… Into Fire Audiobook part 2/4

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… Into Fire Audiobook part 2/4 Best Seller Romance Audiobook

Transcript

00:00:00I can do this.

00:00:01Maddie, why don't you-

00:00:03That's Emily, but the look I shoot her stops her mouth.

00:00:07Then Ricky says,

00:00:08You sure?

00:00:09Fuck yeah, I'm sure!

00:00:11Put me in a chokehold, grab my pussy, whatever!

00:00:14Let's see who's made of what.

00:00:16Maddie.

00:00:17Ricky says,

00:00:18One of the first things we'll actually want to address is your temper.

00:00:21It's not your friend.

00:00:23I know it feels like it is, but it's not.

00:00:25He comes toward me with his arm out like he's gonna calm me down,

00:00:29and I flash back to the morning he drove me home to Vegas from Carlos' compound in...

00:00:34wherever the hell it is.

00:00:36Back before he was Richard the DEA agent.

00:00:39When he was just Ricky, the drug-dealing scumbag.

00:00:43Ese es tu problema.

00:00:45Tienes mal genio.

00:00:47He said to me then,

00:00:49That's your problem.

00:00:50You have a bad temper.

00:00:53Yeah, Ricky.

00:00:54You're goddamned right I do.

00:00:57He reaches me with his outstretched hand, and I grab his palm,

00:01:01twist his wrist,

00:01:02kick the inside of his thigh, and the next thing I know,

00:01:05he's flat on his back,

00:01:07and I have my knee dangerously close to his fucking balls.

00:01:10Emily gasps.

00:01:12Tigler claps and shouts,

00:01:13Fuck yeah, baby!

00:01:15And Ricky stares up at me with a look that's half-surprised,

00:01:18half-impressed, and says,

00:01:20Okay then.

00:01:22And which was that?

00:01:23Aikido, jiu-jitsu, Wing Chun...

00:01:27Breathing heavy and with no real clear image in my head of what exactly just happened,

00:01:32I let go of his arm,

00:01:33stand up,

00:01:34step back and say,

00:01:36Pretty sure that was just Matty Clayton.

00:01:43Chapter 8

00:01:45Tyler

00:01:48The mood in the firehouse is heavy.

00:01:51I came by for lunch.

00:01:52I've been spending all my time with Matty,

00:01:54and I haven't even really seen Evan since the funeral.

00:01:57But the air in here is thick.

00:01:59Jeff's death is still fresh in everyone's mind.

00:02:03It probably will be for a while.

00:02:05Losing someone is always tough,

00:02:07but when it's a guy like Jeff, who was young and eager,

00:02:10and had his whole life ahead of him,

00:02:13it's downright Shakespearean.

00:02:16So even though I'm losing my shit over Matty offering herself up as a lure to reeling Castillo,

00:02:21I'm trying my best not to freak out about it in front of Evan and the guys.

00:02:25Dude, I am freaking out about this shit with Matty, I say.

00:02:29Fuck.

00:02:30Evan nods.

00:02:32Yeah, well, that's understandable.

00:02:33Be weird if you weren't.

00:02:35Who exactly is this guy?

00:02:37Which guy? I say.

00:02:39The fucking guy!

00:02:40Rod chimes in.

00:02:41This fucking drug guy, fucking Richie, what's his name?

00:02:44Ricky, I say.

00:02:46Yeah, fucking Ricky. Ricky fucking drug fuck. What's his story?

00:02:50His story?

00:02:51I don't know.

00:02:52He was in the military, got out, now he's a DEA agent, all I really know about him.

00:02:56Yeah?

00:02:57He trying to fuck your old lady?

00:02:59Rod, Bear says with some exhaustion in his voice.

00:03:03Go play in traffic.

00:03:05Fuck did I say? I'm just asking questions.

00:03:08No, Rod, I say.

00:03:10I don't think he's trying to fuck Matty.

00:03:12Of all the things I'm worried about with this whole setup, Ricky's prick is not one.

00:03:17Yeah? Says Rod, grinning.

00:03:19Why? You seen it?

00:03:21He got a teeny-peeny?

00:03:22Bear pushes Rod's chair with his foot and Rod falls over backwards.

00:03:26Nobody else moves. I get the feeling it happens a lot.

00:03:29Why you gotta be a dick? Shouts Rod.

00:03:32So you trust the guy?

00:03:34Asks Bear, ignoring his half-sized cohort.

00:03:37No, I didn't say that.

00:03:39I stand up from the table and start pacing a little.

00:03:42Fuck should I trust him?

00:03:44He's recruiting an untrained asset off the street? That seems...

00:03:49I don't know.

00:03:50The whole thing just makes me uneasy.

00:03:53Yo, brother, let me ask you something.

00:03:55That's Dean.

00:03:57Are you supposed to be talking about all this shit to us?

00:03:59I mean, it's cool.

00:04:01Pretty sure none of us are gonna say nothing to nobody, but still.

00:04:04Oh, yeah, I say.

00:04:06I mean, yeah, I got a whole big lecture about secrecy and all that shit,

00:04:09but I'm assuming it really only applies to Matty's roommates.

00:04:13Why? Asks Dean.

00:04:15Because they're hookers.

00:04:16You know how chatty pros can be.

00:04:19Nah, man, he says.

00:04:21I really don't. Never paid for that shit.

00:04:24Of course he hasn't.

00:04:26Fucking Dean.

00:04:27So fucking cool.

00:04:29Asshole.

00:04:31I gotta tell you, says Alex, lumbering to his feet, collecting everyone's empty lunch plates.

00:04:37When people ask me why I don't believe in relationships, I'm gonna tell them this story.

00:04:41What? Says Bear.

00:04:44You don't believe in relationships because a Mexican drug lord might fall in love with your woman

00:04:47and she could possibly get approached by an undercover DEA agent to become involved in an off-the-books op

00:04:52to try to bring him down?

00:04:55Alex grabs up the last plate, stares at the floor, considering the question, and after a beat, says,

00:05:01Yeah, exactly.

00:05:04And then ambles off into the kitchen.

00:05:07Bear turns to me and asks,

00:05:09Is there anything we can do, man?

00:05:11No, I say.

00:05:14I mean, fuck, I don't know, but no.

00:05:17Of course not, I wish there was, thanks.

00:05:20Well, says Bear, hauling his massive frame up to its full height,

00:05:25We're always here for you if you need anything.

00:05:28You know that, right?

00:05:30He sticks his hand out.

00:05:31I take it and we shake.

00:05:33Yeah, I know, man, thanks.

00:05:35He pulls me toward him with his monstrous grip and says again,

00:05:40Right?

00:05:42Most people will say things like, I'm here for you if you need me, or let me know if I can do anything,

00:05:47but Bear means it.

00:05:49And it means the world to me.

00:05:52Yeah, brother, I know.

00:05:54Thank you.

00:05:55We shake.

00:05:57He pats me on the shoulder, and then he walks off toward his office, rod trailing him, bitching at him the whole way.

00:06:03Yo, says Dean, putting a leash on Gladys, the French bulldog, to take her for her post-lunch constitutional

00:06:11Real talk?

00:06:12You know he's not bullshitting.

00:06:14We got you, man, you feel me?

00:06:16I shake my head and laugh a little, because I know he means it, too.

00:06:21They all do.

00:06:22But the thing is, it's not because of me, it's because of Evan.

00:06:27They love Evan so much that they're honor-bound to have my back, too, and I couldn't be more grateful for that.

00:06:33Yeah, bro, I say.

00:06:35I feel you.

00:06:37Dean goes to dat me off, but I kinda fuck up the handshake, because I am a lot of things, but as cool as Dean is not one of them.

00:06:44Finally, he just slaps me on the back and says,

00:06:47All good, baby, as he takes off with Gladys.

00:06:50I take the balled-up napkin that I've been fiddling with in my fingers and lob it across the station house.

00:06:56It lands dead in the middle of the trash can on the other side of the room.

00:07:00Three points.

00:07:02We should go shoot around sometime, Evan says.

00:07:04You hate basketball, I remind him.

00:07:07Yeah, but I love bumping up against sweaty guys.

00:07:10He smiles and nudges me.

00:07:13You gonna make it? He asks me.

00:07:15What do you mean?

00:07:17I don't know, just...

00:07:19Are you?

00:07:21I take a deep breath and let it out on a long sigh.

00:07:25Shit, I have no idea. I'm fucking trying.

00:07:29It's been an...

00:07:32eventful...

00:07:33eventful couple of months.

00:07:36Evan chuckles.

00:07:38Yeah, I guess it has.

00:07:40Hey, what are they saying about the fire?

00:07:42Evan looks down and shakes his head.

00:07:45Electrical?

00:07:47Are you fucking kidding me? Fucking electrical?

00:07:50I know, he says. I know.

00:07:53But the official inspection report says that there was...

00:07:57most probably a faulty outlet and that the breaker box wasn't up to code and blah blah blah.

00:08:03That's the official cause.

00:08:05Dude, there was a fucking explosion. I saw it.

00:08:09Caused by the chemicals contained in a stockpile of cleaning supplies.

00:08:14Jesus.

00:08:16I walk forward a few steps and then track back.

00:08:19I know, man, he says.

00:08:22I know.

00:08:23And that doesn't fucking piss you off?

00:08:26Of course it does, he tells me.

00:08:29But I'm not the commissioner. What am I gonna say?

00:08:31I have no hard proof I can provide but I'm pretty sure that this was arson and that your inspector is on the take being paid off by a Mexican fucking crime boss.

00:08:40Yeah, that wouldn't go over real well. I gotta work in this town, man.

00:08:44Dude, I start. But Evan cuts me off.

00:08:47Bro, it's Vegas.

00:08:49We do the best we can.

00:08:51I'm a firefighter, not a cop.

00:08:53I'm sorry.

00:08:56Shit.

00:08:57Of course he's right.

00:08:59It's not his fault.

00:09:01And it's not his problem.

00:09:02And there's nothing he can do about it anyway.

00:09:05The only thing that any of us can do about it is already being done.

00:09:10By Matty.

00:09:13So when does all this go down?

00:09:14He asks.

00:09:16Day after tomorrow.

00:09:19There's a long moment where we both stand in the open door of the station staring out at the sky.

00:09:25The winter sky in the desert looks like air.

00:09:29There's really no other way to describe it.

00:09:32Even with all the ways that we have polluted and fucked up the planet.

00:09:36Tried as hard as we can to run it in a fucking oblivion.

00:09:40There's something about a winter sky in the desert that looks pure and untouched and tranquil.

00:09:46It's an illusion, I know.

00:09:49There is no tranquility.

00:09:51There is no purity.

00:09:53And there's no place we can go that hasn't already been altered by our merely having been here.

00:10:00But sometimes it's nice to pretend.

00:10:04And then I look across the street and I see Brandon, new guy Brandon,

00:10:08sitting by himself on a bench in the park eating a sandwich.

00:10:14What's all that about?

00:10:15I ask.

00:10:16Evan shrugs and presses his lips together.

00:10:19Since Jeff, he's been quiet, just kind of keeping to himself.

00:10:23Unlike usual, I ask, with the one eyebrow I can't arch lifted to its maximum level of suggested sarcasm.

00:10:31More to himself, says Evan.

00:10:35Then he asks,

00:10:36You want to do anything special for Christmas?

00:10:39Asks the Jew.

00:10:41Bro, I'm married to a dude who's so waspy that albinos are like, that guy is white.

00:10:46Christmas is like a whole thing.

00:10:48My hope is that with you there, we can make up some weird Christmas tradition where you make Robert like,

00:10:54put live swans in the pool or something.

00:10:56That'd be hilarious.

00:10:57Swans are assholes.

00:10:59Honestly, man,

00:11:01until I know that Maddie's going to be okay, I doubt I'm going to have a lot of Christmas cheer to offer.

00:11:06Though if we really wanted to do something funny, we should try to force him to do a living manger

00:11:10with me as Joseph, you as Mary and make him be the baby.

00:11:14I like it.

00:11:16Feels like a long shot though, Evan says.

00:11:19I know, I'm just spitballing.

00:11:22And suddenly I feel like I can't stand still.

00:11:25I'm thinking about Christmas without Maddie.

00:11:28And more importantly,

00:11:29what Maddie's Christmas is going to be like stuck alone in a fucking compound somewhere with Carlos and Logan.

00:11:36And then I think of all the Christmases I spent in the Middle East with no one to talk to.

00:11:41And all those Christmases I spent drifting the planet with no one to talk to.

00:11:45Christmas after Christmas alone.

00:11:48No family who gave a shit, nobody to call back home.

00:11:52Except now I realize that I did have someone there all along.

00:11:56Someone who was waiting for me to reach out.

00:11:59And I blew it.

00:12:00I just fucking blew it.

00:12:03And now that we found each other and we're together,

00:12:06we're being pulled apart again.

00:12:09But if recent history holds its course, I guess there's some hope because Halloween was an actual horror show,

00:12:15but then Thanksgiving was a true moment of thanks and reparations.

00:12:18So possibly, if we're lucky,

00:12:21we can believe that we might get handed some kind of Christmas miracle.

00:12:26Jesus.

00:12:27I hope we can all just make it to the new year.

00:12:30Because then, just maybe,

00:12:33everything can start fresh for all of us and,

00:12:36as Nadir would have said,

00:12:38joy shall cometh with the morning.

00:12:42Or else the whole goddamn world will just up and explode.

00:12:45Could go either way.

00:12:48Dude, I need to get back to Maddie, I say.

00:12:51Right on, Evan says, giving me one of the loving hugs only my brother can give.

00:12:56Come over the second she leaves, okay?

00:12:58I don't want to have to go chasing you down to make sure you're alright.

00:13:02Respect, I say, and slap his hand.

00:13:05He heads back inside the station and I start off from my car.

00:13:08But then I glimpse Brandon again, just sitting there eating his sandwich.

00:13:13Fuck it.

00:13:15I try to cross the street and come up to the side of him cautiously.

00:13:19I still don't know this dude at all and I don't want to go sneaking up on some

00:13:22physically jacked, psychotically quiet firefighter I don't know.

00:13:27Dude, I say,

00:13:28kind of waving my hand and leaning in to let him see it's me.

00:13:33You mind if I sit for a second?

00:13:34The plastic grocery bag that holds the rest of his lunch,

00:13:37a banana, a bottle of apple juice, some animal crackers,

00:13:41is sitting on the bench beside him.

00:13:43He twists his head to look at me, chewing a bite of sandwich,

00:13:45then looks back in front of him and picks up the bag and moves it to the other side of him without a word.

00:13:51I take that as my invitation and sit down.

00:13:54Brandon takes another bite of his sandwich and continues staring ahead.

00:13:59I look to see what's on the other side of him.

00:14:00Brandon takes another bite of his sandwich and continues staring ahead.

00:14:05I look to see what's in front of us.

00:14:07It's a dog park.

00:14:09There's five or so dogs and their owners inside the fence.

00:14:12The dogs are playing, running, you know, shit dogs do.

00:14:16And then, out of nowhere,

00:14:18just as I'm about to try to make some kind of overture to get the guy into a conversation,

00:14:22Brandon says,

00:14:24They just are what they are.

00:14:27They...

00:14:29Sorry, what's that?

00:14:30He takes a final bite of his sandwich and he says,

00:14:34Dogs.

00:14:35They're just...

00:14:37Dogs.

00:14:38I'll be honest, I'm not sure what my next move is here.

00:14:41Fortunately, and to my surprise, Brandon keeps talking.

00:14:45They don't try to be something they're not.

00:14:48And nobody expects them to.

00:14:50They don't judge themselves and they aren't judged.

00:14:53They run, they play, they eat, they sleep.

00:14:58And they love you if you don't hurt them.

00:15:00But...

00:15:04There's a long moment where we both watch the dogs all chasing each other and then he says,

00:15:09I hope if there's another life after this one...

00:15:13I get to be a dog.

00:15:16Shit.

00:15:19Brandon.

00:15:20So, hey, I start.

00:15:23Um, what you did with Jeff was my job, he says, still looking straight ahead of him.

00:15:29I don't say anything, I just nod, because he's right.

00:15:34What do you want to know?

00:15:35He asks me after a moment.

00:15:38Sorry?

00:15:39You want to know something?

00:15:41What is it?

00:15:43He's right.

00:15:44I do want to know something about him.

00:15:46Anything, really, everything.

00:15:49I've been watching this dude for weeks now and every time I see him, I wonder what his story is.

00:15:53And now that I'm sitting here with him and he's inviting me to ask him,

00:15:56I find myself unable to make the words.

00:16:00Um...

00:16:01I mumble.

00:16:03I... I don't know.

00:16:05Why did you come over here from Heavy 44?

00:16:09Shortage of manpower.

00:16:11They needed some volunteers to go to some other station, so I went.

00:16:15Yeah?

00:16:16Yeah, he says.

00:16:19Sorry if you wanted some big, dramatic story, there isn't one.

00:16:23Help was needed, so I helped. What else?

00:16:26Uh...

00:16:27I seriously don't know what to say.

00:16:31Are you doing...

00:16:33okay?

00:16:34He turns his head to look at me again.

00:16:37What do you mean?

00:16:39Well, Jeff and...

00:16:42Are you doing okay?

00:16:46He stares straight at me for a long time,

00:16:48just like he did on Halloween night when I asked him how he was doing.

00:16:52I don't look away.

00:16:54I just look into his eyes to see if I can find anything hidden there that I can understand.

00:16:59Finally, he says.

00:17:02It's because people are easily disappointed.

00:17:06What?

00:17:07That was an answer to a question no one asked.

00:17:10Sorry, what?

00:17:12That's why I don't talk to people.

00:17:14Which is what you want to know.

00:17:16Why I don't talk to people.

00:17:18It's because then people expect stuff from you.

00:17:21Because they feel like they know you, or they understand you, but they don't.

00:17:25Nobody knows anybody.

00:17:27Not really.

00:17:29Because what can they know?

00:17:31The things you think?

00:17:33The things you say?

00:17:36None of that is you.

00:17:38You're not your thoughts, you're not the stuff you say.

00:17:42You're more than that.

00:17:43But people get attached to the stuff they think they can assign to you,

00:17:46and then that becomes who you are in their minds.

00:17:50And once they develop that attachment, they come to have expectations.

00:17:55And once someone has expectations, they can be disappointed.

00:17:59If you don't take that first step, then there won't be a second,

00:18:02and people go away and attach to somebody else who can disappoint them instead.

00:18:07I don't speak.

00:18:10Not because I don't have anything to say, but because I have too much to say to put it into coherent language.

00:18:16So that's all.

00:18:18That's why I don't talk to people.

00:18:20I...

00:18:22I begin.

00:18:23But he cuts me off before I can continue.

00:18:27But you already know all that, he says.

00:18:32He turns and looks at me.

00:18:34I look back.

00:18:36Then he reaches into his plastic bag and opens the box of animal crackers.

00:18:40He pulls one out, then another, then another, and places them to the side.

00:18:45Finally, sifting through, he finds a lion.

00:18:49He hands it to me.

00:18:51Then he digs out another lion, and then places the rest of the box down as well.

00:18:56He gives me a short, curt nod.

00:18:59Then he bites the head off the lion and turns back to look at the dogs playing in the park again.

00:19:06I slowly, carefully take a bite of my lion as well.

00:19:10And even though I'm anxious to get back to Maddie and be with her as much as I can before she goes,

00:19:16I sit for a moment,

00:19:18watching the dogs play without a care in the world,

00:19:22and devour the king of the jungle.

00:19:48So I'm packing to get ready to go.

00:19:51Ricky, Emily, and I have decided that I should go ahead and deliver myself to him tomorrow.

00:19:56Waiting doesn't make any sense.

00:19:58In this way, we can create something resembling a strategy.

00:20:02Waiting just delays the inevitable.

00:20:05So the plan is to tell Carlos that I called the number Ricky gave me,

00:20:09told him that I'm not going to be able to come up with the money,

00:20:12and that he convinced me to just bring myself to Carlos now.

00:20:16It will have the added benefit of gaining Ricky additional favor within the organization,

00:20:22because what I've also found out is that Carlos is none too happy with Logan about what happened to Pete.

00:20:28Apparently, killing Pete was never supposed to be part of the deal.

00:20:32Logan was supposed to make sure that Pete was out of the club before he and his goons burned it down.

00:20:38But we all know what happened there.

00:20:40So I guess Carlos is keeping a tight chain on his nephew now,

00:20:44and Ricky has been given most of Logan's old duties.

00:20:47Notably, keeping an eye on me,

00:20:50which is how he's been able to get close enough to recruit me into this whole thing without arousing suspicion.

00:20:56Christ, I feel like I'm in a fucking Jack Reacher book or some bullshit.

00:21:02How long are they saying you're going to be there, though?

00:21:05Tyler's standing in front of my bedroom door watching me pack.

00:21:08His arms are crossed.

00:21:10He looks like a sentry guarding the exit, which I suppose he is.

00:21:15I know when it comes time for me to leave in the morning, he's going to raise holy hell.

00:21:20Emily and Ricky argued about that.

00:21:23Ricky's saying as long as it takes.

00:21:25Emily says that if I don't have anything useful in two weeks, they should pull me and then I disappear.

00:21:31Disappear?

00:21:32What does that mean?

00:21:34I don't know.

00:21:35Witness protection, I guess?

00:21:36I get the sense that she's capping it at two weeks

00:21:39because that's about as long as she was able to keep herself safe with that drug gang that held her captive.

00:21:45And she only feels like she's got enough tricks to help me keep Carlos at bay for that long.

00:21:50I also get that sense that she and Ricky have a little something between them.

00:21:55Nothing I can prove.

00:21:56But the way she argued with him over the phone sounded familiar.

00:22:00This is fucking stupid, Tyler yells.

00:22:03Like I said, familiar.

00:22:06And so you wind up in witness protection and then what?

00:22:08Do I ever see you again?

00:22:10He's pouting a little, I think.

00:22:12Hard to tell behind the beard, but the voice sounds pouty.

00:22:16I cross over to him and put my hands on his chest.

00:22:19What?

00:22:20You won't come with me?

00:22:21I ask.

00:22:22He looks at me, a little surprised.

00:22:25I'm invited?

00:22:27Of course you're invited, don't be dumb.

00:22:29If I wind up having to spend the rest of my life on the run,

00:22:32I'll want someone there to go to the grocery store for me and shit.

00:22:36He laughs a little, and while I do too,

00:22:39I'm also struck by the gravity of this whole thing for the first time.

00:22:43Hard to believe it's the first time it's dawning on me that this might result in me never seeing anyone I love again.

00:22:49Which I guess really only consists of my mom and dad.

00:22:53There isn't anyone else.

00:22:55Except Tyler.

00:22:56Which is still a new concept.

00:22:58That he's here, I mean.

00:23:00Not that I love him.

00:23:02If I'm being honest with myself, I've known I love him for a long time.

00:23:06The fact that he's here is what's taking some getting used to.

00:23:11But he is here.

00:23:12And even though it makes me nervous to believe it,

00:23:15it doesn't look like he's going anywhere.

00:23:18But that's it.

00:23:19That's the whole of my world.

00:23:22Hell, I don't even really see anyone else.

00:23:25I haven't seen Caroline and Diane for days now.

00:23:28I don't know if they even still live here.

00:23:31I should poke my head in their rooms to see if their stuff is still there.

00:23:35God, have I really been so successful at walling myself off all this time?

00:23:41I guess so.

00:23:42Wow.

00:23:43Well, good for me, I suppose.

00:23:46Hey, Tyler interrupts my thoughts.

00:23:48Listen, if there's a possibility we're just gonna wind up on the lam for the rest of our lives anyway,

00:23:54why go through with this?

00:23:56Let's just go now.

00:23:57I've got enough money to take care of us, and I've seen places on the planet where no one would ever find us.

00:24:03We could go to one of those.

00:24:04Build a cabin and shit.

00:24:06And I'll hunt food for us.

00:24:07It'll be rustic as balls.

00:24:10He tugs at my arms, but I pull away.

00:24:13He's being sweet and charming.

00:24:15And if I let myself, I'll just fall under his spell and take him up on the offer.

00:24:20And that would be the easy way out.

00:24:23And I've never been one for doing things the easy way.

00:24:26Which is fine, as long as you're smart about it.

00:24:29Which I think I am, but which I haven't been.

00:24:34Do you know the difference between hard work and struggle?

00:24:36I ask him.

00:24:38What?

00:24:38Hard work and struggle.

00:24:40Do you know the difference?

00:24:42Uh, yeah, he says.

00:24:44Hard work is, uh, so you're working and, you know, it's hard.

00:24:50And so you do that, but when you struggle you have to, uh...

00:24:55Sorry, no, what's the difference?

00:24:58Dork.

00:24:59Hard work, I tell him, is when you dig in and roll up your sleeves and you face down a problem.

00:25:05You engage with it and you figure out a way to get around it.

00:25:08And even if it's scary or difficult, you do it anyway.

00:25:11I think it was Einstein who said,

00:25:13you can't solve a problem with the same level of thinking that created it.

00:25:18And finding that new level of thinking requires hard work.

00:25:22Okay.

00:25:23Struggle, I pause, considering this carefully.

00:25:28Struggle is what I've been doing for the last seven years.

00:25:33I let that sit there for a second so that I can make sure he's hearing me.

00:25:37I've been hammering away at the same problems in the same way with the same kind of effort,

00:25:42not bothering to pay attention to the fact that all that struggling was getting me nowhere.

00:25:47And the worst part about it?

00:25:49I take a breath because this is the hard part to say.

00:25:52The worst part is that I've been using Scotty as an excuse.

00:25:58What?

00:25:58Tyler says.

00:26:00No, hey.

00:26:01I cut him off.

00:26:02No, I have.

00:26:04And you have too.

00:26:05Both of us used Scotty as an excuse not to move on.

00:26:09To just keep struggling away at the idea that we were moving forward.

00:26:14But both of us still stuck in the past.

00:26:17And I'm done with that.

00:26:19He nods slowly, like this is the first time he's ever considered this.

00:26:24It's not the first time I've considered it.

00:26:26I've thought about it a lot over the years.

00:26:29It's just the first time I've voiced it.

00:26:32And so, he asks.

00:26:35And so this is me doing something.

00:26:37Something that will help, that will, I don't know, have an impact on the world.

00:26:42And just as important, it'll put a nice hard period at the end of this chapter of my life.

00:26:49And no matter how it plays out, I can close the book on it and actually move forward.

00:26:54Or that's my hope anyway.

00:26:56That's a word I haven't really used a lot over these years.

00:27:00Hope.

00:27:00But there you go.

00:27:03Okay, yeah.

00:27:04Fair enough.

00:27:05He says with resignation.

00:27:07Hey, listen, I've got something for you.

00:27:10He reaches into the duffel bag of clothes he's been keeping over here.

00:27:14Clothes is a stretch.

00:27:16It's really just a couple dozen t-shirts in different colors and an extra pair of jeans.

00:27:21I'm pretty sure that when he's done with them, he just throws them out and buys more instead of doing laundry.

00:27:27Fucking weirdo.

00:27:29Here, he says, pulling out what looks like a cell phone and handing it to me.

00:27:34What's that?

00:27:35It's a sat phone.

00:27:37Why do you have a sat phone?

00:27:38It's for you.

00:27:39He says.

00:27:40I picked it up at sat phones are us.

00:27:43It's right next to the drone store.

00:27:46What do you want me to do with it?

00:27:48Um, I want you to keep it on you and I want you to check in with me every night so that I know you're okay.

00:27:54No, I say waving the phone away.

00:27:56No way.

00:27:57It's too dangerous and too dangerous.

00:27:59He shouts.

00:28:00This whole fucking thing is too dangerous.

00:28:03At least this way.

00:28:04You won't be some floating satellite that I can't find and you'll have a way to reach me.

00:28:08If shit gets out of hand, it's encrypted and dedicated and untraceable.

00:28:13I paid for the fancy stealth package.

00:28:16If they find a fucking sat phone on me, they won't.

00:28:20And even if they do, you can tell them.

00:28:22It's just a regular phone.

00:28:23They won't know the difference.

00:28:25It's top of the line promise Slayer told me.

00:28:30I try not to smile at that, but I fail and then he's smiling to sticking the phone in my hand.

00:28:36Take it.

00:28:37Please.

00:28:38Okay?

00:28:39Just take it and promise that you'll call me or at least ping me every night so that I know you're okay.

00:28:44How do I do that?

00:28:46He shows me the features on the phone and how I can press a button to send him like Morse code and everything.

00:28:52And then he presses it into my palm and wraps my fingers around it.

00:28:57Okay?

00:28:58He asks.

00:28:59Please.

00:29:00I nod reluctantly because I'm not sure this is such a great idea.

00:29:05But I have to admit that it gives me some small measure of comfort to think that I'll be able to reach him.

00:29:11And take this.

00:29:12He says taking off his watch.

00:29:14Why?

00:29:15Because you don't have one and because in case, I don't know.

00:29:19I just want you to have it.

00:29:21I examine it.

00:29:23I've seen it on his wrist, but never really paid attention.

00:29:27I'm not a watch girl, but it looks expensive, which isn't surprising.

00:29:31It also looks like it's been to hell and back, which it probably has.

00:29:36Nadir gave it to me.

00:29:38He says looking at it.

00:29:40Nadir, your business partner?

00:29:42The translator guy?

00:29:43Sure, yeah.

00:29:44That's him.

00:29:45My business partner.

00:29:48He somehow mocks himself and saying the words back to me.

00:29:52It's nice, I say studying it.

00:29:54Yeah, says Tyler.

00:29:56It was a gift to him from a platoon he translated for before we met.

00:30:01I guess they gave it to him as a thank you.

00:30:03Why'd he give it to you?

00:30:05Tyler blows out a breath.

00:30:08I don't know.

00:30:09Um, after we shook on partnering up on the bomb robot idea, he took it off and said,

00:30:15Tyler, please.

00:30:17You are doing a good thing.

00:30:18Please.

00:30:20Take this and always remember that I am grateful.

00:30:24He doesn't really get out the word grateful before his voice chokes off to a whisper,

00:30:28but I understand.

00:30:30Ty, I say pushing the watch away.

00:30:33No, you shouldn't.

00:30:34I didn't do a good thing, Mads.

00:30:36I didn't do a fucking thing.

00:30:39He gave me that because he thought I was a good guy and was helping him,

00:30:42and what I did instead was get him killed and spend the next few years fucking around

00:30:47and blowing money that was partially his.

00:30:50You, on the other hand, are about to do something brave and courageous and basically good.

00:30:55Trust me.

00:30:57If Nadir had met you, he would have wanted you to have it.

00:31:00He slides it on me.

00:31:02It dangles off my wrist.

00:31:04It's too big, I say.

00:31:06You should.

00:31:07I'll take a few links out.

00:31:08He cuts me off, but just take it and promise to find some way to make contact with me at,

00:31:14I don't know, 11 o'clock every night.

00:31:17Please?

00:31:18I...

00:31:20I'll try.

00:31:21It might get kinda suspicious if no matter what's happening, I steal away at 11 every night.

00:31:26Can we just say before the morning?

00:31:29His mouth tightens and he rolls his head, shifts his feet back and forth, but finally he says,

00:31:35Fine.

00:31:36I give him a kiss and then go back to packing.

00:31:39Looking down at the sat phone in my hand, I'm struck by how small and compact it is.

00:31:44Not at all like the big clunky one I used all those years ago when I was making calls to him

00:31:50when he was deployed.

00:31:52Calls that went unanswered.

00:31:54Just like the emails and letters.

00:31:57And suddenly, a thought lands on me.

00:32:00I have something for you too, I say.

00:32:03Yeah? What?

00:32:05As I walk over to my closet, my heart starts beating fast.

00:32:09I never thought in a million years that he'd actually wind up seeing this after all this time.

00:32:14I certainly didn't think I'd be sitting in front of him when he did.

00:32:18Reaching up to the top shelf, I fish around until my hand hits the shoebox.

00:32:23I swipe at it to bring it forward and it falls off the shelf into my grasp.

00:32:28I take a deep breath and turn around, placing the box on the bed.

00:32:32What's that? He asks.

00:32:35I remove the lid and inside are all the memories I've held on to.

00:32:39It makes me a little sad that every recollection, every reminiscence in my life that I've cared enough to keep

00:32:46can fit into a box small enough to hold just a pair of shoes.

00:32:50There's the business licenses from all the jobs I've failed to succeed at.

00:32:55There's a photo of me, Scotty, Mom, and Dad at the waterpark when I was probably four.

00:33:00There's another photo of Scotty and Evan and Tyler, all gathered around me, finishing singing Happy Birthday on my seventh birthday.

00:33:09And there, at the bottom, buried under all the other memories I don't want to forget, I find it.

00:33:17I pull it out of the box, letting the other assorted images and papers fall away.

00:33:22And on one last puff of breath leaving my lungs, I hand it to Tyler.

00:33:36I recognize it immediately.

00:33:39The last letter I ever got from Maddie while I was deployed.

00:33:43The one I sent back unopened.

00:33:46The one with my handwriting on the back.

00:33:49Please stop sending me letters.

00:33:53It's still sealed, the words she wrote entombed inside.

00:33:59I have some idea what's in here.

00:34:02She suggested a lot of things about it when she reminded me of its existence the night we found out we're us.

00:34:09My hands are shaking.

00:34:11And I can't pretend they're not because the jittering of the envelope betrays me.

00:34:15I flick at the paper with my middle finger and I don't look up.

00:34:19Just keep staring at the hurtful and selfish thing I wrote.

00:34:23Like if I stare hard enough the words themselves will start to mean something else.

00:34:29Shit. I manage.

00:34:32Yeah? She says.

00:34:35After a moment I ask.

00:34:37Should I open it?

00:34:39She shrugs.

00:34:41Up to you.

00:34:42I nod and chew at the inside of my mouth.

00:34:45But, like I told you back on Halloween, she says.

00:34:50It's a good one.

00:34:52She wears a half smile that suggests she's as nervous about me reading it as I am.

00:34:57I continue to flick at the corner of the envelope nodding my head ever so slightly all the while

00:35:02like someone standing on the edge of a high dive looking down into the water

00:35:06deciding how they're going to find the courage to jump.

00:35:09And then on a deep inhale

00:35:12fuck it, I jump.

00:35:14I slide my finger under the lip of the seal and rip a jagged tear along the seam.

00:35:19Looking up at Maddie I can see no easily identifiable expression on her face.

00:35:24She's caught somewhere between telling me to stop and breaking into a fit of nervous laughter.

00:35:29When I reach inside the paper catches on the corner that I didn't completely sever with my finger

00:35:34and almost puts a rip in the letter itself

00:35:37which would be just fucking perfect.

00:35:39I stop tugging and reset my hands like I'm performing delicate surgery.

00:35:44I rip away the rest of the offending corner and withdraw the contents

00:35:48placing the envelope on the bed a foot from where Maddie sits

00:35:52one leg crossed underneath her and the other dangling off the side.

00:35:57It's folded in perfect thirds

00:36:00almost as if she used a ruler to create the folds

00:36:03which knowing Maddie she very well may have.

00:36:06I lift the top flap and see her handwriting staring at me

00:36:10the words Dear Tyler at the top.

00:36:14And for the first time in my 30 years on earth

00:36:17it lands on me the way I suppose it's intended.

00:36:22Dear Tyler.

00:36:25Not Hello Tyler or Sup Tyler but

00:36:28Dear Tyler.

00:36:30My Dear Tyler.

00:36:33Huh.

00:36:34I never really processed that before.

00:36:37I flip open the bottom third and then it's just there

00:36:41staring me in the face.

00:36:44A page of words sent to me by a friend in need

00:36:47that I never bothered to read.

00:36:50I'll bet these words never thought they'd see the light of day again.

00:36:54I'll bet that when they found themselves being stuffed inside that shoebox

00:36:59they were like well that sucks.

00:37:01We're good words.

00:37:04Somebody took the time to write us down and shit

00:37:06and now here we are just being shoved into a dark fucking coffin

00:37:10never to get our shot at our job

00:37:12which is to make someone feel something.

00:37:16Because that's all words are.

00:37:18Sounds that we put together to have an effect on another person.

00:37:23Like God slash James Franco told me during the brief period I was in heaven

00:37:28they don't mean anything

00:37:30unless you give them meaning.

00:37:34I wonder what meaning these words will have on me

00:37:36now that they've been set free.

00:37:39Only one way to find out.

00:37:43Dear Tyler.

00:37:45Hi, it's me, Maddie.

00:37:48I hope that you're well and safe

00:37:50and that the other soldiers are being nice to you.

00:37:53So listen, I'm writing because

00:37:55as I'm sure you're aware

00:37:57we're coming up on Scotty's anniversary.

00:38:00That's a shitty thing to call it, I know

00:38:02because an anniversary usually implies

00:38:04something happy that you want to celebrate

00:38:06but I really don't have a better word for it

00:38:09and I guess the idea that an anniversary

00:38:11has to be a happy thing

00:38:13is just something we made up anyway.

00:38:15People, I mean.

00:38:17Ugh, people.

00:38:19The worst, am I right?

00:38:21LOL

00:38:23Anyway, I don't know if you've gotten all the other letters I sent

00:38:25because I haven't heard back.

00:38:27It's fine if you didn't

00:38:29they were mostly just like check-ins

00:38:31about what's going on here and stuff.

00:38:33A couple of them had little things I made

00:38:35tucked inside.

00:38:37I know you always loved the potholders

00:38:39that I would make, LOL

00:38:41but seriously, you should actually try

00:38:43crocheting yourself.

00:38:45I mean it, it's super calming.

00:38:47It's really helped me a lot this year.

00:38:49No kidding.

00:38:51I hope, if nothing else,

00:38:53you got the package I sent with the chain.

00:38:55I found this gold chain.

00:38:57Don't worry, it was fake.

00:39:00I paid like five bucks for it.

00:39:02That had a name tag on it that said

00:39:04Asshole.

00:39:06I thought of you the second I spotted it, LOL.

00:39:08So anyway, I hope you got that at least.

00:39:10I've tried to call the bunch too

00:39:12and send emails and stuff

00:39:14but I can't know for sure

00:39:16if you're getting the messages

00:39:18or if the emails are getting lost

00:39:20on some government email server or something.

00:39:22And if that's what's happening

00:39:24or if the letters and packages I've sent

00:39:26aren't being delivered,

00:39:28but I'm sending this one because

00:39:30because

00:39:32I'm not doing so good, Ty.

00:39:34Now, I don't want you to freak out

00:39:36and come running back to Vegas on the next plane

00:39:38out of wherever you are right now

00:39:40just for me, LOL

00:39:42I mean, I kind of do, of course.

00:39:44Because it'd be awesome to see you

00:39:46but I don't want you to like worry about me

00:39:48doing anything bad to myself or anything like that.

00:39:50Because that's not what I'm saying

00:39:52and that's not what I'm about.

00:39:54I just feel

00:39:57sad.

00:39:59Like, all the time.

00:40:01And there's really nobody here who gets it

00:40:03or who I can talk to.

00:40:05You know how mom and dad are.

00:40:07They say hi, by the way.

00:40:09They just kind of shove shit down

00:40:11and pretend everything's okay all the time.

00:40:13Which, don't get me wrong, I love them

00:40:15and I'm so grateful they're here.

00:40:17I don't know what I'd do if they weren't.

00:40:19Sometimes I feel like

00:40:21they're the only thing keeping me together.

00:40:23So, I mean,

00:40:25I love them, thank god.

00:40:27And that's great.

00:40:29But they're my parents, you know?

00:40:31Not my friends.

00:40:33And I don't have a lot of friends, Ty.

00:40:35Now, I'm not throwing a pity party.

00:40:37Oh, woe is Maddy.

00:40:39No, none of that.

00:40:41It's just true.

00:40:43I feel like I was starting to make a few friends

00:40:45in my first semester, but then, you know.

00:40:47And that kind of fucked all that up, so...

00:40:49And it's okay not to have a lot of friends, right?

00:40:51I think you feel that way, too, probably.

00:40:53I've always kind of thought

00:40:55we were the same that way.

00:40:57You don't need a lot of friends

00:40:59when you've got one or two really good ones.

00:41:01Like how you and Scotty and Evan

00:41:03had each other.

00:41:05And I guess, like how I had you guys, too.

00:41:07Because, I mean,

00:41:09that's the thing.

00:41:11I know you probably didn't feel this way

00:41:13because you're older and a guy and stuff,

00:41:15so I don't know if you ever noticed,

00:41:17but I always kind of saw myself

00:41:19as the fourth musketeer with you three.

00:41:22Aramis or Porthos, probably.

00:41:24I don't think I'm Othos,

00:41:26and you're definitely D'Artagnan.

00:41:28LOL.

00:41:30But seriously, I don't know if you saw

00:41:32how much I followed you guys around,

00:41:34but I did.

00:41:36Mom and Dad used to give me a hard time about it.

00:41:38Did I ever tell you that?

00:41:40They did.

00:41:42I think Mom was worried I was a lesbian or something.

00:41:44That's why she was always shoving me in dresses and shit.

00:41:46I don't know if you remember the time

00:41:48I asked for a fire hat for Christmas

00:41:50and you guys all had them

00:41:52and she got me a Barbie Dreamhouse instead.

00:41:54I know Scotty would remember

00:41:56because we set it on fire.

00:41:58The box said it was flame retardant,

00:42:00so we decided to see.

00:42:02I blame the manufacturer.

00:42:04Don't claim that shit unless you can back it up.

00:42:06Anyway,

00:42:08I'm not a lesbian, by the way.

00:42:10Like, I am so totally not a lesbian.

00:42:12Not that it's a bad thing or whatever,

00:42:14just, I'm not one.

00:42:16I just want to make that clear.

00:42:19Because,

00:42:21shit,

00:42:23I've tried to write this like three times

00:42:25and each time I scratch this part out and throw it in the trash.

00:42:27I'm only telling you that

00:42:29because my wrist is getting tired

00:42:31and I'm running out of stationery

00:42:33and I don't want to do it again.

00:42:35So I feel like maybe giving that disclaimer

00:42:37will help me just write it this time

00:42:39and not scratch it out or throw it away.

00:42:41So,

00:42:43okay, here goes.

00:42:45Because here's the thing,

00:42:47and I know this will sound crazy, okay?

00:42:49Let's just get that out of the way right now.

00:42:51I'm not stupid.

00:42:53And I know that feelings are just feelings

00:42:55and they come and go and that you grow up and stuff

00:42:57and when you do, things change and whatever.

00:42:59I know that.

00:43:01But mine haven't.

00:43:03Changed, I mean.

00:43:05I'm 19 now and I still feel

00:43:07exactly the same way I did when I was 9.

00:43:09And that's 10 years.

00:43:11That's more than half my life.

00:43:13That's a long time.

00:43:16So the point is that

00:43:18when I say this, when I tell you

00:43:20what I'm about to tell you,

00:43:22don't think it's just because I'm feeling needy

00:43:24or because I'm lonely

00:43:26or because of what happened to Scotty, okay?

00:43:28Because I'm not, okay?

00:43:30I'm not.

00:43:32I'm really, really not.

00:43:34This is really how I feel

00:43:36and it's real.

00:43:38I love you.

00:43:40Like,

00:43:42I love you,

00:43:45I always have.

00:43:47Ever since I was a little kid

00:43:49and then a middle-sized kid

00:43:51and then a big kid and now as like

00:43:53a grown-up type person.

00:43:55I love you.

00:43:57And I hope that doesn't weird you out

00:43:59or send you running because that's the last

00:44:01thing I want to do.

00:44:03The last thing.

00:44:05I just wanted you to know so that

00:44:07whenever it is you finally come back,

00:44:09you are coming back, right?

00:44:11Whenever that is,

00:44:14I want you to know I'll be here.

00:44:16I mean, I don't want to presume that

00:44:18you feel the same way or have you think

00:44:20I expect anything of you because I don't.

00:44:22I really don't.

00:44:24But I just needed you to know

00:44:26because it's been really, really hard

00:44:28this last almost year

00:44:30and one of the things that's gotten me through

00:44:32is thinking I'll see you again.

00:44:34And look, if this sounds crazy

00:44:36because it's been, you know,

00:44:38like six years since we've seen each other,

00:44:40I get that.

00:44:43It sounds crazy to me, too.

00:44:45But just because something's crazy

00:44:47doesn't mean it's not true.

00:44:49It's not a lie.

00:44:51It's just a lot.

00:44:53So,

00:44:55I hope this letter finds you

00:44:57and if it does, just know that it would mean

00:44:59the world to me to hear from you.

00:45:01Anything.

00:45:03Just any small thing letting me know

00:45:05that you're okay and that you're keeping your head up.

00:45:07Because even though it's hard,

00:45:09trust me, I know it's hard,

00:45:11I'll be looking for you.

00:45:13Ever and always yours,

00:45:15Maddie.

00:45:27I can't make out the look on his face

00:45:29as he's reading.

00:45:31His head is down.

00:45:33He sniffs out a laugh a couple times,

00:45:35which is nice.

00:45:37I don't remember what I wrote word for word,

00:45:40because I thought he'd appreciate it.

00:45:42So I'm glad that he seems to.

00:45:44It feels like it's taking a really long time

00:45:46for him to read the whole thing.

00:45:48And even though I want to ask him questions

00:45:50or say something to him,

00:45:52I force myself to sit there quietly

00:45:54until he finishes and looks up at me.

00:45:56And then he does.

00:45:58And his eyes are glistening.

00:46:00He swallows,

00:46:02shakes his head a tiny bit,

00:46:04closes his eyes,

00:46:06and smiles a bittersweet smile.

00:46:09I told you it was pretty good,

00:46:11I say.

00:46:13He opens his eyes and suddenly he's on top of me,

00:46:15pressing my back against the bed

00:46:17and kissing me with the urgency

00:46:19of someone who's been stranded in the desert

00:46:21for days and just got handed

00:46:23a glass of water.

00:46:25He takes the back of my head in his hands

00:46:27and presses his forehead to mine.

00:46:29He's gripping me tightly,

00:46:31but at the same time pulling back,

00:46:33like he wants to squeeze me

00:46:35with all his strength,

00:46:37so that if he does, he'll crush my skull,

00:46:39which I assume neither of us wants.

00:46:43I'm so, so sorry,

00:46:45he says, his voice quavering.

00:46:47I know, I say.

00:46:49No, you don't,

00:46:51he assures me.

00:46:53I am sorrier than I will ever be able

00:46:55to explain.

00:46:57It's okay, I say, stroking his cheek.

00:46:59I should have been there.

00:47:01Yeah, I say.

00:47:03That would have been nice,

00:47:05but you're here now.

00:47:07But when you needed me,

00:47:09I lean forward and shush him with a kiss.

00:47:11Living in the past, babe,

00:47:13I say and wink.

00:47:15He pushes up off of me

00:47:17and sits next to me on the edge of the bed.

00:47:19I sit up and join him.

00:47:21He takes my hand.

00:47:23We don't talk.

00:47:25He just looks at my hand in his.

00:47:27Finally, after a minute, I ask him,

00:47:29What are you thinking about?

00:47:31And in true Tyler Morgan fashion,

00:47:33there's no way I can predict his answer.

00:47:39Daniel Day-Lewis?

00:47:41That's what I tell her.

00:47:43That's what I'm thinking.

00:47:45What? she asks.

00:47:47Daniel, the actor?

00:47:49Why?

00:47:51Do I remind you of Daniel Day-Lewis?

00:47:53No, I laugh.

00:47:55Okay, good, although he is very talented,

00:47:57so I suppose.

00:47:59You ever see The Last of the Mohicans?

00:48:01No, she says.

00:48:03Then adds, I read the book.

00:48:05Pfft, book.

00:48:07I say with some scorn.

00:48:09Reading? Blech.

00:48:11She smiles and nods like she's tolerating me,

00:48:13silently asking me to go on.

00:48:17There's a famous quote from the movie where he goes,

00:48:19Stay alive.

00:48:21No matter what occurs, I will find you.

00:48:23No matter how long it takes, no matter how far,

00:48:25I will find you.

00:48:27Yeah, I know, she says.

00:48:29It's also from the book.

00:48:31Okay, well, wherever it's from,

00:48:33it's all I can think of.

00:48:35It just keeps running through my head

00:48:37over and over.

00:48:39I roll our interlaced fingers over

00:48:41so that I can see the back of her hand.

00:48:43It's strong, but delicate.

00:48:45Long fingers

00:48:47and white skin.

00:48:49Veins that tense with the clench

00:48:51of her grip.

00:48:53Freckles.

00:48:55Just a few light, faint,

00:48:57perfect freckles.

00:48:59I have the same thought I had

00:49:01the other day.

00:49:03That I want to learn her.

00:49:05Her body.

00:49:07Every millimeter of her.

00:49:09I want it burned into my brain.

00:49:11I want to imprint her

00:49:13into my memory before she goes.

00:49:15I want to study her.

00:49:17I want to have a PhD in Maddy Clayton.

00:49:19I let go of her hand

00:49:21and stand up, turn to face her,

00:49:23and then kneel down.

00:49:25What are you doing? She asks.

00:49:27I don't say anything.

00:49:29She's not wearing shoes,

00:49:31so I start tugging at the toes of her socks,

00:49:33and she giggles as I work them off

00:49:35her legs and then hold her precious feet

00:49:37in my hands, examining them.

00:49:39I stroke the bones

00:49:41that run along the top, ending at the tips

00:49:43of her toes, and I kiss each toe

00:49:45one by one.

00:49:47I turn them over to inspect the scar

00:49:49I found the other day,

00:49:51and I give it a kiss.

00:49:53Then I spread her legs and slide in between

00:49:55them, popping my head up to give her a kiss

00:49:57on the lips before I unbutton her jeans

00:49:59and draw down the zipper.

00:50:01She leans back, propping herself

00:50:03on her elbows, and shimmies

00:50:05her hips as I pull her pants down.

00:50:07They're so tight on her,

00:50:09so fitted, that they

00:50:11draw her underwear along with them as I pull,

00:50:13and then the pants are off

00:50:15her body and on the floor,

00:50:17and her bare calves and knees

00:50:19and thighs and pussy are there

00:50:21for me to explore.

00:50:23Still leaning back on her elbows,

00:50:25she tilts her head to the side, presses

00:50:27her lips together in a tight smile, and

00:50:29raises her eyebrows at me.

00:50:31I lift one of her legs and place

00:50:33my face right next to it,

00:50:35like an archaeologist

00:50:37exploring the contours of a priceless

00:50:39ancient artifact.

00:50:41Her smell.

00:50:43Her smell will be the thing

00:50:45that I know I will hold on to most.

00:50:47It's always been

00:50:49that way for me.

00:50:51Smell is the most potent sense I have

00:50:53when it comes to triggering memories.

00:50:55When I smell cinnamon,

00:50:57I remember my mom.

00:50:59Because she was baking when she collapsed

00:51:01that last time after chemo.

00:51:03And so that's the smell

00:51:05I choose to associate with my final

00:51:07memory of her,

00:51:09as opposed to the antiseptic smell of the hospital.

00:51:11Because that

00:51:13wasn't her anymore anyway.

00:51:15Mom stayed in the kitchen.

00:51:17Only the shell of her

00:51:19stuck around for a couple weeks more in the

00:51:21hospital bed.

00:51:23Anyway.

00:51:25Right now Maddie smells like

00:51:27freshly cut grass.

00:51:29She's been packing and getting ready to leave all day

00:51:31and it's been weirdly warm of late

00:51:33so she's a little sweaty.

00:51:35And that smell,

00:51:37that pungent, dense, round

00:51:39smell of sweat on her skin

00:51:41that fills my nostrils,

00:51:43reminds me of summer.

00:51:45Which I love because I suppose

00:51:47that means that for the rest of my life

00:51:49there'll be an entire season where every

00:51:51day all I'll be able to think

00:51:53about is her.

00:51:55Even though I don't imagine needing a lot of prompts

00:51:57to steer my thoughts in her direction.

00:51:59As I stroke my fingers

00:52:01along her leg, kissing as I go

00:52:03and drinking in her scent

00:52:05with every breath, she drops

00:52:07down from her elbows, letting herself

00:52:09lie flat on her back.

00:52:11Her legs dangling off the side of the bed.

00:52:13She traces her fingers up and down

00:52:15the line of her stomach,

00:52:17pushing her t-shirt up to the curve

00:52:19of her breasts as I continue

00:52:21my survey of her flesh.

00:52:23I'm discovering things.

00:52:25Things that no

00:52:27one else on earth, besides

00:52:29me, will know.

00:52:31Her right calf appears

00:52:33just infinitesimally stronger

00:52:35than her left.

00:52:37Her left knee is the teeniest

00:52:39bit knobbier than her right.

00:52:41And when I kiss her behind

00:52:43either of her knees, she shudders

00:52:45through her stomach, causing her toes

00:52:47to crinkle.

00:52:49As I pass the bend in her knee,

00:52:51I draw my nose along the inside of her thigh.

00:52:53She wriggles

00:52:55a teeny bit as my beard

00:52:57moves along her soft skin.

00:52:59And then my mouth is right

00:53:01at the brink of her entrance.

00:53:03I take my thumb and run it along the pink

00:53:05folds and she lets out a

00:53:07hmm.

00:53:09I tilt my head, studying

00:53:11my fingers as they massage her

00:53:13tender skin and take note

00:53:15of what sound each gesture

00:53:17evokes from her.

00:53:19Kissing tenderly on her opening

00:53:21causes her to growl from somewhere

00:53:23deep inside her throat, so I do.

00:53:25I kiss

00:53:27and I let my warm breath

00:53:29signal my presence, but I don't want

00:53:31to penetrate her. Not this way.

00:53:33If she wants

00:53:35me to be inside her, I will happily

00:53:37oblige, but for now,

00:53:39I just want to be here with her and

00:53:41hold her close.

00:53:43And I will.

00:53:45And I will hold her

00:53:47close in my thoughts every second

00:53:49that she's gone.

00:53:51But more importantly,

00:53:53I will hold her in my

00:53:55heart.

00:53:57Some people

00:53:59search their whole life looking for that

00:54:01one place they belong,

00:54:03for that one person who gets them,

00:54:05who brings them into their world,

00:54:07lets them fall easily into the pull

00:54:09of their gravity, and lets them

00:54:11just be,

00:54:13just exist, quietly,

00:54:15naturally, freely.

00:54:17This is Tyler for me,

00:54:19the center of my universe,

00:54:21the man around whom I now

00:54:23orbit. Not like

00:54:25a satellite, either, but like

00:54:27like two things meant to be one.

00:54:29Like long ago

00:54:31something crashed into us, broke us

00:54:33into little pieces and left us adrift,

00:54:35floating in directionless

00:54:37space, spinning wildly

00:54:39with no tether.

00:54:41And now we've been pulled back together,

00:54:43and we circle each other,

00:54:45still spinning, but with the purpose

00:54:47of joining, of becoming

00:54:49one thing again.

00:54:51Not because of tragedy, the way I'd

00:54:53imagined when I sent that letter.

00:54:55It's not a lifeline of salvation

00:54:57connecting us now, but some

00:54:59force of nature we can't explain,

00:55:01or control, or bend

00:55:03to our will.

00:55:05Some law of the universe that dictates

00:55:07the fate of things.

00:55:09We are connected by something more

00:55:11powerful than shared sorrow,

00:55:13and every moment we've spent

00:55:15apart has been valuable, necessary,

00:55:17critical.

00:55:19This mouth between my legs

00:55:21feels wonderful. I could

00:55:23close my eyes and enjoy it,

00:55:25let myself reach the heights of pleasure.

00:55:27But alone?

00:55:29No.

00:55:31I'm done doing things alone.

00:55:33We're connected now, and everything

00:55:35we do will be together.

00:55:37So I whisper,

00:55:39Tyler, as I caress his

00:55:41head, run my fingers through

00:55:43his hair, touch his shoulders,

00:55:45slide my fingertips up and

00:55:47down the hills and valleys of his muscular

00:55:49arms.

00:55:51He looks up at me, his eyes smiling

00:55:53even though they're half-closed,

00:55:55even though his mouth is still working,

00:55:57his tongue still flicking

00:55:59against my pussy.

00:56:01Come up here, I say,

00:56:03and kiss my mouth.

00:56:05Now he smiles with his whole

00:56:07face, his hands

00:56:09plant on either side of my hips, and

00:56:11he draws himself up to standing.

00:56:13He lifts his t-shirt over his head

00:56:15and undoes his jeans, letting

00:56:17them fall to the floor, and his

00:56:19nakedness reminds me that he has

00:56:21lived every single day of his time

00:56:23on this earth.

00:56:25He leans onto the bed and eases forward.

00:56:27My legs open wider for him,

00:56:29welcome him between them

00:56:31as his cock, hard

00:56:33and long and ready, rests

00:56:35against my clit, making

00:56:37me want him.

00:56:39If we stopped right now, if he

00:56:41just rested his chest on top of

00:56:43my breasts, became nothing more

00:56:45than heavy weight as he closed

00:56:47his eyes, relaxed, and fell asleep,

00:56:49I'd be content,

00:56:51happy, and satisfied.

00:56:53And not because there'd be

00:56:55more chances to do this later,

00:56:57but because it's him

00:56:59I want, not the sex.

00:57:01He leans

00:57:03down, his hands on either side of my

00:57:05head now, bending the mattress

00:57:07the way space-time bends around a

00:57:09sun, and when his lips

00:57:11reach mine, my eyes are closed,

00:57:13and I fall again.

00:57:15I fall far

00:57:17and long and easily,

00:57:19the same way I drifted

00:57:21towards him.

00:57:23And as I drift, weightless,

00:57:25we kiss.

00:57:27But I'm still connected to him,

00:57:29always next to him,

00:57:31because this is what it feels like to fall

00:57:33into someone, not away.

00:57:35This is not me slipping

00:57:37down the mountain. This is not me

00:57:39losing my footing.

00:57:41This is me finding myself

00:57:43in him, in us.

00:57:45So when I reach my

00:57:47hand between my legs and place him right

00:57:49where he needs to be,

00:57:51he enters me, and all those

00:57:53broken, spinning pieces come together

00:57:55to once again create the thing

00:57:57we were always meant to become.

00:57:59Our bodies move together,

00:58:01perfectly synchronized,

00:58:03like the dance of stars

00:58:05in space. His body

00:58:07is hot, and my body is hot,

00:58:09and the heat we create between

00:58:11us doesn't burn like fire,

00:58:13but rearranges us,

00:58:15like the molecules of two metals

00:58:17mixing to form the strongest

00:58:19sword made of the very best steel.

00:58:21Our lovemaking is slow

00:58:23and perfect.

00:58:25We reach the heights of pleasure

00:58:27together, as one.

00:58:29And it's the kind of climax

00:58:31that only happens once in a lifetime,

00:58:33the kind of release that

00:58:35means more than the way it makes you feel.

00:58:37It tells you who

00:58:39you are, and who you're with,

00:58:41and exactly where you

00:58:43fit in the grand scheme of things.

00:58:45He says,

00:58:47I love you, Medicine.

00:58:49And I say it back,

00:58:51I love you, Tyler.

00:58:53We mold ourselves into

00:58:55each other as we relax and grow

00:58:57sleepy, our bodies back

00:58:59together, his arms around

00:59:01me, my back pressed against

00:59:03his chest, our

00:59:05hearts beating,

00:59:07keeping time, becoming

00:59:09what we were always meant to be.

00:59:15Chapter Twelve

00:59:17Maddie

00:59:19I see a lot

00:59:21staring out the window of Rick's car

00:59:23as we drive south, towards

00:59:25Mexico. But then again,

00:59:27I see nothing.

00:59:29Because I'm picturing Tyler when I left

00:59:31him behind this morning.

00:59:33He tilted his head a little, like he was about

00:59:35to veto the whole thing.

00:59:37But I did this little head shake in response.

00:59:39A no.

00:59:41A soft one, but still a no.

00:59:43It was hard to say goodbye,

00:59:45but we did it. I refused

00:59:47to cry because that wouldn't be fair

00:59:49to him. This was my

00:59:51decision, so I have to be strong

00:59:53no matter what. But I was

00:59:55sad, and he was sad, so

00:59:57I glance at the

00:59:59watch on my wrist, Tyler's watch,

01:00:01Nadir's watch.

01:00:03It's not lost on me that

01:00:05history is nothing more than the passage of

01:00:07time, and that we record

01:00:09time to give us some sense of our

01:00:11place in our own stories.

01:00:13And now we've been driving for hours,

01:00:15in silence. Complete,

01:00:17dead silence.

01:00:19Ricky and I

01:00:21haven't said one word to each other.

01:00:23Ricky is staying in character,

01:00:25and I'm too paranoid that Carlos

01:00:27might have the car bugged.

01:00:29So I've been dwelling on my decision.

01:00:31Was it really a decision?

01:00:33I mean, I guess I could have

01:00:35let Tyler pay the money, but

01:00:37would that have been the end of it?

01:00:39Would Carlos really have let me go?

01:00:41No.

01:00:43There was never a decision to be made

01:00:45because it was made for me.

01:00:47Somehow, someway,

01:00:49I got Carlos Castillo's

01:00:51attention. And like Pete

01:00:53said, you're in

01:00:55Castillo's orbit now, there's no getting

01:00:57out of it. He was wrong though,

01:00:59wasn't he? He got out.

01:01:01Dead.

01:01:03This thought gives me new strength as

01:01:05we drive straight through Mexicali.

01:01:07I know we're close to arriving,

01:01:09so my leg's been bouncing, and my

01:01:11hands are sweaty and my heart is racing.

01:01:13But Pete's words

01:01:15to me are just what I need to stay focused

01:01:17on this goal. I don't

01:01:19care if Logan killed him by accident,

01:01:21and I give no shits that Carlos

01:01:23didn't give the okay to kill Pete.

01:01:25Pete is dead. You can't

01:01:27fix that. You can't

01:01:29take that back. There's no

01:01:31do-over.

01:01:33So I'm gonna do my job.

01:01:35More miles pass, and then we're

01:01:37out in the countryside.

01:01:39It looks a little familiar from the last

01:01:41time. And pretty soon, the

01:01:43roads turn to dirt, and there's nothing but

01:01:45dust kicking up behind us when

01:01:47a large house appears off in the distance.

01:01:49A fortress.

01:01:51It's typical Spanish

01:01:53style, stucco with arched

01:01:55windows and doorways. And

01:01:57the gate leading into the property is intricate

01:01:59metalwork, and the walls surrounding

01:02:01it are solid and look impenetrable.

01:02:03There's lots of little

01:02:05outdoor walkways winding around the perimeter

01:02:07of the house that I never noticed before.

01:02:09All of them behind bars.

01:02:11A prison, then.

01:02:13When we approach, there are

01:02:15guards with guns in a little building

01:02:17off to the side, who probably

01:02:19control the gate. But Ricky's

01:02:21car must be one they know,

01:02:23because the gate opens for us and we pass

01:02:25through. I let out a

01:02:27loud breath of air, and I can

01:02:29imagine Ricky's heart is beating as fast

01:02:31as mine, because his stake in this

01:02:33is as big as mine.

01:02:35Even if he's not the person Carlos

01:02:37is interested in. And I

01:02:39am.

01:02:41He will be killed if his cover is blown.

01:02:43Brutally. Like,

01:02:45beheaded, maybe. Or

01:02:47hanged from a bridge and left there

01:02:49to decay in the sun as an example

01:02:51to the locals.

01:02:53I want to say something to him.

01:02:55Make him say something to me.

01:02:57Something that builds my courage, like

01:02:59we'll get him, or something comforting

01:03:01like, I won't let him touch you.

01:03:03But he doesn't.

01:03:05And I don't either. Because we're

01:03:07past that now.

01:03:09He needs to be Ricky and do his Ricky

01:03:11job, and I need to be Maddie

01:03:13and do my Maddie job.

01:03:15The car stops too soon, and then

01:03:17Ricky is out, and my door opens,

01:03:19and a large man tells me to get

01:03:21out in Spanish.

01:03:23I do, swallowing down

01:03:25my fear. I'm wearing jeans

01:03:27and a t-shirt and sneakers just in

01:03:29case I need to run.

01:03:31I don't have any makeup on, and my

01:03:33hair is pulled up in a ponytail because

01:03:35I'll be damned if I'm gonna make myself

01:03:37pretty for this murdering asshole.

01:03:39The big guy takes the

01:03:41couple of small bags I brought with me,

01:03:43and my heart catches when I think

01:03:45of the sat phone, and them

01:03:47finding it and keeping it.

01:03:49But I keep a blank, almost bored look

01:03:51on my face so that nobody gets to think

01:03:53I give a shit what they do.

01:03:55I look around as the unfamiliar

01:03:57man beckons me toward the front

01:03:59door, which is open.

01:04:01Walking through it, I discover

01:04:03the inside decked out for Christmas,

01:04:05looking like something from a fairy

01:04:07tale. Like a Brothers Grimm

01:04:09fairy tale where somebody gets

01:04:11eaten by a wolf at the end.

01:04:13Holly adorns the grand

01:04:15staircase. Ribbons and

01:04:17baubles hang from everywhere,

01:04:19and on the far side of the hall is a

01:04:21Christmas tree that looks like it was stolen

01:04:23from the Rockefeller Center.

01:04:25And, also dressed in

01:04:27festive holiday attire, the

01:04:29servants are once again all lined up

01:04:31just like they were last time.

01:04:33Only this time, it's

01:04:35only me arriving to greet them,

01:04:37not their master.

01:04:39So why the fuck are they doing that?

01:04:41Welcome, Madison.

01:04:43I look to my right to see

01:04:45Carlos standing under an arched

01:04:47doorway that leads off to another part of

01:04:49the house. He's wearing a light

01:04:51colored linen suit like he's on vacation

01:04:53in the tropics and we're going out for

01:04:55dinner. His tie is pale

01:04:57green, and the small sliver

01:04:59of pocket square I can see is red.

01:05:01Ho, ho, fucking

01:05:03ho. Carlos

01:05:05Castillo isn't ugly,

01:05:07or old. He's not handsome

01:05:09or young, either. He's

01:05:11something in between those things.

01:05:13He reaches for me, the gold ring

01:05:15on his right hand flashing in a sliver

01:05:17of sun that finds its way inside,

01:05:19until the massive front door

01:05:21creaks as it's closed up by

01:05:23a servant, and the grand foyer

01:05:25goes dim with shadows.

01:05:27I don't reach for him,

01:05:29but my hand ends up in his

01:05:31anyway. He kisses it,

01:05:33which repulses me, and for a second

01:05:35I try to withdraw it, but

01:05:37his grip tightens, and I give up

01:05:39and do my matty job.

01:05:41Mr. Castillo,

01:05:43I say, not cold, but

01:05:45cool enough. He

01:05:47whisks his tongue but smiles.

01:05:49Please, call me

01:05:51Carlos. Unless you have

01:05:53a pet name for me already, then

01:05:55call me that instead.

01:05:57Ew. How was the drive?

01:05:59He asks.

01:06:01I look around for Ricky, but he's gone.

01:06:03So's the other guy.

01:06:05Just me, the master,

01:06:07and his servants. They all

01:06:09look straight ahead, not at me,

01:06:11just staring at the closed door

01:06:13like robots.

01:06:15Long, I sigh,

01:06:17and hot, and boring,

01:06:19and silent.

01:06:21Well, Carlos says, placing

01:06:23my hand on his arm as he leads me

01:06:25forward into the interior rooms of the house.

01:06:27Let's see if we

01:06:29can't improve conditions

01:06:31a little.

01:06:33It's hot for December, which is appropriate

01:06:35since I'm spending Christmas in hell.

01:06:37We descend down

01:06:39several steps to a sunken living room,

01:06:41and the temperature cools.

01:06:43There's ceiling fans and A.C.,

01:06:45I'm sure of it, but the

01:06:47foyer was grand and tall,

01:06:49a place that gathers heat.

01:06:51This room, which is

01:06:53tastefully furnished with overly large

01:06:55southwestern pieces, was meant

01:06:57to keep heat out, not trap

01:06:59it inside. A servant,

01:07:01who's dressed like something out of

01:07:03the fucking Nutcracker, appears

01:07:05on my left, tray outstretched,

01:07:07glass of water on top.

01:07:09I take it automatically because my mouth

01:07:11is dry and tastes like paste.

01:07:13For a moment I wonder if maybe

01:07:15it's drugged, like he's going to

01:07:17roofie me, but then I decide

01:07:19that's silly. Why would he?

01:07:21I came here on my own.

01:07:23So I drink it, all of it,

01:07:25and place it back on the tray, because that

01:07:27servant is still hovering,

01:07:29and then look at Carlos and sigh.

01:07:31Let's take care of the boring

01:07:33part now, shall we?

01:07:35Whatever. I nod,

01:07:37force a small smile,

01:07:39and let him lead me through the house

01:07:41as he points out different rooms and special

01:07:43objects he has an affection for.

01:07:45There's a lot of bedrooms,

01:07:47and two wings to the

01:07:49house, but our tour only

01:07:51covers one side.

01:07:53I soon realize the other side of the house

01:07:55is where I was last time,

01:07:57the prison side. This side

01:07:59is his personal residence,

01:08:01and by the time the tour makes it to the

01:08:03last of the bedrooms, I'm not surprised

01:08:05at the lack of bars on the windows.

01:08:07He's pointed out paintings,

01:08:09pottery, rugs, and other

01:08:11pieces he's collected over the years.

01:08:13This is my

01:08:15home, Madison, he says

01:08:17as we turn the corner and enter the master

01:08:19suite. And now it's yours

01:08:21too. Jesus

01:08:23Christ, he's fucking certifiable,

01:08:25but I make myself

01:08:27smile. It's lovely,

01:08:29really. He looks at the

01:08:31bed, then back at me.

01:08:33Fuck you, buddy.

01:08:35We should swim, I say.

01:08:37I'm still so hot.

01:08:39This must be something agreeable

01:08:41to him because he draws in a breath.

01:08:43You didn't bring very much

01:08:45luggage. No, I

01:08:47say, I didn't. I figured

01:08:49you'd provide for me. I'm

01:08:51not wrong, am I? I arch my

01:08:53eyebrow, which makes him beam

01:08:55for some stupid reason.

01:08:57You're correct. You are mine

01:08:59now, and I will provide for you.

01:09:01This is what it means to be

01:09:03mine. I nod,

01:09:05smile, say, yes,

01:09:07that's what it means.

01:09:09He watches me carefully for a few moments,

01:09:11maybe trying to figure out if I'm

01:09:13sincere or this is all just

01:09:15bullshit. He knows it's an

01:09:17act. He must. He's

01:09:19crazy, not stupid. But he

01:09:21doesn't address any suspicions he may

01:09:23have, and motions towards a

01:09:25set of double doors. The

01:09:27servant who's been following us around the

01:09:29entire tour jets out from behind us

01:09:31and opens them. It's a closet,

01:09:33huge, something

01:09:35I'd die for if it was

01:09:37really mine, and not an elaborate

01:09:39trap laid by an insane

01:09:41drug lord. I take in

01:09:43the dresses, gowns, some of

01:09:45them. The shirts, hung

01:09:47neatly from those fancy hangers you

01:09:49only see in the movies. Or

01:09:51probably at Evan and Robert's.

01:09:53Pants, some folded

01:09:55on shelves, some clipped to hangers

01:09:57to keep them creased.

01:09:59But it's the swimsuits I'm

01:10:01interested in. I've thought

01:10:03about this first day and how we might

01:10:05spend it the entire drive down.

01:10:07When I wasn't missing Tyler,

01:10:09that is. Emily

01:10:11encouraged me to think of things that I might want

01:10:13to do that would please Carlos,

01:10:15but simultaneously keep him at

01:10:17a distance. Use the fact

01:10:19that I have something he wants.

01:10:21That I am something he wants,

01:10:23to my advantage.

01:10:25And I came up with the idea of swimming

01:10:27to pass the hours. Luckily

01:10:29the weather will allow for it.

01:10:31He can see me in a suit, and I can

01:10:33cool off in the pool. Maybe sun

01:10:35myself. Pretend I am on

01:10:37vacation. And hopefully,

01:10:39if I play it right, it will put him

01:10:41at ease and keep him from touching me

01:10:43at the same time. Because

01:10:45I will not fuck Carlos

01:10:47Castillo. Not for Ricky,

01:10:49not for the DEA, not

01:10:51for my goddamned country.

01:10:53Not for anyone. Carlos

01:10:55lets me move away from him,

01:10:57probably getting off on this moment.

01:10:59Seeing himself as some

01:11:01generous, benevolent king

01:11:03instead of some low-life scum who

01:11:05needs to trap a girl to keep her.

01:11:07I reach for the swimsuits hanging

01:11:09off to the side.

01:11:11There's two pieces in the drawer down

01:11:13below. Carlos offers

01:11:15as if I'd really choose a bikini

01:11:17when I have five one-pieces hanging

01:11:19in front of me. Two of

01:11:21them are just strategically placed

01:11:23strings. One

01:11:25would be fairly conservative

01:11:27if it wasn't see-through mesh.

01:11:29One looks like something an Olympic swimmer

01:11:31might wear for a meet.

01:11:33And one is black, covers the

01:11:35most important parts, and

01:11:37shimmers with rhinestones.

01:11:39I chose the blingy one. I would

01:11:41choose the athletic one, but I have a

01:11:43plan and that's not part of it.

01:11:45Do you like this one? I ask,

01:11:47holding the suit up in front of my body

01:11:49by the hanger. He stares

01:11:51at me, first my face,

01:11:53studying it carefully.

01:11:55Then his eyes track down over

01:11:57the suit and my body, and

01:11:59he smiles.

01:12:01I can't know for sure until you put it on.

01:12:03Some privacy? I ask,

01:12:05softly, sweetly.

01:12:07He nods his head,

01:12:09backs out of the closet, and closes

01:12:11the doors behind him.

01:12:13I strip quickly, efficiently,

01:12:15kicking my own clothes

01:12:17into a heap at the edge of the ball gowns

01:12:19and pull the swimsuit up,

01:12:21letting the straps snap against

01:12:23my skin as I adjust it.

01:12:25There's a bazillion shoes to

01:12:27choose from. I scan the shelves,

01:12:29decide on a pair of blingy

01:12:31black ones that kinda match the suit,

01:12:33then grab a white button-down

01:12:35shirt and pull it on over me.

01:12:37Sunglasses,

01:12:39all lined up neatly in a velvet-lined

01:12:41drawer, and a floppy

01:12:43cream-colored straw hat,

01:12:45sitting on a high shelf, complete

01:12:47my look. So by the

01:12:49time Carlos gets antsy and

01:12:51knocks on the doors, calling out

01:12:53Madison, I'm

01:12:55ready. I open them up,

01:12:57find him about to knock again,

01:12:59then enjoy his pleasant surprise

01:13:01at my change. Because

01:13:03I'm not Maddy Clayton right now.

01:13:05I'm Madison, civilian

01:13:07undercover for the D.E. fuckin'

01:13:09A. And I figure the

01:13:11quickest way to gain enough intel to take

01:13:13this asshole down and put him away for good

01:13:15is to assimilate.

01:13:17Is that what you're wearing

01:13:19out to the pool? Carlos,

01:13:21I say, taking

01:13:23his lapels and my fingertips and caressing

01:13:25the soft linen of his suit.

01:13:27Go change.

01:13:29We can't play in the pool if you're wearing the wrong

01:13:31kind of suit. He tilts

01:13:33his head at me, questioning my

01:13:35immediate surrender. What,

01:13:37I ask, what's wrong?

01:13:39He says nothing, just

01:13:41stares at me. Look,

01:13:43I say, sighing, letting

01:13:45go of the false happiness and getting real.

01:13:47I get it. Obviously

01:13:49this is not the way I thought this

01:13:51was all going to go, and I've

01:13:53clearly not been very forthcoming before now.

01:13:55But I've thought about it all,

01:13:57and I've come to a brutal conclusion.

01:13:59He continues staring.

01:14:01My life sucked, okay?

01:14:03I mean, I was a goddamn stripper

01:14:05for fuck's sake, and not a very good one.

01:14:07This makes him smile.

01:14:09And I couldn't see a

01:14:11fucking way out of it, but this,

01:14:13all this, is an opportunity.

01:14:15My life's been going downhill

01:14:17for a long time, and this

01:14:19is a chance to be a little less miserable.

01:14:21Look, I know

01:14:23this isn't real. I know you

01:14:25don't really love me or anything.

01:14:27And you know I don't really love

01:14:29you. But I'm not gonna

01:14:31blow this, Carlos.

01:14:33He squints his eyes at me, confused.

01:14:35Blow what?

01:14:37This, I say,

01:14:39shrugging as I pan my arms wide

01:14:41to indicate the room.

01:14:43All of this. I'm gonna enjoy it.

01:14:45I'm gonna eat your food

01:14:47and use your expensive soaps in the shower

01:14:49and play in your pool and sun myself

01:14:51and probably drink too much.

01:14:53So there, I say,

01:14:55hands on hips. What do you think of that?

01:14:57He chuckles.

01:14:59I pray, don't kiss me.

01:15:01Please don't kiss me.

01:15:03What else will you do?

01:15:05He asks, his voice husky.

01:15:07Oh, you mean, will I fuck you?

01:15:09No, I say,

01:15:11crossing my arms. I might have

01:15:13been a stripper, but I'm not a whore.

01:15:15I can't be bought.

01:15:17If you want a whore, go get one.

01:15:19I'm your companion.

01:15:21He does more than chuckle now.

01:15:23You're what I want

01:15:25you to be, Madison.

01:15:27Yeah, I say, backing up one step.

01:15:29And what's that?

01:15:31Do you want to force me?

01:15:33Do you want me to pretend, Carlos?

01:15:35He stares at me.

01:15:37I know I'm making him angry, but I push through it.

01:15:39Or do you want me to give in

01:15:41and be real?

01:15:43Because those two things are very different

01:15:45and the way you get them is also very

01:15:47different.

01:15:49You just said you won't.

01:15:51Fuck me.

01:15:53I take a brief, secret breath and say,

01:15:55if I come to like you,

01:15:57we can have sex.

01:15:59If I come to love you, I'll do anything you want.

01:16:01But I don't love you right now.

01:16:03I like your things.

01:16:05I like your money. I like your power.

01:16:07But I don't like you.

01:16:09In fact, I kind of fucking hate you.

01:16:11You think I owe you money when I don't.

01:16:13You sent your stupid nephew

01:16:15to threaten me.

01:16:17Easy, Scarlet.

01:16:19Devil says.

01:16:21Because Carlos's face is turning red with anger.

01:16:23Not sure this was part of the fucking strategy

01:16:25Emily taught you.

01:16:27Shut the fuck up.

01:16:29I tell him silently.

01:16:31And you killed my friend.

01:16:33I didn't order that.

01:16:35He says coolly.

01:16:37Who cares?

01:16:39I yell. I'm mad about it.

01:16:41I'm mad as fucking hell, okay?

01:16:43And if you want to rape me,

01:16:45if you want to prove to me that you're the asshole

01:16:47I think you are right now,

01:16:49then I can't stop you, can I?

01:16:51We stare hard at each other now,

01:16:53neither of us willing to back down.

01:16:55But if you'd like to change your mind,

01:16:57I say, softening just a little.

01:16:59Just enough.

01:17:01Show me another side of you.

01:17:03Well,

01:17:05then I'll give you another chance.

01:17:07If you're patient with me,

01:17:09I'll be patient with you.

01:17:11He looks down at his stupid,

01:17:13expensive shoes.

01:17:15I catch him grinning like a dumbass teenager.

01:17:17And when he raises his eyes

01:17:19to meet mine again,

01:17:21I see that I've won.

01:17:23Never underestimate

01:17:25the power of a woman.

01:17:29Chapter 13

01:17:31Tyler

01:17:35I'm sitting on her bed

01:17:37reading the letter she wrote me all those years ago

01:17:39for the fiftieth time since she left,

01:17:41when I hear the front door to the house open.

01:17:43I'm staring at the words,

01:17:45I love you,

01:17:47when Caroline, carrying a Christmas tree,

01:17:49walks past the open bedroom door

01:17:51and sees me.

01:17:53Tyler? She asks.

01:17:55Hey, Caroline, I say,

01:17:57pretty fucking mournfully.

01:17:59It's Diane, she says.

01:18:01Okay, fine, Diane.

01:18:03Jesus.

01:18:05Then she asks,

01:18:07Where's Maddie?

01:18:09Oh, she had to, uh,

01:18:11go out of town for a few days.

01:18:13Really? Where'd she go?

01:18:15Jesus Christ.

01:18:17I haven't seen Caroline

01:18:19and or Diane in weeks,

01:18:21and this is the day one of them chooses to come home

01:18:23and change their panties?

01:18:25Uh, Monaco?

01:18:27I blurt out.

01:18:29Monaco? Really? Why?

01:18:31Parents, I say.

01:18:33She looks concerned.

01:18:35And then she looks disgruntled.

01:18:37Shit, she says.

01:18:39She's not like moving there, is she?

01:18:41We already lost one roommate we're having to cover rent for.

01:18:43When will she be back?

01:18:45Not sure, I say.

01:18:47Well, okay, then she says.

01:18:49Would have been nice for her to tell us

01:18:51she was going.

01:18:53Then suddenly I find myself getting pissed,

01:18:55which I don't want to get, but I don't think I have any choice

01:18:57in the matter.

01:18:59Yeah, Diane, it would have been nice.

01:19:01A lot of things would have been nice.

01:19:03Would have been nice if she didn't have to live with a bunch of whores,

01:19:05but that didn't pan out either.

01:19:07We don't always get what we want in life, though, do we?

01:19:09So, you know what?

01:19:11I stand and walk over to her.

01:19:13She takes a step back.

01:19:15How about this? How about I run to a bank and get you, what,

01:19:17like 50 grand? 100?

01:19:19However much you want.

01:19:21You'll have a great day and never have to worry about it again.

01:19:23All your problems will be solved.

01:19:25Everything in your life will be squared away.

01:19:27You'll never have to worry about shit again.

01:19:29You hear that? You'll never have to worry about anything

01:19:31ever again. Not Mookie.

01:19:33He's a rich man. He's a rich fucking man.

01:19:35He's a real Rockefeller.

01:19:39Without thinking, I've been walking her backwards.

01:19:41She's flat against the hallway wall now,

01:19:43cowering down a bit.

01:19:45The tree acting as a protective shield

01:19:47between the two of us.

01:19:49What?

01:19:51She stammers out.

01:19:53I don't understand. What is that? What are you saying?

01:19:57I leave my body for a second and see what this looks like

01:19:59from the outside.

01:20:01A massive, angry dude

01:20:03towering over a scared woman

01:20:05who will clearly be spending Christmas

01:20:07in this small house in Vegas and who didn't do anything

01:20:09wrong and who's just worried about paying her bills.

01:20:13And I don't feel massive anymore at all.

01:20:15I feel like the smallest person

01:20:17in the world.

01:20:19And I am disappointed in myself

01:20:21for channeling my anger at Carlos and Logan

01:20:23and fucking everybody else involved

01:20:25in the shit show I find myself in

01:20:27at poor Diane,

01:20:29who I'm still not so sure

01:20:31isn't actually Caroline, but whatever.

01:20:33Sorry, I say.

01:20:35I'm sorry.

01:20:37It's from Do The Right Thing.

01:20:39What?

01:20:41She asks, still scared.

01:20:43The quote, the Mookie stuff?

01:20:45It's from Do The Right Thing.

01:20:47The movie?

01:20:49She asks, now scared

01:20:51and confused.

01:20:53Yeah, yeah, the Spike Lee joint, I say.

01:20:55Sometimes I quote movies

01:20:57when I'm...

01:20:59Fuck.

01:21:01I'm sorry.

01:21:03I'm just having a bad fucking day, not your fault.

01:21:05I apologize.

01:21:07She nods a little.

01:21:09Is there anything I can do?

01:21:11She asks.

01:21:13She means it.

01:21:15Shit.

01:21:17And now I feel even worse.

01:21:19No, no, you're great.

01:21:21I'm the asshole.

01:21:23I'm in your house.

01:21:25You know what, let me get out of here and...

01:21:27Shit, I'm sorry.

01:21:29I duck back into the bedroom

01:21:31to grab my duffel bag and the letter

01:21:33and turn to make my way past her.

01:21:35She steps back, still clearly afraid.

01:21:37I really am sorry, I say.

01:21:39Listen, I wasn't kidding.

01:21:41If Maddie...

01:21:43doesn't come back for any reason,

01:21:45I take a long pause

01:21:47to keep from going all misty on this kid.

01:21:49The last thing she needs

01:21:51is to take care of my trifling ass.

01:21:53Then I continue.

01:21:55I got you, okay?

01:21:57I'll make sure you guys are both covered,

01:21:59promise.

01:22:01She nods quickly and slightly.

01:22:03I'm just...

01:22:05sad...

01:22:07that she's gone.

01:22:09You know,

01:22:11a dick.

01:22:13So I apologize again.

01:22:15It's not you, okay?

01:22:17You guys have been good friends to Maddie,

01:22:19from what I can tell.

01:22:21You were better friends to her than I was for a long time,

01:22:23and I...

01:22:25you know, I appreciate it.

01:22:27She takes a breath

01:22:29and nods a bit more fully.

01:22:31I give her a half-smile

01:22:33and turn to leave.

01:22:35I'm almost at the front door when she stops me.

01:22:37Tyler? She asks.

01:22:39I turn.

01:22:41Yeah?

01:22:43Is she really visiting her parents?

01:22:45It's an odd thing

01:22:47for her to ask.

01:22:49But then it strikes me that maybe it's not.

01:22:51God knows

01:22:53what this girl has been through herself,

01:22:55what she's seen, what she understands.

01:22:57I don't know her.

01:22:59I don't know anything about her

01:23:01except that she's a girl who went to college

01:23:03with Maddie and now she's a prostitute.

01:23:05And I can make lots of assumptions

01:23:07about her based on that limited knowledge,

01:23:09but is that fair?

01:23:11And I had this sudden urge

01:23:13to ask her lots of things about herself,

01:23:15connect with her somehow, open myself up

01:23:17and get to know her and let her know me

01:23:19and tell her what's happening with Maddie

01:23:21even though I was told not to,

01:23:23and bring her on the inside, because who knows?

01:23:25Maybe there's some unknown,

01:23:27unseen, impossible-to-foretell way

01:23:29that she could help this situation.

01:23:31Maybe she's been here,

01:23:33hanging in the background all this time,

01:23:35but she's actually the one person

01:23:37who could fix all of our problems.

01:23:39Is that possible?

01:23:41Is that crazy?

01:23:43Is it just that when shit gets really, really bad

01:23:45and we feel adrift, we look for any possible

01:23:47hidden shoreline to cling to?

01:23:49Or is it just that Maddie

01:23:51is alone right now?

01:23:53Maddie is in God knows what kind of situation

01:23:55as we speak.

01:23:57And my imagination is about to start racing

01:23:59toward places that I don't want to let it.

01:24:01Tyler?

01:24:03She interrupts my thoughts.

01:24:05Yeah, sorry, what?

01:24:09Is Maddie really visiting her parents?

01:24:13I stare at her for another second

01:24:15before saying,

01:24:17Merry Christmas, Diane,

01:24:19and turn

01:24:21and walk out the door.

01:24:25I keep looking at my wrist, but I don't have my watch.

01:24:27It won't be night for hours,

01:24:29so I won't have a chance to even know what's going on.

01:24:31But if I don't do something with myself,

01:24:33I'm going to crawl out of my skin.

01:24:35Totally by accident,

01:24:37I drive by Pete's,

01:24:39or what used to be Pete's.

01:24:41They've started to do the cleanup.

01:24:43There are a couple of dump trucks

01:24:45filled with the detritus,

01:24:47and it dawns on me that Pete is probably in one of them.

01:24:49Pete and Carolina,

01:24:51mixed and mingled

01:24:53and together forever.

01:24:55Flesh into fire,

01:24:57into ash,

01:24:59into eternity.

01:25:01Maybe some of their shared ashes

01:25:03will get blown into the wind

01:25:05and carried someplace nice.

01:25:07Someplace exotic.

01:25:09Fiji.

01:25:11Bora Bora.

01:25:13Maybe they'll settle into the earth

01:25:15and become part of the soil there.

01:25:17Maybe a tree will grow

01:25:19from the place where they land,

01:25:21and maybe that tree will produce coconuts

01:25:23or some shit,

01:25:25and maybe one of the coconuts or bananas or whatever

01:25:27will then feed and nourish a kid

01:25:29who will eventually grow up to become a doctor

01:25:31who cures cancer.

01:25:33Maybe.

01:25:37I don't know if I believe in reincarnation,

01:25:39but if we never cease to be,

01:25:41and our energy, our life force,

01:25:43just goes on and on and on,

01:25:45then that means

01:25:47that everyone who has ever lived

01:25:49is in us,

01:25:51and we are part of everyone else,

01:25:53and all of us are coconuts,

01:25:55and all of us have the power to cure cancer.

01:25:57And all of us are strippers.

01:25:59And all of us are sitting

01:26:01outside of Raven's house right now

01:26:03without being completely sure how we got here.

01:26:05What?

01:26:07Did I drive here?

01:26:09I must have. Fuck!

01:26:11Wasn't I just outside Pete's?

01:26:13Did I lose time?

01:26:15Like I was doing a little while ago?

01:26:17Like I was a few... weeks ago?

01:26:19Or was it months? Or... shit!

01:26:21Losing time

01:26:23is something I really thought I was done with now.

01:26:25I wish my watch

01:26:27was here.

01:26:29Regardless, I'm sitting in front of Raven's house.

01:26:31I should go ring the bell,

01:26:33I suppose.

01:26:35She looks like she's home. There's a car in the driveway.

01:26:37What am I going to say if I ring the bell and she answers?

01:26:39I decide

01:26:41to find out.

01:26:43The cathedral chime finishes ding-donging

01:26:45and no one comes to the door.

01:26:47I don't know whether I should be one of those assholes

01:26:49who peeks through windows and wanders around

01:26:51outside someone's house looking to see if they're inside.

01:26:53Or if I should be one of those assholes

01:26:55who rings a doorbell repeatedly even though it's a loud doorbell

01:26:57and if someone was inside

01:26:59they clearly would have heard it.

01:27:01At the end of the day, I decide to just be the asshole

01:27:03I am naturally and go.

01:27:05I turn to leave

01:27:07but only make it two steps down the walkway

01:27:09when the door opens behind me.

01:27:11I swear to God if you fucking carolers...

01:27:13Raven is standing there

01:27:15in a short kimono thing, not dissimilar

01:27:17to the one she was wearing the night she came out to talk to me

01:27:19in the parking lot of Pete's.

01:27:21It may, in fact, be the same one.

01:27:23Tyler?

01:27:25She says. Where's Maddie?

01:27:27Something about that makes me

01:27:29very happy.

01:27:31No, not something. Everything.

01:27:33Because it implies that Maddie should

01:27:35be with me. It implies that

01:27:37Maddie and I are a package deal.

01:27:39And it also probably implies

01:27:41what the fuck are you, a dude

01:27:43I don't really know, doing in my house

01:27:45without your lady friend?

01:27:47Which you gotta respect.

01:27:49She's... I start.

01:27:51She had to leave town for a couple days.

01:27:53Yeah?

01:27:55Asks Raven, pulling her kimono

01:27:57tighter around her.

01:27:59Kay? What do you need?

01:28:01I...

01:28:03Dunno. I admit.

01:28:05Honestly, I didn't even

01:28:07really know I was coming here. Just sort of happened.

01:28:09She squints at me

01:28:11and nods her head.

01:28:13Kay? So now that you're here,

01:28:15what's up?

01:28:17Nothing, I tell her.

01:28:19Seriously, nothing. I'm just

01:28:21bored or something

01:28:23and thought.

01:28:25And that's when I see a figure moving behind her

01:28:27in the open doorway.

01:28:29Oh shit, I'm sorry, I say.

01:28:31I didn't know you were...

01:28:33I'll get going.

01:28:35And once again, I turn to start off down the

01:28:37walkway and once again I'm stopped

01:28:39by someone calling out my name.

01:28:41Tyler?

01:28:43And when I turn around, I see...

01:28:45Brandon.

01:28:47Uh...

01:28:49Hey, dude.

01:28:51I sort of stutter out.

01:28:53You good? He asks.

01:28:55What are you doing here?

01:28:57Questions and

01:28:59information collide in my brain.

01:29:01Unless Brandon has been

01:29:03talking to the other guys at the station, and I know that isn't

01:29:05happening. He doesn't actually know about Maddy and the

01:29:07DEA. And also, why isn't Brandon

01:29:09wearing a shirt? And also, what the fuck is happening

01:29:11right now?

01:29:13That question makes its way out of my mouth in the form

01:29:15of, I didn't know you

01:29:17guys, uh...

01:29:19knew each other.

01:29:21Raven answers.

01:29:23We met the night you guys came to the club the first time.

01:29:25You remember. It was the night Maddy

01:29:27sucked your cock.

01:29:29That's so Raven.

01:29:31Oh.

01:29:33I say as nonchalantly

01:29:35as I can.

01:29:37Yeah, well, we exchanged numbers

01:29:39then, she says matter-of-factly.

01:29:41You did?

01:29:43I'm shocked for like three reasons.

01:29:45Yeah, she says.

01:29:47But Shy Boy here didn't do shit with it

01:29:49until I showed up the morning of the fire.

01:29:51I look at Brandon, who shrugs.

01:29:53Raven continues with,

01:29:55I was surprised to see him. I didn't know he was a firefighter,

01:29:57but what do you know? He is. And then yada, yada,

01:29:59yada, and now we're...

01:30:01friends.

01:30:03I look at Brandon again, and he shrugs again.

01:30:05Nobody

01:30:07knows anybody. Not really.

01:30:09That's what he said to me

01:30:11in the park.

01:30:13Well, that's clearly true as it turns out.

01:30:15So what do you need?

01:30:17She asks. You seriously just

01:30:19bored? What do you want? Coming and

01:30:21play Parcheesi or some shit?

01:30:23No, no, I tell her. No,

01:30:25I'm good. I'll amuse myself some other way.

01:30:27Yeah? Because we've got the board all set

01:30:29up.

01:30:31I really, really like Raven.

01:30:33And a huge part of me does

01:30:35want to come in and be a massive imposition,

01:30:37but not really.

01:30:39And I don't even want to begin to try and imagine

01:30:41what exactly I'm interrupting, because

01:30:43I have a wee bit of a glimpse into Brandon finally.

01:30:45But I know I'm still a long

01:30:47way from getting the whole story,

01:30:49and I don't want to jump straight to whatever kind

01:30:51of freaky sex he and a ball buster like

01:30:53Raven might be having.

01:30:55No. Thanks, I'm good.

01:30:57I'm just making the rounds,

01:30:59as it were.

01:31:01And suddenly I'm overtaken with the urge to

01:31:03smile huge.

01:31:05And so I do.

01:31:07Fuck are you grinning at, shit-eater?

01:31:09She snaps. I shake my

01:31:11head. Nothing.

01:31:13You guys have a good

01:31:15Christmas. Okay!

01:31:17She says sarcastically.

01:31:19You too!

01:31:21And as she turns to head back inside,

01:31:23leaving Brandon there looking at me,

01:31:25he gives me a small half-wave

01:31:27half-salute, and for a second

01:31:29I can almost swear the

01:31:31hint of a smile creeps onto his lips

01:31:33before he shuts the door.

01:31:35I laugh to myself all the

01:31:37way back to the car.

01:31:39Until I sit in the driver's seat, close the

01:31:41door, and glance up to see the setting sun.

01:31:43The day is

01:31:45almost over.

01:31:47And from here on out, the only thing I'm going to be able

01:31:49to think about until I get word that she's okay

01:31:51is what might be

01:31:53happening at every second

01:31:55to Maddie.

01:32:01Chapter Fourteen

01:32:03Maddie

01:32:05I'm

01:32:07disappointed in Carlos.

01:32:09Not for all the usual reasons, like

01:32:11he's a drug lord, or he's crazy, or

01:32:13he's lying about the money I don't owe him.

01:32:15It's because he's actually

01:32:17kind of good-looking

01:32:19in his swim trunks.

01:32:21Like either Carlos had some

01:32:23surgery and works out daily with a

01:32:25personal trainer, or he's just

01:32:27one of those men who naturally gets better with age.

01:32:29Not that I've seen pictures

01:32:31of him young or anything, but...

01:32:33Jesus Christ,

01:32:35I can't believe I'm having this internal monologue.

01:32:37Just say it,

01:32:39Devil says. He's kinda

01:32:41hot for an old guy.

01:32:43Angel pops up on my shoulder, making

01:32:45gagging noises.

01:32:47I brush them both away by waving my hands,

01:32:49which makes Carlos look over

01:32:51at me and smile.

01:32:53He's talking on the phone on the other side of the pool.

01:32:55There's a little waterfall

01:32:57dumping cold water into the hot tub

01:32:59just a few feet away from me,

01:33:01so I can't hear anything.

01:33:03Which is dumb, because the whole point

01:33:05of pool day with the drug lord is

01:33:07to hear shit. But I just sorta

01:33:09got him to trust me a little, and

01:33:11if I ease into his private shit too soon,

01:33:13he's gonna figure out he's getting

01:33:15played. Ricky was right.

01:33:17Carlos is one paranoid

01:33:19motherfucker.

01:33:21He's always looking at the sky like bombs

01:33:23are about to rain down on us.

01:33:25So even though I think I did a

01:33:27kickass job at convincing him I'm just

01:33:29another money-grubbing bitch out to use

01:33:31him for his money and power,

01:33:33he's not really buying it.

01:33:35He's naturally suspicious,

01:33:37and there's a part of him that just knows

01:33:39this is all wrong.

01:33:41I sold him a chance, that's all.

01:33:43A few days at most to feel each other out.

01:33:45I've already resigned myself

01:33:47to the fact that I'll be spending Christmas here,

01:33:49which totally sucks, because it would've

01:33:51been nice to have Christmas with someone I love

01:33:53for the first time in years.

01:33:55With Tyler,

01:33:57Angel says.

01:33:59Yeah, with Tyler.

01:34:01I sigh, closing my eyes

01:34:03to stare up at the hot Mexican sun.

01:34:05But Christmas Eve

01:34:07is tomorrow, and there's no fucking way

01:34:09in hell he's gonna trust me enough to get

01:34:11what I need by tomorrow.

01:34:13The brightness shining down through my

01:34:15closed eyes dims from a shadow

01:34:17standing over me.

01:34:19I open them to find Carlos, no longer

01:34:21on the phone, standing directly

01:34:23in my rays, holding out his hand.

01:34:25Swim with me, Madison.

01:34:27It's fucking

01:34:29hot as hell out today.

01:34:31I mean, I know this is Mexico and all,

01:34:33but it's like almost 100 degrees,

01:34:35and sweat is pooling behind my back

01:34:37and under my legs, so a swim

01:34:39would be refreshing.

01:34:41It's just, getting wet

01:34:43and then getting out and then having him

01:34:45look at me.

01:34:47No, I'm good, I say.

01:34:49Carlos snaps his fingers.

01:34:51Not at me, but some servant

01:34:53standing off to his left wearing full-on

01:34:55servant attire. Dark pants,

01:34:57white button-down shirt,

01:34:59Christmas tartan tie, and

01:35:01holiday festive sport coat.

01:35:03He must be dying in that uniform.

01:35:05Miguel,

01:35:07Carlos says.

01:35:09Prepara el badminton.

01:35:11I start to object because

01:35:13playing aquatic badminton

01:35:15with a drug lord is ridiculous.

01:35:17But so is everything about all of this.

01:35:19And Miguel snaps his

01:35:21fingers at some other servants, and

01:35:23they're already jumping into the pool,

01:35:25fully clothed, in the same uniform

01:35:27as Miguel, dragging a net

01:35:29across the center.

01:35:31I really do want to get in the pool to cool

01:35:33off. Well, I'd much

01:35:35rather go inside and sit in the A.C.,

01:35:37but somehow I've convinced myself that it's

01:35:39less likely he'll want to fuck me outside.

01:35:41Dumb reasoning, I know.

01:35:43But I hold on to it anyway.

01:35:45I convinced him that he should be

01:35:47patient with me, win me.

01:35:49And he agreed. But even though

01:35:51I don't know Carlos that well, I know

01:35:53him well enough to understand rules are

01:35:55made and broken on his whims.

01:35:57So what if he agreed

01:35:59a few hours ago? That means nothing

01:36:01right now. And then

01:36:03the net is up. Carlos is

01:36:05walking down the stairs into the water,

01:36:07holding a badminton racket, and

01:36:09a servant is standing over me,

01:36:11sopping wet because he was one of the

01:36:13ones who had to jump in the pool,

01:36:15handing me a racket too.

01:36:17I unstick myself from

01:36:19the lounge chair, stand up,

01:36:21take the racket, and walk into the pool

01:36:23after Carlos.

01:36:25It feels wonderful. The water isn't

01:36:27hot, but it's not cold either.

01:36:29It's just cool enough to be refreshing.

01:36:31And I'm not gonna lie,

01:36:33this, in combination with washing

01:36:35the sweat off me, improves my

01:36:37mood immediately.

01:36:39He's already on the other side of the net,

01:36:41in the deep end, which means

01:36:43he has to swim and swing his

01:36:45racket at the same time.

01:36:47I wonder if I'm allowed to beat

01:36:49him. Is there some

01:36:51unwritten rule that says Carlos always

01:36:53gets to win?

01:36:55Turns out I don't have to worry about that.

01:36:57Carlos serves the little

01:36:59shuttle at me, and I miss,

01:37:01falling sideways into the water as

01:37:03I swing. And when I say,

01:37:05your point, he

01:37:07replies,

01:37:09this isn't a competition,

01:37:11so we don't keep score.

01:37:13So we just play,

01:37:15casually batting the little

01:37:17shuttle back and forth.

01:37:19He misses, I miss, he laughs,

01:37:21I try not to laugh.

01:37:23And it's not even terrible,

01:37:25which makes me feel super guilty,

01:37:27because Tyler is probably at home worrying

01:37:29about me, pacing the floor

01:37:31or something, having one of those

01:37:33rambling conversations with himself,

01:37:35trying to remember why he let me

01:37:37do this in the first place.

01:37:39And I'm here in Mexico,

01:37:41on a drug lord's compound that is

01:37:43a little too much like a resort,

01:37:45playing in the pool with him,

01:37:47almost enjoying myself.

01:37:49You're a terrible person,

01:37:51Devil says, but I realize

01:37:53that's not the devil,

01:37:55it's me saying that to myself.

01:37:57What are you thinking

01:37:59so hard about medicine?

01:38:01I throw the shuttle up in the air,

01:38:03bat it with my racket, and serve it over

01:38:05the net. He hits it back,

01:38:07and I have to scramble to keep the volley

01:38:09going, pretty much falling over sideways

01:38:11again, but manage to hit it

01:38:13back to him. Before I'm

01:38:15even fully upright, it's coming back

01:38:17at me, and I miss.

01:38:19I'm thinking about how much I

01:38:21suck at badminton, I say,

01:38:23pushing wet hair out of my eyes.

01:38:25Carlos smiles,

01:38:27you'll get better at it, don't worry.

01:38:29I'll get better at it,

01:38:31because I'm gonna be here forever,

01:38:33so what choice do I have?

01:38:35What else will I get better at?

01:38:37Croquet? Golf?

01:38:39You look bored, Carlos

01:38:41says. Are you hungry?

01:38:43I'm fucking starving,

01:38:45but I know this means we're going to have

01:38:47dinner together soon, and then that

01:38:49means the day is over, and it's gonna be night.

01:38:51And even though he

01:38:53tentatively agreed to my let's be

01:38:55patient with each other plan,

01:38:57I'm not convinced he was serious,

01:38:59so I'm all stressed out about

01:39:01that. Come on, he

01:39:03says, swimming towards the net.

01:39:05Let's change and have a nice dinner.

01:39:07He ducks under the water

01:39:09and resurfaces a few seconds later

01:39:11right in front of me, standing

01:39:13up to his full height,

01:39:15water dripping down him as he gazes

01:39:17into my eyes.

01:39:19Oh God, he's gonna do it.

01:39:21He's gonna kiss me.

01:39:23Both his hands land on my shoulders.

01:39:25I look away, over

01:39:27at the two servants who hooked up the net.

01:39:29They're still dripping wet

01:39:31from jumping in the pool, but I bet they're

01:39:33baking in the late afternoon sun.

01:39:35Carlos tucks a stray

01:39:37strand of hair behind my ear, and I wince.

01:39:39You're never

01:39:41going to like me, are you, Madison?

01:39:43Shit.

01:39:45I swallow hard and force

01:39:47myself to look him in the eyes.

01:39:49Depends, I say.

01:39:51On what?

01:39:53I shrug. If we become partners?

01:39:55Partners?

01:39:57He laughs. Is that funny

01:39:59because I'm a woman? I'm a stranger?

01:40:01Or both?

01:40:03Both, he says.

01:40:05You're not here for me, Madison.

01:40:07You're here for you, remember?

01:40:09I just said it a few hours ago.

01:40:11Of course I remember.

01:40:13It comes out a little testy,

01:40:15but I'm feeling very nervous right now.

01:40:17I want nothing more than to call up

01:40:19Tyler on that sat phone and hear his voice.

01:40:21He'd probably say something like,

01:40:23Fuck this shit.

01:40:25I'm on my way to pull you out of there.

01:40:27Be there soon.

01:40:29And even though I want to take this asshole down,

01:40:31I really do.

01:40:33I'd be so happy if that's what happens next.

01:40:35That's not

01:40:37what happens next.

01:40:39Carlos drops his racket in the pool

01:40:41as he leans in, both hands

01:40:43on my shoulders as his mouth

01:40:45makes its way to my neck.

01:40:47I'm panicking,

01:40:49like my heart starts thumping wildly

01:40:51inside my chest.

01:40:53My jaw tightens.

01:40:55I move back just a step,

01:40:57but his grip on my shoulders tightens,

01:40:59telling me in no uncertain terms

01:41:01that's not an option.

01:41:03Madison,

01:41:05he coos into my ear.

01:41:07You're driving me crazy.

01:41:09And you're teasing me now,

01:41:11wearing that suit,

01:41:13jumping in the water,

01:41:15your fire-red hair catching the afternoon sun,

01:41:17your beautiful skin exposed,

01:41:19and your nipples

01:41:21peeked up from the water

01:41:23so the only thing I can think about

01:41:25is getting you naked.

01:41:27Shit.

01:41:29This is not going how I planned.

01:41:31At all.

01:41:33I will be patient,

01:41:35but you need to keep me satisfied in the meantime.

01:41:37I'm a man used to getting what he wants,

01:41:39and I want you.

01:41:41He begins kissing my neck.

01:41:43Think, Maddy.

01:41:45Think, think, think.

01:41:47What did Emily give you that gets you out of this shit show?

01:41:49Yeah,

01:41:51Devil says.

01:41:53You need a serious plan B, like right now,

01:41:55because if you don't give him a good reason to stop,

01:41:57you're going to be sucking his cock underwater

01:41:59in about five seconds.

01:42:01You knew that Scotty died in a fire, right?

01:42:03I blurt,

01:42:05both hands flat on his chest,

01:42:07desperate to create some distance.

01:42:09What?

01:42:11I'm insulting his kisses.

01:42:13My brother, Scotty.

01:42:15I say, taking a step back.

01:42:17This time his grip on my shoulders loosens

01:42:19instead of tightening.

01:42:21When you threatened me on Halloween,

01:42:23you said it'd be terrible

01:42:25if my parents lost another child.

01:42:27You clearly knew I had a brother who died.

01:42:29You must have known how it happened.

01:42:31I chance a look up at Carlos

01:42:33and find his face,

01:42:35brow furrowed, frowning.

01:42:37Did you?

01:42:39Carlos drops his hands to the water now.

01:42:41And that's all I could have hoped for.

01:42:43So I continue.

01:42:45Did you know how badly he got burned?

01:42:47And that he lived?

01:42:49I sigh.

01:42:51I mean, he survived.

01:42:53He was not ever going to live again.

01:42:55Not like that.

01:42:57And even though no one who wasn't there

01:42:59could really imagine what Scotty looked like

01:43:01in that hospital room,

01:43:03Carlos must have an idea.

01:43:05Because he says,

01:43:07I'm sorry.

01:43:09And then,

01:43:11I did not know the particulars.

01:43:13Yeah, I see.

01:43:15Well, now you do.

01:43:17And when I found out that Pete, you know,

01:43:19died in a fire,

01:43:21well, it hit me pretty hard.

01:43:23I didn't order that,

01:43:25Carlos says defensive.

01:43:27Logan was not supposed to kill Pete.

01:43:29I respected Pete

01:43:31for standing up to me once.

01:43:33We agreed a long time ago that backing away

01:43:35from each other was in both our best interests.

01:43:37And so that's what we did.

01:43:39Until you didn't,

01:43:41I say.

01:43:43If you gave Logan permission to burn down Pete's,

01:43:45then you did this, Carlos.

01:43:47You killed Pete, even if he wasn't supposed to be inside.

01:43:49It doesn't matter

01:43:51if Logan went off script or not,

01:43:53I say, shaking my head.

01:43:55Because that fire happened.

01:43:57And Pete was burned alive.

01:43:59And it was your man, your nephew,

01:44:01who did it.

01:44:03Yeah, I'm here.

01:44:05But when I said I kinda fuckin' hate you, Carlos,

01:44:07I meant it.

01:44:09I say that part softly,

01:44:11without malice,

01:44:13almost like I regret it.

01:44:15And one afternoon playing in the pool

01:44:17won't change that.

01:44:19So if you try and kiss me again,

01:44:21you might as well rape me too,

01:44:23because I do not give you permission to kiss me.

01:44:25And I can't fight you.

01:44:27I can't stop you.

01:44:29So I'll let it happen.

01:44:31If you do this,

01:44:33I will never love you, Carlos.

01:44:35Ever.

01:44:37I expect shouting,

01:44:39maybe a slap across the cheek,

01:44:41or a strong hand pushing my face into the water

01:44:43until I drown.

01:44:45But I get silence.

01:44:47And when I stare up at Carlos,

01:44:49I see sorrow.

01:44:51Maybe.

01:44:53He sighs, wades through the waist-high water

01:44:55around me and says,

01:44:57Get dressed for dinner, please.

01:44:59Over his shoulder as he makes his way out of the pool.

01:45:01We eat in an hour.

01:45:03When I turn to get out,

01:45:05I see Ricky standing next to a servant

01:45:07handing Carlos a towel

01:45:09as he enters the house.

01:45:11I want to catch his eye.

01:45:13I want him to send me some signal

01:45:15that things are going great,

01:45:17that he's got my back,

01:45:19that I won't be raped tonight when I go to bed,

01:45:21that Carlos Castillo won't kill me,

01:45:23that this is all going well.

01:45:25But he doesn't.

01:45:27He just turns his back to me

01:45:29and follows his boss inside.

01:45:33Back in my closet,

01:45:35I stand there looking at all the clothes

01:45:37and accessories.

01:45:39It's a custom-made closet,

01:45:41the kind with lots of shelving

01:45:43and special cabinets just for shoes

01:45:45and different levels of rods for hanging

01:45:47specific kinds of clothes.

01:45:49One corner is a jewelry cabinet.

01:45:51I mean, I thought it was for socks

01:45:53and underwear because the drawers are long

01:45:55and thin, but when I opened it,

01:45:57I found what probably amounts to

01:45:59half a million dollars in jewels inside.

01:46:01Those jewels represent

01:46:03the entire collection of

01:46:05dead Carlos Castillo girlfriends,

01:46:07Angel says.

01:46:09Stuff it into your luggage,

01:46:11Devil says, and take it with you

01:46:13when you leave.

01:46:15Which reminds me, the luggage I brought with me

01:46:17has appeared in my closet while I was at the pool.

01:46:19I checked to see if anyone

01:46:21had been rifling through it,

01:46:23but no, not that I can tell.

01:46:25All my stuff is still neatly

01:46:27folded, just the way I placed it

01:46:29last night, which is a relief

01:46:31since the satphone is hidden

01:46:33in a compartment beneath the snap-up

01:46:35handle in one side of the suitcase.

01:46:37I'm not sure if I'm here

01:46:39as a prisoner or not.

01:46:41I can't quite figure it out.

01:46:43Like, if I wanted to take

01:46:45a car and go into Mexicali to shop,

01:46:47would Carlos let me?

01:46:49Am I allowed to walk out to the

01:46:51gates that surround the breezeways

01:46:53and wander the property?

01:46:55Am I allowed to make phone calls?

01:46:57Like, could I call up Raven and just start

01:46:59shooting the shit with her?

01:47:01I'm so confused, because on the one hand

01:47:03I came here of my own free will,

01:47:05but on the other hand,

01:47:07Carlos made it pretty clear I had no choice,

01:47:09so... what am I?

01:47:11Even if Carlos did

01:47:13find the satphone, would that be

01:47:15so suspicious?

01:47:17Are you fucking kidding me? Devil says.

01:47:19Good. I think that's a real question.

01:47:21People don't have satphones.

01:47:23That one you're carrying

01:47:25costs almost three grand.

01:47:27Jesus. He's right.

01:47:29Maybe I would've been better off

01:47:31with just my regular phone?

01:47:33No service down here. Devil says.

01:47:35You're in Mexico.

01:47:37You better step up your game, Scarlet.

01:47:39Maybe you forgot that playtime in the pool

01:47:41was a ruse to stop Carlos

01:47:43from raping you.

01:47:45I wave him away with a hand.

01:47:47I didn't forget, asshole.

01:47:49I have an urge to call Tyler,

01:47:51but I can't shake the feeling that Carlos

01:47:53has cameras in here.

01:47:55I don't see any, but isn't that

01:47:57the point of hidden cameras?

01:47:59And Ricky was paranoid of microphones in the car.

01:48:01So I'm pretty sure

01:48:03he's watching me, listening at the very least.

01:48:05I can't call Tyler,

01:48:07not until I figure out

01:48:09how safe I am.

01:48:11I turn back to the closet and try

01:48:13and choose something to wear for dinner.

01:48:15I'm pretty hungry.

01:48:17My stomach is growling because I didn't eat anything

01:48:19this morning before I left.

01:48:21Too nervous about, you know,

01:48:23giving myself to a drug lord

01:48:25instead of paying him money I never owed him?

01:48:27The dresses are all summery,

01:48:29which makes sense since this is Mexico

01:48:31and it's hot as fucking hell

01:48:33out right now.

01:48:35Vegas is nice in December.

01:48:37Mild and sunny.

01:48:39And I know we're several hundred miles south of Vegas,

01:48:41but we might be breaking

01:48:43summer high temperatures right now.

01:48:45So, I end up

01:48:47in an ugly ruffly thing

01:48:49with a large print flower pattern on it

01:48:51because it goes all the way

01:48:53to the floor and hides my shoulders.

01:48:55The swimsuit was a risk,

01:48:57and I almost didn't make it out of that

01:48:59situation in the pool.

01:49:01So from now on, it's all about covering up.

01:49:03I don't bother with makeup

01:49:05or jewelry. Just put my hair

01:49:07up in a ponytail and call it good.

01:49:09Outside my bedroom,

01:49:11which does seem to belong to me

01:49:13and isn't something Carlos and I

01:49:15will share, thank God,

01:49:17I can smell dinner, and my stomach

01:49:19starts making demands.

01:49:21Eat first, Matty.

01:49:23That way, if things go wrong,

01:49:25you'll at least be nourished.

01:49:27I make my way down a hallway.

01:49:29There's men standing guard,

01:49:31maybe posted like sentries?

01:49:33I'm not sure.

01:49:35All I know is that they ignore me

01:49:37as I pass by and try to find the dining room.

01:49:39The home is

01:49:41traditional, meaning all the rooms

01:49:43are separated by doors and hallways.

01:49:45And I suppose that's good

01:49:47if anyone ever came in here looking for Carlos.

01:49:49Lots of places to hide.

01:49:51I stop,

01:49:53leaning forward a little to listen to soft

01:49:55voices up ahead.

01:49:57Logan, that asshole,

01:49:59and Carlos. They're talking.

01:50:01No, arguing,

01:50:03but not loudly.

01:50:05She's playing you, Uncle,

01:50:07Logan says in Spanish.

01:50:09I think she's acclimating

01:50:11nicely, Carlos replies.

01:50:13Exactly,

01:50:15Logan says. And you don't

01:50:17find that suspicious?

01:50:19Last month, when you invited her to stay

01:50:21instead of paying off her debt,

01:50:23she would rather die. She's in love with

01:50:25that Tyler guy, I told you that.

01:50:27Why is she here when she loves him?

01:50:29It's Pete all over again.

01:50:31What the fuck

01:50:33does that mean? And this

01:50:35fucking Logan asshole is going to ruin

01:50:37everything. He needs to just shut up.

01:50:39Pete

01:50:41didn't take Carolina from me,

01:50:43Carlos says.

01:50:45I let her go. You know as well as

01:50:47anyone that no one lives if I

01:50:49decide it's time for them to die.

01:50:51That's what I'm telling you,

01:50:53Logan says. So why

01:50:55are you letting this Tyler asshole

01:50:57live? Even if Madison

01:50:59is here for the money and the power like

01:51:01she told you, why not just

01:51:03kill that guy and erase any temptation

01:51:05for another repeat of Carolina

01:51:07and Pete?

01:51:09Several seconds of silence hang in the air.

01:51:11I wonder if Carlos

01:51:13is glaring at Logan.

01:51:15Or maybe he's got a hand wrapped around his throat.

01:51:17I can only hope.

01:51:19There will be no

01:51:21repeat, Carlos finally

01:51:23says. Just then, a thug

01:51:25comes around the corner and sees me.

01:51:27¿Qué estás haciendo?

01:51:29He asks, pulling out a gun

01:51:31and pointing it at my head.

01:51:33¿What? I say, feigning

01:51:35ignorance. ¿Madison?

01:51:37Carlos calls out from the other room.

01:51:39¿Is that you?

01:51:41It's me, I say brightly,

01:51:43coming for dinner as requested.

01:51:45Call off your dog, he looks trigger happy.

01:51:47Carlos appears in the

01:51:49hallway, barking our orders to the

01:51:51thug, who holsters his weapon

01:51:53and walks away.

01:51:55You look lovely, he says,

01:51:57taking my hand, bowing his head

01:51:59to kiss it. It takes every

01:52:01ounce of self-control not to shudder

01:52:03with revulsion at that move.

01:52:05I have to dip into my special

01:52:07reserves to manage a smile when he

01:52:09rights himself and stares into my eyes.

01:52:11Thank you, I say.

01:52:13I'm starving, and I

01:52:15smell dinner. ¿Is it time to eat?

01:52:17Carlos just beams

01:52:19at me, like a lovesick teenager,

01:52:21which is kinda sad,

01:52:23but mostly creepy.

01:52:25Yes, we've been waiting for you.

01:52:27We, I ask

01:52:29as he leads me around the corner.

01:52:31Oh, I say pretending

01:52:33that I didn't realize Logan was with him.

01:52:35Your nephew is here.

01:52:37How nice.

01:52:39And then I smile because the devil in me has

01:52:41something to say.

01:52:43I guess you might be my nephew one day

01:52:45too, huh, Logan? How funny

01:52:47would that be? Will you call me

01:52:49Auntie Madison?

01:52:51He looks like he wants to rip my face off,

01:52:53but he can't, because his uncle

01:52:55laughs clearly pleased with my

01:52:57devil side and says,

01:52:59Are you asking to be my wife, Madison?

01:53:01It was a joke,

01:53:03you dumbass. Meant to piss your low-life

01:53:05nephew off.

01:53:07But of course I don't say that.

01:53:09I just smile and sit down in the chair

01:53:11Carlos is holding out for me.

01:53:13See, Angel says,

01:53:15that's what you get for listening to

01:53:17the devil. We were just talking

01:53:19about you, Logan says.

01:53:21Really, I ask

01:53:23unfolding my napkin and placing it in my

01:53:25lap. I couldn't tell.

01:53:27How long were you hiding in the hallway?

01:53:29Logan snaps.

01:53:31Did you get any useful information about my uncle's

01:53:33business? That is why

01:53:35you're here, right? What?

01:53:37I ask. My heart is beating

01:53:39fast. They didn't even get

01:53:41to the useful information part.

01:53:43They were talking about me.

01:53:45But I can see from the look on Carlos's

01:53:47face that the idea of me eavesdropping

01:53:49on his private conversations is

01:53:51upsetting.

01:53:53Play it cool, Angel says.

01:53:55Don't set him off.

01:53:57Fuck that, Devil chimes in.

01:53:59Hit that Logan motherfucker back,

01:54:01pronto, and take him out.

01:54:03Carlos likes you. He wants to trust you.

01:54:05And hitting back is standard

01:54:07protocol. It's part of your charm.

01:54:09He's right. I can't

01:54:11afford to be weak. Fucking devil.

01:54:13I smile at Carlos.

01:54:15He doesn't

01:54:17quite smile back.

01:54:19Yeah, I'm losing him.

01:54:21And I almost had him before

01:54:23stupid Logan showed up.

01:54:25Pete's funeral

01:54:27was last week, I say,

01:54:29just as the servers enter the dining

01:54:31room and start delivering plates of food.

01:54:33So fuckin' what?

01:54:35Logan says.

01:54:37But I'm not looking at him. I'm looking at

01:54:39Carlos, who is looking at me.

01:54:41So I continue.

01:54:43And everyone was telling a story

01:54:45about him at his wake. You know,

01:54:47like, a fond memory or something.

01:54:49And I didn't really know

01:54:51Pete so well. I'd only been there a little

01:54:53while, so I didn't tell one.

01:54:55But I should've told this one.

01:54:57Do you want to hear it?

01:54:59No. Logan growls,

01:55:01stabbing at his food with his fork.

01:55:03Carlos doesn't say anything,

01:55:05just puts his silverware

01:55:07down and leans back.

01:55:09I take that as my cue to keep talking.

01:55:11It's too bad Carlos is

01:55:13a psychotic drug lord,

01:55:15because he's actually quite good at boyfriending.

01:55:17All the manners, the patience,

01:55:19the closet filled with clothes and jewelry.

01:55:21And now he's a listener, too.

01:55:23Yeah, what a

01:55:25complete waste of relationship skills.

01:55:27Well, like I said,

01:55:29I didn't know Pete that well,

01:55:31but I figured a few things out about him.

01:55:33Yeah, that he's a

01:55:35piece of shit. Shut up!

01:55:37Carlos barks at Logan.

01:55:39And let her speak.

01:55:41I offer Carlos a smile of gratitude

01:55:43and avoid looking at Logan.

01:55:45I learned that he cares about us.

01:55:47You know, us girls,

01:55:49the strippers. Not in a creepy

01:55:51way either, but like a fatherly

01:55:53way, I guess. Someone

01:55:55who just looks out for others who can't

01:55:57look out for themselves.

01:55:59Logan grunts as he shovels some food

01:56:01into his mouth, but that's it.

01:56:03Apparently, one warning from his

01:56:05uncle is enough to shut him up.

01:56:07Which gives me the courage to continue.

01:56:09So, one day

01:56:11a guy comes into the bar, and he's

01:56:13threatening me, right?

01:56:15What? Carlos asks.

01:56:17What kind of threat?

01:56:19Apparently, I owe a drug lord money,

01:56:21and I was given a certain amount of time

01:56:23to pay it back.

01:56:25Carlos' face begins to turn red with anger.

01:56:27Logan stops eating,

01:56:29fork midway to his mouth.

01:56:31But this drug lord's thug

01:56:33came in before my time was up and told me

01:56:35I owed him half.

01:56:37Like, that day.

01:56:39I say, summoning up the proper amount

01:56:41of incredulousness.

01:56:43And I was kinda having a bad day, if you know what

01:56:45I mean. Shut up, Scarlet.

01:56:47Logan growls, his eyes

01:56:49blazing with anger.

01:56:51But Carlos backhands him right in the mouth

01:56:53with his ringed hand and says,

01:56:55Continue medicine.

01:56:57As Logan's split lip begins

01:56:59to bleed.

01:57:01And I was doing this little routine, right?

01:57:03Like, I was wearing this devil costume.

01:57:05That seems to kind of turn him

01:57:07on, but I ignore that and keep going.

01:57:09So I had a stage prop.

01:57:11A pitchfork, in fact. A real one.

01:57:13Made of steel and everything, so...

01:57:15I put my hands up

01:57:17like I'm surrendering and stare at Carlos.

01:57:19I just want you to know

01:57:21I have a hot temper, okay?

01:57:23And sometimes when people push me too

01:57:25far, I lose it.

01:57:27And I know that's not an excuse for kicking your nephew

01:57:29sorry punk ass, but

01:57:31you fucking bitch!

01:57:33Logan says, standing up and flipping his plate over.

01:57:35Carlos doesn't move

01:57:37this time. Doesn't have to.

01:57:39Because armed guards appear from

01:57:41nowhere and Logan takes a step back.

01:57:43Yes.

01:57:45Devil whispers in my ear. Keep going.

01:57:47But he pushed me,

01:57:49Carlos. He wanted half the money.

01:57:51And that was not part of our deal.

01:57:53So I...

01:57:55I kicked his ass with my pitchfork

01:57:57and basically just went a little crazy.

01:57:59I thought this was about beat.

01:58:01Carlos says.

01:58:03Calm. Cool.

01:58:05It is, I say.

01:58:07Because Pete pulled me off Logan.

01:58:09Saved his life, I think.

01:58:11Because I was done at that point.

01:58:13Done with him and his threats.

01:58:15Done with him showing up at my work to watch me

01:58:17strip and offer me money to show him my

01:58:19pussy.

01:58:21Yeah. Bingo.

01:58:23Carlos stands up and overturns his

01:58:25plate too.

01:58:27But then he just stands there, huffing air,

01:58:29glaring at his nephew.

01:58:31If he was a cartoon, steam would be

01:58:33coming out his ears.

01:58:35And I was gonna kill him.

01:58:37I continue. Because why the fuck

01:58:39not? The devil was right.

01:58:41Gotta be real or he'll see through

01:58:43me. So I have to

01:58:45apologize for that. And thank

01:58:47Pete for taking control of me.

01:58:49Otherwise he'd probably have killed me.

01:58:51Right? I mean, often

01:58:53your nephew would be bad. I get it.

01:58:55So I owe Pete my life,

01:58:57I guess.

01:58:59I guess.

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