One Foot In The Grave - 304 [couchtripper][U]
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00:00They say I might as well face the truth That I am just too long in the tooth
00:09So I'm an OAP and we mean But I have not yet quite gone to seed
00:16I may be over the hill now that I have retired Fading away but I'm not yet expired
00:24Lapped out, run down, too old to save One foot in the grave
00:33People, unique people Are the luckiest people in the world
00:46Da-da, da-da-da-da-da-day
00:50Good morning!
00:51Goodbye!
00:52...
01:15Dustman, still haven't been?
01:16I take it you were finished with those Sunday supplements?
01:17Yes, I think so, yes.
01:18Yes, I think I've digested all the fascinating details of a day in the life of Acker Bilk.
01:33And a room of my own by Ken Russell.
01:35Wouldn't have thought there was much to say about a padded cell.
01:39I thought we'd just have a sandwich when I get back.
01:42Assuming it's a big dinner tonight, we don't want to spoil our appetites.
01:45Oh, you won't forget to ring for the taxi, will you?
01:48The number's here, on top of the telephone.
01:55Oh, God!
01:58You're not back at this madness again.
02:02I thought we agreed to get him a new one,
02:05not put one together from old bits like Frankenstein's monster.
02:09How can we give my nephew this moth-eaten rubbish for a christening present?
02:14I told you, I've rang that big store next to B&Q and they're going to send us a catalogue.
02:18I'm not forking out an arm and a leg for a simple child's toy when I can make my own.
02:23It'll look fine when it's finished, just trust me.
02:30You've never had the slightest aptitude for this sort of thing as long as I've known you.
02:35Tried to mend a Wendy house from the inside once.
02:38What happened? You got stuck fast and had to crawl around with it on your back like a giant turtle.
02:44Do you have to do that at the meal table, for goodness sake?
02:49I've got to take its squeaker out.
02:52Well, do it outside, where it won't make a mess.
02:55Look, I've got to go. I'll be back about twelve.
02:59Right.
03:14What time is it now?
03:16About thirty seconds after the last time you asked me.
03:19Will you stop getting so agitated? They won't be here for another three hours yet.
03:23Just pray to God they're interested this time.
03:26Cos you know what's putting everyone off, don't you?
03:29I mean, who in their right mind would want to buy a house next door to him?
03:32Sooner share a cell with Charles Manson.
03:35Sooner share a cell with Charles Manson sometimes.
03:40Oh, dear God spare us all.
03:42Isn't it a new one?
03:44What is it?
03:46You've got a teddy bear clumped in a blackened deck of work, mate,
03:49and you're gouging its eyes out with a potato peeler.
03:54Reminds me of the time he tried to toilet-train that ventriloquist dummy.
03:58Sprinkling dead flies on his palm flakes each morning.
04:02He's carrying out a caesarean section on it now with a Stanley knife.
04:10Perhaps we'd drop the price by another 5,000.
04:15Another letter from the solicitor here about Uncle Rodney's will, by the look of it.
04:23What do you think?
04:25What do I think?
04:27I think I feel sick.
04:31Sorry?
04:33That's not a teddy bear.
04:36That's the abominable Dr. Fibes in a fur coat.
04:41It's like the hideous product of a diseased mind.
04:46Poor child goes to bed with that at night.
04:50He'll have nightmares for the rest of his life.
04:53I think I need a hot cup of tea to steady my nerves.
05:01I put a lot of work into that.
05:03I put a lot of work into that.
05:05I thought I'd made rather a good job of it.
05:08Well, you can just make a good job of taking it out to the dustbin
05:11and pray that nobody with a weak heart lifts the lint.
05:16Oh, that'll be Mr. Swaney.
05:19He said he might call round.
05:23Are we still using his mother's carrot cake as a door wedge?
05:26Oh, yes. Hang on.
05:34That's right.
05:36Morning, Mrs. Millsbury.
05:38Morning, Mrs. Millsbury.
05:39Would you like a cup of tea?
05:40We can't stop, I'm afraid.
05:42I've got to visit old Mr. Blackaby at the Sycamore's Nursing Home.
05:45Oh, dear. He hasn't been in the wards again.
05:49Yes, he's the only one left there alive now, poor old soul.
05:52The Rudolph Hess of geriatric care.
05:55He's just been rehearsing for the over-80s production of Sweeney Todd,
05:59The Demon Barber.
06:01He's surprised what sticklers they are for realism.
06:04Fortunately, the blood transfusions seem to have done the trick now
06:07and he's off the danger list so that...
06:09Oh, morning, Mr. Muldrew.
06:12How's the world treating you?
06:13Not too bad, thank you. How are you?
06:15You have a nice time in North Africa?
06:16Lovely, thanks. Lots of sunshine.
06:20Oh, why, I brought you back a dead scorpion.
06:23Sorry?
06:26Yes, I thought it was something you'd appreciate.
06:29What with your collection of spiders in the airing cupboard and everything.
06:33Collection of spiders?
06:34Didn't you tell me once...
06:35I don't think that was so much a collection as a plague, actually.
06:39Oh, well, a bit of a novelty anyway, isn't it?
06:43According to the local superstition, it's supposed to be extremely unlucky.
06:48Supposed to bring down a horrible curse of evil misfortune.
06:53A horrible curse of evil misfortune and pestilence on whoever owns it.
06:59Did you believe such nonsense?
07:03Yes, thank you very much.
07:05You're very welcome.
07:06Anyway, better dash and...
07:08Oh, that's interesting, isn't it?
07:12Looks as if it's started working already.
07:14Right, well, bye then.
07:17And I may pop by later with some of Mother's drop scones.
07:21Good, we can build a rockery.
07:32Oh, you've kept it very nice, haven't they?
07:36And I really love the conservatory.
07:39Don't you go wandering off, Justin.
07:42Oh, what are the neighbours like, by the way?
07:44I mean, are they all right with young children?
07:47Oh, what?
07:50Well, I mean, he's a positive Father Christmas, isn't he, darling?
07:55Yeah, a real jolly old soul, you know the sort.
07:59No, they don't get on like a house on fire.
08:19Definitely the best that we've seen so far, isn't it?
08:31By a long...
08:33Justin!
08:34Oh, my God!
08:35Oh, come on.
08:48Wave goodbye to your 60,000 quid.
09:05Oh, dear.
09:24Still engaged.
09:27It's unusual for that taxi firm to let us down.
09:31You're sure you said six o'clock and not seven?
09:34Oh, what's happened? That drippy girl's ridden it down wrong.
09:39She must be more concerned about what colour car I wanted than the time.
09:44Lucky forget they're in time for the cheese and biscuits now.
09:47Ah!
09:48Ah, ah, ah, ah!
09:51Wait.
09:56Good evening, Mrs Meldrew.
09:59Oh, hello, Mrs Skimson. I'd forgotten you were coming tonight.
10:02Victor, can you get the football pool's money? It's by the letter rack.
10:05So, how are you?
10:07We're just on our way out, actually.
10:09Looks all set to buck it down out there.
10:12Going out tonight, are you?
10:14Where is that? Somewhere nice, is it?
10:16We're going out to the Chequers in Edinburgh...
10:18So, when are you buying us that on a Saturday, darling?
10:25And there's your coupons for next week.
10:28So, what is it?
10:30Is it a special do or what?
10:33It's my old farm they're having there...
10:35You're driving yourself there on a taxi?
10:39No, we're going by a team of elephants via the Himalayas, you know,
10:43just to vary the journey for a change, you know.
10:45You'll be much better off taking a cab
10:47and then you can enjoy yourself, can't you?
10:50Without the worry.
10:52So, see you same time next week, then.
10:55Goodbye. Have a good time, both of you.
10:58Bye, Mrs Kissinger.
11:15That taxi firm you rang this morning, quite helpful, were they?
11:20About as helpful as anyone is these days. Why?
11:23Just that when you rang and asked them to send you a car,
11:26they asked you what colour you'd like.
11:28Yes, God knows what they were...
11:30They didn't say anything about the size of the vehicle at all.
11:34No? Why?
11:42What the hell's this?
11:45This is your idea of a minicab, is it?
11:50It was on the doorstep.
11:54Well, what are we waiting for?
11:57Why don't we both jump in and go?
12:03A to B taxis, Victor, for God's sake!
12:07It was printed plainly enough on the front.
12:09On the other side was where I jotted down
12:11the number of that toy store next to B and Q.
12:15You must have realised that they were talking about...
12:20I give up.
12:22I just give up.
12:26I don't believe it.
12:30Still, in a world of faulty workmanship,
12:33it's nice to know that this is working properly.
12:36The curse of the Scorpion.
12:38Don't be ridiculous. You don't believe that?
12:40They're a superstitious twaddle surely to goodness.
12:51LAUGHTER
13:08So, what have they got to say about Uncle Rodney's will?
13:11Anything worth having?
13:13Nope.
13:15What's that long list there?
13:17Just a load of junk he left.
13:20Says if I want to pick anything out I can,
13:22otherwise they'll auction it all off and send me the money.
13:25There must be something there, surely.
13:30One willow-patterned chamber pot.
13:33Chipped.
13:35One pair of false teeth. Cracked.
13:38One lace antimacassar. Ripped.
13:41One pair of hush puppies. Scuffed.
13:45One stainless steel milk churn. Stained.
13:50One souvenir from Stilton chess board.
13:53Or is it cheese board?
13:55That's a misprint. Warped.
13:58One china basin. Broken.
14:01One plastic fried egg. Perfect condition.
14:06Fourteen chickens, three ducks and a cockerel.
14:09Real or plastic?
14:11Great. Who kept them in that big field out the back?
14:15One man's bathing costume.
14:18Right sleeve. Missing.
14:21One signed copy of the Harold Hare Annual, 1954.
14:25Signed by who?
14:27Doesn't say.
14:29One cot. Back leg slightly damaged.
14:32One porcelain rhinoceros.
14:35Chipped.
14:37Oh, that might be worth having.
14:39What, a porcelain rhinoceros?
14:41A cot.
14:43I remember seeing that in their nursery when I was a child.
14:47Lovely big Victorian thing
14:50with carved rosebuds and birds down the side.
14:54It's beautiful.
14:56They'd love that.
14:58Who would?
14:59Andy and Janet.
15:01For the christening. Be right up their street.
15:04Where were we?
15:06Lot 362.
15:08One cot. Back leg slightly damaged.
15:12Probably only needs a couple of nails.
15:14Even you should be able to manage that.
15:17Yes.
15:18I'll get on to that first thing in the morning.
15:21Have you set the alarm for half-past one?
15:23Yes.
15:24To empty the bucket?
15:25Yes.
15:27So much for the new tiles he was supposed to have put up.
15:31Don't worry, I'll get on to that first thing in the morning.
15:34Well, see that you do.
15:35I will.
15:37Oh!
15:48Well, any joy?
15:51Yes, I think it's safe to say I've had a very good day, old toad.
15:55In the morning I turned some water into wine.
15:58Then I healed a few lepers
16:00and after lunch I popped over and parted the waters of the Red Sea.
16:04Did the man come about the roof?
16:06No, but you can't expect miracles.
16:09You waited in for him all day?
16:11Yes, just a nine-and-a-half hours.
16:14Fortunately, I didn't have a chance to get bored
16:16because for seven of those hours
16:18there was two men in torn vests outside
16:20scraping shovels across the pavement.
16:23I believe it's a new concept in street theatre.
16:27I could play you some excerpts if you'd like.
16:29I thought we'd start off with a little bit of music.
16:32Some excerpts if you'd like.
16:33I thought we'd start off with this one.
16:35Symphony for Shovels in A Minor.
16:43Isn't it lovely?
16:44I could listen to it for hours.
16:47Rather fortunate, really, because that's how long it lasted for.
16:51You actually stuck microphones out of the window and recorded that?
16:57Yes, and I'll tell you another thing as well.
16:59I don't like the way that Mrs Tebbing's TV aerial keeps grinning at me.
17:03Keeps what?
17:05You look up there on a chimney.
17:07It's like a huge face with a big silly grin across it
17:10gazing right down at us, see?
17:12Someone up there's laughing at us, that's what that is.
17:15Laughing and mocking us over the great big practical joke called life.
17:19Your imagination.
17:21I can't see anything except a TV aerial on top of somebody's chimney.
17:26Will you for God's sake turn that thing off?
17:30It's driving me round the bloody bend.
17:37I am giving this straight to the Scouts for their jumble tonight.
17:43Gives me the creeps.
17:46Take my coat upstairs while I put the potatoes on.
17:56DOOR SLAMS
18:02PHONE RINGS
18:074291.
18:09Mr Meldrew? Speaking.
18:11Oh, good evening.
18:13You don't know me. My name's Jack.
18:16I'm one of the people that burgled your house a few weeks ago.
18:22I beg your pardon?
18:24I was wondering if you could just help us on a couple of points.
18:27You remember we half-inched a video of yours,
18:30one of those quite torchy long-play models.
18:33It's very good, don't get me wrong.
18:36Records great, smashing picture and everything.
18:39Only we're having a bit of trouble working out the 14-day timer.
18:45I wondered if you've still got the manual to hand at all.
18:50Still got the manual to...
18:53I may get a tail of it this end.
18:55As you can appreciate, we're out most nights breaking and entering.
18:59And we don't like to miss home and away.
19:01Don't like to miss home and away?
19:03What the bloody hell do you think I am?
19:05You steal my...
19:07How are you getting on with our three-piece suite, all right?
19:10Send the cushion covers over or I'll put them through the wash for you.
19:14I must need to take that attitude.
19:16I'll take what bloody attitude I like and you can just shut up!
19:20Hello? Hello?
19:23DOORBELL RINGS
19:29You colour-coded, hearted, thieving bastards!
19:33I'll give you a couple of points!
19:35I'll have you straight up to this point when I see you!
19:38I'll bloody well tear your liver out and feed it to the cat!
19:41You see if I don't!
19:45Ah, good evening, Mr and Mrs Tilsley.
19:48Ah, yes. No, I'm sorry.
19:51I think we've got the wrong address.
20:02And from what I heard, the hospital fitted him with a completely new one.
20:07And now he can play snooker with it.
20:15Sorry?
20:17Oh, no! We got rid of that last week, didn't I tell you?
20:22I gave it to the scouts for their jumble.
20:24And since then, touch wood, we haven't had any bad luck of any kind whatsoever.
20:29Quite the reverse, in fact.
20:31We had a note through the door this morning
20:33saying we'd won third prize in the Women's Bright Hour Monthly Lottery.
20:37Yes. Victor's popped round there now to pick it up.
20:41Yes, I hope so.
20:43Right. I'll talk to you tomorrow, Mum.
20:45OK. Bye-bye.
20:53Well? What was it? Anything nice?
21:01Oh, you're joking!
21:03I swear that grin and Mrs Tebbing's TV area
21:06got bigger when they saw me coming back.
21:08Now we know where they get their crappy lottery prizes from.
21:13The bloody thing's bleached!
21:15Well, do anything but just get rid of it before we have any more bad luck.
21:31What is it?
21:34What is it?
21:37You're too late.
21:43BUZZER
21:56Couldn't get a reply round the front,
21:58so thought it'd save us to leave here.
22:02Hope that's OK.
22:04I was in the bath.
22:06I thought it was those Jehovah's Witnesses come back again.
22:10BUZZER
22:17Dear Mrs Medleroo,
22:19thank you for your letter requesting Lot 362,
22:23dispatch of which we are now authorising.
22:26We will notify you of the proceeds of the remainder of the estate in due course.
22:32I didn't imagine it.
22:34It said cot.
22:36You saw the list as well.
22:38One cot, back leg slightly damaged.
22:43Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant.
22:50I wonder what China Basin was a misprint for?
22:52Chinese bison?
22:56I think this puts my little blunder with a taxi into perspective, wouldn't you say?
23:02I mean, it only takes a bit of common sense.
23:05A bit of common sense?
23:07What do they think we bought this bloody cow for in the first place?
23:11To start up our own dairy in the potting shed?
23:15We can't keep it here.
23:17Of course not.
23:20I'll just slip it into the freezer with the beef burgers.
23:25You stay here and keep her talking.
23:28Victor, you're not going to leave me with it?
23:30Victor? Victor?
23:36Evening, Mr Meldrew.
23:38You left your front door open.
23:41You want to be careful of that, you know.
23:43There's a lot of nasty people about these days.
23:46So, how's everything with you this week? All right?
23:49No, we've got a car in the back garden, Mrs Kimsey,
23:51which I'm sure you appreciate is not all right by any stretch of the imagination.
23:55I'll help myself, shall I?
23:57Four pounds twenty.
23:59That's lovely.
24:01And there's your ones for next.
24:03And there's your ones for next week.
24:07Oh!
24:10That's nice.
24:12Never seen anything like that before.
24:15It's very unusual.
24:17Right, you can have it. It's yours.
24:19Oh, are you sure, Mr Meldrew?
24:21What is it? Some kind of paperweight, is it?
24:24It's very heavy.
24:26No, it's an evil talisman, actually,
24:28that brings a curse of bad luck and horrid misfortune
24:30to anyone who owns it, actually.
24:32I might give it to my son.
24:34He loves anything like that.
24:36So, see you same time next week, then.
24:38Bye, Mr Meldrew.
24:40Goodbye, Mrs Kimson.
24:42May God have mercy on your soul.
24:45Hello! Is that Danzig a crosser in Kemp?
25:00No.
25:31No.
25:33I mean, if you think of some of the rabbit hutches we've seen,
25:36it's very spacious.
25:38And you've got the south-facing front window,
25:40which is a real sun trap in the summer, isn't it?
25:43Mm, certainly is, yeah.
25:45And the outlook, well, we've always really loved it.
25:48And you've got the curtains in here, as well as upstairs,
25:51which are only about a year old, aren't they?
26:01And, um...
26:03You've got the mad cow in here, sir.
26:31What happened?
26:33Is it Mrs Kimson? What happened?
26:35A mugger, apparently.
26:37A young bloke with a flick knife just leapt out in front of her in the alley.
26:44Oh, God!
26:47She'd only just been out of the house not long before.
26:52I give her that scorpion.
26:55I know.
26:57That's luck for you.
27:01Oh, yes.
27:03God knows what she'd have done without it.
27:05Eh, Mrs Kimson?
27:07I don't know!
27:09It was the first thing that came to hand.
27:13I didn't even think about it.
27:16I just flashed out.
27:18Wallop!
27:20I'm afraid I caught him hard on the right temple,
27:24and he went out like a light.
27:26Pow!
27:28Deadly weapon, Miss Mr Mildrew, in the wrong hands.
27:33Oh, right.
27:37Makes you wonder.
27:39Must be someone up there looking after us.
27:41Do you reckon, Mr Mildrew?
27:43Yes.
27:50Well, some of us.
27:58LAUGHTER
28:05They say I might as well face the truth
28:08That I am just too long in a tube
28:12I've started to deteriorate
28:15And now I've passed my own sell-by date
28:19Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true
28:22I have to pop my teeth into tube
28:26And my old knees have started to knock
28:29I've just got too many miles on the clock
28:33So I'm a wrinkly, crinkly set in my ways
28:37It's true that my body has seen better days
28:40But give me off a chance and I can still misbehave
28:44One foot in the grave
28:47One foot in the grave
28:50One foot in the grave
28:56One foot in the grave