One Foot In The Grave - 302 [couchtripper][U]
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00:00They say I might as well face the truth But I am just too long in the tooth
00:09So I'm an OAP at Wigneen But I have not yet quite gone to sea
00:16I may be over the hill now that I have retired Fading away but I've not yet expired
00:24Clamped out, run down, too old to shave One foot in the grime
00:54One morning last June, a few of us were round having a bit of a chinwag over coffee
01:00And somehow or other, the subject had drifted on to weird dreams and nightmares
01:06Exactly. And then, it must be for this last month now, I keep waking up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat
01:17And it's always the same thing I've been dreaming
01:22I'm locked in a prison cell, waiting to be hanged for battering to death a balding old man with white hair
01:34Go on
01:36And then, at the last minute, they grant me a special reprieve on the grounds of justifiable homicide
01:46But the strange thing is, I don't want to leave the prison
01:51I want to stay where I am, or I'll kill him
01:58I keep hanging on to the cell door, just clinging to the bars, kicking and screaming and yelling that I want to stay where I am
02:09What does it mean?
02:11Oh, shh, now shush, that must be him
02:14He only had to go to Sainsbury's and pick up his shoes from the menders and see what he has to moan about
02:19Unbelievable, absolutely, oh, good morning ladies
02:24Can you believe that? They've lost the left shoe
02:28Lost it, and you know what he did there? He said he'd only charge me half price
02:35He said he couldn't see any fairer than that, can you believe...
02:40Well, they haven't heard the last of that, and I hope they don't think they have
02:46Oh!
02:48Sorry?
02:50No, I can't help it
02:53You didn't get that hideous Noel Edmonds sweater then, after all
02:57They're out of my size, I'm picking one up Thursday
03:00You're seriously going to buy one, are you?
03:03I am, yes
03:07What's this for?
03:09What's it for? Picking my nose with
03:12What do you think it's for?
03:14Going to nail up that fence panel this morning, stop him next door waltzing into our garden every five minutes
03:19Oh, yes, by the way, I forgot to tell you, he's getting some pigeons
03:23Pigeons? Oh, you must be joking
03:27That's all we need
03:29Precision bombing raids all over the bloody room
03:32When did he tell you this?
03:34This morning
03:36He's invited us round there later
03:38I think he's rather keen to show them off
03:41This isn't the kind of mustard I buy
03:47How many times do I have to tell you to pack freshly baked bread on the top?
03:56I'll have to take a bicycle pump for that now
04:00Did you get my tights?
04:02They're in there somewhere
04:05These are stockings, and they're blue
04:09Don't you look at anything before you buy it?
04:11Sure, it said tights
04:13Thick blue stockings
04:15That's how you see me, is it?
04:18Well, they might come in handy
04:20What for? Insulating a pair of electric eels?
04:24I can just take those straight back and change them
04:26I'm not going back to face all those giggly girlies on the till
04:30I'm not going back to face all those giggly girlies on the till
04:33And look a complete idiot
04:35You are a complete idiot
04:37Galloping up and down the aisles like Ben-Hur
04:40Slinging any old thing into the trolley
04:42You haven't got the brains you were born with sometimes
04:46Oh, right
04:50Thank you very much
04:53Thank you, Margaret
04:55Now, for once, it's Margaret who's starting to get on Victor's nerves
05:00All over nothing at all, the way it so often is
05:04And as fate would have it
05:06Things were due to get steadily worse as the day wore on
05:13Morning, Mr Meldrum, how about it?
05:17How did you...
05:18Oh, I moved it further down to save trampling your pansies
05:21How extremely considerate of you
05:23Now, I just popped by to give you this
05:25Saturday at three, our annual summer fate
05:28Now, we've got all the old favourites
05:30Mrs Giddy's homemade spam
05:32And Mr Dobkin's stall of neo-fascist insignia
05:35Yes, well, unfortunately, I think I've got something on this Saturday
05:39And as you'll see, we've got a very famous television celebrity opening it for us
05:43I've forgotten her name at the moment
05:45She's in that coffee commercial, you know, The Two Neighbours?
05:47Will they or won't they?
05:49And, yes, we've persuaded her to sell kisses at 50p a time
05:52So, that should be a bit of fun
05:54She's quite a glamorous lady, I believe
05:56Yes, I believe
05:58Anyway, I better dash
06:00I've got my pigeons being delivered today
06:02And I hope you're going to pop round later
06:04I'm sure you'll want to give your opinion on them
06:06Yes, I'm sure I will
06:14Okey-dokey, so that's Mr Sweeney, 259
06:17Mrs Meldrum, 236
06:20And Mr Meldrum, 12
06:23He like another game?
06:25I imagine it's probably past his bedtime by now, actually, Mr Green
06:29I must say, that was very bad luck he had there
06:32I don't think I've ever seen anyone pick up seven Es at once before
06:35It must be a record
06:38Oh, incidentally, Mr Meldrum
06:40I meant to warn you, don't use the white hand towel in there
06:43I've got a contagious skin disease that erupts all down the backs of the arms and legs
06:48And it's not a lot of fun, unfortunately
06:52Now, anyone fancy a game of charades at all?
06:55Well, to be honest, I think it's time we were getting back
06:59Thanks for the save, it's nearly quarter past...
07:01Oh, shush, just a minute, if you would, please
07:03I think Mother's woken up by the sound of things
07:05I think she wants something
07:12It was two clumps with her walking stick
07:14Two rings on the bell, two hoots on the horn and one whistle
07:17Right, where's the code book?
07:19Clump, clump, ding, ding, honk, honk, peep
07:24Clump, clump, ding, ding, honk, honk, peep
07:27Help, I'm being attacked by two masked gunmen with blunt objects
07:33I don't think that can be do...
07:34Oh, no, she probably means clump, clump, ding, ding, peep, peep, honk
07:37Please bring me up a digestive biscuit
07:39Right, I'll be back in just two shakes of a lamb's tail, will you?
07:42Well, actually, now might be as good a moment as any for us to wend our way, actually
07:47Are you sure?
07:48Oh, well, it's been a treat having you and we must do it again soon
07:51Yes, we will
07:53You come to us, it'll be fun
07:55Oh, thanks, yes, that would be nice
07:57Now, are you sure you don't want to take a pigeon back with you?
08:00They're nice cold
08:01Er, thanks, I think I've eaten enough for one night
08:05So, good night, then
08:06Good night, then, and bye, Mrs Meldrew
08:08Bye, and thanks for everything
08:12Ah, ah
08:17Right you are, but don't aggravate it
08:19It probably just needs a poultice
08:21I'll go and put a flannel in the sandwich toaster
08:25Ahem
08:41The Boston Strangler
08:44That was an easy one, I'm afraid
08:46Oh, do you mind if I go and pop a drop more ice in here?
08:49Help yourself
08:50Ahem
08:53Thank you very much for that
08:55Why don't you just mind the Texas Chainsaw Massacre and put us all out of our misery?
09:01When you said he could come round here next time, I didn't expect it to be 15 minutes later
09:08Two bloody hours he's been here
09:11Now, you will tell me if I'm keeping either of you up
09:14Yes, that was a good film, The Boston Strangler, yeah
09:17Do you ever see it? Tony Curtis
09:19Oh, I think we saw it in London
09:21I think that's the one where he was sexually molested by a monkey
09:25Was he? I don't remember that
09:27Not Tony Curtis, Victor
09:33As we were standing in the queue outside
09:36You know those buskers with a monkey that holds out the cap for the money?
09:41Well, it leapt on Victor like a thing possessed
09:46It took three buckets of water before they could drag it off
09:52I don't remember
09:55I'm hardly likely to forget it, am I?
09:59And I think we can spare Mr Sweeney all the lurid details if you don't mind
10:04Put him anywhere near a monkey and they go wild
10:10Chimpanzees, orangutans, the lot
10:13We never have fathomed out why they find him so erotic
10:17I did think of writing to Desmond Morris
10:20Right, now I know, don't I?
10:23Know what?
10:24Why all those biddies were laughing this morning when I peeled that banana
10:30It's so nice to know that every embarrassing detail of my life
10:33Has been broadcast to the world by those closest to me
10:36Victor Meldrew, the complete idiot
10:38He's always good for a laugh, just ask his wife
10:44Shhh
10:53Where have you been? Up since a crack of dawn
10:56Thought I'd be to rush at the supermarket for once
10:59One pair of tights
11:03Where's the er, street map?
11:06It should be there in that drawer
11:09I've just spoken to Mum
11:11She says she's read somewhere
11:13The world's coming to an end Saturday morning
11:15And do we want to buy her electric kettle?
11:18I think I'd better go up there Saturday afternoon
11:21Have a quiet word
11:23If you don't mind being left on your own
11:25You could always go to Mr Sweeney's fate
11:27What fate's that?
11:29He said they're going to have that coffee commercial girl there this year
11:33You know, that glamorous blonde with the pouting lips
11:37You're always moaning about
11:39Really, her?
11:43Well, I suppose I'd better go along
11:45Or I'll never hear the last of it
11:48What are you looking up?
11:50I saw a card on the wall in Sainsbury's
11:52Advertising a pair of black shoes
11:55See what they're like at any rate
11:57Magwitch Crescent, right
11:59Then I came up to town to buy that Noel Edmonds sweater
12:04I see
12:07Just to be obstinate
12:09You're going to pollute the environment
12:11With that eyesore, are you?
12:13Off a knitting pattern from hell
12:16It's a wonder the girls who handle them
12:18Aren't given safety goggles
12:21You wear what you want, Margaret
12:23I'll wear what I want
12:26Yes?
12:27Ah, hello
12:29I believe you've got a pair of black shoes for sale
12:32Oh, yes, please come in, won't you?
12:35Thank you
12:42That was very quick
12:43I only phoned the details through an hour ago
12:45Well, I don't know what to do
12:47I've got to get back to work
12:49I've got to get back to work
12:51I've got to get back to work
12:53That was very quick
12:54I only phoned the details through an hour ago
12:57Well, I just lost a perfectly good pair myself
12:59At the shoemakers
13:01You say they're almost new
13:04Oh, brand new
13:05They're just about a week old
13:07You see, I'm afraid my husband's just died
13:10And, well, I shan't have any use for them, obviously
13:13I'm sorry to hear that
13:15You'd like to come through and try them on?
13:17Thank you very much
13:24Yes, it's all been a bit sudden and upsetting, of course
13:28But, well, you have to pluck up the courage, don't you?
13:32Oh, I'm sorry
13:34I mean, that's what he was always drumming into me
13:36And I'm sure that's what he'd have wanted
13:41Er, eight and a half
13:43That was your size, wasn't it?
13:47Hmm?
13:51Yes, yes
14:16Thank you
14:46Thank you
15:17Thank you
15:21Thank you
15:30Thank you
15:42Thank you
15:46Thank you
16:09Evening, Mr. Meldrew
16:10I can't stay long, will you?
16:12Right you are, bye
16:17BELL RINGS
16:23Erm, Margaret did say she wanted to borrow this recipe book
16:27Oh, you'd better come and wait for her
16:29She's not back from work yet
16:31Oh, really?
16:33Why's that?
16:34I have the faintest idea, ask her
16:37She's probably recording a newsnight interview with Peter Snow
16:40About how much I snore in bed
16:42Unusual for her to be this late
16:45Perhaps I'll give the shop a ring
16:47See if she's still there
16:49Perhaps she's planning to sell me off to a circus
16:51It seems that's all I'm fit for these days
16:54Marriage
16:55I can see why people don't bother with it anymore
16:58Yes, I agree to take this man
17:00For richer, for poorer
17:01In sickness and in health
17:03Till death do his part
17:04When I get a good price for his shoes
17:08Perhaps I'll go tomorrow
17:09And throw myself under a steamroller
17:11She can use me as a hearth rug
17:15Mr Meldrew
17:16You want to come and tea or something?
17:18Mr Meldrew, I just spoke to the manageress at the florists
17:23She was still there doing some paperwork
17:26She said Margaret never turned up for work fair this morning
17:31Nobody's seen or heard anything of her all day
17:36Naturally, it was a terrible shock
17:39We couldn't imagine what had happened
17:42She left the house at 8.30 as usual
17:45When could she have got to?
17:50Well, for the next couple of hours we were hardly off the phone
17:54Ringing everyone we could think of
17:56Her mother, friends, relatives, neighbours
18:00Nobody had seen or heard from her or anything
18:04By midnight she still hadn't come home
18:07And naturally by then we had to call in the police
18:11I volunteered to stay over in case there was anything I could do
18:15But of course, there wasn't
18:19Neither of us got a wink of sleep all night long
18:24The morning came round
18:26There was still no sign of her
18:29And then
18:30It must have been about half past five in the afternoon I suppose
18:35We got a phone call that just about scared the living daylights out of both of us
18:41Hello?
18:46It's the police
18:53They found Margaret's raincoat down by the canal
18:59Forensic to area four
19:03We fished it out and
19:06We found an old receipt in the pocket
19:09We matched it against her access number
19:12I'm sorry to have called you out here like this, Mr Meldrew
19:16Yes, it's her coat
19:22There's nothing we can do here, Mr Meldrew
19:26Why don't you come to my place for a bit?
19:29Try and get some rest
19:33No, thank you Mrs Warboys, I think
19:36I'd rather be on my own for a bit if you don't mind
19:56Try it
20:26Thank you
20:57Shut the door properly or it'll just flap in the draft
21:01Sorry
21:12Where the bloody hell have you been to?
21:16Why? Were you worried about me?
21:19Worried? Where have you been?
21:24Where have you been?
21:26Margate
21:27Where?
21:28You know, up on the north coast of Kent
21:31I know where sodding Margate is, what the hell were you doing there?
21:35I mean, I'm at least dragging rivers and curbing the countryside with sniffer dogs for you
21:42I mean, what in God's name did you think you were playing at?
21:47Come to bed
21:48What?
21:50Come to bed
21:53But I mean
21:55What happened? Are you alright or what?
21:59Of course I'm alright
22:02I just needed to escape for a bit
22:06You know how you do sometimes
22:09It was a complete spur of the moment thing
22:13I was walking past that office yesterday morning, the one that does all the coach tours
22:18And I saw a sign, two days in Margate
22:23So I just got on it and went
22:26I did think of ringing you when I got there but that would have defeated the whole object
22:32Defeated what object?
22:35We went there for our third anniversary, do you remember?
22:40And you took me to that huge funfair place, Dreamland
22:46We had a couple of excited children
22:49We got stuck in the hall of mirrors for over an hour
22:52The man had to come in and get us
22:54And you said you didn't mind
22:57You were happy to stay there and look at all the reflections of me
23:02Did I?
23:07Funny how the sea can stir up memories
23:13Because that's when I remembered it
23:16Sitting there on the front yesterday afternoon
23:20Suddenly it all came back to me
23:24And suddenly I understood it
23:28You know, that nightmare
23:32What all came back to you?
23:38When I was five years old
23:41We had two budgies that I always felt sorry for
23:45Locked up all the while in the same cage
23:48And one day I tried to let them out for a fly around the room
23:55But one of them wouldn't come
23:59And I got hold of its wing and tried to tug it
24:02But it just kept clinging on to the bars and squawking
24:06And just refused to come out of the cage
24:10The other one flew straight out like a rocket
24:14Straight across the room, crashed into the window
24:18And killed itself
24:21The next day at school
24:24We were asked to write a story about something that had happened to us
24:28And I wrote my story about the budgies
24:32And the teacher, Mr. Phillips
24:36Made me read it out loud in front of the whole class
24:41And everyone laughed
24:45And I knew he'd done it deliberately
24:49Just to be cruel to me
24:52Because basically he was a bastard
24:58And he was bald with white hair
25:03And I remember thinking, even at that age
25:07How much I wanted to batter him to death
25:12And the next day, when Mum tried to take me to school
25:17I refused to go
25:20And she kept smacking me and trying to drag me out
25:23And I kept hanging on to the front door
25:26Screaming and kicking
25:29Because now I knew how horrible everything was out there
25:35And I knew why the other budgie hadn't wanted to leave the cage
25:41Because I suppose he knew he was better off where he was
25:47But they found your green raincoat by the canal
25:53Did they?
25:56What do you mean, did they? How did it get there?
26:00I hadn't worn that coat for two years
26:03And last week I gave it away to a jumble sale
26:07You never did notice anything I was wearing
26:12Well, night-night
26:19Night
26:26Night
26:34Tomorrow afternoon, at the feet
26:37When you go up to that girl for your kiss
26:41Have a couple on me
26:50OK, ladies and gentlemen, the big moment now
26:53The lovely actress and star of all those famous coffee commercials
26:57Couldn't make it after all, I'm afraid, today
27:00Due to a mix-up over her booking dates
27:03But at very short notice, we're thrilled to welcome another young lady
27:07Just as famous, I think, from a tea commercial
27:10So I'm sure you'll all give her a very warm welcome
27:14As I introduce...
27:16Sorry, um...
27:19She was here a minute ago
27:22I don't want to interrupt
27:33Oh, um...
27:37Oh, dear
27:53And I gather it took three buckets of water before they could grab her
28:04I'd better dash
28:06As I say, I'd rather all this didn't go any further, if you would
28:12Because a lot of it was told to me in the strictest confidence
28:16So, all the best to you both, then
28:20Bye
28:21Bye
28:22Bye
28:24Nice woman
28:25Yes
28:27I wonder who she was
28:33They say I might as well face the truth
28:37That I am just too wrong in the toot
28:40I've started to deteriorate
28:44And now I've passed my own sell-by date
28:47Oh, I am no spring chicken, it's true
28:51I have to pop my teeth into tune
28:54And my old knees have started to knock
28:58I've just got too many miles on the clock
29:01So I'm wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways
29:05It's true that my body has seen better days
29:09But give me half a chance and I can still misbehave
29:13One foot in the grave
29:16I'm one foot in the grave
29:19I'm one foot in the grave