One Foot In The Grave - 307 - Christmas [couchtripper][U]
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00:00They say I might as well face the truth But I am just too long in the tooth
00:08So I'm an OAP and we mean But I have not yet quite gone to see
00:15I may be over the hill now that I have retired Fading away but I've not yet expired
00:23Clamped out, run down, too old to shave One foot in the grave
00:53Closed prop, now he's turning round and walking back down again, bloody things
00:58Just the same when I make the bed
01:00Like sleeping with a molting porcupine
01:06Do you have to stand on top of the laboratory like Nelson's column?
01:09Why don't you use the toilet roll as a telescope and be done with it?
01:13And how do you know it's a he? Your eyesight isn't that good, I know
01:17Hang on, he's coming out again
01:19He's brought the shears with him to trim the honeysuckle
01:22If he so much as snips one of my sweet peas off over that fence, I've got him
01:27Mighty. Seven months of this, I put up with
01:32What happened, happened
01:35Why can't the two of you just let it rest instead of behaving as though you're both at infant school?
01:39I am not behaving as if I'm at infant school
01:45In any case, he started it
01:49When your next door neighbour mows down a hundred of your garden gnomes in cold blood with a machine gun, it's not something you quickly forget
01:56Worse than a couple of feuding cowboys
01:59I've seen you trying to train Mrs Lacey's cat to be sick on his rockery
02:04Who did?
02:06Demonstrating how to stick a paw down its throat
02:10I've never known anyone be so petty
02:14I was not. In any case, which of us keeps leaving those little yellow post-it notes in the back gate every five minutes?
02:20If we're talking about petty, what about these?
02:25Lawnmower too loud
02:28Creosote splash found on lupins
02:32For Christ's sake, put some oil in that wheelbarrow
02:36I don't believe you've actually stuck those in a book
02:40And don't forget this
02:42Laying a tripwire so I'd fall flat in my face in his wet cement
02:46Oh, for God's sake
02:48I heard him laughing at me through the letterbox, laughing and whispering, got you, you bastard, under his dress
02:57Tripwire
02:59That's where he lined the edge of his path with twine
03:03Talk about paranoid
03:06And anyway, it serves you right for trying to take a shortcut across his grass
03:10If you'd been looking where you were going instead of walking about with your nose stuck in that video magazine
03:17He's lighting a bonfire
03:19Quick, put some washing out, then I can leave him a bloody post-it note
03:24Oh, there's a letter for them here. Somebody got the wrong number, evidently
03:29Get that back here
03:31For God's sake, Victor
03:34I've had about enough of this, I have, straight
03:37Look, you can take this round to him
03:40It'll give you a chance to apologise to each other and bury the blasted hatchet, the pair of you
03:45Otherwise, I need you to get out of here
03:48It'll give you a chance to apologise to each other and bury the blasted hatchet, the pair of you
03:52Otherwise, I'm leaving home, and I mean it
03:56I'm not tracing around there like some private message boy
03:58If he wants his meal, he can come and get it
04:12There you are, you wanted evidence
04:14There it is, one diseased marigold stalk, covered in black fly
04:18Patrick!
04:19Smack in the middle of the floribunda, I found that
04:21Not going to tell me it floated there
04:24You always have to think the worst of people
04:27I don't think there's any coincidence, do you, that these things have only started raining down on our garden since last Monday
04:32After the world in action special on biological warfare
04:36And look at the mess he quite willfully made of our front path after I spent three hours getting the bloody thing level
04:43Are you okay?
04:45Has it come yet?
04:47Just more bills
04:49It's academic anyway, as far as I'm concerned
04:52Do you have to keep writing those things?
04:55The man is a cretin, dear, of the highest order
04:57I knew it the first time we went round to see him
04:59He made us a cup of tea and then virtually tried to force us at knife point to get into his bed
05:04Planetary fraud
05:14Yes?
05:16Oh, er, yeah, this letter came through our door by, er...
05:21Oh, right
05:23Thank you
05:26I, er...
05:28I, er...
05:30I, er...
05:32I, er...
05:34I, er...
05:36I, er...
05:38I, er...
05:40I, er...
05:43Yes, Mr Meldrum?
05:47You're going to fill this in, then, are you?
05:49No, I thought about leaving it there, like Hollywood Boulevard
05:52The impressions of glittering neighbours' faces in the concrete, you know?
05:56Oh, well
05:58It's nice to find you being so reasonable about it all, I must say
06:02Reasonable, Mr Meldrum?
06:04I mean, what is reasonable these days?
06:07To find outside one's house, I don't know, a pile of horse manure covered in fairy lights?
06:12Used to say
06:14What's that supposed to mean?
06:22I think by anyone's standards it's not exactly Sleeping Beauty's castle, is it?
06:26How long has it been there now? 40 days and 40 nights?
06:29Three days and three nights, since you ask
06:32Funny, felt longer
06:34And at least it's very clearly signposted so people don't go accidentally sprawling headfirst into it
06:40Oh, is that what they're there for?
06:42Thought it was some sort of Jubilee celebration for the fertiliser industry
06:46I don't understand how you justify my actions to you
06:49Next time you can pick up your own mail
06:51And another thing, if I find one more of those bloody stupid little yellow notes
06:57I may not be responsible for my actions
07:01Nice chatting with you, Mr Meldrum
07:12Crap
07:17This thing of British television today can be summed up in two words
07:21Jeremy Beadle
07:24Oh, I'm ready for that ham and mushroom now
07:28My belief that Paul Daniels and Jeremy Beadle are in fact the same person
07:32Like Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde
07:35You notice you never actually see them together
07:37Which one's Mr Hyde?
07:39Which one do you think?
07:42Just imagine the horror of it if they lost the antidote they'd have to send in the mob with burning torches
07:48What the hell's this when it's at home?
07:52Sorry?
07:53Dressing?
07:55It's more like an environmental disaster
07:58It never ceases to amaze me the things that people want to watch these days
08:03When was it?
08:05Wednesday in the week
08:07Thought I'd see that film about the Kray brothers kill a couple of ours
08:11Good, was it?
08:12Yes, very good
08:14If you enjoy seeing people's hands being secured to the corner pocket of a billiard table
08:18Very good in the area of people's eyes being gouged out
08:23There I am sitting squirming in my seat
08:25There's this young bimbo behind me cackling her head off
08:29Why didn't you just leave the cinema?
08:31Leave the cinema?
08:33I was sitting here watching it on the video
08:36She said her name was Cheryl
08:38She'd just called back for the cosmetics catalogue
08:41Let herself in by the back door if you please
08:43And had been watching it over my shoulder
08:45Said she'd a nerve to ask me to spool back to the bit where the bloke has his mouth sliced open with a sword
08:52Said that was one of her favourite bits
08:54And that's the mentality of the people who are trying to sell you pork cleansing fluid
09:01What's that you're eating?
09:03Sorry?
09:05Since when do I have this monstrosity?
09:09Sardines and hot chillies with added pineapple
09:15God
09:19Well, sorry
09:27God
09:29It's like watching one of those crushers on the back of a dust cart
09:36Talking of Jeremy Beagle
09:38I had three more complaints about that horseman you were when I was out today
09:44Talk about getting up a petition about it in the post office
09:47It's only a pile of horse manure, it's not going to bite anyone
09:51Said if it's there much longer they'll have to start putting it on the Ordnance Survey maps
09:58No wonder you upset the neighbours
10:00I don't understand why it had to come here in the first place
10:04Why couldn't he deliver it to the allotment? It's only round the corner
10:08They didn't speak very good English unfortunately
10:10It only really mastered four words
10:13Horse manure and twenty quid
10:18A bit more East European than anything else
10:21I didn't like the look of him walking around dressed like Abraham Lincoln in gumboots
10:27You buy horse manure from any old Tom, Dick or Harry, you don't know where it's been
10:36Don't know where it's been, you know exactly where it's been
10:41Upper horse
10:44Anyway I'm taking it round to the allotment tomorrow afternoon as soon as I get back from the doctor
10:48So the nation can sleep easy in their beds again
10:51Well before you do you'd better take Patrick's advice and oil the squeak on that wheelbarrow
10:56Yes
10:57Well, never need to worry about a squeaky salad, that's for sure
11:11Watson, Keppel, Kaplett and Partners, can I help you?
11:14Is it an emergency?
11:16Mrs. Wormis to Dr. Nether, Mrs. Wormis
11:20Friday at ten twenty?
11:22Right, thank you, bye
11:24One second please
11:26Watson, Keppel, Kaplett and Partners, can I help you?
11:29I'm afraid he died last week in his sleep
11:32You did write to everyone, is it an emergency?
11:35Oh dear
11:37Oh well if it's hanging off I think you'd best go up to the casualty
11:40You'd be on the safe side
11:42Kevin Spivey for Dr. Sassopansky, Kevin Spivey
11:46Yes, right, you're welcome, bye
11:49Sorry sir, Watson, Keppel, Kaplett and Partners, can I help you?
11:53Mr. Scotty to the treatment room, Mr. Scotty
11:57Mrs. Patterson for Dr. Yip, Mrs. Patterson
12:00Right, ah ha
12:02Is it an emergency?
12:04Tomorrow at four?
12:06Okay, lovely, bye
12:08Excuse me, please
12:10Yes sir, you're Mr.
12:12Meldrew, I just come to
12:14Watson, Keppel, Kaplett and Partners, can I help you?
12:17I'm afraid Dr. Keppel, Kaplett's on holiday this week
12:20Is it an emergency?
12:22I've got a cancellation for Dr. Pondicherry at five
12:27Yes you do, the one that looks like Doberman in Sergeant Bill Curran
12:32Alright, if you'd rather then, bye
12:35Look, I've just come to pick up a prescription
12:38Victor Meldrew from Dr. Snellgrove
12:40Mr. Chandrasekhar to Dr. Trilling, Mr. Chandrasekhar
12:44And Sharon Chumley to the treatment room, Sharon Chumley
12:48Dr. Snellgrove had to go to a wedding
12:50I think we were passing most of her patients to Dr. Watson
12:54Where's he gone, to look for the hand of the Baskervilles?
12:57Dr. Doolittle instead of Dr. Joseph Goebbels
13:00Oh yes, I've got him over here
13:02I don't think he's actually done your prescription yet
13:04I'll just check for you
13:06Nazeem, did that prescription come through at all?
13:10For Mr. Meldrew's haemorrhoids?
13:13I'll keep just checking for you, sir
13:15Watson, Kaplett and Partners, can I help you?
13:22Yes, he's standing right next to me as a matter of fact
13:25Somebody ask him when you're going to shift a pile of manure
13:29Is it an emergency?
13:32No
13:54Morning, Mrs. Meldrew
13:58Is it me or is it moist?
14:03Oh, it is a bit on the humid side today
14:07Did you have a nice weekend?
14:09Lovely, thank you
14:10Where did you go to in the end?
14:11To hospital
14:13Yes, I'm afraid Granny took a turn for the worse
14:15So I had to run Mother up there on a sudden mercy dash
14:18Which was a little fraught
14:20Her wheelchair accidentally locked into high-speed reverse
14:23And she went on a bit of a mystery tour of the Clemenately wing
14:27It took us an hour and a half to find her again
14:29Of course, by then she'd already gate-crashed three hysterectomies
14:32So it's a bit of a day all in all
14:35So how is your grandmother now?
14:37Not giving any cause for concern or anything?
14:40Oh, no, no, no
14:42Not now, she's dead
14:45Well, she was 93 and they reckon it was a broken bone that finally did it
14:50Oh, dear
14:52Didn't know you could die of a broken bone
14:55Well, you can when it's stuck in your windpipe, apparently
14:58She's always a great one for gnawing on chicken carcasses
15:01And just one of those things, I suppose
15:04Funeral's tomorrow
15:06Don't think Mother's looking forward to it very much
15:08Hiya, Mother
15:09Mrs Meldrew said she was very sorry to hear the tragic news
15:14How's Mr Meldrew?
15:16Getting on all right with his new allotment?
15:18Funnily enough, I always think about it when I pass his horse manure in the mornings
15:22Oh, yes
15:24Yes, he seems to be getting quite into it now
15:27A bit of interest in life at last
15:30I'm sorry, Mr Swayne, you'll have to excuse me, only I've got some potatoes on
15:34Oh, no, don't let them spoil
15:36I'm very sorry about your grandmother and I must dash
15:41See you, Mrs Meldrew
15:45You being timid too?
15:47Don't!
15:48And I had a bloody quarter I had to wait in that bloody place for a simple repeat prescription
15:53I haven't had a chance to get to the chemists
15:55Do you think you can get it for me when you're out?
15:57But don't move that when you're this afternoon, it'll be lynching me from a lamppost
16:01Wonderful, isn't it?
16:03The health service is overstretched to breaking point
16:05Three million unemployed
16:07You'd think people would find better things to moan about
16:11Something's burning in here
16:25BELLS RING
16:51BELLS RING
16:55BELLS RING
17:19Afternoon
17:21Mr Meldrew, is it?
17:23Yes
17:24I won't shake hands
17:26Dr Mervyn Myall
17:28I believe you're expecting me
17:30Sorry?
17:31I just need to carry out a couple of tests, Mr Meldrew
17:35You won't take a jiffy
17:38What?
17:40In the middle of an allotment?
17:42You've got a couple of tics, have you?
17:45I haven't, no
17:46Look, they found my prescription in the end
17:48It fell out of a copy of Smash Hits on the waiting room table
17:52No, no, Mr Meldrew, I'm not that sort of doctor
17:55I'm from the Borough Council
17:57Health and Public Safety Department
18:00I thought my office had already contacted you
18:03Don't what?
18:05Nothing you need concern yourself about, Mr Meldrew
18:08Nothing at all
18:10Now then, this is the money you're here, is it?
18:18What are you doing?
18:20You bought this from a gentleman last week, I gather
18:23Black beard, long black coat, bit of a foreign accent
18:27Yes, what about it, what's the problem?
18:32For goodness sake, tell me, what's wrong with my horse manure?
18:37Don't be silly, Margaret
18:39I was just doing a stock take on my vitamins, Patrickson
18:44So, no, it's very convenient
18:47I just thought I ought to make amends
18:50Oh, you don't have to
18:52Mine's as bad, they deserve each other
18:56You'd think two fully grown men would be more tolerant, more forgiving
19:00Would you?
19:02No, I suppose you wouldn't really
19:08You swear by all this, do you?
19:10Oh, that's Patrick's ginseng
19:13He takes it to reverse the ageing process
19:16Does it work?
19:18Well, in that he's acting like a five-year-old
19:22Of course, he's always had a childish side to his nature
19:26Except when he was a child, oddly enough
19:29I don't know what to do about him and Victor
19:32I mean, it's one thing to call someone a tosspot to their face
19:36But when you go to the lengths of having it iced on the front of a Thornton's Easter egg
19:41Well, I think it's got beyond a joke
19:46I mean, he did put a card in the post as well
19:49No name or address on the envelope
19:51Just the words, to that cretin in the can
19:56I suppose it helped him to let off steam at the time
19:59Yes
20:00The irony is, we received it
20:04About the quickest a letter's ever got to us, I think
20:07There we are
20:08Get that down your neck, soothe away all your troubles
20:11Oh?
20:12Chamomile, tilia, lemongrass and jasmine
20:16Mind it's a bit hot
20:18I wonder if Victor could do with any of this to supplement his diet
20:22What sort of things does he eat?
20:24Anything, of any sort or description
20:27In the most hideous and disgusting combinations
20:31Food you wouldn't put in the same cupboard he will happily slice up together on his Weetabix
20:37It's like watching non-stop junk mail going through a letterbox
20:42I think he lost all sense of taste years ago
20:44Stomach like a bin liner
20:47This is nice, you get this at the health food shop
20:50Two spoonfuls to calm you down, three and you sleep like a top
20:55God, you're well stocked up
20:57Well, need all the vitamins I can get from now on, I'm afraid
21:01What is that?
21:04Fibber?
21:05Iron, zinc, magnesium
21:07Patrick's got this vision of the doctor coming out saying
21:10Congratulations, it's metal Mickey
21:15You must be thrilled, congratulations
21:18Well, I'm not sure thrilled is the word
21:22Wasn't exactly planned
21:24I know I'm supposed to be all glowing and maternal
21:28But when you look round at the state of things
21:31I don't think life is something I'd wish on my worst enemy
21:35And you never know what you're bringing into the world
21:38I mean, look at the people who started out as babies
21:43Hitler
21:45Dr. Crippin
21:48You wait till it's born, it'll be a treasure
21:51You just wonder these days what kind of a start that is in life
21:55To be the child of a bus driver
21:57I did think about packing it in
22:00But then Patrick said he could always work more from home
22:03And look after it for me
22:05The way his business has been going lately
22:08You've just got your post-natal depression a bit early
22:11It'll be the most wonderful thing that's ever happened
22:14You won't want to stop
22:16Well, we'll see I suppose
22:18Have some more tea
22:26No, no, no, no
22:29There's nothing to worry about here, Mr. Melder
22:31You can rest assured of that
22:33Will you stop telling me I have nothing to worry about
22:35You're making me extremely worried
22:37What's all this about?
22:39Ah, there's no danger of gamma rays or anything like that
22:42You can put your mind at rest on that one
22:45Gamma rays?
22:47It makes you wonder how these cowboys
22:49Get hold of the ruddy stuff in the first place, doesn't it?
22:52I don't know
22:53Of course, the stables have all been closed down now
22:56Just for the time being
22:58They're not certain the contamination levels were significant
23:01But you can't be too careful
23:03When you're sitting right next door to a nuclear reactor plant, can you?
23:06This is just by way of being a precaution, really
23:09Nuclear reactor plant?
23:11What contamination levels?
23:13Contamination levels of what?
23:15Biorites
23:17All of this manure should have been seized by the Minister of Agriculture
23:20Not driven halfway across the country
23:22So any idiot could just buy the...
23:25What is it?
23:26Look at that
23:28Where the hell did that come from?
23:30Looks like a piece of fairy light off a Christmas tree
23:34What are you trying to tell me?
23:36Is it dangerous?
23:38Oh, no, no, no
23:40You're talking a mere 4.3 micro micro curies
23:44Have I?
23:45Oh, yes, well below permitted levels
23:47Well below permitted levels
23:50Although still more than normal
23:52But, as I say
23:54There's nothing you should concern yourself about here, Mr. Meldrew
23:58Have a Mars bar
24:02A Mars bar?
24:04What kind of advice is that?
24:06I'm standing here with a lot being covered in radioactive horse shit
24:10And all you can say is have a Mars bar?
24:15What am I supposed to do now, for God's sake?
24:18Well, if I were you, I'd just forget all about it
24:21Oh, would you?
24:22Yeah, I mean it really isn't at all significant
24:25It's just it's our duty to check up on these things, that's all
24:31I'm absolutely positive it's safe
24:35The radiation levels are absolutely minuscule, Mr. Meldrew
24:39Look, you see this digital watch?
24:42Yes
24:44I can get you one of these at half price if you're interested
24:47I've got a mate bringing some in from the continent at cost
24:50There's a ladies' model too, if your wife fancies one
24:52Look, think about it and give me a ring, alright?
24:55Well, bye then, Mr. Meldrew
24:58Oh, for God's sake, stop worrying
25:01You'll end up a complete nervous wreck
25:04That's right
25:06Stop worrying
25:10I'm never going to buy anything from anyone who comes to the door ever again
25:14You said that would happen, didn't you?
25:16What?
25:17If you cut your nails on a Sunday
25:20Oh yes, I distinctly remember you saying, watch out
25:23Someone's going to palm you off with a hundred radioactive horse droppings
25:26From the size of a bee riding academy
25:28I mean, it happens every day
25:30You said you'd have bad luck
25:33When do I have good luck?
25:35Anyway, you said there was nothing to worry about
25:37So what are you worried about?
25:39What am I worried about?
25:41That the hairs are going to fall out of my gooseberries
25:44I don't know what it can lead to, do you?
25:46I already fought in three wheelbarrow fools when he arrived
25:50I just don't know why everything you do has to end up as a three-eyed bloody...
25:59What the bloody hell's this?
26:02That is my hair styling mousse when you've quite finished
26:09You'll be more clearly marked
26:11You'll be more clearly marked in a minute
26:16What's that supposed to mean?
26:27It was having a baby
26:29It was
26:31Why is that so strange?
26:33I didn't think she had room for one
26:40What's that supposed to mean?
26:42Well, I mean, don't they use a spare bedroom as an office?
26:47She admitted it wasn't exactly planned
26:50Seemed a bit down in the dumps about it at the moment
26:53I'm sure that'll pass
26:55Must be a bit of a worry
26:57When you stop to think about it
26:59What you might be unleashing on the world
27:01Could grow up into anything
27:03Could be one of the Kray brothers
27:05A jammy beadle
27:08One more noise to worry about this Sunday, I suppose
27:11I suppose so
27:13Right, that's me
27:16You were an accident
27:18Yes, I expect so
27:20I've brought you a glass of water up
27:22Right, thanks
27:29What did you say?
27:31What?
27:33You said I was an accident
27:36Oh, what about it?
27:38Who told you that?
27:40Your father told me at our wedding reception
27:42He said you were a complete and total mistake
27:45The result of a careless oversight on their first night in Skegness
27:52No-one said anything to me about that before
27:55What sort of thing you tell a child, is it?
27:57Only once you're born, you're born
27:59And you said I wasn't planned in any way?
28:03No, apparently you were a complete and total surprise
28:06Your mum was hoping for a new gas cooker
28:11Like everything else in life, I suppose you make do in the end
28:17I suppose, yes
28:20Oh, I can't remember whether I locked the back door
28:22Will you check?
28:26Yes, right
28:32Thank you
28:48Victor?
28:51You haven't been...
28:54Oh, God, no!
28:59Right, I know
29:01Thank you very much, Mrs Eldridge
29:03I'm... I see you, Patrick
29:07Yes, I expect you will
29:17Well, the saga continues
29:20At least it's nice to know there's never a dull moment living next door to those two
29:23Are you on the moan again?
29:25Still looking on the positive side, that's that mystery cleared up
29:28What is?
29:29The mystery of my missing ginseng capsules, remember?
29:32I was hunting high and low for them last night
29:34Where were they?
29:35Oh, Mr Mildrew had been sticking them up his bottom
29:42I didn't beg your pardon
29:44Yes, apparently
29:46I looked in most places, I think it's fair to say I didn't dream of looking there
29:51What are you talking about?
29:53I don't know why I'm so surprised, really
29:55I mean, the man seemed capable of virtually anything
29:57But how did he get hold of them?
30:00Well, how he got hold of them is something I'd rather not contemplate, thank you
30:03Between the thumb and the forefinger, presumably
30:06Beyond that, the whole image is too horrific to even think about
30:09Margaret was fiddling about with them on this table
30:12They must have fallen in her bag
30:14That's right, she said she'd been to the chemist to pick up a prescription
30:17So he must have pi...
30:19Oh, dear
30:21I mean, what are we supposed to do?
30:23Put a statutory notice on the side of every bottle of vitamin pills?
30:26Caution, this product should not be shoved up Victor Mildrew's rectum?
30:30You're not throwing the rest away?
30:32Somehow they've lost their appeal
30:34I can't imagine why
30:36I'll have a word with her, I was going round there anyway
30:39Unbelievable
30:41Unbelievable
30:52Hello
30:54Pippa, hello
30:56I'm sorry
30:58I'm afraid that didn't improve matters much, did it?
31:01Oh, don't worry about it
31:03You just off?
31:05In a minute or two
31:07Got to earn a few more pennies
31:09What's that?
31:11Well, I was down there first thing, remembering how much you liked it, so...
31:14Oh, Pippa, thanks so much
31:16How much did I owe you?
31:18Don't be daft
31:20It's a very relaxing last thing at night
31:22Very good if you suffer with a lot of tossing and turning in your sleep
31:25Victor does the tossing and turning
31:27I suffer
31:29Like a whirling dervish, the way he wraps those sheets round himself
31:32I'm lying there freezing to death
31:34and next to me there's this Egyptian mummy snoring his head off
31:38Human corkscrew
31:40Anyway, we'll certainly give it a try
31:42How are you feeling today? Any better?
31:44Oh, mode comes and goes, you know
31:47Got to look lively myself
31:49I'll see you later probably
31:51Thanks a lot, Pippa
32:07Oh, Mr Sweeney
32:09Come in
32:11How did it go?
32:13You're looking a bit peaky
32:15Not to be wondered at, I suppose
32:17Were there many there?
32:19Not really, six of us counting the corpse
32:23I wanted to thank you for the flowers
32:25We were both deeply touched, Mother especially
32:27How is she?
32:29Well, she spent most of the service crying and blowing her nose
32:32It was a bit like hearing a bide with me being played on the tuba
32:36And of course she started getting her prickly heat
32:39So I've just wheeled her back indoors, give her a chance to cool down a bit
32:42Would you like a cup of tea?
32:44This is herbal, supposed to be very soothing
32:47I won't thank you, I've got Auntie Min on the back seat
32:49And she'll be itching to get back to her slug gun
32:52All right
32:55I'm going to miss my bus
32:57Were you going to the shop? I can drop you there, I'm going right past
33:00Are you sure? That would save my life
33:02I won't be tickled, just get my purse
33:15Morning, Mr Mulder
33:17Morning, how are you?
33:19Are you all right?
33:21Just the worry of Mother, I suppose
33:23Always knocks you for six, doesn't it?
33:25Death in the family
33:27Oh
33:32I don't know about this, when did this happen?
33:35Sorry?
33:37When did she die?
33:39Oh, on Sunday, I'll put it down
33:41When did she die?
33:43Oh, on Sunday, half past six at the hospital
33:47I didn't know she'd been taken up there
33:49Who?
33:51Your mother
33:53Oh yeah, yeah, took her up in the afternoon
33:55No sooner got her up there than we lost her
33:57Didn't Mrs Mulder tell you?
33:59She didn't say anything, no
34:01It's all been a pretty gruelling experience
34:04I've just got back with her from the crematorium, actually
34:12Really?
34:14I was telling Mrs Mulder she's still a bit on the hot side, unfortunately
34:20Is she, yes?
34:22Yes, take a while to cool down, I expect
34:26I expect, yes
34:31I said I'd give your wife a lift in, it's on my way
34:34You couldn't do me a favour while I'm gone and keep an eye on Mother for me
34:37Only, it's just the thought of leaving her on her own
34:41Do you know what I mean, if you don't mind?
34:46No, don't wait
34:48Honey, where you are?
34:50I'm coming Mrs Mulder, I will see you later then, and thanks very much, I appreciate it
34:55Bye Mr
34:56Bye then
35:11Stop!
35:30Stop!
35:37Yes
35:39What?
35:41No, I bloody well don't want to subscribe to a witch
35:50I don't believe it
36:11I don't believe it
36:13Stop!
36:19Stop!
36:39Oh, Jesus
36:44I...
37:06Right, you'll remember to get those chops, won't you?
37:09I mean, Sarah's leaving due at lunchtime, so I don't suppose I'll get the chance
37:13This is an interesting one, unless I'm very much mistaken
37:16He's just come out of the house and unravelled six toilet rolls into a cast iron skillet
37:21And he's scrunched them all up and set fire to them
37:23Patrick, will you come away from that bloody window?
37:26No, he's sprinkling misola cooking oil all over them to make them burn
37:29I don't believe this
37:31No, he's mashing up all the ashes with the end of a rolling pin
37:35Like a mortar and pestle
37:37Yes, I dare say he is
37:40Where are the car keys?
37:42What do you mean, yes, I dare say he is?
37:45What sort of remark is that?
37:47Talk about being anally fixated, my God
37:50You say he's normal
37:52I never said he was normal
37:54You're not telling me these are the actions of a sane human being
37:56A man must be shot away to buggery, if you ask me
37:58Did you hear me?
38:00You're getting the chops
38:02Yes, I heard you
38:04Right, I'll see you tonight, then
38:12Mad as a bloody March Hare
38:15I wonder if we could get him certified on Bupa
38:20Where have you been? Your meal's nearly ready
38:23I suddenly realised it was the last day to pay the video rental
38:26It's a queue a mile long up there
38:28I get all the way back to the car
38:30I find out she had tapped in the wrong amount
38:32So I had to go traipsing all the way back again
38:37Where is it? Has he taken it?
38:39Has who taken what?
38:41Evidently
38:43Can you imagine bringing something like that into someone else's house?
38:48I suppose you'll notice the difference
38:50What are you rabbiting about?
38:52Do you want toasted buns with this or use up the stale?
38:55Use up the stale would be fine for toast
38:58Ah, do my ears deceive me?
39:00Or is that the rumble of the Tuesday night paper shredder chattering into life?
39:06Ah, yes, here it comes
39:10All the local news straight off the presses
39:15I don't know why they don't just print it in confetti and be done with it
39:22Where is it?
39:24Your problems answered by Mimsy Berkovits
39:30Dear Mimsy, I wonder if I am unusual in only having one eyebrow
39:36It stretches over both my eyes and the top of my nose
39:39Giving me the appearance of someone with a nine-inch caterpillar crawling across my face
39:46I don't believe some of these
39:49Listen to this one
39:51Dear Wipethor Witzendt
39:54Please stop worrying
39:56I can assure you it is not possible to catch a venereal disease from underpants bought at a jumble sale
40:05I can get you back now, all right?
40:08Yes, right
40:14I don't believe it, look at this
40:19Look at what?
40:20Look at this headline
40:22Gardeners reel at doomsday dung horror
40:27Dozens of elderly gardeners were today being treated for shock
40:30after learning that quantities of radioactive horse manure
40:33had been dumped on an allotment close to the area where they work
40:38And although a local health official said the material had been declared perfectly safe
40:42a wave of panic was already set in amongst local allotment holders
40:47Sparking fears of mutant parsnips and giant stump-feeding earthworms
40:52As depicted in the science fiction film Tremors
40:56Said 70-year-old Mr. Horace Tring of Khartoum Terrace
40:59This is Three Mile Island all over again
41:04Meanwhile the spreader of the doomsday dung, Mr. Victor Meldrew
41:1161, had this morning gone to ground
41:15Gone to ground and gone to gateway
41:19And was refusing to answer the door to reporters
41:21But neighbours close to his riverbank home confirmed that a manure
41:25The manure was outside Meldrew's house
41:28Had been seen to emit a strange sinister glow in the dark
41:33I can't believe, can you believe this?
41:35They've blown the whole thing out of all bloody proportion
41:38What's that number? I'm going to ring the editor now
41:48Ah, Mr. Meldrew
41:51What?
41:52Ben Killick, Chairman of the Allotments Association
41:55I'm afraid you seem to have caused a bit of an upset among some of our members
41:59So I've been instructed to call round here to tell you that steps have been taken
42:04Steps?
42:05What's a step?
42:06Look, there's absolutely no risk involved
42:09Everything's been declared totally safe
42:11A man came and checked it over, took samples away for analysis
42:14Yes, I've been led to believe, Mr. Meldrew
42:17There's only one question I want to ask you and that is
42:19Do you or do you not wish to keep that allotment?
42:23Of course I want to keep it
42:25Ah, fair enough then
42:27Otherwise, you see, we would have taken it up to the tip
42:31OK, George
42:35What the?
42:53What the?
42:54What?
42:59Pollute your own environment if you want to, but you're not going to pollute ours
43:06Oh
43:20Mr. Meldrew
43:21God save us, here we go
43:23Look, it wasn't my fault
43:24It was the bloody press that stirred all this up
43:26The stupid senile
43:28I didn't ask them to clog the bloody lot up and count it back here again
43:31Victor, will you wrap up?
43:34Patrick, what is it?
43:37I wondered if one of you could run me up to the hospital
43:40It's been a very bad bus crash
43:44It's all right, love, it's OK
43:48I feel worse than I look
43:51You mean you look worse than you feel
43:55No
43:57Just one of those things
44:00Car shot out in front of me from a side street
44:03I went straight in
44:05It wasn't your fault
44:07Don't blame yourself
44:08Maniac with bollocks for brains
44:12I could have ploughed across the traffic and killed 50 people
44:17I don't know how I didn't
44:21Breath test was positive, of course
44:24Isn't it always?
44:26Where are people ever going to get it into their skulls?
44:30You should be locked away for life
44:32There's simply no excuse
44:34No, no, I don't think you understand, Margaret
44:38My breath test was positive
44:45No
44:46Just over three milligrams or something
44:50I mean, I know I was fine, but that's not the point, of course
44:54Am I right, Margaret?
44:56No excuse at all
44:59Lunchtime, one of the office staff was leaving
45:03Had three martinis pushed into my hand
45:08Well, I've paid for it now, haven't I?
45:11It's all right
45:13Try not to keep thinking about it
45:15Lost my licence
45:17Lost my job
45:21Lost my baby
45:25Lost my life
45:37Typical, I suppose, really
45:39Should have ended up the same way as it began
45:45Accidents will happen
45:49I wonder why they didn't put that in my birth certificate
45:53Life by misadventure
45:56Just as though it summed it all up
46:01I've just been down to check the back door
46:03I found this stuck to the glass outside
46:10Shall I put it in the book?
46:13What book?
46:15What book?
46:21How's the bedtime drink?
46:23Yeah, it's fine
46:24What is it?
46:25It's a special herbal tea
46:27I got it for me at the health food shop
46:29Said, drink all that back and you'll have the best night's sleep ever
46:46Night, then
46:48Night
47:15They say I might as well face the truth
47:19That I am just too long in the toot
47:22I've started to deteriorate
47:26And now I've passed my own sell-by date
47:29Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true
47:33I have to pop my teeth into tune
47:36And my old knees have started to knock
47:40I've just got too many miles on the clock
47:43So I'm wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways
47:47It's true that my body has seen better days
47:50But give me half a chance and I can still misbehave
47:54One foot in the grave
47:57One foot in the grave
48:00One foot in the grave
48:13© transcript Emily Beynon