3rd Rock from The Sun 2x03 - Hotel Dick
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00aliens are not like that the senseless violence the mindless gore incredible
00:15sound system there must have been 30 speakers in that place that movie kicked
00:18butt how can you say that they portrayed aliens as vicious monsters they blew up
00:23the Department of Transportation hey hey do you mind we haven't seen the movie
00:26yet do I care I don't even know you don't you think it was cool when that
00:31thing's tongue split open and strangled those eight army guys okay that and only
00:37because it made me scream like a little girl they have to make the aliens scary
00:43that's entertainment sucking the brains out of all those zoo animals is not
00:46entertainment how these people think of us whether the aliens were good or bad
00:56they just wanted them dead what am I gonna do Mary she's already seen this
01:00movie so she doesn't know you're an alien does she oh please does she I said
01:06oh please isn't that enough does she know attention ticket holders listen up
01:14at the end of the movie when the president turns out to be an alien
01:21and he barbecues all the congressmen okay because aliens hate barbecue I'm
01:29gonna kill you all righty and that goes for all of you did you hear that guy
01:32you haven't even seen the movie and he already wants to kill us we are in big
01:36trouble here we've got a lay low until this mania passes over maybe build a
01:40bunker yeah no we can't hide I say we come out of the
01:44bunker and into the street I say we hold an alien pride parade we'll all get
01:50together and we'll prove that we're all
01:55humans
02:14I'd like to speak to your film critic please oh well then will you tell him
02:37that I just saw dawn of the aliens and it was not wham-bam it was not a slam
02:41dunk I was never on the edge of my seat and the special effects did not make my
02:44eyes pop out there's no cream in here well you don't have to bite my head off
02:51you know we don't do that
02:59you notice how I'm being gentle and not squeezing your body until your spleen
03:03shoots out of your mouth yes I noticed that thank you
03:08Oh speaking of spleens did you see dawn of the aliens oh wasn't that movie great
03:14it was two hours and four minutes of horrible horrible lives I liked it me
03:20too I was on the edge of my seat they portray aliens as hideous evil mutants
03:25they'd be sweet and well-mannered well I don't pay seven bucks to see an alien
03:30play with a puppy at that price he better eat it
03:39Tommy they're having a sci-fi convention in Cleveland meet all the aliens from
03:45your favorite TV shows and movies and Star Trek's mr. Sulu George Takei will
03:49be signing copies of his new book warp speed damn it the complete rants of
03:53William Shatner this would be a perfect place to help people understand how
03:59wrong their impressions of us aliens are or we could just blow the whole
04:03damn place up
04:06you guys lift your feet please put your feet
04:14Sally turn off your sucking device
04:20what is it I need your support I've made the most difficult decision I've had to
04:26make since coming to this planet you're giving up tidy whities and switching
04:29to boxers no it's not about underwear Harry although I have switched I've
04:41decided to tell Mary that I am what humans would call in their galacto
04:45centric way an alien no are you crazy dick why are you doing this you've never
04:51blown your cover on any other mission never felt the need to I keep having
04:55these feelings it's this fleshy human slipcover no sure it's dashing tall
05:04manly washable it just makes me feel so awful about deceiving the woman I love
05:13all right okay look let's just think this thing through okay here I'll be her
05:18here I am I'm Mary sitting at my desk now um you come in and tell me
05:29hello Mary dig you look handsome today and you look more beautiful than ever
05:39all right let's just start over
05:53hello Mary dick I can't kiss you today because I've got the flu as do I Mary I
06:04am an alien
06:14you killed her you alien bastard why
06:23I'm only telling one person or a security officer I forbid it and as high
06:28commander I have to say tough toenails lieutenant let it be on your head which
06:33is gonna be sitting next to ours on a tray somewhere in New Mexico I'm telling
06:37you dick humans cannot handle this kind of information Mary can I just have to
06:42find the right setting the right atmosphere where the elegant beauty of
06:46our magnificent surroundings help her to embrace the truth and me they're having
06:51a sci-fi convention in Cleveland perfect pack your bags kids we're going on a
06:57road trip
07:03Oh
07:10look at this place our first hotel room why do I suddenly have the urge to trash
07:18it you guys look at this tiny bottle I found in the bathroom evidence of a
07:25superior race of tiny people how can you tell they're superior because it's a
07:32shampoo and conditioner in one a tiny fridge filled with tiny bottles of
07:41alcohol and tiny bags of macadamia nuts people might be tiny but they know how
07:47to party how do they get up on the bed especially when they're all drunk and
07:52fat on nothing just tell me when when when I've poured enough to slake your
08:05thirst for champagne man whenever your heart desires man stop now now yeah yes
08:12now now but half a bottle for one glass you are a wild woman but then I accept
08:21that I may be wild but I'm not going to bite and neither will I and that's the
08:27whole point there will be no biting no bloodletting no cranial explosions what's
08:33with you all right Mary you've sniffed me out I brought you here under the guise
08:39of a romantic holiday to tell you something about myself this is very
08:44difficult I I don't want you to judge me I never judge you sometimes I do
08:52often always I'll try not to this time Mary before I met you I was completely
09:00different I was far far away from here and ever since I left that place I've
09:05been fighting so hard to fit in and if ever anyone found out I'd have to go
09:10back because I could never live in this world any longer Oh Tick were you in a
09:17clinic
09:21clinic it's okay so was I
09:40wake up everybody we're going to the sci-fi convention
09:57so important about the sci-fi convention oh well don't you see I mean it's a
10:01perfect opportunity to take a stand to protest how the rest of the world is
10:06treating our kind you want to be some kind of alien Martin Luther King exactly
10:11because I too have a dream and in that dream I'm naked on a Ferris wheel I'll
10:21meet you guys down in lobby I'm gonna go make sure dick hasn't blown our cover Oh
10:25Sally there's a note for you on the door please make up room
10:32I'll do it when we get back
10:45never told anyone this before but when I was a little girl 9 10 17 I was fat how
10:56fat fat enough that everybody made fun of me fat as a cow anyway instead of
11:05reaching out for help I I turned inward and became bitter and disillusioned with
11:10the world around me 300 pounds 400 my parents just made it worse they had this
11:19notion that I was going to be an Olympic figure skater they forced me into a
11:24leotard I look like a sausage and purple velour casing when I skated they
11:31called me the Zamboni and one day I I cracked the ice
11:43my parents sent me to a special place can't knock a lot of weight off it's
11:50just terrible I'm so sorry oh no no it's fine really thanks for letting me
11:55confide in you now why were you in a clinic oh well funny story I was uh how
12:05can I put this not what here goes I am
12:13Sally hi-ha I need to talk to dick for a second in private don't you have some
12:17little girly thing you need to do in the bathroom no and just go sit in there
12:20excuse me you're excused
12:27it better be good I was this close to pouring my heart and I arrived just in
12:30time just told me one of her deepest secrets she used to be fat fat as a cow
12:35is that I mean you tell her the next thing you know the Air Force is sealed
12:41off the neighborhood that's a risk I'm willing to take okay how about this one
12:45you tell her you're an alien and she freaks out runs away and you never see
12:50her again ever oh well in my scenario she comes
12:56running into my arms it's just a risk you're gonna have to take alien
13:21it is fascinating though isn't it how these people fulfill their lives through
13:27fantasy it's like those guys that spend all of their time reading those fake
13:31letters in penthouse they're fake
13:36can you imagine what these people would do if they met an actual alien they
13:41would completely freak out well I don't know in a way aren't we all aliens I
13:46mean we emerge from weightless environments seeing everything for the
13:50first time with curious new eyes every emotion brand-new always discovering
13:55always learning yeah you keep overthinking life I'm gonna go get us a
14:00couple of space churros
14:04somebody broke into the room look at this place
14:09looks clean to me exactly they cleaned everything made the beds rewrap the soap
14:15sanitize the toilet for my protection
14:19the maid was here the maid there's a maid housekeeping here it's a whole book
14:28of services the hotel has to offer dry-cleaning wake-up calls in room
14:35dining yes ma'am room service room service
14:43room service do you know what this means no ma'am we're in heaven you my good man
14:56are the assistant manager of heaven thank you bye-bye
15:04hi yes this is Sally Solomon in room 605 can I get a turkey sandwich I can can I
15:20get ten anything frequencies open everybody I'm George decay seeing all of
15:39you here makes me feel like a kid again almost as if as mr. Sulu once said my
15:44chronometer is running backwards you people are living a lie look at
15:52yourselves embracing negative alien stereotypes did you ever stop to think
15:57that maybe aliens are friendly kind attractive people security have not an
16:04alien eyes or buttocks if you prick an alien does it not say ow ow ow we should
16:12not embrace science fiction screw sci-fi instead we should embrace science
16:21facts sighs long live
16:30you there forget the windows and scrub that sink until I see my face in it
16:34thanks good afternoon ma'am good afternoon I'm here to pick up your dry
16:41yes that pile over there on the luggage I'll do the luggage too terrible oh well
16:47you're doing the right thing by not telling her honey darling when you're
16:52done with the bathroom just the credenza and fertilize the potted plants I want
16:55them blooming and making me happy I came here with the sole purpose of coming
16:59clean and now I just feel so dirty just take a bubble bath you know the tub's
17:04got beautifully positioned jets and the shower turns into a sauna dirty was a
17:08metaphor I'm sure it was honey hi yes we get some eucalyptus oil up here and
17:13a couple of big fat loofahs thanks hello boys
17:19what's all this stuff room service
17:28if I want a towel they send it up if I want a radish they send it up they set
17:32up a laptop a fax a VCR and why because until checkout time tomorrow I'm the
17:37Queen I'm glad you're having a good time I am I'll be down in my room
17:43whoo are these chocolate truffle get your own French sampler how can you look
17:54at yourself deceiving the person you love for the sake of a mission look at
17:58you you're gorgeous
18:04oh no nothing tell her tell her but how
18:16and prepare to be demolecularized in ways you've never imagined Mary I'm not
18:23Mary I am Uma remove your earth pants any resistance will be futile human
18:34human but I'm not human I've been deceiving you I'm an alien from a
18:44planet in the bard spiral galaxy on the Cepheus Draco border I was sent here by
18:50our leader the big giant head to explore this planet Dick Solomon is just
18:56a facade hiding a quivering purple tube I am the high commander and this is my
19:04salute
19:06oh really I have seen your planet it is a savage place and must be conquered
19:23I'd like to get another massage because I'm starting to feel a little tense
19:37again oh what is that hmm well looks like a list of everything we got while
19:46we were here lobster lobster lobster lobster hey what's that number right
19:51there at the bottom no it's probably the population of Cleveland or something
19:55that's your bill Harry get me the laptop the modem the magnetic strip key that
20:08got us into this room and a shower cap
20:13good morning mr. decay good morning I'm checking out oh of course here's your
20:19bill sir $3,000 well that's all right I can afford it I'm a famous actor that's
20:31$30,000 mr. decay oh my
20:40$14 of champagne shrimp cocktails hummus on pita tips look I had a Toblerone and
20:53two ginger ales that's it seven massages how could I get seven
20:58massages do I look relaxed do I what's this all right so I took one towel one
21:08I'm George the cave