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00:30La-da-da-dee-dee, da-da-da-da-da, la-da-dee-dee, and la-da-dee-da-dum.
00:41Now then, you feel better for that? You're not in a draft, are you?
00:46They can put you away for that, you know. Pardon? Talking to yourself.
00:50I wasn't talking to myself, I was talking to Flory. Flory? Flory Bundy.
00:54I've had her ever since she was a little shoot. You've got to talk to them, you know, to make them grow.
00:59Really? What do you say? Grow, you little Bundy! Grow!
01:08Hello? No, no, this is not Neville speaking, this is his sister.
01:14How dare you! It's your friend Bobby. Oh, how nice.
01:20And would you kindly tell him that my name is not Grotty Dotty?
01:24He didn't call you that, did he? Yes he did. Just his little joke.
01:28Hello, Bobby. Now, will you stop upsetting my sister?
01:32Never mind what I call her.
01:37Oh, you're not, are you? He's had trouble with his King Edwards.
01:42Have you tried scraping them first? Then drop them for a few minutes, you're not fat.
01:50Oh, that's nice. He's bought himself a new suit.
01:53Oh, it sounds lovely. It's pale blue with a slit up the back.
01:59It's tight under the wear.
02:02Well, I've told you, love, you need plenty of room under there. You're a big lad, you know.
02:08He will buy suits too tight for him under the arms.
02:12Yes, love. How's the weather?
02:15Oh, it's watting down.
02:19It's raining.
02:22Will you do me a favour? Will you send me some black puddings?
02:25Yes, you can't buy them down here.
02:27Bless you. I'll talk to you soon.
02:30I think he's fretting for me.
02:32Have you known him a long time? Oh, yes, we went to school together.
02:35I've known him ever since he was a little girl.
02:38A little girl? Well, mentally, that is.
02:41His mother wanted a girl. She'd got four boys.
02:44So when Bobby came along, she dressed him in girls' clothes.
02:47It wasn't until he was at nursery school he realised he was a boy.
02:50We were playing that game, you know, you show me yours and I'll show you mine.
02:56He never got over the shock.
03:00Morning, Mrs Neville. Morning, Miss Dorothy.
03:03Good morning, Wilf. You're looking very nice this morning, if I may say so.
03:06Oh, thank you.
03:08You meant me, not you. I'm sorry, I spoke.
03:11You want to see me, Wilf? Yes, Mrs Neville.
03:13Do you remember that happy size holiday camp order?
03:16Oh, yes, what about it?
03:17Well, you remember we also decided we couldn't put the letter in through the rock because the name was too long.
03:21Yes, so I suggested Neville's Candy.
03:23Neville's Candy, that's right. Well, Percy nearly got it right.
03:27Neville's Randy.
03:30We'll have to scrap the whole lot, melt it down and start again.
03:33I think I'd better have a word with him. Yes, I've got him outside.
03:35Hey, come in a minute, will you? Come on.
03:37I must have a word with you.
03:40Afternoon, all. It's morning.
03:42Is it really? It just shows you how time flies when you're working.
03:46Now, look, listen and pay attention.
03:48Now, you know why you're here, don't you? Yes.
03:50Well, it's not good enough. You're quite right, Mr Neville.
03:52It isn't good enough. I'm glad you admit it.
03:54Oh, I do, I do.
03:56Now, you promise faithfully it won't happen again?
03:58What won't? What happened this morning?
04:01Neville's Randy.
04:02Well, tell him to stand in a bucket of cold water.
04:06Never mind. Go back to pulling your rope. Right.
04:10And don't you worry, Mr Neville, it won't happen again, whatever it was.
04:15No wonder business is dropping off.
04:17Now, I'm glad you've mentioned that.
04:19What are we going to do to increase production?
04:21First of all, get rid of birth control.
04:23I don't mean that sort of production.
04:26I mean the rock. Now, we need some publicity.
04:28We've got to have our name known all over the country.
04:31We've got to make Little Hampton a household word.
04:34All right, then, come on, mastermind, how are you going to do it?
04:37You won't laugh? No.
04:39Promise? Promise.
04:40No, I know you will. No, no, we won't laugh.
04:43No, we won't.
04:44Cross your hearts and hope to die?
04:46Yes, come on, just tell us what it is.
04:48We're going to swim the Channel.
04:52I knew you'd laugh.
04:54Oh, it's as good as a plane, isn't it?
04:56We're going to swim the Channel.
04:58Not we, you.
05:02Me? But I'll never make it. I get out of breath just getting into the bath.
05:06Don't worry, we'll do it in relays.
05:08Percy, you, Ma, Marilyn, Cleo.
05:10Little Hampton to Dieppe. It's never been done before.
05:13I can see the headlines now.
05:15Rock factory and Channel swim.
05:17No survivors found.
05:19That's right, go on, make fun of it.
05:22We men of vision have always been laughed at.
05:24Oh, honestly, Neville, I think the whole idea is ridiculous.
05:28You see how ridiculous it is, first thing in the morning.
05:30I'm going to do it tomorrow.
05:32No, we're going to start our training.
05:34I want all the staff down on the beach at 8 o'clock in the morning with their causes.
05:38We're going to make history.
05:55Morning, Will.
05:57How's your rock cock?
06:01What's the matter with you?
06:02I'm shy.
06:04Look, where have you been?
06:05I've just been for a run along the beach.
06:06But what kept you?
06:07I was watching an old fellow wash his cockles.
06:10Where's the staff?
06:11They're inside changing.
06:13Come on, you lovely lot.
06:14Expose yourselves.
06:21It doesn't need much of the imagination, does it?
06:23What do you think then, Mr Neville?
06:26They'll catch their death of cold.
06:28Mr Neville.
06:30Where's the others?
06:31Oh, they're almost ready.
06:33Come along.
06:34Where have you...
06:44What a lovely move.
06:46How do I look?
06:48Like a zebra crossing.
06:50Like a zebra crossing what?
06:53Where's Ma?
06:55She'll be out in a minute.
06:57Come on, Ma.
06:58Where are you?
07:05I'm ready.
07:06Yes, but ready for what?
07:09Silly old fool.
07:10Where did you get that?
07:11Victoria and Albert Museum?
07:12Do you mind?
07:13I've got this for my honeymoon.
07:14Where did you get yours, Oxfam?
07:15Gammages.
07:19Let's get started.
07:22We can't.
07:23We can't.
07:24We're waiting for Percy.
07:25Just a minute.
07:26Just a minute.
07:27Aren't you going in?
07:28No, no.
07:29I washed my hair this morning.
07:30I don't want to spoil it.
07:31Come along, Percy.
07:35The man from Atlantis.
07:38You're supposed to be swimming the channel,
07:40not fishing for sharks.
07:44What did Horace say, Winnie?
07:45He said his mask is all misted up.
07:47Yeah, and me flippers are too tight.
07:49Get him off.
07:50Now, Mr Neville.
07:52Not you, Marilyn.
07:53Any excuse.
07:54Now, come along, please.
07:56Oy, Esther Williams.
07:57No, I'm not going.
07:58I'm going.
07:59I'm going.
08:00I'm going.
08:01I'm going.
08:02I'm going.
08:04It's time we all went into the water.
08:06Come on, Wilf.
08:07Everybody into the water.
08:08Follow me.
08:23Well, don't stand there like two pen at the chips
08:25waiting for some vinegar.
08:27Sorry, Mr Neville.
08:28I can't do it.
08:29I'm only asking you to swim, dear.
08:31Well, I did want to tell you before, Mr Neville,
08:33but I can't swim.
08:35Oh, that's nice, isn't it?
08:36You'd better go and get changed.
08:38Now, Marilyn,
08:39I'm sure you won't have any trouble keeping afloat.
08:42You are a little devil, Mr Neville.
08:45You can swim, can't you?
08:47I don't know.
08:48I never tried.
08:49But I'm sure I'll soon get the hang of it.
08:51You'd better fall out.
08:53I'll rephrase that.
08:54Go and get changed.
08:55Come on.
08:56I can't manage without a life belt.
08:58You can't swim the channel wearing a life belt.
09:00Well, I can't swim without one.
09:02Go and get changed.
09:03I told you.
09:04Wilf, how far can you swim?
09:06To the bottom.
09:08Well, that's it.
09:09We're knickered.
09:10Knickered?
09:11You mean knackered.
09:12I know what I mean.
09:13How far can you swim, Percy?
09:15Well, I'll have a go.
09:16As long as I can hang on to a boy.
09:18You can join the queue.
09:22Oh, Wilf, that's it.
09:24What am I going to do?
09:25What am I going to do?
09:26Looks as if you'll have to cancel it, Mr Neville.
09:28Yes, you're right.
09:29Come on, Percy.
09:30Yeah, get that chap to bed.
09:33Neville!
09:34Neville!
09:35Neville!
09:36I've got some marvellous news.
09:38What can I do with some of that?
09:40This is Mr Willis, the Minister of Physical Activities.
09:43That sounds nice.
09:44Can anybody join?
09:45Mr Sutcliffe.
09:48I'm proud of you.
09:50It's a wonderful thing you're doing.
09:52I'm not doing anything.
09:54He's so modest.
09:55When I told Mr Willis about the channel swim, he was delighted.
09:59Oh, yes.
10:00This will put Great Britain and Little Hampton on the map.
10:03That's what you think.
10:04Oh, I don't think, I know.
10:05I've already been in touch with the television people,
10:08the national press.
10:09They'll all be here on the great day.
10:11That'll be very nice.
10:12It's a pity they won't have anything to see.
10:14It's been cancelled.
10:15Cancelled?
10:16You can't cancel it.
10:17Not now.
10:18You're too late.
10:19I have to.
10:20Anyway, I thought you were dead against the idea.
10:22That was before I spoke to Mr Willis.
10:24Yes.
10:25We are arranging a civic reception.
10:27Very nice.
10:28Yes, and a welcome home parade.
10:30None of them can swim.
10:31Oh, dear.
10:32Then I'll have to cancel everything.
10:34But I can't.
10:35I mean the arrangements.
10:36Let me know.
10:37It's all right, Mr Willis.
10:38There is a question of honour at stake.
10:39Yes?
10:40We promised that Sutcliffe's would swim this channel,
10:42and I give you my word that a Sutcliffe will do just that.
10:46Dorothy, I can't let you do it.
10:48I'm not going to do it.
10:49You are.
10:50Me?
10:51Are you sure?
10:52Yes, he's sure.
10:53I'll confirm the arrangements.
10:54What day will it be?
10:55Friday.
10:56Oh, that's splendid.
10:58I'll be here.
11:00Now, listen to me, Dorothy.
11:02No, you listen to me.
11:03This is too good an opportunity to pass up.
11:05You could get knighted.
11:07Get whated?
11:09Knighted.
11:10Lady Sutcliffe of Little Hampton.
11:13Don't you mean Sir Naple?
11:14I'm glad the others can't swim.
11:17All the more glory for you.
11:19You're forgetting one thing.
11:20What's that?
11:21I can't swim.
11:23What am I going to do?
11:24What am I going to do?
11:44Oh, isn't that lovely?
11:46So are you, Miss Dorothy, if I may say so.
11:49Control yourself, Wilf.
11:51I'm sorry.
11:52I get carried away sometimes, you know.
11:54Well, I hope you know what you're doing.
11:56So do I.
11:57You've got your work cut out.
11:59Try and teach Mr Neville to swim by tomorrow.
12:01Well, I think once he gets a bit of confidence, he'll be all right.
12:04I've lent him a pair of my old water wings.
12:15I'm ready and waiting.
12:18The way you look, he won't have long to wait.
12:21You're supposed to wear the water wings outside.
12:24Well, I didn't know that, did I?
12:26Oh, well, I'd better get back to the factory.
12:28What a lovely figure.
12:30Oh, thank you.
12:32Not you, Miss Dorothy, him.
12:34Don't be personal.
12:35Go on, get up.
12:37I'll just go and put my cap on and then we'll start the swimming lesson.
12:40All right.
12:52HE COUGHS
13:05Hello.
13:06Hello.
13:12Nice here, isn't it?
13:13Very pleasant.
13:16Ooh!
13:21Is anything the matter?
13:24I don't know, I fancy you.
13:28I beg your pardon?
13:29I think you're making a big mistake.
13:32I don't think so.
13:34I think you're a little cracker.
13:36Well, it...
13:40I wouldn't go any higher if I were you.
13:42You'll get the shock of your life!
13:46Give us a kiss.
13:47Get your head off it, dirty old thing!
13:49Go away!
13:50I don't wish on.
13:51No, take your hands off me!
13:52No!
13:53You can't help me.
13:54I don't care what you can help.
13:55Look, you're making a big mistake.
13:56I think you're lovely.
13:57I couldn't care less!
14:03Now, look what you've done, you've bussed me blue!
14:13Right, come on then, Emily, to the sea!
14:15No, wait for me, please!
14:17Help!
14:18Oh, I can't...
14:20Hang on, hang on!
14:21Am I drowned?
14:22I've only got half a water with!
14:24In case you're only half drowned!
14:27Oh, it's cold!
14:29I can feel the numbness creeping over me thighs!
14:32Oh, nonsense!
14:33Come on in!
14:34No, if I do, I shall ruin meself for life!
14:37Oh, come on, Neville, you haven't got your costume wet yet!
14:42Is this far enough?
14:43All right, it'll do.
14:45Now, do this.
14:47Push! Out! Together!
14:49Push! Out! Together!
14:51Push! Out! Together!
14:53Like this?
14:54Yes, very good!
14:55Now, try doing it again, but this time take your feet off the bottom.
15:00Right.
15:02Out! Together!
15:03Push! Out! Together!
15:05Push! Out! Together!
15:09Water! Water!
15:10Hang on!
15:12Oh!
15:14Water!
15:16Oh! Oh!
15:20You didn't do it right!
15:22Of course I didn't do it right! I nearly drowned!
15:25It's no good, Dorothy, I shall never be ready to swim the Channel by tomorrow!
15:28You won't have to swim the Channel!
15:30Just a few hundred yards!
15:32Pardon?
15:33Wilf and I will be accompanying you across to Dieppe in a boat!
15:37I know that!
15:38All you have to do is swim out far enough.
15:41Then as soon as we're out of sight, you climb into the boat.
15:44Then we sail across to Dieppe and drop you as near the shore as we can!
15:48That's cheating!
15:50That's right!
15:51That's marvellous!
15:55Ah, well, here we are in Little Hampton,
15:58where any moment now Neville Sutcliffe will attempt a world-record cross-Channel swim to Dieppe,
16:04a distance of almost 100 miles.
16:06And...
16:07Ah, but first a word with the Right Honourable Mr...
16:11Willis, the Minister of Physical Activities.
16:14How do you do?
16:15This must be a proud moment for you, Mr Willis.
16:17Oh, yes, I think I can say, in all due modesty,
16:19the wind of change is blowing through this great country of ours.
16:23Physical activities are second to none,
16:25and it gives me great personal pleasure that my idea for this great challenge...
16:30Your idea? Flaming cheek!
16:32Do you mind, please, Madam?
16:34Yes, I do mind!
16:35And I'm not a Madam, I'm a Ms.
16:37And it wasn't his idea at all, it was Neville's and mine.
16:40Ours.
16:41Please remember that when the honours list comes round.
16:44Ah!
16:46Ah!
16:47And now I do believe that Mr Neville Sutcliffe is almost ready to join us.
16:52Yes, indeed, here he is now.
16:54Well, in a few minutes' time,
16:56we will see the start of this tremendous challenge.
17:00As I said earlier,
17:02Mr Sutcliffe is going to attempt a swim from Little Hampton to Dieppe,
17:08a challenge that will require courage, endurance and stamina.
17:13Wouldn't you...
17:16Wouldn't you agree?
17:17Oh, yes.
17:18Are you the BBC or the other lot?
17:20The other lot.
17:21Oh, well, beggars can't be choosers.
17:24Are we actually on television now?
17:26Yes, indeed, we are on television.
17:27Do you mind if I say hello to my friend Bobby?
17:29Well, I don't think this is Bobby.
17:30Hello, Bobby.
17:32Hello, Bobby.
17:33I don't want to interrupt your battering.
17:35Keeps crispy.
17:39Now, Mr Sutcliffe,
17:41how do you feel about your immense feet?
17:43There's nothing wrong with my feet.
17:44I only take sapsick.
17:46Yes.
17:47Are you confident that you can achieve success?
17:49Oh, yes.
17:50Have a stick of rock?
17:51No, thanks.
17:52Perhaps you'd like a rock lolly?
17:53No.
17:54It's all Little Hampton rock.
17:5510p a stick.
17:56Six sticks for 50p.
17:57Or perhaps you'd like a rock banana?
17:59Only 10p.
18:00Or a rock kipper?
18:01Only 15p.
18:02Or how about a nice set of rock teeth?
18:05I'm afraid...
18:06I'm afraid we must leave Mr Sutcliffe here
18:09as he is about to plunge into the sea
18:11to commence his dangerous cross-channel swim
18:14from which he may never, ever return.
18:16With any luck.
18:30Right, now, have you got the grease?
18:32Grease?
18:33You've got to grease me all over.
18:35Oh, yes.
18:36Well, I couldn't find any grease.
18:37Don't worry.
18:38I've got some cooking oil.
18:39Open the costume.
18:40I'll be battered next.
18:41But we won't bother with that.
18:42Just get into the boat.
18:43And take that with you.
18:44All right.
18:45Now, mind how you go.
18:46All right.
18:47You don't like to do it backwards.
18:48Whatever turns you on.
18:49Just get into the boat.
18:50All right.
18:51Don't push me.
18:52Right.
18:53Now, mind that.
18:54Not a second.
18:55Right.
18:56Here we go.
18:57Right, Will.
18:58Take her away.
19:04All right.
19:05Cast off, Percy.
19:06All right, Will.
19:07Off you go.
19:09Oh, no.
19:10Oh, no.
19:11Oh, no.
19:12Oh, no.
19:13Oh, no.
19:14Oh, no.
19:15Oh, no.
19:16Oh, no.
19:17Oh, no.
19:18Oh, no.
19:19Oh, no.
19:20Oh, no.
19:21Oh, no.
19:22Oh, no.
19:23Oh, no.
19:24Oh, no.
19:25Oh, no.
19:26Oh, no.
19:27Oh, no.
19:28Oh, no.
19:29Oh, no.
19:30Oh, no.
19:31Oh, no.
19:32Oh, no.
19:33Oh, no.
19:34Oh, no.
19:35Oh, no.
19:36Oh, no.
19:37Oh, no.
19:38Oh, no.
19:39Oh, no.
19:40Oh, no.
19:41Oh, no.
19:42Oh, no.
19:43Oh, no.
19:44Oh, no.
19:45Oh, no.
19:46Oh, no.
19:47Oh, no, no, no . . .
19:48The TUC met the Chancellor of the Exchequer
19:49today to discuss the new income policy,
19:51a report from our industrial correspondent.
19:55America accuses the USSR of interference
19:57in Middle East affairs.
19:59No news has been heard of Channel swimmer
20:02Neville Sutcliffe since he left Littlehampton
20:04this morning.
20:05It's feared that, in the dark, he may have lost his bearings.
20:09Oh, the agony!
20:11I don't feel very well.
20:13That makes two of us.
20:14We're all going to die, you know.
20:16That's right, go on, cheer us up.
20:18We might be marooned here for weeks.
20:20I tell you, we're all going to die.
20:22Yes, and you're going to be first.
20:23How do you know that?
20:24Because if you don't shut up, you'll go for a very long walk off a very short plank.
20:27Now look here, Miss Dorothy.
20:28No, no, no, we mustn't lose our tempers.
20:31You're right. You're right, Miss Dorothy.
20:33We must just sit here and wait.
20:36Well, I hope we don't have to wait long.
20:38Why?
20:39I want to go.
20:40Go? Go where?
20:41I want to go. You know, to the Wotsit.
20:44Well, don't think about it.
20:46I can't help thinking about it with all this water splashing round.
20:49Do you mind changing the subject? You've got me at it now.
20:52I could do with a little nibble.
20:54Well, don't look at me.
20:55A nibble? Well, it's difficult standing up on the boat, but I'll do my best.
20:59Oh, sit down!
21:01I mean, I'm hungry.
21:03Well, I'm a bit peckish myself.
21:05Have we got any rock left?
21:07No, no, I'll have a look.
21:08There's nothing here.
21:10What's this cork here? I can't...
21:12Don't touch it!
21:13No, no!
21:14Stop it!
21:15Stop it!
21:18Don't pull the board!
21:19No!
21:21Hey!
21:23Sit on it! Sit on it!
21:26Oh, there's a fish nibbling at me bum!
21:31Where's the bum? Where's the bum?
21:32Where's the kick? Where's the kick?
21:34Where is it? Give me the bum.
21:39Oh, thank you very much, Wilf.
21:41Yes, it's a pleasure.
21:43We ought to sit and think how we're going to survive.
21:45How do you mean?
21:46If we're marooned for days.
21:48I tell you, we're all going to die.
21:50What are we going to do? What are we going to do?
21:52We'll just sing something cheerful like,
21:54Look for the silver lining, or...
21:57I see land.
21:58How does that go?
22:00Land, land, I see land! There's land over there!
22:02I see! We've done it, look!
22:04That's France!
22:17Quick, Neville, swim ashore!
22:19Come on, off you go!
22:21Come on!
22:25Rock one!
22:26Keep the gold!
22:28I think we may be off course a bit.
22:30I don't think this is Dieppe.
22:31Well, what does it matter?
22:33We've crossed the Channel, that's the important thing.
22:35Don't Kirkham!
22:36Hello!
22:39Je suis Lee Anglaise, from England.
22:45That's a right one, isn't it?
22:47Is this Dieppe?
22:48No, but you're not far from Bob the Reacher, sir.
22:53Oh, Bobby!
22:57Bobby!
23:28Achoo!
23:31Do you know, it was so cold,
23:33when I came out of that water, it was all shriveled up.
23:38My costume!
23:40Thanks ever so much for watching.
23:42Hope we'll see you next week.
23:44Goodnight, God bless.
23:57Subtitling by SUBS Hamburg