One Foot In The Grave - 303 [couchtripper][U]
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00:00They say I might as well face the truth But I am just too long in the tooth
00:09So I'm an OAP and weak-kneed But I have not yet quite gone to seed
00:16I may be over the hill now that I have retired Fading away, but I'm not yet expired
00:24Clamped out, run down, too old to shave One foot in the grave
00:54Why are you selling this to people?
00:57It's in here! It's not going anywhere!
01:00Keep walking! Keep walking! Look at me!
01:07What are you doing?
01:09It's me! It's me!
01:11How can you sell this to people and die?
01:14It's me! It's me!
01:16Sir, can you change this?
01:18Can you change this? How can you sell this to people?
01:23It's me!
01:25I'll show you! I'll show you!
01:27How can you sell this to people?
01:30It's me! It's me!
01:45How can you sell this to people?
01:47How can you sell this to people?
01:49How can you sell this to people?
01:51It's me! It's me!
01:53It's me! It's me!
01:59Be careful! Be careful!
02:06Two stewed chicken and two boiled rice
02:10That's for you, sir
02:12Is it?
02:16Bon appétit
02:18Yes, right
02:21Thanks very much
02:40Just so long as it's established, I'm not happy with the arrangement, that's all
02:44Have you seen this?
02:46I found a mummified caveman inside a block of ice in Siberia
02:51Perfectly preserved, he's over 12,000 years old
02:56He's a spitting image of Mr. Meldrew
03:01I'd forgotten what he did with that tortoise that was entrusted to his care
03:05Ran straight out the back and started toasting it on a garden fork
03:09What a little bugger
03:11We might just as well go away for the week and ask the Terminator to come in and water our plants
03:15Did you hear me? Look!
03:17Where?
03:18Next to the advert
03:20I can see the picture of Mr. Meldrew, where's the mummified caveman?
03:26I told you not to go to that one by the canal
03:29They've had the pest controller in there three times this year, to my knowledge
03:34Pest controller? Need the Piper of Hamburg
03:38And I notice those women are still hanging about in there
03:42I'll stick a red light over the front door and be done with it
03:46What? Prostitutes?
03:48Prostitutes? I didn't know who's priceless to ask for first
03:54Skirts up to their nostrils, you know damn well they're not waiting for Crispy Duck
04:00Now, I've got evidence against them and both counts this time
04:04What evidence?
04:05Exhibits A and B
04:07I see what the trading standards department has to say about that
04:12Lucky no one was wearing them
04:16What's that supposed to mean?
04:18Oh, by the way, your brother Alfred phoned from the airport
04:23He says he wants to do a bit of shopping in London tomorrow
04:27He'll get here about three
04:29Sounded a bit dopey
04:31Says jetlag, I expect
04:33That would be jetlag, he's always dopey
04:36You see, when you ring him up, his voice sounds as distant as anything
04:40And he can't hear a word you're saying
04:42Well, that's because it's an international line
04:44That's because he's holding the phone upside down
04:47I told you, if you ever wondered what it was like to be trapped in a house
04:50With Stan Laurel for two weeks, you're about to find out
04:53He can at least make a bit of effort while he's here
04:56I would have thought after 25 years he'd be thrilled to bits
05:00You lose touch with people, Margaret
05:03We've got nothing in common anymore
05:05It's just one of those awful family rituals where you're both too embarrassed to act...
05:10Hello
05:12Oh, I hope we're not interrupting
05:14Just thought we'd drop the keys around
05:17And talk you through a couple of things for next week
05:20Oh, right
05:21Well, come through to the sitting room, I'll get my notepad
05:23We're all at sixes and sevens ourselves here
05:25Because Victor's brother is over from New Zealand
05:28Just leave it up there
05:30Oh, hello, sir
05:36Hello
05:49You well?
05:51You all right?
05:53Yes
05:54Yes, I am
06:00OK, so you've got your computer, yeah?
06:02And you've got your database software package, your laser printer, your fax, your photocopier
06:07And your costumes
06:08Oh, and we mustn't forget your warranty agreement, must we?
06:12Memo, get Samantha to organise a three-year extended warranty agreement
06:16For Mr Victor Meldrew on his M240 computer package
06:21OK, then, I just need three signatures from you
06:24And a small cheque, I'm afraid
06:27Right, how much was it again?
06:29£7,962.35, if you could please
06:34Oh, and we mustn't forget your service contract, must we?
06:38Memo, get Samantha to organise a service agreement
06:41For Mr Victor Meldrew two years from date of purchase
06:46Lovely wallpaper, I must say
06:49That's magic, sir, thank you very much
06:51I'll just give you a receipt
06:53What's this?
06:55Is this some sort of joke or what?
06:56A joke, sorry
06:58Sir, it says, you daft dawdling old arsehole
07:04Er, no, I think that's what you called me last week, wasn't it?
07:08When you nearly carved me up in that dual carriageway
07:11Last week?
07:13I was driving along a steady 50 when you suddenly shot up my backside in your company Sierra
07:19Flashed your lights and virtually ran my back bumper for three miles
07:24When you did overtake, that's what you shouted through the passenger window
07:31Noting your firm's details in the car door, I took the liberty of inviting you round here today
07:35Just so as I could deliberately waste your time for the best part of an entire morning
07:44I knew I'd seen your face before
07:46I thought it was that mummified caveman in the papers
07:50I have five other appointments this morning
07:53Oh, well, I'd better get through this
07:56Memo
07:59Get Samantha to organise a new brain for me as quickly as possible
08:03When I can learn to drive and not be a complete bastard to everyone else in the ranks
08:08You could just bugger off out of it if you'd be so kind
08:16And...
08:18Your wallpaper stinks
08:24Sigh
08:29What is all that row?
08:31Are you taking the law into your own hands again?
08:33You become a copper one of these days, carrying on like a one-man vigilante patrol
08:37Just going to give the front lawn a wee trim
08:41Are you sure you don't want me to pick up Alfred this afternoon?
08:43No, no, I'm going in anyway
08:45I think I'll recognise him
08:47Well, if you have any trouble, look for a man wearing a small grey hat
08:52Smoking a pipe who's forgotten to put his trousers on
09:23That's enough
09:40Would it not be a good idea not to tap your pipe out on your hat, Alfred?
09:44Not while it's still alight
09:46Sorry?
09:47I'll have you coat-stripped in by the way, OK?
09:49Dreadful!
09:50You did nothing but bump and shake about all the way in
09:53Can you find a place for this, do you think?
09:55Yes, I think we can
09:57Only there was nowhere else to be sick
10:19I don't believe it!
10:49Morning, I've got to give you my sister's phone number
11:07In case of emergency
11:15Everything OK?
11:17Yeah, it's pretty run-of-the-mill stuff, really
11:19Who's mowing the front room carpet?
11:21What?
11:22It's about normal for him on a Monday, isn't it?
11:24Probably planting begonias in the video recorder by now
11:28It means we speak
11:30I suppose that packet of condoms in a mousetrap is still lying on the cheese board
11:35I'm afraid it was
11:37Well, I had to take a good look at the house, darling
11:40Could be the last time you see it in its present form
11:47Is there any more crap you want to sling over me, my darling?
12:06Yes, you!
12:08The one who's in her bottom pinch by Edward Scissorhands
12:12This is the front lawn, not a bloody can recycling plant
12:16Why don't you train him to empty his potty over the front doorstep while you're at it?
12:20Oh, get back to watering your plants!
12:22Bloody bleached bimbos!
12:25I'll bet Adrian's car's in black!
12:47Hey!
12:52You mucky little pup, ain't ya?
12:55Wait there
12:57Look on the bright side of life
13:00Doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo
13:16Doo-doo, doo-doo, doo-doo
13:46Aunty Gertie escaped again the other week
14:01Yes, you said in your last letter
14:03Sorry?
14:04You said so in your last letter
14:06I don't think I did, did I?
14:08Yes, you did, yes
14:09Sorry?
14:10Yes, you did
14:12Sure?
14:13Yes, I'm sure
14:15I don't think I said she'd actually escaped
14:17I said she tried to escape
14:19No, you said she'd actually escaped
14:21But they managed to capture her again by dropping a large net from a helicopter
14:24I don't remember telling you that
14:26Well, how would I know about it then?
14:27Sorry?
14:28How do I know about it?
14:30Right
14:32As this is a special occasion
14:34I thought we might push the boat out for a change
14:37And have a little glass of something
14:39Oh
14:42Not with the barbiturates, I won't
14:45Thank you, Margaret
14:46Oh, right
14:47You know it gives me colic
14:50Oh, right
14:53Well, here's to you both anyway
14:56Cheers
14:59Cheers
15:02So how are you coping now, Victor?
15:05Bit of a big one, isn't it?
15:06Retirement, suddenly being thrown onto the scrapheap of life
15:10A prisoner in your own home with no prospects, no purpose
15:13Nothing left to live for
15:15It's not getting you down, I hope
15:18No, not at all
15:20Most of the time I sit in that chair over there all day long
15:23Just laughing
15:26Doing cartwheels in the stairs with sheer delight
15:30Margaret will tell you
15:32And I'm not retired, I'm just between jobs
15:35Sorry?
15:36Oh, God, I'll go and get a parrot
15:40The moment I heard the news I said to Marian
15:43I've got to save up to go back there
15:45His life was miserable and empty enough to start with
15:48So you'll need me there to cheer him up
15:51Right
15:53Oh, no, here you are
15:55Large in life
15:59You find you have to be more philosophical about things now, Victor
16:03Not be so hot-headed
16:05Yes, that sounded spice
16:06Coming from a man who goes about with his hat on fire
16:10You mustn't get suicidal
16:13Who's suicidal? Sorry?
16:15Who's suicidal?
16:17Well, no use pretending, is it?
16:19You've been looking gloomy and fed up since the minute I said put inside your house
16:24Yes, funny that
16:27It can only mean I've got you just at the right moment
16:36Excuse me just a second, would you?
16:57Oh, my God
16:59Oh, my God
17:01What the bloody hell's he up to this time?
17:03Sounds like someone tearing the Barbican down
17:08I can't take much more of this
17:10It's like having Mad Max round to stay
17:15Go in the morning and buy some tranquiliser darts at this rate
17:22Don't tell me he accidentally napalmed his underpants
17:27What happened this time?
17:29He said he got up to go to the loo
17:32And saw this weird man coming towards him wearing a ghostly shroud
17:36Held the alarm clock at him in a panic
17:38And then realised it was the mirror on the wardrobe
17:42I said I'll sweep it up in the morning and to watch where he treads
17:48Two whole weeks we've got of this
17:51I'm not going to be able to last the course
17:53I swear it
17:58Two whole weeks
18:03Oh
18:10Halfway
18:12I might just make it yet
18:16Where is it?
18:20Voice activated setting, that's the one
18:27I'm back
18:29Where have you been?
18:30Thought you'd flushed yourself down the toilet in error
18:33Sorry?
18:37Where have you been?
18:38Thought you'd flushed yourself down the toilet in error
18:41What's that for?
18:43Because I'm tired of having to repeat myself every time I say something to you
18:47Sorry?
18:49Because I'm tired of having to repeat myself every time I say something to you
18:53If you spoke up a bit in the first place I might be able to hear you
18:57Never did open your mouth properly
18:59Oh, did you get your parcel from the post office?
19:02What parcel's this then?
19:03I was going to bring it over myself but you know how things get broken on planes
19:07So I sent it airmail
19:10Something I think
19:13You might be interested in
19:15You know I've been doing quite a bit of research into our ancestry down there
19:19Our great great grandfather was a New Zealander of course
19:22Well last year I got a letter from a Mrs Glenister in Christchurch
19:26Who was a very distant cousin apparently
19:28Said she had come into possession of some of great great grampy Meldrew's personal effects
19:33And would I be interested?
19:35Now bear in mind this item is over 150 years old
19:40And it's very delicate
19:43And I think you'll find it rather fascinating
19:48What is it?
19:50It's his scarf
19:53I have to say when I first laid eyes on it I couldn't believe the family resemblance
20:02Uncanny isn't it?
20:04The line of the forehead particularly
20:07They could be twins
20:09Oh yes there is a certain likeness now you point it out
20:13Especially down this side
20:15For goodness sake last week I was a mummified cape and now I'm a bloody walking skeleton
20:20I brought some of those photos over as well
20:23I thought we might have a look through after tea
20:26Not sure which case I put them in now
20:30This is a charming little keepsake isn't it?
20:33Man's a walking disaster area
20:35And you wondered why I didn't want him to come and stay with us
20:38If you think the day he flew out New Zealand must have declared a national holiday
20:42Never take it on us brothers even when we were young
20:46Should have think you'd have got the message by now
20:48What message?
20:49In the name of God go
20:55And that apparently was Granny Gosling when she was in service to the Duke of Norfolk
20:59Grandad's second from the right
21:01Oh yes
21:05Oh is that your mother she's holding?
21:08Yes she'd have been about six months old there
21:11Oh
21:14Well I don't want to seem rude but
21:20I think I better have to go up
21:22I'll leave you two to your memories
21:25I'll see you in the morning good night Alfred
21:28Yes night Margaret
21:30Huh you remember this?
21:40Church parade Armistice Day 1937
21:44I was in the Scouts you were in the Wolf Cubs
21:47Mum drew rings round our faces
21:50We were tickled pink in those days to see our photos in the paper
21:55That was when we were still living in Dibley Street
21:58You remember?
21:59The five of us in that little terraced house at the top of the hill
22:02The smell of Dad's homemade beetroot wine festering in the scullery
22:07They reckoned it used to knock budgies off their perch up to three streets away
22:13Yes and our bedroom was right over the top of it
22:16You remember that special way Granny used to have of cooking the brussels
22:20That made them taste as if they'd been boiled in soap
22:25Yes the very thought of it makes you feel quite sick
22:33My God who's that?
22:35That was you
22:37November the 3rd 1936
22:40You're right I do look like a skeleton
22:43I think you're wearing a Guy Fawkes mask
22:49Oh yes so I was
22:52I remember that year
22:54Wasn't that when the carton wheel fell off the fence onto my school cap
23:00And everyone could see it except me
23:02And I went around with my hat on fire
23:16Would you like another bit of lemon?
23:18Yes that would be nice thank you
23:22Yes
23:30Excuse me love
23:32I'm sorry to bother you
23:33You couldn't do us a massive favour
23:35We've just finished relaying the pavement round the back here
23:37And it needs a good hosing down
23:39Get rid of the mess
23:40Do you think I could just borrow your tap for a few minutes?
23:43Yes yes anything you like
23:45Cheers
23:53Now there is no doubt at all in your mind is there?
24:04It was definitely him
24:06I told you Melanie saw him do it
24:08Said he was an old geezer in a cap
24:11Looked like that mummified caveman in the paper
24:14Right we'll see how he likes nasty things being put through his letterbox
24:22OK stick it well through I'll go and turn it on
24:52Alpha you up yet or do you want this in bed?
25:22Where's he wandered off to then? It's not even nine o'clock yet
25:25He's gone
25:26Gone gone where?
25:28Gone home
25:30Gone? What's this?
25:33After you went to bed last night he came downstairs for a drink
25:36And accidentally knocked that dictaphone onto the floor
25:40And you wonder why he didn't want to come and stay with us
25:44You'd think the day he flew out he must have declared a national holiday
25:47He never dinkered on his brothers even when we were young
25:51I thought he had got the message by now
25:53What message?
25:54In the name of God go!
25:59Now cheer up
26:01Like he says in his letter
26:03It'll be another 25 years before he bothers you again
26:21Is it safe to open my eyes yet?
26:28It's fine everything's in one piece exactly as we left it
26:32I told you it'd be alright
26:34Top of that
26:36No I haven't over watered after all
26:39I'm dreading coming back and finding that the whole...
26:42What's in the name of bloody hell?
27:03Who's done this?
27:05Who's a bloody hell...
27:07Get a spirit pump
27:12Get a spirit pump
27:43Oh you're back
27:47Did you have a good week?
27:49Sorry Mr Mulder?
27:51Did you have a good...
27:53Something the matter?
27:55There was one slight small question that was bothering me yes
27:59But I don't suppose it really matters much one way or the other
28:02What question's that?
28:04I was just wondering how you're going to get the end of this hose pipe
28:07Out of your bottom
28:13They say I might as well face the truth
28:17That I am just too long in the toot
28:20I've started to deteriorate
28:24And now I've passed my own sell-by date
28:27Oh I am no spring chicken it's true
28:31I have to pop my teeth in to chew
28:34And my old knees have started to knock
28:38I've just got too many miles on the clock
28:42So I'm a wrinkly crinkly set in my ways
28:46It's true that my body has seen better days
28:49But give me off a chance and I can still misbehave
28:53One foot in the grave
28:56One foot in the grave
29:00One foot in the grave