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00:00Dick, I need a favor.
00:14Not now, Tommy. I'm doing research.
00:16I'm finding out what happens when the spit hits the fan.
00:18No, Dick!
00:21Look, this is important.
00:23Take a look at this.
00:25Actors on acting?
00:27Yeah. You know how you're always trying to find new ways to explore the human feelings?
00:31Using your emotional memory, the search for emotional truth will stimulate your emotional juices.
00:37Emotional juices?
00:39I love my juices! This is exciting!
00:41Yeah, I knew you'd like it. That's why I volunteered you to direct our school play.
00:44Me direct? As in control?
00:46Yeah, it's Romeo and Juliet.
00:48August wants to play Juliet, and if you direct, you can cast me as Romeo.
00:51I'll do it!
00:54That's so great, because there are some major make-out scenes.
00:58And also some really powerful emotional stuff.
01:01I get to die.
01:04I can just see it now. On the marquee.
01:06Dick Solomon directs a Dick Solomon production of Dick Solomon's Romeo and Juliet.
01:11Yeah, whatever.
01:14Naturally, an actor must play the truth of the scene and not indulge in emotion for its own sake.
01:19Well, anyone knows that.
01:21I didn't know you were interested in acting.
01:23Well, yes I am, but what I really want to do is direct.
01:27I'm not saying that I couldn't act. I could be very convincing.
01:30Light comedy?
01:34Horror?
01:36Tragedy?
01:40Look, Mary, I'm distraught!
01:45Or am I?
01:47Okay, you have a registered letter.
01:49Oh, what is it?
01:53Damn!
01:55Damn, damn, damn!
01:57I owe $1,500 in parking tickets!
02:00So they finally caught up with you.
02:03Guess I'll have to dip into my savings.
02:05Oh, no, no. I couldn't bear to let you do that. I'll pay them.
02:08You will?
02:09No! I'm acting!
02:19I'm acting!
02:21I'm acting!
02:46It's too soon.
02:49Fall and resolve itself.
02:53Dick! Dick!
02:55Yes, what?
02:56Miss Dubcek's giving me a whole lot of old junk.
02:58Yeah.
02:59Yeah, I got some friends dropping by I haven't seen in ten years.
03:03I'm planning out the place.
03:04There's some really great stuff in here.
03:08Dr. Solomon, if you want to come down, I'll let you rummage through my church keys.
03:12Oh, I'm flattered, Mrs. Dubcek, but I think of you more as a friend.
03:19What are you watching?
03:20Oh, it's Hamlet with Lawrence Oliver.
03:23I've watched it three times already.
03:25Hmm. I like the way he makes his voice go up and down like that.
03:29I know. It makes everything he says sound so...
03:32Fruity?
03:34No, important!
03:37Hey, guys.
03:38Huh?
03:39You still watching that stuff?
03:40It's not stuff. It's Hamlet.
03:42Well, yeah, but why do they have to talk that way? I mean, I can't follow the story.
03:45Hamlet, the story is as old as time.
03:48Pretty boy's son is a rich daddy and a good-looking mommy.
03:51The uncle knocks off daddy, marries mommy, and he cuts pretty boy out of the action.
03:57So Junior goes crazy and he kills them all.
04:00Not a pretty story, but there it is.
04:08Isn't that the plot to The Lion King?
04:12Kyle, please!
04:15I need your help, Don. I'm in a bit of a scrape.
04:18Figures. Dames like you always attract trouble.
04:21I got another parking ticket.
04:23Can you fix it, Don, or am I leaning too hard?
04:29Go ahead and lean, baby.
04:31Don will make the ticket go away.
04:33What? You can make parking tickets disappear?
04:36Of course he can. Don has connections downtown.
04:38Well, I have a friend who has some parking tickets.
04:41I can't always...
04:42I can fix it, right?
04:43Well, uh...
04:44Right?
04:45Sure.
04:46Oh, this is just great!
04:48Oh, I can't wait to tell Mary.
05:08Some of you will not be cast.
05:11Those will be the lucky ones.
05:14Over the long and grueling rehearsal period,
05:16I will be your director, your teacher, your mentor,
05:18your mother, your father, your lover!
05:23My assistant, Nina...
05:26We'll read your names, Nina.
05:27Okay, um...
05:29Timothy Mafferty, he's reading Mercutio.
05:33True, I talk of dreams which are but...
05:35Yes, yes, yes, of course.
05:37But have you tried it like this?
05:39Make your voice go high and then suddenly bring it down.
05:43Here I go.
05:44True, I speak of dreams which are but children of an idle brain.
05:49Begotten of nothing but vain fantasy.
05:53From now on, I want everyone to try to speak that way.
05:55Oh, and use your hands a lot.
05:57We're acting. Remember that.
06:05He was touched by an anvil.
06:10Remind me never to ask you for another favor again.
06:12You weren't right for the role.
06:14Hey, how'd the audition go?
06:15I lost the part.
06:16The director didn't think I was good enough.
06:18You were good.
06:19You had delivery, presence, timing.
06:21You just didn't have that indefinable something extra.
06:24I was just trying to score some points with my girlfriend.
06:27Is that too much to ask?
06:28Romeo and Juliet is a Shakespearean tragedy.
06:31It has nothing to do with a horny teenager and his girlfriend.
06:39Go ahead, Dr. Albright.
06:41Hello, Don.
06:42Dr. Solomon thought you might be able to help me with this.
06:45Well, I have been known to bend a few...
06:50You have $1,500 in fines.
06:51And poof, they're gone.
06:53I can't poof this many tickets.
06:55One more and she'd be in handcuffs.
06:57I was going to pay them.
06:59What happened?
07:00I didn't.
07:02Well, maybe if you got a lenient judge,
07:04he might reduce the fine.
07:06Your court date is on the 27th.
07:09The 27th of...
07:11Judge DeBelco.
07:13Sounds bad. Is it bad?
07:15It's bad.
07:16You'd be better off with Judge Conte.
07:18Now, when I go to court,
07:19should I apologize to Judge Conte
07:21or just show some remorse?
07:23Actually, it might be helpful if you show some cleavage.
07:27I can't be serious.
07:28Trust me.
07:29We're going to paint your face and hike your puppies.
07:31I know what I'm doing. Right, Don?
07:33Good, good.
07:36Oh, Romeo.
07:37Romeo, wherefore art thou...
07:39Yes, yes, very lovely.
07:46Darling, what are you playing?
07:48Fear, love, lust?
07:49Because the audience is playing boredom.
07:53I'm playing Juliet,
07:54and it's really hard for me to concentrate when you...
07:56Props! Where's props?
07:58What?
07:59I understood.
08:00It's 18th century English.
08:03Shakespeare was English.
08:05True.
08:06But the play is set in Verona.
08:08Please, Tommy, I'm struggling to wring a performance
08:10out of this rag-tag company of mannequins
08:12from the Junior Miss Department.
08:13I can't do your job.
08:14In the future, I suggest you read the play.
08:17Now, everyone watch once again
08:18as I act out the play in its entirety.
08:23Nina, Nina.
08:25Read me in.
08:27Curtain rises.
08:28A big pompous blowhard flounces onto the stage.
08:41Listen, I'm really sorry you had to be the prop guy,
08:45because, you know, if you were cast as Romeo,
08:48we could have done some serious making out.
08:52We could make out right now.
08:56With the prop guy?
08:57Ha! Sorry.
09:02Hey, what you making?
09:04An authentic Renaissance sleeping potion.
09:06Now I just have to find a 15th century Italian vial.
09:09Oh, well, I find the Galileo vial.
09:18Well, this is the final box.
09:21I am beat.
09:22Oh, thank you. You want some juice?
09:24Oh, please.
09:25I have to introduce you to my friends when they drop by.
09:28They're lovely, very nice.
09:30There's Diane and her husband and Jimmy.
09:38Jimmy's an old flame.
09:39I knew he'd come back for more.
09:42Come back for more what?
09:45I said come back for more what?
09:49Ah!
09:53Oh, great. You let her drink the prop?
09:56Well, at least we know it works.
10:06I beg for justice.
10:08Which vial prince must give?
10:10Romeo suitibilt.
10:11Romeo must not live.
10:13No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
10:19You are Lady Capulet.
10:21Your kinsman Tybalt has been killed.
10:23He's dead.
10:24You're asking for justice,
10:25not extra pickles on your happy burger.
10:27Justice.
10:29You're supposed to act, not beat.
10:30Just act now, act.
10:32I can't act, Dr. Fowler.
10:35Yes, you can.
10:36I can't, I can't act.
10:40Use your lines now, now.
10:42I beg for justice.
10:44Which vial prince must give?
10:47I beg for justice.
10:49Which vial prince must give?
10:52Romeo suitibilt.
10:54Romeo must not live.
11:04I want everyone to take a good look at Cheryl.
11:09Because Cheryl is an actor.
11:15Hello?
11:16Yes, ma'am.
11:18Hello, Dr. Albright?
11:20This is Sergeant...
11:24This is a friend.
11:26With a message.
11:27Don't come to court today.
11:29There's been a change in plans.
11:33Yes.
11:34Dr. Mary Albright?
11:37Here you are.
11:47Sally, didn't you get my messages?
11:49What messages?
11:50They switched judges.
11:51I've been calling all morning.
11:53You're charged with $1,500 in outstanding fines.
11:56How do you plead?
11:58All I can say is I'm so sorry.
12:02And I threw myself on the mercy of the court.
12:06Really.
12:07Dr. Albright, will you please approach this bench?
12:11You have a very big bench.
12:15I don't know what this little charade is about.
12:18We're trying to influence you.
12:20Sergeant, please remove that woman.
12:22Doesn't he know who you are?
12:23You have a gun to un-use it!
12:28Dr. Albright, you have influenced this court.
12:31I am fining you the full amount,
12:33plus court costs, plus $500 for contempt.
12:38$500 for contempt.
12:41Next.
12:42But you're under...
12:43Next.
12:47Thank you so much.
12:48The one time that I could help the woman I love
12:50and your friend Don falls through.
12:52It was just an ironic twist of fate.
12:53Don't blame Don.
12:54I don't want you hanging around that police station anymore.
12:56You hear me?
12:57Fine, I'll go to his place.
12:58No, you won't.
12:59Yes, I will.
13:00Hold it right there.
13:01I'm not finished with you yet.
13:03Oh, Mrs. Dubcek, would you mind?
13:08Oh, my God.
13:09She's dead.
13:12Oh, what is it?
13:13Oh, her.
13:15She's not dead.
13:16But she's cold.
13:17She's not breathing.
13:19Oh, you guys, she's fine.
13:21She drank the potion.
13:23The sleeping potion.
13:25From Romeo and Juliet.
13:27I guess we can take her downstairs until she comes to.
13:30Harry, get her feet.
13:31Sally, help with the door.
13:35Hi, baby, it's almost...
13:37Barricade, barricade.
13:39Who are those people?
13:41Oh, well, it's Diane and her husband and Jimmy,
13:44an old flame coming back for more.
13:48This is just great.
13:49Didn't you make an antidote?
13:50Hmm, is there one in the play?
13:52If they see her like this, the spit is really going to hit the fan.
13:56What are we going to do?
13:57Wait, I have a brilliant idea.
13:59Harry, did you know that in the theater of Shakespeare's day,
14:02the women's roles were played by men?
14:04Really?
14:05Yeah, they ate up bears and threw rocks at them.
14:09It's the role of a lifetime, Harry, an actor's dream.
14:12Come on, let's get her in the bathroom.
14:14I don't want to.
14:16You can't pass Harry off as Mrs. Doopchick.
14:18They'll know.
14:19Ah, you forget?
14:20They haven't seen her in over ten years.
14:22Besides, Harry has a secret weapon.
14:24What?
14:25A great director.
14:27Hello, is anybody home?
14:29Uh, no, nobody's here.
14:31Look, why don't we go into the living room, okay?
14:33All right, move along, yeah, faster.
14:35Okay, right there.
14:37Why don't you take a seat, make yourself comfortable.
14:39I can't believe she got somebody to pay rent for this crap hole.
14:44Yeah, every month.
14:46And we just love Mrs. Doopchick.
14:48Oh.
14:49Even more since the accident.
14:52Accident?
14:53Yes.
14:54Changed her considerably.
14:57And she refused the estrogen therapy.
15:01But, uh, don't mention it to her.
15:03She's very sensitive.
15:04Is there a bathroom around here?
15:06No, no, we use the one at the gas station.
15:08Yeah.
15:10Uh, excuse me, I'll be right back.
15:12Talk to them.
15:13Why is it taking so long?
15:15Whoa.
15:16Mama, do you mind?
15:18An actor needs time to prepare.
15:19I don't think I can do this.
15:21It's all right, dear.
15:22It's showtime.
15:23Now, let's go.
15:24Oh, and Harry, remember.
15:25You're going out there a youngster, but you're coming back a star.
15:28Now, let's go.
15:31Oh.
15:47Mamie, honey.
15:51Well.
15:53I see you've met my tenant.
15:55Oh, yes.
15:56We love Mrs. Doopchick.
15:58Hi, Mamie.
16:00Lovely tattoo.
16:01Very nice.
16:05I don't blame you for being distant.
16:07Not after what we went through.
16:09She and Jimmy used to be engaged.
16:11Oh, you're Jimmy.
16:13She mentioned you just the other evening.
16:18I just wanted to say thanks for kicking me out all those years ago.
16:22That was the wake-up call that finally got me off the source.
16:25Oh.
16:27Forgive me?
16:28Sure.
16:37Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!
16:44I'm sorry.
16:45She had something crawling up her chin.
16:48Why don't you all go downstairs and get reacquainted?
16:51Mrs. Doopchick.
16:53There we are.
16:54Bye-bye now.
16:55Bye-bye.
16:56Bye-bye now.
16:59Manhandle me again and you'll have 30, Jimmy.
17:08We're breathing.
17:10We're breathing.
17:13All right.
17:14Which one of you jemokes a Solomon?
17:19That would be I.
17:20You're out.
17:21Out?
17:22Who are you?
17:23I'm Coach Mafferty.
17:24My wife's with the PTA.
17:25And there's a lot of complaints that these kids are coming home with low self-esteem
17:28and they're wet in their beds and stuff like that.
17:30So you're looking at the new director.
17:32This is unacceptable.
17:34Sorry, Spielberg, you're out.
17:36No, no.
17:37Do not weep for me.
17:39I humbly quit the stage.
17:41No, no.
17:42No tears.
17:44The theater is a cruel mistress.
17:46Adieu, adieu.
17:48Remember me.
17:52Okay, kids, let's huddle up.
17:55All right, let's back it up.
17:56I pray you're good, Mercutio.
17:58Let's retire.
17:59Okay, now who's playing Mercutio?
18:01Coach Mafferty, if I may.
18:04I think there is someone here who can play Mercutio.
18:11I am hurt.
18:13Aye, aye, a scratch, a scratch.
18:16Marriage is enough.
18:17We'll serve.
18:19Ask for me tomorrow and you will find me a grave, man.
18:26Romeo, grave Mercutio is dead.
18:29The plague of both your houses.
18:31They have made worms meat of me.
18:37Romeo.
18:38I have it.
18:39And sound it too.
18:41Your houses.
18:51I'm dead now.
18:55I'm dead now.
19:06Well, here it is.
19:07The review in my high school paper.
19:08The reviews?
19:10Coach Mafferty directs August Lefler,
19:11lover of Juliet, sets for water.
19:14Dick Solomon's over-the-top performance
19:19gave new meaning to the word tragedy.
19:25I have redefined my art and so I retire.
19:29No.
19:30No, no, please, please.
19:31To go any further would jeopardize the mission.
19:32Tommy, hang up my codpiece.
19:35Dick, I'm not your prop lackey anymore.
19:38Besides, as of next month,
19:39your codpiece turns into Sancho Panza's hat.
19:44I wonder what Don's doing.
19:46Don?
19:47I never want to hear the name Don
19:48mentioned in this house again.
19:49Now that's an order.
19:51Hi there.
19:55What am I doing in the room?
19:57You know, we were about to ask you the same thing.
20:00You should be inside.
20:02Mrs. Douchek, let us help you in.
20:05Oh, Don.
20:07Don.
20:08Why should the name Don make Dick so angry?
20:12Sally.
20:14Who's there?
20:15I would tell you,
20:16but my name is so offensive to your family
20:18if I dare not speak it aloud.
20:21Don, if they found you,
20:22there's no telling what they'd do to you.
20:24I'm okay.
20:25I have night's cloak to hide me from their eyes.
20:29And if thou love me,
20:30let them find me here.
20:32My life were better ended by their hate
20:34than death-prolonged
20:36wanting of thy love.
20:40Wow, that's so romantic.
20:44I wrote it myself.
20:46Don.
20:53I've asked you back here for a reason.
20:55You seem like an intelligent woman,
20:57so I'm going to make you an offer.
20:59I will lower the fines,
21:00remove the contempt charge,
21:02and eliminate the court costs on one condition.
21:05You have to promise me
21:07that you will spend the weekend with me
21:09at a hotel in Chicago.
21:12The Ambassador East.
21:14The Sheraton.
21:16No.