3rd Rock from The Sun 2x13 - Proud Dick
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TVTranscript
00:00I made the front page of the Daily Bajoran again. What's it say? Physics professor calls Einstein idiot.
00:10Proclaims self much smarter. Something smells divine. It's me. I just know it's me.
00:22Look at those clouds. That one looks like me. So does that one. That one makes me look fat.
00:35That one looks like a poodle. A dark menacing poodle. It's whizzing lightning.
00:44We should go in. Harry, you coming? Yeah, just a sec. Don't be long.
00:52Hey, that cloud looks like a giant funnel with mobile homes stuck in it.
00:58Whoa, look! A flying cow!
01:08Whoa!
01:10No!
01:21Where am I? Who am I?
01:51Mary, you're here. I didn't see your car. I have a new parking space.
02:09Really? Where? There. Where? There.
02:14What's the matter? It's right there. In front of the building. I can almost smell your little pine tree.
02:21Yeah, it's a great space, isn't it? I don't understand. The university should have offered it to me first.
02:27I'm the star of the faculty. I'm the one whose brain everyone wants to dissect for science.
02:32Right, for science. I deserve it! I have tenure!
02:38Tenure? I suppose if someone sticks around a third-rate university long enough, they have to recognize her lack of drive somehow.
02:46Dick, you're overreacting. I'm not overreacting!
02:49Overreacting would be going straight to the president of the university and telling him exactly how I feel.
02:53Where are you going? Straight to the president of the university and telling him exactly how I feel.
02:57You're in the parking space. You're acting like a child.
03:08Sit down. Tell me what's on your mind.
03:10President Dewey, a great injustice has been committed.
03:13Oh, have I been indicted?
03:16Worse, I don't like my parking space.
03:18Yes, that is troublesome.
03:20I was thinking of something along the lines of G34.
03:23That's a good spot. I like that spot. And you're a good man. I like you. What's on your mind?
03:30The space.
03:31Oh, sorry. That's for tenured personnel only.
03:34Then I order you to give me an even closer spot.
03:36Dick, I'm going to do you a favor.
03:37You're giving me the space?
03:38No, I'm going to tell you a story.
03:40Can't you see I'm upset?
03:42You're right. I'm going to let you do whatever you think is right.
03:44Well, then I'm going to take the space.
03:47Sorry, no can do. Cigar?
03:50I'm warning you. Either you give me that space or I quit.
03:53Ah, I understand. What space are you in now?
03:55X17.
03:56Why?
03:57Because I'm getting after my secretary.
03:59Bye, Dick.
04:04All right. For starters, looks like the storm knocked off some shingles. You lose anything else?
04:09I don't know. Like what?
04:11I'll run down the list. Did you have any gutters?
04:13No.
04:14Screens?
04:15No.
04:16Antennas?
04:17No.
04:19Yes.
04:22Um, excuse me. Um, is this 417 Pennsdale Road?
04:29Yeah.
04:30Ah. Are you my wife?
04:34No.
04:35Ah, good.
04:39Gary, you're back. Oh, we were so worried about you.
04:43Whoa, are you my wife?
04:48Yeah, right.
04:52Harry, we've been looking all over for you.
04:54Jeez, Harry, you're a mess.
04:56Where have you been?
04:57Well, I'm not sure. My mind's a complete blank.
05:01So then you're fine.
05:02Yeah.
05:03That's a relief, honey. You go watch your stories. I'll make you some toast.
05:09No sofa? That's weird.
05:13Hmm. High Commander's logbook.
05:17Well, this sounds interesting.
05:19January 9th.
05:21We have successfully assumed human form and have tricked the Earthlings into thinking that we are up their species.
05:34Oh, my God!
05:38They're aliens!
05:41They're aliens!
05:45La, la, la.
05:49You've got to be kidding.
05:50No, I did it. Walked off the job, stuck it to the man, told him to kiss my Harry Polenta.
05:57Bingo!
05:59You can't be serious.
06:00I couldn't be more serious. Now, please, pass me, Mr. Potato Man.
06:05Why are you doing this?
06:06Because it's not fair.
06:07Well, life isn't fair.
06:09Well, you could remedy that, Mary, by giving me the space.
06:11Oh, that wouldn't be fair to me.
06:12Well, life isn't fair. You said so yourself.
06:14Let it go, Dick.
06:15Fine!
06:17Uh, that's university property.
06:19Well, they should have thought of that before giving away my parking space.
06:23But what are you going to do now?
06:25Oh, don't worry about me. I give Dewey about ten minutes before he comes crawling back to me.
06:34Nina, can you help me with the water cooler?
06:40Dick.
06:52Dick.
06:54Dick!
06:55You have been sitting there for ten days.
06:58For the last time, the university is not going to call.
07:00Oh, they'll call.
07:03They'll call.
07:04And when they do, this phone is going to really, really ring.
07:10I just wonder if it's worth getting all mashugana over a parking space.
07:14Dick, I hate to interrupt the creep fest, but would you stop thinking of yourself for a minute and think of the mission?
07:20Oh, my God, they're on a mission.
07:23I am the mission.
07:24We came to this pitiful planet to experience the human condition.
07:28And from all that I can ascertain, the human condition requires nothing more than complete and utter solipsistic self-absorption.
07:35And you can include that in your next transmission to the you-know-who.
07:39The big giant head, haven't you been listening?
07:42Oh, the big giant head.
07:52Thank you for seeing me, Father. I didn't know where else to turn.
07:57Well, that's why they pay me the big bucks, you know.
08:02Father, if someone, say a family member, had helped you, cared for you, given you shelter, and you knew something terrible about them,
08:11it'd be okay to turn them over to the authorities for dissection, wouldn't it?
08:17Are they dangerous?
08:18Yes. No.
08:22I don't know.
08:24I'm so alone and confused.
08:28Confused.
08:31You're not alone.
08:34There's someone up there who's watching over everything you do. At all times.
08:41There is?
08:42Mm-hmm.
08:43Is this person called the big giant head?
08:48He lives by many names.
08:50And you know him?
08:51Know him? I work for him.
08:58I see. Well, thank you for your time, Father.
09:01No, it's fine.
09:07Oh, my God! They're everywhere!
09:18We're out of cereal.
09:23We're out of milk. We're out of money.
09:27No milk? What am I going to use in my coffee?
09:30No problem. We're out of coffee, too.
09:33Harry keeps drinking it. It's like he's afraid to go to sleep.
09:36Harry! Harry, come in here!
09:39Are you feeling all right?
09:40Yeah. Hell yeah. Fine. I'm fine. When I'm fine, I'm fine. How are you? Because I'm fine.
09:47Tommy, go tuck Harry in bed. See that he gets some sleep.
09:50No!
09:51No, no. No, I'm fine.
09:57Well, I guess this has been kind of tough on all of us.
10:00Dick, why don't you just apologize and get your job back?
10:03Apologize?
10:04Should the Venus de Milo apologize to the thug who broke its arms off? No!
10:09Should the Sphinx apologize to the desert winds for eroding its nose? No!
10:13Should Jim Carrey apologize to America for the cable guy?
10:18Whoo!
10:24Perhaps.
10:26No, I'm not going to apologize. I can play their waiting game.
10:29Yeah, well, if you want to play the eating game, you've got to do something.
10:32Oh, I plan to. I'm going to get myself a new job. A job worthy of me.
10:36Oh, really? And where would that be?
10:38In America. Land of opportunity.
10:42Welcome to Rusty's. How may I serve you?
10:45Um, how do you make your burgers?
10:47Excellent question. First, a clamp comes down onto the cow's head, forcing it onto a conveyor belt,
10:53where a prod is inserted into the cow's rectum, electrocuting it.
10:59Give me two.
11:01And remember, at Rusty's, E. coli is not on the menu.
11:06Stop saying that.
11:08Welcome to Rusty's.
11:10Welcome to Rusty's.
11:11Rusty burger and a monster fries.
11:14Very well.
11:15Solomon, you're supposed to ask him if he wants a fried apple pie with that.
11:19But, Dougie, I can't.
11:21I mean, just look at him. The Rusty burger alone is enough to give him a coronary.
11:24The fried pie will be the death blow.
11:27Look, I didn't go to hamburger college to take crap from you.
11:31Hamburger college?
11:33They're not, by chance, looking for a physics professor, are they?
11:37It's a hamburger school.
11:39Once again, I find myself at the mercy of someone I wouldn't let pick my nose.
11:44I'm the most qualified. I'm the smartest. I should be running Rusty's.
11:47That's it. You're off register.
11:49Report immediately to the drive-thru window.
11:51Demoted?
11:53Dougie, no!
11:59Well, I don't know if I could come back to the university.
12:02No.
12:03Well, I am deeply hurt.
12:07I don't care how much you beg. I am not coming back.
12:11No. No!
12:15Well, to be honest, I'm entertaining some very interesting offers, even as we speak.
12:22Well, you better get going, Dick. You know how Dougie hates it when you're late.
12:25No. As soon as I find my hat.
12:28Uh, you're wearing your hat.
12:30Don't be ridiculous!
12:32Don't you think I'd know if I were wearing my own hat?
12:36Yes, operator. You have to listen very carefully.
12:41I'm at 417 Pennsdale Road, and I'm surrounded by aliens.
12:48I need to talk to the President of the United States.
12:53Yeah, I know I need help. That's why I'm calling. Hello?
12:58Hello?
13:00Hello?
13:01Hello?
13:04They've gotten to the phone companies.
13:14Thank you for making Rust-Ease a part of your day.
13:24Hello, Bug. Pitman.
13:26Welcome to Rust-Ease. How may I serve you?
13:28We're not hungry, Dr. Solomon.
13:30We just wanted to come in and see if you were really flipping patties in the hamburger freakout ward.
13:35Insolent little twerps! I should go...
13:37So, what do we have here? A customer satisfaction card.
13:40Mmm. Rate the performance of your server.
13:45F.
13:48Thank you for making Rust-Ease a part of your day.
13:51So, this is where the great minds of Rutherford go when they're feeling underappreciated?
13:55Hello, Mary.
13:56Hello, dear.
13:57See, they've got you back behind the register.
13:59No, I'm just covering for Maurice. He's out back having a smoke.
14:04A man of your brilliance quitting his job over a stupid parking space.
14:09If it's so stupid, why don't you give it to me?
14:11Never.
14:12Ha ha! So you admit it's important.
14:13I admit nothing. Give me a rusty dog, Noah.
14:16Would you like a fried pie with that?
14:19Yes.
14:20No, Mary, don't do it!
14:21Give me the pie!
14:22Mary, you have your whole life ahead of you!
14:26Dick, why are you doing this to yourself? Can't you just come back?
14:29No, Mary! I have my pride!
14:36So, you're working at Rust-Ease?
14:37Yes, I am.
14:38Oh, I see.
14:39Well, I've got to go.
14:40Goodbye.
14:41Goodbye.
14:42Goodbye.
14:44So, you're working at Rust-Ease?
14:46Yes.
14:47They have some wonderful opportunities for advancement here.
14:50Did you know that the fry man who used to work here is now a multi-millionaire?
14:53What happened?
14:54He lost his arm in the patty press and got a great lawyer.
15:00All right, gentlemen, prepare yourself for a fancy feast.
15:04Fancy feast? Can we afford that?
15:06Yes, we can.
15:07Because while I was shopping today, I found this aisle in the back that had these unbelievable savings.
15:11Tuna, liver, and new seafood blend for you finicky types.
15:17Wait a minute. You're feeding us cat?
15:19It's not cat, Tommy. It's salmon. There's just a picture of a cat on the label.
15:24The best part is, next to the food, they had these adorable little gifts. Look.
15:34I've never been happier in my life!
15:37I was playing with it today, and it got stuck behind the refrigerator, and I went nuts trying to get it!
15:51Hello?
15:52Hello?
15:58I've been awake for 16 days.
16:02That must be a record.
16:04So I've got to know. Are you one of them?
16:08I'm just going to step out of this closet now.
16:13If you are who you say you are, then who won the World Series in 1956?
16:21I don't know!
16:22I don't know either!
16:25Ha!
16:27Oh, I see what it's come to. You're too good for a Rusty's man.
16:30No!
16:33Dick, it's not what you think it is.
16:37I'm not sure what it was.
16:40I only came by to tell you that I spoke with President Dewey, and he's willing to meet with you.
16:44Never! I have my pride!
16:46All right. All right, keep your pride. Suffer all you want. But what about your family?
16:50There's nothing wrong with my family.
16:52Your son is eating cat food!
16:56Cat food?
17:06Maybe you're right.
17:08I'm beginning to wonder if I was rash quitting my job over a parking space.
17:12Stop wondering.
17:15I can't help thinking that it was my pride that clouded my vision.
17:19I can't help thinking that it was my pride that clouded my judgment.
17:23Stop thinking. It did.
17:25Was it folly or sheer idiocy that led to my downfall?
17:28Folly.
17:29Idiocy.
17:30I changed my vote to idiocy.
17:36Hello, President Dewey.
17:37Hello, Mary.
17:38Dr. Solomon and I...
17:40Dick!
17:43Hello, President Dewey, and thank you, Dr. Albright, for announcing me.
17:49I believe you have something to say to President Dewey?
17:52I would like to discuss the terms under which I will return to Pendleton.
17:56He wants to drop the parking thing.
17:58That's good to hear.
17:59And in return, you will admit that you were wrong, and that this university was falling apart without me.
18:05Or not.
18:06We're getting along very well without you. Thank you, and goodbye.
18:10Oh, no, President Dewey, Dr. Solomon is aware of how pathetic he's been over the past few days.
18:14Mary, Mary, Mary.
18:15Mary.
18:16This is beneath you.
18:17Why don't you wait outside, and I'll settle this on my own terms, all right?
18:23Please!
18:25Please, take me back!
18:28Sorry, can't do it.
18:29Please, please, I'll do anything, just name it!
18:32You can apologize.
18:33You want me to apologize?
18:35Yes!
18:36I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!
18:39Fine.
18:40We can begin tomorrow.
18:41In my new parking spot?
18:44I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!
18:55So, Dick, any problems getting your job back?
18:57Are you kidding? He begged me.
19:01Well, he didn't beg, beg, but it was clear enough.
19:05I take it you didn't get the space, either?
19:07Not the space, space.
19:09But, you know, I learned something very important.
19:12What?
19:13That even if you're the high commander, and brilliant, there's still time for a little humility.
19:18Thankfully, that time is now over.
19:21Dinner!
19:23Let's eat, Harry.
19:24What?
19:25Did you just say, let's eat, Harry?
19:29Yeah, we're hungry, so it's time to eat, Harry.
19:33Eat, Harry?
19:35I see.
19:37Could I just have a moment, please?
19:40Whatever.
19:43Would you hurry it up? I'm starving.
19:50Wow, that was a close one.
19:53That was a close one.
20:10Oooh, my favorite, meatloaf deluxe.
20:15Well, Harry, we haven't had that since Dick quit his job three weeks ago.
20:19Dick quit his job?
20:20Yeah, why do you think he was working at Rusty's?
20:23Dig was working at Rusty's?
20:27Geez, Harry, don't you know anything?
20:29No. All I know is I got a transmitter in my head
20:33and Charlie's Angels is on weeknights at 7.
20:37Oh, my gosh! It's 7 now!
20:40Finally! Finally!
20:43Hmm, thanks for the ride this morning.
20:45Oh, I couldn't let you walk. It's boring.
20:52How's your new parking spot?
20:54Awful! My house is closer.
20:56Dewey is going to hear about this.
20:58And after that, for lunch, I'll have a Rusty Burger with fries.
21:05Actually, it's not so bad.
21:07I'll have a Rusty Burger with fries.
21:11Actually, it's not so bad.