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00:00I favour the 4-5-1 formation, but both boys will get their chance.
00:05If he plays 4-5-1, Malky might end up on the bench.
00:08Geoff Inchcliffe is a Bolton scout.
00:10He'll need first-class train fare, he'll need a suite at the hotel.
00:12What happened to the suite, Terry?
00:14Geoff Inchcliffe, it's Terry McConnell.
00:16It's a Geoffrey Inchcliffe.
00:18Steve's downstairs, we'll get Vincent.
00:22Steve!
00:22The guy in there, that's not Inchcliffe. Could you boot him out?
00:25There's no sign of a Mr Inchcliffe.
00:30Mr Inchcliffe still hasn't checked in.
00:33Do you want me to continue to hold the suite?
00:35This is a new low for you, Terry McConnell.
00:38If Inchcliffe turns up, will you let him have the room?
00:40I'll let him have the room, all right.
00:42If he's half-decent, he can have me and all.
01:00This is the continuing story of Ashburn United's quest
01:04to win the Northern Midlands Under-11s Cup.
01:06Children with parents may find some of what follows depressingly familiar.
01:12Morning.
01:16Good morning.
01:17No, Mr Inchcliffe has not checked in.
01:25What are you doing, man?
01:30You didn't sleep up there, did you?
01:35Someone had me chucked out of my room.
01:39It wasn't your room, was it? It was Geoff Inchcliffe's room.
01:43Inchcliffe showed up, did he?
01:47No, not... not yet, no, but...
01:49still... time?
01:54I mean, I mentioned your name, eh?
01:57Eh? It's got to count for something, hasn't it?
02:01I said Stevie Roberts has come down, I said.
02:05I mean, I asked you to do one thing, one thing.
02:08Oh, just shut up about Inchcliffe.
02:13Shut up! Stop obsessing about your son being spotted by Inchcliffe.
02:18He's probably shit like you were.
02:21You'd have been lucky to get game for harrying a bloody railway.
02:28Well, Malky is better than me.
02:30And he's better than you ever were.
02:32Yeah, I will say.
02:50Terry!
02:52Ah!
02:54Look, I know it looks bad, but I don't have my own motor
02:56and I've got to get Inchcliffe here for the match.
02:58End of.
03:00I want to, er, report, er...
03:02I want to...
03:04I want a pint.
03:06Sorry, sir.
03:08You have to be a resident to get a drink at this time in the morning.
03:12Oh, whoa.
03:14I go off then.
03:16Double or twin?
03:18Stella.
03:22Filter light, dickhead.
03:24Dickhead.
03:26Sorry. Listen.
03:28Me and Terry had a bit of a barney last night
03:30and I chucked him out.
03:32Have you seen him?
03:34Oh, my God, no. What's happened to him?
03:36I'm sure nothing's happened to him.
03:38He's bad enough probably slept in a cupboard or something.
03:40Have you called him?
03:42His mobile's in the room.
03:44I'm sure it's nothing. Don't make a big deal of it.
03:46Everyone, listen.
03:48Terry's missing.
03:50Has anyone seen him?
03:52No.
03:58I go off.
04:00Sorry, Steve.
04:02Janice, I let Terry sleep in the hearse last night.
04:04Janice, I've already checked. He's not there.
04:06The hearse is empty apart from the smell.
04:08I suppose there's a corpse.
04:10Oh, Vincent, I'm trying to eat my breakfast here.
04:22He's not there.
04:24Sorry, Steve.
04:28It's all my fault.
04:30I should never have thrown him out.
04:32But it's not all your fault, Janice.
04:38I'm sure there's a perfectly innocent explanation.
04:42I'm sure there's a perfectly innocent explanation.
04:44I'm sure there's a perfectly innocent explanation.
04:46I'm sure there is a perfectly innocent explanation.
04:51I'm sure you're thinking, it's another woman, Janice.
04:56You know men, but don't think that.
04:58No, Terry would never do that.
05:00He can barely do this.
05:02Oh, I've been waiting for you.
05:05Oh, God, what if he's done something stupid?
05:11Oh, no, don't be silly.
05:13Oh, if he has.
05:15He hasn't, of course he hasn't.
05:17Right, come on, let's get to it again.
05:19Tell her you'll be there.
05:20It's not my words.
05:21It's not my words.
05:24Aye, aye.
05:27Hello.
05:28Sailor.
05:30Are you Geoff Hinchcliffe?
05:32Who wants to know?
05:34Terry McConnell.
05:35Oh, Jesus.
05:37Look, we had an agreement.
05:39I said I'd try and come.
05:41I'm entitled to a bloody weekend off, aren't I?
05:44Oh.
05:45Oh, yeah, fine.
05:46Fine.
05:47I'll just, I'll bloody drive back to Birmingham, yeah?
05:49And I'll go and tell those kids who were representing Bolton
05:52in the North and Midlands Cup
05:54and one day dream of playing for Bolton
05:56that the chief junior scout of Bolton,
05:59he's having a weekend off cos he wants to catch himself a trout.
06:03Well, I hope it tastes good.
06:06Does it taste good?
06:10McConnell, wait, wait, wait, wait.
06:13Well, I'm stuck here till that clown brings my car back.
06:18I can't thank you enough for this, Mr Hinchcliffe.
06:20I mean, I really appreciate it.
06:21You wouldn't regret it.
06:23I could go to the match, I suppose.
06:25You'll be forever known as the scout who discovered Malky McConnell.
06:29I'm not sure I'm ready to see Janice...
06:33..just yet.
06:34Was this a poem?
06:36I wrote her a poem the other day.
06:40I think of you, Janice.
06:43But never with malice.
06:46I'd build you a palace.
06:49All made of pumice.
06:51Who wrote this? It's rubbish.
06:53Oh, go on, I want to hear the rest of it.
06:55I guess what the thing is, and...
06:57The mark of a man is...
07:01..not to be jealous.
07:04But just to love Janice.
07:08Oh, Steve, Steve, Steve.
07:10Takes more than a crappy poem to win over my Janice.
07:14The only rhyme I'm not happy with is pumice.
07:18I nearly went for ice.
07:21But then it would have to be Janice.
07:34Janice! Janice!
07:42I don't want to worry you, Janice, but...
07:45..Terry is never, ever, ever missed a game.
07:54It'll be all right.
08:04Oh, fuck!
08:10Will you bloody slow down?
08:12I've never had an accident yet.
08:15Oh, lovely, lovely.
08:21Leave it, come on, come on.
08:23You're a football scout, you're not a panel beater.
08:25What a bit of a maverick coach, you know, rotations boy.
08:28Just hope he's playing the right players.
08:30You take a seat there.
08:32Prepare to be amazed.
08:40Oh, what are you doing there?
08:42I've been subbed. Oh, no.
08:46He's a bit special. One of yours.
08:48Oh, no, no, that's not me, actually.
08:50That's the other lot, though.
08:58What's going on?
09:004-0, Gravy Park.
09:02Of course it is.
09:03Yeah, cos our best players are going to get on the bloody pitch.
09:21Oh, yeah.
09:23I don't know what to say.
09:25No problem.
09:27Maybe I'll be known as the scout that discovered that talking.
09:32Thanks for the lift.
09:33Oh, thank God.
09:35Hi, Janice.
09:36You're safe.
09:38Listen, I know you were upset about last night,
09:41but to get missing, I thought you'd done something silly.
09:45I didn't.
09:46You disappeared.
09:47After our row, you were upsetting.
09:50Emotional and...
09:52No, I went to get Inchcliffe.
09:55You weren't upset about me?
09:57No, why should I be?
09:59Cos there's more to life than bloody football!
10:09I'm sorry, Samara.
10:12We couldn't cope with that big boy.
10:14Your system couldn't cope, eh, Messi?
10:16Exactly.
10:17It wasn't Raymond's fault.
10:19He's done a marvellous job.
10:21Thank you, Samara.
10:23You know, it reminds me.
10:25In the river Amazon...
10:26Oh, don't tell me.
10:27There's a little fish, yeah?
10:29A little fish called a loser fish.
10:31Because that's what we are, a bunch of losers.
10:33We're a shoal of losers!
10:35Defeat is not a failure, OK?
10:37Not to have tried would have been a failure.
10:47Will you sign the wonder kid, then?
10:49I'd rather would.
10:53By the way...
10:55He's never under 11.
11:05A very serious breach of the rules and regulations
11:08has been brought to our attention.
11:11Grover Park fielded an over-aged player
11:15and have been disqualified from the competition.
11:18As a consequence,
11:20Ashburn United will take their place in the final.
11:38Just finish that and we'll shoot off, yeah?
11:40You'll see a different team in the final.
11:42No question, that was just a blip.
11:44Oh, Mr Instead, may I introduce you to Malcolm McConnell's mother?
11:48Janice. Pleased to meet you, love.
11:50Terry, a word, please.
11:52Can it wait? I'm in a meeting. No.
11:54I'll come when I'm good and ready.
11:56I know, it's a difficult time for all of us right now.
11:58And I'm good and ready now? OK.
12:03Terry, I've had enough.
12:06Stop pushing Malky and let him enjoy himself.
12:10Coming to eat? No, just a minute, I'm not finished.
12:14You've completely lost all sense of perspective.
12:18Eh?
12:20I never thought it'd come to this.
12:23But it's football or me.
12:25Come on, let's go win this cup!
12:27Can I decide between you and football after the final?
12:30OK, Terry, I've got my answer.
12:33What? Thank you.
12:37Why is my boy not starting, Mercier?
12:40It is his turn after all. Terry will back me up.
12:43I can't remember who started when, to be honest.
12:45Young Ranjit will come on.
12:47He took a knock in semi-final.
12:50It is just a precaution, but one we have to take.
12:53This is not fair.
12:55Who's the glass?
12:57Sorry? It was my boy in the semi who got disqualified.
13:00So I just want to know who reported him.
13:03Simple question.
13:05From a simple man. Here's another simple question.
13:08Why don't you read the rule book?
13:10Leave it, Daddy. I'm sorry, sir.
13:12Daddy is not being serious. You have a scar.
13:15I'm sure it was just an honest mistake on your part.
13:19Who was it?
13:25Thought so.
13:31I promise I will go to casualty after the game, OK?
13:34Mr Mercier, please, I am a doctor.
13:36I insist you go now and have it checked.
13:38Oh, come on. I mean, is this really necessary?
13:40Oh, yes, yes. It's just a precaution.
13:43But it's one we have to take.
13:53Well, last time we lost a coach, I stood in, so...
13:56So it is my turn to take the reins in a crisis.
13:59Yeah, but I guided us to victory.
14:01Sandra, tell him. It is your call.
14:04This is... is very hard, Dr Kaskar.
14:08Sandra, I'll make it easy for you.
14:12Choose Kaskar.
14:17I'm probably better off in the stands anyway.
14:20What? Good luck.
14:25I was going to choose you anyway, Dr Kaskar.
14:28Right.
14:32I'd better get inside and tell Ranjeet he is starting.
14:36We will be playing 4-4-2.
14:38That's a great decision, Kaskar.
14:40I'm glad you approve, Forebellies.
14:42It's big of you.
14:44So...
14:46Wait a minute, you're not putting Gordie on the bench, are you?
14:49Great decisions have repercussions, Forebellies.
14:52Excuse me.
14:54Terry, he's going to put Gordie on the bench.
14:57Oh, that's rough, mate.
14:59Hey, I hope it's reinforced.
15:02I don't feel sick.
15:04It's a bad sign.
15:10See? Nothing.
15:15Where did the Queen go?
15:17WHISTLE BLOWS
15:19Come on, both of you!
15:25I see you work, Ashes! Come on, boys!
15:29Do you want me to move?
15:31No, no, I'm happy here, next to my wife.
15:34I just thought you fancied sitting next to somebody else.
15:37Not who? No.
15:39Ainge Clayford.
15:41Is he here? No, I hadn't noticed.
15:43Oh, there he is! Yeah, right, you are.
15:45Yeah, well spotted.
15:54You know, if we lose, I think we should go home.
15:57If we lose, I think we should skip dinner, check out, go straight home.
16:00Makes sense when you think about it.
16:02Sancho 4, all clear to White Harbour!
16:05He is a car thief. Brought it back then, did you?
16:08Hey, hey, I was doing you a favour. You're well over the limit.
16:11Oh, so that's why you went to Bolton, is it? To save Steve's life?
16:15I took my brand-new motor to Bolton. Yes.
16:18And another thing, you want to get that speedometer checked out.
16:21It was all over the shop. You have a clue what speed I was doing.
16:24Plus, plus, brakes are a bit suspect.
16:26Just give me the keys, will you?
16:43Hey, that's him. That's it, Malcolm O'Connell.
16:46My boy, number nine, in the red, funky hair.
16:48What's wrong with him? Does he not like football or something?
16:51Steve?
16:53Hi, Debs, hi.
16:55You all right, love?
16:57Still a bit shaky, but...
16:59I'm on for a coffee, you fancy?
17:01Warm you up a bit.
17:03Yeah, yeah, that sounds good, yeah.
17:05Debbie and Mads?
17:07Debbie and Steve?
17:09No.
17:12Come on, you guys!
17:21Come on, Yashin!
17:42Raymond, welcome back. We are 2-1 up.
17:44My tactical acumen has proved invaluable.
17:46OK, thank you, Kaskar, OK? I take it from here.
17:49Ah, due to your concussion, I think you have forgotten.
17:52You are no longer the coach.
17:54I am not concussed.
17:56How many fingers?
17:58OK, Gordie, you're on.
18:00No, no, no, wait, Mercier, come on.
18:02Whoa, what?
18:04Everyone gets a game in my team. Is there a problem?
18:06No, no, no problems.
18:08We're just deciding whether we want to win this game
18:11And we're going back to my system, 4-5-1.
18:13We need to protect our league.
18:15There is nothing wrong with my system, it works perfectly.
18:21Shit.
18:23We could have avoided this goal.
18:25Whoa, whoa, whoa, no, wait, Miloš, he's not coming.
18:27Terry, Terry, Raymond is coach.
18:29Go back to the stands.
18:32OK, Rev, Mikey.
18:36OK, get back on.
18:38Ranjeet, come on.
18:40Ranjeet, get back.
18:42I don't mind coming off.
18:49OK, OK.
18:51OK, thanks a lot, Jack.
18:54You're a good boy, you know.
18:57Honourable.
18:59Decent.
19:01Fair.
19:04Good game.
19:06Come on, guys, come on.
19:08Gordy, you're on.
19:10Mikey, stay up front.
19:12Ranjeet, drop into midfield.
19:14Midfield? Midfield is good.
19:18OK, boys.
19:28Mum!
19:30Mum!
19:32Darling!
19:34There you are.
19:36I've been looking for you.
19:38I scored a goal, Mum.
19:40Oh, Jack, that's wonderful.
19:42Are you your first one, weren't it?
19:44For our team, yeah.
19:46Let's go and get a drink and you can tell me all about it.
19:48He's a real beast so far, hasn't he?
19:58Come on, Gordy, take him down.
20:00Come on.
20:02Come on.
20:08Come on, Ashes.
20:10Stop.
20:12OK, let's go. 4-3-3.
20:14Ranjeet, Ali, go up front with Mikey.
20:16Come on.
20:20Get the ball from the corner.
20:22Come on, Ranjeet.
20:26Corner.
20:28Corner.
20:30Formation, 0-11.
20:32Jason, get up there.
20:36Position.
20:44Another shot.
21:00Come on, boys.
21:10Come on, Wildcats!
21:16Come on, Wildcats!
21:18Come on, Wildcats!
21:22Rashey!
21:24Rashey!
21:26Rashey!
21:28Rashey!
21:30Rashey!
21:32Rashey!
22:04We'll all be lonely tonight and lonely tomorrow
22:17Well played, Randy. Well played, Alan.
22:20End of the war, don't worry about it.
22:22We've lost this year.
22:24If you were brave enough to take the penalty, that's what it's all about.
22:27Eh?
22:35And nothing ever happens
22:39Nothing happens at all
22:42The needle returns to the start of the song
22:45Come on, everyone. Keep your chins up.
22:49We were this close.
22:55That's the first time he's ever missed a penalty, I swear to God.
22:58It's a good sign. He could play for England.
23:02Joke.
23:03Listen, your kid's not bad.
23:05Boy's got a chance. I'd like to take a closer look at him.
23:09That's great.
23:11That's great.
23:13Yeah, alright, alright. I'll be in touch.
23:16Yeah.
23:19Janice, Inchcliffe's interested in Melky.
23:23It's all been worthwhile.
23:25That's great.
23:27You know what this means, though, don't you?
23:29We're going to have to start getting serious about football.
23:33That's great.
23:36Terence, may I have a word, please?
23:40Well, I'm with you.
23:44My friend, it seems this may be the end of our journey together.
23:48Who do you mean?
23:49Mr Hinchcliffe.
23:51He's interested in Ranjeet.
23:53He may well be leaving Ashburn United.
23:56Yes, he's interested in Melky as well.
23:58Is he?
24:00Oh.
24:03Well, then maybe this is the beginning of our journey together.
24:06Maybe.
24:11Ta-da!
24:13Vincent, you do know that we lost.
24:15We haven't lost.
24:16There's been a superbug outbreak at Ashburn Infirmary.
24:19Superbug, Sandra?
24:24It's tragic.
24:26Yes, I think it's fair to say we had a healthier,
24:29if you'll pardon me, second quarter than the first.
24:33Obviously, we're delighted there was a 50% survival rate.
24:37So the good news is we can double the investment in the Ashes next season.
24:41Of course, there's always the chance that Ali will take up ballet next year.
24:46No, there fucking isn't!
24:48Of course not.
24:50Silly fucking daddy.
24:52Well played, son.
24:54Here, have a sip of this, but don't turn all night.
24:57Right.
25:01No, just a sip.
25:08Cheers, Dad.
25:09Yeah, I was upset about Terry taking my brand-new motor
25:14and the six points on my licence, which Terry will be taking,
25:20and the damage to the front of the car, which was pretty extensive.
25:25But I suppose if he hadn't have done it, I'd have been back in Bolton
25:30and never have got it together with Debs.
25:32So it's funny how things turn out, meh?
25:35I was there to help Steve through his grief.
25:38I just wish I would have met his dad before he went.
25:42Although Steve assures me he would have liked me a lot more than Janice.
25:51To be honest, I am a little bit embarrassed by some of my actions.
25:57I feel I must change.
26:03I may be a little too driven.
26:09Ranjeet! 59 minutes is not an hour!
26:14I admit, an hour's session is going on.
26:22And now the winner of the Player of the Tournament trophy,
26:25Malcolm O'Connell.
26:27Yay!
26:33That's a good one, isn't it?
26:35Yay!
26:36One cleaner.
26:37Hey.
26:38Just a second.
26:39I'll be long.
26:40What's going on, Randy?
26:42Just get one of me, you know.
26:44Just a quick one.
26:45Yeah, I was pretty pleased to employ the tournament.
26:48Dad's been great.
26:49He sometimes lets me keep the trophy in my room.
27:00Will I be back coaching Ashburn next season?
27:04Who knows?
27:06You know, yesterday Spoon, today Tadpole, tomorrow Frog.
27:11So, maybe.
27:27Right, I'm going to go up.
27:29I've got a long drive tomorrow.
27:31You don't drive.
27:37Oh, my goodness.
27:40Don't put it like that.
27:42Don't say that.
27:43It's awkward so much.
27:45Where do you think you're going?
27:47I don't think I'm going anywhere.
27:50I know I'm going in there.
27:55I haven't decided if I'm going to let you in yet.
27:58Oh, well, maybe.
28:01Just maybe.
28:03I can persuade you.
28:07Let me.
28:11I think of you, Janice, but never with malice.
28:15I'll build you a palace, all made out of pumice.
28:20I guess what the thing is, and the mark of a man is,
28:27not to feel jealous, but just to love, Janice.
28:36Oh, Terry.
28:39That was bloody awful.
29:05You're not seeing me.