Rising Damp - 107 [couchtripper][U]
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00:30What are you looking at? Don't creep up behind me like that, Rugsby.
00:43Oh, been biting your nails again? Why can't you wear that coat properly? You look like
00:48the Count of Monte Cristo. It's got sleeves in it, why don't you use them? The police
00:52are after me. Who are? It's not funny. I hit one of them.
00:58You hit a policeman? I didn't know he was a policeman. Someone knocked his helmet off,
01:02thought he was a porter. Have you hit him? Yeah, we were making a political protest.
01:07Not again. Yeah, we tried to enter a meeting of the National Front and somebody called
01:12the police. I didn't actually hit him, I just sort of pushed him in the back. Well, he wasn't
01:18very pleased, he turned around, he was very pale, he said, what did you do that for? And
01:22I don't think he was very strong. What did you say? I said, I'm sorry, I thought you
01:25were somebody else. He said, I'll get you for that, so I came away. I don't think Lennon
01:30would have left it like that. Listen, I was the only one who stood up to the police dog.
01:35I wasn't frightened, I patted him. We've got a chair.
01:39Hey, Peter, here. Do you think they will come here? Nah, I'll try the airports first.
01:52Nah, you'll be alright. Hey, you wouldn't be the first. We had one bloke stopping here,
01:56jumped in that wardrobe every time I opened the door. I don't know what he went up to,
01:59he spent more time in that wardrobe than out of it. I don't think I'd like that very much.
02:02Oh, you'll have to get used to wardrobes if you're going to be a revolutionary. I don't
02:06think I'll make a very good revolutionary. I'll have to keep rushing off to the lavatory.
02:09You can't keep dashing off to the lavatory during a demonstration, can you? No, no, not
02:14very well, no. Well, I told you, warned you didn't, I shouldn't have got involved with
02:17them. Anyway, if you keep this up, I shall have to give you notice. Hey, wait a minute.
02:21What about free speech? That's not the point. You're giving this place a bad name. I've got
02:24my position to think of. I'm a member of the Conservative Club. I can't get on the billiard
02:30table as it is. You know your trouble, Rigsby? You're a social climber. No, I haven't got very
02:35far, have I? There's only one bloke down there that ever speaks to me, and he washes their
02:39glasses. Is that why you're canvassing for him? Yes, thought I'd do a bit this morning. Won him
02:44a few votes. I didn't get many arguments. That surprises me. I know, I had the megaphone,
02:48you see. First sign of any trouble, I gave them a thousand decibels straight between the eyes.
02:53Yes, left them with their heads ringing. Yes, I think I did myself a bit of good this morning.
02:57With a bit of luck, I'll be playing 101 up with Colonel Devere Brown before the week's out.
03:01You'll never get in, Tory twit. Oh, don't you bank on it, mate. He'll be there. Mind you,
03:06what the committee are going to say when they find out I'm sheltering a Marxist, I don't know.
03:09I've told you before, I'm not a Marxist. Oh, not much. Who's that on the wall then,
03:14not your granny, is it? Another sworn enemy of capitalism and shaving. What have you Marxists
03:20got against shaving anyway? Look, I'm not a Marxist. As a matter of fact, I'm a Maoist.
03:25Ah, yes. I've noticed your eyes are getting quite horizontal these days.
03:30Must be all those crispy noodles you've been eating. How can you be a Maoist in a local election?
03:36As far as I can see, it's a straight fight between Conservative and Labour with modest
03:39intervention from the Liberals. So unless they put them somewhere from the Lotus House,
03:42you're first going to be wasted, mate. That's your vote, Labour, of course. Oh,
03:46what do you mean? You've never had a pair of overalls on in your life. No, the workers and
03:50the students must unite, right? We must link arms against the common enemy. You're the only one
03:55linking arms with you, not in those trousers. I can just see you linking arms with a six-foot
04:00steelworker, swapping your cucumber sandwiches for his three-inch jam butties. What are you going
04:05to do, offer him a glass of red wine and a whiff of your aftershave? He won't know what to make of
04:10you. Oh, hi. Oh, dear, oh, dear. Not another one. I thought he was a funny-looking Maoist,
04:17but you're ridiculous. Look at me. Only that as a Chinaman, you leave a lot to be desired.
04:22Don't you know their theories? You see, the Chinese believe that when God made us,
04:26he put us all in the oven to bake. Apparently, he took us out before we were ready.
04:30The Chinese were done to a golden turn, and you lot were burned to a bloody crisp.
04:36You see, whichever way you look at it as a Chinaman, you're a definite failure.
04:39We're not talking about race rigs. We're talking about a political philosophy.
04:42Oh, yes, and you can't vote here anyway. You're not eligible.
04:46At least I can lend my support. For what? I mean, you should be on our side,
04:50son of a chief. Oh, I know what it is. Yes, you feel guilty. No, I don't. Yes,
04:55you do. You've been beastly to the servants. He wants to be popular. He wants to be carried
04:59shoulder-high around the mud huts. No, you'd better watch it. You start talking about equality,
05:04they might notice your hut's a bit bigger than theirs. Carry your shoulder high then, mate.
05:08Run down the crocodile, too. I didn't expect you to understand, Rigsby. You're a reactionary.
05:13No, I'm not. You want to bring back hanging.
05:16So what? A lot of people want to bring back hanging, mate. Not in public.
05:22Anyway, you should talk about your country, eh? You want to change the government there,
05:25this time for the skinning men. It's not true. It's democratic elections.
05:29It's what happens to the losers. What do you mean?
05:34It's not a pretty sight. What happens to them, then?
05:38Well, they take two saplings and tie them together. Then they tie a leg to each and cut the rope.
05:47Eh? That's one way of losing your deposit.
05:51That's a good idea. I saw that in a Tarzan film once. We ought to do that to the Tories
05:56and just hear the sound of ripping pinstripes. Oh, very funny, yes. What have you got against
06:01the Tory party, anyway? What about a three-day week? Well, I don't know what you're complaining
06:04about. The five-day one never suited you. Anyway, that's not our fault. You can blame
06:09that on those mates of yours, the one with the little lights on the reds.
06:11You can't blame the miners, mate. They were only after a decent living wage.
06:15That's right. Could you believe anything, wouldn't you?
06:18Do you know what's behind all these strikes, all this political unrest? Russian gold.
06:23Russian gold? For heaven's sake.
06:25My God, they've certainly taken you in, haven't they, eh? You've only got to see the Red Army
06:29ensemble dancing around, singing Little Brown Jug, and you think they're marvellous.
06:33Well, you're not using this place as a centre for subversion, all right.
06:37Subversion? No political meetings here, all right, and you can stop giving that clenched
06:41fist salute to the baker as well. I've got my position to think of. I was hoping to enter
06:45the round-table canoe race this year. All we're after is a fairer society, right?
06:50All we want is more sharing. Oh, yeah? Is that why you keep squeezing
06:53Miss Jones's toothpaste? What she thinks to all this, I can't imagine.
06:56Ruth agrees with that. Yeah, too right, man. She's on our side.
06:59Oh, yes. Well, for your information, Miss Jones is a don't-know.
07:03She was a don't-know, but I had a long session with her the other night.
07:07She knows now. Well, I had a long session with her yesterday,
07:11and she agreed with every word I said. That's because she's frightened you'll
07:14cut her water off. Excuse me, Miss Jones.
07:21I've just heard the most disturbing news. In fact, I could hardly believe my ears.
07:24It's not true, Mr Rigsby. We're just good friends.
07:26What? Pardon? I mean about the election.
07:32Oh, the election. Yes, yes. I mean,
07:34those tubsters have just had the nerve to say that you're going to vote Labour.
07:37Oh, yes, I know. Philip can be so persuasive.
07:40Oh, but you can't, Miss Jones. Not a woman of your background.
07:43Well, to tell you the truth, I simply can't make up my mind.
07:46I feel so responsible, especially after watching shoulder to shoulder.
07:51I keep thinking of all those women chaining themselves to railings.
07:54Yes, but I explained it all to you yesterday, Miss Jones.
07:57I know. Yes, I mean, don't you remember?
07:58I showed you how we were going to balance the payments, encourage investment,
08:02eradicate unemployment, and cure inflation. Don't you remember?
08:06Maybe it's all in the back of that cigarette packet.
08:09Yes, I know, but you see, I still have doubts. Yes, well, I can understand that, Miss Jones,
08:12but you must remember our world is in danger. What world is that, Mr Rigsby?
08:17Our world, Miss Jones. The Sunday afternoon game of tennis.
08:21The sound of ball against gut. Scattered applause from the deck chairs.
08:26I didn't know you played tennis. Oh, I was never off the court before my strings went.
08:32You know, I still remember those days, Miss Jones. I can see it now, you know,
08:35the sun slanting through the French windows as we sipped our iced lemonade.
08:39I mean, that is our world, Miss Jones. Yes, I did used to go with the young farmers,
08:44but Daddy never really approved. They did tend to be a little robust.
08:49I think it came from watching all those animals.
08:52After the polls have closed, Miss Jones, Colonel Devere Brown and his good lady will be having
08:59some of us back to the manor for a celebration drink. Served by the butler in the library,
09:03of course. I wondered if you'd care to come. Well, I don't know. I'm not sure about Colonel
09:09Devere Brown. Why? What have you got against him, Miss Jones? I'm afraid I don't like his eyes.
09:14Oh, you can't vote against him because of his eyes, Miss Jones. I mean, what's wrong with them?
09:19Well, don't you think they're rather cold? Probably the glossy paper.
09:23Are you sure it's not all those blood sports he follows?
09:26Oh, nothing like that. I know he watches Leeds United.
09:29Well, I've seen pictures of him at County Life, and he's usually standing knee-deep in a pile of
09:33blood-stained feathers with both barrels smoking. He's got to relax sometimes.
09:39I thought they were trying to get away from the grouse shooting image.
09:42Well, most of those sort of men go in for shooting, Miss Jones. You know,
09:45it helps them to take their mind off things. I'm sure it does the same for the grouse.
09:49Well, I can assure you, Miss Jones, he is not inhuman. He's got a lovely pair of Labradors.
09:55Because I was, you know, rather counting on you, Miss Jones. You know,
09:58I've put you down for a car. I don't need a car,
10:00Mr. Rigsby. I'm not quite decrepit. No, no, of course not, Miss Jones.
10:03I do have a pair of legs, you know. Yes, of course, Miss Jones.
10:06Very, very nice pair too, if I may say so. I was saying to the butcher only the other day.
10:19Come on, Vienna, come on, come on.
10:32Hey, hey, look, how many times have I told you about putting red ribbons on Vienna?
10:35That cat's conservative. At least he is during the daytime, all right?
10:42Go on, off you go. And you can take... I'm not having these up here.
10:44And you can stop that row as well. If Colonel De Villapragne doesn't want it,
10:51will you shut up?
10:57You know, your trouble, Rigsby, you're a snob. The way you worship the upper classes.
11:01Well, at least they know how to behave. At least they're gentlemen.
11:03Gentlemen? Yeah, you wouldn't know the
11:04meaning of the word, of course. What about those rugby scrums, eh?
11:07When they all stand back and somebody's earhole's on the floor.
11:11That is character building.
11:14You ought to remember the depression, mate. I don't need to. I get it every time I come up here.
11:20And the hunger marches. The only hunger march you have been on
11:23is when you creep downstairs to one of Miss Jones's custard creams.
11:26Oh, my God, oh, look at that. Oh, dear, oh, dear, what a face.
11:30Oh, dear. Would you buy a second hand car from this man?
11:33He'd have a job. He sells BB-flip.
11:37What a face. He's a good speaker.
11:39Good speaker? He's a demagogue. You've only got to look at those eyes. Look.
11:42Ranting and raving, whipping his audience into a frenzy.
11:44I don't know what gets into him. Must be all those years among the soft toys.
11:47My God, look at those eyes. Why, I'm drunk with power, mate.
11:51Yeah, couldn't suss the blood out of that. Evening.
11:53Couldn't suss the blood out of that. Could you, could you?
12:09Hey, is that you? Stop that.
12:11This one's eating the top off you, can't he? Oh, very funny.
12:14Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You can't hold political meetings here. This is a private house.
12:18You know, I must say that I'm really very surprised
12:21at a man of your intelligence voting for Devere Brown.
12:24What do you mean? Well, you've only got to look at him.
12:26He's got no chin. Oh, of course he's got a chin.
12:28Oh, he's a decent enough chin. Quite sound on Dutch elm disease and swine fever,
12:33but completely lost on the important national issues.
12:36Look, look, we're not interested in the important national issues around here.
12:39We're more interested in who's been fouled in the footbath.
12:44Well, with those two Labradors of his, you won't have to look very far, will you?
12:47Very funny. At least we get those gyppos moved from down the end of the lane.
12:50I'm quite sure he will. He's had a lot of experience.
12:53Do you realise that his ancestors actually roasted peasants over open fire?
12:59But he's too remote. He's no idea of the enormous sacrifices that have to be made.
13:04Now, that's where you're wrong. You wait a minute now.
13:05During that last crisis, there was only one light burning in his house,
13:08and he shared the bathwater with his wife.
13:10Well, it's about the only thing he did share, and I bet he got into it first.
13:15What did he tell the striker's wives, eh?
13:17No more sexual relations till the men went back to work.
13:19He did not say that. He said, no more hot dinners.
13:26Well, we all know what he meant by that, don't we?
13:28Oh, yeah, you should too. What about that cottage you got in Wales
13:31and your Filipino houseboy?
13:35What do you mean?
13:35They're going to be a definite embarrassment when the Russians land, aren't they?
13:38Not to mention all those shares you've got in ICI.
13:42I absolutely refuse to discuss my private affairs with you.
13:45That's a cheap Tory jive. I see exactly what you mean about him.
13:49I shall go straight down to the committee room.
13:51Right, off you go.
13:52Keep up the good work, dear boys.
13:58Hey, you've not been linking arms with him, have you?
14:00What's so funny?
14:01What's so funny? Did you see that he was holding that cigarette?
14:03Aye, God, he shouldn't be with you. He should be with the Gay Liberation Front.
14:07That's typical of you, Mr. Smith. What are you trying to say?
14:10Well, he's a middle-class poof, anyone can see that.
14:13Well, you can't think of a political argument, can you? So you resort to that.
14:16Look, you know as well as I do, he spends half his time at the ballet.
14:19A lot of people go to the ballet.
14:20Yes, but not with a 25-year-old milkman, they don't.
14:25That's a cheap smear, Reesby.
14:26Now, I'm not standing around here banning your words.
14:29Now look, no more posters up anywhere, all right?
14:32Of course not, Reesby.
14:33After all, it is your house.
14:35As long as you remember that.
14:45Oh.
14:46Excuse me, my name's Platt, I'm your liberal candidate.
14:49Oh, yes.
14:51You're much nicer than the other two.
14:54I'm rather new to all this.
14:55Well, I'm sure you're doing awfully well.
14:57Won't you sit down?
14:58Thank you.
14:59Oh, oh, I see you've been studying form.
15:02Yes.
15:03Can I depend upon your vote, Miss...
15:05Miss Jones.
15:07Actually, I've always been rather liberal.
15:09It's my nature.
15:11On the other hand, I suppose I'm what people would call a political virgin.
15:15I don't seem to be able to take the plunge.
15:18Oh, I see.
15:18You mean you're a don't-know.
15:20No, I wouldn't exactly say that.
15:22I just need a little convincing.
15:24Well, of course, the personal approach is most important.
15:26That's why I've been going out meeting people, you know, shaking hands.
15:30We always say you can't beat skin to skin.
15:49I do think it's important to get to know one's candidate thoroughly.
15:52Don't you agree?
15:53Oh, yes.
15:55Would you like a pen?
15:56Oh, hold on, Mr. Platt.
15:58Are you married, Mr. Platt?
16:00No.
16:01Isn't that a coincidence?
16:02Neither am I.
16:03I suppose we're both don't-knows, waiting for the right candidate.
16:07I think I really ought to be going.
16:09Oh, no, please stay a little longer.
16:11You must be quite parched after all that public speaking.
16:14Oh, what warm hands you've got.
16:17Well, I've been parched out the door more than...
16:22This is Mr. Platt, our liberal candidate.
16:25Hello, Mr. Rigsby.
16:27I was just going to get a coffee.
16:28Would you like one, Mr. Rigsby?
16:29Could certainly do with something, Miss Jones, yes.
16:31I won't be a moment.
16:38I thought it would be a good idea if I introduced myself.
16:41Oh, yeah, yeah.
16:42I saw you yesterday speaking at the coin exchange.
16:44Really?
16:45Yeah.
16:46What did you think?
16:47I was riveted.
16:47Couldn't take my eyes off you.
16:49Really?
16:50That's most encouraging.
16:51Yeah.
16:52Your flowers were on the run.
16:56Oh.
16:59See, I'm rather a new boy at all.
17:02That's why I've been going meeting people,
17:04walkabout, you know, kissing a few babies.
17:06Well, you're taking a chance, aren't you?
17:09Your mother's daring to do that around here.
17:10You can catch any of them chickenpox to bury, bury, you know.
17:13But I do think it's most important.
17:15Shaking flesh.
17:16You've not been doing that here.
17:18I beg your pardon?
17:19Because you're wasting your time.
17:20She has spoken for me.
17:22Really?
17:23Well, I thought she was weakening.
17:24I've thought that for years.
17:26It's probably another false dawn.
17:29Look, Mr. Brigsby, I know you have your beliefs.
17:32But we do have your interests at heart.
17:35We intend to do an awful lot for the old age pensioners,
17:37chiefly being Mr. Baskerville.
17:39Just a minute.
17:40Look, I'm not a pensioner.
17:42That's 12 months' labour misrule.
17:44That I was quite young before they got in.
17:47Anyway, why do you always have to go on about the old age pensioners?
17:49All we need in this country is euthanasia.
17:51Surely, Mr. Brigsby, that's going on.
17:53Yeah, and all those Christmas bonuses they get.
17:55You should have seen them last night in the blue ramp.
17:57You couldn't get near the counter for pensioners.
17:58They were all on shorts.
18:01Hey, by the way, I meant to...
18:02Is that your car out there?
18:04Oh, yes.
18:04Oh, dearly.
18:05You should have let it under the light.
18:07They use hood caps for ashtrays round here.
18:09It's called communists.
18:10They don't believe in private property.
18:11Unless it's theirs, of course.
18:15Good lord, is that the time?
18:16Easily.
18:18Really must be going.
18:19I've got such a lot to do.
18:20Let's get down to the committee rooms.
18:22So sorry, Mr. Jones.
18:24You did mean the mini.
18:25Yes, yeah.
18:26It's not mine.
18:27It's my mother's.
18:30What a pity.
18:31He's such a charming man.
18:32Oh, yes, he may be, but you can't vote for him.
18:34He had a lovely handshake.
18:36Flesh to flesh, they call that, don't they?
18:38That's not all.
18:40He gave me something.
18:42What was that, Miss Jones?
18:43A ballpoint.
18:46I would have thought that contravened the regulations.
18:48And he had a lovely smile.
18:50You can't vote for a smile, Miss Jones.
18:51Isn't this world?
18:52I mean, you must vote for party and principle.
18:54We must stick together.
18:55We must have party loyalty.
18:57Are you coming to vote, Ruth?
18:58Oh, God, you never give up, do you?
19:00Have you decided?
19:01No, I'm absolutely torn.
19:02Everyone's so convincing.
19:03Well, you can't vote for them all.
19:04It's not the three draws.
19:05But, Ruth, you promised.
19:07Look, you came out of this.
19:08You can't bribe Miss Jones with a sunshade and a few beads.
19:12I told you which way to vote.
19:13Oh, did you hear that?
19:14See, I told you, yes.
19:15You see, in this country, the women do as they're told.
19:17No women's limb out there.
19:18Oh, march 10 paces beyond with a pot on your head.
19:21Actually, Philip, I do have a mind as well as a body.
19:24Of course, I just thought you were more intelligent than to be influenced by Rigsby.
19:28Oh, there's somebody else coming to see how we're going to vote.
19:30Right, you'd better make up your mind, Miss Jones.
19:32Time's running out.
19:40Oh, Colonel Trevear Brown.
19:41This is an unexpected pleasure.
19:42Come in, come in.
19:43Thank you.
19:44Roper, Bella, heel.
19:51I just called, Mr, um...
19:53Um, don't you remember me?
19:56What?
19:57You must have seen me standing around the billion room.
19:59I don't quite follow.
20:01Down the club.
20:03Yes, I thought your face was familiar.
20:05Yes, yes.
20:06You'll know me better once we've met over the green bays.
20:10Oh, of course.
20:12I'm glad to see you're one of the faithful Ragsmen.
20:14Oh, yes, Colonel Trevear Brown.
20:16Yes, yes, yes.
20:17Yes, you can count on me.
20:18Good man.
20:19I was just doing the rounds, trying to flush a few more out.
20:22Yes, yes, of course, yes.
20:23Roper, come here.
20:26Oh, sorry about that.
20:31That's all right, it'll scrape off.
20:34Lovely dark, isn't it?
20:37Yes, wonderful mouth.
20:41Well, have you got your people out yet?
20:43Well, it's been very hard work, Colonel.
20:44Yes, but we mustn't give up.
20:46No, no, no, of course not, no.
20:47I flushed out quite a few down the road.
20:49Yes, yes, well, of course, you've got the Labradores.
20:52What?
20:56How's the, uh, how's the, uh, the bang, the bang, bang?
20:59How's the shooting going there this year?
21:01Oh, not so good.
21:02The birds all got this dreadful disease,
21:04all flapping around on the floor.
21:06Oh, dear, foul pest.
21:09Yeah, oh, it's very nasty, yes.
21:11As a matter of fact, I'm something of a shot myself, Colonel.
21:13Oh, I didn't know that.
21:14Oh, yes, yes, you know, quick eye, you know, natural reflexes, you know,
21:18sudden movement, whir of feathers, and I'm round, you know.
21:21Another one for the pot.
21:24Yeah, that's very interesting.
21:28Well, are we having trouble getting your people out here?
21:30Yeah, yeah, well, it's been a bit of an uphill task, Colonel.
21:32You know, I'm afraid they don't appreciate the finer things of life around here.
21:35I'm afraid that they're mostly communists, you know.
21:37Oh, I'm not surprised, Ragsbit.
21:39Just look at this place.
21:41See that dam?
21:42You know what this is, don't you?
21:44The unacceptable face of capitalism.
21:47See what?
21:48How much they charge for the ranch now?
21:51What do you mean?
21:52How much a week?
21:54Six.
21:55Six scoundrels.
21:57You ought to put him in front of the rent tribunal.
22:01Don't worry, Ragsbit, I understand.
22:04Frightened of the landlord.
22:05Nasty piece of work, I suppose.
22:07Well, we intend doing something about this place when we get in.
22:10Probably have it pulled down, build some flats for single tenants.
22:15Stop all this exploitation.
22:17Just a minute, you can't pull this place down.
22:18This is my home.
22:19Don't worry, you'll be all right.
22:21We'll find you a place.
22:22Find me a place?
22:22Look, I am the landlord, you great puddin'.
22:27What?
22:29You're supposed to be a marshal.
22:30You're supposed to protect the landlord.
22:31Not your sort of landlord, Ragsbit.
22:34I remember you now.
22:36You're the chap they disqualified from the billiards competition
22:39for wetting the end of your opponent's cue.
22:43That was a lie.
22:44The party can do without people like you, Ragsbit.
22:46And I can do it, Rigsby.
22:48And I can do it without you, you great public school twit.
22:50Oh, you wouldn't play dillies with me, would you?
22:51Not good enough.
22:52No, no, just because I wasn't born with a silver spoon in my mouth.
22:54Yes, well, I can get along without you, mate.
22:55I'm a self-made man.
22:56Now, go on, get out of here and take those dirty tights with you
22:59before I slap the cat on them.
22:59Go on.
23:00Don't worry, Ragsby, I'm going.
23:01Go on.
23:02Yes.
23:02Rupert, come up.
23:05And don't bother to come into the billiard room again, Ragsbit.
23:08I won't.
23:10Rigsby!
23:11Oh, come on, Rupert.
23:12The polling booth will be shut by the time you've made your point.
23:14Right, where are those placards of yours?
23:16Here, why?
23:17Here, I'll tell you why.
23:18There's just been a 10% swing to the left.
23:20Oh, come on, Rigsby.
23:21Mr. Rigsby, you said it.
23:23Never mind what I said.
23:24I can change me mind.
23:24How does that song of yours go?
23:26The people's flag is the man who's led.
23:30It's carried on, on, on.
23:32The people's flag is the man who's led.
23:35It's carried on, on, on.
24:02The people's flag is the man who's led.