Frasier Season 5 Episode 13 The Maris Counsel Or
Frasier Season 5 Episode 13 The Maris Counsel Or
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00:00Morning, Ross.
00:02Hey, Fraser, your brother called. He said he'll be over around 7 tonight.
00:06Oh, thanks.
00:08So, you seem awfully calm today.
00:10Yeah, well, why shouldn't I be?
00:12Well, during ratings week, you're usually rather anxious.
00:14Oh, my God, that starts today?
00:16Oh, I never should have mentioned it.
00:18Ten seconds.
00:19Ross, Ross, you do this every year.
00:21You convince yourself we'll have a disastrous week with no good callers,
00:24but our listeners always come through in the end, don't they?
00:27You're on.
00:29Hello, Seattle.
00:31This is Dr. Fraser Crane.
00:33You know, I was reminded this morning of a jaunty aphorism
00:37that's credited to the great thinker Spinoza.
00:40Oh, God.
00:42Fraser Crane Show, what's your problem?
00:45Hi. Well, I'm kind of indecisive.
00:50Well, I'm not. Fraser Crane Show, what's your problem?
00:53Yeah, I'm thinking of changing careers.
00:55I feel kind of trapped.
00:57Well, it's not a very exciting problem, but I'll see if I can get you on.
01:00Hold, please. Fraser Crane Show, what's your problem?
01:03It's sort of embarrassing.
01:05Amen.
01:07I was a bedwetter as a child, and I think the problem's coming back.
01:13Great. Hold, please.
01:15Hey, career change? I got bedwetter holding.
01:18When you say trapped, is it possible that it's because you're a woman trapped inside a man's body?
01:23I don't think so.
01:25I don't think I can get you on today, then.
01:27Gee, I really wanted to talk to him. I guess that could be part of it.
01:32Good answer. Hold, please.
01:34Hey, bedwetter, I got a transsexual in crisis. You got to beat that.
01:38Have you ever wet a bed with anybody else in it?
01:40A hooker, a stripper, maybe your best friend's wife?
01:42No.
01:44Do you want to talk to the doc or not?
01:46Okay. I guess the third one.
01:50Hold, please.
01:52Hey, transsexual.
01:54Is that me?
01:55Yeah.
01:58Have you ever run for political office or considered running for political office?
02:02What? You mean like congressman or something?
02:04Perfect.
02:06Don't get me started on rationalistic pantheism, or they'll go the whole three hours.
02:13Well, anyway, I think it's time we went to the phones.
02:17Roz, whom do we have?
02:19On line one, we have a bedwetting adulterer.
02:22Unless you'd rather speak to Roger on line two, who's a transsexual running for congress.
02:31Go ahead, Roger. I'm listening.
02:42Would you just explain to me, why are you chickened out like that?
02:46She's younger than I am.
02:48She only dates doctors and lawyers. She wouldn't be interested in me.
02:52I wouldn't be interested.
02:54Oh, jeez.
02:57A certain someone had the chance to ask a certain someone else from the building on a date.
03:02Ah, that would be Mrs. Crowley.
03:05Oh, jeez.
03:07I'm bailed out again.
03:09Yes, well, now, Daphne, don't be too hard on her.
03:11The train men have not enjoyed a great deal of success in the romance department lately.
03:15We're all a bit gun shy.
03:17Oh, yes. Gun shy, sensitive, picky. You're all full of excuses.
03:23You know, sometimes I wonder if I'll ever get any of you married off and out of this house.
03:31Hello?
03:33Why, Mrs. Crowley, we were just talking about you.
03:38Yes, he's here. Hold on.
03:49Hi.
03:51Really?
03:53No, I'm not busy. Dinner sounds like fun.
03:57A certain someone is inviting a certain someone else to dinner.
04:03Oh, yes. Where would the world be without you Brits and your knack for code-cracking?
04:13Oh, yes, sure, I'd love to. Thanks. And thanks for asking me.
04:18Bye.
04:20She's inviting me to her place tomorrow night.
04:23Oh, I guess my little hard-to-get plan really paid off.
04:29Yes, you should really write a book. How to get a date in two easy years.
04:37Oh, hello, Niles.
04:38Frazier.
04:39Hey, Niles.
04:40Dad. Hey, Daphne.
04:41What you got there?
04:42Oh, just some patient files. Frazier's helping me with my couples group tomorrow.
04:47Your father's starting his own couples group tomorrow night.
04:50Oh, Mrs. Crowley.
04:51Oh, gee.
04:54Oh, that's ironic, isn't it? Dad's doing better in that department than either of us.
04:59Not true, not true. That's really what I wanted to tell you.
05:02Maris and I are back on the expressway to love.
05:06Well, not the expressway, at least the on-ramp.
05:12And I owe it all to the best psychiatrist I have ever known.
05:16Oh, that's very flattering, Niles.
05:17Dr. Bernard Shankman is our new marriage counselor, and he is nothing short of a wizard.
05:23And Maris is as thrilled with him as I am.
05:25It's as if he's discovered the magic elixir to repair the shattered fragments of her psyche.
05:32I don't know exactly what to call it.
05:34The words crazy glue leap to mind.
05:40Dr. Shankman has helped me enormously, too.
05:43He immediately pinpointed my primary failing.
05:46Which is?
05:47Well, I'm too predictable.
05:49I don't know if I count that as a failing, exactly.
05:52Well, I do, and more important, so does Maris.
05:55But I'm going to do something about it.
05:57In half an hour, I'm going to show Maris spontaneity beyond her wildest dreams.
06:01In half an hour? I thought we were going to prepare for your workshop.
06:04I'm sorry, you'll have to look over the files yourself.
06:06You see, every Friday evening, Maris spends an hour meditating in her spirituality gardens.
06:11Invariably, she comes inside rendy as a stoat.
06:17Well, tonight, she's going to find me waiting in her bed as rendy as another stoat.
06:30Gee, Niles, I wonder if that's a good idea.
06:33Frasier, I know you mean well, and I love you and respect you.
06:38So please don't take offense when I point out that with your track record in relationships,
06:42you're about the last person who should be giving advice.
06:45Fair enough.
06:46Oh, and do look over the files. Those couples really need our help.
07:45Oh.
08:15Hello, Maris.
08:45Ah.
09:08Let's go through it.
09:15Come on.
09:46Maris?
10:10Maris?
10:11Maris!
10:15Ah!
10:20Dr. Shinkman!
10:21Niles!
10:22Dr. Shinkman, what the hell's going on?
10:24Well, it's not what it looks like.
10:29What am I saying?
10:33Bear with me. I'm sorry. I'm feeling a little stressed.
10:38You're feeling stressed?
10:40Put yourself in my place.
10:42I very nearly did.
10:46I'm stunned. How long has this been going on?
10:52Two weeks. Maris and I were waiting to tell you when I felt that you were ready.
10:59That's despicable. It's unethical.
11:03Are those my pajamas?
11:06Could be. They bind a little in the crotch.
11:11Listen. Whatever anger you're feeling can't begin to approach my guilt.
11:19Don't bet on it.
11:20Ah, good. That's good. Vent that rage. You have every right to.
11:25You're sleeping with my wife and you're giving me permission to be angry?
11:28Furious.
11:29Uh-huh.
11:30Livid.
11:31Ah.
11:32Yes. You're dealing with it very well, by the way.
11:34Oh, I don't suppose you care.
11:36No! You realize you could lose your license for having an affair with a patient?
11:40Yes, and I deserve to, but it was a risk worth taking because of love.
11:47Oh. Oh.
11:53I love her, Niles.
11:56I've never known a woman so warm, so nurturing, so unselfish.
12:05Oh.
12:10Is it possible this is all a case of mistaken identity?
12:15Thanks to our sessions, Maris has been unafraid to show me the real woman inside.
12:23Damn you! I trusted you because you were supposed to be helping us.
12:28And I liked you, too, you bastard.
12:31You betrayed my confidence and my friendship and you seduced my wife.
12:35Wow. There's a lot of new issues here, aren't there?
12:42Think maybe we should kick it up to three sessions a week?
12:53You are 20 minutes late.
12:55Sorry.
12:56Sorry?
12:58This is your group.
12:59I've been making small talk with these people for the last 20 minutes.
13:02Do you know what small talk is like for people who have a problem communicating?
13:05It's tiny talk.
13:09Frazier, I just have a lot on my mind right now which I don't care to discuss, so let's just begin.
13:14And you know what? Maybe you should take the lead.
13:17Okay.
13:18Very well.
13:21Evening, Wool.
13:23Sorry I'm late. My fault.
13:25Well, if I know these people, they won't hold a grudge.
13:29I feel as though I do know a great deal about this group.
13:33It's been a good deal of time poring over your case histories.
13:40So, let's begin.
13:44Mrs. Budinger, I see that you're here alone.
13:48Yes.
13:49Is there some reason why Dan couldn't join you?
13:52No, he's just stubborn sometimes.
13:56He says he doesn't trust psychiatrists.
14:00Yeah, well...
14:10Maybe he's got good reason not to.
14:12Excuse me?
14:14Oh, I think I see what your brother's doing here.
14:17Sometimes we role play, and I think he's just saying what my husband might say.
14:23Sounds promising. Why don't we proceed, Janice?
14:26How would you respond to what your husband has just said?
14:31Well, okay.
14:34You know, Dan, I don't think that it's psychiatrists that you mistrust. I think it's me.
14:42Why are you so suspicious lately?
14:45Oh, I think you know very well.
14:55A couple of harmless flirtations at parties. Everyone does that.
15:00Did you ever stop to consider how those flirtations might make me feel?
15:05He's empathizing with the husband we call his empathizer.
15:10Well, what about you? Are you going to tell me you've never even looked at anyone else?
15:15Don't you dare bring her into this!
15:21She is clean and pure and decent.
15:24Sometimes empathizing involves a bit of dramatic license.
15:29At least I've always been faithful to you.
15:32I've always been faithful to you.
15:34I wanted to believe that more than anything in the world, but now...
15:39Now...
15:42I don't see how I possibly can.
15:47Don't you know my brother's one of the greatest empathizers of the business?
15:51No! I just want to die!
15:55Sorry.
15:59You know, perhaps now would be a good time to take our 15-minute break.
16:03Why don't we all please?
16:05We've made quite a catharsis here.
16:08Now, traditionally, it is the patients who make the breakthroughs, but we mustn't be sticklers.
16:15Thank you very much. All right, Janice.
16:17Dan and I have never cheated on each other.
16:20You've got to believe me.
16:22I do, I do, Janice. And please remember, no one is here to judge anyone else's behavior.
16:28What the hell are you doing, you lunatic?
16:32Maris is having an affair with Shankman.
16:37Shankman?
16:41What a contemptible bastard.
16:43He was waiting at the house floor when I got there.
16:47I'm so sorry, Maris.
16:50Is there anything I can do?
16:52I don't see how. They're in love. They plan to get married.
16:56He told you that?
16:58Mm-hmm. And she confirmed it when she walked in.
17:03Once she'd stopped shrieking, we'd coaxed her down off the canopy.
17:10I'm just shocked.
17:14Things seem to be going so well with the two of you.
17:17That's what I thought.
17:22You know,
17:26maybe Maris's feelings for Dr. Shankman aren't real.
17:30Maybe this is simply a case of transference.
17:34Well, patients often do believe that they've fallen in love with their analyst.
17:38It's very common. It's happened to everyone.
17:40I know. It's happened to me.
17:42Oh, get out of town.
17:45Several times.
17:47Well, I bet that's exactly what's going on here.
17:49I've never had a patient fall in love with me.
17:51Shankman's an authority figure. Maris is easily influenced.
17:55Not even that fat lady who brought me fudge.
17:58I'd be a fool to let her go if it's as simple as that.
18:01No, Niles, you're not thinking clearly. You're just grasping at straws.
18:05No, no, you're wrong. I owe it to my marriage to give this one more shot.
18:08How? What more could you possibly do?
18:11I can just talk to her alone.
18:13Try to make her understand what kind of a mistake she's making.
18:16Niles, just bear one thing in mind.
18:18Sometimes a marriage is just bad, doomed, and no amount of discussion will save it.
18:29Well,
18:31shall we resume?
18:33Oh, no, Daphne, that's all right. You have fun.
18:36I'll be fine, yeah.
18:38We'll see you tomorrow. Okay.
18:40Oh, no, Dad, no, he's not even back from his big date yet.
18:44Maybe I'll see him in the morning, too.
18:47All right.
18:49Right.
18:51Yes, yes.
18:53It is a very romantic story, yes, yes.
18:56I'll see you tomorrow.
18:58Yes, yes.
19:00It is a very romantic story, yes, yes.
19:03Okay, Daphne.
19:05Yes.
19:07Yes, they do make a very cute couple.
19:10Anyway.
19:12Right.
19:14Right, Daphne, yes.
19:16Yes, I suppose they do all in all to you, don't they?
19:20Oh, well, there's the door.
19:22Okay, bye.
19:29Niles.
19:31I thought you were talking with Maris.
19:34It's over.
19:36Leonard, Maris, Shankman, they deserve each other.
19:39Oh, I'm sorry, Niles.
19:42What happened?
19:44Well,
19:46I reached the front gate,
19:48and I was just about to ring the doorbell
19:50to ask her to let me in
19:52when it suddenly dawned on me
19:54how many hours I have spent pleading with that woman
19:58through gates, through windows,
20:01through keyholes and through transoms
20:04and, in one disastrous instance, through the pet door.
20:10Yes, I remember dabbing back teeth on those chihuahua bites.
20:16Well, I decided no more.
20:19I actually looked up at the house and said,
20:22Goodbye, Maris.
20:25I hope you have a happy life,
20:28but I don't have to take any more of your crap ever again,
20:32and I turned on my heel and walked away.
20:36That's a courageous decision.
20:40How do you feel?
20:42Not bad, surprisingly.
20:45I'm glad I went over. I needed the closure.
20:49Now that it's over, I feel a little sad, of course,
20:52but also strangely liberated.
20:59I'm very proud of you.
21:08Oh, Dad.
21:10You're back.
21:12How did things go with Mrs. Crowley?
21:15Oh, great. Fabulous.
21:18Right up to the time she introduced me to my date.
21:23I thought she was your date.
21:25So did I.
21:26Turns out my date was her mother.
21:31Eighty-six years young.
21:33I guess there was a little miscommunication when she invited me.
21:38Gee, I'm almost afraid to ask this.
21:41How was Mom?
21:44She was very nice.
21:47Sleepy.
21:51But she smiled a lot,
21:53showed me pictures of her great-grandchildren.
21:56Couldn't remember any of their names,
21:58but what the hell, she couldn't remember mine either.
22:01Well, I think we could all use a little something from the bar.
22:05Well, I could use a big something.
22:08Hasn't been a good day all around.
22:11Yeah, Dad.
22:13Maris and I have split up for good.
22:16Oh, I'm sorry.
22:19Yeah, she's in love with someone else.
22:21Oh, Niles. You all right?
22:24I will be.
22:26Well, this may come as small consolation to you,
22:31but I believe
22:35that you each have a lot of work to do
22:38to catch up to me in the failed romance department.
22:43Divorced twice.
22:46Left at the altar once.
22:59Well, I haven't exactly been burning things up lately.
23:04Thank you, Dad.
23:06Things with Sherry fizzled.
23:09Sleeping beauty tonight.
23:14I think maybe I deserve the booby prize.
23:22I'll challenge you.
23:26Fifteen years with Maris, I end up in bed with her lover.
23:37Geez, I didn't mean to hear that.
23:41Oh, no, no. It was an accident.
23:44It was pitch dark. I thought he was Maris.
23:47It's a natural mistake.
23:50What taped you off?
23:52The heat from her side of the bed.
23:56Well...
23:58I think we have a three-way tie.
24:01Here's to the Crane boys.
24:04Love's big losers.
24:11You know, I said I needed closure.
24:14I won't have it until I do one more thing.
24:18You know, I said I needed closure.
24:21I said I needed closure.
24:23I won't have it until I do one more thing.
24:26Oh, now be careful, Niles, from this height.
24:28That could hurt somebody.
24:30All clear.
24:34Goodbye, Maris.
24:36You've hurt me for the last time.
24:39Uh, Niles, is that your Mercedes parked down there?
24:44Look!
24:46Oh, well.
24:48Good body shop will be able to pound that out.
24:56Well, it's Saturday night.
25:00Here we are.
25:03Again.
25:06Wonder how many women are out there tonight without a date.
25:10Thousands.
25:12Thousands of opportunities for us to humiliate ourselves.
25:18Oh, come and get us, Seattle!
25:21Three cranes, no waiting!
25:24We're desperate!
25:26We're ludicrous!
25:28We're pathetic!
25:43Hey, baby, I hear the blues are calling
25:47Tossed salads and scrambled eggs
25:51Oh, my
25:53And maybe I seem a bit confused
25:56Well, maybe
25:58But I got you pegged
26:00Ha, ha, ha, ha
26:03But I don't know what to do
26:05With those tossed salads and scrambled eggs
26:09Those tossed salads and scrambled eggs
26:14They're calling again
26:17Goodnight!