Rising Damp - 101 [couchtripper][U]
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00:00♪
00:30APPLAUSE
00:48Ah, Rigsby. Have you thought any more about the room?
00:52I have thought about it, yes.
00:54Only you said you'd consider me.
00:55Did I?
00:56Yeah, you did say that.
00:57No, no, you couldn't afford a room like this.
00:59How much is it?
01:00Six.
01:01Six?!
01:02You can't charge six for this.
01:04Why not?
01:05It's too small.
01:06Oh, no, it looks small. That's the heavy wallpaper.
01:09Should have used paler colours.
01:11But you couldn't get a room like this for less than six.
01:13I mean, look at it.
01:14Functional with just a hint of luxury.
01:17As it should appeal to the professional class.
01:19All I've got to do is get a phone in.
01:21If you put a phone in here, it'll look like a telephone box.
01:24Very funny, but if it's so small, why do you want it?
01:26Because it's freezing up there and it's damp.
01:28I've told you before, it is not damp.
01:30I've got rising damp. My furniture's falling to pieces.
01:32How can you have rising damp in the attic, eh?
01:36If you're higher than the crows up there,
01:38you should be very healthy, like Switzerland.
01:40Switzerland? Rigsby, my suits are going green.
01:42Yes, I don't deny your suits are going green,
01:44but it is not rising damp.
01:45What is it, then?
01:46Condensation.
01:49Condensation?
01:50Yes, and you know why?
01:51Because you will try and cook a five-course meal on one gas ring.
01:54I can't see you for steam some nights.
01:57That's because it's so cold up there.
01:59Yes, of course it's cold. Never said it wasn't.
02:01There's nothing between this house and the Urals.
02:04You're breathing the same air as the Tartars up there, you know.
02:07Look how long they live.
02:08I should charge you extra.
02:10I can't go on like this, Rigsby.
02:12I've forgotten what it's like to wear open-neck shirts.
02:14And I can't spread butter out of great holes in the bread.
02:17I can't study. The brain won't function at such low temperatures.
02:20Ah, not the only thing that won't function, is it?
02:24Which, in your case, isn't a bad thing.
02:26When did you last study?
02:27The only thing you study is your navel.
02:29You even shave lying down.
02:33When did you last go to the college?
02:35They must have forgotten what you look like down there.
02:37Of course they haven't. I go regularly.
02:39How can you? Your hair's never dry.
02:43Ah, so that's it. It's my hair, is it?
02:45Well, let me tell you, Jesus Christ had long hair.
02:47Now, that's enough of that.
02:48What?
02:49Don't you go comparing yourself with him. You show a bit of respect.
02:52But it's true. He did have long hair.
02:54He didn't get his hair dry, though, did he?
02:58Didn't give himself blow waves.
03:00I'll tell you one thing.
03:01If Jesus Christ came down to Earth today, he wouldn't get this room.
03:04Why not?
03:05For one thing, he'd have to have his hair cut,
03:07and for another thing, he couldn't afford it.
03:09Oh, very funny.
03:10Anyway, this room contains my own personal property, you see.
03:13Most of this furniture belonged to my father.
03:15He died in that city.
03:21So?
03:22It's a question of respecting his memory.
03:24I'll respect his memory.
03:25No, no, no, you don't understand. He was a man of very high principles.
03:28Do you know, he once got off a bus
03:30rather than sit against a woman with bare arms.
03:32That's the sort of man he was.
03:34What's that got to do with it?
03:36Well, how's he going to feel when the 1974 Sex Olympics start in that city?
03:40I can't get a woman to come back here, Rigsby.
03:42I've tried to take one look at that place
03:44and remember a previous appointment.
03:46I know, I've told you. Get it cut, get it cut.
03:48It might improve your chances if you didn't look so much like Rasputin.
03:52No, I don't believe it, Rigsby. You're so narrow-minded.
03:55Just because I've got long hair, there's no reason to dislike me.
03:58Do you know, I think you only grew your hair long
04:00so as you could say that's why people disliked you.
04:02I think they disliked you before.
04:04Well, they don't dislike me as much as they dislike you.
04:06Who dislikes me? I'll punch their heads in.
04:10Hello, Alan. Oh, Mr Rigsby.
04:12I wonder if I could have a word.
04:14Yes, yes, of course, Miss Jennings. Do you want to come down to my room?
04:16No, no, it won't take a moment.
04:19Would you excuse me?
04:22I'll leave the door open. I'm sorry.
04:25Please, shall I show you around?
04:27I was wondering, Mr Rigsby.
04:29I have a student at the college who needs a room.
04:33Is this one available?
04:35Student? Oh, I don't know about that, Miss Jones.
04:37Well, I wouldn't normally ask,
04:39but accommodation is such a problem at the college
04:41and it is my responsibility. Yes, of course, yes.
04:43Well, I'd certainly like to do you a favour, Miss Jones, of course.
04:46I mean, look what happened last time when we got him up there.
04:49You mustn't be too hard on Alan.
04:51I think he's shy and lonely.
04:53Yeah, so was Crippin.
04:56Do you know, he's just had the nerve to ask for this room himself.
04:59I wasn't having him down here, not next door to you,
05:01taunting you with this rock music.
05:03I mean, it wouldn't be fair, not to a woman of your refinement.
05:06You know, Miss Jones, there are some men
05:08who'd try to take advantage of a single woman like you living on her own.
05:12Do you think so, Mr Rigsby? Ooh, what?
05:15Do you know, if you don't mind me saying so, Miss Jones,
05:18you waste too much time on these students.
05:20You ought to think of yourself more.
05:22You need the companionship of someone near your own age,
05:25someone who's seen something of the world, who's knocked about a bit,
05:28who's understanding, you know, with a sense of humour.
05:32I don't meet people like that, Mr Rigsby.
05:37This, um, this student, Miss Jones, he hasn't got long hair, has he?
05:41No, as a matter of fact, it's quite short.
05:43Mr Smith is rather aristocratic.
05:45Oh, aristocratic. Smith.
05:47And I must say, he seems a perfect gentleman.
05:49Oh, well, it's a long time since we had one of those round here.
05:52And he's very conscientious and hard-working.
05:54Ah. In fact, Mr Smith is a very mature student.
05:57Ah. Is he a friend of yours?
05:59No, no, I've only met him briefly.
06:01Oh. I do appreciate this, Mr Rigsby.
06:03Oh, well, anything for you, Miss Jones, as you know.
06:06How much is the rent? Oh, shall we say £4?
06:08Well, that sounds very reasonable. Thank you very much, Mr Rigsby.
06:11Anything else, any time?
06:15Hey, hey, Vienna. Hey, hey.
06:20I think I did meself a bit of good there.
06:30I want that table.
06:33What for? It belongs downstairs.
06:36But I'm eating off it. I warned you might want it at any time.
06:41Can't you wait till I've finished?
06:43Look, I can't wait for you to stop eating, mate. Life's too short.
06:46Come on.
06:47I have to eat, Rigsby, in order to keep warm.
06:53I've never seen anyone clear a plate faster than you.
06:56It's as if you're feeding something under the table.
06:59Come on, come on. I'm doing you a favour, really.
07:01Ought to take your knife and fork as well. Come on.
07:03I'll be careful. You'll spill it.
07:05God, what a mess. You're not cooking these dried peas again, are you?
07:09What's wrong with that? They get everywhere.
07:11They come drumming down the stairs like grapeshoppers.
07:15It's all right for you. You'd have to clean them up.
07:17Come on, I've got to get on.
07:19Why are you in such a hurry? I've got a gentleman coming.
07:22A what? A gentleman.
07:24What's he coming for? As a matter of fact, he's coming for the room.
07:27Ah, so that's it. Yes, that's it.
07:29Well, he won't stay? Oh, yes, he will.
07:31Just as long as you keep away from him. You're not getting that room.
07:34What do you mean? Don't think I don't know why the last one left.
07:37He left to keep a room. No, no, he didn't.
07:39He left because he found a jar marked epithelium germs in his bed.
07:43You keep away from him. Right, let's have that table. Come on.
07:46What about me friend?
07:48I've been looking forward to him. He hasn't had one for weeks.
07:53Where did that come from?
07:55Don't you recognise him, Rigsby?
07:57He's the fellow that had the room before me.
08:00He's the one who was complaining about the cold.
08:03Look, shake hands with Mr Rigsby.
08:05Get out of here.
08:07Why? It's morbid, that's why.
08:09I should have thought you'd be used to sights like this
08:11after your exploits in the Western Desert.
08:13Oh, don't you worry. I've seen more of those bleached by the desert
08:16than you've had on dinners, but I don't want one in the house, so get him out.
08:19Look, I have to study anatomy, Rigsby.
08:21How can I set bones if I don't know what they look like?
08:23They'll never let you set bones.
08:25Look what happened when you examined Vienna.
08:27He only had a slight limb. By the time you'd finished with him,
08:30it was a dislocated hip.
08:32If they ever make you a doctor, I shall write to the medical council.
08:35Well, at least it's someone to talk to, and it's musical.
08:38Dem bones, dem bones, dem bones...
08:42That's not funny.
08:46Won't do you any good, you know.
08:48What do you mean?
08:50I know why you're doing it, dirty old man.
08:52Why? Nothing could be further from my mind.
08:54She's a respectable woman.
08:56Then why do you clean her windows three times a week?
08:58You thank your lucky stars I'm holding this table.
09:01And you'd better watch your step.
09:03Things are beginning to look up around here.
09:05There might not be room for you now.
09:07Not now I'm getting in a better class of tenant.
09:09Excuse me. My name's Smith.
09:11This is my room.
09:27Well, that's done it.
09:29Done what?
09:31Didn't you see him? She said he was aristocratic, aristocratic.
09:34Probably never had a pair of shoes until he came here.
09:37Don't tell me you're prejudiced, Rigsby.
09:39After all, we're all supposed to be brothers.
09:41He's not my brother.
09:43My brother lives in Accrington.
09:45Hey, hey, did you see that mark on his cheek?
09:49Initiation ceremony.
09:51That's no different from the Germans in the duelling scars.
09:54He didn't get that in Heidelberg.
09:56That's a tribal mark, you know.
09:59What's going to happen when he hears the drums?
10:03You wait. You wait till the next full moon.
10:05We'll all be locking our doors.
10:09You wait till we get the washing of spears.
10:12Rigsby, you ought to be ashamed of yourself.
10:14He's a stranger here. We should be making him feel at home.
10:19Perhaps you're right. Hey, where's that jar of diphtheria jam?
10:28I don't know.
10:47I...
10:50I...
11:00So you've made yourself at home, then?
11:02Yeah.
11:03What do you think of it?
11:05It seems very nice.
11:06Oh, yes, it seems nice, yes.
11:08That's the wallpaper. Very good quality.
11:10But it has to be to hold these bricks together, eh?
11:13Eh?
11:14See the way they've come...
11:16This house holds back half the town, you know.
11:18And, of course, we're very high up here.
11:20I'm insured against low-flying aircraft.
11:22It's in the policy.
11:24And there's nothing between this house and Russia?
11:26Who told you that?
11:27Miss Jones did happen to mention.
11:29How well do you know Miss Jones?
11:31Not very well, but she's in administration.
11:33Oh, yes, I know that. I know all about Miss Jones.
11:36She's a friend of mine, but I'm not rushing it.
11:39All right with you?
11:41Yes.
11:42You know, nothing personal, you know,
11:44but we don't want any misunderstandings, do we?
11:46It's what I told young Lenin upstairs.
11:48Who?
11:49The one upstairs, the one with the long hair.
11:51Did you see him? Right down to his shoulders.
11:53Is he at the university?
11:54Yeah.
11:55I don't think I know him.
11:56No, you wouldn't, no.
11:57He only goes out after dark.
12:01Hey, watch this gas! It'll take your head off.
12:03Now, if it starts hissing like a snake,
12:05don't try and light it, whatever you do.
12:07Leave that door open to fetch me, all right?
12:09Did I mention the rent?
12:10Yes.
12:11It's £6 a week, and I insist on a month in advance.
12:14Miss Jones didn't mention that.
12:28Right.
12:29Right, just right.
12:34Come on, Vienna, come on.
12:36Isn't that a strange name for a cat?
12:38We don't think so.
12:39Why do you call him Vienna?
12:40Oh, well, no.
12:41You take this cat to the door on the coldest night of the year,
12:44when you'd have to kick a polar bear out, never mind a cat.
12:46You show him the front door,
12:47and if he sees another pair of eyes out there,
12:49it's good night, Vienna.
13:03Hello.
13:04Welcome to Bleak House.
13:07Mind if I come in for a warm?
13:10I'm Alan Moore, live upstairs.
13:12Philip Smith.
13:13How do you do?
13:19You know, this is great.
13:21What is?
13:22You coming to live here.
13:23Why?
13:24Well, we've never had a...
13:28A what?
13:30Well, I've never known a...
13:33It'll be an experience.
13:34What sort of experience?
13:36I don't know.
13:38Let's get one thing straight.
13:39I'm not an experience.
13:41No, no, no, of course not, no.
13:47What do you think of Rigsby?
13:48I don't know.
13:49Is he mad?
13:50Probably.
13:53He lives downstairs, all alone with his cat.
13:55No-one's ever been in his room.
13:57Some say that he was jilted on his wedding day,
13:59and he sits down there all night with the remains of the cake.
14:05I was hoping to get some peace and quiet here.
14:07I do have a lot of work to do.
14:09Of course, yeah, yeah, I won't disturb you.
14:16Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, of course.
14:18Well, um...
14:19Well, look, if there's anything you want,
14:21don't hesitate to ask, all right?
14:25Good night, Philip.
14:26Good night.
14:38Philip, at last.
14:40I've been so impatient waiting for the others to go.
14:43I wanted to give you a proper welcome.
14:48Are you all right for butter?
14:52Do you think we should be doing this?
14:54Do you realise this is the first time we've been alone since that night?
14:57What night?
14:58That night. You haven't forgotten, Philip?
15:00Oh, that night.
15:02Don't you remember?
15:03You said my skin was like the skin of fruit.
15:05I thought that was lovely, so poetical.
15:09What fruit did you mean, Philip?
15:12Ruth, I'm rather busy at the moment and we've got to think of appearances.
15:15I don't care about appearances.
15:17Let's be impulsive.
15:18Let's drink life to the dregs.
15:21Is that Rigsby?
15:22Rigsby?
15:23We should have to be careful.
15:24He can be very funny about this sort of thing.
15:26What will he do?
15:27Well, he cuts my water off.
15:32Not that I care.
15:34Not any more.
15:36Black on white, Philip.
15:38What's the matter?
15:39Nothing. I'm just thinking how much work I've got to do.
15:42Do you ever think about that night, Philip?
15:44The way we ran hand in hand in the pouring rain?
15:47You do find the rain primitive, don't you, Philip?
15:49Mary, I wanted to get a taxi.
15:51Do you remember what we said to each other?
15:53You said you could get me a flat.
15:55I didn't know you were going to be next door.
15:57How am I going to get any work done?
15:59Work can wait, Philip.
16:02Perhaps we can exchange our supplements sometime, Mr Smith.
16:07Mr Rigsby.
16:08Miss Jones.
16:13What was she doing up here?
16:15She came to see if there was anything I wanted.
16:17Oh, I see. You don't want anything, do you?
16:19No.
16:20All right.
16:21Because if there is, you know, you'll come to me.
16:24Here's your rent book.
16:25Thank you.
16:26I'll mark...
16:32Oh, I...
16:38Well, there's...
16:42It gets more like a lady's hairdresser's every day.
16:45Well, he's staying. Just can't get rid of him.
16:50I tried being diplomatic. Now she'll have to get nasty.
16:53Rigsby, I've told you, we should all try and live together.
16:55You're prejudiced.
16:56No, I'm not.
16:57You don't even like people with heavy suntans.
17:00What about the trouble I had with that Indian who was here, eh?
17:03All that cooking and bringing his friends in.
17:05I used to arrive with 24 of them in the back of a taxi.
17:08I never complained, and what happens, eh?
17:10Left doing a month's rent.
17:12I bet you squeezed him out.
17:13No, I didn't.
17:14He went on a day trip to Boulogne.
17:16They wouldn't let him back in again.
17:20What's that got to do with Philip?
17:21I don't know why Miss Jones had to bring him here in the first place.
17:24Perhaps she fancies him.
17:25You watch your tongue.
17:27She's not like that. She's a respectable woman.
17:29She's saved herself.
17:30What for?
17:31For the right man.
17:32Not you, Rigsby.
17:33Oh, why not?
17:34I thought you said she was respectable.
17:36She is.
17:37But underneath, you see, she's untapped.
17:40There's a lot of pent-up force there.
17:43One of these days, she's going to burst like a dam, and I'll be waiting.
17:47Perhaps a dam's been burst already.
17:49No.
17:50Anybody tries to come between me and her...
17:53Oh, there they are.
18:00Did you want something, Rigsby?
18:02No, no, no, just...
18:04You know, just seeing you settle in, that was all.
18:06Well, if you don't mind.
18:08Cos the last tenant in here, he never did settle somehow.
18:11He seemed to sense an atmosphere, you know.
18:13What sort of atmosphere?
18:15You know, bad spirits.
18:16What?
18:17Well, you see, years ago, a man died in here, in this room,
18:20in horrible circumstances.
18:21Took his own life whilst the balance of mind was disturbed.
18:24I think I know the feeling.
18:26I'm only surprised that he found the time.
18:28Doesn't worry you, then?
18:29No.
18:30Well, I just thought I'd mention it, you know,
18:32just in case you were of a nervous disposition.
18:34God, look at the cat!
18:35Look who he is, first, and then an ant!
18:39He can sense it.
18:42Him and me, we wouldn't spend a night in here, not for a fortune.
18:45I'm relieved to hear it.
18:47Now, if you don't mind.
18:49Horrible circumstances.
18:52HE CLEARS THROAT
19:08Oh, God!
19:11What's the matter, Phillip? You look worried.
19:13Worried? This is like being in the middle of a sponsored walk.
19:16I've made work under these conditions.
19:18of a sponsored walk. How can I work under these conditions?
19:21You're working too hard, Philip. You should try and relax.
19:25Why don't you come and lie down? Shall I turn the covers back for you?
19:35What's that doing here? It's not mine. What's it doing in your bed?
19:39There are other things you can go to bed with, you know.
19:43Don't worry, don't worry. Now, then, what's your little game, eh?
19:47Do you think you can start that sort of thing around me?
19:50Don't be ridiculous, Rigsby. He's perfectly respectable.
19:53He happens to be the son of a chief. Son of a what?
19:56Son of a chief. A paramount chief. Oh, my God.
19:59Son of a chief? He never said nothing to me. He doesn't want anyone to know.
20:02He wants to be bloody secretive. I'm trying to lead an ordinary life.
20:05All I want is to be left alone. If that's how you feel, Philip.
20:14DOOR CLOSES
20:22Son of a chief, eh? It's not important.
20:24Oh, no, it's not important. You don't have to tell me that.
20:27It's just your luck, isn't it?
20:29I suppose you come from an old family. Yes.
20:32Born to it, yes. It was the same in wartime, you know.
20:35My old captain, he came from a good family.
20:37Not like these toughny-apeny gentlemen you get nowadays.
20:40He always carried a walking stick, smoked a pipe.
20:43I never saw him ruffled. Whenever Jerry'd open up, he'd just lean on his stick and say,
20:47''Where do you think that's coming from, Sergeant?''
20:50Everyone would leap for cover, not the captain.
20:52What happened to him? He got blown up by a shell.
20:58I suppose, you know, being the son of a chief, you can have your pick.
21:03What? You know, women.
21:06Oh, yes. Yeah.
21:07Is it true that your women are much more, you know...
21:10Oh, yes. Much more. Yes, I've heard that.
21:13It's a medical fact. They get far more excited.
21:16Yeah. Ours are always getting headaches.
21:20Yours get headaches? No, I don't think so.
21:24Miss Jones gets headaches. Terrible ones. She has to wear blue glasses.
21:28Of course, you're very hard on your women, aren't you?
21:31What do you mean? Well, you know,
21:32you make them walk for miles in the hot sun with pots on their heads.
21:35Oh, yes. To keep them in their place.
21:38What are you doing? I'm going.
21:40Isn't that what you wanted? Oh, I see.
21:42Not good enough for you, is that it?
21:43Just because you're the son of a chief, you know,
21:44you needn't look down your nose at this place.
21:47Very, very fashionable area here, you know.
21:49We had the manager of the co-op drapery staying here last year.
21:52He never complained.
21:53Do you know, we're getting breezes straight off the Euros here, you know.
21:55I can't stop here, Rigsby. I never get any work done.
21:57Yes, but just a minute. What about my rent?
21:59Where do you think you're going to find another room in this town?
22:03There's no need to be hasty.
22:05There is another room. Much quieter.
22:08Just a minute.
22:23What are you doing in there, Rigsby?
22:25Oh, I'm just bringing your table back, that's all.
22:27Oh, thanks. That's great.
22:28Hey, I shouldn't go in there. Not with your curlers in, anyway.
22:32Hey, what's going on? This is my room.
22:34I beg your pardon, but this is my room.
22:39Hey, Rigsby, I'm not sharing.
22:41Neither am I.
22:42I've had full time everywhere.
22:44You're the Vessel Virgins. You'll get used to it.
22:47You can be brothers. Or sisters.