One Foot In The Grave - 305 [couchtripper][U]
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00:00They say I might as well face the truth But I am just too long in the tooth
00:09So I'm an O.A.P. at wing mean But I have not yet quite gone to seed
00:16I may be over the hill now that I have retired Fading away but I'm not yet expired
00:24Lapped out, run down, too old to save One foot in the grave
00:31What's this? More paraphernalia?
00:52Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents.
00:58Some survey or other. I thought I'd fill it in while we're waiting for the x-rays.
01:03Give a brief description of how the accident occurred.
01:10A garden shed fell on him.
01:14I've put rotting timbers collapsed on head while dismantling old outhouse in rear garden.
01:21Was the accident unavoidable or due to the patient's carelessness?
01:27Carelessness? What stupidity!
01:32That was asking for trouble in anyone's book and screwing all the nails in a building before you've taken the roof off.
01:40We don't know that's what happened.
01:43All Mrs. Paisley heard was a loud crash as she was clipping her cockerel
01:48and when she rushed round, there he was lying semi-conscious under a pile of rubble.
01:54Before that red paint spilled down his trousers, naturally she thought the injuries were more horrific than they were.
02:01Still turns my stomach over to think about it.
02:05Imagine finding someone with a piece of broken glass between his legs and thinking it had cut off his...
02:17And you think even the ambulance men would have checked first before taking her word for it?
02:23I know.
02:24Rushing that lump of mouldy carrot to hospital in a specialised box?
02:31Still, I suppose it's a mistake any of us could have made.
02:38Yes.
02:40I don't think they were any too experienced, Jean.
02:45God knows what was in that painkilling injection they gave him.
02:50He was laughing at a pencil a few minutes ago.
02:54How are you feeling now, Mr. Meldrew?
02:57All right?
02:59I'm tickety-boo and a half, Mrs. Paisley.
03:03How are you today, my little sweetheart?
03:09Well, I think I'd better be getting back.
03:14Don't like to leave Cousin Wolf there on his own for too long.
03:18Not so soon after his operation.
03:20Yes, how is he? Still a bit nosy?
03:23Yes, a bit vague and forgetful.
03:26Is he still coming with us on our outing tomorrow evening?
03:29Ah, I meant to tell you, we've had a few more cancellations.
03:33Seems there won't be the full 55 of us going now after all.
03:37Oh, dear. How many is it now, then?
03:40Four.
03:42Well, Chris can't get back in time,
03:45and Mr. and Mrs. Burkett have got a crossword to finish,
03:49and you know how people are.
03:52Anyway, I'll give you a ring tomorrow. Bye, Margaret.
03:55Yes, bye, Jean. Thanks for the lift.
03:57Oh, sorry it was a bit bumpy. I'm not used to driving Chris's car.
04:02Bye, Mr. Meldrew.
04:04Let's spend the night together.
04:08Now I need to go down and have a look at the pastry.
04:38Ah!
05:08Ah!
05:39DOORBELL RINGS
05:45Back!
05:50Oh, sorry I'm late. Had to run a friend up the hospital.
05:55Is everything all right here? What's been going on?
05:59You haven't been having trouble with my TV aerial or anything, have you?
06:03TV aerial? No. What on earth makes you say that?
06:06Oh, it's just that when I came round the bend,
06:08I thought I heard Mrs. Eldridge shout out something about a man on my roof.
06:15No, no, it was fine while I was watching EastEnders.
06:19It can, she probably said. Another one of those squashed Budweiser's.
06:24Oh, yes, that must be it. I'll fish it down in the morning.
06:36DOOR OPENS
06:38DOOR CLOSES
07:01Oh, I don't suppose that'll keep it out for one minute, but still...
07:06Keep what out? The busted mattress.
07:09What busted mattress?
07:11The busted mattress someone always dumps in your skip whenever you leave one outside your door.
07:17Universal law of nature.
07:19Just as a cuckoo always lays its eggs in other birds' nests,
07:22so some bastard always comes along and dumps a busted mattress in your rubbish skip.
07:30Bloody shed, I should never have tampered with it.
07:33I should just have left it as it was.
07:36Blood and paint in every orifice known to man.
07:42Talk about undignified, having to lie there while two student nurses sponge your genitals with turps.
07:51One more joke about rubbing me up the wrong way, they'd have been reporting to the...
07:55To the casualty department, I can tell you that.
07:59My leg's itching like mad now. Why's that?
08:03Looks like insect bites, for God's sake.
08:06That was sitting with Mrs Lacey's cat on your lap all yesterday afternoon.
08:10I told you to put her down, she'd got fleas, but no, you wouldn't have it.
08:14You know how they've always regarded your feet as a special delicacy.
08:19They'll be sucking away on those ankles of yours tonight in bed now like a midnight feast in the dormitory.
08:25And don't scratch, you'll make it bleed, and then they'll all be coming back for second helpings.
08:31Bloody things, we'll have to get some of that spray at the pet shop tomorrow.
08:44You're still thrilled to bits about that, aren't you?
08:48Just like to keep checking, make sure I didn't imagine it.
08:5227 years since I was last sent a letter offering me a full-time job.
08:57Just choose, you should never give up hope.
09:01Yes, Monday morning I'll be back at last, back in the land of the living.
09:07And you'll start to see the world as a friendlier place again then.
09:11You'll see. It's just a matter of getting back your self-confidence.
09:18Oh my God!
09:19What is it?
09:20Quick, turn all the lights out!
09:22What's the matter? What are you...
09:24It's Ronny and Mildred.
09:27Oh my God!
09:35I've just seen their car coming round the corner.
09:43Oh please God, save us from a visit from Ronny and Mildred with their tin of assorted biscuits.
09:49I was hoping they were both dead.
09:53Why do they always call on us when they're down here, like the plague of the zombies?
09:56Why do they keep moving about? Their car's just pulled up.
10:00Where's that letter rack?
10:01What are you doing?
10:02Well, if they look through the box and see a lot of letters lying about, maybe they'll think we're on holiday.
10:11For God's sake!
10:13Take down, do you want to give us away?
10:27Hello?
10:30Anyone at home? It's Ronny and Mildred.
10:46Bugger off!
10:49Go back and quickly bathe a pair of you.
10:51You...
10:57Oh no!
10:59What is it?
11:00Mildred's going round the back.
11:02I think I've left the bathroom light on.
11:05Oh my God, that's it, they've got us in a pincer movement.
11:10Denise will be here till three o'clock in the morning showing us pictures of their loft conversion.
11:15Right, I'm going to go for it.
11:17Are you mad? You'll never make it.
11:19I've got about ten seconds, it's now or never.
11:21Right, good luck.
11:27Oh my God!
11:32I'm going to sleep in your office.
11:34Hello, wakey wakey!
11:57I don't like it, it's too quiet.
12:03Will you stop standing there like Michael Caine in Zulu and come to bed?
12:10Supposing they come back in the morning, we were at least expecting it.
12:13They never strike during the hours of daylight, as you well know.
12:17And we'll be out tomorrow evening with Jean at the BBC.
12:22Yes.
12:24I suspect she's booked us into another real side-splitter, has she?
12:28It's like the last show I went up there to see.
12:30It was supposed to be a glittery evening at Television Centre,
12:33and the most exciting moment was urinating next to Peter Sissons.
12:39That witch-hazel hasn't done any good.
12:44Well, no-one's forcing you to go.
12:47You can always stay here and wait for Ronnie and Mildred to come back.
12:53Yes.
13:01Yes.
13:03What time are we to be up there?
13:09Sorry, Jean?
13:12Oh, not bad this morning.
13:18In a bit of a trance at the moment.
13:21In the last 15 hours,
13:24we've had happy, sleepy, grumpy and dopey.
13:32We only needed our three to the set.
13:34Anyway, are we all set for tonight, the four of us?
13:38What time would you like us to pick you up?
13:40Oh, well, that's what I'm voting about, actually.
13:43I'm afraid it's going to have to be a threesome now.
13:47You don't mind taking Wilfred?
13:49Only, well, my goddaughter's lost her babysitter
13:54due to the extradition papers coming through.
13:57And, well, you see, it's their anniversary
14:00and they can't get anyone else at such short notice.
14:04So, I'm sorry to be a bit of a party pooper and everything, but...
14:09Oh, that's all right, Jean. Don't worry about it.
14:11No, we'll be fine.
14:13Okey-doke. Bye.
14:16What's the matter now? The BBC burned down?
14:20That's bad news.
14:23Look at that. Those things are in my wrist now.
14:27This must still be on me somewhere.
14:29She can't come now. She's got to babysit for her goddaughter.
14:33Are you sure we don't have some of that insect repellent left?
14:37I'm sure I saw some somewhere only the other day.
14:46What's that about?
14:51I don't believe it!
14:54What's that?
15:14I do not believe it!
15:18What the bloody hell do people think this is, a drive-in scrapyard?
15:22I paid for this skipper's for my rubbish and nobody else's.
15:27What am I supposed to do with this? Melt it down for baker foil?
15:31I told you there was one, didn't I? Didn't I say that this would happen?
15:34How did it get here? Did someone just dump this?
15:39Well, unless a very large jackdaw was carrying it back to its nest and dropped it,
15:44I should think that's a fairly safe assumption.
15:48Never ceases to amaze me the bloody-minded foolishness of some people.
15:56I don't believe it.
15:59Look at this.
16:04Look at this!
16:10You bastards!
16:13If you come back here again, I'll kill the lot of you!
16:27There.
16:29You know, it's a bit sombre, Wilf.
16:32Why don't you go and pick out one of Chrissie's?
16:35Something a bit more cheerful for a night out.
16:38Yes, maybe you're right.
16:40Oh, I'd better get my skates on.
16:42See you later, then.
16:44Yes, bye, Jean.
16:45Have a really lovely time, won't you?
16:47Take care.
17:03Excuse me.
17:06I'm sorry about all this.
17:08I've just sent all our plans and everything.
17:11He's nearly ready.
17:13And now... Oh.
17:15There are the tickets.
17:17And I'll give you the front door key, just to be safe.
17:21What with his memory and everything.
17:23All right.
17:24I think that's everything.
17:25That'd be great, Jean. Off you go.
17:27All right.
17:28Have a really lovely time, won't you?
17:30Oh, and if I don't see you later tonight, Mr Meldrew,
17:33best of luck for the new job tomorrow.
17:36Thank you, Mrs Warboys.
17:38Thank you all, Margaret. Bye.
17:39Bye.
17:46Like mother, like son.
17:48A brand-new comedy about a young woman's hilarious struggle
17:52to bring up two rebellious teenage boys.
17:58Do you remember to bring the crossword book?
18:00Oh, don't be such a misery.
18:02Try and be a bit more cheerful.
18:04Hello!
18:06How are you?
18:10I'm Margaret, and this is Victor.
18:13It's very nice to meet you.
18:15Margaret? Victor?
18:17That's right.
18:18Who am I?
18:22Sorry?
18:23No, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
18:25You see, I think...
18:26Well, I was in the garage, and mine seems to be a blank.
18:30I'm sorry about this. I just...
18:32You're Wilfred, remember?
18:35You're Jean's cousin, Wilf,
18:37and you're staying with her for a few days while you get better.
18:41Why don't you back the car into the drive-forum?
18:47You've been in hospital for quite a while.
18:53Hospital?
18:54And it's left you a bit forgetful.
18:56Hospital?
18:57Yes, that rings a bell.
18:59You had a big operation.
19:01Oh, you'll soon be back on your feet again.
19:05There we are.
19:08There.
19:09Here's your jacket.
19:11Oh, thank you.
19:12There now.
19:13Have you got everything else you might need?
19:15I think so.
19:16Right.
19:17Where are we going?
19:18Oh, we're going to take you to a television show at the BBC.
19:21Very nice, ain't it?
19:24There we are.
19:31Right.
19:33I'm ready.
19:54Yay!
20:02Yay!
20:05All those with tickets to the Generation Game,
20:07please take your seats.
20:09All those with tickets to the Generation Game,
20:11please take your seats.
20:19How are you feeling now, Wilf?
20:21All right?
20:23I feel a bit groggy, I'm afraid.
20:25I'm sorry I slept most of the way here.
20:27I just couldn't keep awake.
20:29I know.
20:30Long car journeys.
20:32You'll soon pick up once we get inside.
20:44And that's vital because it's the warmth and atmosphere
20:47that you generate here in the studio
20:49that makes all the difference to all the boys and girls
20:52in front of and behind the camera
20:54and gives the show a real lift.
20:56Now, I know we're a little bit understaffed this evening,
21:00but I know we're all going to do our best.
21:03And don't be afraid to laugh as loud as you like
21:06and I'm sure we're all going to have a really super-sweet evening.
21:09The funniest thing I've ever seen in all my life.
21:12A real lip-tickler from start to finish.
21:16I knew so much of it.
21:18I spent most of the evening building in your crossword.
21:21I've never been so embarrassed.
21:23I never warned or asked anyone
21:25if they had any questions they wanted to ask.
21:27And you said,
21:28how many peas in one pot?
21:30And I said,
21:31how many peas in one pot?
21:33And you said,
21:34how many peas in one pot?
21:36And I said,
21:37and you said,
21:38how many peas in hippopotamus?
21:46Look, can we just stop bickering about it all and get back to the car?
21:49You know I didn't want to be late back tonight.
21:51I've got to be at work in the morning, remember?
21:53Half past eight and the dot.
21:55Clearly in no fit state to come out again yet a while.
21:59I don't know what Gene was thinking about.
22:01Does she not like her?
22:03To send someone out for the evening when they're barely conscious.
22:06Well, as Judy, no one noticed the difference.
22:24Lift your head up, Victor.
22:27Carefully.
22:28You're dragging his head on the floor.
22:32Oh, this is tickling. I can't keep up.
22:40Oh, there we are.
22:43Well, all home, safe and sound.
22:47I expect Gene will be back soon.
22:50And she'll...
22:56Uh, I don't think we've met, have we?
23:00Are you Victor and Margaret?
23:03Yes.
23:04I'm Gene's cousin, Wilfred.
23:30No!
24:00LAUGHTER
24:06Oh, um...
24:07LAUGHTER
24:13Thank you, thank you.
24:20LAUGHTER
24:30LAUGHTER
24:44Excuse me.
24:46Oh.
24:48Sorry.
24:52Are you new?
24:53Yes, my first morning, actually.
24:56Looks as if you want to back up your ideas a touch, doesn't it?
25:00Yes.
25:02Sorry, I...
25:11OK, I'll be gone.
25:13LAUGHTER
25:25Did you hear me?
25:29I'm sorry?
25:31Are you awake this morning?
25:33I said there's a fur coat in the back.
25:37Oh, yes. So there is.
25:41Hmph!
25:42It's wet, darling. Are you sure we've come to the right hotel?
25:45The coat, please, doorman.
25:49Oh, yes, sorry.
25:53Don't mind what you're doing with it, man.
25:55It's not some rag from Marks and Spencer's.
25:59Have you any idea how much this costs?
26:02I shouldn't think so for a moment.
26:04If you're serious about wanting to work here, child,
26:07you're going to have to revise your attitude to the job.
26:10That's a tip from me.
26:12The people who come here expect to be treated
26:15with a certain deference and respect.
26:19Sloppiness and bad manners just won't do.
26:22Do you understand what I'm saying?
26:26Yes, right.
26:28I do understand what you're saying and I'm very sorry.
26:31I should think so.
26:33Yes, I'm very sorry because I'm afraid
26:35I'm going to have to throw your toupee down the drain.
26:38What the...
26:41I'm so sorry, neither of you have managed
26:43to master the mechanics of a door handle yet.
26:45It must be very complicated for you with your limited brainpower.
26:48Oh, and do forgive me for not getting the fur coat out.
26:51If you hadn't chopped all his legs off in the first place,
26:54he could have climbed down on his own, but there we are.
26:56And do ask me if I want to go on working here.
26:59Well, if it means sucking up to odious bastards like you two every day,
27:03then I think I'd rather remain unemployed. Thank you very much.
27:06You bloody old cretin. I'm going to raid your...
27:08What is it?
27:10I just saw something hopping about in the fur.
27:14Oh, my God, I feel sick.
27:16And there's another one.
27:18It's a flea!
27:20Yes, they make charming pets.
27:22You'll find you grow so attached to them.
27:24And, of course, vice versa.
27:26Home, please, James, and have a night in Riverbank.
27:34APPLAUSE
27:39Can you believe it?
27:41Unbelievable!
27:43Treated like something that's crawled out of the bottom of a pond.
27:46God, I can stick the bloody thing.
27:4972 hours of non-stop madness, misery and mayhem beyond all belief.
27:55Oh.
27:57At least we've escaped from the worst horror of all.
28:01BELL RINGS
28:03Surprise, surprise!
28:11They say I might as well face the truth
28:14That I am just too long in the toot
28:18I've started to deteriorate
28:21And now I've passed my own sell-by date
28:25Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true
28:28I have to pop my teeth into tune
28:31And my old knees have started to knock
28:35I've just got too many miles on the clock
28:38So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly set in my ways
28:42It's true that my body has seen better days
28:46But give me half a chance and I can still misbehave
28:50One foot in the grave
28:53One foot in the grave
28:56One foot in the grave