Rising Damp - 106 [couchtripper][U]
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:00Come on, come on, Vienna.
00:29You don't want to stay out in this, it's getting foggy.
00:31Come on, this is the night the cat men come.
00:33Come on, come on.
00:35You don't want to end up stretched across a tennis racket, do you?
00:39God, where are you? What are you doing?
00:41Oh, God, I might have known it.
00:43You get those ears torn off one of these nights.
00:45They're like clothespins, as it is.
00:49No wonder you haven't got the strength to get out of that chair all day.
00:51You're lucky.
00:55Miss Jones?
00:57Miss Jones?
00:59Upcoming, Miss Jones?
01:01Miss Jones, what's the matter?
01:03It was awful just now in my room. I saw the shadow.
01:05Oh, you'd better sit down, you've gone ashen.
01:07I feel quite faint.
01:09All right, Miss Jones.
01:11Should I loosen your clothing?
01:13No, no, that won't be necessary.
01:15Perhaps if you put your head between your knees?
01:17I always think that looks so ungainly, Mr. Rigsby.
01:21Besides, I feel much better now.
01:23Well, what happened?
01:25Well, I got up to get some water for my red tablets.
01:27I turned round and at the window I saw the shadow
01:29and these horrible staring eyes.
01:31That's when I screamed.
01:33I covered my face and screamed.
01:35When I looked again, he'd gone.
01:39Well, he's certainly not up here now, Miss Jones.
01:41Are you quite sure you saw something?
01:43I mean, you know, the light can play very funny tricks, you know.
01:45Well, of course I'm sure.
01:47I saw those horrible staring eyes.
01:49Could it have been a reflection?
01:51Certainly not.
01:53You don't believe me, Mr. Rigsby?
01:55No, no, no, of course I believe you, Miss Jones.
01:57You know, I just wondered how he could have got up here.
01:59You know, there's no drainpipe.
02:01I don't know how he got up here.
02:03Perhaps he used a trampoline.
02:05Perhaps he's a nocturnal pole vaulter.
02:07All I know is he was in my room.
02:09Yes, yes, all right.
02:11You must try and keep calm, Miss Jones.
02:13You've had a very nasty shock, but you must keep calm.
02:15The question is, where is he now?
02:17You don't think he's still out there?
02:19Well, he could be.
02:22I don't think I should leave your side tonight, Miss Jones.
02:25What do you mean?
02:27Well, I mean, what was he doing up here in your room?
02:29You don't mean?
02:31He didn't come up here just to leave a box of milk tray, did he?
02:33No.
02:35I mean, you could have been another victim of the permissive society.
02:37Are there really people like that, Mr. Rigsby?
02:39Oh, you'd be amazed.
02:41There's a lot of it about, Miss Jones.
02:43Yes, I wonder why those two didn't come down when you screamed.
02:45I suppose they could be in bed.
02:47Yeah, they'll be suffering from another energy crisis.
02:49You mean they've no heating?
02:51No, I mean they've no energy.
02:53I'll just have a quick look around, Miss Jones.
02:55Now, you keep your door locked.
02:57Oh, you be careful, Mr. Rigsby.
02:59Don't worry, Miss Jones, I'm not easily frightened.
03:01And after Anzio, every day's a bonus.
03:05I don't know what this place is coming to.
03:07Miss Jones has just had an intruder.
03:09What?
03:11Yeah, she's very upset about it.
03:13Why, did he get away?
03:15Look, it's not funny.
03:17A woman can't get a night's sleep without some sex maniac bursting in.
03:21Hey, where's your mate?
03:23He's having a bath.
03:25He's always having a bath.
03:27There's nothing wrong with having a bath, Rigsby.
03:29How would you know? You've been here six months.
03:31The name hasn't gone off your soap yet.
03:33See, I sometimes think he only keep it in that bath.
03:35It was a status symbol.
03:37Hey, I suppose he is having a bath.
03:39Of course.
03:41You're not suggesting it was Philip?
03:43Did she say it was Philip?
03:45No, it was too dark. She couldn't distinguish his features.
03:47Well, she wouldn't, would she?
03:49As long as he remembered not to smile.
03:51Philip's not like that.
03:53We don't know what he's like.
03:55He's no different from me.
03:57That's no recommendation.
03:59Just because he's black, Rigsby.
04:01I mean, we're all the same underneath.
04:03We're all 70% water.
04:05You speak for yourself.
04:07It's true. We're all 70% water.
04:0970%. We lose all over the floor.
04:11And we're not all the same underneath either.
04:13All right, all right.
04:15If we're all the same, if they're the same as us,
04:17why do they always break down on the M1?
04:19Philip, haven't you seen them?
04:21Staring with childlike bewilderment
04:23at the steaming radiators?
04:25Of course they're not the same.
04:27And we didn't have any of this trouble
04:29before he came here either.
04:31You're being ridiculous, Rigsby.
04:33I suppose it needn't have been them down there.
04:35Well, I'm glad you admit it.
04:37Could have been you.
04:39Hold on. I've got examinations.
04:41Not much. Look at this.
04:43You've only got to turn to the first page,
04:45the one with the gravy stains on.
04:47Underneath the silken sheets,
04:49the contours of her firm young body.
04:55You know it's bad for your eyes, don't you?
04:57What?
04:59Small print.
05:01This book has considerable literary merit.
05:03Considerable literary...
05:05That's hard porn, that is, mate.
05:07Handed over at midnight under a plain wrapper.
05:09I've no wonder the woman's not safe any more.
05:11Oh, there you are.
05:13What's the matter?
05:15Ruth's had an intruder.
05:17What?
05:19Yes. She saw this dark shadowy figure in her room.
05:21I reckon the only way he could have got into her room
05:23was by the stairs.
05:25Now, I'm just checking up on everybody, all right?
05:27Spooner couldn't be in because he's away at Wolverhampton wrestling.
05:29He'll be back till two.
05:31Anyway, he's frightened of the dark.
05:33That just leaves the people in this room.
05:35Yes, I see what you mean.
05:37Where were you when this happened, Ruthie?
05:39I was just putting...
05:41Hey, listen, mate, I'm the one asking the questions, all right?
05:43My God, what a country.
05:45Oh, I suppose it wouldn't happen in your country.
05:47No, not with the skinning men.
05:51Skinning men, who are they?
05:53We hand people like that over to the skinning men,
05:55and they skin them.
05:57But you mean alive.
05:59Of course. There wouldn't be much point if they weren't alive.
06:01It's an art.
06:03A dog's supposed to break the skin.
06:05I said it unlucky.
06:07Unlucky, you fool!
06:09Hey, I bet that cures him, eh?
06:11I bet they don't feel like sliding down the drainpipes after that.
06:13Yes.
06:15We could do with the skinning men over here, I reckon.
06:17Well, don't look at us, Rigsby.
06:19We're studying. We haven't got time for things like that, have we, Philip?
06:21Of course not.
06:23No, the bloke who had the room before you, he was studying.
06:25Oh, very studious, he was.
06:27Oh, busy, busy.
06:29Busy making the hole.
06:31What hole? Hole in the floor.
06:33He was getting undressed, ready for bed one night,
06:35covered all over in plaster,
06:37had his hot little eye to this hole in the floor,
06:39and I moved him on after that.
06:41Why? Wasn't there room for both of you?
06:43Where is this hole?
06:45It's, er... Oh, mind your own business.
06:47Rigsby, would be this intruder might be a burglar, you know.
06:49What?
06:51Yeah, he could be, after all that money you've got under the floorboards.
06:53Look, I've told you before, I haven't got any money under the floorboards.
06:55I'm a poor man, always have been.
06:57Look, you don't fool anybody with that tacit appearance, Rigsby.
06:59We all know about a miser's hoard.
07:01He's probably a London mob.
07:03I'll just have a quick look round.
07:05You'd better be on the safe side.
07:27Yes, yes, what's that?
07:29Constable Baker, Regional Crime Squad.
07:31I hope you don't mind, sir, but you left your front door open.
07:33It's a bit unwise this time of night,
07:35especially as we've heard reports of a prowler being in the vicinity.
07:37Oh, a prowler?
07:39You haven't seen him, have you, sir?
07:41Er, no, no, but Miss Jones downstairs has.
07:43He was in her room.
07:45She actually saw him?
07:47Yes, well, I mean, just his shadow, you know.
07:49I thought it was one of them across the hall.
07:51Have you checked to see if there's anything missing?
07:53Er, just going to.
07:55Yes, I would say.
07:57Thank you.
08:03Just me holiday money.
08:07Is it all there, sir?
08:09Hang on.
08:11Yeah, should I put it back?
08:13Yes, I don't see why not, sir.
08:15Better than unit trusts.
08:21We'll all be needing a little hole like that.
08:23Things go on as they are.
08:25Of course, he may not be after money.
08:27You say he was in Miss Jones' room?
08:29Er, yes, sir.
08:31Well, I'd better go and see her,
08:33then after that I'll question the others.
08:35For all we know, the prowler may live in this house.
08:37Yes?
08:39Don't be alarmed, Miss Jones.
08:41This gentleman's a police officer.
08:43Oh, I'm so relieved.
08:45You don't know how glad I am to see you, officer.
08:47I'd just like to ask a few questions.
08:49Of course, I knew you were a policeman.
08:51You look so clean-cut and resolute.
08:53I can't say I'd noticed.
08:55I'm sure you'll soon catch him. You look so determined.
08:57And then what'll happen, eh?
08:59I suppose they'll pat him on the head, tell him not to be a naughty boy,
09:01he'll be remanded for a report,
09:03and there'll be three doctors saying he had trouble with his potty in early infancy.
09:05If you don't mind, sir,
09:07I'd like to ask Miss Jones
09:09a few questions in private.
09:11Of course.
09:13I'll be outside if anybody needs me.
09:17Now, miss.
09:19Do you want me on the settee?
09:21Yes, miss. Make yourself comfortable.
09:23Thank you.
09:25Ask me as many questions as you like.
09:27Thank you, miss.
09:31I once went out with a policeman.
09:33Oh, really?
09:35Some years ago. Of course, it didn't last.
09:37He would wear his uniform all the time.
09:39People thought I was being arrested.
09:41I had to keep swinging my arms
09:43to show we weren't handcuffed together.
09:45I see.
09:47And he was in constant touch by shortwave radio.
09:49It was very distressing in a tender moment
09:51to hear he was investigating
09:53suspicious movements at the rear of the high street.
09:57Hey, where are you going?
09:59I think I'll take a look around.
10:01Hey, you be careful. You're already under suspicion.
10:03But I was having a bath.
10:05I know. I've told him that, but you know what he's like.
10:07Actually, I thought he suspected you.
10:09Oh, no. It was you he suspected.
10:11Well, that whole thing's ridiculous.
10:13Of course it is.
10:15Who wants to see Miss Jones in her harvest festivals?
10:17Hey, now, wait a minute.
10:19I was here all the time.
10:35Well?
10:37Well, that's done it.
10:39We've got the police here now.
10:41Oh, no, not the police.
10:43What's the matter? Your library book overdue?
10:45About time you had a bit of Lord and Lord around here anyway.
10:47Where's your mate?
10:49Packing his bags?
10:51No.
10:53He'd better watch out. He's got to see British justice at work now.
10:55Painstaking and implacable.
10:57The police force are just the tools of the establishment, Rigsby.
10:59Sent here to perpetuate the capitalist system.
11:01That's because the coach are riding without lights.
11:03Hey, he's taken a statement from Miss Jones.
11:05He'll be up here to ask you a few questions in a minute.
11:07You'd better straighten yourself up and keep your hands out of your pockets.
11:09Do you think he'll believe me if I keep my hands out of my pockets?
11:11You watch it.
11:13I'll see you all the night, sir.
11:23Oh!
11:25Taken a statement from the lady. Now, where are the others?
11:27Upstairs. I wouldn't trust either of them.
11:29Why? What do they do?
11:31As little as possible.
11:33Supposed to be students.
11:35Students?
11:37Yes, I thought that'd furry your brow. Real pair of troublemakers.
11:39There's nothing like better than rolling marbles under police horses.
11:41I wonder if I know them.
11:43Yes, you probably do. One of them's got long hair and surgical boots.
11:45The other one's black with tribal marks.
11:47He could turn nasty if it's a full moon.
11:49Now, look, if he gives you any trouble, kick him in the groin.
11:51They're sensitive there.
11:53So am I, sir.
12:07Looking for something, sir?
12:11No.
12:17Oh.
12:19Thank you, Mr Rigsby.
12:21Now, sir, you were up here at the time of the incident.
12:23Yes.
12:25Is there anyone who can substantiate that?
12:27Well, no.
12:29And you didn't hear the scream?
12:31No. Not surprised all that foliage.
12:33You can hardly see a little only.
12:35Bloody sheepdog, look.
12:37Please, Mr Rigsby.
12:39Look, I didn't trust Hitler, but it wasn't because of his moustache.
12:41Please, sir.
12:43I'm just trying to ask a few questions.
12:45Yes, of course.
12:59I suppose you get pretty lonely up here, sir.
13:01Yes.
13:03Oh, well, no.
13:05Not really.
13:07You sure you're getting enough exercise?
13:09Oh, yes.
13:11Yes, I go for walks late at night.
13:13Oh, well, no.
13:15Not too late. Quite early, really.
13:17I understand you're a student, sir.
13:19Yes.
13:21What are you studying? Not divinity, I hope.
13:23Actually, I'm studying medicine.
13:25That's very worthy.
13:27A real vocation.
13:29He'll never make a doctor. He lies on that bed all day,
13:31protesting about unemployment.
13:33Gets his orders straight from the Kremlin.
13:35They're going to hang me from the nearest lamppost.
13:37He's told me that already. And I fought to save democracy.
13:39We said we wanted land fit for heroes.
13:41What did we get, eh?
13:43Streakers.
13:45There's nothing shameful in the human body, Rigsby.
13:47We don't want it in the middle of bloody Woolworths, do we?
13:51What's the country coming to, eh?
13:53Suppose you've taken your mother out.
13:55First walk in the spring sunshine,
13:57leaning on her stick, admiring the flowers.
13:59And what happens, eh?
14:01Some silly sod comes dashing out of the bushes,
14:03with flowers in hand.
14:05It's enough to give her a heart attack.
14:07All right, sir.
14:09We're paying for this lot, you know.
14:11We're keeping these students. Supposed to be the cream of the country.
14:13What did we get, eh? Football hooligans in sandals.
14:15My son happens to be a student, sir.
14:17Eh?
14:19Of course, there are some nice ones.
14:21Bound to be.
14:23Some decent lads. Some very nice lads.
14:25Do you smoke?
14:27I don't normally, sir, but thank you.
14:29Tipped.
14:35Thank you, sir.
14:37Now, sir, have you ever been in trouble with us before?
14:39Yes.
14:41I see.
14:43And what was that for?
14:45Our summons for having a faulty rear light.
14:47Well, we hardly call that form, sir.
14:53What are you looking for, eh?
14:55Prints, pieces of fibre, strand of hair?
14:57As a matter of fact, I was looking for an ashtray.
15:01I think it might be an idea if we go down to Miss Jones' room.
15:03Ah, returning to the scene of the crime, eh?
15:05Actually, I thought it'd be warmer down there.
15:07And I want to ask Miss Jones a few more questions,
15:09if you just follow me.
15:11Yes, right.
15:13So he's playing it cool, eh?
15:15What do you mean?
15:17He knows who it is. Gonna confront him with the principal witness.
15:19Normal police tactics. Can't you feel the net tightening?
15:21Come on.
15:23Oh, well.
15:25Have you solved the mystery?
15:27Ah, not yet, miss.
15:29And who is this gentleman?
15:31Oh, this is Mr Smith. He's from Africa.
15:33You didn't think he was from the Arctic, did you?
15:37He's the son of a chief.
15:39Oh, really?
15:41I hope you're settling in all right here, sir.
15:43Yes, thank you.
15:45Not too cold for you?
15:47Aren't you going to ask him any questions?
15:49Please, Mr Rigsby, I'm conducting this investigation.
15:51Investigation? It's more like a diplomatic exchange.
15:53If we'd have been in this country,
15:55we'd have been over to the Skinny Man long before this, you know.
15:57We'd have been down to the bone by now.
15:59Why don't you ask him where he was when it happened?
16:01I was having a bath.
16:03Well, there'd hardly be any witness to that, would there, sir?
16:05Yes.
16:07We'd have done better with security here.
16:11Now, Miss Jones, I know you said the intruder was in shadow,
16:13but is there anything you can tell us about him?
16:15Only those horrible staring eyes.
16:17Oh, yes.
16:19Those eyes.
16:23You haven't noticed anything suspicious in the last couple of days?
16:25I mean, nobody's followed you home.
16:27Nobody's made advances.
16:29No.
16:31Oh, there was a man on the train.
16:33He had a leather jacket with his name on the back.
16:35Steve, I think it was.
16:37Yes, Miss?
16:39He was singing.
16:41They tried to tell us we were too young.
16:43His eyes were burning into me.
16:45What happened?
16:47I was experimenting with the light switch,
16:49so I moved to another compartment.
16:51I thought he might have been a hell's angel.
16:53Oh, that's hardly likely.
16:55Miss, they usually travel around on motorbikes.
16:57Well, I thought he might have had a puncture.
17:01Of course he need not be an outsider.
17:03He could be someone in this room.
17:05It's a well-known fact we're in greater danger
17:07from the people we know.
17:09There's many a woman expected to receive a warm embrace,
17:13only to feel the slash of cold steel.
17:15Oh!
17:17You're a real bundle of fun, you are, aren't you?
17:21Well, since nothing was missing,
17:23we'll have to look for darker motives.
17:25Now, I want to conduct a little experiment.
17:27Will you gentlemen line up over here, please?
17:29No, don't you look, please, Miss Jones.
17:31Now, we'll have the lights out,
17:33and then I want you to touch the man
17:35most like the prowler.
17:37Now we're getting somewhere.
17:39This is so exciting. It's like Paul Temple.
17:41Just keep your eyes open.
17:43This isn't an identity parade, is it?
17:45Why? What are you frightened of?
17:47Well, I've been on one of them before.
17:49Oh? What was that for?
17:51Well, I don't know. I just lined up with these other fellas,
17:53and this girl came along the line,
17:55and when she got to me, she burst into tears.
17:57They questioned me for two hours,
17:59and I only went there to claim me fountain pen.
18:01She's a shifty criminal face.
18:03No, it isn't. It's because everyone else had donkey jackets on.
18:05Would somebody please put the lights out?
18:07Right, Miss, off you go.
18:09Coming, ready or not.
18:11Oh!
18:13No, Miss, that's me.
18:15Would you just start again, please?
18:17Yes.
18:19I should say...
18:21this one?
18:23Right.
18:25Hey, hang on just a minute.
18:27Wait a minute.
18:29You couldn't possibly...
18:31Don't get worried, sir. I'm just trying to build up a picture.
18:33Nothing personal.
18:35I should hope not.
18:37Now, where were you exactly when you heard the scream?
18:39Nothing personal.
18:41Sir, I wonder if this has any significance.
18:43I found it outside below the window.
18:45Comb, couple of teeth missing, very dirty.
18:47Just what you'd expect. Could be the breakthrough, eh?
18:49Looks like yours, Rigsby.
18:53Oh, yes.
18:55I must have dropped it, you know,
18:57when I was cleaning the windows.
18:59What are you all staring at?
19:01Would you excuse us for a few moments, please?
19:03Yes, of course.
19:05I'd like to ask Mr Rigsby a few more questions.
19:07Thank you.
19:13Sit down, Rigsby.
19:15What happened to the mister all of a sudden?
19:17Just a few questions.
19:23Nothing personal.
19:25Not much. You shouldn't be asking me questions.
19:27You should be out there with them.
19:29Look, I'm a rape, but I'm a respectable member of this community.
19:31Just a few questions, then.
19:33Don't you want to help?
19:35I don't know what to say to you today.
19:37Trouble. I've helped the police before.
19:39Listen, listen.
19:41I saw a woman knocked down once.
19:43It was late at night. She was riding a bike.
19:45She didn't have any lights on, but it wouldn't have made any difference
19:47because the drive was slewed.
19:49When I went across, she was lying in the gutter.
19:51I told the drive what I thought of him.
19:53Then I went in the box, phoned for the ambulance.
19:55While I was in there, the rotten sod got in his car,
19:57drove off, hadn't even got his number.
19:59Well, you didn't pass by on the other side.
20:01Just a minute. I haven't finished yet, have I?
20:03She was put on a bike, peddled off down the road.
20:05She went like the wind. Nobody could have crossed over there.
20:07When the police and the ambulance came,
20:09I was the only one there.
20:11So what happened?
20:13They arrested me for being drunk and disorderly.
20:17I see, sir.
20:19Do you live alone here?
20:21Yes.
20:23I suppose you get rather lonely.
20:25No, I don't.
20:27Is there a Mrs Rigsby?
20:29There was. She's gone.
20:31Oh, I'm sorry.
20:33I'm not.
20:35It was a big mistake. We got married during wartime.
20:37You know, glamour of the uniform.
20:39Yeah, we're on ration then.
20:41Been on ration ever since.
20:43I suppose you realise
20:45I have to ask these questions.
20:47These are not questions. This is the third degree, isn't it?
20:49You've made your mind up, haven't you?
20:51When are you going to get it over with?
20:53When are you going to slip the bracelets on?
20:55I suppose you'll take me down to the station and knock hell out of me.
20:57What are you going to do? Hit me when it doesn't show
20:59that there's a residence in the saddle door.
21:01We don't do things like that.
21:03You keep your hands off me, you fascist.
21:05I've got to spend five years fighting blokes like you.
21:07The only difference was they were covered in swastikas.
21:09Five years honourable for king and country
21:11and you don't even believe a word I say.
21:13But I do.
21:15What?
21:17I do believe you.
21:19Do you?
21:21Of course. I think I'm a pretty good judge of character, Mr Rigsby.
21:23You don't spend 20 years in the force without knowing when someone's telling the truth.
21:25I go by the face.
21:27I'm sorry, Mr Rigsby. I can tell that.
21:29If there were a few more around like you,
21:31we'd be out of a job.
21:33Well, better make a search of the area.
21:35Are you not going in?
21:37Yes, I'm not going to find the man in this house.
21:39I'll just go upstairs and check all the windows and everything
21:41and don't worry about me. I'll see myself out.
21:43I've always said our police are the best in the world.
21:45Thank you, Mr Rigsby.
21:47Good night, sir.
21:49Good night, officer.
21:53What happened, Mr Rigsby?
21:57You know what he said to me?
21:59He said I was an honest man
22:01he could tell by my face.
22:03It's the nicest thing
22:05anybody's ever said to me, that.
22:07He can't make many arrests, can he?
22:11Yes, sir, mate. It's blokes like that at the backbone
22:13of this country.
22:15What's that? There's somebody on the landing.
22:17It must be the prowlers coming in here.
22:19Open the door. Keep away, you.
22:21We've called the police.
22:23But surely, sir, we are the police.
22:27Oh, beg your pardon.
22:29Sorry to trouble you, but we're looking for a man
22:31who's been entering the houses in this vicinity.
22:33Oh, yes, we know all about him.
22:35Well, we'd like you to keep your eye open for him.
22:37He's medium height, 5 foot 10,
22:39clean shaven, with fairly long brown hair.
22:41Now, he's known to be posing as a detective.
22:43Mr Jones had him down there.
22:47Oh, my God, me box!
22:57APPLAUSE
23:27APPLAUSE