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00:00Good morning Harry. What are you eating?
00:07New cereal.
00:09Monopoly?
00:12Finally, a cereal about real estate.
00:16Uh, Harry, that's a game like life.
00:18Life's a cereal too.
00:20And a magazine.
00:21Yeah, and a bowl of cherries.
00:22But that doesn't change the fact that you're eating little plastic houses.
00:26Plastic? No, these houses are just stale.
00:33Stale plastic.
00:35Sally, did you take my blue suit to the dry cleaners?
00:37Oh no, it was too expensive so I dry cleaned it myself. Here.
00:42I think I may have sanded off a button, but...
00:46You ruined this suit!
00:47I knew you were gonna say that!
00:48Harry wants me to wear this to our party tomorrow night!
00:51Uh, wait, don't you mean her party?
00:53No, ours! It's the first party we're hosting together!
00:55So exactly which part of the party is yours?
00:57Oh, I'm in charge of the hors d'oeuvres.
01:00I've chosen miniature egg rolls.
01:02Oh, well, you know, brown goes with egg rolls. Why don't you wear your brown suit?
01:05No, Mary wants the blue! And if Mary wants the blue, Mary gets the blue!
01:09Uh, permission to state the obvious, High Commander?
01:11Uh, permission granted.
01:13You are so whipped.
01:19Excuse me.
01:20Yeah, Dick. Whipped like pudding.
01:24Pudding whipped? I am not pudding whipped.
01:27The woman tells you how to act.
01:29And what to say.
01:30And what to think.
01:31And how to act.
01:32I said that.
01:33I know, I just wanted it.
01:34Look, I will say this once and once only, I am the High Commander and nobody has control of my life, especially Mary. Is that understood?
01:39Yes, sir.
01:40Good. Sally, pour me a cup of coffee and a bowl of Monopoly.
01:43But, sir...
01:44Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.
01:47The High Commander has spoken.
01:54Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.
02:24Nina, do you think I'm whipped?
02:42Whipped.
02:44I know, it's crazy.
02:46By Dr. Albright.
02:48What was I thinking?
02:52Dr. Solomon.
02:53Yes, Nina.
02:55You are wrapped around that woman's finger like a yo-yo.
03:00And she is always walking the dog.
03:06Mary, we need to talk.
03:07Oh, Dick, can it wait? I'm late for class.
03:09Mary, I will not be wearing my blue suit to our party tomorrow night.
03:12That's good.
03:15Are you positive it's all right?
03:16Sure.
03:17Oh, great.
03:19That's great.
03:20I'll wear my brown suit.
03:22Uh, no, no, no.
03:23Why don't you wear your blue blazer and khakis?
03:27Okay.
03:30And, uh, you really should get a haircut before tomorrow night.
03:33You can go at lunch.
03:34No, absolutely not.
03:36I'll go at two.
03:46Five, one, two, three...
03:48Hey, hey, hey, you're not the top hat.
03:50I'm the top hat. You're the boot.
03:51I'm not the boot.
03:52Harry, who's the boot?
03:53Sally said that she wanted to be the boot because it reminded her of a boot.
03:59Fine, I'm the boot.
04:00One, two, three, four, five.
04:02Community chest.
04:04You have won second prize in a beauty contest.
04:06Collect $10.
04:07Ooh, $10.
04:08You must be real pretty.
04:11You have to be close to owning your knobby butt.
04:14Now roll the dice, you long-haired alien freak.
04:19Enough.
04:20One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine.
04:24Go to jail.
04:26Go directly to jail.
04:28Do not pass go.
04:29Do not collect $200.
04:31And do not, I repeat, do not drop the soap.
04:39And so you will see that A equals DV over DT, which equals D over DT, and close.
04:46Oh, good.
04:47I'm glad you find Newton's laws in vector notation as hilariously misconceived as I do.
04:53That's not why they're laughing, Dr. Solomon.
04:55They're laughing because of this.
04:58A woman in a cocktail dress?
04:59Turn it upside down.
05:04Oh, my.
05:07I'm sorry, I'll have to confiscate this until I'm through.
05:12Dr. Solomon, can I get that back?
05:14It's for my brother's bachelor party.
05:16Yeah, he's getting married and all the guys are taking him to a strip club.
05:21Strip club?
05:22It's Roy's house of class.
05:24Well, why wasn't I invited?
05:26But, Dr. Solomon, it's just a pathetic excuse for guys to get together and behave like pigs.
05:31So why wasn't I invited?
05:33Well, Dr. Solomon, we just didn't think that maybe you...
05:36You think that I'm too whipped to go to your twisted little soiree?
05:40Sorry, Dr. Solomon.
05:41Apology accepted.
05:42Just tell me where it is and I'll be there.
05:44Well, um, we don't exactly have a time set.
05:48Yeah, we're not really even sure what the wind and...
05:53Eight o'clock tomorrow night.
05:55I knew he was staring right at me.
05:57Friday night, eight o'clock, Roy's house of class.
06:06Next time, my answer is paper.
06:18Oh, Dick, would you do me a favor for tomorrow night?
06:23Would you keep an eye on Saul Talbert?
06:25Last party, I think he tried on some of my teddies.
06:28They were stretched out in the strangest place.
06:30Oh, don't open those.
06:33I want that fresh for the tapenade.
06:36If I had something I had to do tomorrow night,
06:39something else, you'd understand, wouldn't you?
06:42Dick, we've been planning this party for weeks.
06:44All your boring physics friends are coming.
06:46Well, I know, but it's an emergency,
06:49an emergency bachelor party at Roy's house of class.
06:54Who's getting married?
06:55Bug's brother, Fred, or Frank or something.
06:59You're going to abandon me to go to a party
07:01for someone you don't even know?
07:03Pittman's going.
07:04This whole party was your idea.
07:06No, it wasn't.
07:07Yes, it was.
07:08No, it wasn't.
07:09Yes, it was.
07:10No, it wasn't.
07:11Yes, it was.
07:12We were at the sea shanty with the Sullivans.
07:13You were having crab cakes, which you hated.
07:14They sang happy birthday to the kid at the next table.
07:15You jump up and said, I want to have a party, too.
07:17That is absolutely untrue.
07:19Dick, this is your party.
07:21You can't leave me alone with those physics guys.
07:23I have nothing to say to them.
07:25Fine, I'll be here.
07:28Who needs fun anyway?
07:34I want Tennessee.
07:37You already own the railroads and all the utilities.
07:40I need Tennessee.
07:42I need it back.
07:44You just need to be the big man, don't you?
07:47Well, you know what, Tommy?
07:49It's the little ones.
07:51The ones who labor to build houses on the Baltics
07:53and the Mediterranean.
07:54The ones who pay school taxes and property taxes.
07:57The ones who are happy just to get a bank error in their favor.
07:59For they're the ones, Tommy!
08:01The ones who own this country!
08:04Here's $400 and my get-out-of-jail-free card.
08:07Thank you very much.
08:11I have made a command decision.
08:13I am no longer whipped.
08:15Good for you.
08:16I'm tired of feeling like a Catholic schoolboy
08:18always getting his knuckles wrapped by the nun he's dating.
08:21So what's Sister Mary Albright going to say about this?
08:24She'll just have to accept it.
08:26Because I'm the man!
08:28I'm stronger than she is.
08:29I have a larger cranium.
08:31I'm far more likely to go to prison.
08:33I'm the man!
08:35I wonder if I could just find someone who could teach me how to act like one.
08:39Tommy?
08:44I'm sorry.
08:45But before you teach him how to be a man,
08:47shouldn't you get August's permission first?
08:50She told me not to call her until after dinner.
08:53Problem is that you've both had your masculine energy
08:56sapped by blonde chicks-a-goddesses.
08:59Guess that makes me the only real man in the room.
09:06Not even Sally can make that claim.
09:09That's true. How do you do it?
09:10Who, me?
09:14By keeping it real, dick.
09:19You can help me.
09:20You think you can help me?
09:23Follow me.
09:29So, um, you want to watch the pencil neck leading the henpecked?
09:35So I take it you're forfeiting.
09:36Because either you're rolling these dice, or you're forfeiting.
09:42Ha! Free parking, loser!
09:47First of all, you need a manly name.
09:49Dick is so girly.
09:54You need something hip, something sexy,
09:57something that says, I'm a real man.
09:59Something like...
10:01Manny.
10:06Harley.
10:08Tubby.
10:10Batman.
10:14How about...
10:15Solomon.
10:17I like that.
10:18Dick Solomon.
10:21Hi, I'm Dick Solomon.
10:23How much are those pliers?
10:27No, no.
10:29Don't look at your fingernails like that.
10:32It's not manly.
10:34This way.
10:36Manly.
10:38Not manly.
10:40Very manly.
10:41Manly no, manly yes.
10:47How about scratching?
10:48Outside the pants, manly.
10:51Inside the pants?
10:52Too manly.
10:55This is so hard, Harry.
10:57How does a real man know what to do?
10:59Look deep inside yourself.
11:01Find your primal instincts.
11:11Now let it come out.
11:13Slowly, slowly.
11:16Now let it come out.
11:18Slowly.
11:24Now let it go, Dick.
11:25Let it go.
11:27Hey baby, what's shaking?
11:34There you go.
11:35Now...
11:37Walk the walk.
11:39Walk the walk.
11:45Now talk the talk.
11:47Hey mama.
11:49I gotta answer my parents and they make me do the hula dance.
11:54You da man.
11:55No, you da man.
11:56No, you da man.
11:57No, you da man.
11:58No, you da man.
11:59No, you da man.
12:00Dammit, Harry, I'm the high commander.
12:01If I say you da man, you da man.
12:03Okay, okay.
12:04I'm da man.
12:09I'm da man.
12:13I'm da man.
12:18Good morning, ladies.
12:21Hey, Judith.
12:22Do those fries come with soup?
12:28I'd sue him if I knew what he was talking about.
12:34Hey, did it hurt?
12:36What?
12:37When you fell from heaven.
12:41What's that smell?
12:43That's the scent of a man.
12:47And brute.
12:57Go home and take a shower.
12:59You steel wool.
13:01The party's tonight.
13:02What makes you think I'm coming to our little party?
13:04This El Dorado is leaving for Roy's house of class.
13:12Is this a test to see how pissed I can get?
13:14Oh, come on, Mary. You can't run my life.
13:17Your what?
13:18I have to be my own man.
13:20Well, fine. Go ahead.
13:23Go to the house of class.
13:25Leave me alone to entertain your friends.
13:28Thanks, I will.
13:31That was easier than I thought.
13:39I'll tell you what you're going to do.
13:40What am I going to do?
13:41You're going to give me Marvin Gardens.
13:42I'm giving you Waterworks and St. Charles.
13:43Well, I don't want Waterworks.
13:44I'm giving you Waterworks. I'm giving you St. Charles.
13:46I'm giving you $200. You're taking the deal.
13:47I'm not taking the deal.
13:48$400. Take the deal.
13:49$500.
13:50Deal. You're going to like this deal.
14:00Tommy, Dick, and I are going to the bachelor party.
14:02You want to come?
14:03Does it look like I have time for strippers?
14:04I'm playing freaking Monopoly here.
14:08Come on, Harry.
14:09Let's make like a banana split and leave.
14:13Boy, don't you look stupid.
14:16You're just upset because you have to be pretending to be my sister
14:18and can't get any play.
14:22Yeah, right.
14:24Hey, Dick.
14:25Why don't you slip one of these in your wallet?
14:28Might come in handy.
14:30A moist towelette?
14:34In case they serve ribs.
14:42Oh, my God. I love you.
14:44I love you.
14:45I'm an ice cream sandwich.
14:50Okay, Dick.
14:51The thing about these women is you got to play it cool.
14:55Just ignore them.
14:56Pretend they're not even here.
14:58Can I get you something to drink?
15:04Oh, man. Solomon's here.
15:06Hi, there.
15:08Well, hello.
15:09How would you like to buy a bottle of champagne?
15:12How much?
15:13$75.
15:14What, for a bottle of champagne? Are you crazy?
15:17How about if I sit down and drink it with you?
15:19Well, then you should buy it yourself.
15:22I mean, at least pay for half.
15:26I gotta... I gotta pass go.
15:29Roll the dice.
15:31I'm down to nothing, Tommy. I gotta pass go.
15:34Sally, the dice are gonna do what they're gonna do.
15:37Let them fly.
15:41Boardwalk?
15:42No!
15:45With hotel, that's $2,000.
15:48I only got $600, Tommy.
15:50$600!
15:52Mortgage another property.
15:53I mortgaged them all.
15:55Really?
15:56Well, you know what that means.
15:58It means I lost?
16:00No.
16:01No?
16:02It means I won! I won!
16:06Oh, you're the warrior. You think you can win anything, but not this time, Pally.
16:10This time you're the loser!
16:14Oh, Sally, Sally. And you know what the best part is?
16:17Oh, what?
16:18The loser cleans up.
16:23Fine.
16:25What are you doing? Hey!
16:35Okay, that felt good.
16:38Oh, yeah. Yeah. You're a woman. You're half naked. I'm a guy. Yeah, I get it.
16:59Are you enjoying yourself?
17:00Oh, yeah.
17:02You think we partied long enough?
17:04Oh, yeah.
17:06We've been here almost...
17:07Wow.
17:08Twelve minutes.
17:10How long do you think we have to stay so these guys don't think we're, uh, you know...
17:14Women?
17:15Yeah.
17:16Five seconds.
17:17Oh, yeah!
17:18Walk that around.
17:19Shake that thing!
17:20Who's your daddy?
17:21Come to papa!
17:24All right, let's go.
17:26Uh-uh.
17:27Uh-huh.
17:28Uh-uh.
17:29Uh-huh.
17:30Uh-uh.
17:31Uh-huh.
17:32Mary, settle this one for us.
17:34Who is the more original physicist, Niels Bohr or Max Planck?
17:41Planck. Definitely Planck.
17:43There's so much food here it's like a white hole, and the black hole is at the A&P.
17:47White hole!
17:48That's a good one.
17:49Right, right!
17:51Mary, these are the dullest people I have ever met.
17:55They make my mother look like Rip Taylor.
18:00Gentlemen, if you'll excuse me, I have to go wake up.
18:07Excuse me.
18:10Hello, Mary.
18:11Well, Dick, what a surprise.
18:13I'd invite you in, but there's no one taking their clothes off in here.
18:16Of course, at this point, anything would help.
18:18Mary, I'm back, and I'm willing to forgive you for trying to run my life.
18:23Goodbye, Dick.
18:24Wait, wait, wait!
18:25Mary, what I meant was, I want to apologize for reacting so poorly when you tried to run my life.
18:33No, no, no, Mary, please, listen to me.
18:36I'm sorry, I was acting like an idiot.
18:38I didn't belong at that club tonight.
18:40I belonged here.
18:41I'm sorry, I was acting like an idiot.
18:43I didn't belong at that club tonight.
18:45I belonged here with you.
18:48Can't I come in?
18:49Dick, it will be a long time before I let you back into my life, much less my house.
18:56Mary, Mary, we're about to play A.P.C.
18:59A.P.C.?
19:00Astrophysics Charades.
19:05Okay, you've waited long enough.
19:07High five!
19:12Wow, what a room full of weirdos.
19:22So, you two together?
19:27Okay, okay, ready.
19:29Book.
19:30Magazine.
19:31Journal.
19:32Theory.
19:3624 words.
19:37First words.
19:38First words.
19:39First words.
19:40It's a small world.
19:41Second word.
19:42The first word is the second word.
19:45The number two.
19:48Second word.
19:50Sky.
19:51Cosmos.
19:53Big giant head.
19:58Outer space.
20:00Alien.
20:01I'm an alien.
20:02No!
20:03Shoot a man.
20:07Revolution.
20:09Inertia.
20:10Oh, oh!
20:11Two celestial bodies of equal mass sharing a single gravitational field will exhibit
20:15identical rotational properties for as long as their inertial integrities maintain.
20:24This is the physics blowout of the semester.
20:27Okay, who's up for quantum pictionary?
20:32Men.
20:33Can't live with them.
20:36Good night, Mary.
20:46Okay.
20:47Professor Plum did it in the library with a pillow.
20:52Pillow?
20:53You can kill someone with a pillow.
20:55There's no pillow in Clue.
20:57That's what makes it so ingenious.
20:59I've eliminated the library and the billiard room and I'm pretty sure...
21:03Hey!
21:04Take a look at this.
21:06What am I doing playing board games?
21:11Oh, my.