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00:00Go to him, Francesca. Get in his truck. Get in his truck and run away with him.
00:11Damn! These stupid books never end the way I want them to.
00:16Lieutenant, rewrite this book so that Francesca runs off with Robert.
00:20What? That's not my job description.
00:22But they should be together.
00:28Sally, make dinner. Sally, do the laundry. Sally, rewrite this international bestseller.
00:33You know, there's something about doing this crappy job day in and day out that makes me want to kill myself.
00:38And you.
00:41Well, Sally, I'm tired of hearing you complain. I mean, I'm not appreciating...
00:44Shut up.
00:46No, Sally, no. I mean, I have a difficult job, too, and...
00:51I think that you should shut up.
01:07What is your job, exactly?
01:11I am the sponge.
01:14I know many things.
01:17Like what, oh great sponge?
01:20Okay. Like how many bags of trash do our neighbors produce per week?
01:25What are Barney's friends' names?
01:28His real friends.
01:30How many licks does it take to get to the center of a marble?
01:35You don't know, do you?
01:38Well, he's got you there.
01:39Yeah, he sure does. But, um, Harry, I do all the shopping, cooking, cleaning, banking, and the killing of all spiders.
01:45Ha! Spiders. Spiders are more afraid of us than we are of them.
01:49Harry, there's a spider on your neck.
01:51Get it off! Get it off!
01:54Ah, very funny.
01:56See, Harry, you can never handle my job.
01:58I can do it with my eyes closed.
01:59You do everything with your eyes closed.
02:04Okay, okay, big guy, what do you say you and I trade jobs?
02:08All right, Sally.
02:11I accept your challenge.
02:16Look, I know this is silly, but do you think Mary would ever jump in the truck of some rugged, bridge-loving photographer?
02:24Uh, probably.
02:28How can you say that?
02:30Because your relationship is so boring.
02:32Boring? We're passionate. Unpredictable. We're wild. Wild, I tell you. Just wild.
02:39I mean, let's see. Tonight's Wednesday. You go to her house. You watch Jeopardy. Then The Wheel.
02:448.15, delivery from the Bamboo Garden.
02:46And two videos, Robert Redford and Pauly Shore. But which to watch first?
02:52Hmm.
02:55Pauly Shore!
02:57But not always.
03:00Okay, always.
03:14Hello, my love.
03:39Hi.
03:41Whatcha doing?
03:45Dick, I have 15 papers to grade this afternoon, so please.
03:48Very well.
03:52Mary, you think we're still an exciting couple, don't you?
03:55Mm-hmm.
03:57Good. Because for some reason Sally said that we were boring.
04:06Mary, suppose a rugged Italian woman with a camera appeared in a pickup and gave me the old honkin' wave.
04:15I shouldn't jump in her truck and drive off with her, should I?
04:19Mm-hmm.
04:21No!
04:22What?
04:23We are boring, aren't we?
04:25Oh, well, we might be in a little rut. How about we do something special tonight?
04:31Okay.
04:32You come over, we'll watch Jeopardy in the Wheel, and we can order from the Bamboo Garden.
04:41Yum.
04:46Hi. Would you like to try a new fat-free pizza nibbler?
04:49Oh, tasty, tasty pizza treat. I used to watch a lot of TV.
05:04No, I'm sorry, lady. Only the best for my family.
05:08It's my job, you know.
05:28Agua la vista, baby.
05:32Oh, hi.
05:34Give up? Shopping's not as easy as you thought it was, huh?
05:37Actually, I'm great at it. And check out these values. Skinny bar, fat bar, fat bar, fat bar, skinny bar, fat bar, dollar 26.
05:46You cracked the bar code?
05:49Yeah.
05:52Oh, hi, guys. Hey, look what I was doing today. Crossword puzzle.
05:58What's a digfa?
06:00Apparently, it's the capital of France. But you know that little sign on the back of the TV that says,
06:05risk of electrical shock, do not open? Well, they are not feeding you guys a line of crap. I mean...
06:12Wow.
06:13So, how was your day?
06:14Not as exciting. Tell me.
06:15It was great. August won the Rutherford County Essay Contest.
06:19And I was so surprised because, you know, I won last year, too, and no one's ever won two years in a row.
06:25I'm so proud.
06:27I think I found my mom.
06:31I can't take it, Sally. Everything about her is so perfect.
06:35You want me to mess her up a little?
06:38No, please. I'm caged here. All I'm killing is time.
06:44Oh, hi, Jim. How was your day?
06:46Great.
06:48What?
06:49No, I can't keep up the facade. You were right. The thrill is gone.
06:54You know, Mary and I used to be like champagne. Fresh and bubbly.
06:59But now, we've been uncorked too long.
07:03We're lukewarm, flat, collecting flies, and there's a cigarette butt floating in us.
07:13Shh, shh, shh. I'm hiding.
07:14Why? What's happening?
07:19Who are you?
07:20I'm Jimmy Farmhand.
07:27Oh, everybody, this is Charlie.
07:29Hi, folks.
07:30Oh, isn't he potent? Charlie brought the magic back into my life.
07:43It's got to be her fifth magician this year.
07:47The first time I saw Mary, it was magic.
07:50But now, the rabbit just sits in his hat.
08:02Nina.
08:03I'm on my break.
08:04Oh, that's all right. I don't mind.
08:06It's about Dr. Albright and me.
08:08Oh, don't involve me in their freak show.
08:13Things have changed between us, and I don't know why.
08:17Okay, what are you doing differently?
08:19That's just it. Nothing.
08:21Same movies, same takeout, same as it ever was.
08:24Wait, there's an article right here on that very thing.
08:27Oh, good luck.
08:28Here, all the wisdom you seek and ten new ways to show off your breasts.
08:34Ten surefire tips on bringing your lukewarm love life back to a boil.
08:43Showing off my breasts.
08:51Then the high priestess is carried into a mud, thatched-roofed hut, where for seven days and seven nights...
08:58She is wet!
09:04Oh, thank you, Karen.
09:07What are you doing?
09:10I'm boiling our love by surprising you in your workplace.
09:13Dick!
09:14And I've done some shaving.
09:16Somewhere on my body, you will discover a tufted heart.
09:22Leon!
09:23Two classes? Isn't that a tad weighty for you?
09:27Dr. Song.
09:28Yes? Dr. Albright?
09:30Get out.
09:32But I have something important to casually mention that may reignite our relationship.
09:37What?
09:38I'm not wearing any panties.
09:44You have lost your mind.
09:46No, Mary. I just want us to be the way we were, the greatest lovers in history.
09:51Dick, put your panties back on and sit down.
09:54We're fine. There's nothing wrong with us. Our relationship is normal.
09:58I don't want normal. I want ceaseless joy and never-ending passion like Romeo and Juliet.
10:04They both wound up dead.
10:06Anthony and Cleopatra?
10:08Dead.
10:09That couple from Wuthering Heights?
10:11Insane and dead.
10:12F. Scott, Fitzgerald and Zelda?
10:14Drunk, insane and dead.
10:16Tristan and Isolde?
10:18I've chosen.
10:20Ah-ha! Siegfried and Roy.
10:23Okay. One.
10:30Oh, here you go, Tommy. A bowl of crunchy flakes and skim milk.
10:35This is a bowl of cold goo.
10:38That's right. Because in an effort to be more efficient, I prepared breakfast last night.
10:44And for you, Sally, a hot cup of steamin' java.
10:57Since when did relationships become so much work?
11:00Coffee, Dick?
11:04No.
11:06What is it with this planet?
11:08Nothing ever stays fixed. Everything is in a constant state of decay.
11:12It's this damn gravity. It brings everything down.
11:16I've got to get the magic back. But how?
11:19I need some guidance, a mentor.
11:22Someone who can teach me the fine art of romance. But who?
11:25Who?
11:26Hi, hi, hi.
11:28Do you have anything for rope burns?
11:35I'm so glad your kids could join us.
11:38Oh, the pleasure is ours.
11:40Thank you for letting us be the two little flies on your wall of love.
11:44Right, Mary?
11:47Aren't you going to eat your fat pookie?
11:53Come on. Boom, boom. Let's shake it.
11:55Yeah.
11:59Just think. That could be us in ten years.
12:02Just think.
12:04Come on, Mary. Let's shake it.
12:06Oh, come on. Come on.
12:08Let's break out of this rut. Rekindle the fire.
12:11Eat my fat pookie. Eat my fat pookie.
12:14Yes, the magic is gone.
12:16No, the magic's not gone.
12:19Let's go back to your place and I'll prove it.
12:21Really?
12:24Really.
12:27Really.
12:45Relaxed?
12:47Very.
12:48Good.
12:50Because it's time for a little bedtime story.
12:57Finally, his eyes came to rest
12:59upon the lush mossy valley from whence all pleasure spread.
13:06What are you reading to me? A hiking guide?
13:19She succumbed to him
13:21and like a lily unfolding to morning's first light
13:24gave herself over to the pollinating bee of earthly pleasure.
13:40Yeah, hi. Can I please speak with Oprah?
13:46This is Sally Solomon.
13:49A viewer?
13:51Oh, don't give me that B.S. She's on a vacation.
13:53She's right there. I can see her on my TV.
13:55What do you think I am, stupid?
13:57Hello?
13:59Life of a sponge isn't easy as it looks, is it, Sally?
14:03No, I'm not giving up, even if Oprah won't talk to me.
14:06Well, you know, one thing I learned,
14:08television always goes better with food.
14:12Um, what is this, Harry?
14:14Ice cream.
14:17You know, I'm really enjoying your job, Sally.
14:19I discovered another terrific household tip.
14:21If you lay the dirty dishes in the Muller's backyard,
14:23their dog will just clean them right up for you.
14:28And now, the winner of the Rutherford County Essay Contest
14:31for the second year in a row,
14:33August Leffler!
14:45I think both players have it best.
14:50Mary, I think I figured out
14:52why we're so incredibly tedious together.
14:55We're not tedious together.
14:57Mary, don't you see?
14:59We used to be new, uncharted territory.
15:02But now, I've read every page in the Mary book.
15:07Is that right?
15:09Sadly, yes.
15:11There are volumes about me you don't know.
15:14Really? Yeah.
15:16Face it, Mary, I've checked your footnotes,
15:19combed your stacks, thumbed your index.
15:23There are no surprises left.
15:26Is that right?
15:30Where are we? Grandma's house?
15:32Yeah, this is a side of you I've never seen before.
15:35The evening's young.
15:40What is this?
15:42You've never been to a kegger?
15:45Stay close and follow my lead.
15:55Ah!
15:58You're funny.
16:00He can't hear you, Sally.
16:02Fuck me.
16:04It's that remote.
16:10Harry, I can't feel my butt.
16:14I can't feel my butt.
16:17You just have 28 hours, Keister.
16:20I can't take it anymore, Harry.
16:22Please, give me my life back.
16:26No.
16:30Give me the vacuum, Harry.
16:32Just put it down and walk away.
16:34No, no, it's mine.
16:36Don't be a fool, Harry.
16:38Give it over.
16:40No, no, a deal's a deal.
16:43You want me to kill the spider, Harry?
16:45Huh? Just give me the vacuum and I'll kill the spider.
16:48I can kill the spider, Sally.
16:50I've been practicing with grapes.
16:54Okay, here's the deal, Harry.
16:56Grapes don't have eight legs.
16:58And they don't jump.
17:07You did it, Harry.
17:09You won.
17:11Yes, I did.
17:14Poor little spider.
17:17I hope he doesn't have kids.
17:24It's over, Harry.
17:26It's okay.
17:28Sally's here.
17:30Sally's back.
17:35Sally's back.
17:37I can't believe you just sat there like everyone else.
17:39You didn't even try to help me.
17:41Look, August.
17:43Ever since I've known you, you've always been so together.
17:46What?
17:47Well, it's just everything you say and everything you do
17:50and everything you are is so perfect.
17:52And up there was the first time I ever saw you actually be...
17:55human.
17:57You know, that's what I'm looking for in a woman.
18:00Perfect? Me?
18:03I just got a C- in phys ed
18:05because I can't lift my own body weight.
18:07I can't bite my nails.
18:08I have a lousy sense of direction.
18:11And this nose...
18:13it's not exactly Cindy Crawford's.
18:16You're right. It hooks a little to the left there.
18:18So...
18:21I am not perfect.
18:23Certainly are not.
18:24Good.
18:25But why stop at the nose?
18:27I mean, you're...
18:29Stop at the nose.
18:32Niner.
18:34One-eye check.
18:35Oh, you've got a pair, Sean.
18:37I can't help it.
18:40I'm out.
18:41In.
18:42I'm out.
18:43Read them and weep.
18:45Oh.
18:46Oh.
18:47Goodbye, underwear.
18:49Leon, Leon, you've still got your socks on, buddy.
18:52My feet get cold.
18:55Seven cards done.
18:58Seven cards done.
19:01You in?
19:03Got nothing left to lose.
19:05Get me a beer?
19:08I'd rather not.
19:18So, you glad we tried something new?
19:21Not really.
19:23In fact, it made me uncomfortable and cold.
19:27Kind of shrively.
19:30I guess we have to accept the inevitable.
19:32Things will never be new again.
19:34But I'm strong enough to go on.
19:36And on and on.
19:44Excuse me.
19:50Mary!
19:51I said excuse me.
19:53No. No, it's fine.
19:55I've never heard you do that before.
19:57Do you realize what this means?
19:59Beef and broccoli?
20:01Yes, but so much more.
20:03Don't you see? It didn't bother you.
20:05And it didn't bother me.
20:07Good, because there's another one on the way.
20:09Mary, it's the best possible sign we've entered a new phase.
20:13It's like you said, relationships change.
20:15We become comfortable with each other.
20:18It's as if you've trumpeted the dawn of our new year.
20:25So, what do you want to do tomorrow?
20:27This.
20:28You?
20:29This!
20:30Oh, Mary!
20:31Oh!
20:37Was that you or me?
20:39Does it matter?
20:40No.
20:41Oh!
20:50I'm sorry, little spider.
20:53If I could trade places with you, I would.
20:59God, this is so hard.