Magnificent Evans - 105 [couchtripper][U]
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00:30The Journal of Rachel Harris, an account of the life and works of her employer and fiancée
00:59Plantagenet Evans, photographer and genius. People ask me sometimes, why does an artist
01:08of the calibre of Evans stay in this backward area? Why does an artist of the calibre of
01:14Evans stay in this backward area? Home ruler tool, Welsh fanatic. What are you doing?
01:38I'm followed everywhere, you know. Special branch. Rubbish. It's because you can't see them that you know they're there.
01:54Right, I ask you about Evans because who knows him better than you, eh? You who live under the same roof as him, what cohabitation it amounts to.
02:03I have my own apartment. And you think you had respectable employment at the haulage?
02:08There you go then. Translate that into Welsh. I would have married you, you know. Will he
02:17marry you? Ring? Why can't he go somewhere more artistic, full of hot airs? He'd do well
02:26in London. He's made his home here. He's made your home here. Out! I have the unbridled
02:41admiration of Gwyneth Meg Williams. Go to your Gwyneth Meg Williams. A natural blonde,
02:51which is rare in these parts.
03:21Relax, Willie, relax. Persist ye not in the way of the hernia. Do something manual with
03:35the stuff in the trailer, will you? Unload it, Willie. He tries hard to please. Oh yes.
03:43I shall always find it in me to forgive him whatever he saw reasonable in the way of remuneration.
03:48Remuneration? Feeding him, aren't I? Training him, aren't I? Thoroughly untutored he was in
03:54the way of the motor car before I took him in hand. And how can I pay him, tell me that,
04:07if you're going to make excessive bids for old mirrors in auction? Vanity, vanity.
04:13I never intended to make a bid. Your arm shot up in the air. I should think it did shoot up in
04:19the air. What on earth were you doing with your cold hands? Just a lover's greeting,
04:25a small token of my affection, the hand of friendship seeking a little warmth. Am I to
04:31be barred from the assets of my own company? Why didn't you just explain that it was an accident?
04:39Because I'd sooner buy the damn mirror than confess to a hall full of people exactly what
04:43kind of accident. Oh, it's like I've always said, you don't have to go all the way to Pugele if all
04:51you're after is a view. You don't have to look. I don't have to look, no. It's all a question of
04:59where your interest lies, isn't it? I mean, some people are stirred by great art, for others it's
05:06shooting large holes in small animals, and some people indeed find themselves deeply moved by
05:12such classics of make-believe as the Guardian newspaper. With me, it's legs. Always has been,
05:19always will be. Oh, not any old kind of legs, of course. I mean, I might be in breach here,
05:24call me sexist if you like, but I can't help discriminating in favor of those that are female.
05:30Fascinated I am by the interplay between the smooth and the knobbly bits. What knobbly bits?
05:38Bone structure, girl. Oh, nothing detrimental.
05:42I don't know the Latin, but fine Welsh legs you've got with prominent high cheekbones.
05:51Oh my God, I've got knobbly bits. My own sister riding unmarried in an open car.
05:59And with a paralytic soldier, too. He's a dummy.
06:03He must be reserving his phone to tuck in that condition here, won't he?
06:22What are you doing, girl, sitting here with a scale model of a soldier?
06:26Coming to terms with my knobbly bits. Oh.
06:32Oh, Bron, you can tell me as a sister. Have you ever heard any adverse comments about my legs?
06:40Please, not in front of Probert. Things like legs never pass between us.
06:47He name the date yet for your wedding? Not exactly.
06:51It has to be exactly, girl. There's no room in this family for anything short of exactly.
06:56Exactly. If only you didn't live under the same roof. Bad enough sharing a dark room together.
07:02We're engaged. I hope you're taking precautions.
07:07We do have a safety light.
07:10Oh, knew her father would die. He did die.
07:15You know what, I told you. We turn to chapel. I'm, uh, preaching next week.
07:26Listen to Probert, will you? He has wisdom in these matters.
07:32And two big eyes and his mouth wide open.
07:39Oh, I see Probert makes friends easily. He's got a uniform.
07:43She threw himself at me. He's not for sale, I'm afraid,
07:47but I've got a nice oval antique mirror you can have for practice in your sermons and if you like.
07:51I have no time for vanity. Oh, well, you must make time and make time.
07:56Don't let your life be all hurry, hurry, hurry.
08:00Oh, felicitations, Bronwen, daughter of rectitude, sister-in-law to be.
08:05When is what we'd all like to know. Be quiet, old Bron.
08:09Working at it, aren't we? That's common knowledge.
08:14I have my own apartment. That's true. I knew it well.
08:23Home rule or two. Not taking your bicycle for a walk, is it?
08:28I fell off it, didn't I? I would have married her like a shot.
08:33That's a proud boast for a man with a front fork in that condition.
08:43PHONE RINGS
08:52Oh, go to bed, old Bron.
08:55Rachel, are you in your own apartment? I'm in my own apartment.
09:04We're always thinking of you over here.
09:07Thinking's one thing. Ringing me up's another. I wish you'd pack it in.
09:12You know where we are, if you need our assistance.
09:16Bron, I'm happy with him.
09:18I have no right to be happy. You should be getting married.
09:26We'll have the ham a shade thicker in future.
09:29Modern caterers these days seem to be obsessed by the continual urge
09:33to make a piece of meat transparent.
09:36Did we bring the Dijon mustard?
09:38Oh, come on now. Surely a car of this classic calibre is fitted with Dijon mustard?
09:43If not as standard, then surely among the optional extras?
09:48Toss the salad, Willie, will you? Can he do salad?
09:52Oh, you'll get the hang of it.
09:56Important career move, this, for you, Willie.
09:59Big step on the road to gentlemen's gentlemen, see?
10:02Oh, yes, you're going to be a great asset to me, you are, Willie.
10:06As gentlemen's gentlemen.
10:07Me, who has to snatch hasty meals between working assignments.
10:12Cushion me, you could, against the continual pangs of a digestive system
10:16tormented by stress.
10:20Good day, ladies.
10:28You mustered.
10:30Nice of you to say so.
10:35Mind you, you should know if anyone does.
10:40Get Willie started on the salad.
10:41Will you instruct him in the art of agitating the lettuce and exciting the cucumber?
10:48Now, hold the plate on, Willie, and shake the bowl up and down.
11:02Are you sure he can do salads?
11:06Perhaps if he tossed it in his hat.
11:13Being connected, in a close personal capacity, to a man of genius
11:19is a vast extension, education-wise,
11:22when compared with my former occupation as invoice clerk typist
11:25to Mrs North Wales Road, Haulage Ltd.
11:29However, not all his ways are wise and wonderful and without embarrassment.
11:34The artistic temperament has a tendency to overstep the bounds sometimes
11:40when it comes to shooting off its mouth.
11:46No, no, Willie, the groom.
11:48Bring me the groom.
11:50You'll find him sitting on a gravestone somewhere looking pensive.
11:54Don't bring me his elderly relatives.
11:56I am the groom.
11:59Oh, he is the groom.
12:04Late developer, aren't we?
12:07If you'll forgive the photographic expression.
12:12First flush of youth must have come while you're out, is it?
12:16How's the bride, then, if she ever gets here?
12:19She says you don't ask ladies their age.
12:22My mum says she's older than that.
12:34Oh, sorry.
12:36Sorry.
12:38Sorry.
12:40Sorry.
12:42Sorry.
12:44Sorry.
12:46Sorry.
12:48Sorry.
12:50Sorry.
12:52Sorry.
12:54Sorry.
12:56Sorry.
12:58Sorry.
13:00Sorry.
13:03Sorry.
13:27He's suffering terribly from a nasty attack of insufficient tailoring.
13:31I tell you what we're going to do with you.
13:33We're going to have you sitting on the gravestone by there in pensive mood.
13:38Classical posture of reflection, isn't it?
13:43I hope it won't damage the suit.
13:45Don't bend a lot, my mum said.
13:48What kind of unnatural advice is that for a man on his wedding day?
13:56You'll be needing a few sticks of furniture.
13:59No, no. I live with my mum, see.
14:01Oh.
14:02Oh, is that your old mum up there?
14:04Forceful, grey-haired woman standing in the doorway?
14:08Looking rather unconvincing in a gay little hat?
14:12Aye, that's her.
14:13Yes. How's she offer furniture?
14:15House is full of it.
14:17Yeah, they don't give an inch, do they?
14:19Never mind. You mark my words, son.
14:22There will come a time when you will be able to see your way clear to setting up a home of your own.
14:27And what better way to see your way clear
14:30than by becoming the proud owner of an antique, ornate, oval mirror?
14:35See your way clear in that, all right?
14:41I don't care how big she is round there.
14:43If he'd listened to his mum, he wouldn't be getting married.
14:57BIRDS CHIRP
15:2175 quid.
15:25Property of a Welsh nobleman.
15:27Tell you what, 73, and we'll deliver.
15:31That's very nice, but my mum wouldn't have it in the house.
15:34Oh, is she? So you haven't even got home rule at home?
15:37Tell you what, it would make a marvellous present for Gwyneth Meg Williams.
15:42A natural blonde, uncommon in certain places.
15:46I was just passing!
15:54Carry on passing as often as you like.
15:57CHUCKLES
16:27LAUGHTER
16:57LAUGHTER
17:18A musical race, but thrifty.
17:20Supernaturally skilled in all the harmonies of hanging on to their money.
17:24Mind you, I nearly had him.
17:25A few moments more exposed to that mirror, I would have had him.
17:31When are people fascinated by mirrors?
17:33They don't seem too fascinated at 65 pounds.
17:36Maybe it's too expensive.
17:38I shall overlook that remark on account of how well you have adapted
17:42to my photographic requirements since abandoning heavy rural underwear.
17:47We should be quiet.
17:49Willy can hear you.
17:50Oh, don't worry your pretty little legs about Willy.
17:54Willy keeps everything under his hat.
17:59Including his ears and most of his nose, apparently.
18:02Yes.
18:04You can keep that under your hat and all.
18:08You should buy him a hat of his.
18:09Well, I'm scouring the sale rooms, aren't I?
18:12Never out of the Oxfam shops, I am.
18:14No, no, no.
18:15As soon as one comes up reasonable, he shall have it.
18:19I intend to kit him out first class, gradually.
18:22You ask me about the fascination of mirrors.
18:25There's a powerful magic in mirrors.
18:28They are objects of occult significance.
18:30Oh, I don't believe in all that.
18:32Don't ever say that to Bela Lugosi.
18:34He's dead.
18:35Especially now he's dead.
18:38You believe in him, don't you?
18:40Willy, you remember Bela Lugosi?
18:44No, no, no.
18:45That's wee Georgie Wood, you silly old fool.
18:47No, no.
18:48Bela Lugosi.
18:49He had to turn to vampiring on account of his terrible accent, you know.
18:53His reflection never showed in the mirror.
18:56Did you know that?
18:57All you ever saw was his top hat and the dim outline of his dickie.
19:02We mustn't forget.
19:04We've got to be there by five o'clock for the photo.
19:06I'd better do the lunch.
19:08What photo?
19:09For the paper.
19:10The three winners of the fishing contest.
19:12Five o'clock by the river, they said.
19:13Oh, yes, I remember.
19:15Dangling some poor dead fish.
19:18Worse than Bela Lugosi.
19:23Dear ma'am.
19:24Just a brief note from my own apartment
19:27to tell you that everything's fine and I'm very happy.
19:31I know you never brought me up to be happy
19:33and I'm sorry if I've broken a long family tradition
19:36but the work here is interesting
19:38and often full of little surprises
19:40such as were rarely, if ever,
19:42available at Messrs North Wales Road Haulage Limited.
19:46Oh, Mr Evans!
19:48What have you got in there that feels so un-Welsh and weird?
19:59Oh, that's it, Willie.
20:01Sneak up on it quietly like a good fisherman.
20:04What have you dressed him up like that for?
20:06Well, it was an idea which came to me
20:07whilst I was browsing through an old pair of trousers.
20:11I thought, kit him up like a fisherman, I thought.
20:13Yes, worked out very well.
20:15Piscatorily, that.
20:17I thought I would dress him into the picture, you see.
20:19Just to fill up a gap.
20:21Only don't smile like that, will you?
20:22Otherwise we'll finish up with a bigger gap than we started.
20:25Off you go, lad.
20:43Oh!
21:08Welsh street on a bright Wednesday.
21:10A challenge artistically to catch the mood,
21:13to fasten for all time the essence of this passing moment.
21:17It's all entangled.
21:18Come on, things are not being passed very fast,
21:21this passing moment, are they?
21:24Come on, man.
21:25Don't make me lose the mood.
21:27Elusive as smoke, the sweet Welshness of things.
21:30And here I am, snagged in warm polyester.
21:33Don't pull the thread, it's Angola.
21:36Is there no way out of this photographic assistant?
21:39What's he making her do in broad daylight?
21:46Some kind of unmarried strapped horse.
21:50Oh, the hair's wicked.
21:54Is my hair a mess now?
21:56No, entirely suitable, you look.
21:59Flushed and dishevelled, as if fresh from a nuptial bed.
22:03Be quiet, will you?
22:04You give people quite the wrong impression.
22:06Oh, you don't have to worry about old Willie.
22:10Notoriously deaf he is, in waiters.
22:36Oh, Willie, what is this driving in bumps?
22:49Enough of this pauses foot upon the pedal, if you don't mind.
22:51You put him in big rubber boots, he can't drive in waiters.
22:55Put you in black stockings,
22:57you didn't immediately lose control of both legs, did you?
23:01Apart from one magic night I remember,
23:03when wild you'd grown due to a surfeit of Barry Manilow records.
23:07Oh, it wasn't the Barry Manilow records.
23:12I'd been taking this stuff on prescription
23:14on account of a mild virus infection.
23:16Oh, yes, you got the bug, all right.
23:21Oh, stop.
23:31What's this, the Welsh kamikaze?
23:37No, you told him to stop.
23:39I know, he's getting too obedient.
23:43I'll have to stop him watching that sheepdog programme.
23:46We will inquire of yonder yokels how far we are from the river.
23:50Do you think they'll tell us?
23:51Oh, yes, steeped in local know-how, they'll be.
23:55I can smell it from here.
23:57Drive on, Willie, as far as yonder pittance.
24:07Is him, look, that one?
24:11The artist, or is he a theatrical?
24:14Ooftar.
24:16Good morrow, country fellows.
24:19Too early, is he?
24:20Ooftar.
24:22Far from the river, are we?
24:24Wants the river.
24:26That's it, yes, the river.
24:27I told you, caught on in no time, did you?
24:30Was he want the river for that?
24:32Never a good wind at all, is he?
24:35Oh, no, not in a hut like that.
24:39Look at those country faces,
24:41those lines etched on by years of struggle
24:43against all but the simplest concepts.
24:46My old granny had a hut like that.
24:49Humanity's hardcore,
24:51all the sensitivity of a free-range turnip.
24:55Oh, it is your old granny's hut.
24:58Those expressions, like three holes in the universe.
25:02Drive on, Willie.
25:04Faces like cowpats in cropped grass.
25:08Drive on, Willie.
25:10Centuries of inbreeding and careless personal hygiene.
25:19My old granny had a ribbon in it.
25:22Flighty as that, was she?
25:25Bet she's flighty, that Rachel Harris.
25:28They say she has her own apartment.
25:34That's what I want, a nice tight group.
25:50Then when I give the word,
25:52Willie will step into midstream and be there in the background,
25:55adding life and movement to the composition
25:58with his championship casting.
25:59Can he do casting?
26:01Oh, yes, he'll get the hang of it.
26:04Are you ready, Willie?
26:08Here we go, then.
26:11Okay, Willie, now.
26:24Willie, you're out of shot.
26:27Does he know he's out of sh...
26:29He's droning!
26:31Can he do droning?
26:33He looks as though he's getting the hang of it.
26:58Well, how is he?
27:18I made him a cup of cocoa and now he's in the bath drinking it.
27:21What, the bath?
27:23Oh, stupid.
27:26He's all right, but...
27:28He definitely doesn't do swimming.
27:30No, no.
27:32Poor Willie.
27:34He looked so small when the fishermen dragged him out, didn't he?
27:37I'm surprised they didn't throw him back.
27:40Still, it all turned out very well on the whole, didn't it?
27:43Daring action shots I got of Great River Rescue.
27:46And then back we came to dry our Willie on the premises.
27:55I'm changing!
27:56You certainly are.
27:57You'd never have done that when you first came here.
28:00You don't have to look.
28:01No, I know, I know.
28:02The choice is entirely mine, I realise that.
28:06I, um...
28:06I brought all your equipment in from the car.
28:08I know.
28:09I saw you from the window.
28:11There she goes, I thought, my love.
28:14My personal assistant.
28:16Moving proudly.
28:18Her little shoulder blades waggling
28:21just as though she was wearing her breasts on backwards.
28:24Oh, you're scandalously frank with these parts.
28:27Oh, to hell with convention, woman.
28:29I say it again.
28:31Shoulder blades.
28:33Shoulder blades!