Magnificent Evans - 103 [couchtripper][U]
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00:30The journal of Rachel Harris, being the day-to-day doings of the photographic assistant and live-in
00:59fiancée of Plantagenet Evans, photographer and bon viveur.
01:11I've worked under his aegis for three years almost, and I think it may now be safely said
01:16that I'm getting the hang of it. I devote my entire life to him, and in return he gives
01:23me tenderness, promises of marriage, and just enough for the housekeeping. I have my own
01:30apartment where I snuggle up in the privacy of my own bed, to reflect upon my happy life
01:39spent in such close proximity with a genius. Of course, being a genius is not always easy
01:55to cope with, especially when you get a bee in one of the oversized bonnets he insists
02:00on wearing. You know what we need here? Tourists. A large subfamily of the order primates, specifically
02:08adopted for the special purposes of spending money. What we have is scenery. What we need
02:14are tourists. We've got tourists. There were two last week. Stop the petrol. Two? We can't
02:21live on two. Even a breeding pair. What we need is shoals of them. These hills should
02:27be alive with the sound of bus trips. And why have we got no tourists? It's all right,
02:33Billy. It's not your fault. Because we haven't got a castle, or a dungeon, or an abbey, or
02:38a battlefield. Total blank we are, historically. What have we got? One thousand years of uninterrupted
02:45nose-picking. A substantial hill like this? You'd think that some medieval clown would
02:54have built himself a castle, instead of sitting about on his medieval prat tinkering with
02:59his clavichord. He could have left us some picturesque old ruin, conferred a few benefits
03:05on local trade. I wouldn't be crawling about up this hill, would I, trying to scratch myself
03:10a living, if we were left with a plump sufficiency of Saxons, heavy with guilt. Fortunes are
03:20built solely on the raw material of swarms of dozy herbets on a seasonal basis, and what
03:27have we got? Landscape. Notorious for beauty, we are. Landscape. One vast toilet for sheep.
03:34Have the camera over there, will you? Oh, lovers come for miles to this romantic scenery. Oh, for the scenery, is it?
03:43Lovers come for what they always come for. Looking for a place to make ends meet. Not exactly good
03:52customers, are they? Preoccupied as they are with the dangerous skills of outdoor contraception.
04:04Some of us, of course, to be thankful for the advances of pharmaceutical science. Oh, put a ring on your finger, didn't I?
04:11Engagements? What about the wedding? I go to three a week. How many more am I required to attend?
04:20They rescued you from lorry driving, though, didn't they? I didn't drive them. I was in the office.
04:26You drove a man in the office? My sister Bron thinks it's shameful, my living under the same roof, unmarried, with my employer.
04:39Even though I have my own apartment. Shameful, is it? Oh, Bron thinks so.
04:48Take a look at who she married and ask yourself if that is the action of an expert in matters matrimonial.
04:54Bron must have got good prospects at the council. He has untapped resources of mediocrity. Have one yourself, Barney.
05:05Will you have wine or beer, Willie? I'd have a beer, Willie.
05:25I don't know what my mam would say if she knew I was drinking on weekdays. Broadened your horizons, haven't I?
05:31Put a bit on my hips, too. For whom am I taking this tedious photographic study?
05:39Robson's Home Cold Delivery. They want a local view to hang on the boardroom wall.
05:45There he goes, they'll say. There goes Evans, photographer-in-chief to Robson's Home Cold Delivery.
05:53He's improving with the tripod. Can he do a tripod? He's obviously got the hang of it.
05:59He's becoming proficient in all departments. Jack of all trades, he'll have you, Willie.
06:10Are you sure he's got mechanical aptitude? Oh, yes, he's a natural, descended from a long line of naturals.
06:17Down through the years, the fast industrial machinery of the empire has been held together by tiny nuts like him.
06:25Look at that tripod. Steady as a rock.
06:37I suppose it must be very frustrating putting up with the shortcomings of us ordinary people when you're a genius.
06:45Of course, not everybody's convinced he is a genius. The resident Welsh fanatic, Home Rule O'Toole, for instance.
06:53He's always appearing on the premises asking me, how do I know he's a genius?
07:07How do you know he's a genius? How does she know? Simple one. I keep telling her.
07:16It's no laughing matter. He's old enough to be your employer. Yes, my employer.
07:21Well, it shall be no part of your duties to be sensitive to his vibrations.
07:26You'll have vibrations if I hit you with my ruler. Now, clear off.
07:33Come away with me. We could elope. What, on your bike? Your bell's broke.
07:40I could show you the bright lights. My mam lives in Llandudno, Moston Street. Oh, lovely.
07:47Don't fritter your life away with eccentrics. He's barmy, that Evan.
07:53Barmy, maybe, but he's certainly not eccentric. He's going to put this place on the map.
07:58He's planning to attract tourists into the area. Oh, well, in that hat, it shouldn't be too difficult.
08:18We're up at 1930's week. That'll bring the tourists in.
08:22Never underestimate the power of nostalgia.
08:25There's a load of old rubbish to be shifted onto the Art Deco label.
08:29Oh, that looks good. Cheers, ma'am.
08:32I'm having supper sent up. I'm training Willie to do the supper.
08:37Can he do supper? Yes, he'll get the hang of it.
08:42Yes, he'll get the hang of it. Life like ours is mainly a question of style.
08:48Why do you want to stay here?
08:51It's a funny question to ask a man when you're sitting on his bed.
08:54Why do I want... Every man loves the cosiness of his own bedroom.
08:59Especially with someone like you in it.
09:01No, there are two essentials for a bedroom. A coal fire and a woman.
09:08Twin centres of comfort and warmth.
09:12Not in the bedroom. I didn't mean that. I meant here, in Planta Siliens.
09:17Why do I want to stay here?
09:19Roots. A man must have his roots.
09:23I mean, look at Tom Jones. He left the Valleys, didn't he?
09:26I admit, when you see him doing his act with those sprayed-on trousers,
09:30you think, my God, he's still got his roots.
09:34But has he? Has he? I mean, look where he's finished up.
09:38A millionaire in Las Vegas.
09:40Such are the unnatural fates awaiting poor Welsh boys,
09:44captivated by the glitter of showbiz.
09:47Look at Clive Jenkins.
09:52If he's not showbiz, I don't know who is.
09:54Hey, I tell you what. I've got a present for you.
10:01Come and try it on.
10:04I couldn't wear that.
10:06Just on early closing days around the house.
10:08Do you think I could?
10:10Of course you could.
10:13By such devices are the depressions commonly associated with middle age
10:18kept at bay.
10:20I'm not middle-aged. No, but I am, no wonder.
10:24My mum would die if she heard I was wearing a blonde wig.
10:27Oh, it suits you.
10:29Especially if it suits me.
10:31Nobody in my family ever wore a blonde wig,
10:34except Uncle Taylor, who went to be a steward in the merchant navy.
10:41Yes, I remember him, yes.
10:43Shirley Temple, we used to call him.
10:47Willie! You can bring the supper up now, lad.
10:50Does he want any help?
10:52No, no, no. You'll only fluster him.
10:55He has his own way of doing things.
11:05Fancy going out to supper?
11:22Should we be eating in a graveyard?
11:25Dropping crumbs among the dead?
11:27They're going to be lobbing confetti in a minute.
11:30Under a blizzard of waste paper,
11:32hopefully the dead won't be offended by a bit of natural wheat germ.
11:35It's just I can't help thinking of them all lying their face upwards.
11:41It must be strange to be dead.
11:43Hmm.
11:45I used to ponder the philosophies myself, you know.
11:48Probe the eternal problems I have.
11:51A brief Hindu episode.
11:54A flirtation with high Anglicanism.
11:56I still have the scar from my radical period.
12:00Pulled a muscle, didn't I, on the collected works of Lenin?
12:03Oh, yes, for years I wandered through the wilderness of the mind,
12:06looking for something.
12:08Did you find it?
12:10Hmm. Woke up one morning and there it was,
12:13in the palm of my hand.
12:15Whose hand? What was it?
12:18The left breast of a photographer's assistant.
12:25Keep your voice down!
12:27I don't know where it came from,
12:29but although I thought this will do until something better turns up...
12:32Do you offer?
12:34..nothing better ever has.
12:38Evans!
12:40Are you still living in sin?
12:43No, he isn't. I have my own apartment.
12:46There is one who sees all.
12:49I know, it's Home Rule O'Toole, over behind the gravestone.
12:54I was only passing!
12:57Me and her could have been married by now.
13:00We could have found a little cottage.
13:02Yeah, and burnt it down for your honeymoon.
13:05That's no Welsh hat!
13:07What kind of a Welshman wears an hat like that?
13:10What kind of a Welshman is called O'Toole?
13:12My first name's Alwyn.
13:14My first hat was Welsh and all.
13:17I expect it was you who put the special branch onto our secret headquarters.
13:24Your barn, Pritchard's Farm.
13:27Turn left by the pond there.
13:31Ooh!
13:35We there most nights by Wednesdays?
13:39Can't you wait around the back somehow?
13:41It does me no good, you know.
13:43You being seen, a notorious sinner, looking happy.
13:47You should have more tact, you know.
13:49Here, have a drop to help the singing.
13:52The least a man can do is be a match for the ungodly.
13:56Ah!
14:02Hey, just a match. No need to enter for the final.
14:06It's glad I am that you got better taste in that than in the tailoring.
14:11Vanity, vanity. All this vanity.
14:14You might fall a victim to vanity yourself when the tourists come.
14:18Oh, here's the wedding party. Look.
14:22What tourists? We get no tourists in this part.
14:25I'm going to alter that, aren't I?
14:31You know him best. You live with him.
14:34Just because we share the same address.
14:36What does he mean, tourists?
14:39Mr Evans is organising irresistible tourist attractions.
14:43Oh, yes? Like what?
14:47A wild boar hunt.
14:49HE LAUGHS
14:55Is it true what he says?
14:57There aren't any wild boars in Wales anymore.
15:00There aren't any dragons either, but still in the flag.
15:03Am I doing right?
15:05It's a bit late to worry about that now, love, is it?
15:08I mean the emerging from the car.
15:10Oh, the emerging. Oh, the emerging. It's lovely, isn't it?
15:13It's lovely, the emerging. Go and fix her veil for me, will you?
15:16The effect of strife is peekaboo, but virginal.
15:19Do the best you can with the material provided.
15:25That was just a cheap quickie of her emerging from the car.
15:28Now we're going to the standard budget version
15:30of up the path on her father's arms.
15:32Budget version?
15:34Don't worry. Leave it to me.
15:36I'll keep everything cost-wise firmly down.
15:38Daddy!
15:40Watch your flowers. Don't crush your flowers.
15:42What does he mean, cost-wise firmly down?
15:45Oh, don't fiddle with your flowers, love.
15:47Doesn't she know? Have I said wrong?
15:49Doesn't she know what? I don't know.
15:51Well, that you've opted for the cheap reduced economy wedding package.
15:54Who's opted for the cheap reduced economy wedding package?
15:57Daddy! I haven't opted for no cheap reduced economy wedding package.
16:01Oh, don't pull your petals, love. They'll cost money.
16:04Here! You keep them. Count them. See if they're all there.
16:09Oh!
16:11Er, could I just have a quick one by the path? That's it there.
16:15Arm in arm. Arm in arm. That's it. Smile nicely.
16:17No, no, no. No, no.
16:19She has the flowers.
16:27Can he afford it?
16:29Oh! We'll have another.
16:32Two, if you like.
16:34I'm ordering.
16:36No expense paid.
16:38Carry on. Carry on.
16:42Uh-uh.
16:47Oh, yes.
16:49That's it. Now we're getting somewhere.
16:51Who is? Where are we getting?
16:53Mrs. R.S. Lewis and Son, a travel agent of Swansea,
16:57have generously agreed to divert a charabang load of American tourists
17:01away from the official weekend tour, which is the Haunts of the Druid,
17:05and point them in our direction.
17:07A charabang load? Yep. What for?
17:10But a boar hunt, isn't it?
17:12And afterwards, we're going to have an O'England Doer supper in the Chapel Hall.
17:16The main course being, you've guessed it...
17:18Wild boar. Roast pork.
17:20But with a few bottles of Chateau Neuf to Sainsbury,
17:23no-one will notice the difference.
17:25I hope you don't think that Willie and I are going to attempt
17:28to produce a meal for 52.
17:30My cooker wouldn't stand it.
17:32Oh, my darling girl, I wouldn't dream of allowing you
17:35to overexert your little cooker in that direction.
17:38No, Dewey Morgan, of the Chez Nou French takeaway in Tenby Street,
17:42has agreed to undertake the catering.
17:44Undertake is right. He caters for most of the funerals round here.
17:48Oh, well, damn good nosh-up they are too.
17:50Never a dull moment with Dewey. Thank you.
17:53This is all going to look a bit silly
17:55without the whole object of the exercise, isn't it?
17:58What do you mean? The boar.
18:00There aren't any boars left in Wales. The vicar said so.
18:03Dangerous words from a man who perpetrates the sort of sermons he does.
18:07Boars. Wild boars. Big black things with tusks.
18:11Ever heard of emulsion?
18:13Oh, that's the stuff I rub on my chest, isn't it?
18:16Now, don't try to lure me away from the subject.
18:19That's embrocation.
18:21Bless it.
18:23I'm talking about paint.
18:25Willie is going to paint a pig.
18:30Paint a pig?
18:32Black.
18:34What about the tusks?
18:36You're in the mood to nitpick this morning, aren't you?
18:39Do you think a load of old prunes from the Middle West
18:42are going to notice the difference?
18:44Of course they're not. No, it's going to be the excitement,
18:47the spectacle, that's what's going to catch their eye.
18:50It won't even enter their heads that their fierce, primeval quarry
18:54is none other than a pig covered in water-based paint.
18:57Well, all I can say is, I hope it doesn't rain.
19:01Today, we fitted Willie with his wild boar hunter's costume.
19:06All right. Out you come, Willie. It's marvellous, you look.
19:10He's overcome his shyness.
19:12I tell you what, before we release him on an unsuspecting world,
19:16we must warn him about the women.
19:18What women? Well, most women.
19:20They've got bananas for him in this macho rig.
19:22Can he do... Is he interested in women?
19:25Oh, yes, he'll get the hang of it.
19:27They'll be falling over themselves to get at you, Willie.
19:30Come on out.
19:32Yes, they'll be tearing your clothes looking for souvenirs.
19:35Whoops, you'll say, there goes some more equipment.
19:42Bells? Oh, yes, standard medieval accessory bells.
19:46On the legs? On everything.
19:50Never. Oh, yes, a practice which gave rise to the medieval expression
19:55just going for a tinkle.
19:58Sit over here, my dear old soul, that's it, sit there.
20:01We're going to take a photo of you now.
20:03Oh, you can't have that hanging down there like that, no.
20:05Put it under your arm, that's better.
20:07Right. What's this for then?
20:09Oh, this will be for the menu.
20:11Yes, under the entire supervision of your hereditary huntsman,
20:14Black Oswald.
20:16Why black?
20:18What do you want, Purple Oswald?
20:20Pink with a feather in it, Oswald?
20:22No, he's an adept at all the secrets of the great forest.
20:25What great forest?
20:27The ancient skills of his forebears flow hot in his veins.
20:31His dyes to clean windows,
20:33you're not really going to photograph him dressed like that, are you?
20:36Wait till you see what I'm going to photograph you dressed as,
20:39a typical serving wench of the period.
20:42Oh, I couldn't, not for publication.
20:45Do you do serving?
20:47Well, I suppose I'll get the hang of it.
20:53Here, ma'am.
20:55I'm writing to you from my own apartment,
20:58hoping to find you well.
21:00I know you worry about me, but you mustn't.
21:03I'm very happy here, and the work is...
21:06interesting.
21:09And soon as you like, ma'am,
21:11you can tell our bron to stop spying on me.
21:15I used to think of her as my sister,
21:17but now all she is is a twitch of curtain.
21:21And her husband's no better,
21:23his eyes sticking out further than chapel hat pegs.
21:28Come on, Willie, today's the day.
21:51What's for tea?
21:53Potted meat.
21:55And afterwards?
21:57I thought I might stuff something.
22:00Steady on, girl.
22:02That feather reminded me.
22:05Her eiderdown's gone all limp down one side.
22:09Yes, but not with feathers.
22:12You mark my words, there'll be no good come of feathers.
22:17Oh, that's perceptive.
22:21Then how about if I sew that leather patch on your jacket?
22:26That's better.
22:28We have to go on, just as if nothing happened.
22:34I know.
22:40It doesn't look wild.
22:42It gets pretty wild when I poke it with my stick.
22:45It doesn't look very black, either.
22:47No, we ran out of paint.
22:49But you have bucketfuls of it.
22:51I know, but the pig took a liking to it.
22:53Do you mean pet it?
22:55Trouble was, the pig could eat the paint faster than we could paint the pig.
23:00Still, those tourists will never notice.
23:02Notoriously myopic race, the Yanks.
23:05That's why they take so many photos, you know,
23:07so they can see what they've been after.
23:09Now, pay attention, Willie.
23:11The coachman's here.
23:13Pay attention, Willie.
23:15The coach party will be here soon.
23:17Now, Miss Harris and I are going up top to get some scenic shots of the event.
23:20Don't forget, blow your horn when you see him approaching.
23:23That'll put the fear of God into the pig.
23:25He'll go like steam.
23:27Can he do horns?
23:29Oh, he'll get the hang of it.
23:31Narrow end, Willie, otherwise you'll suck yourself to death.
23:44They're not really going to shoot that poor pig, are they?
23:47Only with a camera, love.
23:49Like David Attenborough.
23:51Now, there's a tourist, if you like.
23:53Oh, I think he's wonderful.
23:55Think of the paths his feet have trod.
23:57Yeah.
23:59Think of the things his feet have trod in.
24:03What's happening down there?
24:05There should be hordes of multicoloured foreigners
24:07all over the place.
24:09What's happening down there?
24:11There should be hordes of multicoloured foreigners
24:13pouring over the horizon, but no.
24:40BIRDS CHIRP
24:57GROWLING
25:09GROWLING
25:13HORN HONKS
25:35LAUGHTER
25:40I think he's trying to tell us something.
25:55Well, at least they can tell the folks back home they've hit one.
25:58They haven't killed it, have they?
26:00No, no.
26:02Here he goes, look. See?
26:05LAUGHTER
26:11There we are. Moet & Chandon.
26:13Non-vintage, naturally.
26:15Courtesy of R.S, Lewis & Son, Swansea Heritage Tours.
26:19Now, don't drink it too fast.
26:21You know how the bubbles fly straight to your legs.
26:23LAUGHTER
26:25Well, he's not back yet.
26:27No, Willie will be still entertaining the supper guests,
26:29blowing through the wrong end of his horn, no doubt.
26:32I don't think we're likely to be disturbed.
26:35Disturbed? What at?
26:37Well, I thought we might organise a little boar hunt of our own.
26:40You dressed in this serving-wench costume, you'd be an ideal victim.
26:44Me, the victim?
26:46It's you that's a stupid old boar, not me.
26:48Oh, I see.
26:50I don't think your tourist plan's going to work out.
26:52I'd stick to photography, if I was you.
26:54Yes, perhaps you're right.
26:56How about a big close-up, eh?
26:58I tell you what, if you behave yourself,
27:01I'll let you help me set up my tripod.
27:03And if I don't?
27:05If you don't, well, we won't bother with it.
27:08Go and shut the door.
27:10It was never like this at the North Wales Road Haulage Limited.
27:13LAUGHTER
27:17You don't have to look.
27:19LAUGHTER
27:30MUSIC CONTINUES
28:00MUSIC CONCLUDES