lights.

00:58:22Maybe it's just because I was in the Navy and I have a

00:58:24been-there-done-that attitude about being on the sea,

00:58:26but I hate cruise ships,

00:58:28and I really can't imagine going on a fucking cruise for a holiday vacation

00:58:31stuck with a bunch of jerk-offs in Madras shorts being coerced into forced frivolity.

00:58:36But right now, comparatively,

00:58:38I'd take Maddy, a piña colada, and shuffleboard in a second

00:58:41over the bullshit we're into.

00:58:43The truck turns left up ahead and I follow.

00:58:46It's dark enough now that I should turn on my headlights,

00:58:48but I don't know if that'd call more attention to me, so I leave them off.

00:58:52The whole time my eyes are fixed on the gas gauge.

00:58:55The mileage meter told me that I was going to run out of fuel about 15 miles ago,

00:58:59and I don't know how much of a reserve this thing has built in,

00:59:02so I'm just keeping my nuts crossed that we're almost to wherever there is.

00:59:07And then, mercifully, once again,

00:59:09as if willed by the Christmas gods,

00:59:12unto me is delivered news of great motherfucking joy.

00:59:17The truck pulls up to a guard gate right along the beach.

00:59:21There's a long, tall brick wall that runs parallel to the ocean,

00:59:26spanning easily a mile or more in either direction from the guard station.

00:59:30Looks like a fancy gated community.

00:59:33A private beach, probably, only for the rich assholes who live beyond its walls.

00:59:38I don't know why I'm so hung up all of a sudden on the fact that Carlos is rich,

00:59:41because who cares?

00:59:43But it's not that he's got money that's bothering me.

00:59:46It's how he got it, and what he does with it,

00:59:49and how he uses his money and power to serve himself only.

00:59:53I guess it bugs me because in some ways he reminds me of another selfish, rich asshole I know.

00:59:59And as soon as we're out of this clusterfuck,

01:00:01I want to talk to Maddie about doing something good, too.

01:00:04Something that means something.

01:00:06Just like how she signed onto this because it was important for her to do something meaningful

01:00:10so that she can move forward with her life,

01:00:13I want to do that also.

01:00:15And I want us to do it together.

01:00:17And I'm fully aware that there's a chance she'll be pissed as hell at me

01:00:20for showing up here in the first place.

01:00:22I'm not a kid, Tyler. I had everything under control.

01:00:25But there are other ways she can move forward and still do good.

01:00:29Ways that don't involve imminent mortal peril.

01:00:32She's sacrificed enough, if you ask me.

01:00:35And while I have zero idea how I can contribute value to the world,

01:00:40I'm sure there are ways.

01:00:43But I want us to figure out what those things are as a unit, as a team,

01:00:47because I never want her to be away from me like this again.

01:00:51Not if there's another option.

01:00:54New Year's is right around the corner.

01:00:56And even though I've never made a resolution before because I've always known

01:00:59I was just going to break them, so why bother?

01:01:02This year it feels like it's worth it to try.

01:01:05And even though I realize that resolving to be a better person than a murdering drug trafficker

01:01:09is a pretty low bar, you gotta start somewhere.

01:01:13This is what's running through my head as the Defender's engine whines and gasps,

01:01:17trying to force one more drop of gasoline to combust into forward-moving energy,

01:01:22but it can't.

01:01:24There's no more left.

01:01:26The car wheezes and coughs one last time, and then sputters finally to a stop.

01:01:31It's pretty well dark now, and there aren't really any other cars that I can see.

01:01:35Presumably most people are home with their families, putting presents under trees

01:01:38and telling their kids about Santa Claus and shit.

01:01:41But I can't risk someone coming along and finding me or it, so I need to get it off the road.

01:01:46I throw it in neutral, hop out, and push this heavy bastard into the overgrowth

01:01:50on the other side of the street.

01:01:52It's harder than I thought it'd be.

01:01:55That roll cage adds some serious weight.

01:01:57Fucking roll cage.

01:01:59Now, how best to breach the wall that protects whatever's on the other side?

01:02:03I could try and scale it, but it's tall, it's stone, and I'm not Batman, so that's out.

01:02:08I could also try and survey how far it runs along each side

01:02:11and determine if there are any possible access points,

01:02:13but the shit looks seriously like it goes on forever, and I also risk exposing myself.

01:02:18Think. Think.

01:02:21And that's when I hear the ticking sound of the Defender's cooling and exhausted engine,

01:02:26and I have an idea.

01:02:28It's not the best idea I've ever had.

01:02:31It's dangerous, unpredictable, arguably excessive, and could very well make things worse.

01:02:38But unless I figure out how to get inside there,

01:02:40I won't know how bad things are for Maddy over that wall,

01:02:43and not knowing or being able to do anything about it seems worse, so fuck it.

01:02:48I grab my rucksack out of the back and pull out the t-shirts I have stuffed in there.

01:02:53I toss them onto the front seat.

01:02:55Then I gather up some dried palm branches and other foliage that's laying around on the ground

01:02:59on top of the shirts.

01:03:01I have an eerie moment of deja vu thinking back to Halloween,

01:03:05the night I set my apartment on fire.

01:03:07This is different, of course.

01:03:09I was a bit out of my mind then and had just discovered that Maddy was Maddy

01:03:13and that she pretty much hated my guts and it seemed like my life was ending,

01:03:16and so I kind of went insane.

01:03:18Setting my place on fire was a reaction to everything that was happening that night.

01:03:22This, on the other hand, is a decisive action that I'm taking to rescue Maddy

01:03:28knowing that we've declared our love for each other and we plan to be together

01:03:31because that's what lovers do.

01:03:33Shit.

01:03:35That's just what decent friends do.

01:03:38They show up for the other no matter what and they're there when they're needed.

01:03:42When the time comes, they're the one person you can count on,

01:03:45the one who has your back.

01:03:47I've had that illuminated for me over these last couple of months

01:03:50with startling, high-def clarity.

01:03:53And that's what this is that I'm doing now.

01:03:56It's decent.

01:03:57It's romantic.

01:03:59It's needed.

01:04:01And it's totally, totally sane.

01:04:04Right?

01:04:06Anyway.

01:04:08I go to the back of the car again and lift the mat that covers the spare tire

01:04:11and roadside emergency kit.

01:04:13I grab up the kit, open it, and pull out the two road flares that are inside.

01:04:18I take a breath, looking at my car.

01:04:20There's a moment of wistful nostalgia.

01:04:23A few weeks ago, I didn't even want a car, but now I'm kind of attached to it.

01:04:27Not because of the car itself, but because...

01:04:31Because it's one of the first things Maddy and I talked about.

01:04:34Back when she was Scarlet and I was just jabbering to her.

01:04:38Because it's what I was driving the night I found her running from Logan and Ricky

01:04:41in the alley behind Pete's.

01:04:43Because...

01:04:44Shit.

01:04:46Because of the thing Raven said to me when she was giving me advice

01:04:49about how to handle my situation with Maddy.

01:04:52Your car, she said.

01:04:55It's a defender, right?

01:04:57But hell.

01:04:59Now Pete's is gone.

01:05:01And so is Pete, for that matter.

01:05:03And Maddy's Maddy, not Scarlet.

01:05:06And I'm me, not fucking Ford Aston.

01:05:10I still chuckle every time I think about the fact that that's the name I came up with.

01:05:15Ford Aston.

01:05:17As if.

01:05:19The simple truth is that nobody gets what they want in life without paying a price.

01:05:24Everything comes at a cost.

01:05:27It's been that way since the beginning of time.

01:05:30Adam and Eve wanted to eat the apple.

01:05:33But the price they had to pay is that paradise was taken from them.

01:05:37And if that myth is true...

01:05:39Then hell.

01:05:40It's Christmas Eve, so if we're going to buy into a friggin' virgin birth

01:05:44then Adam and Eve is no more implausible.

01:05:47Then we've all been paying for their fuck-up ever since.

01:05:51And that is an expensive goddamn toll to ante up for.

01:05:56So I guess if, in order to get Maddy back in my arms,

01:06:01I gotta torch a Land Rover Defender that I paid $500,000 for, well...

01:06:06While it stings a little.

01:06:08It really ain't nothing compared to all that other shit.

01:06:11I pop the top off one road flare, ignite it, toss it into the car,

01:06:16and then do the same with the other.

01:06:19If you set it right, a car can go up in flames pretty goddamn fast.

01:06:23They don't really explode, though.

01:06:25When I see that in a movie, I usually roll my eyes.

01:06:27Because it just ain't likely to happen.

01:06:29Unless, of course, there's a flammable metal or some other explosive component involved,

01:06:34like magnesium.

01:06:35If a car has magnesium components, boom.

01:06:37Huh.

01:06:39I don't know if mine does when I stop to think of it.

01:06:42This could turn into a much bigger deal than I'm anticipating.

01:06:45But only one way to find out.

01:06:48What's guaranteed is that the dampeners that hold the hood and tailgates and stuff

01:06:52will absolutely explode and blow shit off the car.

01:06:55The wheels will explode, too, and that's what I'm expecting to happen first.

01:06:59After I toss the flares, I throw on my pack and hoof it out of the way as fast as I can,

01:07:04trying to position myself where I can see the guards.

01:07:07I'm maybe a thousand feet away at this point, just under a quarter of a mile or so.

01:07:12And when they hear the gunshot-like sound of the tires exploding, they should come running.

01:07:18Again, this plan is unpredictable, dangerous, possibly excessive,

01:07:22and may not result in anyone being pulled away from a guard gate to investigate shit.

01:07:26I have no idea.

01:07:28But I'm fucking in it now.

01:07:30So I wait.

01:07:32The interior goes up in flames really fast, as expected.

01:07:36It burns quickly. It's just skin, after all.

01:07:39And skin burns pretty fast when it's all lit up.

01:07:42I know.

01:07:44There's a nice toasty marshmallow roast-sized inferno baking away

01:07:48when I see that the flames have spread up inside the interior panel

01:07:52because I can clock smoke and a hint of fire peeking out from under the hood now.

01:07:57And in under a minute...

01:07:59Pow.

01:08:01The hood supports blow, and the hood slams up, cracking the windshield.

01:08:05That actually seems to have been loud enough to draw some attention.

01:08:08Two guys who I guess are community guards, even though they're not dressed in uniforms or anything,

01:08:12step out to the road and crane their necks to see what's going on.

01:08:16This is encouraging.

01:08:18And then the tires explode.

01:08:20Holy shit.

01:08:22I was not expecting it to be that loud.

01:08:24Nor was I expecting the Defender crashing down to make the squealing noise it does,

01:08:29but it sure as shit gets the job done.

01:08:31The two guys come running in the direction of the fire,

01:08:33which is now burning enough to be seen from where they are.

01:08:36One of them grabs up a walkie-talkie and shouts something in Spanish,

01:08:38and suddenly two more guys are running out in the direction of the fire too.

01:08:42Looking through the binoculars, I can see no one manning the gate anymore,

01:08:45so I decide, this is my shot.

01:08:48I gotta get in there and see if I can find the truck and hopefully find Matty.

01:08:52But when I go to take my first step...

01:08:55I find it hard to will my legs to move.

01:08:59Fuck.

01:09:00Please, not again. Not now. Don't do this to me.

01:09:04I have no idea how long these dudes will be away before they run back

01:09:08to get a fire extinguisher or call for reinforcements or whatever.

01:09:11I have to go now.

01:09:13So I close my eyes and I think of Matty's face.

01:09:17Underneath me.

01:09:18Smiling.

01:09:20Telling me she loves me.

01:09:22And in a second, that image gives way to an almost too-soon-forgotten lifetime of memories.

01:09:28Scotty, Matty, me.

01:09:31All jumbling together and cascading over one another.

01:09:35And I take that first step.

01:09:38It feels like I'm running through molasses or quicksand.

01:09:42But I'm moving.

01:09:44And as the memories tumble past, faster and faster, my gate gets faster too,

01:09:49and before I know it,

01:09:51I'm in a full sprint and tearing past the unmanned gate at the entrance to seek.

01:09:57Are you kidding me?

01:09:59Wow. It's not a private community.

01:10:02I mean, it is, but...

01:10:05Jesus.

01:10:07Fucking Carlos Castillo.

01:10:19What a way to spend Christmas Eve.

01:10:22But really, you'd think God would cut me a break or something.

01:10:26The drive is pure torture.

01:10:29I'm talking, I'd rather script for the devil in eternal damnation

01:10:32than spend one more goddamned minute listening to Carlos whisper his grand plans for our future together in my ear.

01:10:39I want to throw up.

01:10:41And we're on the run from...

01:10:43whatever he thinks we're on the run from.

01:10:46But all he keeps talking about is us.

01:10:49What the hell have I gotten myself into?

01:10:52I'm freezing, hungry, and there's a cramp in my leg that's been burning for hours,

01:10:57and no matter how I try to change positions, I can't make it go away.

01:11:01Plus, every time I move to try and get more comfortable,

01:11:05Carlos's hands are there, pulling my body back next to his.

01:11:10I can't deny needing his body heat.

01:11:13It's been hot as hell out, and I'm sure it still is,

01:11:16but I can't feel it.

01:11:18I feel the cold.

01:11:20Maybe it's fear, and I don't know it.

01:11:23Or maybe it's that I'm wearing an outfit that's nothing but strings and strips of fabric.

01:11:28I've had enough.

01:11:30Several hours ago.

01:11:32Finally, well after dark, the engine finally cuts off,

01:11:36and there's the sound of many sets of feet as they rush over to the truck.

01:11:40The tarp is pulled back to reveal a perfectly dark, starlit night above my head.

01:11:46I squint up at it as Logan helps Carlos out of the bed.

01:11:50Then Ricky has my arm, pulling on me to follow.

01:11:53Where are we? I ask Ricky.

01:11:56But he says nothing, just hands me off to Carlos,

01:11:59who takes my arm and begins walking towards a...

01:12:02house? mansion? hotel?

01:12:05I plant my feet, making Carlos stop and say,

01:12:08Where the fuck are we?

01:12:10Only this time it's loud, and ragey.

01:12:13Because I've had enough.

01:12:15I need some fucking reality right now.

01:12:18You don't need to know where we are, Logan starts.

01:12:21But Carlos cuts him off with one raised hand.

01:12:24We're home.

01:12:26I don't normally spend a lot of time here.

01:12:28I prefer the open desert.

01:12:30I had a deal with the Federales.

01:12:33I stay out of Ensenada.

01:12:35That lets me live in peace.

01:12:37He stares down at me, his dark eyes suddenly blazing with anger.

01:12:41But they broke our deal today.

01:12:45And that's when something explodes outside the compound.

01:12:49Men start shouting in Spanish.

01:12:51Everyone, and I do mean everyone, in my sight, has a gun out.

01:12:55Half a dozen armed men are rushing towards the front gates.

01:12:59Carlos points to Logan and says,

01:13:01Levala al mis apartmentos.

01:13:04No.

01:13:05Logan grabs my arm, not roughly, but not gently either,

01:13:09and starts pulling me away.

01:13:11Wait, I say resisting, where will you be?

01:13:14I'm happy to be out of that truck,

01:13:15and I'm delighted that Carlos is no longer touching me.

01:13:18But Logan?

01:13:20I do not want to be alone with Logan.

01:13:22I'm the reason his face looks like pulp today.

01:13:25I have work to do, Carlos snaps back.

01:13:28Like I'm sort of stupid if I can't figure out

01:13:30that an explosion outside his safe house trumps my needs.

01:13:34We'll have dinner soon.

01:13:35Take a bath and dress so you're ready when I call for you.

01:13:38Dinner?

01:13:39A bath?

01:13:40Fuck.

01:13:41And then Logan stops pretending to be gentle and yanks on my arm.

01:13:45I look back over my shoulder to see if Carlos caught that,

01:13:48but he's already walking away,

01:13:50talking in hushed whispers to other men

01:13:52as a stream of black smoke fills the air above the concrete block walls

01:13:56around this new compound.

01:13:58The only good news is that Ricky follows Logan.

01:14:01That is my first lucky break today.

01:14:04He stays well behind us, but at least he's nearby.

01:14:07I need to get him alone.

01:14:09I need to know what the hell is happening.

01:14:11I need to know if that really was Tyler flying my drone,

01:14:14and I need to make sure he's okay.

01:14:16I mean, I know it was Tyler.

01:14:18I've seen his drone moves.

01:14:20And then the memory of our date night out at the Hoover Dam comes to mind,

01:14:24and I smile.

01:14:26What the fuck are you smiling at?

01:14:28Logan barks, pulling hard on my arm again.

01:14:31Your uncle, I say,

01:14:33letting him pull me along the outside of the...

01:14:36house? Mansion? Hotel?

01:14:38It's huge, just like the compound.

01:14:41But this new place is very different than the last one.

01:14:44It looks and feels more like a small town than a residence.

01:14:48Why is this place so big, I ask,

01:14:51trying to take it all in.

01:14:53It's pretty dark, but there's lots of street lamps

01:14:55as Logan drags me down a sidewalk

01:14:57towards a group of buildings away from the main one where we parked.

01:15:01Because, Logan says,

01:15:03my uncle needs to keep our smugglers happy and close to work.

01:15:07And this place is how he does that.

01:15:09Oh, I say.

01:15:11Good to know, Logan.

01:15:13Thank you very much for the first real piece of intel all day.

01:15:16But Logan stops abruptly and tightens his grip on my arm,

01:15:20squeezes it hard enough for me to feel a bruise forming in real time.

01:15:24What are you doing?

01:15:26You speak Spanish?

01:15:28He growls.

01:15:30And that's when I realize Logan just made that impromptu confession in Spanish,

01:15:35not English.

01:15:36And I just gave myself away.

01:15:38Not that I was hiding the fact that I understood them or anything,

01:15:41but I certainly never let on that I understood to anyone but Ricky.

01:15:45And he's on my side, so...

01:15:48Everyone speaks Spanish, I snap, trying to pull out of his grip.

01:15:52But he holds tight, his fingernails digging into my flesh.

01:15:56Does my uncle know this?

01:15:59Know what?

01:16:00That you're spying on him?

01:16:02I'm not fucking spying on him, you idiot.

01:16:04Like I said, everyone knows Spanish.

01:16:06But Logan grins.

01:16:08It looks painful, too.

01:16:10His left eye is swollen completely shut now,

01:16:13so it's more like a sinister wink than a smile.

01:16:16But it gets the job done, because my stomach flips with fear.

01:16:20Oye, vamos, Ricky says, coming up behind us.

01:16:24Es noche buena, y quiero imar a mi novia antes de ir a la cama.

01:16:31I stare at Logan, not even daring to look at Ricky,

01:16:35even though I want nothing more than to see his familiar face

01:16:38and know that he's got my back.

01:16:40Because I think I might have really fucked things up here.

01:16:44What did he say?

01:16:46Logan asks, nodding his head to Ricky.

01:16:48I shrug.

01:16:50I don't know, something about calling his friend before bed.

01:16:54Logan glares at me.

01:16:56Mentira, pequeña perra.

01:16:58I force myself to laugh.

01:17:00Now that I understood.

01:17:02And I'm going to tell your uncle you just called me a lying little bitch.

01:17:06Go ahead, Logan says, pulling me along the sidewalk again.

01:17:11We walk past what looks to be a private gas station

01:17:14where dozens of trucks are lined up for fuel.

01:17:17I bet this really is the staging point for Carlos Castillo's drug-running route.

01:17:21I mean, it sure looks the part.

01:17:23And it's all hidden behind massive concrete block walls.

01:17:27In fact, now that I look around a little, I notice a lot more, too.

01:17:32Dozens of people, all rushing around looking very fucking busy.

01:17:36And it's Christmas Eve.

01:17:38Maybe this is, like, the biggest night of the drug-running year?

01:17:41Like, all the U.S. border agents are busy being festive and shit

01:17:45so no one's minding the store?

01:17:47Tell him, Pluta.

01:17:49Logan growls.

01:17:51He's going to be very interested in your new skill set as a translator.

01:17:56You better up your game, Angel says, popping up on my shoulder.

01:18:00Because shit is getting real.

01:18:02This is the major league, Scarlet, not schoolyard kickball.

01:18:06It suddenly pisses me off that she's referring to me as Scarlet.

01:18:10Because Scarlet has retired.

01:18:12And fuck Angel for bringing her back from the dad.

01:18:15I'm goddamned Maddie Clayton, now and forever.

01:18:19But I don't have time to respond to her.

01:18:21Not when I need to respond to Logan.

01:18:23Because she's right.

01:18:24He's out to get me.

01:18:26If I fail and get myself killed for being a DEA informant,

01:18:30it'll be because Logan turns Carlos against me.

01:18:33So I swing for the fucking bleachers and say,

01:18:36And I'll tell him you slipped up and sold him out.

01:18:39Told me all about his business.

01:18:41And we all know what he does to people who disobey him, right?

01:18:45I can only imagine what he does to traitors.

01:18:47So you better be very careful about spreading rumors.

01:18:50Your uncle loves me.

01:18:52He wants to marry me.

01:18:53Wants me to have his babies.

01:18:55And I love him back just as much.

01:18:58I can't wait to give him sons.

01:19:00Sons who will one day take over his business.

01:19:03I have to choke that last part out.

01:19:06But I do it.

01:19:07Because a guy like Logan wouldn't put up with the abuse Carlos hands out

01:19:11if he didn't think he was gonna get something big in the end.

01:19:14Puta.

01:19:16He spits.

01:19:17Hijo de mi putas.

01:19:19I spit back.

01:19:20Okay.

01:19:21Okay.

01:19:22Ricky says coming between us.

01:19:24Vamos a dejarla, Logan.

01:19:27Tenemos trabajo para hacer esta noche.

01:19:30Yeah.

01:19:31Vamos, Logan.

01:19:33You've got work to do.

01:19:34Don't want to piss your uncle off again?

01:19:36You don't have another eye to spare.

01:19:38Callate, perra.

01:19:40Ricky shouts.

01:19:41It's so loud I startle backward.

01:19:44Fuck you!

01:19:45I yell back.

01:19:46Fuck both of you.

01:19:48Ricky takes my arm and drags me away, calling over his shoulder.

01:19:53I'll handle this whore.

01:19:54Meet me at the house.

01:19:56Except he says all that in Spanish.

01:19:59I don't look to see if Logan follows us or not,

01:20:01but he must take off and leave me to Ricky.

01:20:04Because a few seconds later, Ricky leans into my ear and says,

01:20:08What the fuck do you think you're doing?

01:20:10In English.

01:20:11Fuck that asshole.

01:20:13I'm not gonna let him get me killed, okay?

01:20:15You're doing a very good job of that yourself.

01:20:18Just shut your fucking mouth for once and let things go.

01:20:21He whisper-shouts that last part.

01:20:23He called me a slut, I seethe.

01:20:26And you called him the son of a thousand whores.

01:20:29Nice way to escalate a battle you can't win.

01:20:32What the fuck is going on, I ask.

01:20:34Where the fuck is Tyler?

01:20:36I thought that was him I saw.

01:20:38Son of a bitch.

01:20:39I can only hope he's still back in Mexicali,

01:20:42where he was not supposed to be in the first place.

01:20:44Fucking asshole.

01:20:46The two of you are an undercover agent's nightmare.

01:20:49You know that?

01:20:50This whole thing is fubar.

01:20:52I'm getting you out of here tonight, you understand?

01:20:55And then he takes my hand and slips something into it.

01:20:58What's that? I ask.

01:21:00It'll knock Carlos out cold.

01:21:02Slip it into his drink at dinner,

01:21:04and be ready for evacuation at 3 AM.

01:21:06Got it?

01:21:07Oh, okay.

01:21:09Fucking James Bond, I say.

01:21:11Don't screw with me, Maddy.

01:21:13Just do it.

01:21:14Fuck that, I say.

01:21:16And now I'm the one whisper yelling.

01:21:18I didn't just spend most of a day pressed up against his disgusting body,

01:21:22listening to him daydream about all the babies I'm gonna give him for nothing.

01:21:26I'm not leaving until he's dead.

01:21:28Ricky's lips tighten, but he doesn't say anything else.

01:21:31Just keeps knee-moving along.

01:21:33We finally make our way to Carlos' apartments,

01:21:36and stop in front of a large double door

01:21:38guarded by two gigantic men with assault rifles at the ready.

01:21:42Ricky says,

01:21:44She's to stay inside, and not leave. Understand?

01:21:48In Spanish.

01:21:50They nod their affirmation,

01:21:52and Ricky opens the door, shoving me inside so hard,

01:21:55I fall to my knees on the floor.

01:21:57Keep your fucking mouth shut, and do as you're told.

01:22:00Again in Spanish.

01:22:02I'm about to tell him where he can stick his orders,

01:22:04but he slams the doors closed,

01:22:06and I hear the unmistakable sound of a key turning in a lock.

01:22:10Asshole!

01:22:14I shower and pick a dress out of the fully-stocked closet,

01:22:18one with a pocket,

01:22:20where I stash the pill Ricky gave me.

01:22:22Whose clothes are these, anyway?

01:22:25I force myself not to think about it.

01:22:27Instead, I pace the room for what seems like hours.

01:22:31It's already ten o'clock,

01:22:33and there's no way I'm leaving at three a.m. with Ricky if the job isn't done.

01:22:37It's goddamned Christmas Eve,

01:22:39and Santa's bringing baby a present.

01:22:42Carlos Castillo in handcuffs,

01:22:44and Logan, whatever his last name is, dead.

01:22:48Which means, double says,

01:22:51you just gotta get the job done before then, right?

01:22:54Don't be stupid, Maddie!

01:22:56I smirk at Angel's name and nomenclature.

01:22:59But yeah.

01:23:01Fuckin' right, I'm not Scarlet anymore.

01:23:04Put the drug in his drink and get out of here.

01:23:07Your Christmas present is living to see another day.

01:23:10I'm just about to answer her back

01:23:12when the locks on the door disengage and it swings open.

01:23:16Carlos walks in, slams the doors behind him,

01:23:19and lets out a long breath of air as he stares at me.

01:23:22Oh, shit.

01:23:24Logan told him, and he's pissed.

01:23:26But then he smiles.

01:23:28Madison, he says, coming towards me, arms outstretched.

01:23:33You look lovely tonight.

01:23:35I force a smile back and say,

01:23:37Thank you.

01:23:39Relieved that my threats to Logan actually worked.

01:23:42But I've been waiting forever, Carlos.

01:23:44And I'm starving.

01:23:45Are we having dinner yet? I'm so hungry.

01:23:48That's not even a lie.

01:23:50I am starving.

01:23:51But I just want to be taken to the dining room

01:23:54so I can slip the drug in his drink

01:23:56and then go scout out the property.

01:23:58I need to find something to bring this whole operation down

01:24:01before whatever Ricky has planned comes into play.

01:24:05I have more work to do.

01:24:07It's a big night.

01:24:08We have lots of business happening.

01:24:11But it's Christmas Eve.

01:24:13I whine.

01:24:14It's a stupid girly whine that makes me feel stupid,

01:24:17but I don't care.

01:24:18I need to get this shit on the road.

01:24:21We're just starting our new life together.

01:24:24It's funny how it's getting easier to lie about this fake future

01:24:27we're not planning together,

01:24:28and we need to celebrate it properly.

01:24:31Oh, we will, darling, he says, petting my hair.

01:24:35And then he claps his hands,

01:24:37and the doors swing open again.

01:24:39This time a staff of servers come in

01:24:41carrying platters and plates with silver domes covering them.

01:24:45They head into the dining room,

01:24:47and one produces a tablecloth,

01:24:49snapping it into submission as it's laid out on the table.

01:24:52After that, it's a whirlwind of glassware

01:24:55and dishes and bottles of champagne.

01:24:58Fuck yeah.

01:24:59We're having drinks.

01:25:01Fizzy ones which are perfect for dissolving pills.

01:25:04Now I just need a chance to plop it in.

01:25:07When all the table-setting fanfare is over,

01:25:10Carlos pulls out a chair for me.

01:25:12I smile politely and say,

01:25:14thank you, as I take my seat.

01:25:17He sits across from me, grinning like a boy

01:25:19as he opens his napkin and places it in his lap.

01:25:22Servants remove the silver domes over the plates and platters,

01:25:26revealing a proper Mexican Christmas feast.

01:25:29Delicious, I say,

01:25:31biting my lip a little to entice him to soften up

01:25:34and forget about work.

01:25:36Champagne is poured,

01:25:38and then Carlos orders the servants to leave us alone.

01:25:41A toast, he says, raising his glass.

01:25:45To our first night together.

01:25:47I raise mine, too,

01:25:49but tilt my head at him a little.

01:25:51Yes, well, technically it's our second night.

01:25:55But it's our first night as a couple.

01:25:58No, I say, correcting him again,

01:26:00we're still in the getting-to-know-each-other phase, right?

01:26:03I mean, we did agree.

01:26:05I've been thinking about that,

01:26:07he says, putting his drink down.

01:26:09You want a courtship, yes?

01:26:12Courtship?

01:26:14Jesus Christ, this guy, he's so delusional.

01:26:17Yes, I say, exactly, a courtship.

01:26:21Carlos smiles.

01:26:23It's kind of a sneaky smile,

01:26:25if I had to put a name to it.

01:26:27A sly smile, a cunning smile,

01:26:30like he's got a trick or two up his sleeve that I never thought of yet.

01:26:34Like a cat on the prowl after a mouse,

01:26:37where he's the cat and I'm the mouse,

01:26:40and I just walked right into his trap.

01:26:43Well, he says, getting up from the table to walk around behind me.

01:26:47He takes my hair in his hands, plays with it,

01:26:50his fingertips brushing against the back of my neck,

01:26:53making the little hair stand up on end.

01:26:56And not in a good way.

01:26:59Something is wrong here.

01:27:01He leans down,

01:27:03his lips pressing against my ear in a soft kiss.

01:27:06Well, that means we are dating, mi amor.

01:27:12And people who date do other things while they get to know each other.

01:27:16So you're going to stay with me now,

01:27:18every night in my bed, starting tonight.

01:27:22What do you think of that?

01:27:24I'm holding my breath, my chest tight,

01:27:27my mind racing with what this means.

01:27:30Other things?

01:27:32Si.

01:27:33He purrs into my ear, kissing my neck now,

01:27:36his hands on my shoulders.

01:27:38I didn't pick a revealing dress, but they were all strappy.

01:27:42He slides the straps down my arms now,

01:27:45his hand moving forward to caress my breasts.

01:27:48It takes every ounce of self-control not to elbow him in the mouth,

01:27:52every bit of willpower to let him touch me like this.

01:27:56I let that breath out, slowly, silently, and say,

01:28:00where are the tamales?

01:28:03What?

01:28:04He laughs, but it stops him,

01:28:06stops his kiss, stops his hands.

01:28:09Tamales, I say.

01:28:11I love tamales, the sweet ones, but I don't see any on the table.

01:28:16Don't you have any tamales?

01:28:18I turn in my chair to look up at him.

01:28:21Please, can you ask someone to get me some?

01:28:24He starts playing with my hair, a hungry look on his face,

01:28:28and not for the food on the table.

01:28:32Dessert comes later,

01:28:34and tamales weren't the sweet ending I had in mind.

01:28:38I will stay calm.

01:28:40I will think critically.

01:28:42I will win this game by being smart and strong and...

01:28:46Fuck it.

01:28:47Please, please, please, I beg him,

01:28:50standing up in my chair and turning so we're face to face.

01:28:54I place both hands on his cheeks,

01:28:57gaze lovingly into his eyes,

01:28:59then take one more for the team,

01:29:01lean in, and kiss him on the lips.

01:29:04He grabs at me, pawing at the straps on my dress

01:29:07like he's going to take me right now.

01:29:09His kiss is forceful, hard, and overly demanding.

01:29:13I will not let my revulsion fuck this up.

01:29:16I won't.

01:29:18So I kiss him back,

01:29:19and just as he's about to lose control, I pull away and say,

01:29:23Please, again, can you get me some tamales?

01:29:27I promise to thank you for it later.

01:29:30He hesitates, and I stop to consider that he may be crazy.

01:29:34He may think he's in love with me.

01:29:36Hell, he may actually be in love with me.

01:29:40But this tamale gambit is still pretty goddamn thin.

01:29:44But I'm in it now, and so I keep playing the game.

01:29:48Or I can thank you now if you prefer.

01:29:51And I wink at him,

01:29:53because I just need him to turn his back

01:29:55so I can slip the drug into his champagne.

01:29:58Once he does that, I can deal with whatever comes next.

01:30:02I will have to.

01:30:03He'll pass out soon.

01:30:05I just need to get that damn drug in his glass,

01:30:08or there's no way he's not going to fuck me tonight.

01:30:11His grin grows.

01:30:13Then he lets out a hearty laugh.

01:30:16Very well, give me a moment.

01:30:18Take your time, I say.

01:30:20He turns away and walks over to the large double doors,

01:30:23opening them wide,

01:30:24looks over his shoulder once,

01:30:26again with the hungry look,

01:30:28and then starts speaking to the guards.

01:30:31I whirl into action.

01:30:33I have the pill over the top of his glass in one blink.

01:30:36It plops into the fizzing champagne and begins to bubble.

01:30:40Carlos is still talking when I look over my shoulder to check,

01:30:44but when I look back at the glass,

01:30:46the pill is still clearly visible.

01:30:49Jesus.

01:30:50Fuck.

01:30:51Fuck.

01:30:52Leave it to Ricky to give me an insoluble drug.

01:30:55I stick my finger in the glass and give it a swirl real fast,

01:30:58still looking over my shoulder at Carlos' shoulders

01:31:01between the two half-open doors.

01:31:03I look back at the pill.

01:31:05Still there.

01:31:07I hear Carlos say,

01:31:08Gracias.

01:31:10Oh, my God.

01:31:11I'm so busted.

01:31:12My finger comes out.

01:31:13I sit back down and reach down to pick up my napkin on the floor

01:31:16where it fell when I stood up.

01:31:19The hand on my shoulder makes me gasp.

01:31:21What are you doing?

01:31:23Carlos asks.

01:31:24Waiting for you to deliver dessert, I say back,

01:31:27adding a coy smile to my play.

01:31:30What else?

01:31:31He stares at me.

01:31:33Then his gaze begins to wander around the table,

01:31:36looking for something out of place.

01:31:38Shit, shit, shit.

01:31:40I'm sure he's just about to spot the pill in his glass.

01:31:44Sure, I'm about to be raped, then killed.

01:31:47A shouting and a hard knock at the door

01:31:49pulls his attention in another direction.

01:31:52I exhale the breath I was holding.

01:31:54The doors burst open,

01:31:56and a man is standing there talking so fast in Spanish

01:31:59I can't keep up with the conversation.

01:32:02Something about a truck and a blockade near the border.

01:32:06Carlos turns back to me and says,

01:32:08I have to go,

01:32:09but I'll see you later when I come to bed for the night.

01:32:12He strokes my cheek,

01:32:13looks at me with real affection,

01:32:15and I let myself feel a little relief.

01:32:18I won't be raped and killed.

01:32:20Not yet, anyway.

01:32:22It's fine, I say, my voice slightly shaky.

01:32:26I'll be here.

01:32:27But then I get another idea.

01:32:30But before you go...

01:32:32Yes?

01:32:33Carlos asks,

01:32:34already walking towards the door

01:32:36to deal with whatever drug lord emergency he's having.

01:32:39Do you mind?

01:32:40I mean, it's Christmas Eve and all,

01:32:42and I'm all alone.

01:32:44Do you mind if I take a walk out near the beach?

01:32:47I haven't seen it yet.

01:32:48I promise not to go in the water.

01:32:50I'll just walk on the sand.

01:32:52He's shaking his head no before I even finish.

01:32:55It's not safe, medicine.

01:32:57Not tonight.

01:32:58I'm sorry.

01:32:59But...

01:33:00But you have guards, right?

01:33:01Like, everywhere?

01:33:03Right?

01:33:04Surely it's safe.

01:33:05I know it is.

01:33:06You control the whole place.

01:33:07No one can get in here.

01:33:09I mean, you brought me here to keep me safe,

01:33:11and there's walls, and...

01:33:13I said, no medicine.

01:33:15He looks a little angry at having to tell me twice.

01:33:18I only have one trick left,

01:33:21so I do the only thing I can.

01:33:23I cry.

01:33:25Not sobs or anything.

01:33:27Just a tear.

01:33:28Just one.

01:33:29I let it leak out of my eye.

01:33:31Let it fall down my face.

01:33:33He's transfixed at the whole display,

01:33:36and when I say,

01:33:38Okay.

01:33:39In the smallest, weakest, meekest voice possible.

01:33:43He sighs.

01:33:45Fine.

01:33:46But only the beach right in front of the house.

01:33:49Thank you, I say, standing up.

01:33:52I finger the lapels of his suit,

01:33:54smile up at him,

01:33:55kiss him gently on the chin,

01:33:57and say,

01:33:58I feel so much safer knowing your guards are watching.

01:34:01I'll be right on the beach.

01:34:03He kisses me.

01:34:05God, how many times do I have to let him do that?

01:34:08As many as it takes to keep breathing,

01:34:10Devil says.

01:34:11Truth.

01:34:13Carlos leaves,

01:34:14pulling the doors closed behind him.

01:34:17And I bolt towards the sliding glass doors,

01:34:19opening them up just enough to slip through.

01:34:22I force myself to walk,

01:34:24looking over my shoulder at the guards.

01:34:26But they're congregating together,

01:34:28heads pressed in tight,

01:34:29talking.

01:34:30Then shouting begins on the other side of the wall

01:34:34and they scatter in several directions

01:34:36to see what new fresh hell the Devil has conjured up.

01:34:40I take my chance and run.

01:34:42Because fuck this.

01:34:44Tyler was right.

01:34:45I'm gonna get myself killed.

01:34:47And the way it's going,

01:34:48that's gonna happen before morning.

01:34:50I figure he can't own the entire coastline, right?

01:34:53So I can just dart up the beach

01:34:55until I get far enough away to slip through

01:34:57some other rich drug lord's compound.

01:35:00Or whatever.

01:35:02There's not much cover,

01:35:03but there's little shrubby bushes

01:35:05and lots of hilly dunes.

01:35:07I climb one,

01:35:08slip down the other side,

01:35:10and look back to see if anyone's coming after me.

01:35:13Nope.

01:35:14I smile.

01:35:15Sure, I'm gonna get away.

01:35:17Sure, I'm gonna be on my way home soon,

01:35:19back to my fucked-up life

01:35:21that's looking not-so-fucked-up right now.

01:35:24And that's when a large man in black

01:35:26jumps out from behind a dune,

01:35:28cups his hand over my mouth

01:35:30to make sure I can't scream,

01:35:32and tackles me to the ground.

01:35:43The balls.

01:35:45That's where she needs me.

01:35:47Right in the balls.

01:35:49And I'm not gonna lie,

01:35:51it feels pretty good.

01:35:52Mattie!

01:35:53I stage whisper,

01:35:55which is a term I learned

01:35:56back in good old speech and debate.

01:35:58Mattie, stop thrashing, it's me.

01:36:00She stops flailing,

01:36:02but I can feel her still shaking underneath me,

01:36:04her coiled energy causing her to vibrate.

01:36:07She is what in Sanskrit is called kundalini,

01:36:11and what is represented in imagery

01:36:13by a female serpent.

01:36:15Yeah, that sounds about right.

01:36:17What the fuck are you doing here?

01:36:19She shout whispers back.

01:36:20Helping!

01:36:21I say.

01:36:22Saving you from whatever the fuck.

01:36:24You didn't check in.

01:36:25You were supposed to check in,

01:36:26you didn't check in,

01:36:27this should not be surprising.

01:36:29I'm not surprised, she says.

01:36:31I'm...

01:36:32I wait for it,

01:36:34but get no more words.

01:36:36She just stares at me.

01:36:38Finally.

01:36:39What?

01:36:40I say.

01:36:42And then she grabs my face

01:36:43and kisses me on the mouth hard.

01:36:46And I know it's been less than 48 hours

01:36:48since she last pressed her lips to mine,

01:36:51but it may as well have been

01:36:52since time before time.

01:36:55Because I think I'm gonna start fucking crying.

01:36:59Grabbing her face in return,

01:37:00I kiss her hard back,

01:37:02and then my hands are fumbling down her sides,

01:37:04reaching for her ass.

01:37:06She grinds her hips into me

01:37:07as I claw at the bottom of her dress,

01:37:09dragging the material up her legs

01:37:10and digging my fingers into her skin.

01:37:13Stop!

01:37:14She says.

01:37:15Stop!

01:37:16No, why?

01:37:17I pant, still kissing.

01:37:19Ah!

01:37:20She gestures outward with a

01:37:22we're in the middle of a beach

01:37:23out in the open with drug lords

01:37:25and armed guards and shit all around us

01:37:27look on her face.

01:37:29And I can't deny it,

01:37:30she makes a good point.

01:37:32But still.

01:37:34So I shrug and keep kissing her,

01:37:36letting my hand find its way

01:37:37up the inside of her thigh,

01:37:39under the hem of her dress,

01:37:41pushing her panties aside

01:37:42and discovering that she's already wet.

01:37:45It doesn't seem like you think

01:37:46it's that bad of an idea,

01:37:48I murmur,

01:37:50still nibbling at her red pouty lips.

01:37:53We.

01:37:54Could.

01:37:55Get.

01:37:56Killed.

01:37:57She grunts out in between gasps of breath

01:37:59as my fingers slide inside her.

01:38:02Yeah, well,

01:38:03this is how I'd want to die.

01:38:05I tell her.

01:38:06Uh-huh.

01:38:07She whines and nods her head.

01:38:09And then she's seizing my belt,

01:38:11unfastening it and working my pants down my hips.

01:38:14She uses her feet to push them

01:38:15all the way down to my ankles

01:38:17so that our lips don't have to separate

01:38:18as we continue recklessly,

01:38:20wantonly,

01:38:21foolishly consuming each other's life force.

01:38:25Because she's right.

01:38:27This moment,

01:38:28this here,

01:38:29this expression of passion and love for each other

01:38:32could get us killed.

01:38:35So we may as well make it fucking count.

01:38:40This is a bad, bad idea.

01:38:44Bad?

01:38:45No.

01:38:46Catastrophic.

01:38:47But I don't give a shit.

01:38:48I want him so much that I don't care

01:38:50if we get annihilated in a meteor shower of bullets.

01:38:53Or in an actual meteor shower, for that matter.

01:38:56Or if the sea decides to become angry and swallow us whole,

01:39:00dragging us both into the briny unknown.

01:39:03I just don't care.

01:39:04I want him.

01:39:06I want him to purge me of the feeling of Carlos.

01:39:09Of Carlos's body against mine.

01:39:11Of his lips on mine.

01:39:13Of his fingers touching my skin.

01:39:15I want to feel Tyler inside me instead,

01:39:18and in this most ridiculously unsafe of situations,

01:39:22feel safe.

01:39:24I take his cock in my hand,

01:39:26even as he pulls my underwear down.

01:39:28He has to contort himself to draw my legs free of the fabric,

01:39:32but I won't let him go.

01:39:34His dick is throbbing so fast,

01:39:36it feels like I'm holding his heart.

01:39:39With my dress hiked up and my bare ass resting on the sandy beach,

01:39:43I can close my eyes and pretend that we are somewhere else.

01:39:47On some island vacation somewhere.

01:39:49Maybe twenty, thirty years from now.

01:39:52Still hot for each other.

01:39:54Still ready to fuck anytime, anyplace.

01:39:57It's so weird.

01:39:59I'm not a schmaltzy chick.

01:40:01All that destined-to-be-together crap that people believe in.

01:40:04I don't.

01:40:05Not usually.

01:40:07But after all this time,

01:40:09and all that I've been through,

01:40:10and all that he's been through,

01:40:12the fact that we are here now.

01:40:14Together.

01:40:15Wow.

01:40:17I mean, there are seven billion people on the planet,

01:40:20and yet here we are.

01:40:22So maybe this was all supposed to be.

01:40:25Maybe everything's gonna turn out okay.

01:40:27I wonder if he's thinking the same thing.

01:40:30I wonder if he's as scared as I am,

01:40:32but willing to put it aside for this chance to hold each other this way.

01:40:36I don't know for sure if he feels the way I do,

01:40:40but I do know that just in case everything doesn't all turn out okay,

01:40:45we may as well make it fucking count.

01:40:50I press my lips to hers again as I thrust my hips forward and enter her.

01:40:55She throws her head back and moans, but just as she does,

01:40:58I hear some shouting in Spanish off to my left.

01:41:01I know she hears it too because she stops moaning and we both freeze for a second.

01:41:05We try to stop our breathing, but both of us gasp in and out in short, sharp bursts,

01:41:10but we manage to still ourselves, me resting inside her.

01:41:14After a moment, the voices disappear off into the other direction,

01:41:18and I lift my head to see if I can spot anything.

01:41:21I see nothing but beach and sea and the lights of the...

01:41:25whatever the hell it is...

01:41:27city that Carlos has built for himself here.

01:41:31And then my eyes are back on her.

01:41:34This whole thing is so totally over the top that I can't help but find it funny.

01:41:38I tap her on the nose with my index finger and she looks at me oddly.

01:41:42What, she asks.

01:41:44I love your fucking nose, I say.

01:41:47Yeah, she responds, beginning to move her hips again.

01:41:51I swallow and manage to croak out.

01:41:53Yeah, before I lose interest in speaking and grind along with her.

01:41:58She's holding my ass now,

01:42:00her fingers pressing into my skin, pushing me into her deeper.

01:42:06Her eyes are closed tightly and the expression on her face is caught somewhere between joy, pain,

01:42:11and that look people have when they're dreaming, and to them, in that moment, the dream is real.

01:42:16My hands are on her hips and I hadn't noticed before, but they wrap almost all the way around her.

01:42:21I have large hands, I can palm a basketball no problem,

01:42:25but even still it strikes me just how fragile and malleable her flesh is under my touch.

01:42:31Pulling her back and forth under me causes her to want to make noise, but she knows she can't,

01:42:36so she's stuffing it down.

01:42:38When she comes, all that pent-up energy has to go somewhere, though,

01:42:42so I'm bracing for the pornographic air-raid siren that's likely to echo out of her when she lets go.

01:42:49To counter the fact that she's trying not to scream, she digs her fingers into me harder and harder,

01:42:55as if all that noise has found its way into her limbs and is trying to escape.

01:43:00I can feel her nails digging into my ass cheeks, and the sensation of it makes me harder,

01:43:06and as my cock stiffens even more, it fills her up entirely,

01:43:10pressing against her pussy walls, consuming all the space inside.

01:43:14She's biting her lip, trying not to make any noise.

01:43:17God damn it, she whispers, turning her head to the side.

01:43:21Unfortunately, I'm not helping matters, because everything she does is driving me crazy,

01:43:25and it makes me fuck her that much more enthusiastically.

01:43:28The puffs of air leaving her nose let me know that she's close.

01:43:31There's the hint of a whimper along with her breathing, and I'm gasping now, too,

01:43:36but just then, more voices, again in Spanish.

01:43:40Shit.

01:43:42I lift my head to see if I can spy anyone, but Maddie doesn't care if anyone's there.

01:43:46She just wants me. She wants my attention.

01:43:50I know, because what she does now gets it back on her in a hurry.

01:43:58As my finger finds its way inside his asshole, I'm not sure how he'll react.

01:44:04I've actually never done it to a guy before, I don't think,

01:44:07but in my understanding, it can go either very, very well, or very, very badly,

01:44:14and I didn't know I was going to do it. It just happened.

01:44:18I was already clinging to his ass for dear life, and then when he took his gaze up and away,

01:44:24I... I don't know. I panicked or something.

01:44:28I don't want it to be over just yet.

01:44:31I know that we need to hurry and get out of here,

01:44:34but I want us to be the ones to decide we're ready to go,

01:44:37not be forced to stop what we're doing just because we might get killed.

01:44:42I mean, hell, people die every day, right?

01:44:44But what's happening between us now happens... well, never.

01:44:49As my middle finger slides in between his ass cheeks and finds the opening inside,

01:44:54his head snaps back to face me.

01:44:57His eyes are wide. Not in surprise, exactly. It's something else.

01:45:02I think it's... delight.

01:45:05In fact, I know it is, because he's got a little smile,

01:45:09and the smile turns me on so much that I push harder, just a bit,

01:45:13seeing how far he'll let me go.

01:45:16The smile spreads, and he nods a tiny nod that says,

01:45:19It's okay.

01:45:21I can feel myself biting my bottom lip as I press my finger deeper,

01:45:25and a noise comes out of him from the back of his throat like a stifled groan,

01:45:30like he wants to moan and say dirty shit to me, but he knows he can't,

01:45:34so he stuffs it down, and it's just a squeak.

01:45:38And he's pounding into me now.

01:45:40I feel that he wants to be as far into me as I am into him,

01:45:45and he takes one hand off my hip and works it between our bellies

01:45:49so that he can land his thumb on my clit.

01:45:53I shake my head at him, because I don't know if I can take it,

01:45:57but he smiles and nods his head at me as he begins rubbing me savagely.

01:46:01If we are to die tonight, let it happen now.

01:46:05I know that's a morbid thought, but it's the one that lands on me.

01:46:09I'm not a dumb person. I'm not a naive person.

01:46:13There are many, many people who have suffered immeasurably more than I have.

01:46:17I've seen it.

01:46:19And there are those who have suffered more than I can imagine,

01:46:22who I've never seen.

01:46:24But my pain is mine. It happened to me.

01:46:28And even though it may make no sense,

01:46:31I held on to it because to share it would make it less mine.

01:46:35But now I have. Shared it.

01:46:38I've shared everything.

01:46:40With the one person in the world who could have abated it sooner and didn't.

01:46:45The same person I blamed for compounding it.

01:46:48And the only person who could have ever really understood it.

01:46:52And it doesn't feel like it's less mine.

01:46:55It feels like it's just... ours.

01:46:59And so, if we are to be taken away from each other in this world,

01:47:02I'd rather it happen while we are totally, completely joined than not.

01:47:07In French, orgasms are known as le petit mort.

01:47:12The little death.

01:47:14So how? Let's just go fucking all in.

01:47:18My lips press together and I nod at him,

01:47:20trying to let him know that I'm about to come.

01:47:23But his eyes are closed and his expression is contorted,

01:47:27which I think is him trying not to come yet.

01:47:30What a gentleman.

01:47:32So I do what I have to do to get his attention.

01:47:35I slap him across the face with my free hand.

01:47:38His eyes pop open like he forgot where he was,

01:47:41but he never lets up on the churning energy that propels him in and out.

01:47:47And when my eyes widen and I nod,

01:47:49he gives me a tiny, urgent nod in return.

01:47:53His thumb strums at my clit.

01:47:56My finger drives deeper into his ass.

01:47:59My hips make tiny circles under him as his back arches

01:48:02and crashes down with each penetrating thrust.

01:48:06And at the moment I come, he does too,

01:48:09both of us struggling not to make a noise,

01:48:12as the tiny, grim reaper waves his sickle,

01:48:15and we die in and around each other in exquisite anguish

01:48:19as our mute desire gives way to the sound of crashing waves.

01:48:27When I was ten, they demolished the Aladdin Hotel and Casino on the Strip.

01:48:32Scotty Evan and I skipped school to watch it in person.

01:48:35It was an implosion.

01:48:37Four floors of dynamite that went boom

01:48:39and brought the entire thing down on itself.

01:48:42Implosions are deceptive because they just look like a collapse,

01:48:45like it seems less messy and violent than an explosion.

01:48:50They may be less messy in that they consolidate the debris

01:48:53into a more manageable space, but they are no less violent.

01:48:57The power, the force that's required to bring a building down

01:49:01is just as severe as that required to blow it up.

01:49:04Entropy, chaos, all that science shit.

01:49:08But when all is said and done, the only thing that matters

01:49:11is that something extremely fucking major is happening to a physical object.

01:49:17Without the ability to scream or moan or shout,

01:49:20fuck yeah, what Maddie and I experience is something akin to an implosion.

01:49:26All that force, all that shared energy, all that power between us.

01:49:32It just causes us to collapse into each other.

01:49:36Her body goes limp beneath me, drained of all its strength,

01:49:40and I fall limp on top of her, equally spent.

01:49:43It's not that we fucked so hard, we fucked harder.

01:49:46It's that we were both revving at an insanely high acceleration

01:49:49when we crashed into each other, and now we should be allowed to rest.

01:49:54But we can't.

01:49:57I pull out of her, and it's the loneliest my cock has felt in a long, long time.

01:50:02Probably ever.

01:50:04The look on her face when I exit makes me want to murder somebody.

01:50:08I mean, the truth is, it makes me want to cry, but I can't afford to do that right now,

01:50:11so I convert that sorrow into anger.

01:50:14Because as I pull my pants up and she cleans herself off,

01:50:17I am reminded of where we are.

01:50:19I almost forgot.

01:50:21Hidden behind this dune, bathed in the wash of a Christmas moon,

01:50:25it felt for a second like we were actually living the life I wished for us

01:50:29when she was packing in her bedroom.

01:50:32In some hidden locale, stashed away in paradise,

01:50:35living out our days off the grid and all alone.

01:50:39But yet again I hear shouting in Spanish from down the beach and remember,

01:50:43Yeah, we ain't there just yet.

01:50:47I grab her panties when she's not looking and stick them in my pocket.

01:50:51I don't know why I do it.

01:50:53I just want to keep this moment with me for longer or something.

01:50:56It's weird, I suppose.

01:50:58Or else it makes all the sense in the world.

01:51:00I don't know.

01:51:02And then, leaning close to her, I whisper,

01:51:04Hey, so what happened? Why didn't you check in?

01:51:07I couldn't, she says, straightening out her dress and sitting up next to me

01:51:11I also look and see if anyone might be coming.

01:51:13Why? Did he, like, fucking tie you up or something?

01:51:17I want the answer to be no, but a small part of me wants it to be yes

01:51:20so that before getting out of here I can feel justified in killing this motherfucker.

01:51:24No, no. We had dinner and then he watched me sleep.

01:51:28He watched you sleep?

01:51:30I think so.

01:51:32Jesus.

01:51:33Then I amend with,

01:51:35I mean, he's not wrong to want to do that, but still.

01:51:38Fucking weirdo.

01:51:41Yeah.

01:51:42Tyler?

01:51:44She says with more concern than makes me comfortable.

01:51:47Yeah?

01:51:48I stroke her cheek.

01:51:50What the fuck were you thinking?

01:51:53Huh.

01:51:54That is not what I expected to come out of her mouth next.

01:51:57What do you mean?

01:51:58I mean, I mean, yeah, I know I didn't call, but shit, dude, I had it under control.

01:52:04Well, I didn't fucking know and we had a deal.

01:52:07Fair enough, but the deal didn't include you starting a full-scale war with the guy.

01:52:11The phrase full-scale war lands on me hard.

01:52:15Shit, I am Rambo.

01:52:18I mutter.

01:52:19What?

01:52:20Nothing.

01:52:21Look, I'm fucking sorry, but I don't care what kind of warranty you got when you bought that drone.

01:52:25Shit's defective.

01:52:27Or you can't fly it.

01:52:29I'm not arguing this point right now.

01:52:31Hey, all I could think was that something fucking awful had happened to you and I had to come get you.

01:52:35If I had done it my way, I would have just crashed through the front door and started looking to make sure you were all right.

01:52:39I thought I owed it to you to be a little more tactical.

01:52:42So you're saying that this is my fault?

01:52:45Yeah?

01:52:46Maybe?

01:52:47A little bit?

01:52:49She looks at me like she can't fucking believe my gall.

01:52:52And she shouldn't.

01:52:54But then she laughs.

01:52:56She laughs the laugh of a person you've known your whole life, but who still manages to surprise you.

01:53:03She laughs the laugh that you laugh when you're infuriated and scared,

01:53:06but when you step back to look at everything, it's just too ridiculous not to laugh.

01:53:11She laughs the laugh of a person who loves you.

01:53:14Me.

01:53:16Who loves me.

01:53:18She loves me.

01:53:20And that's all that matters in the world.

01:53:23Well, that and the distant shouting I continue to hear that reminds me we still have to get the fuck out of here alive somehow.

01:53:31What's with all this?

01:53:33She asks, referring to my dark clothes.

01:53:36Tactical night operations.

01:53:38I slipped it on when this went from a daytime raid to an evening affair.

01:53:42An evening affair.

01:53:44She repeats.

01:53:45Yeah, sorry I didn't bring a tux.

01:53:46This'll have to do.

01:53:48But look, while I could chat fashion choices, you look great by the way,

01:53:51all night we gotta get the fuck out of here.

01:53:53No shit, where's your car?

01:53:56You know those moments in life when someone asks you a question that you know the answer to,

01:54:01but your brain just malfunctions and it's like they're speaking, I don't know, Basque or some shit?

01:54:08I do.

01:54:10What's that?

01:54:11I ask like I didn't hear her.

01:54:13Where's your car?

01:54:15Can we make it there from here without being seen?

01:54:17Again, it's like she's talking Zulu.

01:54:20My car, yeah.

01:54:24So...

01:54:26This is not a moment when you want to be slowing down the forward momentum of a situation by explaining a lot of shit,

01:54:32so in this second I'm figuring out how to explain clearly, but still efficiently.

01:54:37Her mouth is open in a way that suggests maybe if she prompts me to speak, she'll somehow plant the words in mine.

01:54:43Just like when I went to tail Logan into the strip club the day he got his ass kicked by Maddie

01:54:48and I found myself playing checkers instead of chess, not thinking two moves ahead.

01:54:52Boy, do I have egg on my face now.

01:54:56And then something either fortunate or unfortunate happens depending on how you look at it.

01:55:01It's fortunate inasmuch as I am spared the embarrassment of explaining to Maddie what happened to Chocolate Thunder.

01:55:07That's what I named the defender.

01:55:09So dubbed after my favorite basketball player of all time, the great Daryl Dawkins,

01:55:14who played on the Philadelphia 76ers with Dr. J.

01:55:19But in clips I've seen, dude was a savage on the rim.

01:55:25Wow. So not the time to be thinking about this.

01:55:29It is deeply unfortunate in that apparently even thinking about unlucky Logan has summoned him into being.

01:55:36Because from behind us, in the total opposite direction from which we've been looking,

01:55:41I hear what feels to my ear like the bolt of a Kalashnikov rifle being cocked, followed by

01:55:47Tyler, my amigo, so good to see you again.

01:55:53I close my eyes, take a breath, open them, and see Maddie looking terrified before I turn to, sure enough,

01:56:01see good old Logan strolling up with his fucked up face and his AK-47.

01:56:08Shit.

01:56:10Unlucky Tyler doesn't have the same ring, but it's what I am at the moment.

01:56:15Or maybe just stupid fucking Tyler.

01:56:19But I gotta be me.

01:56:22So...

01:56:24LOGAN!

01:56:25OH SHIT!

01:56:27ARE YOU MY SECRET SANTA? WELL COLOR ME SURPRISED!

01:56:31Logan smiles a little and nods.

01:56:33It looks like it hurts him to smile with his busted chops and all, and that makes me happy.

01:56:38Ricky, who was on Logan's six and who looks incredibly unsubtle, does not smile.

01:56:42Eh, fuck him. I know it was a solid joke.

01:56:46In reference to Ricky, I say,

01:56:48Hey, look, it's your girlfriend! I haven't seen the two of you together since I fucked him up in the alley that time.

01:56:53Wow, Logan. I gotta say, he looks like he's healed up from that beating.

01:56:57You. Buddy.

01:56:59Did Maddie have another go at you?

01:57:02I like that move for a couple reasons.

01:57:04One, it lets Ricky know that I'm not stupid enough to blow his cover.

01:57:07I can tell he appreciates it because his body language shifts ever so subtly.

01:57:11And two, it pisses Logan off.

01:57:15On the other hand, Maddie is looking at me like I'm out of my mind.

01:57:17Which, I mean, shit, I am.

01:57:19She shouldn't be that shocked. She knows me pretty good.

01:57:22Anyway.

01:57:23Logan keeps smiling and nodding.

01:57:24I swear to fuck it's like the guy went to cartoon villain school or some shit.

01:57:28So silly.

01:57:29But sadly, whether it's silly and cliche or not,

01:57:32when the butt of an AK smacks you in the chops, it stings a bit.

01:57:36Even me.

01:57:38My head snaps back and I black out for just the tiniest of seconds.

01:57:42I can feel my knees get weak and I almost think I might actually go down,

01:57:46but then my nervous system rallies, everything comes back into view,

01:57:49and I shake the lights back on.

01:57:51I smile and ask,

01:57:53That wasn't my present, was it?

01:57:56Because honestly, it's kind of a shitty gift.

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