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This episode discusses the caller's dating struggles and self-perception shaped by a critical upbringing. We explore the impact of insecurities, fear of rejection, and lack of parental guidance on their confidence and social interactions. Stefan emphasizes the importance of open communication in families and its influence on relationships, offering guidance on navigating familial dynamics and fostering meaningful connections.
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Join the PREMIUM philosophy community on the web for free!
NOW AVAILABLE FOR SUBSCRIBERS: MY NEW BOOK 'PEACEFUL PARENTING' - AND THE INTERACTIVE PEACEFUL PARENTING AI AND AUDIOBOOK!
Also get the Truth About the French Revolution, the interactive multi-lingual philosophy AI trained on thousands of hours of my material, private livestreams, premium call in shows, the 22 Part History of Philosophers series and much more!
See you soon!
https://freedomain.locals.com/support/promo/UPB2022
Transcript
00:00:00Hello. Hey, how's it going? That's better. I think we're yeah. Yeah, I can hear you. I can hear you. All right. Well, appreciate your time. Let's
00:00:08Let's get going. How can I best help you?
00:00:12Okay, so my call was about the about the issue of me being single still at the age of 23
00:00:21If I can break up my original calling topic, maybe I can read it
00:00:27Go for it
00:00:30Okay, give me just one moment
00:00:38Okay
00:00:39Greeting Steph. I am a 23 year old male from Greece who has been following since
00:00:442019 I was always fascinated by the call-in shows and
00:00:47Specifically how no matter the situation you had great advice that I would never think of I carefully watched the recent episode with a
00:00:55Man around my age with the same issue as me, but his situation seems very different from mine
00:01:01I was raised in a household that from the outside appears normal and good
00:01:06But it's different inside my father thinks it's a shameful that I am still a virgin and keeps telling me that I should have
00:01:13Been in a relationship by now. I just cannot figure out what is wrong. I know it's not my looks
00:01:19It is not bad luck. It is not a woman. So what is wrong with me?
00:01:26Yep, that's it. All right, and so yeah
00:01:29Well, I appreciate you having listened for a long time and I'm sure we can do some useful stuff
00:01:35So do you want to date? Do you want to have a girlfriend?
00:01:40Yes, absolutely
00:01:43I'm not sure what's been holding me back. Actually. I've been recently I've been asking people around me friends
00:01:51My sister people I can open up with what do you think is wrong with me so that I can figure it out and
00:01:59they
00:02:01They've given me mixed answers. So my sister said there's nothing wrong with you
00:02:06Some have said that you're not social enough that you don't have you can
00:02:12I'm not social. I don't meet I don't meet many women through my social enough. Okay. Got it. Sorry
00:02:19Yeah, sorry for the heavy accent
00:02:22Yeah
00:02:26The
00:02:28Those are the answers. I mostly got from my friends. Yeah
00:02:31Nothing very clear that would point me in the right direction. I recently was that you're calling so with a 30 year old virgin
00:02:39Mm-hmm. Oh
00:02:40And I get the full time flash. Oh, no, right. Oh, yes, it is
00:02:45But
00:02:47what I got from that was that
00:02:50You said that in that so that when you meet a woman and she doesn't know who you are
00:02:55The way she filters whether or not you are a good partner
00:02:59will be
00:03:01by the way, you feel about yourself and she will read through your insecurities if they exist and
00:03:07Honestly catches on to that. She will think okay. This man is insecure. She is insecure for some reason. I'm not interested
00:03:15And I think this is a big problem for me because I do have insecurities whenever I am in a situation where I approach a
00:03:22woman I get very worried and even most recently I I
00:03:27Think I missed an opportunity
00:03:30Because of stress because I was insecure
00:03:33But I do not know what is causing that insecurity deep down so I can overcome it fix it improve myself
00:03:41You know, this is where I am at
00:03:44Yeah, so I mean, you know people say in security I
00:03:49It just seems like a big bucket that people put stuff
00:03:52I I don't really know what it means or how it's actionable or what changes if you have that insight
00:03:59But I'm obviously happy to hear so what's your theory about the insecurity? Tell me a little more about that
00:04:06Yeah
00:04:08I've noticed let me think about it
00:04:14I
00:04:18Think that
00:04:22Perhaps I am
00:04:24Perceived as a little different socially awkward perhaps
00:04:29This is something a friend of mine
00:04:32Also said about me when I asked him. What do you think is wrong with me?
00:04:37I'm perhaps afraid that I will embarrass myself that
00:04:43If I get rejected by a girl other people will talk behind my back
00:04:47It's hard to pinpoint exactly what is going on
00:04:51But it's something intense. For example, I messaged a girl a few months ago and
00:04:57While waiting for her responses at night, I could not sleep
00:05:00I was having this feeling of ants crawling all over me and I could not sleep for the whole night
00:05:06So this is something's going on there. I don't know what
00:05:09You
00:05:12Okay, so it doesn't sound like there is much
00:05:18Knowledge that comes out of this label called insecure
00:05:22Yeah
00:05:23Got it. Okay
00:05:26So
00:05:28What does the word insecure?
00:05:30Mean to you. Why would you use that? I mean you could use any word. So what does it mean to you?
00:05:36Hmm
00:05:40I'm
00:05:41Well, I associated with the anxiety I feel when approaching a woman when talking to a woman
00:05:48Perhaps fear there is fear there. I would say that
00:05:54And this fear this anxiety causes me to do things that
00:05:59it
00:06:02Messes up with my performance the way I speak
00:06:05and
00:06:07that makes
00:06:10Sorry, are you touching the microphone or twisting or thumping? I'm getting lots of thumps in my ear. Oh
00:06:15Sorry, I did not do that. Maybe I don't know. No problem. I
00:06:21Was just moving around a little yeah, you could just try and hold still because it's a little distracting
00:06:25Okay. Okay got that
00:06:29Yeah, as I was saying for me insecurities anxiety fear
00:06:33The feeling that something will go wrong
00:06:38Something like that
00:06:41Okay
00:06:43So that is life
00:06:46I'm not sure why that would be so particular if that makes sense. I mean in everything that you do
00:06:57Something could go wrong and things could go badly and you could get rejected and things might fail
00:07:01Like I'm trying to sort of figure out
00:07:05Why that would I mean that's everyone but that's called breathing right? It's like if you said well, why can't I talk to women?
00:07:11Well, I'm I'm breathing. It's like what everyone's breathing. Everyone is
00:07:15Everyone is upset about these things and everybody's worried about these things
00:07:19you know everybody who's a guy approaches a girl and who wants to date her and then maybe she'll say no like
00:07:26So, I'm sorry again, I'm just trying to sort of understand why would it be different for you if that makes sense
00:07:33Yeah
00:07:35Can I think for a second again, listen, no thinking is what we do, so I'm pleased. Oh, yeah. Yeah
00:07:41No, you're thinking on the philosophy show
00:07:45Okay, let's see
00:07:47You
00:07:55Perhaps it comes from lack of experience in when it comes to flirting when it comes to those things. Oh, sorry
00:08:01You have to give me something that's not common to everyone everyone who starts flirting has a lack of experience with flirting
00:08:08Yes, but I'm 33 years old. I
00:08:13Understand I don't know but the answer is not
00:08:18The answer is not enough
00:08:20Right because if you say well, I'm so but but because you had this from the beginning, right?
00:08:26Yes, okay, so everybody has from the beginning we don't know how to flirt we don't know what we're doing
00:08:31We you know, we we try to figure out what what women like or girls like and so again, that's not particular to you
00:08:39Because we need to have something that's not common to everyone because if you say something like well, I'm
00:08:45I'm I'm
00:08:47Nervous around women because I have two legs
00:08:50Right to take a silly example, right? I'm nervous around women because I have two legs and you say well every man has two legs
00:08:56Why why would that be particular to you? So we need to find something that's particular to you
00:09:02He
00:09:05Something that's particular to me, okay
00:09:14You
00:09:23And not sure I'm really not sure yeah, I don't know no that's good because you had an answer that didn't make much sense
00:09:29Which I understand we all we all have that problem, right?
00:09:32Okay, so that's that's actually good news. I think it's good news that that we don't know
00:09:37Okay, because the other thing too is that if you say well my problem with girls is insecurity and and but
00:09:44It wasn't at the beginning right now. We can say well gee I have all of this insecurity because my gosh
00:09:49I'm I'm 33 or whatever, right? So but but that wouldn't have been the case at the beginning if that makes sense
00:09:55Yes. Okay. Got it. Got it. Okay
00:09:58so
00:10:00What might it be?
00:10:02Have you had any dating experience?
00:10:07Very not really haven't dated
00:10:10And
00:10:12There have been some opportunities, it's a the closest to the closest thing to dating
00:10:18but I
00:10:19Get nervous. For example, I can recall approaching that a girl at the party
00:10:23I was a friend of mine took me by the hand essentially to do it
00:10:29Sorry, you approached a girl at a party. Yes, and
00:10:33She said she took you by the hand and said let's do it
00:10:37A friend of mine a friend of mine took me essentially by the hand. Yeah, so that I can go talk to her. Okay, and
00:10:45she
00:10:47Introduced me when I
00:10:49Was shook hands with a woman and then after right that I froze and I just walked away for example
00:10:54I didn't know what to say, right?
00:10:59More more recently I messaged this girl from
00:11:03from school
00:11:04we
00:11:07We were in the the school parade together at the national parade at the country's Independence Day and
00:11:16From there I
00:11:18Sent her a friend request in Facebook. She accepted I sent her a happy birthday because I knew her birthday was recently
00:11:26Then I asked her how are you doing? She sent me a selfie with your friends immediately. That was a good sign. I thought so
00:11:33But then I would start asking my sister for every message what to send because I didn't know what to send and
00:11:44As I told you I could not sleep at those nights I was very nervous
00:11:48And by the end of it, I just I just was worried. I I thought okay, let's end this
00:11:53Let's just ask her out for a coffee
00:11:55Even if she says no, at least we I won't have to wait for the stress of messaging again
00:12:01She said no, I'm still not over here. I think I actually dream about her
00:12:07But yeah, that was done
00:12:10Other than that, there have been some opportunities some friends of my sister who were interested in me because I am pretty good-looking
00:12:17Actually, I looks are not the problem
00:12:20But I was not interested in them, you know that those things
00:12:26Okay, got it
00:12:29Okay, and I
00:12:31Guess the first questions, you know, we're we're adult males. We can I assume talk about this stuff
00:12:36So, how do you deal with your sexual drive? Do you use pornography? Do you masturbate?
00:12:42I mean, how do you deal with just you know, that you're a man and you are a seed bearer and we like orgasms
00:12:48Yeah, I do masturbate. I do not use pornography though. I I
00:12:53will just
00:12:55Maybe even think about an attractive care flow from school or I will use an in an Instagram
00:13:02Profile, for example, if she has I usually look at the face. I don't care about the body so much. Okay, she has a beautiful face
00:13:09Now imagine myself. Have you have you had a
00:13:14Medical checkup blood work, you know all this kind of stuff
00:13:17Yeah, those are all healthy. I just did my blood work a few days ago the only
00:13:23The two things were slightly off, I don't know how to say them in English, but they're not related. Okay, don't think sexual got it
00:13:30Yeah, all right
00:13:33So generally men don't date because they don't want a life like their father's but they don't know how to get something different
00:13:41Hmm, how does that fit?
00:13:45They don't want life like their father's okay
00:13:49When I think about my father's life in relationship to my mother, of course, right
00:13:54Yes, well and and his children and right all of that was do you want your father's life?
00:14:01There are some things about it I look up to and some other things where I would do differently, yeah
00:14:07My father is in terms of career. He's a successful man
00:14:11His career is something I'm proud of but in terms of his family life, I
00:14:18Don't know what first of all, he's 13 years older than my mother. This has always been weird to me. I
00:14:25Know it's not so rare, but to me it's a little weird
00:14:30But
00:14:31my mother is also very sensitive as a person and
00:14:35Sometimes I get very very emotional very argumentative and I thought
00:14:39Argumentative and I thought
00:14:40Why would you they have this those silly arguments of old couples that they that they have, you know?
00:14:46And I thought why would you want to leave this life?
00:14:51Okay, so you don't want your father's life a home life
00:14:55Yeah, and as a father, I think he also failed to and my sister and I agree with this
00:15:01We were both we our parents loved us, but they don't they did not earn our respect
00:15:09So by the time we were in middle school, we were we were already outsmarting our parents we were
00:15:16They could say your father you say your father's very successful, right? Yes. Yes. So he's not he's smart
00:15:24Yes, I suppose so
00:15:26Sorry, this is something I could never I could never figure this out in at home
00:15:31He seems not smart outside. He seems very smart. This was a mystery to me always
00:15:39Okay, so you put your father is smart, I mean you can play dumb you can't play smart, right
00:15:46Yeah. Okay. Yeah, so your father is smart. So how are you and your sister outsmarting him? You say he plays dumb at home. I
00:15:56Think for example every time we would get into an argument
00:15:59Me and my sister would always
00:16:02Win the argument. Maybe he was indifferent. Maybe he'd not try
00:16:06Because he was so invested in his outside life
00:16:08And this was something my my sister was so sorry what with his outside life
00:16:13He was invested. It is his career his outside life. Okay, so so
00:16:18He didn't invest in his children
00:16:22My sister would agree with that. Yeah, and so you both agree with that, right?
00:16:27My opinion is eating mixed because there are times we have our father's own moments
00:16:33She will
00:16:36She will if I ask him something, you know, I want I
00:16:40Want to let's say I wanna go to the shooting range. She will take me there here
00:16:45If I ask him I want to meet some of those people you meet outside in your in your world
00:16:50He will that he will take me places
00:16:53So no, but that's it, right? That's reacting. Well, what did he do as a father?
00:16:59Okay, let me ask you this
00:17:00What advice did your father give you over the course of your childhood and teenage years what advice did he give you
00:17:07That you still use today
00:17:12He
00:17:19Yeah, the
00:17:22He would thought he would told me not to be very shy
00:17:26I
00:17:27Know this is something I try to improve. No, that's that's that's not advice. You know, be more confident. It's not not advice
00:17:34Let's take your doctor. The doctor's advice is is
00:17:38Eat better exercise. Here's what to do
00:17:40The doctor's advice isn't just be healthier like that doesn't help you, right?
00:17:43So it needs to be actual advice that you can do right? I mean don't be shy is not advice
00:17:49Okay. Otherwise, you know, you just call me up and I'd say
00:17:53Succeed with women and I'd hang up would that be helpful to you?
00:17:56Yeah, no, it would not okay
00:17:58So I mean advice advice like things that that were helpful and useful and wise that you still find a value to this day
00:18:06Yeah, I cannot think of anything that does out of the top of my head, you know, so you weren't parented by your father
00:18:13Because parenting is about the transmission of wisdom that lasts a lifetime
00:18:19Right, yes, okay
00:18:21What about your mother did your mother give you helpful advice that you think of to this day and remains helpful in
00:18:29the present
00:18:32No, I don't think so what I took from my mother was her kindness as a person
00:18:37But I don't think I took anything specific. I was not I
00:18:42Would I could never I would never feel like I could come to my parents and ask them for advice
00:18:46I never felt that okay, so you were not parented
00:18:51Yes, no, I mean if I'm unfair
00:18:54I mean the parent if parenting is the transmission of wisdom then your parents didn't transmit any wisdom to you then by definition
00:18:59You weren't parented
00:19:01Yeah. Oh, yes. I was not if by that definition of parenting. I was not parenting
00:19:05Yes, I mean I was taking care of by material things. No, I was no I
00:19:10Understand that you didn't starve to death. Yes, I accept and understand that. Okay
00:19:15Yes, I'm with you a hundred percent hundred percent. Okay
00:19:18So, why didn't your parents parent you
00:19:27Hmm I
00:19:29think that
00:19:31In my opinion, it's not that they did not want to is that perhaps they
00:19:36Couldn't they I don't think they would have it much to say to me
00:19:41I'm sorry, if your father is successful in his career
00:19:45Yes, your father
00:19:47Was successful in dating getting engaged getting married and having children
00:19:56So your father knows how to do these things
00:20:00Right, yes, so when you say they couldn't I mean it's incomprehensible to me
00:20:09It's like well my father was an expert sailor, well, why didn't he teach you sailing well he couldn't
00:20:14You
00:20:16Yeah, I understand I understand okay, so let's try that again and and please try not to
00:20:21You know waste your time with silly defenses. Okay. Why didn't your parents?
00:20:26parent you
00:20:37They could maybe they could they both were successful they could
00:20:42Okay
00:20:43Maybe part of the reason was that
00:20:53Why I always felt uncomfortable with opening up to them so perhaps I
00:20:58I'm partly to blame in in this I build this relationship where
00:21:02We do not talk about our feelings our private stuff months. I'm sorry since when did I say that?
00:21:09That you have to talk about your feelings in order to be parented
00:21:13Oh
00:21:16Well
00:21:18well, I
00:21:19Assume that you would have to right now. I am talking about my feelings in a way
00:21:22I don't say okay. Let me sort of back up a little
00:21:25Yes, when you first got interested in girls, I assume early to mid-teens, right?
00:21:30Yes. Now your father would have been perfectly aware of this because he himself is a male, right?
00:21:35Yes, so your father knew
00:21:39That
00:21:40You were getting interested in girls, right?
00:21:44Yes. Now your father had successfully
00:21:47Gotten a girl. I'm sure he had more than one girlfriend, right?
00:21:51Yes. Okay. So how did your father help you learn how to interact with and talk to girls?
00:22:01Something he knows how to do and you need to learn how to do
00:22:07The only thing he did was offer to take me to the prostitute but I refused many times
00:22:14Sorry, what the fuck now?
00:22:17She told me to take me to you know to a prostitute to do more for my in your teens
00:22:26Not when I was 13 when I was in the Lord older when we realized that okay
00:22:30How old were you when your father wanted to pay for a prostitute to conduct statutory rape on his son?
00:22:38Okay, let me think about this when did he first say this
00:22:45Okay, I had most I had certainly I was certainly adult I was certainly 18 by then
00:22:52Okay, I thought so. So why are you are you flipping time on me here?
00:22:56I'm asking about your early to now you're flipping to adulthood. I mean, it's appalling either way, but it's I guess slightly less appalling
00:23:02I mean, it's appalling either way, but it's I guess slightly less appalling if you're an adult. Okay, so
00:23:09You're interested in girls
00:23:11You don't know what to do because nobody does
00:23:14It's not like it's not like a beaver building a dam, right? I mean they instinctively do that. We don't know that
00:23:20Right. So yes, and of course we don't
00:23:23We don't watch our parents courtship
00:23:27Right because they're together
00:23:29When we're there so we don't see our parents courtship, so your father knows that you're interested in girls
00:23:37How does he tell you what information does it give you about how to succeed with girls
00:23:44Well, I suppose I was not given anything
00:23:48She would she would take interest in the sense that she would ask me. I do you have a girlfriend? Do you plan on?
00:23:55getting one
00:23:56Surely there must be some attractive girls in your class. You would ask these questions, but
00:24:01Never anything specific advice. No, I would not
00:24:04There's no I can't recall of something like that. All right, so
00:24:08Did you lie to him about having a girlfriend or did you tell him the truth that you did not have a girlfriend?
00:24:13No, I always said the truth. Okay, so he realizes
00:24:17Over the course of your teenage life that you're not dating, right?
00:24:22Yeah, okay. So
00:24:25Before the prostitute thing
00:24:28He didn't give you any advice or say let's figure out what's going on or what's not happening or something like that, right?
00:24:34No, no, he was never one to sit down and have a conversation
00:24:38An intelligent conversation. Yeah, I don't think I cannot imagine that. Okay now. Yeah. What about your mother?
00:24:47She knows what girls like
00:24:50to some degree because she's a female and she
00:24:53Likes your father and I'm sure she had other
00:24:56Boyfriends at some point. So what did your mother do to help you learn how to talk to girls?
00:25:05Nothing
00:25:09Nothing
00:25:12On the plus side, I guess she didn't offer to get you a prostitute
00:25:17Yeah
00:25:19Okay, so over the course of you know, 13 or 14 when you start getting interested in girls
00:25:25To the age of 18 or 19 when your father was dangling whores in front of you
00:25:30Nobody helped you so for like half a decade or more
00:25:35Nobody helped you. Yes, why not?
00:25:43I
00:25:45I'm not sure perhaps they assumed it would happen naturally
00:25:49No, it never happens naturally
00:25:53Yeah, no like it never happens naturally and we know that because every culture has different standards
00:26:02British culture is more reserved Turkish culture is more aggressive, right?
00:26:08Yes, American culture is more hedonistic
00:26:12And so on Irish culture tends to be more drunken right in terms of like so how you approach
00:26:21Girls differs in each culture, which means it has to be transmitted
00:26:27Right, I mean our capacity for language is innate but how it manifests is specific to the language we learn as children, right
00:26:35It is yes, okay
00:26:38You so I want you to understand something your father
00:26:44Was the beneficiary of
00:26:46Thousands and thousands of generations of fathers who gave a shit about their children and made sure they knew how to talk to girls
00:26:54Right every single one of your father's ancestors taught their sons how to talk to girls
00:27:02You
00:27:05Your father decided to break that chain of thousands of generations hundreds of thousands of millions of years
00:27:14He decided to say fuck it he's on his own
00:27:20Which is a radical break with the entire tradition of human beings
00:27:24It's like he's saying, ah, you know the kid will figure out language on his own as an adult
00:27:32Yeah, I'm not gonna teach him the names for anything I'm not gonna teach him any language
00:27:35I'm not gonna teach him how to write here. Just figure this shit out on his own. I
00:27:40I understand that this makes sense because
00:27:44There are other aspects of my life where he he was not there to teach me for example, he used to work out he was
00:27:51He used to work out he was
00:27:53She was very good at it
00:27:54But he never taught me anything when it comes to going to the gym, even though I do go to the gym
00:27:58I learned everything myself
00:28:01It's cool at school, he never taught me how to study granted he he barely finished high school, but that's another story
00:28:09Yeah, I understand why why didn't he teach you anything
00:28:16All the knowledge he had that helped him to be successful and why did your mother not teach you anything?
00:28:22Oh, why didn't your mother say listen my husband? You got to talk to your son. He's not doing well
00:28:30I am NOT sure
00:28:34Well, you are I mean, sorry to be annoying but I'm not sure everybody knows I
00:28:39Mean if you don't know your parents, you can't know anyone
00:28:43Because you mean you've had decades of exposure to them, right you've known them as a conscious human being for 30 years
00:28:52So if you don't know anything about your parents or you can't figure out something about your parents
00:28:56It's not true. You can't be around people for 30 years and not have any clue why they do something or don't do something
00:29:04Hey James
00:29:06Hey James
00:29:18All right, would you like a little help yes, yes, okay, so
00:29:25Let's go with a nice good Greek name George, right?
00:29:28Yep. So if George buys a dog a big dog, right?
00:29:33Now dogs need to be walked and need to be socialized, right?
00:29:38Because they're social animals that need their exercise, right?
00:29:43Yes, now if George buys a big dog
00:29:48Doesn't play with it and doesn't walk it
00:29:51Why would that happen? Why would George buy a big dog keep it inside never walk it and never play with it. I
00:29:59I would say that he's distracted by something else
00:30:10Okay
00:30:12But George voluntarily chose to be a dog owner
00:30:18He's lazy, okay, maybe he's lazy what else
00:30:25Maybe
00:30:28Maybe the choice was not so voluntary. Maybe she was
00:30:31No, no, no, no. No, he chose to be chose to be your parents chose to be parents, right?
00:30:36This is the analogy, right? So he chose to be a dog owner
00:30:41Okay
00:30:44Why would you not care for if he's lazy
00:30:46He wouldn't bother getting the dog in the first place
00:30:48Or if he found out that the dog was more work than he thought and he's lazy
00:30:52He just find someone to take in the day
00:30:54Take the dog to the shelter or take the gift the jog to talk to someone else or that's too much work, right?
00:30:59why would he keep the dog and
00:31:02Not walk the dog and not play with the dog. That's driving the dog slowly crazy
00:31:12Why would you do that? I don't know because he's a sadist a sadist Oh
00:31:18Nobody made him get the dog
00:31:21But he chose to get the dog and
00:31:23Then he chose to not do what the dog desperately needs in order to be happy
00:31:28He doesn't walk the dog. He doesn't play that but the dog and the dog desperately needs him, too
00:31:34So maybe he feels good
00:31:35Because he withholds what the dog desperately needs the dogs
00:31:38Desperately whining and trying to get at him and he enjoys that sense of power for not giving the dog what the dog needs
00:31:43I don't know. Yes, I
00:31:46I see it. Yes, I can see it with my father especially. All right, so tell me tell me if this analogy fits and how
00:31:54It does with my father. I'm not so sure with my mother, but it does with my father. I I can imagine my father
00:32:01Acting in sadistic ways on our daily lives, for example
00:32:05Let's say I'm in my room and I I'm listening to something at the computer
00:32:12He will he will not be he will be in his own room or in the living room
00:32:15He will not be able to hear it
00:32:17But if he steps in to my room, he will immediately demand that I lower the volume even though he's about to leave
00:32:22Maybe he's about to leave the house, but he still demands that I lower the volume
00:32:26Why would he do that? If not for control and sadism?
00:32:32Okay, so earlier you said that you and your sister love your parents yes
00:32:37Does that still seem like an uncontroversial statement to you
00:32:43That we love them or that they love us know that you love them
00:32:46Oh, you said also your parents loved you, but there's love floating around, right? Yes
00:32:54No, no, it does seem I would still say I love my parents I would die for them I would still say that
00:33:01Despite their flawed behaviors. I would still say that yes
00:33:04Okay, that's fine. So what do you love about your parents?
00:33:10Well, the truth is that no matter
00:33:14What happens no matter what happens in my life?
00:33:17I know not even if every friend were to turn on me. I know I would still have
00:33:23My parents and not just materially
00:33:27I know they would care for me even if they do not give me necessarily advice
00:33:32Even if they do not give me necessarily advice even if I'm not comfortable talking to them about things
00:33:38I still feel I they care for me. I I do think that yes
00:33:45Okay, so what is so the way how do we know whether someone cares for us right and I'm not disagreeing with you
00:33:51I just want to understand your thinking on this
00:33:53How do we know if someone cares about us?
00:33:56Well, anyone can say that right? But how do we know?
00:33:58If they do things without conditions
00:34:03Do they do that without conditions? Okay. Yes, they do not ask for anything in return
00:34:11They do things for you
00:34:14without
00:34:16Without any cause just for you
00:34:19Okay, so they do things that benefit you even if it's at their own expense, right?
00:34:23It's at their own expense, right
00:34:25Yes, okay
00:34:27So then why can't you talk to your parents about anything because it would benefit you
00:34:30Even if it makes them uncomfortable, it would benefit you to be able to talk honestly and openly
00:34:36About your thoughts and feelings with your parents
00:34:38But you don't do it because it makes them uncomfortable, but they should do it because they care about you
00:34:44And it's good for you
00:34:46Well
00:34:48Well, it makes me go uncomfortable for a third i'm sorry say again
00:34:53It makes me uncomfortable to know but it makes you uncomfortable because it makes them uncomfortable
00:34:59You're being sensitive to them
00:35:01Right because I assume that we're having a pretty open conversation and I think you're doing a fantastic job and i'm enjoying the conversation
00:35:08So you can do it, right?
00:35:10Yes, do you feel horrible talking to me about these things?
00:35:14Not at all, okay good. So so the discomfort you feel with your parents is their discomfort them signaling you
00:35:22Emotionally to shut up and stop talking
00:35:25Because it makes them uncomfortable
00:35:28Okay. I mean, is that wrong?
00:35:32Um
00:35:37I am I think that
00:35:39That perhaps what is going on is that
00:35:45Uh, I am uncomfortable talking about this to my parents because I am perhaps humiliating myself talking
00:35:54Talking about how I am lost and they will think
00:35:57Sorry, this is the effect
00:35:59right, so
00:36:00When you're 12 or 13
00:36:02And your father says okay son like you're getting interested in girls. Let's talk about it and so on right?
00:36:07let's figure it out let's you know, because
00:36:09the fundamental job
00:36:11of a father
00:36:13Is to make his son romantically attractive
00:36:16That's the base job
00:36:21Yes, because if you don't do that job the bloodline ends
00:36:28Yeah, the name ends
00:36:32It's all been for nothing thousands of generations billions of years all leading up to your father
00:36:40Making sure you're attractive to females. That's the whole job
00:36:46Yes, and he fucked it up completely
00:36:52She did yes and you say but he cares about you
00:36:57I'd like to know how you define that because it doesn't make any sense to me. That doesn't mean that i'm right
00:37:02I'm, just telling you I
00:37:04If if I said, okay, your one job
00:37:08Is to fix this motor
00:37:11Right and and every single time you break the motor even worse and I say but he's a good worker
00:37:19People could ask me. Okay. How are you defining good worker?
00:37:23Because he's got one job which is to fix the motor every time he touches it. He breaks it even worse
00:37:29So, how is he a good worker like it's okay to ask for these definitions, right?
00:37:33So if your father cares about you
00:37:38Then why are you talking to me?
00:37:43Because
00:37:45Because perhaps you will have some answers and you will most certainly have some answers that he will not have
00:37:51No, but you can't even have the conversation with him
00:37:57So he cares about you, but you can't communicate with him
00:38:01But you can't communicate with him the basic and most essential agony of your life, which is being without a date, right?
00:38:10So how
00:38:12Does he care about you if you can't talk to him about what you think and feel?
00:38:18And don't blame yourself because he defines the relationship
00:38:21I've been a parent for almost 16 years parents define the relationship
00:38:28It's on him it's not on you
00:38:30and
00:38:33If he feels uncomfortable about a conversation that is essential for your happiness and he shuts you down and won't respond
00:38:39Then sorry, he's just an asshole. He's not caring in that moment for sure
00:38:47Because he should prefer that which is better for you to that which is immediately
00:38:54Comfortable for him
00:38:57You
00:38:59But if he if he keeps rejecting you
00:39:03For for what makes him comfortable in the moment
00:39:06That's not love by your definition, right? Your definition was doing things for other people even at your own expense, right?
00:39:12And it would be beneficial to you
00:39:14To have this conversation with your father, but he just won't allow it and he never has
00:39:19That's not love. But again, i'm happy to hear another definition
00:39:27Of the let's think okay, what did
00:39:35What if he wanted to help me but he failed
00:39:40What did he want well, no, but then you would remember him trying to help you
00:39:46And you know, there was yeah, no the the the the prostitute thing is straight up sabotage
00:39:53He's saying you're so unattractive I have to pay a woman to sleep with you
00:39:57That is incredibly just that that's that's vile and and destructive and such sabotage
00:40:03My my tongue can scarcely encompass how terrible that is
00:40:09Yeah
00:40:11Well, son, all that's left is for me to pay
00:40:14Some broken abused woman to sleep with you
00:40:17I mean my god
00:40:20That was his first time as well with a prostitute, right he told her that yeah, okay
00:40:29So, how on earth did he get your mother to marry him did she know he'd slept with a prostitute to lose his virginity
00:40:38Uh, I don't know what she knows
00:40:41uh
00:40:42Sorry, could you please do me a favor stop playing with the microphone?
00:40:46Oh thumb thumb thumb, it's really annoying. Thank you. I'm so so sorry
00:40:51Uh, I know that
00:40:54I don't know what she knows about my father's past
00:40:58Uh, but they met at a party that's what I know, okay
00:41:04All right, but does she know that your father suggested that you lose your virginity to a prostitute
00:41:12No, I do not believe she does
00:41:15Well, but they must have talked talked about it. Like they must have talked about you know
00:41:19Parents talk a lot about their kids, right?
00:41:20So they must have talked about oh our son is not
00:41:23Able to find a date and I guess your father said let me try something and she'd say what or I she'd say
00:41:27I've got it or whatever, right?
00:41:32Well, this is not something my father would bring up to
00:41:35To my mother or to my sister or to the woman in the family in general. Okay. Got it. Got it
00:41:41All right
00:41:44And
00:41:45Sorry, I can't I and honestly i'll say this one more time. You just did the microphone thing again
00:41:51But i'm so sorry like what is going on
00:41:54i'm, not sure i'm
00:41:55I don't know. Maybe i'm passing the heads in the lead
00:41:59I will
00:42:00Okay
00:42:01I will try to stay completely still. I just need you to sit still and not play with the headset or the or the cords
00:42:06Yep
00:42:07Yeah, okay. Thank you
00:42:13So
00:42:16Do you think that your father didn't get instructed and that's why he didn't teach you
00:42:21Uh
00:42:22Possibly yes, uh, I do not know exactly my father's
00:42:26Childhood, but I do know he moved out at an early age
00:42:30Okay
00:42:31Now is it possible that your father learned something about wooing women after the prostitute but before he married your mother?
00:42:39Yeah, he must have right
00:42:42Yes, okay got it
00:42:45All right, so he learned something that he didn't pass along to you, right
00:42:52Uh, yes most likely uh, or he has told me about his childhood is that he moved
00:42:57He moved out of the the he was raised in a village in in the mountains in some island and he moved out
00:43:05Uh very early to he was working that day going to school at night, I do not know the details exactly
00:43:13uh
00:43:14But his social life he had friends. He was hanging out of the clubs as a young adult
00:43:20Those things. Oh, so he was going to clubs and he was meeting girls and chatting with girls and
00:43:24Picking up girls. I'm not saying just for sex or whatever, but he had that life, right?
00:43:29Yes. Yes, he did. Okay. Got it. Got it. Okay, so he knew how to talk to girls
00:43:35Yes, right not perfectly but you know, he knew okay, all right
00:43:40So your other question your question was how do we know
00:43:43Or how can we be sure that like maybe he tried to help you but fails, right?
00:43:48So first of all, this is not something you can fail at
00:43:51As a father like you can't fail at that because that's the whole job
00:43:55Right. So if you say well he tried
00:43:59But it didn't work
00:44:01It's like if you have a mysterious ailment
00:44:04Right. You you're a kid, right? You're sick with something and your father or your mother
00:44:10What they do is they take you to a walking clinic, right?
00:44:15So you've got some weird stomach thing right you just your stomach hurts or something right so
00:44:20They take you to a walking clinic
00:44:23And the people at the walking clinic the doctor usually kind of in a rush and usually just used to deal with sore throats and stuff
00:44:29Right. So the doctor then says I don't know what's wrong with him
00:44:35What should the parents do
00:44:39Go to another doctor or something. I don't know right
00:44:42Right, you go to another doctor you go to a specialist you get referrals. You don't just go once
00:44:48To the walking clinic and then say oh, well, I guess there's nothing we can do, right?
00:44:52Yeah
00:44:54so if your father
00:44:57Is unable to help you talk to girls, even though he can do it
00:45:01If your father is unable to help you talk to girls
00:45:04He tries and he fails then then what what does he do?
00:45:09She would try a therapist which she did
00:45:12I used to go to a therapist in middle school. Well, I don't know that he'd go straight to a therapist
00:45:18Oh, okay
00:45:19Right
00:45:20So if your father knows how to talk to girls, but for some reason he can't teach you how to do it
00:45:29Then what are his options
00:45:35What are his options he could
00:45:40Uh
00:45:43Perhaps he could try to introduce me to some new friends who were more social who maybe had girlfriends maybe through them
00:45:48I would meet someone learn how to flirt those things could be that I mean there could be a male friend or relative
00:45:56Who's better at talking to girls?
00:45:59Yeah, and he would get that person to help you
00:46:02Yeah, and he would get that person to help you
00:46:07Hmm I mean that would be the most likely scenario you didn't have to go straight to therapy
00:46:13Like oh well i've tried to teach this my kid how to talk to girls
00:46:17I haven't had any really luck. I haven't had any luck doing it
00:46:21So that's all right. I'll i'll get you know, my uncle
00:46:25Georg who's a real player. He'll he'll talk to him and he'll he'll teach you how to do it
00:46:32There's lots of perhaps
00:46:34yeah, I understand maybe those options were not available to him because
00:46:38uh when
00:46:40Maybe he was embarrassed to say this to his friends
00:46:43And his family. Okay. I mean i'm not sure how much time we want to waste here
00:46:47Because you just make you keep making these ridiculous excuses that it's an insult to both of us. Honestly
00:46:56I mean, come on
00:47:02That that maybe he was embarrassed what that doesn't mean anything
00:47:08Right, I mean let's say that that you as a kid had some problem with your penis, right? Yeah, right and and then
00:47:19You you you your father said well I never dealt with it because I was embarrassed to talk to the doctors
00:47:25Would that make any sense at all?
00:47:27You
00:47:31No, no, it wouldn't okay, so please I don't know what you're doing but these these are ridiculous these things that you're saying
00:47:39Oh, yeah, i'm sure about that, okay
00:47:44So why is it hard for you to criticize your father or so hard
00:47:53Well
00:47:55I'm not I don't have a problem necessarily with criticizing him. I
00:48:00I just I just cannot accept the idea that he'd not care about me
00:48:04Oh, no to me. No, it's it's worse than not caring
00:48:08It's sabotage
00:48:11Sabotage you think he was doing that? Well, okay. So there's this, uh, let me say this, right? Yeah
00:48:20So
00:48:22If I know my child
00:48:24Has a big test coming up that only I know about right only I know about this big test, right?
00:48:30And I don't tell my child about it
00:48:34And then my child has the test and fails I have sabotaged my child
00:48:41Yeah, right
00:48:42So if my child has a driver's test coming up and I don't tell my child about it and I don't help my child practice
00:48:47And I just drop my child off at the driver's test and my i've i've sabotaged my child, right?
00:48:54Yes
00:48:56So there is a big test called talking to girls
00:48:59And your father did not help you with it
00:49:02And this is the result
00:49:04Everybody knows the test called talking to girls is coming along
00:49:07It's coming up right every boy knows that because everyone who's alive has successfully found a way
00:49:11Their parents at least have successfully found a way to do that, right?
00:49:15Yeah, okay
00:49:17So your father knew there was a big test called talking to girls coming up
00:49:20He didn't help you didn't provide you any advice. Neither did your mother
00:49:24That's sabotage
00:49:28And then when it was apparent
00:49:33That you were not finding a way to pass this test on your own
00:49:35They still did nothing other than your father saying i'll pay a woman to sleep with you
00:49:42Yes, so that's sabotage
00:49:48Okay, I understand that this has been going on
00:49:52for 20 years
00:49:54The age of 13 you start getting interested in girls
00:49:56I'm, not saying you get a girlfriend at 13, but you start getting interested in girls around that age, right give or take. Yeah
00:50:01Yeah
00:50:02You're now 33
00:50:0323 23, sorry
00:50:05So it's been going on for so it's funny because I you said 23
00:50:09Originally, then I thought you said 33, you know 23. Okay, so this has been going on for 10 years, right?
00:50:14Okay, yes, so
00:50:16So
00:50:23It's still not a topic of conversation in your family
00:50:27Well, how can we help what can we do
00:50:30Right. Nobody talks about it, right? Yeah
00:50:34Which means they don't want to fix it
00:50:41They don't want to fix it
00:50:47You see it doesn't matter, you know, this is an old thing about it's politics, right the purpose of a system is what it actually does
00:50:56Right. So everyone says oh, but the purpose of the welfare state is to help the poor. It's like okay, but it doesn't
00:51:02Yet it continues and therefore the purpose of the welfare state is to destroy the family and buy votes from a dependent underclass
00:51:07Because that's what it does and that's what it reliably does, right?
00:51:10So, ah, well the purpose of the federal reserve is to stabilize the economy and it never does
00:51:16right, the purpose of the federal reserve is to
00:51:19Maneuver the giant levers of political power to get preferred candidates into office, right?
00:51:24So the purpose of the system is what it does
00:51:28And especially what it consistently does, right?
00:51:30Now your family has consistently for the last 10 years not helped you talk to girls
00:51:39Yeah, so the purpose of your family is you don't talk to girls
00:51:44I don't know why that is the purpose. Maybe it's sabotage. Maybe it's something else. I don't know
00:51:49But that's that's what's reliably happening right i'm repeatedly happening
00:51:53What about your extended family have grandparents aunts uncles cousins anyone has anyone sat you down and said
00:52:00What's going on here?
00:52:02No, no, no, nobody. Okay
00:52:05So then they don't care
00:52:08This is the biggest issue in your life and no one's talking to you about it
00:52:15I understand so then when you say there's all this love floating around it's a little incomprehensible, right?
00:52:23Yes
00:52:29So
00:52:31What should I do about this now because
00:52:35Okay, yeah, this is just the next step what do I do about this
00:52:39Yes
00:52:41But you've listened to these call-in shows before right yes many times so, you know, this is what everyone does right
00:52:50Yes, I try to give a big insight or a connection people don't process it at all emotionally what do they do
00:53:01They're gonna be in denial at first and then oh they just go straight into well, how do I solve it?
00:53:05Give me a list. What do I do? Right? Oh now what's the one thing?
00:53:09That's a constant rule in these call-ins
00:53:14What do I always say I don't do with people
00:53:17You don't tell them what to do. I don't tell them what to do. So what's the first thing you're asking me?
00:53:22What to do yeah, yeah, I understand the problem. Yeah, right
00:53:29And it means that you want to jump over the emotional processing and go into some kind of action
00:53:35Which is impossible to define without the emotional processing
00:53:40Mm-hmm
00:53:45Okay, this is still a little difficult for me to accept the fact that they did just didn't care
00:53:57I can maybe understand with my father
00:54:01Oh your mother's like the parent who gets away right like oh my father maybe but not my my saint of a mother right
00:54:07My angel of a mother never could she do anything this this negative, right?
00:54:15Yeah, yeah, but your mother knows you don't talk to girls right yes and has she talked to you about it
00:54:24Uh, no, not exactly she did try to arrange to meet to introduce me to a woman once
00:54:32Okay, how long ago was that
00:54:35Uh this year earlier this year
00:54:37Okay, so earlier this year, she doesn't know why you haven't talked to girls for 10 years
00:54:42But she just says well, the problem is he just hasn't met a girl. So i'll just introduce him to a girl
00:54:48Yes, pretty much yeah, all right
00:54:51So then she's saying you don't have a problem you just need to be fixed up with someone to be hooked up with someone
00:54:59Yeah, and this is again this is an opinion shared by many in my circle
00:55:03They say there's nothing wrong with you. You just haven't met anyone yet
00:55:07Right, okay. Now, how do they know there's nothing wrong with you?
00:55:14Well, they see someone who is of course intelligent good-looking decently articulate perhaps depending on the language
00:55:23but
00:55:25Yeah, they say this and they see someone who is not missing anything. There's nothing missing from me. I'm not ugly. I'm not
00:55:32Stupid I don't i'm not lost completely in life. I have a I have a plan, right?
00:55:40So they see this and they see and this is the question i'm asking myself what is wrong what is missing
00:55:49Okay, so they just look at some external markers that are unrelated to you not talking to girls and say there's nothing wrong with you
00:55:56Yes
00:55:58Right, so if I have a big tumor growing out of my neck and my doctor looks at my leg
00:56:01He says well the leg's perfectly healthy. There's nothing wrong with you
00:56:06Okay
00:56:09Being good-looking doesn't mean that you can automatically talk to girls being intelligent being articulate
00:56:14Having a good job. It just doesn't mean that you automatically can talk to girls, right?
00:56:19Yeah
00:56:21Yes, right do you want a girlfriend
00:56:26Absolutely, yes, why?
00:56:31Because
00:56:38Because sometimes I miss the the female company somebody I can open up with somebody who will understand me
00:56:45Somebody so I won't feel alone so often those things perhaps. I understand those things can be given from other sources
00:56:52So that's love, right?
00:56:55Yes, okay, so then how does the word love
00:56:58Describe opening up to and connecting with people being honest and not being isolated
00:57:02With whatever the hell is going on with your family of origin
00:57:06Which is the exact opposite
00:57:11Can you ask that again
00:57:13So you say that I want a girlfriend because I want to open up to people and connect with the
00:57:17Girl and and have comfort and and and not be isolated and share my thoughts and feelings, right?
00:57:23Yes
00:57:24But that's the opposite of what's happening with your family
00:57:27With your family, you can't talk about anything
00:57:31Of importance, right? You can't share your thoughts. You can't share your feelings. You can't be honest. You can't be open that way, right?
00:57:38Yeah, I know
00:57:39So how can you say?
00:57:41That your family is love and the opposite of your family is love
00:57:46being open
00:57:47And expressing yourself is love and being closed off and not saying anything of importance is also love
00:57:54Like bro, these are opposites
00:57:57Yeah, I understand the contradiction. Yeah, I see it and you know that that's at the root of it, right
00:58:06Okay, so let's play this out give me the name of a girl you once liked
00:58:13Anna right
00:58:16Okay, so let's say that you start hanging out with Anna you go for coffee
00:58:21you like each other and Anna is very warm and expressive and emotional and
00:58:26Shares her thoughts and feelings and expects you to do the same, right?
00:58:30Yes, okay
00:58:32so then Anna
00:58:35Gets close to you and she says, you know, let's meet your family
00:58:40Right
00:58:43Right
00:58:44Now Anna has been raised in a family where people talk about their feelings and connect and share concerns and all this, right?
00:58:53Yes, okay, then Anna
00:58:56Comes to your family and what does she see with you interacting with your family?
00:59:04Small talk nothing really
00:59:07Too relevant of a conversation. Yeah
00:59:10you
00:59:13And also you say to Anna, uh, yes my father wanted to buy me a prostitute on my 18th birthday
00:59:23And then
00:59:24Your is Anna being an open communicative person who doesn't like to hide things and doesn't like to be censored or silenced
00:59:32says around the dinner table
00:59:34so
00:59:37You wanted to buy a prostitute for my boyfriend's 18th birthday, can you help me understand that because the troubles me
00:59:49Yeah, so what happens
00:59:55I don't think we get defensive about it. I think
00:59:57Then
01:00:01My father would probably say that it was his time to do his thing so
01:00:08Yeah, that's right. I don't know what you said there. Your father said he started to do his thing. I don't know what that means
01:00:12Oh, oh, sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Yeah, my father's best defense I can imagine would be it was time. He stopped being a virgin
01:00:23That's the best I can imagine okay, so then she would say so
01:00:27Your son was 18 and hadn't talked to girls and your solution as a family was to buy him a prostitute
01:00:36And you still think that that was a good idea
01:00:43Yeah, not to figure out why he couldn't talk to girls not to figure out if there was any problems in the family not to
01:00:48figure out
01:00:50Why he'd miss this boat or understand anything but just buy him a prostitute
01:00:56You
01:00:58Who could have diseases who could be a you know crazy any number of things right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah
01:01:04Yeah, so is it my understanding that this is not something that happened?
01:01:08Five years ago and you're like, well, that was a bad idea, but I was desperate
01:01:12But it's something that you still think is a good idea
01:01:16In other words if I have a son with your son, right and you're then the grandfather if my son
01:01:22Hasn't lost his virginity by his 18th birthday, you will then offer to buy him a prostitute
01:01:32Because that's the right thing to do and that's a sensible way to approach the problem
01:01:42At this point I I can assure you my father would have checked out of the conversation
01:01:47no, but then she'd
01:01:48Should snap her fingers and say no. No, no, wait
01:01:51I like your son. I really do. I really like your son. We might have a future together, which means i'm joining this family, right?
01:01:57Now I mean
01:01:59I will expect you
01:02:00To review or the vet, right?
01:02:03I I would expect you to vet my family. I would expect you to make sure
01:02:07that
01:02:09Your son is not marrying into a bunch of crazy people, of course, right?
01:02:13Because our families will join together
01:02:16Yes, and if my father or my mother have done something that is troubling to you I would expect you to have a conversation about it
01:02:24And so what i'm doing is is an expression of my interest in your son
01:02:30So you should it's a compliment right it's a compliment if I didn't care about him I wouldn't be asking these questions, but I do
01:02:38So, you know, I I would appreciate an answer because if we are going to join our families together
01:02:45I need to know what your values are
01:02:47What you stand for?
01:02:51Right, I mean you you agree with that right? I mean she would say to your family, right?
01:02:55Yeah
01:02:56I mean if you were some kind of you know, crazy cult leaders
01:03:02Uh, we would need to know that right
01:03:05And and you can ask me anything obviously this is a two-way street i'm not trying to bully anyone here
01:03:09You can ask me anything you want
01:03:12But I kind of need to know these things you would agree with that, right
01:03:18And I think you can also understand
01:03:20That for people whose families don't have a habit of buying prostitutes for their children when they turn 18
01:03:26That from the outside like not from what you're used to or you know, whatever right?
01:03:29But from the outside, I think you could understand that this might be considered a bit unusual, right?
01:03:35Yeah
01:03:37And so I just
01:03:39Want to want to know what what your thoughts are now if it was a bad idea we can talk about that
01:03:43But if you still think it's a good idea
01:03:45Then there may not be a great deal of compatibility between our families
01:03:50Because I don't lie to my family, right?
01:03:51So once I know like your son tells me this about your family
01:03:54I'm not going to lie to my family and hide it and i'm going to say well I like this guy
01:03:58I have some questions about the family, right? They seem to do a lot of small talk
01:04:02They didn't help him in terms of his loneliness and isolation and lack of romantic success as a teenager
01:04:07And his father wanted to buy him a prostitute when he turned 18
01:04:13Now if her family is a quality decent good family what are they going to think of all of this
01:04:21They are going to think negatively of it of this of my family I suppose
01:04:27And what
01:04:30Will they advise their daughter to do against being with me or at least
01:04:37Keep keep a certain distance from my family even if she stays with me
01:04:41No, but you can't come on man. You're from greece
01:04:45You think families can keep a distance from each other?
01:04:49Don't try that with me my wife's greek
01:04:54Nice try you
01:04:57Okay, so she so if if this was my daughter I would say okay
01:05:01Well, that's very disturbing and you should really have an honest conversation and maybe i'll do that as well
01:05:05But we should have really have because we need to figure out
01:05:07Was this just a one-time very odd mistake that's been disavowed or is this something they still think is good?
01:05:12Because here's the thing, right?
01:05:13I would say to my daughter i'd say look you're gonna you're an attractive young woman. You can have your pick of guys
01:05:19Now in my view, it's important to pick a guy with a good family. Yeah
01:05:25Because
01:05:26There's genes in there. There's culture. There's history and but most importantly really it's it becomes a lot more fun
01:05:34To be a mother when you have grandparents around
01:05:36Because the grandparents can give you knowledge and they can give you wisdom and they can give you help. Yes, right
01:05:43Because raising a kid
01:05:44Is a very big task and it's kind of scary and if you have people around who are experienced whose values match yours
01:05:53Then you can be very comfortable and happy having the grandparents around
01:05:59But if the family's values don't match
01:06:02And if they are like don't talk to your kids let them figure it all out
01:06:06Don't parent them and then with the inevitable results of your bad parenting show up buy them a whore
01:06:11Yeah
01:06:13Well, that's not going to be good to have around your children, right? Yeah
01:06:20Yeah, you're right so, you know, he seems like a nice guy and you know, but but
01:06:25You're marrying into a family
01:06:27And if the family's values don't match your values
01:06:31then
01:06:32You're going to have a very difficult time as a mother because the grandparents are going to want to come over a lot
01:06:38And they're going to be saying to the kids things that you completely disagree with
01:06:43They're going to have a whole approach to relationships and parenting that is the exact opposite of yours
01:06:47And it's going to cause a lot of problems
01:06:52Yeah
01:06:57So is it still a mystery why you're not dating
01:07:01Okay, let me talk you don't want a girl who accepts your family
01:07:08But you can't get a girl
01:07:11Who would have any issues with your family because you still want to defend your family and love and
01:07:16No problems, and they're great and I would die for them. It's like okay. Well
01:07:21Well, then you have to date a girl who's comfortable
01:07:25With your family
01:07:27But you don't want a girl who's comfortable with your family because that means they're kind of messed up
01:07:32So you're in an impossible situation, so you might as well fire up the instagram and grab the vaseline
01:07:40No, seriously, I mean isn't what what else could you do well
01:07:45uh in the moment right now after this what i'm thinking about is I would
01:07:49Try and start to improve my relationship with my family
01:07:53and
01:07:55Okay, no
01:07:57Okay. Yeah, i'm always a big fan of even if it doesn't go well, I mean
01:08:01You've had 20 years to try but maybe 21 will do it. I will do better on my end
01:08:08Okay now you still can't undo the fact that your father
01:08:11Wanted to buy you a whore when you turned 18. I cannot undo that
01:08:15Yeah, like that's a fact right and so
01:08:17You know we need to and and also you can't undo the fact that they barely parented you
01:08:22In terms of giving you values and helping you and raising you and so on right? None of this can be undone
01:08:27Because you're an adult now you've been an adult for half a decade
01:08:32Right
01:08:34So you can say I want to improve things
01:08:38But you're trying to improve your relationship with your parents when their parenting job
01:08:44Is long done. It's like giving a performance review to an employee you fired five years ago
01:08:51And saying well, you know I did fire you five years ago, but I really want to improve our working relationship and it's like
01:08:56What I don't work for you anymore
01:08:58Why are you calling me? What are you doing?
01:09:01Like the job of parenting ended five years ago for the most part. Yes right now
01:09:05There's still some material support, of course, because i'm still a student. But yeah, yeah. Yeah, I understand what you mean
01:09:12Oh, so they're giving you some money yeah, I still live with them
01:09:17You still live with them and they're giving you some money
01:09:21Okay, well, um, you might want to wait until after school is done when are you done school in three years
01:09:27Three years, uh, yeah
01:09:30I've done some things in the past. Yeah, so
01:09:33Two years I was a civil engineering. I decided to
01:09:37switch
01:09:38a major
01:09:40And I went to military school. I dropped out
01:09:45So then right now i'm at my third option, which is uh production and management engineering in my hometown
01:09:52and
01:09:55And i've also done my military service for a year so three years were wasted
01:10:03Well, didn't you have to do your military services that yeah
01:10:07That was not a waste technically speaking. Yeah, but i'm three years. Yeah three years behind my peers basically
01:10:15Well, no because your peers had to do military service they most most of them do it after school
01:10:20Um
01:10:22Okay, got it
01:10:24Got it
01:10:26Yeah, I mean you might want to I mean if you really need your parents support and income
01:10:30At the moment, then it might not be the best time to try and radically rewrite the relationship. Yeah, I understand that
01:10:36But but if you understand
01:10:38That you've been listening to philosophy for a long time
01:10:41And that has a big effect on your heart your mind and your soul
01:10:46And
01:10:48There's this desert you have to cross to get out of the bad and into the good right
01:10:52Nobody wants to cross the desert. I understand that
01:10:55and the desert is
01:10:57I can't achieve the good yet
01:11:01But I don't want the bad
01:11:09And
01:11:09Who are you going to date?
01:11:10Are you going to date someone who thinks your parents are great and agrees with you on how loving and kind of wonderful?
01:11:15They are
01:11:16Well, it means that they can't see some particular problems, which is alarming
01:11:22On the other hand if you try to date somebody who's happy moral confident and honest
01:11:29Then they're gonna say
01:11:31No something wrong with your family, man
01:11:33Yeah
01:11:35And I would tell you that
01:11:37So you can't you can't you can't get the girl you want
01:11:41Because you're still wedded to the family
01:11:43Who didn't help you? Yes
01:11:46And that's I mean that's the price right? So I just don't want you to feel like it's a mystery. Yeah
01:11:52Yeah, sure kid if you choose to stay if you choose to love
01:11:57a dysfunctional family
01:11:58You can't get a quality woman
01:12:00Because she's going to see that and she's going to say well, no, that's not what I want
01:12:04Yeah
01:12:06I don't want a trauma bonded stockholm syndrome person who's going to have people I really disagree with around my kids
01:12:12So
01:12:15I'm not telling you what to do or not to do. I just want to take the weirdness out of it for you
01:12:20Just so like yeah, this yeah, it does
01:12:25Uh, I
01:12:26Good
01:12:27I'm thinking now. Uh, yeah
01:12:29I will tell you that in the simulations I run in my mind of where I have a girlfriend and she does meet my family
01:12:34She she never gets along with my parents
01:12:39Well, if she does get along with your parents
01:12:43Then you have a future just like your childhood
01:12:46Which you probably don't want
01:12:51And if she doesn't get along with your parents then you go through a bit of a crisis
01:12:56Right because you want the girl and she's judging your parents and this causes a short circuit right that you can't process
01:13:05So, I mean, I don't know you could say this but there's nothing wrong with you
01:13:08But that's what I mean when you said well, it's insecurity it's like but I don't I mean
01:13:13Generally, we don't achieve things because they're impossible to which like they're impossible, right?
01:13:17We don't do it. Why would you try it? Why I wouldn't try for something that's impossible
01:13:21I'm not going to work out how to jump to the top of a tall tree unaided because I can't it's impossible
01:13:26So if if dating is impossible for you, then you don't date I wouldn't
01:13:33Yeah
01:13:39You
01:13:43I'm trying to process all of this right now. Yeah, so
01:13:47Yeah, yeah, no, let's I mean that that's I think that's most of what I wanted to get across
01:13:50Is there anything you wanted to mention at the end here?
01:13:54Worth noting my sister is fine in her dating life. She does not have these problems
01:14:01Well, no, she's a year younger than me she's in a relationship
01:14:05multiple relationship
01:14:09You
01:14:11That's a good question excellent and what to her boyfriend your family
01:14:17Maybe I should ask that later, but i'm not sure i'm not sure what answer they would give
01:14:25Yeah
01:14:28Yes, well they've met your parents, right
01:14:33They've met you right? Yeah
01:14:35They're still dating her, right?
01:14:38So they got no problem. Yeah, I suppose so
01:14:41So they're fine with your family
01:14:44Yeah
01:14:47Now that doesn't mean she has no problems able to communicate better with my parents
01:14:52Especially my mother about she was always
01:14:57Able to talk more freely about her feelings, uh, that was never the case with me
01:15:01Yeah
01:15:07Yeah
01:15:10Well, it's the parent's job to make the child comfortable it's not your job to be comfortable
01:15:14It's the parent's job to make the child comfortable
01:15:17Yeah, I know if you still are uncomfortable talking about things with your parents that's still on them
01:15:25Uh, no, that was it I think i'm good with this and I will all right
01:15:29Dimension process this and learn from it
01:15:39Thank you and listen I I sympathize I really do and learn I appreciate the call you did a fantastic job