Magnificent Evans - 104 [couchtripper][U]
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00:30The Journal of Rachel Harris, an account of the life and works of her employer and fiancée
00:59Plantagenet Evans, photographer and genius under whose roof I now reside, though naturally in my
01:08own apartment. Today I am writing on the very banks of a stream where our relationship took
01:15a giant step forward. It was here he sent me, looking for water for his radiator. It was here
01:23he crept up behind me for a huge photographic close-up. It was here I first realised how
01:30serious he was in his intentions towards me. I am drawn back here from time to time as a means of
01:38recollecting the powerful emotions of that summer evening and in the hope of perhaps finding the
01:45earrings which somehow became detached in the proceedings. As an example of how the personality
01:54of genius can transform even a routine assignment, I feel I should describe what happened when the
02:00local paper asked us to take the attached photograph. The day began like any other.
02:06Let's have the car polished and gleaming. Dammit, let's incite the proletariat. Wash the wheels.
02:15Wax everything. There he goes, they'll say. Immaculate Evans, oppressor of the poor. And try to do
02:22yourself up a bit, will you? Will you look like a chauffeur if you can? What kind of garb is that for a
02:27bourgeois lackey? Can't we have him in uniform? Something nice and servile with buttons? Why is
02:34he not in uniform? You made inquiries. They're expensive. Oh, well I can understand that. I'm a
02:42reasonable man. Well, do your best, will you? Improvise something, will you? Hey, don't eat that
02:47paper. I haven't read it yet. What have we got here? Oh. What's that? Prune juice. Prune juice? Oh, Rachel.
03:00Rachel, have I weaned you gradually away from plain cotton underwear only to find you sitting
03:07here at my bedside, my bachelor bed where I spend long hours alone after you've got up to light the
03:14fire? Stop taking notes, will you? Offering me prune juice? My mum swears by it. I don't damn well blame her either.
03:23You see, Willie, how constant is the battle for the artist determined to live his life
03:32frivolously as nature intended. Seriousness lurks round every corner. One unguarded moment round
03:39hereabouts and they'll have you in chapel or up to your clacker in prune juice. Don't go, no, don't go in
03:46your unsuitable clothes. You'll stay and have a bit of breakfast, won't you? Sit, sit. Sit. Stay, stay. I know
03:58the wages round here are a bit short at times and a bit slow in coming, but think positively. You've always
04:04got a home here as long as you're useful. I've opened your mind up to untold horizons, haven't I, eh? And here I
04:12am sharing my breakfast with you. Here, get that down your underpaid throat. Her old mum swears by it and you
04:26know what a foul-mouthed old faggot she is. No, no. Oh, no, I don't like that expression at all. No, that's
04:36terrible. Terrible. Can't you express some other sort of emotion? I mean, we're not doing a constipation advert.
04:47Hey, hey, don't start fidgeting. Don't fidget, man. It's not a movie camera, this, you know. It's supposed to be a
04:53sitter, not a twitcher. I have to try to compose you in this frame, you see. Right now, I want you to very slowly move
05:02your face just a fraction to the left, will you? Off you go. No, no, wait. Not like that. Slower. Just a fraction, I said.
05:10Not a... Oh, you've got a runaway face there. Could someone catch this man's face, please, and put it back where it
05:16belongs? Try not to shout at him. He's the chairman of the council. Oh, is he? Can't you relax, man? I can, usually. Yes, well, I thought so.
05:26I mean, the things that get through council, somebody must be relaxed. You have to have the chain. Why have to have the chain?
05:34It's an official photo. Oh, well, there you are. You see my problem, then, don't you? Big chain, small head. Small head?
05:42Well, it throws the composition out of proportion completely, you see. You think I've got a small head? Oh, yes. Photographically speaking,
05:49it's infinitesimal. I wonder... No, no, perhaps that's not... I wear shaped, neat small heads. Yes, if you have to wear jewellery with a head as small as that,
06:05you'd be better off with a bangler, a couple of charm bracelets. I never knew I had a small head. Oh, delicate small features.
06:14Would you like a cup of tea, Mr Jenkins? Hey, that's a good idea. Yes, get him a cup of tea. I'll have a cup of tea, too, yes. He'll probably be less jittery when he's had a cup of tea.
06:22Yes, chuck a couple of Valium in it. Not his, mine. We'll wait. We'll just wait till we've had our tea, all right? Right.
06:39Married, are you? 30 years. Oh, dangerous age. Council typist looking better by the minute, I shouldn't wonder. Don't panic, don't panic, I haven't been spying on you.
06:51It's just that we artists sense these things, you see. Otherwise, how could we capture your soul in colour, in glossy matte or satin finish on photographic paper, you see?
07:08What I was after, really, was something suitable for the council chamber. Yeah, well, that's no good, is it, no? That's more suitable for the zoo, that, no.
07:21Never mind, don't worry, leave it to me, I'll think of something when I've had my tea. Happy at home, Isle? Yes. Oh, well, that's good, yes. Can't be easy, working surrounded by slender young women, can it, eh? Must take a bit of gloss off the anticipating your pension.
07:39Well, you have to observe a very strict code of behaviour. Oh, well, naturally, most fitting, yes. One little slip up there and that's one little extra you can't bob on the rates, isn't it? Nature beats her paths relentlessly through all our defences. I'm surprised you can concentrate on council business at all in that atmosphere of sexual tension.
08:02The main area of temptation lies in the low-slung, frilly blouses of Mrs. Megan Lloyd-Williams. She's on loan to me from the sanitation department. Sanitation department, eh? No chance of a dirty weekend there, then.
08:19Nevertheless, they are thorns in my flesh. I get hot under the collar. Yes, and all the time you're wishing it was her collar you were getting hot under.
08:27Still, temperature, mind you, temperature might be the key to this problem. Overheated are the gilded palaces of local government. In order to reproduce a temperature which will cope with the practices of chastity, what you really need is the Trigvore Swedish Wonderwood burning stove. Much more controllable, temperature-wise. I happen to be the sole agent for them. I've got one in the kitchen with her.
08:58I couldn't consider any new apparatus, not without a voting for council. Urge them, in the name of municipal decorum, not only will it lower your temperature, but one wag of your damper, and you'll create enough smoke never to see the pendulous charms of Mrs. Megan Lloyd-Williams. Eh?
09:14Miss Damstove smoking the place out. There you are, you see. Just what the council needs for clouding the issue.
09:25I knew already it was going to be a bad day. And then to prove it, I had another visit from my sister and her husband, intent on rescuing me from a fate worse than gossip.
09:36Just a minute. Be with you in a moment. Oh, Rachel. Come home, love. I am home. Be unmarried in a proper manner. You could have our spare room. I have my own apartment. At an advantageous rent, be in family.
09:55Just a minute. Almost advantageous. Your husband's tight with money. Yes, bless him. And many other good points, too. Get yourself something similar. I don't want anything similar.
10:11For husband, you do. Again? Someone to give you absolutely no cause for alarm. He's index-linked, too. I am, it's true. It's very comforting. Very comforting. But what about excitement? Magic? Poetry? Romance?
10:31Not in the Borough Surveyor's Department, love. It could ruin his prospect. Fatal? One whiff of magic, they'd have you down for early retirement. Come on, Rachel, love. Give up this wild free life. It's my life and nobody else's. We wouldn't want to restrict you, would we?
10:49Oh, no, no. All we ask is don't bring yourself to the attention of the Finance and General Purposes Committee. Especially at budget allocation time. Oh, what is that beautiful perfume? Oh, it's like crabapple blossom in fresh-mown hay. It's so sweet. No, it's not that.
11:13Oh, Bronwyn, it is you. Oh, felicitations. Oh, what could be more fragrant? A nerving way, as of raising his hat. There's no good comes of hat-raising like that. Raised our bron's temperature, though, hasn't it? Look at her flushing.
11:39No, love. Coming at you like that. But it's no basis for marriage. Where's the security? What I have here is a passing poodle. Oh, that's lovely. I've left Willy dealing with exactly what it was passing. Whose is it, I wonder? Whose is it? Well, it's Willy's now, I suppose, if he wants it. Who am I to interfere with the contents of his shovel?
12:07I am more interested in this little photogenic creature. Bless his little sock. Oh, I can't do with animals. Oh, pro, but you have the soul of a tin of corned beef. I have a bit in the building society, though. Ah, now I'd like to talk to you about that. Oh, accounts of which tend, however, to be grossly exaggerated. Big mouth. On the other hand, you would be well advised to take advantage of certain investment opportunities that have arisen in the photographic world.
12:36He's married. He gets all the advice he needs. Oh, lump sum? Lump sum is waiting for the shrewd investor. Promotional calendars. No, a glossy print of this attractive little creature, for instance, would have a ready market. A dog photo? Oh, yes, especially if clamped to the bosom of some radiant female shown off to her best advantage. Oh, don't clamp into that bosom.
13:02Let him finish, will you? It's nearly time, Mr Evans. We were out on assignment. We've got that picture to take for the local paper. Don't interrupt your employer, Rachel. What kind of way is that to seek advancement? Excuse me. Oh, that's better, yes. That's good from you. How well displayed to her best advantage? Oh, completely.
13:26Hey! I've seen those calendars. He'd have you entirely in the nude. How dare you, sir? How dare you impugn the reputation of this establishment? She would not be in the nude, as you so crudely put it. She'd be wearing the Poodleman. Oh, there's Master Poodle.
13:52Well, you wanted them out of the way, didn't you? Oh, how thoughtful he is on occasion.
14:05Motor mechanic wins talent contest. They just want a simple photo. A shoe-mouse girl has no simple photos. There are in the local paper. Only the artistic challenge to capture the rich variety of humankind. How much they pay him for this job? The usual. Oh, not much rich variety there, then, is there?
14:26Here we are. Twenty-three. Hold it, Willie. Let the chauffeur open the door for her. Style girl is everything. But it won't open, will it? He's fixed it, hasn't he? Willie? Of course, Willie. Who else have we got? Willie, yes. Turn your hand to anything, can't you?
14:56Uniform's coming on well, too. Lovely when we get the coat and trousers.
15:14You know, there's still places in Wales it does my old heart good to see. I suppose you wouldn't fancy appearing on a promotional calendar, would you? No, I wouldn't. No, I thought not. Never mind. To each his own job. Bring the stuff.
15:34So off he goes. Up the path. The mechanic's not at home, but his mother is. The kind of brassy blonde creature who can't resist playing up to men. And, of course, he loves it. Be quiet, will you?
15:58Naturally, I'm proud of him. He's my only one. Even then, they leave stretch marks. But I've managed to keep my figure. Oh, you have kept it, yes. Well, not that it did me any good, mind. My husband abandoned me. He went off with a wild look in his eye. Oh, dear.
16:18So I'm mostly alone. Especially Tuesdays and Thursdays and any Sunday until 7.30. Haven't I seen you before somewhere on the cover of some well-thumbed magazine? Do a bit of modelling, do you? Oh, no, I couldn't show myself off like that. Oh, let's not be too hasty. I mean, those eyes, they're just the right shape for looking well in a swimsuit.
16:45At present, I am without a swimsuit. Well, there you are. You see, the permutations are endless, yes. That's it. Go on, grab his leg. She has to have a touch. This is Mr. Tomlin. Great one, she is, for body contact. Yes, I used to have a Welsh terrier just the same, yes.
17:05Mr. Tomlin services my TV. Oh, I wouldn't be at all surprised, yes. It was Mr. Tomlin who persuaded me to rent rather than buy. Aye, she has the best sex in the valley. Yes, I noticed. In my darkest hour, Mr. Tomlin was a tower of strength. We have to come out when we're called, you know. Mr. Evans has come to take a photo. For the paper. The paper? He's from the paper?
17:31Only the local one. Still, you never know how far it might spread. Oh, look, I can't afford to be in the papers. I'm only here in a technical capacity. What are new parts needed like? Oh, yes, 24-hour service, no doubt. Aye, out in all weathers, mate. Yes, well, there's always a place for the skilled artisan. Oh, he's seen me through some bad patches. Only when a new fault's been recorded at this address, mate. Ah, cause me dempling in that cheeky little way he has. I hardly know the woman.
18:01One moment, dear lady. My man will open the door for you. Oh, that'll be nice. It'll be a miracle.
18:32All right, all right. We are all of us martyrs to the contrariness of everyday things, aren't we, Rachel? She's had to climb in and out a few times. Have you had her long? I beg your pardon? I was referring to the car. Stuck, is it? It would certainly appear to give that impression, yes. It's over the top, I'm afraid.
18:59Oh.
19:07Is my foot near the floor? If you want to go sincerely, there can't be much more of your left to come.
19:14I'll get the other leg over, then. Well, it'll make a change, won't it?
19:24They're all of a tangle. Uncommonly warm for the type of day, isn't it? I'll go and fetch my son. Hurry back.
19:34She's throwing herself at you. You could have appealed here, leg before wicket.
19:40Who is he? Willie. My card.
19:50Plantagenet Evans. Photographic artist. Antiques and bygones. Bought, sold and exchanged. Wears a lot of unnecessary hat.
20:04Euler. The one with the boot-marked face. The oily person.
20:10They are, they are. They're white. They're Welsh legs. Oh, and look at that chest. The characteristic contours of a mountain people. Go forever, they will, on these little short legs, you know.
20:34Short? Oh, don't worry about it. They'll last you. Use sparingly. Medium, more like. Not short.
20:43As you wish. Well now, colourful old character, perhaps you could conduct us on your medium to short legs to the proprietor of this mechanical establishment.
20:53I am the proprietor. Oh, congratulations. I've rarely seen a more effective disguise. I think he's lying.
21:00But he wasn't lying. And thus he quickly became the target with a hard sell. He didn't know it yet, but he was on the brink of his first advertising campaign.
21:17There you go, pointing at me. Why should I need a series of photos? Well, to be the very centre and heart of your advertising. What advertising?
21:27Oh, have you no pride, man? Have you no ambition to bring this shoddy establishment to the notice of the world? Your own calendar.
21:34We've got a calendar. There's one in the workshop. Yes, but you're not on it, are you?
21:39It's a girl with... Never mind what she's with, but they'll never want to swap it for a photo of me.
21:46Oh, nonsense. Here we are then. Nonsense. Where's he gone now? Where's he gone? Oh, I've lost him now. He slipped through my fingers like a pint of sump oil.
21:54Or in his case, a half pint. Oh, this is the talented young vocalist, is it? I found him having a sandwich. I'm entitled to a sandwich. Oh, God.
22:04Yes. Very musical, I can tell, yes. I do apologise for his condition. I found him spraying in the yard. Yeah, mostly sandwiched by the look of it.
22:14No, no, madam. No, no, that's entirely inadequate. Entirely inadequate. Allow me. Where's the bucket? Here's one.
22:21How are you, girl? Like I've been for ages. Nearly, but not quite married. Stick at it.
22:28Right, come on, lad. And that's for windscreens. Shut your wiper.
22:32There. There we go. Now, how old are you, lad? Seventeen. Oh, seventeen.
22:39The madcap years of youth. What a golden time for pernicious habits. I hope you're up to a few, are you?
22:46He's always been a good boy. Oh, the mothers are the last to know. Twas ever thus. Now, listen to me, boy. There are a lot of wicked women in this world.
22:54You take the advice of your Uncle Tomlin. Always rent rather than buy.
22:59Hey, what have you done to his nose? Done to his nose? Yes, what have you done to his nose?
23:04Well, that's all right. I've just brought it up to a high gloss, madam. Don't get excited.
23:07He's altered your nose. He's altered your nose. He has altered my nose.
23:11Don't argue with me. That was not the nose you left our house with this morning.
23:13It is my own nose, honest. Oh, I shall go and get the manager. I hold you responsible for this.
23:19Oh, dear. I just picked up a sponge and now I'm under suspicion. You have a go, will you?
23:23I never liked her. She's got shifty legs.
23:28Prone to sudden attacks, your ma'am, is she? My ma'am? No.
23:32Well, a bit emotional, is she? She hates the Welsh Channel and toothpaste on bathroom mirrors.
23:36Oh, well, that's a classical pattern. She thinks I'm too young to get married.
23:39She thinks I'm too young to get married. Do you think I'm too young to get married?
23:43Don't ask him. He's the last one you should ask.
23:46Is that what you really want, to rush into things? I do. I really do. I want to rush into things.
23:51Yes, I thought you might. The thing is, you see, the marriage is for people who are unattractive to women.
23:56Am I attractive to women?
23:59Well, er, cleaned up, a new suit, a bit of deodorant around the sticky parts.
24:07On balance, on balance, I would have to say no.
24:13It's true. I'm not attractive to women.
24:16You mustn't think like that. Not at your age. You could be attractive to women.
24:22Stop depressing him.
24:24On the other hand, a good expensive studio portrait taken in a flattering light
24:29is a milestone on the road to success with the female classes.
24:32I mean, look, you've got your whole life ahead of you, haven't you?
24:34Such as it is.
24:36Somewhere there's a little girl waiting, a little ugly girl,
24:40who is on the threshold of blossoming into a big ugly woman.
24:47See? He comes up smiling. He's got a nice face, really.
24:52Nobody's run over his face.
24:54Mother notices these things.
24:57Oh, that's not him. That's not my Clovis.
25:01Well, who the Clovis is he then?
25:02I never said I was her Clovis.
25:04She caught me in the middle of a sandwich. Grabbed my arm, she did.
25:07Oh, he was standing where my Clovis was meant to be standing?
25:10Well, I naturally assumed he was my Clovis.
25:14Anyone can make a mistake, kids.
25:16Ah, here's my Clovis now. At least I'm almost sure it is.
25:22Ma'am?
25:24Ah, you see?
25:26Yes, well, I've got another one to clean now. Why am I always wiping mechanics?
25:28This gentleman has come to take your photo.
25:30For the papers.
25:32The papers?
25:34On account of his singing.
25:36His singing?
25:38First prize he won.
25:40Where did he do this singing?
25:42Where we were away. Among the English.
25:44Oh, among the English.
25:46No wonder. Among the English.
25:49Hey, they asked for an encore, I may tell you.
25:52Well, they wouldn't know any better, would they?
25:54Hold that, will you? Come on, camera. Where's the camera?
25:57She's such a brassy blonde creature.
26:00Do you really find her attractive?
26:02No, no, no, no. It's just her manner, really, that's all.
26:05She has a rather engaging personality.
26:08Oh, especially from the back.
26:10Wide-angle lens for that, wouldn't it?
26:12Right, come on.
26:14Come on, let's go and photograph you.
26:16How do I look?
26:18Oh, lovely. You're glossed all over like French polish. Come on.
26:27No, no.
26:30No, there's no life in it. Can't you animate him a bit?
26:33As a subject, his face is a paradox.
26:36I've never seen anything so shiny look so dull.
26:41Come on, Clovis. Put us all together.
26:44Put your leg up or something.
26:47Oh, that's more like it.
26:49Both put your legs up.
26:55Oh, that's great.
26:57Beautiful.
27:01Did you hear that, fellas?
27:03Him by there, in a terribly grand hat.
27:06Put your photo in the paper just for singing.
27:20Come round by the car, boys. That's it. We'll take a photo.
27:23Make a nice group.
27:25Excuse me. Would you mind just standing over there?
27:28Just for a minute. That's it.
27:30No, then.
27:55Boil the bonbons, boil the bonbons.
27:57That's just when the bonbons went, went, went.
28:00Go away, away, away.
28:02Here in with, here in with.
28:04Boil the bonbons, boil the bonbons.
28:06That's just when the bonbons went, went, went.
28:14Oh, yes.
28:16This calendar's going to sell.
28:18Legs on wheels, they're going to call it.
28:21That should put Pirelli's nose out of joint.
28:24Oh, yes. Look at that.
28:26That's definitely January. Look at that.
28:28Definitely a promise of spring in that pose.
28:31Spring? I bet she's broken a few of them in her time.
28:35What kind of woman, I ask you,
28:37would appear in an attitude of such a flagrant nature?
28:40Have you seen February?
28:45Look at that. No, you don't.
28:47Oh, no.
28:49Oh, no. You mustn't.
28:50Oh, mind the equipment, please.
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