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00:30Bonjour mon cher. Bonjour mademoiselle. Bonjour mon petit. Bonjour you lovely thing.
00:48Ça va bien? Oui oui, if you'll pardon the expression. Je suis Louise. And very nice too. J'habite Paris. How lovely for you.
01:07Ahem. Shhh. Why, what's the matter? It's Neville. He's got a strange woman in there. If there's a woman in there with Mr. Neville, she must be strange. What's he doing with her? He's just chatting her up at the moment.
01:23Voici ma voiture. Oh, a lovely chassis. And I like your headlamps. You've got a funny shaped rear end. Neville? What is it?
01:53You all right? Yes, yes. Or as some people might say, oui oui. What were you looking for? Nothing, nothing. Have you been up to something? You're acting very strange. We haven't been up to anything.
02:07Every little breeze seems to whisper Louise. The birds in the trees seem to whisper Louise. You weren't listening at the door by any chance. We were just passing. Yes, of course. Don't worry Mr. Neville. Good luck to you I say.
02:21Thank you Will. I do think you ought to be a little more discreet with this Louise. Oh, it's not just Louise. Tomorrow I'm having a session with two waiters and a gendarme. Sounds more like an orgy. It's called French for Beginners. What is? On the television, on ITV every morning at ten o'clock.
02:39You mean that voice we heard was on television? Well, you didn't think I was having a... Oh, you did. Why this sudden passion to learn French? I thought I might pop over to Paris. Oh, Mr. Neville, you've got to be very careful. These French people are very passionate. It's all to do with the way they rub their garlic. I'm not going for that. I think it's time we moved into Europe. I'm not moving into Europe. I'm perfectly happy living here in England.
03:06I don't mean us. I mean our products. Oh, you mean export? Yes, we'll flood the country with rock teeth and titty bottles. Oh, I think it's a great idea. When do we go? We? We? What do you mean we? Well, I mean do you want somebody to hold your novelties? I shall manage that myself, thank you very much. No, I think the whole idea is absolutely ludicrous. Oh, what a pity. Why? Well, I was going to ask you to come with me.
03:32Oh. Well, of course, on the other hand, they do say nothing ventured, nothing gained. Yes, they do, don't they? I still think I ought to come with you. I mean, well, as a chaperone. Oh, Wilf, I can take care of myself. Miss Dorothy, Paris is full of handsome, passionate, hot-blooded Frenchmen. In that case, it'll be me that'll need a chaperone. Well, here are your samples, Miss Dorothy. Oh, thank you, Wilf. All right. Where's Madame Pompadour? Just on his way down.
04:02How do I look? Very patriotic, Mr. Levell, but you'll have to be careful. Someone might chase you up a flagpole. Well, you've got to make an effort. Well, the taxi will be here soon. I'll get my gloves. Are those my samples? Yes, here they are. Bring them in there. That's it. All right. Murky. Murky, yes. It'll probably clear up later, though.
04:29That's French. It's French for thank you. I got it from my phrasebook. Oh, is it? Do you think you'll be all right over there with the language? Oh, yes. I've learned one or two very useful phrases. Listen to this. Bonjour, mon soeur. J'ai perdu mon chapeau. Do you know what you just said? No, but I'm sure it'll come in useful. You just said, good morning, sir. I've lost my hat. There you are. I'm always losing me hat. I knew it would come in handy. Anyway, how did you know what it meant?
04:56Me? Oh, I was in France during the war, in the army. Yes, I was in France when they fired the first bullet. And back in England when they fired the second. What an experience that must have been. Yes, a day's full of danger, Mr. Neville. You never knew which day would be your last. When were you there? 1948.
05:15Forty-eight? The war finished in 1945. Did it? Ah, well, they didn't tell me. I had to stay behind to do a bit of clearing up. Well, happy days. As I used to say in the vernacular, happy bonjours. I wish I could come with you. Will you have time to visit the Louvre? I've just been. Taxi's here. Oh, good. Have we got everything? Yes, yes, come on.
05:40Forgot me ruck cuck. One chance, Mr. Neville. Have a nice time. I haven't gone yet. Hurry, here I come.
05:51Here I come.
05:52Hello, monsieur. Madame. Marquis.
06:11Is this my room or yours? I don't know. Où est mon chambre? Ici. Ah, it's mine then. Où est mon chambre? Ici aussi. Ici aussi? Madame's an idiot. Go and fetch the manager. Comment? The manager. The boss.
06:36I don't think he understood you. I'll ring down. Well, I must just wash my hands. Have one for me while you're there. Hello? Hello? Hello? Are you the manager? Yes. Ah, could you come up here for a few minutes, please? I am here. This one's just as thick as the other.
07:07Excuse me. Who are you? I am the manager. Oh, that was quick. Madame. No, I'm a monsieur.
07:15Oh, Dorothy Sutcliffe. This is Neville. Now, what is the problem? Whose room is this? Yours. What about mine? Yours? Yes, mine. You don't want to sleep with your wife? Oh, she's not my wife.
07:41We're not married. Don't worry, we French are used to that sort of thing. L'amour toujours. Oh, la, la. He thinks we're here on a dirty weekend. Oh, no. No, no, no. This is my brother. Frère. Oh, la, la.
08:02The French know oh, la, la about it. We're here on business. Oh, excusez-moi. So, if you'll just show me to my room. I'm so sorry, but we have no more rooms. The hotel is completely full up. Well, we'll have to make the best of it. Oui, monsieur, c'est la vie. Bonsoir.
08:16Well, which side of the bed do you want? What are you doing? I'm getting ready for bed. I'm not getting into bed with you. Oh, don't worry, dear. You'll be quite safe. Excuse me, would you mind changing in the bathroom? Well, I'm not shy. We've all got one, you know.
08:34I haven't. I want to get changed by myself. Well, there's nobody stopping you. Neville! Neville, no peeping. You'll be lucky.
09:00Excusez-moi. I have found a room for you next door. We have an English couple on their honeymoon. I'm not sharing with a honeymoon couple. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. But they have twin beds, so they'd be very happy to exchange rooms with you and your brother. Oh, I see. Come, I'll show you the room. Oh, well, look, I'd just better wait for Neville. He's in the bathroom. Don't worry. I will tell him after I show you the room.
09:30Hurry up, darling. I'm waiting.
10:00Come to bed. Oh, all right.
10:30I hope you're not tired. And I think you're wonderful, my precious. Pernit, give me a kiss.
10:52You're not shy, are you? Tell me you love me. I love you. Well, then.
11:07And you're there! Well, of course I'm here. Well, who's this in bed with me?
11:38Lady, sir? Yes, you can come in now. Oh, by the way, did you see the British Ambassador? No, but I saw the under-under-secretary to the Deputy Deputy Minister of Trade, a Mr. Bonyface.
12:06Well, whoever he is, he's the fellow that can give us the okay for importing our rock. Oh, when is he coming? I've invited him to dinner tonight. Oh, what a good idea.
12:15We'll feed him, pour a few bottles of wine down him, get him a bit sloshed, and then I'll show him me knick-knacks. Pardon? My samples.
12:24Hello? I mean, yes. Yes, yes, yes, I see. Thank you. Merci. Mr. Bonyface is downstairs waiting for us.
12:44I'll leave those there. I'll show them to him when he's a bit sloshed. Oh, better take the phrase book. What do you want that for?
12:48Well, so we can make ourselves understood. Well, he'll probably speak English. He may not. Well, he ought to. If it wasn't for us, France would still belong to Germany. We saved this lot, you know. The least he could do is speak English.
13:00Ah, bonsoir, mademoiselle, monsieur, comment ça va? Enchanté, c'est un plaisir pour moi. La belle de jour, une fille jolie.
13:27Go and get the phrase book. That will not be necessary. I speak your language. Please, sit down.
13:35This is all in French.
13:48If I may make a suggestion, just a salad niçoise and a coup de lait d'anneau, haricots verts, and pommes d'ovines.
13:56Like what he said, and chips and mushy peas all round.
14:00Et du vin? Ah, oui. Mademoiselle, would you like a bone? No, I'd rather have the lamb cutlets, if you don't mind.
14:09A bottle of bone. Oh, I see. I'm so sorry. Yes.
14:14Oh, deux, deux bouteilles. Yes, that's what I said.
14:18Is this your first visit to France? Yes. And how are you liking it in Paris? I haven't had it in Paris.
14:26Oh, you English, always making the joke.
14:29I hope you enjoy the meal and the cabaret. Oh, is there a cabaret?
14:34Oh, oui, we have Claude et Daniel. Very sexy, very oulala.
14:42He's very fond of his oulala, isn't he?
14:45Oh, yes.
14:47Oh, oui, we have Claude et Daniel. Very sexy, very oulala.
14:57He's very fond of his oulala, isn't he?
15:00First a little toast. Oh, I'd rather have a roll of butter.
15:05Well, that is a joke.
15:07To your good health.
15:10Good health.
15:13Oh, yes.
15:14Oh, yes
15:16The Queen
15:23The president
15:30Prince Philip
15:35General de Gaulle
15:37Mm-hmm
15:42The British government
15:46Merci the French assembly
15:55Here you represent
16:07I
16:37I
17:07I
17:29Enjoyed that now, where were we I think great French painter to lose the track
17:37And the great English painter Charlie Grimshaw
17:41Who's Charlie Grimshaw? He painted my chip shop
17:45Used to paint men and women as well men on one door
17:57Fine fine lizard. Yeah
18:00Look never don't you think you've had enough no me ridiculous Dorothy. This is a challenge
18:05France versus Britain I shall go on as long as long as he goes
18:10The Salvation Army
18:15Sasha do you stay? Oh
18:20Hang angle angle bird hang angle bird hump humperder
18:27Hump hump hump humperder
18:30Engelbert hub Tom Jones
18:35The Eiffel Tower the Blackpool Tower
18:40The common market on the supermarket
18:44Couple with the British. No, no, no, no. No your British Empire is finished the common market
18:51knickers to the common market
18:54Because kiss kiss a nickel pantaloons to you
18:59Be careful what you say I can say what I like. I'm British. Yeah, I'm French
19:05big fat frog
19:09Say that again big fat frog
19:14I'll give you a bunch of the fire. Oh, so it's fighting
19:30Neville
19:33Come out of there this minute. I
19:39Think I'm dying serve you right
19:44Would you like an Alka-Seltzer, thank you, I couldn't stand the noise
19:49Well, you've made a real mess of everything you assaulted the Minister of Trade
19:53We shall never get in the common market and that meal last night cost a fortune
19:58Just have to pay what with we should have enough money. We did have until you went raving mad last night
20:07When you came round you insisted on giving everybody a tip including a visiting gendarme
20:13Oh, yes, I remember him. He kissed me
20:15On both cheeks. Yes. Well now we haven't enough money to pay the bill and they've confiscated our luggage
20:22I'll phone the manager
20:25Hello
20:27Hello, is that the manager? Oh, this is Neville Sutcliffe here. Yeah. Now what's all this about confiscating our luggage?
20:37Yeah, well, yes I do but well surely we can come to some arrangement. Oh
20:43Yeah
20:45Yes. All right. Thank you. That's very civil of you
20:49We can collect the luggage this afternoon, what about the bill it's forgotten about it for a little favor we're going to do
20:56Madam a missure je vous présente Neville a Dorothy
21:18I
21:48I
22:19You
22:24Thanks ever so much for watching, I hope you enjoyed it and thank you very much for all your lovely letters
22:29I hope to see you very soon. Take care. Good night. God bless