Magnificent Evans - 101 [couchtripper][U]
Category
😹
FunTranscript
00:30The Journal of Rachel Harris, an account of the life and works of her employer and fiancée,
00:59Plantagenet Evans, photographer, genius, man of letters, and financial wizard.
01:14I know he pays minimum wages, but very generous he is with little bonuses of expensive female
01:20wear.
01:21Under his tuition, I've come a long way from that little country girl he employed entirely
01:27without qualifications.
01:30And here I am, much more experienced, and nearly married.
01:48What are you doing?
02:05A temporary loan, Miss Harris, of one of your coins of the realm.
02:08A penny?
02:09What do you want a penny for?
02:10There's no one around here to spend a penny.
02:13You want to?
02:14Go behind the rocks.
02:15I said I wanted to.
02:16Only watch out for that ghost.
02:17It's got nasty, spiky stuff caught.
02:20I knew a girl once, you know, overbalanced at the wrong moment.
02:23Straight back in it, she did.
02:27Pierced in 17 places at once.
02:30The doctor who examined her thought they were needle marks, accused her of being a drug
02:34taker.
02:35Funny place, I thought, for a girl to inject herself with drugs.
02:39Where?
02:40Colwyn Bay.
02:41Do you want the penny for, pet?
02:45Screw up the camera.
02:46Why?
02:47Why?
02:48Because if I don't screw up the camera, the camera is going to screw up the picture.
02:54Oh, it's not working out right at all, this.
02:57Is it the light?
02:58No, it's not the light.
02:59It's that mountain over by there.
03:01It's in the wrong position.
03:02It should be over by there.
03:04It would be over by there if we were the other side of it.
03:07The other side of it?
03:09Do you know what is the other side of it?
03:11Swansea.
03:12Precisely.
03:13And would you rather be living in Swansea than where you are living at the moment?
03:17I'm living in Sen at the moment.
03:22Only twice a week.
03:25Three times last week.
03:28Oh, well, bank holiday is different.
03:33Life with a genius has its problems, especially when the genius has to buy and sell things
03:39to help make ends meet.
03:41Don't scratch it now.
03:43You're not just scratching wood, you're shaving lumps of my profit margin.
03:47Oh, she'll come up a treat to this.
03:49You know what this needs, don't you?
03:51It needs a lot of lifting.
03:53That's what it needs.
03:54It needs the love of a good craftsman.
03:56It needs doing up.
03:57I'm going to entrust you with this work, will you?
03:59You'll enjoy doing this up, won't you?
04:01He's supposed to be working on the car.
04:04Oh, he can do that too.
04:06Yes, no-one's depriving him.
04:09Can he do furniture?
04:11Of course he can do furniture.
04:12He has all the right qualifications.
04:15So little schooling, he has to be handy with tools.
04:18Trust me, will he?
04:20You think I don't know a good craftsman when I see one?
04:23It's your destiny, boyo.
04:25We can't afford any alternative.
04:28Daniel, I remember when you said he couldn't do motor vehicles either.
04:42But his major problem,
04:44and what a burden it is for all of us,
04:46is that tendency of his mouth to be more accurate than tactful.
05:12Ahem.
05:16Oh, will you?
05:20Is there a problem?
05:24Where's her nose?
05:25Have you seen her nose?
05:26Well, you're her father, of course you've seen her nose.
05:29What's wrong with her nose?
05:30It's lumpy, you see.
05:31Lumpy, is it? Lumpy.
05:33Oh, it shows character, of course.
05:35But just a teeny bit unfortunate, photographically.
05:38Tell you what, love.
05:39Better put the veil back.
05:40But you haven't seen my face at all.
05:42Listen, love, if you've got nothing in the front room,
05:44it's best to draw the curtains, isn't it?
05:47Oh, there, there, Carrie, don't upset yourself.
05:49You've got a lovely nose.
05:51You've got no right upsetting her.
05:53She can't help it if she's got a big nose.
05:56People, you see.
05:58Fascinating.
05:59What makes them do what they do?
06:01What draws a man, for instance, to a girl with a big nose?
06:05I mean, has she got good legs?
06:07Did he learn to love her gradually, feet first?
06:11Has he got some personal vision of this woman, half-dream?
06:15Has he even noticed her, no?
06:17He has now.
06:19Everybody's noticed our poor girl's unfortunate future now.
06:22Better now than later.
06:24I mean, supposing he hadn't noticed until his honeymoon?
06:27There he is, waiting in crisp new pyjamas,
06:31an unseen price tag lurking at the back of his collar.
06:34The bathroom door opens timidly,
06:37and out she steps, wearing a few transparent inches
06:42of shimmering nightie.
06:44She poses shyly.
06:47His mouth goes dry,
06:48and he whispers in a voice choked with emotion,
06:52My God, she's got a big nose!
06:59Are you all right, Willie?
07:00Oh, he'll get the hang of it.
07:02Pull yourself up!
07:05Oh, these doors still won't open.
07:07I don't know, are we going to have a proper vehicle?
07:13Suppose somebody's watching?
07:15Who? Sheep?
07:19You don't have to look.
07:23That reminds me, we need a new bulb for the darkroom.
07:26As an engaged, though still unmarried person
07:28living under the same roof with her fiancée and employer,
07:31I have to be extremely careful of my reputation,
07:35especially when my sister and her husband
07:37live just across the road.
07:40After all, this isn't Cardiff.
07:47Oh, my God!
07:50Oh, my God!
07:52Oh, my God!
07:53LAUGHTER
08:07Early, Rachel?
08:08I popped back to bed for an hour,
08:10but I wanted a word with you, Mr Davis.
08:12Nothing wrong, is there?
08:14Well, um, not exactly wrong.
08:17It's just that I have to be so careful.
08:20An unmarried woman living under the same roof as her employer.
08:23Oh, it's a large house.
08:25I have my own apartment, but people talk, you know.
08:28So I was wondering, Mr Davis,
08:30if you wouldn't mind leaving a more respectable distance
08:33between my milk bottle and that of Mr Evans.
08:36It doesn't look quite nice
08:38if people see our bottles as close together as that.
08:50On which side do you want the cream, then?
08:56PHONE RINGS
09:01Evans Photographic.
09:02Miss Harris, personal assistant to Mr Evans, speaking.
09:07I beg your pardon.
09:08It's hardly likely Mr Evans would be here with me
09:10at this time in the morning.
09:12If you just hold the line,
09:13I'll transfer this call to Mr Evans's personal extension.
09:20Are you there, Mr Evans?
09:22Can you take a call?
09:34Morning.
09:35Oh!
09:36You shouldn't do that.
09:37It's just the greeting of a lover for his lass.
09:40Goes with the artistic nature, love of the physical.
09:43You don't think Shakespeare was writing sonnets all the time, do you?
09:47No.
09:48Well-known one Warwickshire he was for his busy fingers.
09:52You make me cough.
09:54Makes you cough?
09:55I should think I would be a poor lover
09:57if I couldn't make you cough.
09:59Not you.
10:00This damn thing.
10:01Hey!
10:02Don't call it a damn thing.
10:04Repeat after me in a voice quivering with admiration
10:08the Swedish wonder wood-burning stove.
10:11You'll have to learn to love it, woman.
10:13I have to sell the damn things.
10:15I wish you'd sell this one.
10:17I'll get Willie to have a look at it.
10:19Can he do stoves?
10:20Oh, yes, he'll get the hang of it.
10:24He hasn't got the hang of much yet.
10:26No, but he's improving.
10:27He's improving.
10:28When he first came here, he was absolutely useless.
10:31Now he is merely incompetent.
10:34Oh, dear, I shouldn't be wasting my day
10:37sitting around here taking photographs,
10:39buying and selling, scraping a living.
10:42I ought to be doing that.
10:44I ought to be working on the novel.
10:46We help you where we can.
10:48Yes, I know.
10:49Yes, and I appreciate it.
10:51Especially at bedtime.
10:53Oh, no, it matters to the artist
10:55to be surrounded by the people he loves.
10:57I wish it mattered to him
10:58to be surrounded by people he was married to.
11:01Listen, I can't go leaping into matrimony.
11:03The artist belongs to the whole community.
11:06Well, the attractive end of it, anyhow.
11:08You said we'd get married.
11:10And so we shall.
11:11I've told you,
11:12as soon as I have an established international reputation.
11:16What about my reputation?
11:18Oh, keep on guessing, love.
11:19That's all I do around here, keep guessing.
11:21Every time I pass him in the street,
11:23I can feel him guessing.
11:24Yeah, still be worth it in the end, though, aren't you?
11:27Chose you from thousands, didn't I?
11:30You only had one other applicant.
11:32She was 52.
11:33No, she wasn't.
11:34No, 46.
11:3552 around the chest.
11:36No, I selected you
11:38for a certain quality of warmth about the eyes.
11:42You came to me with no qualifications whatsoever
11:45except a very natural gift for looking well in black stockings.
11:50I never wore black stockings, then.
11:52No, well, I have to insist on some kind of uniform.
11:55What sort of shoddy establishment
11:57would I be running here otherwise?
11:59And who but me
12:00would cover your unqualified but gentle hand
12:04like this with marmalade?
12:08No-one else around here, that's true.
12:11I'm not saying life doesn't have its compensations.
12:14It's other people, see?
12:16I hardly dare write at all from this address.
12:18My mother thinks it's sinful.
12:20Yes, I'd value her opinions more
12:22if she didn't have all those veins in her legs.
12:25My sister Bronwyn thinks it's sinful.
12:27She hasn't got veins in her legs.
12:29No, but she's got that terrible lump, though, hasn't she?
12:33What terrible lump?
12:34Her husband, Probert.
12:37God, I've seen implements of a veterinary surgeon
12:40with more natural charm than that man's got.
12:49Morning, William.
12:50Oh, look at that face.
12:53I love that face.
12:55Low IQ and gentle with it.
12:58Nature's most attractive package.
13:00Paradise we would have here, Willie,
13:02if only we could unlearn enough to enjoy it.
13:13Thank you, Willie.
13:14Don't fuss her about, Willie.
13:16You know she works better under pressure.
13:20It would appear to the casual observer
13:22that this door still won't open.
13:24Oh, I forgot to tell you, that door still won't open.
13:27I can manage now, thank you, Willie.
13:32Takes it all in his stride.
13:35I've asked you not to smile at him.
13:37Kindness brings him out in lumps.
13:41I think he needs more grit in his diet.
13:46Goes all limp, don't you?
13:49Go all limp, don't you?
13:51Look at him, he's in a terrible state.
13:53Go all limp, don't you?
13:55Look at him, he's in a terrible state for a handyman.
13:58I mean, you turn him to jelly,
14:00how's he going to hold his spanner?
14:03Worst requirement of a spanner
14:05is somebody rigid at the other end of it.
14:09This door won't open either.
14:11We'll climb over.
14:13Come on, then, we're late.
14:20Oh, I don't know what people must think.
14:22I know what I think.
14:30I'll say this for you, girl.
14:32If we had a candle,
14:34you've got the right sort of bought ends for burning it up.
14:42Terrible long lengths she has in public.
14:45She never had till she fell in with him.
14:47Do me no good career-wise
14:49to be known as related by marriage
14:51to all that lag.
14:53What can we do?
14:59As a special constable...
15:01Yes?
15:03I could confront him
15:05and accuse his car of defectiveness.
15:07Ooh, and less power.
15:09Why don't you?
15:11Ooh.
15:15Suppose he tries to borrow money?
15:17Do you think he would?
15:20I wouldn't put it past his sort.
15:22Stay, Herman.
15:24There'll be no good coming of going over there.
15:33Come on, Rachel, love.
15:35Give up them black stockings.
15:37Let Probert here find you decent work
15:39with the borough surveyor's department.
15:41But I'm a half-breed, Ron.
15:43Oh, they're scantless.
15:51I never thought to see
15:53one of my own family running off
15:55to be happy.
16:04Oh, if you're not deafened in this thing,
16:06you're freezing.
16:08Oh, a car of this nature
16:10suits me perfectly.
16:12A car of this nature
16:14suits the artistic image.
16:16There goes Evans, they'll say.
16:18Lover of quality artefacts.
16:20Ah, you're a handsome woman, Rachel.
16:22As anyone will testify
16:24who's seen you climbing
16:26in and out of this car.
16:28Be quiet, Ron.
16:30Legs like an epic poem.
16:32Same classic shape,
16:34but going on forever.
16:36Unmarried legs, though, isn't it?
16:38Warms my heart it does
16:40to see such artefacts placed
16:42unreservedly at the service
16:44of Evans' photographic.
16:46By such devices,
16:48during the darkest hours
16:50is the small businessman
16:52able to raise himself
16:54from the depression
16:56engendered by the crippling
16:58fluctuations of the bankrupt.
17:04Oh, there's Lovely.
17:06Oh, yes.
17:08Moves me artistically.
17:10Sixty thousand smackers
17:12worth their love if it's a penny.
17:14That's a very artistic way of looking at it.
17:16None of your chapel weddings, this.
17:18County, county.
17:20Summoned here I am.
17:22My reputation spreading
17:24before me throughout the lengths
17:26and breadths of rural Wales.
17:30You haven't got the job yet.
17:32Bring the expensive album.
17:34Should be good for a few albums, yeah?
17:38LAUGHTER
17:46Go on your business.
17:48LAUGHTER
17:52KNOCKING
17:54Don't go airing
17:56your opinions and upsetting people.
17:58Try and be tactful.
18:00Tactful? What has tact
18:02got to do with the artist?
18:04The artist has to communicate.
18:06Has to cut through the layers of social
18:08pretense and find the real person
18:10underneath. That's what I mean.
18:12Upsetting people.
18:14Yes?
18:16Mrs Rees. Yes?
18:18We spoke on the phone.
18:20The possibility of my contracting
18:22for your daughter's wedding. Evans
18:24Photographic. My card.
18:26Oh, yes.
18:28Oh, do come in.
18:30This is Miss Harris, my personal assistant.
18:32Hello. Of the same address.
18:34LAUGHTER
18:36I have my own apartment.
18:38LAUGHTER
18:45My daughter's not at home at the moment.
18:47She's working, but I feel sure I can speak on her behalf.
18:49I wondered if we could have
18:51a quiet for a moment.
18:53I'd like to soak up the atmosphere.
18:55You appreciate that the artist has to absorb
18:57the facts of people.
18:59He has to huck his way through
19:01to the soul.
19:05I could always unload a few of these
19:07little items for you, if ever you wanted to sell them.
19:09LAUGHTER
19:11Not that, of course. That's rubbish.
19:13But these are genuine.
19:15Congratulations, madam.
19:17Not only Bonnie for your age,
19:19but surrounded by objects of quality.
19:21Would you care for a coffee?
19:23Two lumps, please. Don't go.
19:25Make it later.
19:27So, your only child, is she?
19:29My daughter, yes.
19:31And here it is.
19:33Tatty plastic.
19:35But then, what the hell is it these days?
19:37Mind you, hard-wearing, though.
19:39Guaranteed to last longer than the average marriage,
19:41so why pay for leather?
19:43What is more, this comes heavily ornamented
19:45in little silvery bells
19:47and all the other sickening paraphernalia
19:49entirely inappropriate
19:51to the parlour state of contemporary nuptials.
19:53Some people still believe in marriage.
19:55Chosen wisely, has she?
19:57My daughter?
19:59Oh, yes.
20:01Son-in-law up to a scratch, is he?
20:03Charming boy.
20:05It comes in a presentation box
20:07with simulated metal scroll.
20:09Would you care to sit down?
20:13They met at university.
20:15Oh.
20:17Oh, no, he's not like that at all.
20:19An undergraduate.
20:21A pimple on the seat of learning.
20:23He's actually a very pleasant boy.
20:25I won't say we weren't a little worried
20:27when you first brought him home.
20:29Good home she's got.
20:31We've always done our best.
20:33It's beautiful.
20:35Nurtured anxiously through all the crises of infancy, was she?
20:37She had a terrible cough.
20:39Oh, dear.
20:41Rubbed her little chest, did you?
20:43Might have tonight.
20:45Still, you pulled her through.
20:47It wasn't easy.
20:49No, no, no, a chapter of anxieties,
20:51but finally you raise them,
20:53and then, when you think you're over the worst of it,
20:55you find a bed roll,
20:57but turns out to be your future son-in-law.
20:59It was a shock.
21:01Would be, would be.
21:03We weren't expecting him, you see.
21:05We never are, you see.
21:07My husband went mad.
21:09Well, it's the only thing to do.
21:11I tried to see the best in the boy.
21:13Well, there's Christian.
21:15I tried to visualise him,
21:17cleaned up,
21:19standing next to my only daughter,
21:21my baby.
21:23God, look who's rubbing her little chest now.
21:27As long as they're happy.
21:29They're a trial, and no mistake.
21:33Still, she's better now.
21:35Naturally. Her father blamed me.
21:37It's all my doing, of course.
21:39He can't forget
21:41the one time we left her,
21:43one holiday in 12 years.
21:45We left her once at my mother's,
21:47and she fell off her pony.
21:49Oh, they're dreadful.
21:51Headstrong. She's always been headstrong.
21:53Her father spoils her, does he?
21:55Oh, it's true.
21:57Classical pattern, you see.
21:59As far as he's concerned, she can do no wrong.
22:01No, and I suppose if you interfere, he takes it out on you?
22:03We never used to, Ralph.
22:05But to hear him talk, you'd think my mother
22:07had pushed her off the damn pony.
22:09Unreasonable man, is he?
22:11Oh, totally.
22:13And I suppose the fire has gone out of your relationship, has it?
22:15No, I suppose now he seeks
22:17consolation elsewhere, does he?
22:19Terrible, terrible.
22:21Terrible.
22:23Our days are like that.
22:25Prone to crisis.
22:27Sometimes, secretly,
22:29I wish he had a bit less genius
22:31for probing the souls of people
22:33and a bit more tact.
22:35No, not really.
22:37I like him just as he is.
22:39The wedding's off.
22:43Did I propose last night?
22:45I know I'd had a few,
22:47but I didn't know I went that far.
22:49You weren't far enough.
22:51No, not our wedding.
22:53Mrs Rees's daughter.
22:55You remember Mrs Rees?
22:57You made her cry.
22:59Oh, yes, neurotic.
23:01Neurotic.
23:03Sort of woman who goes through life
23:05wondering whether she's born right.
23:07Sort of woman who goes through life
23:09wondering whether she's bought enough toilet rolls.
23:11That's neither here nor there.
23:13Not if you haven't got any, it's not known.
23:17And her husband?
23:19The man you accused of being unfaithful?
23:21What about him?
23:23She's divorcing him.
23:25Oh, perhaps they'd like some pictures of that.
23:27That's another job we've lost.
23:29Never mind.
23:31Look on the bright side.
23:33If she's getting divorced,
23:35she's getting divorced.
23:45Two minutes quiet together.
23:51I've had my hair done.
23:57There are people who find me attractive,
23:59but all you can do is stare at your boot.
24:01Just from a graveyard
24:03upon a suede boot.
24:05Apart from the inconvenience,
24:07you can't help wondering
24:09if it's anybody you knew.
24:11I thought a wedding.
24:15Oh, Rachel, you're a great comfort
24:17to me, you are,
24:19in the long marches of the night.
24:21Keep your voice down, we're in chapel.
24:23Well, almost.
24:25An affectionate nature?
24:27Too soft, I am.
24:29And for a country girl,
24:32in the latest urban underwear.
24:34Be quiet, will you?
24:36No more adventurous
24:38than any single young woman with her own barclay coat.
24:42If I were to have to pinpoint
24:44any fault at all, it would be your tendency
24:46to go all antenatal at weddings.
24:48I should think I do.
24:50I attend everybody's wedding but our own.
24:52You said we'd get married.
24:54Oh, Rachel, we're all right, aren't we?
24:56Not in the eyes of the chapel.
24:58I see the looks I get.
25:00Living with a man.
25:02You have your own apartment.
25:04Not used a lot, though, is it?
25:06I don't know.
25:08I keep my spare enlarger
25:10in there.
25:12Hey, come on, get cracking.
25:14They'll be coming out soon.
25:16Now, try and make everything go
25:18smoothly, pet. We can't afford to hang about.
25:20We've got to go and photograph Mr Price Jones'
25:22giant marrow at three.
25:24Enormous, they say it is.
25:26Can't close his greenhouse door.
25:28Might have brought it up by here with us.
25:30Might have livened up
25:32the nuptials a bit.
25:34Can you dare mention it?
25:38Try and be tactful.
25:40For my sake.
25:42It's me the get-it-on the butcher's after.
25:44It's bad enough having to ask for two chops
25:46and separate wrappers.
25:48Oh, Rachel, my love.
25:50I shall be the absolute
25:52soul of discretion.
25:54Not a word out of place.
25:56Not a gesture, not a sign,
25:58not one tiny tincture
26:00of tactlessness. Promise.
26:07What? Would you doubt the word
26:09of a genius woman?
26:23Could you move a little to your left, please?
26:25Yes, you, madam. The one with the ears.
26:28A bit more, please. I can still see you.
26:31Better know, then. Yappy couple.
26:42Get your water in.
26:44Oh.
26:54Perhaps you'd like to kneel down?
26:56You'd better still lie down. Get a bit of practice in, will you?
27:01If ever you want to borrow my spare enlarger,
27:03you're welcome to at any time.
27:08Oh, now what is it?
27:10Oh, here we go again. Why is it
27:12that we always meet neurotics?
27:14Oh, dear.
27:18Well, that's another happy
27:20couple united in the eyes of heaven.
27:22Yes, and honeymooning in Milton Keynes.
27:24What more could you ask for?
27:26I wonder if...
27:28I wonder if she will carry him over the threshold.
27:30I hope you didn't say that to her.
27:32Well, only in passing.
27:34I thought it would be in her interest
27:36and not to be the cause of a hernia
27:38so early in the relationship.
27:42Why do you have to talk to people so much?
27:44Why can't you just take their photo?
27:46You're good at that.
27:48And you know what you're good at, don't you?
27:50Yeah? Please.
27:52On a Wednesday afternoon?
27:54Making tea.
27:56There's nothing sinful about that, is there?
27:58Separate tea bags, of course.
28:12¶
28:22¶
28:34¶
28:44¶