3rd Rock from The Sun 2x10 - Gobble, Gobble, Dick, Dick
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00:00The big day is tomorrow, and these turkeys seem to know what's coming their way.
00:19It's the end of the world!
00:21Wait, wait! What's going on?
00:23There's a terrible crisis. We were at the store, and the place was a madhouse. People were cramming everything they could into their carts, especially these giant balls of butter.
00:34I got one for each of us.
00:36I'm telling you, something is up. The radio said the airports were jammed with people trying to get out of town.
00:41As a matter of fact, I just saw a report on a turkey ranch, and those birds were talking apocalypse.
00:45Apocalypse?
00:47Well, more like apoca-wocalypse.
00:50What does this all mean?
00:51Well, I have a thought. We're all gonna die!
00:55Let's not panic. Tonight, we'll turn off the lights and hunker down in the kitchen. Tomorrow morning, I'll make a run to the university and find out what's going on. Police and secure the perimeter.
01:03What?
01:04Lock the doors!
01:08Hello? Hello? Mary! Mary! Mary! What have they done to your hair? Speak to me, Mary!
01:21Dr. Solomon, what are you doing here?
01:24I'm trying to find Mary, but she's probably already dead!
01:28Are you sure she's not home eating a big meal, celebrating the holiday?
01:34Holiday? What do you mean, holiday?
01:37It's Thanksgiving.
01:39Oh, so it's not the apocalypse.
01:42What did you call it?
01:44Thanksgiving.
01:46You should be home with your loved ones around a dinner table, giving thanks for what you've got.
01:52Why are you here?
01:54Yeah, well, I took St. Patrick's Day off.
01:58For six months.
02:01So Mary isn't dead?
02:03Probably not.
02:04She's giving thanks.
02:05That's right.
02:06With her loved one?
02:07Yeah.
02:08But, but, but that's me!
02:10Go on home, have a beer, take a nap.
02:14You'll feel like a human being.
02:16Well, of course I will, because that's what I am.
02:19A human being.
02:22Overlooking the holidays is simply human error!
02:41Take care.
03:04Oh, Dick, we gotta get out of here!
03:07It's gotten worse! They stopped delivering the mail!
03:09Of course they have.
03:11Someone's taking over the airwaves! There's a terrifying parade on every channel!
03:14Of course there is.
03:16I got the gnome! I got the gnome!
03:18Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Slow down there, speedboat.
03:23It's just Thanksgiving.
03:25Thanksgiving?
03:26Thanksgiving. It's a holiday.
03:28Like Big Giant Head Day?
03:31Similar, except nobody gets thrown into the sun.
03:35It's a national holiday. Everybody gets to take the day off.
03:38Great!
03:39Except for Sally.
03:40What?
03:41She has to go into the kitchen and make an enormous feast.
03:44Great. Our first holiday on earth and I gotta cook.
03:47And then, after we eat, we have to give thanks.
03:51To me? For cooking?
03:54Oh, Sally.
03:57No.
03:58You have to give thanks for something bigger, something more important.
04:02Something like, well, not this, but something like how good-looking I am.
04:08Maybe if we just run it through, it'll hit us.
04:10Why should we run through anything?
04:12I called Mary. She's coming over.
04:14What if we get it wrong? It'll give us away.
04:16Look, Nick. When we first landed on this planet, we didn't know squat.
04:20We didn't even know what the word squat meant.
04:23We had to find out the hard way.
04:25I've heard.
04:27All we have to do is find a human example and follow it.
04:30Hello, hello, everybody.
04:32This is Duke Jack.
04:33Close enough.
04:35Happy Thanksgiving, everybody. This is my daughter, Vicky.
04:38Oh, I didn't know Miss Duke Jack had a...
04:43I mean, hello.
04:48Hi. You have great hair.
04:50So, uh, what are you ladies doing for Thanksgiving?
04:54We're going after the beef and griddle.
04:56No, you're not. You're coming over to our house to help us.
04:59Uh, uh, celebrate.
05:00Yeah, because we don't know what we're doing.
05:02Uh, uh, uh, celebrate.
05:05What do you say, Vic?
05:07I say what the hell.
05:09Then what the hell it is.
05:16Turkey.
05:17No turkey.
05:18Turkey.
05:19No turkey.
05:20Turkey.
05:22No turkey.
05:25Oh, Harry, you've got a real childlike innocence about you.
05:28It's very sexy.
05:32Turkey.
05:35Wow, this is the ugliest lingerie I've ever seen.
05:39But buckles.
05:42Oh, that? No, that's just a costume I wore
05:45in a Thanksgiving play I did in junior high.
05:48I was a pilgrim.
05:50And every time I wore it,
05:52I put everybody in the Thanksgiving mood.
06:03Tommy.
06:04What?
06:05You heard what she said.
06:07Forget it, Dick. I'm not putting that thing on.
06:09Once again, you let us down.
06:10What are you talking about?
06:11You're the information officer.
06:12You should have prepped us for this holiday weeks ago,
06:14and now you won't wear the costume.
06:16Is there any end to your treachery?
06:18Look, Dick, if it's not a holiday,
06:20why don't you just take the day off my back?
06:22Oh, I will.
06:23I will not allow my disappointment in you
06:25to destroy this festival,
06:26even though the costume would put us all in the Thanksgiving mood.
06:29Yeah, well, it'll put me in the crappy mood.
06:31Everybody's in the crappy mood.
06:32Now, come on, put it on!
06:33No!
06:34Put it on!
06:35No!
06:36Happy Thanksgiving!
06:37Oh, happy Thanksgiving, Mary.
06:39Put it on!
06:40No!
06:41Ever since we got here,
06:42I can't do anything right for you.
06:43Why is that?
06:44Don't you use that tone of voice with me, old man.
06:46I'm going for a walk.
06:47Oh, fine!
06:48And don't come back until you're damn ready
06:50to sit down with your family and have fun!
07:02Uh...
07:03Dupecheck, so what am I supposed to do with this thing?
07:06You stick your hand right up there and yank out its guts.
07:11What's the point? It's already dead.
07:14That's how it's done.
07:15All right.
07:17Sally, look who's here.
07:19I thought you might need a little help cooking.
07:21Why?
07:22Don't you think she's ever cooked a Thanksgiving dinner before?
07:24Is that what you think?
07:25Yeah, you don't think I've ever cooked a Thanksgiving dinner before?
07:27No, I didn't say that.
07:29Because Thanksgiving is not new to us.
07:30And we're certainly not new to Thanksgiving.
07:34So, when's dinner?
07:35Three o'clock?
07:36Today?
07:37Three!
07:38On the dot.
07:39All right, move it.
07:40Uh, uh, dupecheck, take out the relish tray,
07:42and Mary...
07:43Hold this.
07:44Oh!
07:47Okay, now, does the fork go on the right or on the left?
07:50Well...
07:52This goes here.
07:55This goes here.
07:59And this goes here.
08:07Are those the rules?
08:10Oh, forget about the rules, Harry.
08:12Just put whatever you want wherever you want to put it.
08:17Can I put my shirts in my underwear drawer?
08:23Go wild.
08:25Okay.
08:36Maybe you should rub it with a little margarine before you put it in.
08:39You heard the woman. Rub that bird.
08:42And I don't think so. All it needs is a little salt.
08:45No margarine. Heavy on the salt.
08:46If you want the skin to crisp...
08:48Want skin crisp now!
08:51Want you dead now!
08:56Dick, my grandmother had a saying.
08:59Get out of the kitchen before I burn you with a hot spoon.
09:04Your grandmother had a rapier wit.
09:10Dick, get out of the kitchen!
09:14And she was mean, too.
09:21Are you open?
09:22Of course we're open. It's Thanksgiving.
09:34Excuse me. This game's not three-dimensional, is it?
09:39Yeah. You want to play some 8-Ball?
09:42What's 8-Ball?
09:43Don't worry. We're not very good, either.
09:50Harry, you should see the beautiful turkey Sally has in the kitchen.
09:53Oh, there's a turkey here?
09:54It's enormous!
09:55I want to see it!
10:00You murdered it!
10:06Although we are very familiar with this tradition, it never ceases to appall us.
10:19Well, I did it.
10:22Here it is, folks.
10:24The perfect turkey.
10:30Shouldn't we wait for Tommy?
10:33We're starting without him.
10:35But I poured some grape juice in a wine glass.
10:38Who's going to sit at the kids' table?
10:42Doesn't matter.
10:43Fine. Okay. Thanksgiving's ruined. Hack away.
10:47No, no, no.
10:48I couldn't make the first hack.
10:50Mary, you hack.
10:54Before we hack the turkey, shouldn't someone give thanks?
11:04Here we all are, gathered together for a completely authentic Thanksgiving dinner.
11:10Perfect in every way.
11:12I just want to say I am thankful that we are all here to feast on this dead bird.
11:18We're not all here.
11:20Tommy's not here.
11:21Thank you so much for bringing that up.
11:23Thank you, thank you, thank you.
11:25Don't worry, Tommy will be back.
11:28Hi.
11:29Uh, excuse me.
11:30I'd like to add a little something, if I may.
11:33Uh, I just feel that this year I have so much to be thankful for.
11:39That thing under my armpit went away.
11:49And when I was working at Walmart and that big stack of boxes fell on me,
11:52well, I got workman's comp for eight months.
11:56That's twice as much as my normal salary, so...
12:00I guess you'd have to say that God has been very, very good to me.
12:09Let's eat!
12:11Let's eat!
12:16You know, I left because they don't appreciate me.
12:18And I do a lot for those guys.
12:20Six ball corner puck.
12:21I mean, they just don't understand how difficult it is to be a kid.
12:25I mean, I do a lot at home, but you have to have a life outside work too, you know?
12:28Seven ball side pocket.
12:30I mean, occasionally I screw up.
12:32I'm only trying to be human, but whatever I do, it's never enough for those people.
12:36Eight ball three banks back pocket.
12:38You know what I mean?
12:46That's good.
12:48Tommy.
12:50They're hard on you because they love you.
12:52At least you've got somebody.
12:54My father used to take me out to the shed every Friday, whether I deserved it or not.
12:58Why?
13:00Because he cared.
13:02He just wanted to make me strong, that's all.
13:06I should go home and thank him.
13:09Why don't you?
13:10I can't afford to.
13:11You've got all my money.
13:15Here, take it. Go home.
13:18Tommy, man!
13:19You're the best!
13:23I love you, man!
13:27Hey, Frank.
13:28Hold on.
13:30Hi, Dad.
13:32It's Francis.
13:35What are you doing?
13:46What are you doing?
13:48It's tradition.
13:54I like it.
13:57Oh!
13:59Oh, oh, oh.
14:03What's the matter with us, Harry?
14:07I'm getting drowsy.
14:10I can't fight it.
14:12I feel like I'm going to explode.
14:16I'm going to ex-plode.
14:26Stay with me, Harry.
14:28I'll save you.
14:29No!
14:30Save yourself!
14:31Oh!
14:32Oh!
14:33Harry!
14:34Oh!
14:35Harry!
14:36Can you hear me?
14:38Harry!
14:39Oh!
14:40Oh!
14:41Oh!
14:42Oh!
14:43Oh!
14:44Oh!
14:45Oh!
14:46It's Dick!
14:48Come back to me!
14:49Come back to me, Harry!
14:50Dick?
14:51Harry!
14:53Talk to me!
14:55What's for dessert?
14:58Oh!
15:04Wow, your mother's refrigerator is far more spacious than ours.
15:08Did you get enough to eat pumpkin?
15:11Well, that depends on what you're talking about.
15:16And what do you think I'm talking about?
15:20Yams.
15:24Oh, I got yams for you.
15:28Ha!
15:33Don't you want to put a little mini-marshmallow on that?
15:41Oh!
15:46Oh!
15:49Oh!
15:52Oh!
15:58Oh!
16:07Oh!
16:11Oh!
16:17Oh!
16:27No, Dick, that wasn't a Yahtzee, that was two of a kind.
16:54Yahtzee.
16:55No, that's not a Yahtzee.
16:57Yahtzee, five in a row.
16:59They lost the instructions.
17:01Tommy knows how to play.
17:02Well, Tommy's not here.
17:04Yahtzee.
17:06It's too bad.
17:07He would have really liked my stuffing.
17:09Well, he should have put on the Pilgrim costume.
17:11Why didn't you put on the Pilgrim costume?
17:13I mean, you're the one who wanted to show off
17:14and have a big, stupid Thanksgiving.
17:15That's not why I had a big, stupid Thanksgiving.
17:17I did it for all of you.
17:18Oh, admit it, Dick.
17:19Everything is about you.
17:20Well, what about you?
17:21You had a good time.
17:22Oh, yeah, if you call spending the whole day in the kitchen
17:24and jabbermouth a good time.
17:26Hey, one of those jabbermouths is his girlfriend.
17:29Yeah.
17:30I have had it with all of you.
17:31This holiday is over.
17:32Oh, I see.
17:33Well, now I have something to give thanks for.
17:36Thanks for nothing.
17:43This is why I go to the beef and griddle.
17:47Oh!
17:52I've never felt this way before.
17:55I've never felt this sticky before.
18:01Harry, I got to go home to Orlando tomorrow.
18:06But I'll be back.
18:09You know, I like you, Harry.
18:11You're not like the other guys.
18:15No, ma'am.
18:19Do you, uh, do you think we could make it work?
18:22Oh, I don't know.
18:23I'm pretty tired.
18:26I meant us, Harry.
18:28Ah.
18:29I definitely think that us could work.
18:34Me, too.
18:37Your family's a little strange, though.
18:39Ah, your mother's Ms. Doopchick.
18:45Oh, Mary, I'm so sorry about everything.
18:49What?
18:50Oh, the tension, the fighting, the lumpy gravy.
18:53Yeah.
18:54You give and you give and you give
18:56until you just can't give anymore.
18:58Mm.
18:59Same thing happens at my house.
19:03This happens at your house?
19:05Why, should my house be any different
19:07than 99% of all the homes in America?
19:10Well, what about the other 1%?
19:14Connecticut.
19:17Hey, guys.
19:18Norman, you're back.
19:21Oh, I'll leave you two alone.
19:25Sorry I left like that.
19:27No, that's all right.
19:28I don't think it was your fault.
19:30Yeah, I found out something pretty cool.
19:32You know how you try to make this a special day
19:34but all the resentment I have for you came spewing out
19:36and we end up spending the whole day avoiding each other?
19:39Yeah.
19:40It's normal.
19:41I was going to tell you the same thing.
19:43The screaming, the fighting, the exploding resentments,
19:46that's what Thanksgiving is.
19:48So we did get it right.
19:49Nailed it.
19:50Oh, yeah.
20:00Tommy.
20:02Tommy.
20:09I've never felt so content.
20:12I look around this room
20:13and I see nothing but familiar faces.
20:16Well, some are more familiar than others.
20:18I barely know you.
20:21But it doesn't matter because tonight
20:24you're all family
20:26and this has been the perfect Thanksgiving.
20:28And now for the perfect dessert.
20:30Surprise!
20:39Well, I...
20:40I guess not everyone likes Jell-O.
20:49Listen, Dick.
20:50We better not let another one of these big holidays sneak up on us.
20:53Oh, don't worry, Lieutenant.
20:54After this one, there couldn't possibly be another one for months.
20:58You know, after cooking that huge dinner tonight,
21:01I think I deserve a break.
21:03What do you plan to do?
21:04I think tomorrow I'm going to spend a nice, peaceful day at the mall.
21:10Really?
21:11I hear there's a sale.
21:13Really?
21:14Goody.