Gogglebox NZ S1E06 (2024)
Gogglebox NZ S1E06 (2024)
Category
📺
TVTranscript
00:00So this ear, one ear is softer than the other, but this one, I can fold it and just tuck it in there.
00:12That's gross.
00:14How is that gross? It's natural.
00:16How's it natural?
00:18And then watch this if I yawn.
00:20Alright.
00:22Hey!
00:31Every evening in New Zealand, over two million of us spend the night on the couch in front of the TV.
00:38Who's this one?
00:40He's just a contestant.
00:44We're going behind closed doors.
00:46Hello!
00:48Oh my God!
00:50To find out what Kiwis thought about what was on TV in the last seven days.
00:54In the week when Harry and Meghan announced that two would soon become three,
00:58the Embarrassing Bodies team headed down under on TBNZ 2.
01:02That's not okay!
01:04That is, I refuse!
01:07A new tenant moved into the bachelor mansion.
01:10Well, he looks like a dickhead.
01:13And we saw Fifty Shades of Awkward on Three.
01:16I hope poor Nana's handling this.
01:18Are you okay, Nan?
01:19Well, ain't he just?
01:28Monday night saw the return of Australian Survivor to TBNZ 2.
01:32Fifty days, 24 people, one survivor.
01:40You know what, about Australians, they might not be good at general life skills,
01:44but they do make good reality TV.
01:47Do you think the honey badger will be on this one, Taran?
01:49At the very end, when he gets second or third, he just,
01:52it looks like he's going to win, he just decides he's not going to win.
01:55This year, Australian Survivor bears witness to an age-old battle.
01:59Champions versus contenders.
02:02I could cream that show.
02:06I could.
02:07Yeah.
02:08You guys ready to meet the champions?
02:10Yeah!
02:11Bring him on, bring him on, show us, show us.
02:14Come on in, guys.
02:19Oh my God.
02:21Oh my God, it's Russell Hedge!
02:25What makes you a champion?
02:26I've played the game before.
02:30We've watched the game before.
02:32Know it all?
02:33Oh, believe.
02:35Contenders, who are you putting up?
02:37Let's go, mate.
02:38Matt.
02:41The idea, I reckon, of going on to Survivor is pre-loading.
02:45You chub up.
02:47OK, you're going on Survivor, you're going to be in your swims,
02:51in front of the nation.
02:52The last thing you're doing is chubbing up, my friend.
02:54By the end of it, everybody is like, wafer.
02:57You're not going to make it until the end.
02:59A wafer thin.
03:00You see how they're all covered in tattoos?
03:02I really don't want to see you guys covered in tattoos.
03:05I only want love, mum on my foot.
03:07I love mum on your foot.
03:09OK, you can have that, but nothing else.
03:12Big launch from Paige.
03:14Shane is trying to grab her.
03:16Oh, they've come out fast.
03:18Paige gets there first, but Shane sits on the oranges.
03:21She's not going to let her have them.
03:23There's some top-notch sheilas going at it.
03:27Get in there, you bloody sheila.
03:30Hey, she's MMAing.
03:32It's girl fights.
03:34They're so dumb.
03:36Nothing the matter with a good old honest girl fight.
03:38I'd pay money to watch this.
03:41Takeaway delivery driver Steve was determined to find an immunity idol.
03:46I think everyone's looking for it.
03:48I'm going to do it in a very subtle and stealthy way.
03:54Everyone knows what you're doing, mate.
03:56You're standing in front of people rummaging.
03:58What?
04:03What are you doing, Steve?
04:05Your eyes.
04:06I'm going to look for the idol by just digging holes
04:08a metre in the ground everywhere.
04:11Steve had good reason to feel nervous.
04:13So currently at this stage we've got seven boats lined up for Stevie.
04:17I just want to make sure that everyone's on the same page.
04:20Yeah, but if he's coming out crazy, you can't trust crazy.
04:25It can build shit.
04:27People are looking for an easy pick early on.
04:29Yeah, but I don't know if I am the easy pick.
04:31Do you think I'm the easy pick?
04:33Am I the first one off?
04:34I think you'd be perceived as an easy pick.
04:37I'm no fucking Steve.
04:39Police officer Matt also had the jitters.
04:42Be honest, I like how you guys feel about me.
04:45He was clearly looking for idols.
04:47He had dirt all smeared up his arm.
04:49You know, he was running wild.
04:51If you were an insecure person on this, you'd be paranoid.
04:56You'd just be freaking out the whole time.
04:58You'd hope they wouldn't put a paranoid person on there.
05:01At Tribal Council, it was Matt's turn to dig a hole.
05:05Do you want me to tell you what I saw at the start of the game?
05:07Absolutely.
05:09Shush, just stop it.
05:11Shut your mouth.
05:12When you've got the bromance alliance back here,
05:16they've got a little love triangle going.
05:18Shut up.
05:22He really needs to stop talking now.
05:25Oh, this guy's such a wench.
05:28But when I asked him if I could come to the sleepover,
05:32you said I'd still have to ask my dad.
05:36And I really wanted to come because I've got the new
05:40Call of Duty game.
05:42And I was going to bring it and my two controllers.
05:45And we could have played four-player split screen
05:47on your dad's big TV.
05:50What the girls don't understand is
05:53you've got the three big boys back here.
05:55All the girls? Just generalising.
05:57Did he just say what the girls don't understand?
06:00Yeah, he did. Misogynist bastard. Bye.
06:03When you've got a gaggle of girls, don't say the girls.
06:05The girls.
06:07First vote.
06:10Matt.
06:15Steve.
06:18Matt or Steve. Steve or Matt.
06:20Matt or Steve. Steve or Matt.
06:23First person voted out from Australian Survivor.
06:26Matt.
06:28Yes!
06:30Oh, you skid the cat.
06:32You are the biggest loser.
06:34What an egg.
06:36Matt, try Bespoken.
06:41We should have known when they said
06:43the first person to be voted out
06:45that it had to be Matt because he was up.
06:48Yeah, but I couldn't listen because you were busy screaming.
06:51Presumptuously.
06:53Every now and then, I'm going to be busy screaming.
06:56LAUGHTER
07:08BOTH SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY
07:17Me.
07:22Don't hit...
07:27Hip hip...
07:28Hooray!
07:29Hip hip...
07:30Hooray!
07:31Hip hip...
07:32Hooray!
07:33CHEERING
07:36Yay!
07:39On Wednesday, still reeling from the Honey Badgers' Bachelor blowout,
07:43we steeled ourselves once more.
07:46You're boring me now, David.
07:49Oh, here we go.
07:51Oh, the Bachelorettes.
07:53Jesus!
07:54Come on, Betchy.
07:58It's about fucking time.
08:00Yeah!
08:01WHOOP WHOOP WHOOP!
08:03WHOO!
08:04WHOO!
08:05Put a lady in the big tub.
08:07WHOO!
08:09We first met our new Bachelorette, Ali,
08:12on season one of The Bachelor
08:14when she fell in love with Tim.
08:17Unfortunately, her feelings were not returned.
08:21Oh, my God!
08:23Never bloody stopped.
08:24You know what we need to do? Flip the script.
08:26Bachelorette.
08:27It is Bachelorette.
08:29It was Ali's first night in the mansion
08:31and her suitors were pulling out all the stops to impress.
08:34Oftentimes, they'll bring some sort of gimmick
08:37to be a bit more memorable.
08:38So I've made you this journal
08:40to write down your thoughts and feelings along the way.
08:42That's how you started off strong, mate.
08:45Get yourself a couple brownie points
08:49before anyone else gets in there.
08:51Oh, yeah.
08:52Here's a journal.
08:54He's not a bad-looking dude.
08:56He's all right.
08:57He's got dimples, too.
08:58I can tell you right now, he's out.
09:00Why?
09:01He's gone.
09:02He's got perfect handwriting.
09:04That'd get points in my books.
09:06Ryan's better.
09:07I've seen yours.
09:08No, no, you haven't seen mine.
09:11Oh, my God, I can actually show you mine.
09:14I don't really want to see it.
09:18Well, that's hurtful.
09:20He's got a very ill-fitting suit on,
09:23and he looks awkward,
09:25and he's not confident enough.
09:28Okay?
09:34Hello.
09:35Hi.
09:36Okay, well, they all bring gifts.
09:39Is this baby Jesus?
09:41What?
09:45Goodness, he's a stallion.
09:49He's a stallion.
09:51Don't like him.
09:53No, I don't like his jacket.
09:56Thank you.
09:57No, I don't like his face.
09:58Stupid.
09:59I am in massive trouble.
10:00Well, it's good we don't like the same thing.
10:03Well, he looks like a dickhead.
10:06I'd love to come home to, you know,
10:09a freaking band check.
10:12I work hard.
10:13So, obviously, girls love me.
10:16He's 23.
10:17He has no idea what the fuck's up.
10:18And to be fair, you work out that much,
10:20and that's the state of your abs?
10:22He's got the same hair problem as you, Toby.
10:26Yes, but he is not proud.
10:28Ben.
10:29Ben, what have you got there?
10:30The next contestant gave us a strange sense of déjà vu.
10:33Oh, what is that?
10:35Oh, no, not another.
10:36You don't know who it is.
10:37Yes, who is it next?
10:38Oh, God.
10:39Mate, you need a haircut.
10:40You're looking too much like the honey badger,
10:42and people aren't liking him at the moment.
10:44He looks 12.
10:46He just comes straight from last period.
10:50Oh.
10:51He's not very good at soccer, girls.
10:53No.
10:54No.
10:55No.
10:56No.
10:57I actually have a little bit of a sweet side as well.
11:00Yeah?
11:01So I'll write you a poem.
11:02It better rhyme.
11:03Yeah.
11:04You look so goddamn fit.
11:05I hope I haven't made myself look like a tit.
11:07You did.
11:08You are.
11:09You did.
11:10He's a dick.
11:11He's a dickhead.
11:12Where do they find these idiots?
11:14Why are there no plus size blokes either?
11:19Sorry, darling.
11:21That if I looked like her, and these guys were turning up,
11:25I'd be bloody disappointed.
11:29Beyond disappointed.
11:32Do you think I'd have picked Gary if we were going on stuff like that?
11:36There's a list of things that you wouldn't have picked Gary for.
11:38No, Gary is not somebody I'd have picked on paper.
11:42After Ellie had met all the men, they headed inside for cocktails.
11:46That's a lot of men.
11:48That's a lot of men to work through, isn't it?
11:50Can we have another little chat?
11:52Yeah.
11:53Yeah?
11:54Oh, what a sneaky bugger.
11:56Yeah.
11:57I think we've brought up some very, very good family.
11:59Oh, very, very good family.
12:02What a crock.
12:03He's a minimum girl.
12:04He's a minimum girl.
12:06Then it was time for the dreaded rose ceremony.
12:09That one, that one, or...
12:12I haven't had a good look at that long head bloke.
12:16Two of you will go home.
12:21I hope he goes home.
12:27Oh, yes.
12:28Please tell me Burgundy doesn't get one.
12:30That's amazing.
12:32No, Young Gun's going home.
12:34Don't pick him, don't pick him.
12:35Don't pick him, don't pick him.
12:36No, I'm not going to pick him, I guarantee you.
12:38She won't pick him.
12:39Go home, mate.
12:40Get your beady eyes.
12:44Paddy.
12:46Oh, Paddy.
12:48Will you accept this rose?
12:50Obviously, thank you.
12:51Yes?
12:52Yeah, definitely.
12:53You're like...
12:54Oh, that was literally the bottom of the barrel, mate.
12:57Oh.
12:58There's one guy that's 12 and one guy that's about 50.
13:01Still no bigger boys either.
13:04Hopefully she is looking for a real person.
13:06The school kid needs to go home to sleep.
13:08He's going home, mate.
13:09There's no way.
13:10They're two young fellas, eh?
13:11Yeah.
13:12Vanilla one and vanilla two.
13:14Napoleon Dynamite, you're out.
13:20Brandon, Ben.
13:23You didn't receive a rose.
13:29Please take the time now to say goodbye.
13:31Yeah.
13:34Yeah, why did she choose him?
13:36That's what I couldn't understand, because he's a...
13:39Yeah, he comes from a very good family.
13:42Do you know that?
13:43Don't give a stuff.
13:44Well, they come from the King and Queen of England.
13:46She's a very nice lady.
13:48She definitely is.
13:49Who?
13:50The lady.
13:51She doesn't know how to pick her guys.
13:53Good God, no.
13:54Not that stupid thing with two black earrings.
13:57Two black earrings and these lugs.
14:03Oh!
14:04On Tuesday night, Mythbusters was tackling the big questions on Discovery Channel.
14:16Mythbusters.
14:17Oh, no!
14:18Oh, great.
14:19Oh, this will be good.
14:20Hey, guys, don't try this at home.
14:22They're not those funny men with the funny facial hair.
14:25An odd cat.
14:26Yeah, that's true.
14:27There's one classic canine conundrum that is yet to be addressed.
14:32You'll get it.
14:33Do dogs really resemble their owners?
14:36Yes, they do.
14:38Dogs and their owners actually do look alike.
14:41I've seen that all the time.
14:43I literally always see that.
14:46I reckon George and Jules look alike.
14:51They're both cute, both fuzzy.
14:55They both have moustaches.
14:57See, they both have whiskers.
14:59And they've both got grey hair.
15:02And their eyes are lifeless.
15:04George, this is your spirit animal.
15:07Now, just look.
15:11You see?
15:12I'm sorry, but that's a really good match.
15:15Me and Tebow.
15:16You and Tebow.
15:17Yeah, perfect match.
15:20The show's first test attempted to match people with dogs based on looks.
15:25With the help of Regina Cash,
15:27an expert when it comes to assessing human facial features,
15:30it's time for the people parade.
15:33What would they match you up with, honey?
15:36I think a golden retriever.
15:38I think an Afghan.
15:42Do you think an Afghan?
15:44Knowing my love of Afghans.
15:47Do you know who I won the competition looking like?
15:51Shadrach.
15:53The boxer dog.
15:55We were in the paper.
15:57You do look like a boxer dog a little bit.
15:59Thank you, darling.
16:01I'm pleased to look like Shadrach.
16:03Ooh!
16:05Yes!
16:07I look like an Irish terrier.
16:11Long legs.
16:13Playful face.
16:15Sparkly eyes.
16:18Good tail.
16:21The programme then had a police artist sketch dog owners
16:24just by looking at their pets.
16:26The results may be slightly surreal.
16:30Looks like an alien.
16:31Oh, my God.
16:33Weird.
16:34Oh, this is stupid.
16:35Doesn't look like a human to me.
16:37Looks like a goblin.
16:38Three, two, one.
16:41All right, so, well, you're a little bit off there.
16:44I was off.
16:45And once again, it's a fail.
16:47Oh, dear.
16:48Oh, for goodness sake.
16:49You couldn't have got that more wrong if you tried.
16:51And they had police help.
16:53What does that say?
16:54It says, a police?
16:56You can't always trust in the police.
16:58No.
16:59No matter what your mother told you.
17:01So, this thing, we have to call it busted.
17:04Absolutely busted.
17:05Here you go, Playbo.
17:06Go get it.
17:08So, it's a myth.
17:09It's not true, then, I guess.
17:11I guess we have to accept it.
17:13Did you know that your ear lobes
17:15are the same distance apart as your nipples?
17:18Really?
17:19Yep.
17:20How'd they work that out?
17:22Well, think of it.
17:24Yep.
17:26Oh, how's that match?
17:30Yeah, that's the one.
17:34Yeah, that's the one.
17:45There was I, waiting at the church.
17:50Waiting at the church.
17:52Waiting at the church.
17:54There was I, waiting at the church.
17:59Oh, how it did upset me.
18:02Oh, oh, all at once.
18:05He sent around a note.
18:08Here's the very note.
18:10Exactly what he wrote.
18:12I can't get away to marry you today.
18:18My wife won't let me.
18:23Well done.
18:24Happy Monday.
18:25Cheers.
18:26At the beginning of the week,
18:27we were fascinated by the Australian version of...
18:30Embarrassing Bodies.
18:32Oh, this show makes me...
18:35puts me on edge a little bit.
18:37There's a new bunch of Embarrassing Bodies doctors in business.
18:41Ladies and gentlemen, come on down.
18:43The Embarrassing Bodies truck is here.
18:45Come on, yobbos.
18:47Get your clobber out.
18:48Let's have a look.
18:50Oh, goody.
18:53Ugly Willy.
18:55What's his name?
18:56He's going to be probed by Dr. Brad.
18:59Oh, I don't want to be probed by him.
19:01I don't want to be probed by anyone.
19:03God, what?
19:05Have you not had that, Max?
19:06No.
19:07When do you turn 50?
19:08They're coming, Max.
19:09Two at a time.
19:10I don't think I'm going to turn 50.
19:12The first day of the Embarrassing Bodies truck
19:14has brought some truly desperate cases.
19:17What brings you into the clinic today?
19:19I've got a problem in my bottom.
19:21Has it been painful for you as well?
19:23Very painful, no.
19:24Yeah.
19:25There's a chilli in there.
19:26You put a chilli up your arse?
19:28Who puts chilli on their arsehole?
19:31Zero percent of sane people.
19:33Was it a green or a red chilli?
19:35Was it a whole chilli or did you cut the chilli in half?
19:38No, I cut it into small pieces.
19:39Cut it into small pieces.
19:40And it's crushed.
19:44How big was the chilli?
19:45Was it a jalapeno?
19:47The offending chilli was a homemade remedy
19:50for a suspected hemorrhoid.
19:52Looks like an old sort of flappy hemorrhoid
19:55at the front there.
19:56Oh!
19:57Yuck, man.
19:58He's got like a fistula.
20:00He's probing too far.
20:03I don't want to see this guy's slot.
20:05But it doesn't look inflamed.
20:07What I might do, I'll just gently put a finger in
20:09if you're okay with that as well.
20:11I'm glad I'm not your doctor.
20:13Oh!
20:14Ew!
20:16That's quite sore as well.
20:17It's quite a sensitive thing to be shoving things up.
20:20Have you never had a hot curry or something like that
20:22and like it burns going in and it burns going out?
20:25Yeah.
20:26Why would you go and choose to take that curry
20:29and put it back?
20:31The next patient, Simon,
20:32had a secret he'd been sitting on for years.
20:35Oh, what do we reckon?
20:36Beard.
20:40Something's wrong with his willy.
20:42I've got a hole at the top of my bum crack basically
20:46that shouldn't be there.
20:48So you've got like an extra bum hole?
20:51Of sorts, yeah, yeah.
20:54It's as bad as me.
20:55There's another hole.
20:57Wait, what?
20:58It could be a big boil in ingrown hair or something.
21:00Oh, now I'm excited.
21:02Oh, we're going to have a look.
21:08Oh, yeah.
21:10Now, mate, you said you only had one hole
21:12but I can actually see two there.
21:15Oh!
21:18Oh, my God.
21:20Wowzers!
21:24I wonder if it whistles when it's windy.
21:29What I'm looking at here
21:30is this thing called a pilonidal sinus.
21:34It occurs when the butt cheek sort of gets stretched
21:37just by normal daily activity.
21:39What the hell is daily activity?
21:42So the hair's going through the skin...
21:44Pilonidal sinus.
21:46Say that drunk.
21:48I mean, say that fast three times.
21:51Or drunk.
21:52Say it at all.
21:53Yeah, just say it once.
21:55Go on.
21:56Give it a crack.
21:58Oh!
22:00Nah, nah, nah, nah, me, me.
22:02Nah.
22:07Simon's holes were so deep and infected
22:09he had to see a colorectal surgeon.
22:11So what we're going to do
22:13is we're going to have to cut out all that tissue
22:15that's been affected by the problem
22:17and bring some new healthy tissue
22:19into the hole we're going to create.
22:21Look at the bum hole!
22:24I like your drawing.
22:26I like your drawing. That's a cracker.
22:29So we need to cut out all that unhealthy tissue.
22:32Oh, God.
22:35Oh!
22:37That's not okay!
22:39That's not okay!
22:41That is... I refuse!
22:44Oh!
22:46I'm not going to watch this.
22:48Okay, I'm going to watch it.
22:50I'll tell you when it's over.
22:52Oh, wow.
22:53We're going to mobilize,
22:55free up a bit of his normal, healthy buttocks.
22:58We're going to mobilize,
23:00free up a bit of his normal, healthy buttocks tissue
23:04to move across and close this hole.
23:06Oh!
23:08Whoa!
23:10Oh, yuck.
23:12What the fuck?
23:14They just ripped him into your bum hole.
23:20Four weeks later,
23:22Simon was back to show his bottom to Dr Brad.
23:25That's a cracking wound you've got there.
23:28How does he poo?
23:30With great care.
23:32Oh, cracking job, yes.
23:34Crack...
23:36...ing job.
23:38Anybody? Anybody?
23:40Crack... ing job.
23:42It'd be a real bummer if they didn't fix it.
23:45Doug is a bit of a smartass.
23:47Hi.
23:51So, Max...
23:53...Brad, I'm going to leave.
23:56When you get to 50, you have to get a special examination.
24:06On Sunday, we witnessed some serious penny-pinching on TLC.
24:12This is Extreme Cheapskates.
24:15It's me.
24:16It is Tinky Tidas.
24:18Tinky Tidas.
24:20Ha! Spoke him about you.
24:25Take notice of this, Maureen.
24:29Oh, Georgie!
24:31Yeah, they haven't got George on here.
24:34This is my deal-hunting wall.
24:36I track every deal that I've found up here
24:38to make sure I never miss out on anything.
24:40I'm different from the average person when it comes to spending
24:43in that I really analyse pretty much everything
24:46that I spend money on to try to get a better deal.
24:50Oh, he's a couponer.
24:52Oh, God, you'd be fun to be with.
24:54That's, like, miser on another level, eh?
24:57That's over the top.
24:59What?
25:00I have alerts that tell me whenever money's being spent
25:03on a credit or debit cards...
25:05PHONE RINGS
25:10Oh, Christina, just frickin' run, girlfriend.
25:14Shit, my dad would love this guy.
25:16Four dollars for a nice tea?
25:18Christina has some lessons to learn, you know,
25:20about sticking to the budget.
25:22You could have bought a whole box of iced tea
25:24and it would have lasted for an entire month for $4.
25:27She just wanted to get out of the house to get away from you!
25:30Oh, my God, this guy is not bearable.
25:34I love people like this,
25:36mainly cos I don't understand them at all.
25:39Turin's cheap.
25:40I asked him to buy me a skateboard on the weekend
25:42and he said no.
25:43You wouldn't use it.
25:45Yeah, but still I want it, but he said no.
25:47Cos it's $15.
25:49You could use that $15 somewhere else.
25:51That's not why.
25:53Cheapskate.
25:54Liar.
25:55He wouldn't be my husband.
25:56He wouldn't be my husband.
25:58You're down the road.
26:00Yes.
26:01Take a hike, mate.
26:03Who's the worst person, all right?
26:05So, like, that's just him.
26:06He's about saving money.
26:08But she's staying there in the relationship or marriage
26:13even though it's pissing her off to the end's earth.
26:17Yeah, but sometimes you've just got to take it on the chin.
26:21That's just part of the deal.
26:24In the Roberts family,
26:26saving money means more than careful budget tracking.
26:29It's reducing costs in every way possible.
26:39No, he doesn't.
26:40No, he doesn't.
26:41No, he doesn't.
26:44Oh!
26:46Far out!
26:48He spits back into the bottle.
26:49Oh, you pig!
26:51You bloody wanker.
26:54Oh, God.
26:56Can she have a husband like that?
26:59He's a proper asshole.
27:01I'm glad you said that word.
27:03There he is.
27:04That's all he is.
27:05This is mouthwash we've had for 15 years.
27:08It's gone through generation and generation.
27:11My dad had it.
27:12His daddy had it.
27:13And his daddy had it too.
27:16That's like you, eh, George?
27:17That's why when you get Viagra you lick it
27:19and don't take it so you can make it last longer.
27:23Got on you old boy.
27:26What Viagra?
27:28I was born and bred a cheapskate.
27:30Every year we have a family reunion
27:32and Christina wants to make chilli for the family barbecue.
27:35Despite having to cook for his entire extended family,
27:38Mason is determined to stick to his weekly food budget
27:41of only $75.
27:44You should come with a government health warning, mate.
27:46This is, like, actually amazing, though.
27:48Yeah, this blows my mind.
27:51Do not leave me alone. Stay next to me.
27:53Oh, you'll be fine.
27:54Mason and Christina delivered cut-priced chilli
27:57to his family of like-minded coupon cutters.
27:59This is my wife, Christina. That's you.
28:01How have they not met her before?
28:04Did they not all come to the budget wedding?
28:08Oh, it's a reunion of cheapskates.
28:12You're going to just share the one beer?
28:15They're like, oh, don't get spitted back at him.
28:18Pass it around.
28:19Just have a swill.
28:21Is all your family like this?
28:23Like what?
28:25Like cheap.
28:27We're not cheap.
28:28Thrifty.
28:29We just like to save money.
28:32I bought this $30 spy watch.
28:36What?
28:37Why?
28:38What do you mean you bought a spy watch?
28:40Well, cos, like, I was like, oh,
28:42maybe you can record stuff and, like...
28:44So what?
28:45It's got a camera?
28:46Yeah, it's got a camera and a voice recorder.
28:48Like...
28:50For $30?
28:51Yeah.
28:52Have you used it?
28:53No, but I've done how to work it.
28:57What a buy.
28:58But now I see all this, you know,
29:00you watch James Bond and he's got all that fancy stuff.
29:04Definitely not James Bond, that's for sure.
29:19Cat, cat, cat, cat, cat, cat, cat.
29:21Hello.
29:24No, dogs, dogs, dogs.
29:26We talked about this.
29:28Earlier this week,
29:29Three screamed the third and final part of a documentary series
29:32about an experimental cure for obesity.
29:35To take the treatment, the girls had to ingest encapsulated poo,
29:38more specifically, fit people's poo.
29:41Oh, that's it.
29:42The poo particles.
29:43Oh!
29:44The poo pills.
29:46Come on, New Zealand science.
29:52Oh, the poo factory.
29:54Oh, is it?
29:55Good shit.
29:56Is this the shit pills?
29:57Yeah, the good shit.
29:59Six weeks ago, Saskia, Ashley, Maddie and Alofa
30:03swallowed 30 capsules filled with human faeces.
30:06Alofa, does your mother know you're doing that?
30:08I can taste it.
30:10No, that's your breath.
30:12Shh.
30:14You know, sometimes you might have pills and they taste like shit.
30:18Someone can now go, no, they're literally not shit.
30:21Oh, I can get you some shit pills.
30:23The documentary team travelled to the ends of the earth,
30:26East Africa, all in the name of science.
30:29After spending time living alongside the Hadza,
30:32Jeff Leach realised they were eating a buttload of fibre.
30:35The next obvious step was to give himself a faecal transplant,
30:39so Jeff asked a healthy Hadza tribesman to poo into a bowl.
30:43Are you kidding me?
30:45How the heck did he manage to translate that into their language
30:48that, excuse me, I like your poop?
30:50Jeff put the poo into solution,
30:52and using a turkey baster, he inserted it.
30:55Seriously, this actually happened.
30:58Hang on.
31:00He put it in himself.
31:02OK.
31:04He basted himself like a turkey.
31:10Do you think he does that for work and pleasure?
31:13What?
31:15I mean...
31:17Imagine you're walking down the road in Uganda
31:20and you see Whitey McRidey just over in the corner like,
31:24Morning, mate. How are you?
31:26Believe it or not, there's a scale for evaluating your poo
31:30and assigning it marks, the Bristol Stool Chart.
31:34Stools are rated from rock-hard and lumpy to chocolate pudding.
31:38Rock-hard and lumpy to splats.
31:42Number one are your rabbit droppings, hard little nuggets,
31:45like you're pooping a pinecone.
31:48Oh, yeah, there's mine. I did that this morning.
31:53I've never pooped a pinecone.
31:56Numbers three and four are sausage-shaped with soft lumps
32:00or smooth and polished.
32:02Numbers five and six are a bit of a mess.
32:06Mine's not on there.
32:08If you have number seven, you've got diarrhoea.
32:11I hear a lot of seven.
32:14So, a quick round-up. Max, what was your number this morning?
32:17No, we're not having this conversation, Dad.
32:20I'm serious.
32:22Buffy, what was your number this morning?
32:24Dad, I'm serious. Don't.
32:27Why do I want to see what's in the toilet bowl?
32:29To see how healthy you are. No way.
32:33At the end of the six-month trial, the results were revealed.
32:36That's pretty cool.
32:38Saskia's weight didn't change substantially,
32:40but she's improved her microbiome.
32:43This could mean a lower risk of chronic diseases,
32:45better mental health and an improved relationship with food.
32:49Nothing happened.
32:51She had better mental health.
32:55I ate shit one day.
32:58I feel good about myself.
33:00Hi. Hi, Maddie.
33:02Ironically, Maddie, who had been on the placebo, had lost weight.
33:06It gave me that push to go do something,
33:08because I've changed my diet and started exercising and stuff.
33:11I've lost nearly 10 kilos.
33:13So, in that way, the trial has really helped me.
33:15But if the final study shows health benefits,
33:17she'll also be offered the poo pills.
33:20If you're offered that, like, you've been on the placebo,
33:23and as she said, it gave her the motivation to go do stuff.
33:27She lost weight and everything like that.
33:2910 kgs. And then they go,
33:31uh, here, do you want some shit?
33:33You'll be like, meh, you know what, give me some more placebo.
33:38On Tuesday night, we tuned in to a brand-new show on TVNZ2
33:42about one of the nation's obsessions.
33:47Oh, my pancakes!
33:50Yum. Afghans. Afghans.
33:52This feels like a cooking show.
33:58What's your favourite cake, Max?
34:00Whatever Mum's cooking. That's right.
34:02Correct answer, son.
34:04Luckily for you, it's cake week.
34:06Who's the bird on the right?
34:08On the right.
34:10Yeah, so I know who she is, but who's that?
34:12Oh, some cheap actress that got lucky.
34:15Today, Sue and Dean...
34:17...would like you to bake the ultimate kids' birthday cake.
34:21Oh, my God.
34:23Mum would destroy them.
34:25You bake, though. Yeah.
34:27You make the ex-girlfriend cheesecake.
34:29I do make the ex-girlfriend cheesecake.
34:31I'm quite fond of the ex-girlfriend cheesecake.
34:33It's a good go.
34:35It's one that I'm looking forward to us breaking up
34:37so I can receive, despite the fact you're not my girlfriend.
34:40Can you guys remember any of the cakes
34:42that I ever made for you over the years?
34:44Passion fruit cheesecake, passion fruit cheesecake.
34:47Right, the legend of the cheesecake is
34:49that you only get blessed upon with thy recipe
34:52when the relationship doesth end.
34:55And so does that count for friendship relationships?
34:58No, it's the ex-girlfriend cheesecake.
35:00Damn it!
35:02Geoff baked outside the box with his tantrum cake.
35:05This is a pistachio mandarin cake.
35:08Oh, God.
35:10Pistachio mandarin for a kids' cake.
35:12Looks like puke.
35:14Why would you get a kid a pistachio mandarin?
35:17Just do a real chocolatey chocolate cake.
35:19That looks like a spirulina dish, doesn't it?
35:21The green.
35:23It's pistachio, mate.
35:25I'm making a buzzy bee cake,
35:27so it's going to be a chocolate honey cake.
35:29Yeah, that's a good idea.
35:31It's a buzzy bee cake.
35:33Yeah, it'll be banana and chocolate.
35:35It's very New Zealand.
35:37We have a contender.
35:39Oh!
35:41Bugger, bugger, bugger!
35:43Pick it up. Five-second rule.
35:45Three-second rule.
35:47Three seconds?
35:49Five.
35:51No!
35:53Geoff's tantrum cake was throwing a wobbly.
35:56Oh, my God, the filling is already starting to ooze.
35:59Oh, no!
36:01You're in trouble.
36:03Jenny stayed cool with her igloo cake.
36:05They're going to go on the outside of the igloo.
36:07How are the colours going to attract children to this cake?
36:11Might be, um, penguin poo.
36:14Be nice.
36:16No, good talking point.
36:18Hurry, hurry.
36:20Here's the line. Here's you.
36:22OK, this girl's just cutting marshmallows in half.
36:25She's shit.
36:27Annabelle, you're up. Bring your cake forward, please.
36:29What do you think, Dean?
36:31It's a bee.
36:33Don't eat it!
36:35No, no. God!
36:38Gosh, they wouldn't be wanting cake when they went home, would they?
36:41No.
36:43No.
36:45Oh, what?
36:47They could have sliced it in the backside.
36:49There we go.
36:51Oh, what? They've wrecked it now.
36:55Jenny's cake received a frosty reception.
36:58Did you make the marshmallows?
37:00No.
37:02Or the lollies?
37:04No.
37:07Um, no, I didn't make the icing for the penguin.
37:10Judges. Goddamn judgy judges.
37:12Stop being so judgy.
37:14Those bastards.
37:16Shit, they won't send her home.
37:18They won't send Jenny home.
37:20Jenny will learn from this.
37:22And finally, Geoff's tantrum cake.
37:24Goodness me.
37:26Now, that's a surprise.
37:28All the kids are going to cry at that party
37:30cos it's called the tantrum cake.
37:32It looks like a child's playground.
37:35Oh, it looks ghastly.
37:37I couldn't take a mouthful.
37:39I couldn't bear it.
37:41This week's first star baker is...
37:45Annabelle.
37:47Yay!
37:49Yay!
37:51Go, Annabelle.
37:53Right on you.
37:55So, the first person leaving the Great Kiwi Bake Off is...
38:04Jenny.
38:07These judges are on my shit list now.
38:10Oh, my God, they are on my shit list.
38:13You're not going to be sending them a card at Christmastime, are you now?
38:16No, fuck them.
38:18Yeah, she's done.
38:20Next time we actually bake something, bitch.
38:24I reckon I could go on that show.
38:26Course you could.
38:35Have you heard about the bird of the year?
38:37Yes, yes.
38:39The fat boy got it.
38:41Yeah, the wood pigeon.
38:43The kereru.
38:45Kereru is bird of the year.
38:47Yeah.
38:49But did you know what it's known for?
38:51It's the only bird big enough to, like,
38:54consume all the dodgy berries.
38:57So, it basically sits in the trees getting drunk on berries.
39:00That says something about our binge-drinking culture in New Zealand, doesn't it?
39:03As to whether we vote our bird of the year
39:06as a binge-drinking fat bird.
39:09Three went out on a limb this week with its choice of Sunday movie.
39:13You know I can't stand it
39:15You're running around
39:17Oh, I love this short movie.
39:20I hate this movie.
39:2250 Shots of Ryan.
39:2450 Shots of Ryan.
39:2650 Shots of Ryan.
39:2850 Shots of Ryan.
39:33Oh, now get ready to modestly evade your eyes.
39:37It's about, like, sexy sex.
39:40Like, ropes and chains and...
39:45Ooh.
39:47I don't think I like that.
39:49Oh, that's a bit open-minded, Mother.
39:51This is not going to be uncomfortable at all, is it?
39:54Why would it be?
39:56Great, we'll see you now.
39:57Okay.
39:58The film stars Dakota Johnson
40:00as a student who gets involved with a wealthy business magnate.
40:04Anastasia.
40:06Christian.
40:17Look, she's all flustered, eh?
40:20Yeah.
40:21Talk about love at first sight.
40:24Love or lust, Nana?
40:26Oh, I don't know.
40:28Was she, like, having a...
40:30Yep.
40:31Orgasm.
40:32Or spasm.
40:34Or spasm.
40:36Are you for real?
40:38What the...
40:40What a pleasant surprise, Miss Jill.
40:42What can I help you with?
40:43Do you stock cable ties?
40:45Cable ties!
40:48What's he doing in a hardware store?
40:50Don't you have people to do that for him?
40:52I'm trying to pick up something to hammer.
40:54Ha!
40:56LAUGHTER
40:58As their relationship progressed,
41:00Christian revealed his secret vice.
41:03Oh, my God.
41:09Oh, wow!
41:10Good Lord!
41:11Settle down, Maureen.
41:13Settle down.
41:16Ooh!
41:19Jesus Christ, look at that.
41:22That's a man who's very invested in his penis.
41:26You're a sadist?
41:28I'm a dominant.
41:30What would I get out of this?
41:34Me.
41:36I love Christian Grey.
41:40Did you know in the movie theatre when this first came out,
41:43the movie people found cucumbers on the seats?
41:48When they were cleaning?
41:50Oh, how terrible.
41:52That they had them for lunch.
41:54There was paperwork to complete
41:56before the couple could get down to Christian's kind of business.
41:59Same page.
42:00Is the use of sex toys acceptable to the submissive?
42:02Vibrators OK.
42:03Dildos?
42:04Fine.
42:06Genital clamps?
42:07What the hell's a genital clamp?
42:09I don't know.
42:10Don't want to find out, either.
42:11Oh, my stars.
42:12I'm not sure whether they're for you or for me.
42:15What the hell would you clamp your genitals anyway?
42:19I don't know.
42:20Maybe you should go buy something.
42:21Try it out.
42:22I'm not bloody trying none of that sort of nonsense out.
42:26What are butt plugs?
42:29What's a butt plug?
42:32A plug you put up your butt.
42:36Anal sex, right?
42:38Oh, for fuck's sakes.
42:46You keep this over here, eh?
42:49Fuck off!
42:52I hope poor Nana's handling this.
42:55Are you OK, Nan?
42:56Well, only just.
42:58Well, he's obviously very experienced in it
43:01because he's got her going.
43:04Well, who wouldn't get going with him doing that?
43:08Where's he going now?
43:11Come down for a bit of pie at the Y.
43:15Wow.
43:16Wow, wow, wow.
43:17He's got nice knickers.
43:20Has he got knickers on?
43:22Yes!
43:23He's got blue ones.
43:25Not for long.
43:26Not for long.
43:27Not for long.
43:29Yes, it's got blue ones.
43:32Not for long.
43:34Not for long.
43:45I am so vanilla.
43:49Whoa.
43:50Blown his nose.
43:51No, yes.
43:53He's smelling them.
43:54They usually do, yeah, they usually do that.
43:56He's dropping his tweeds.
44:00Ooh.
44:05Anna eventually decided Christian's tastes
44:07were not her cup of depravity.
44:10Why do you need to...?
44:11Because it's the way I am.
44:20Because those Fifty Shades are fucked up.
44:23Oh, you said it, babes.
44:24That's the splitting line of the movie.
44:26It says Fifty Shades are fucked up.
44:29I'd rather just go to Pornhub, to be honest.
44:35You know, because people always ask me,
44:37how do you view lesbian relationships,
44:39and apparently an HD isn't the right answer.
44:59Oh, oh, oh.
45:02Oh, oh, oh.