3rd Rock from The Sun 2x16 - Dick on One Knee
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00:0044 across, men are from Mars, women are from, let's see, five letters starting with V, Vegas.
00:13Dick, Dick, look who I met outside. Michel. Michel, you're a girl? No, he's from France.
00:22Hello. Michel asked me to take a picture of him standing next to that statue of General Rufus
00:27Putnam. Oh, did you make him put his finger in the General's nose? Oui. Oui, that means yes.
00:35Le Général a un nez grand, n'est-ce pas? Oh là là , mais bien sûr. Il est froid aussi, non?
00:42Mary, Nina, this is Sally's delightful new French guy, Michel. Marie, Nina, your names could be French.
00:54I took three years of French in high school and I can't remember a thing. No, no, no, I am in America.
01:00I am the one who needs to learn, you know? Okay. Michel, how do you say nice to meet you in French?
01:10Enchanté. Enchanté. Okay, how do you say 5550189? Cinq, cinq, cinq, sept, un, huit, neuf.
01:18Okay, you might want to write that down. Michel, we should be going. It was fantastic to meet you all.
01:28He is so charming. Oh, oui. On my foot, I have a big, powerful, using blister.
01:40A blister!
02:18So, Michel, what time is it in France right now? Four a.m. Wow, it's so early.
02:27You have been so wonderful to Michel. I never meet a woman like you. And you never will again.
02:35You are not only beautiful, you are kind. But more beautiful, right? Yes.
02:42How long are you planning on staying in Rutherford? Sam, I love this place. I would like to stay very much.
02:49But your government is not so nice. Except for Abraham Lincoln. Yes, nice man, very nice man.
02:58But your country is not safe for someone like me. There is only one safe way for me to stay here, kind girl.
03:09I need to get married. Sally, would you marry me?
03:23It's just that nobody has ever asked me that before. Oui.
03:29Oh!
03:35You're what? I'm getting married. Why are you doing this? Two reasons. I'm a woman and he asked me.
03:40Lieutenant, aren't you forgetting something? You're right, the wedding announcement. No, no, the mission.
03:45Dick, this is my mission. It's what women are supposed to do. Get married, have babies, hire total strangers to raise them,
03:51and then wonder where they went wrong. It happened so quickly. How did he know it was time to ask?
03:57He's a man. Men know these things. But I'm a man. Am I missing something?
04:02You? Never. No flies on you. Trust me, I know what I'm doing. Besides, I've dated more than any of you.
04:10But by no stretch of the imagination have you been the most promiscuous?
04:16Trust me, High Commander. Michel's a great guy. Plus, he's loaded.
04:20Look, he's giving me $5,000 he wants to marry me so badly. $2,000 up front and the rest when the deal's done.
04:26As a gift? No, no. Tommy, this is what's known as a dowry. It's an old world marriage custom and Michel is from there.
04:34Maybe if we hold out he'll throw in a goat or two.
04:38The best part of everything is I get to have a wedding, you know? Big white dress, long veil, crappy band.
04:46It'll be a day I'll always remember.
04:49Okay, there's work to be done. Harry, I want you to find me something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue. Go!
04:54Tommy, get me a deal on flowers. Flowers.
04:56Dick, your job is to sit back and just get overwhelmed by the whole process. Okay?
05:07Hi. Can I help you with something?
05:09Yeah, my sister's getting married. She needs flowers.
05:12Anything in mind? Cheap.
05:15You know what? I have a sample bouquet from a wedding we did yesterday. Something like this maybe?
05:22Yeah, yeah, that's nice, but it doesn't really, uh, pop. You know what I'm saying?
05:27I was thinking something maybe a little more like this and maybe a spray of these.
05:31Oh, these are great. Could you hand me the ribbon back there?
05:35No, the ivory.
05:39Now this rocks.
05:41Hey, man, you have quite a knack for this.
05:44Flowers, eh?
05:46Cool.
05:49She's getting married.
05:51Oh, that's so romantic.
05:53She just met him.
05:55I wish I'd have met him first.
05:57Dick, do you have a problem with this?
05:59No, why should I? Sally's fulfilling her purpose as a woman.
06:02Oh, please, Dick. Not every woman feels her life is incomplete until she got a man.
06:08Well, hasn't your life been better since you met me?
06:11Yes, but we've taken the time to learn about each other.
06:16And we've learned a lot.
06:17We've been together over a year. We're not getting married.
06:19Certainly not.
06:20We've never even discussed it.
06:21You've never even brought it up.
06:22Neither have you.
06:23Oh, we're talking about it now.
06:31I have a phone call to make.
06:32Me too.
06:41Whoa, beautiful flowers.
06:42Oh, thanks. I arranged them.
06:44Really? You did a great job.
06:45Don't touch. You don't want to over-bunch the vase.
06:49Each flower has to be allowed to have its own moment.
06:52Oh, yeah, moment.
06:55My Uncle Wally owns a flower shop in Florida.
06:58His roommate, Jasper, helps him run it.
07:02So, you think you'll pass it down to his kids?
07:04No, I think the legacy stopped right there in South Beach.
07:10See, this is the third set of little people you've sent me.
07:13Once again, they bear no resemblance to me or my future husband.
07:17Get it right.
07:21Sally, I got it. Everything you asked for.
07:23Oh, what a relief.
07:29Something old.
07:32A radio, courtesy of the alley.
07:36Something new.
07:37A tub of Vaseline with an unbroken seal.
07:43Something borrowed.
07:44A cup of sea salt from Miss Dupecheck.
07:48And finally, the piece de resistance.
07:52Something blue.
07:53A lifesaver.
07:57Minzy.
07:59That's perfect, Harry.
08:09Those are beautiful.
08:11Oh, thanks.
08:12I was tempted to use willow branches, but they seemed a bit stark.
08:16You're very artistic.
08:18Yeah, I'm sure that's the word.
08:23Hello, Sally.
08:24I heard the news.
08:25Wow.
08:26Happened so suddenly.
08:28Cut to the chase, Mary.
08:29Sally, she thinks you're crazy.
08:31What?
08:32No, I didn't say that.
08:33It's just that I'm concerned.
08:35I want the best for you, and this all happened so quickly.
08:38Mary, you are so transparent.
08:42You're jealous.
08:43What?
08:44You are.
08:45You are!
08:48You want to get married, too.
08:49You do!
08:51Well, sure, when I'm ready.
08:52And you don't think I'm ready?
08:54Well, I just think you should wait.
08:56Until when?
08:57I'm middle-aged and I have to walk out of the bedroom backwards so my husband won't see my ripply butt?
09:05Mary!
09:06That's what you do!
09:12Okay.
09:13I guess this was none of my business.
09:15You're doing it again!
09:18I'm sorry I even tried.
09:20Wait, no, no, no, Dr. Albright, wait, wait, wait.
09:22Look, look.
09:23Just, here.
09:24Sit down here, okay?
09:26It's just that I got so damn arrogant, you know, that I got proposed to.
09:31I mean, it's like I finally got something I can lord over other women.
09:34And that's not right.
09:35No.
09:36No.
09:37I want you to be happy for me, Mary.
09:39I'd like you to be in my wedding.
09:45Bridesmaid?
09:46Better.
09:47I want you to be my maid of honor.
09:49My bitter old maid of honor.
09:57Gentlemen, how do you know when it's time to get married?
10:00Right when that little stick thing turns blue.
10:04I mean, do you get married when the relationship is over?
10:07Do you get married when the relationship stops being about sex and starts becoming deeper?
10:16Deeper than sex?
10:19I just don't know if I'm ready.
10:21Dr. Albright's tightening the old matrimonial chokehold, isn't she?
10:24Oh, I wish.
10:25Unfortunately, she wants to get married.
10:28I guess I'm just going to have to ask her.
10:30Well, why don't you buy yourself some time by giving her an engagement ring?
10:34A ring?
10:35Sure.
10:36Something big and showy, you know?
10:37Proves how much you care for her, and that way you can drag it out for years.
10:42So I just tag her, put her on the shelf so I can pick her up whenever I want?
10:45Like human layaway?
10:50I like it.
10:56I like that one.
10:57It's very you.
10:59Sally, I've been an insensitive clod.
11:02Yeah, I'm used to that by now.
11:04No, no.
11:05Not to you, to Dr. Albright.
11:07Which is why I've decided to ask her to marry me.
11:10Good for you.
11:12And as high commander, my wedding is more important than yours.
11:15So I get to go first.
11:18What?
11:19You horrible, horrible man!
11:22Why do you want to rain on my parade?
11:24The one chance I get to feel special and you want to take it away from me?
11:27I want to be the bride!
11:29Me bride!
11:35Oh!
11:38I'm sorry.
11:39Forgive me.
11:40I'm being selfish.
11:41You're right.
11:42You should go first.
11:43Yeah.
11:44You've already ordered your cake and I haven't even popped the question yet.
11:48Now stop crying.
11:50There's my girl.
11:54And what a big girl you are.
11:58And soon I'll have to give you away to another man.
12:01And what a pretty bride you'll make.
12:04Where are you going, my little one, little one?
12:10Where are you going, my baby, my own?
12:15Turn around and you're tiny.
12:18Turn around and you're grown.
12:21Turn around and you're a young wife with babes of your own.
12:34Do you, Dr. Solomon?
12:36Do me.
12:40You are a great American.
12:42You know, in France it would be very hard to find a man that would accept money for his sister.
12:46And it was impossible in Wisconsin.
12:50She's all yours now.
12:52I bet you can't wait to sleep with her.
12:54Pardon?
12:55You know, the big night.
12:56La nuit grande.
12:58Oh, no, no, no, Professor Solomon.
13:00This is a legal arrangement only.
13:02I will not touch your sister.
13:03No.
13:04You have to.
13:05She's dying to.
13:08Are you positive?
13:09Of course.
13:10It's like those sneaker ads say.
13:11Just do her.
13:18You are a very strange family.
13:22But strange in a way I can accept.
13:27A votre santé.
13:34Oh, uh, don't push.
13:36I'll buzz you in.
13:40Uh, wait to push.
13:43I'll buzz.
13:44Then you push.
13:50Listen to me!
13:53Wait for the buzzer to stop!
13:55Listen to me!
13:58Wait for the buzzer to stop!
14:10And they wonder why old downtown Rutherford is dead.
14:12You can't get into the stores!
14:19Good morning, sir.
14:20Lovely day.
14:22Yes, yes.
14:23Is there something I can show you?
14:24Oh, engagement rings.
14:25For women.
14:26Oh, excellent.
14:27Excellent.
14:28Diamond engagements are right over here.
14:31Um, we'll start small.
14:33Oh, this one looks nice.
14:35How much is it?
14:36Ah, that one is $3,000.
14:41For a diamond?
14:42Where I come from, we use the big ones for door stops.
14:45Sir, you mustn't think in terms of price.
14:48The ring is a symbol.
14:50A symbol?
14:51Yes, the circular shape represents never-ending love.
14:54Circular shape.
14:57Great.
14:58I'll give her my watch!
15:12Knickers?
15:13They're crushed velvet.
15:16Do you like them?
15:19I made them.
15:22Tommy, kiss me.
15:28Uh, do you want to go out to the Rambler?
15:31There's a few minutes before this whole procession begins.
15:34No, I was just checking something.
15:37Hey!
15:38Hey, don't start the motor unless you're ready to cut the grass!
15:47Oh, Sally!
15:49You look so beautiful!
15:51So exquisite!
15:53So...boot!
15:56You, my lucky lady, are in charge of that train.
16:03Hey, Eric!
16:06Um...
16:08Who's that?
16:09Sally, meet Blind Joe Slocum.
16:12He's old, I borrowed him from the Tip Top Club,
16:15and he plays the blues.
16:17Okay, so what do you have that's new?
16:19He's my new friend.
16:22So, are you with the bride's family or the groom's?
16:25Neither, I'm with the Immigration and Naturalization Service.
16:28Reason to believe that there's an illegal alien in the wedding party.
16:32Really?
16:40Mary!
16:41There's something I've got to ask you before this whole thing starts.
16:44Oh, Dick, not again!
16:45You're on Sally's left, and remember, no skipping down the aisle!
16:52Can I borrow a toothbrush?
16:54There's the most adorable man out there with the government.
16:57He's looking for aliens.
16:58Ah!
17:02Thank you, Miss Dupchick.
17:03Now go out there and hypnotize him with your feminine wiles.
17:07Yeah, I'm gonna follow you.
17:10Family meeting!
17:11Family meeting!
17:13Ah!
17:14Uh, where?
17:15Are you sure?
17:16I've got to see Michelle!
17:17Now!
17:20Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!
17:24What's going on?
17:26They're white.
17:27Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!
17:32I'm so sorry, Michelle, but I can't marry you.
17:36What?
17:37I'm sorry.
17:38But I need to get married. They'll send me back. I'm an alien.
17:42What?
17:43I'm an alien!
17:46Wow, okay.
17:48See, this is never gonna work, because I'm an alien, too.
17:53Then what is the point of this?
17:54I don't know.
17:56Then give me back my money.
17:57Well, I can't. I spent it on the dress.
18:00Pull yourself together, man!
18:03Listen, somebody's here looking for you. Now come with us and we'll protect you.
18:06No! No, no, no, no, no! I am sick of you and your crazy people! Crazy people!
18:11You crazy!
18:15Come on, Albright.
18:42Oh, Mary! We're leaving town. No particular reason, you know. Call of the road.
18:49Oh, Dick, you shouldn't be embarrassed. Michelle's the one who got arrested.
18:52Look out, Michelle!
18:55Yeah, that guy from immigration.
18:57It was an ugly fight. The French tend to kick a lot when frightened.
19:02Immigration?
19:03Yeah.
19:04Oh, yeah.
19:05Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
19:06Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
19:07Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
19:08Yeah, yeah, yeah.
19:09Yeah, yeah, yeah.
19:10Immigration?
19:12Yeah, they said they'll be sending him back to France in the morning.
19:16Of course! He's from another country!
19:19That's why he's an alien!
19:21Alien from France.
19:23Not a quivering purple tube from a distant galaxy sent to study humankind.
19:28What? I said not.
19:32I'm sorry, Sally.
19:34It's all right, you know. I got the cake, I got the dress, I got almost all the way to the altar.
19:38But you didn't get married.
19:39I know, but what the heck?
19:41Hey, as long as we're all dressed up, who wants to go bowling?
19:44Tommy, Harry, grab my train.
19:48You made a beautiful bride.
19:50She'll make a beautiful bowler.
19:53Mary.
19:58There's something I've been wanting to ask you for several days now.
20:02I've thought about it long and hard, and I know it's the right thing to do.
20:05The right thing to do, Mary?
20:08Will you wear my watch?
20:14I can't wear this.
20:17Oh, I see.
20:19I thought it's what you wanted.
20:21It's just too big.
20:24I know it's a big step, but don't you think that maybe someday you might want to wear it?
20:30Well...
20:31Maybe, if...
20:33If I gain a lot of weight.
20:39Cake?
20:51Some white irises, Gerber daisies, and a sprig of eucalyptus for balance and scent.
20:58Cool, whatcha doing?
20:59Yeah, I'm making a centerpiece for the football team.
21:03Really?
21:04Yeah, it'll go great on their training table.
21:06I can't wait to see their faces when they see this, baby.
21:13It's fun to stay at the Y, yeah.