One Foot In The Grave - 306 [couchtripper][U]
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00:00They say I might as well face the truth, But I am just too long in the tooth.
00:09So I'm an OAP and we've been, But I've not yet quite gone to seed.
00:16I may be over the hill, now that I have retired, Fading away, but I'm not yet expired.
00:23Clamped out, run down, too old to shave, One foot in the grave.
00:30Oh, God, don't bite me!
00:58Won't you suck me sweet?
01:00Suck me sweet?
01:03I'll be sucking in that exhaust pipe in a minute, much more of this.
01:09Yes, I always say that for a really super grand holiday treat,
01:14You've got to go a long way to beat four and a half hours,
01:17Staring up a horse's bottom.
01:22I've tried ever so long now, I've forgotten what the other end looks like.
01:29Another half hour, I'll have to put it on our Christmas card list.
01:33I'm virtually a friend of the family.
01:37Still there, even when I close my eyes.
01:42Like watching a party political broadcast by Kenneth Clark.
01:49Oh, God.
01:53Four and a half hours of unfettered misery.
02:01We haven't moved now for twenty minutes, to my knowledge.
02:11Where's that AA road map?
02:18What are you looking at?
02:19Oh, yes, here we are.
02:21Hell on earth.
02:23I think we've taken a wrong turning.
02:30Oh, God.
02:33I wish I was dead.
02:36I wish you were dead.
02:38You'd get some peace.
02:41There's nothing you can do about it, so stop getting so aerated.
02:45You've just got to have a bit of patience and put up with it.
02:48Are you sitting on the mirror?
03:07Good God.
03:09I said it was faulty.
03:12It's safer wearing a black mamba around your neck.
03:17You try yours.
03:18What for?
03:20Go on, you'll see what I mean.
03:21I don't need to try it.
03:24Try it.
03:53Still, I suppose it could be worse.
03:58We could have gone to that arts and crafts fair again like we did last year.
04:03Talk about pathetic.
04:06First price of paper design went to a man who did a nosebleed in the tablecloth.
04:11Got a certificate of merit and a five pound gift voucher from the core funeral parlour.
04:17Paintings that were on display were a complete joke.
04:21The nearest thing to a decent watercolour was that photograph of Jilly Cooper two cats had urinated on.
04:27Anyone there with any taste?
04:30I'm surprised you remember much about it.
04:33The amount of homemade turnip wine you were putting away in the refreshment tent.
04:38Went round the back to the loo, it sounded like someone running a bath.
04:42I always were within my limit.
04:44I was perfectly sober.
04:46I suppose that's why you spent ten minutes having an argument with a papier-mâché replica of the mayor's wife.
04:54Yes.
04:56Well, she did look quite realistic, I have to give them that.
05:00Moaning on about the litter in the street and what was her husband going to do about it.
05:06What did you think all those little wisps of newspaper were sticking out of her face?
05:13I don't know what to ask. I thought it might be some rare type of eczema.
05:20Oh, my God, I'm hot.
05:25Next bank holiday I'll just book a couple of seats in a bread oven and be done with it.
05:30I feel like a brace of boiled lobsters.
05:36Get a move on up front, for God's sake. What the bloody hell's going on up there?
05:41I can't take much more of this.
05:46The man up there's sunbathing down the top of a pit of straw.
05:51Oh, misery me.
05:55What time is it?
05:58Twenty-five past three.
06:02The clock's two minutes past.
06:04You see, I've got to go all the way through again now because you can't turn it back.
06:08Nothing but trouble this car from the word go.
06:11God knows who the previous owner was.
06:14Maybe Dick judging by the suspension.
06:17Five times it's been back for repair in two months.
06:20It's one fault after another.
06:23You know what the man in the fish shop said? It's all psychosomatic.
06:28What, when your windscreen wiper suddenly flies off and spears a wood pigeon?
06:32It's a classic case of hondochondria.
06:36Well, you imagine everything's wrong with a Japanese car.
06:39He said it's all in the mind.
06:42Those electric shocks aren't all in my mind. They're all up my bloody arm.
06:46Every time I get out and touch something, 5,000 volts through my fingers.
06:50Sparks and God knows what.
06:53I've got to poo down the garage door. It's like a scene from Frankenstein's laboratory.
06:59They set fire to an azalea last week.
07:05And I notice it never affects you. Only me, as usual.
07:10Yes, well, some people are more susceptible than others, that's all.
07:15Those that have faulty wiring to start with.
07:19God's sake, how much longer have we got to sit here?
07:24A complete waste of human life.
07:28I could have stayed at home today and done something useful.
07:33What?
07:35A million things.
07:37Like what?
07:40Well, I could have cut my toenails for a start. That's one job.
07:45I could do it now if I brought that special gadget.
07:50I could do it now if I brought that special gadget.
07:53Oh, yes, the one that fires the clippings across the room like a crossbow.
07:57I always pick them up afterwards.
07:59Not always you don't, because you can't always find them.
08:02I've never lost a toenail yet.
08:04I always make a point of not moving on to the next one
08:07till I've found the one I've just cut and brought it back to the pedal bed.
08:10It's a rule I've always stuck to over the years.
08:13Never known anyone as lethal with a toenail clipper as you.
08:17Got the paperboy in the eye with one the other day.
08:20Good job he had some objects.
08:22I told you to make sure all the windows were closed.
08:36It's been London. But shock, horror, drama!
08:39The organisers have called in...
08:41God, bloody Derek Jameson.
08:43If you want to listen to the back end of a horse, thank you very much.
08:50What's another name for the dung beetle?
08:53Giles Brandreth.
08:56And it's time for Love No Money.
09:02For God's sake, tell them to get a move on up the front!
09:05What have they got up there this time?
09:07Gangs of navvies and cranes fitting fully-lung shades?
09:10I've been sat here for half an hour!
09:12I'm tired of beginning to take root!
09:24Give myself a headache doing that now.
09:30See why people become psychopaths.
09:33No.
09:35It's the same with that woman who serves in the butchers.
09:38In one of her twitchy moods again on Saturday.
09:41It took three of us to prise the meat cleaver out of her hand.
09:47It's as if we're moving to another counter away from the smell of blood.
09:51They tried her for a week in dairy produce.
09:54But they didn't like the way she kept flexing the cheese wire,
09:57so they sent her back again.
09:59Apparently, she's been completely banned from the public gallery
10:02at Inquest now.
10:04Reckon she's been getting steadily more unstable for weeks.
10:09Ever since she came home and found her husband playing chess
10:12with an inflatable woman.
10:14That won't hinder anyone, I should think.
10:17Is it cheeful? It seems to fit.
10:26Getting all stiff now.
10:32I'm going to have to get out and stretch my legs. It's no good.
10:39Bad bloody thing!
10:42Maybe you should wear rubber soles.
10:45Rubber soles? I need a lightning rod up my trousers.
10:49LAUGHTER
11:06Victor! We're moving!
11:15Hi.
11:19LAUGHTER
11:35I don't believe it!
11:38It's bloody unorthodox! I can't take any more!
11:42I can't take another second!
11:46Shit!
11:50That feels a bit fresh.
11:53Fine one, all right, then?
11:55Oh, yes. There's a pub on the other side of that slope,
11:58so we're very friendly.
12:00Do you want to go?
12:02No, I'm fine, thanks.
12:11You haven't moved very far then, Mr Meldrum.
12:14Evidently not.
12:16I thought you'd at least be down by the remains of that rotting badger.
12:19No, we're not. We're not likely to be either at this rate.
12:23Did you get my crisps?
12:25Oh, no, sorry. They didn't have any salt and vinegar.
12:28They only had smoky bacon.
12:30I asked you to get smoky bacon.
12:32You asked me to get salt and vinegar.
12:34I said don't get salt and vinegar. I said get smoky bacon.
12:38Oh, they had plenty of smoky bacon.
12:40But you didn't get any.
12:42Three huge boxes chock full of them.
12:44But you didn't get any.
12:46No.
12:51Thank you very much indeed.
12:53I was looking forward to those.
12:56It's the only thing that's kept me going for the last 15 minutes.
13:02Anyone want a drink at all?
13:04Is there any tea left?
13:06I'll have a pineapple,
13:08but only if there's some of that ice left.
13:11I suppose it was to be expected...
13:14on a bank holiday.
13:18It's too late to go anywhere now.
13:20First chance we get, we may as well turn round and head back home.
13:24Still, at least it's been a day out.
13:28Change from just sitting around inside all the time.
13:34There you are.
13:36Thanks.
13:42What's this?
13:44What's what?
13:46There's a wasp in the middle of this ice cube.
13:49I know. It was the only one left.
13:51I didn't think you were all that fussy.
13:53You didn't think I was all that fussy?
13:56I'd have a slice of dead rat in it as well if you got one, please.
13:59And a dog turd and a cocktail stick.
14:04What's got into you?
14:06Getting all coarse and crude all of a sudden.
14:09What's got into me?
14:11A bloody freeze-dried wasp, Ernie!
14:14I've had a gutful of today, I can tell you that.
14:17Have you finished with that newspaper?
14:25How's your mother, Margaret? I forgot to ask.
14:28Keeping all right these days?
14:30Touch wood.
14:32Oh, did I tell you I ran into Mrs Biswell the other day?
14:36Did I tell you I ran into Mrs Biswell the other day?
14:39Asks to be remembered to you.
14:41Says all the tunnels have started wagging down our old road because...
14:45Do you remember Bianca Dunlop?
14:47Lived three doors along?
14:49Yes.
14:51They reckon she's been using her grandfather's stairlift for immoral purposes.
14:56Immoral purposes?
14:58Stairlift?
15:00How?
15:03She didn't go into details. I didn't ask her to.
15:06You just have to use your imagination.
15:09Man from the social services who went round there
15:12said it showed far more signs of wear and tear than it should have done
15:16and that's what first tipped them off.
15:19Can't say as I'm surprised.
15:21I know. Well, of course.
15:23She wears nothing in bed except Sainsbury's cocoa butter.
15:27They reckon that when she puts the electric blanket on
15:30the bedroom smells like a Malaysian restaurant.
15:33I mean, you could soda yourself to death, couldn't you?
15:36I know.
15:38Now, you know that lady that lives in the corner
15:42moved into Mr Spiller's old house?
15:45Mr Spiller?
15:47You remember. He had that blind parrot
15:49that he taught to fly around with the lead of a guide dog in its beak.
15:53Oh, yes.
15:55Well, you know her husband had that horrible accident.
15:59Fell down the stairs in the middle of Leslie Crowther
16:02and had to have his whole arm put in plaster for six weeks.
16:05Well, apparently there was the most terrible blunder
16:09made up at the hospital
16:11because when he went back there to have the cast taken off,
16:14there was nothing in there.
16:17His hand was there, but no arm.
16:20That's the gospel truth, Mrs Berkey told me on top of the bus.
16:24Oh, thank God!
16:26For God's sake!
16:28Absolute trepidation!
16:30I've never heard such a load of absolute driven on in my life!
16:34Where do you hear such bloody things?
16:37I'm sorry, Mr Murchison.
16:39What people wear in bed and what they don't.
16:41You'd think people would want to keep things like that private.
16:44Not run around ravaging about them to everyone under the sun.
16:47Exactly.
16:49I knew I wouldn't tell anyone
16:51about the strange things you do when you're in bed.
16:57No, neither would I.
17:05Would you like me to take over your driving for a bit?
17:12Yes, if you don't mind.
17:57So.
17:59Typical. See this?
18:01A story about a bloke who was shot by gangland villains in the East End.
18:05Says they dumped the dead body, riddled with bullet holes,
18:08in the boot of his brother's car.
18:10Although, interestingly, this was something the local garage
18:13failed to spot when they went over it for the M.O.T.
18:18Must be the same lot that do this one.
18:21Bloody car mechanics.
18:24Supposed to have mended this gear lever two days ago and it's still loose.
18:27Look at that!
18:31Why do you keep jerking it about like an egg whisk?
18:34Leave it alone.
18:39My stomach started rumbling again.
18:42Haven't had any dinner whatsoever.
18:44Or breakfast.
18:46Who's fault was that?
18:48Not so much as a morsel of meat in 24 hours.
18:52Wish I hadn't thrown that dead wasp away now.
19:00God, now my prickly heat's coming on into the bargain.
19:03Like little stabbing needles all over.
19:08All down my back, everywhere.
19:11I've got some wet ones here.
19:14Hang on.
19:16They're the hot flushes any minute.
19:21Thought it was only women got hot flushes.
19:24It is usually.
19:26Victor's one of the few men that suffer from it.
19:29Had them ever since he stumbled across the details
19:32one day in his medical encyclopaedia.
19:34Oh, yes. He's a terror for that thing, isn't he?
19:37Most people have a medical dictionary
19:39so that when they get something wrong with them
19:42they can look it up and find out what it is.
19:44With Victor, it's the other way round.
19:46He looks up a disease and then develops the symptoms to fit it.
19:50Treats it more in the way of a freeman's catalogue, really.
19:54Browsing through to see what he can die of next.
20:00Look at this.
20:01It's a bloody post office queues all over again.
20:04Why aren't we moving?
20:05I expect we'll move in a minute.
20:07I bet we don't.
20:08But the entire queue goes faster than most.
20:10We're still stuck here.
20:12Freddy feels as if we're moving backwards.
20:15You sure he hasn't broken down up front?
20:17Of course he hasn't broken down.
20:19Well, we don't know that, do we?
20:22I mean, there might be nothing at all in this lane.
20:25We might be sitting behind that riderless horse box.
20:28The driver might have been thrown out of his window
20:30going, what a humpback bitch.
20:32Look, it's time to move.
20:34And the other two are slowing down now.
20:36Quick, start her up. We're going.
20:38Oh, I don't believe it.
20:42Now, don't bother.
20:43It's not worth wasting the battery.
20:46Five bloody yards.
20:50I knew it was too good to be true.
20:53No, recession? What recession?
20:56From where I'm sitting,
20:57I've got two salons in North London
20:59both doing serious business.
21:01The way I look at it is,
21:02well, the economy may stop growing,
21:03but your hair doesn't.
21:04Know what I'm saying?
21:05So I'm now looking at options for a third outlet in Pimlico.
21:09Probably opening next summer.
21:11So you just pop along, mention my name,
21:13and get a free shampoo and set on the house.
21:15Just say you're friends with Mr Salmon.
21:17Ooh, I don't know.
21:19Sounds a bit fishy to me.
21:23You could be anybody.
21:25Well, you'll just have to trust me, won't you, my sweetheart?
21:27I tell you what, you can have a full perm for half price.
21:31What did you say your name was?
21:32Lisa.
21:33Lisa.
21:34And your friend?
21:35Carol.
21:36Carol.
21:37Can have the full works.
21:39Cut, dyed and blow-dried, all at 20% discount.
21:42And I might even take you out for a drink afterwards.
21:44Now, I can't say fairer than that, can I?
21:46How do you know I'm not a natural blonde?
21:49Well, that's for you to prove otherwise, isn't it?
21:53Oh, for God's sake, I think I may throw up.
21:57Sorry, what's your problem, matey?
22:00Why don't you just dangle your private parts out of the window,
22:02and you'll be lovely, for goodness sake.
22:04Who asked you to shove your nose in?
22:06You miserable old fart.
22:08I'll shove my nose in whenever I want.
22:10This is my airspace.
22:11Your airspace, when you've quite finished conducting your sex,
22:13lies through the middle of it.
22:15Feels a bit like cars being used as a bloody contraceptive.
22:19We are not suffocating to death in here just for them.
22:22Just let it drop, then.
22:24I'm not going past her noses, thank you very much,
22:26just so she can get off with two sex-hungry trollops.
22:28I notice it worked for you.
22:32What the bloody hell is that supposed to mean?
22:34Oh, Victor, just let it be, for God's sake.
22:39Not worth it, Mr Meldrew.
22:41Yeah, so don't be so greedy.
22:43Let somebody else have a look in.
22:45I did not come out here today to be insulted by you
22:48and this demented pair of gormless pea-bained critters.
23:04Listen, grampy, you know what you can do, don't you?
23:07You see that horse over there?
23:09Why don't you just go over and...
23:16Yes, hi.
23:20Sorry?
23:23Yes.
23:27It's for you.
23:32Oh, shit!
23:34Is that the National Grid or something?
23:36Oh!
23:41Hello?
23:44Sorry?
23:48We can't bloody well move any further forward.
23:53I don't give a bugger if you are!
23:57Six charts, nothing, it's five at the most.
24:00Where's that going to get you, anyway?
24:03Well, you can just bloody well lump a thing, can't you?
24:08And you...
24:14Bastard!
24:17Oh!
24:30Well, I suppose you're happy as a sandboy now, are you?
24:34What do you mean?
24:36Is there anybody else you'd like to pick a fight with
24:38on this stretch of the motorway?
24:40I think there's a little old lady over there in an invalid carriage.
24:43Why don't you go and kick her tyres in?
24:49Well, it wasn't my fault.
24:58I suppose we've all got to sit in silence here
25:00like a mausoleum now, have we?
25:06Put some music on or something.
25:14MUSIC PLAYS
25:19There's a bloke
25:21We can't stand any longer
25:24Always on the bleeding moan
25:28Every time we mend his bloody honder
25:33He's back grousing on the phone
25:38First we fixed his car's ignition
25:42Checked his brakes and clutch
25:45And then overhauled his whole transmission
25:51He just brought it back again
25:56It's a male droop
25:59It's a male droop
26:01He can stick it up his bum
26:05He can bugger off till kingdom come
26:13He can bugger off till kingdom come
26:22They stuck a piece of chewing gum in the record protector
26:30They, um, hold a note quite well, don't they?
26:35For car mechanics.
26:43Mirror image of your life, really, isn't it?
26:46Car journey and a bank holiday.
26:49First 50-odd miles on the go all the way,
26:53a sense of direction, bowling along.
26:56Get past 60, everything slows down to a sudden crawl.
27:01And you realise you're not going anywhere any more.
27:06All the things you thought you were going to do
27:10All the things you thought you were going to do
27:13that never came to anything.
27:16And you can't turn the clock back.
27:22One-way traffic just gradually grinding to a complete halt.
27:32Same for everyone, I suppose.
27:35Suppose.
27:37And you just have to try and make the best you can of it.
27:45Oh, God, I'm bloody ravenous now.
27:50I can't last a moment longer.
27:52It's no good.
27:54I'm afraid there's only one thing for it.
27:56We'll have to eat Mrs Warboys.
28:00I know she's a bit gristly, but these are desperate times.
28:03And as a close friend of the family,
28:05I'm sure she'll agree to do the decent thing and shoot herself.
28:11It's either that or...
28:16Or what, Mr Mildrew?
28:18Or...
28:26Where's the sucky sweets?
28:29They say I might as well face the truth
28:33That I am just too long in the toot
28:37I've started to deteriorate
28:40And now I've passed my own sell-by date
28:44Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true
28:47I have to pop my teeth into toot
28:51And my old knees have started to knock
28:55And my old knees have started to knock
28:59I've just got too many miles on the clock
29:02So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly set in my ways
29:06It's true that my body has seen better days
29:10But give me off a chance and I can still misbehave
29:14One foot in the grave
29:17One foot in the grave
29:20One foot in the grave
29:25One foot in the grave