God Shave The Queens S01E06 (2020)
Transcript
00:00Hello, dear! I'm late again, pal.
00:06Got to Brighton about 2am this morning.
00:09What are you doing with your leather?
00:11She's just got back from her Gafio backpacking in Thailand.
00:14She's doing some woofing on organic farms.
00:17LAUGHTER
00:19MUSIC PLAYS
00:22What are you doing in Ireland?
00:24I'm going to Australia.
00:26You're going to Australia?
00:28What are you doing in New York?
00:30I slept, I played video games,
00:32had a really nice long soak,
00:3518 wanks.
00:37MUSIC PLAYS
00:50I got sent a couple of links to a couple of reviews.
00:53Show got a great one.
00:55Me and Chris both got the best one.
00:57Right.
00:58But...
01:00Dovina and Scare Me did not get a good one.
01:04I've got the best one as well.
01:06Imagine Dovina Canberra reading a bad review.
01:09Come on.
01:11I mean, those fucking windows would be shut out.
01:16Look.
01:18Look, she's never been out of the house without...
01:22It was a rough night last night.
01:24Was it good?
01:26I wish you could have called.
01:30Not too long.
01:32I hope tonight is smooth.
01:34We made it through that night.
01:368pm, girls. 8pm.
01:38She said, stop the music!
01:40I said...
01:42LAUGHTER
01:44Cut. Cut the act.
01:46Oh, my God.
01:48Is that fine, everyone?
01:50That's fine, isn't it?
01:53MUSIC CONTINUES
02:03Do you have any dietary restrictions?
02:06I'm... Big dicks and proud chicken.
02:08Word, OK.
02:10I flew Miss Gio in just for this haircut.
02:12I'm feeling a lot better now.
02:14Much better!
02:16Stop it.
02:18What's that about?
02:20Baby.
02:22My baby Shane.
02:24Oh, that's not as bad as I thought it would be.
02:26I'll shake it up in the corridor.
02:28OK, deal.
02:30It smells like poop because some of these girls
02:32have got the bowels of a fucking...
02:34I don't know, giant...
02:36I'd imagine a giant has bad poop.
02:40Crystal and the Pistols here.
02:42Welcome to my home.
02:44This is a really cute dressing room, actually.
02:46I hear something coughed egg all over Gothi.
02:48Oh, my God, that was the grossest thing
02:50I've ever experienced.
02:52Me, Something, Crystal
02:54and Vinegar went for breakfast
02:56and I was halfway through my lovely
02:58Eggs Benedict
03:00and Something was halfway through her second one
03:02and...
03:04Sneeze coughed halfway through
03:06Eggs Benedict all over me
03:08and I mean, like,
03:10all over me, like, a shower of egg.
03:12Gothi had egg in her hair.
03:14And on her jacket.
03:16All over her food that she paid £15 for.
03:20And, like, the restaurant just went
03:22completely silent.
03:24I had to get, like, a napkin and wipe it all off me
03:26because it was that bad.
03:28And she was, like, hysterically laughing so much
03:30that she started to vomit water
03:32on, like, the floor next to her.
03:34It was fucking disgusting.
03:36And I was like, oh, my God.
03:38Like, Vinegar's face was just like...
03:40Not good, it's not good.
03:42Funny, though.
03:44Funny now, but at the time I was, like...
03:46It was funny at the time.
03:48No? Horrendous.
03:50I was a little bit ill.
03:52Um...
03:54So, yeah, this is, like, the level of voice
03:56you're going to get from me.
03:58So, um...
04:00Wish me luck.
04:02Are you sure you don't want to cut that last song?
04:04I could just lip-sync both.
04:06But I don't have the tracks to send them.
04:08Oh.
04:10I just need to take it easy
04:12because it's...
04:14It's a sound dog-rap.
04:16I'm not going to lie.
04:18I'm still going to be singing,
04:20so we'll just see how it goes.
04:22Oh, look who it is.
04:24It's Poopy Blue Hydrangea.
04:26Poopy Blue Hydrangea.
04:28This is Johnny Boy.
04:30My partner's here to save the day.
04:32So, um...
04:34Now marriage is legal in Ireland.
04:36When are you popping the question?
04:38When you get rid of the attitude.
04:40Ah!
04:46Works are going to be hard.
04:50Crystal, eat this ass.
04:52Oh, so cute.
04:54Do any of the queens wear
04:56specific perfume when in drag?
04:58Well, my go-to scent is Desperation.
05:00I like to smell like a...
05:02you know,
05:04French prostitute.
05:06And that's no slander on prostitutes
05:08but sex work is work.
05:10Can you be my drag lover? No.
05:12Drag is full. It's one in, one out.
05:14You have to wait for Davina to die.
05:16I'm not going to talk today.
05:18I just can't.
05:20Like, all of this is off a bit.
05:22How are you going to film your monologue?
05:24I'm not going to do it.
05:26I'm just going to go on and perform.
05:30There's not much else I can do.
05:32That's just how it is.
05:34I read a review from London
05:36which everyone got massive paragraphs
05:38and me and Cheryl got a tiny paragraph
05:40put together.
05:42But we weren't dubbed
05:44one of the worst of the night,
05:46so it's all right.
05:48Drag Race Tour Review Metro.
05:50Some season one queens
05:52shine in new show.
05:54I don't think I sold it.
05:56Something wrong. Crystal.
05:58Blue. Gothi.
06:00That's a pleasant surprise.
06:02Go on, Gothi.
06:04She's probably the one who'd entertain you most on a night out.
06:06Faggot was followed up by the Vivian
06:08who cemented her status as a rightful winner
06:10and had the Troxie
06:12bellowing with laughter by simply
06:14uttering chicken-livered shit.
06:16Sadly,
06:18not all were through, Peter Badge.
06:20The biggest dub note of the night
06:22came from series one runner-up
06:24and perhaps the most experienced queen
06:26in the competition, Davina.
06:28She's also very, very ill.
06:30So,
06:32it's not a really true representation
06:34of what Davina does.
06:36It's not fair. If this had been
06:38any other week, she would have been able to turn out
06:40an amazing show, but she's just not well.
06:42And the reviewer
06:44obviously didn't know that, but
06:46why not just... I think she could
06:48pre-assist it. She went on stage.
06:50Guys, I don't feel well.
06:52I've not been well this whole week.
06:54But she's too professional to do that,
06:56and I appreciate that.
06:58Something we all look up to in Davina.
07:00Listen, if you want to see
07:02how glamorous tour life is,
07:04come with me.
07:08Look in there.
07:10LAUGHTER
07:16Is there a turd in it?
07:18Look how fucking disgusting it is.
07:20LAUGHTER
07:22Give her two minutes on the bag
07:24and she does that.
07:26MUSIC PLAYS
07:29One picture, no videos.
07:31No selfies.
07:33And that's the tea.
07:37Who's ready for the meet and greet?
07:39Cheryl's ready for the meet and greet.
07:41Right, this meet and greet starts now.
07:43I'm sick and full of everyone.
07:45It's very late. I'm always ready on time.
07:47Oh, no! I've broken my hearing!
07:49This is why you didn't win.
07:51I know!
07:53COUGHS
07:56Ah!
07:58That's it. Right, we're ready.
08:00No, girl, go at the end.
08:02Why? You know why.
08:04I can make the rest of us stay
08:06until quarter to fucking nine.
08:08No.
08:10MUSIC PLAYS
08:19Three, two, one...
08:22Are you lesbian?
08:24I don't know!
08:26Oh, fabulous. I love a lipstick lesbian.
08:29Hello, Diva.
08:34This is fab.
08:36Oh, God, that's so good.
08:38Very creative.
08:40It does, yes.
08:42We're best friends, so we're together, aren't we?
08:47My bush. My hydrangea bush.
08:52When Drag Race is set, it'll be dead glamorous.
08:55All together, three, two, one.
08:59Are you feeling OK?
09:01I'm Megan. I live in London.
09:03And I've been to every show so far on the tour.
09:06I'm still coming to all of them.
09:11I love Cheryl. Also, Bagger, Vivian.
09:14All right, ready in three, two, one.
09:17It's just really entertaining and funny
09:19and, like, it just gets better every single night.
09:22Like, yeah, I just, I love it.
09:24I think I've broke his toes.
09:26Brighton has got the fittest theatre backstage crew in the country.
09:31Look at them, they're gorgeous.
09:33LAUGHTER
09:35I'm going to call him Prince Albert from now on.
09:41Three, two, one.
09:43Jon, are we on time today?
09:45Yeah.
09:4713 minutes.
09:49Still ill.
09:55Are we all going to make it tonight?
09:57We're all here.
09:59OK, everybody, happy birthday to Austin tonight.
10:02Happy birthday!
10:04Austin, bring back my girls.
10:07Bring back my bitches.
10:09Jon, we're all here.
10:11Thank you, baby.
10:13You look stunning, Bagger. How are you?
10:15I'm good, I'm good. I'm ready for the show.
10:17I've had to walk sideways.
10:19Cos this dress is too big.
10:21Come on, let's do a team prayer.
10:23Everybody get in on the leading prayer.
10:25I couldn't take a Bagger in a fucking sexual situation.
10:28She'd be like, much better.
10:31Cheryl, baby, we're doing a prayer. Get over here.
10:34Everybody hold hands. Everybody hold hands.
10:40Yeah, it's like a cockpit, look.
10:43Let's be a protective cop in case someone hits me.
10:46She's got a credit card in there as well.
10:48OK.
10:52Jesus, beautiful name, Amy.
10:54Good luck.
10:56Eight, nine...
10:58Ten!
11:00Let's go.
11:04MUSIC PLAYS
11:12MUSIC CONTINUES
11:27OK, ladies.
11:29OK, ladies, get off the stage now, OK?
11:32Hello, Brighton!
11:34CHEERING
11:36Oh, my gosh, can we get the house lights?
11:38I've got to see all the...
11:40kids in the house.
11:42I have to be careful with my words.
11:44How old are you right here?
11:46Nine years...
11:48Nine years old, come over here. Come on, nine years old.
11:50CHEERING
11:52Hi. What is your name?
11:54Amelia.
11:56Amelia, you are nine years old.
11:58Now, how do you at nine years old know about RuPaul's Drag Race?
12:01Class parenting.
12:03LAUGHTER
12:05Now, Amelia, who did you come here with tonight?
12:07I'm with my...
12:09both my mums and my dad.
12:11CHEERING
12:15Come on, guys, let's go on stage.
12:17Amelia, so tell everyone
12:20why you like watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
12:23Because it's hilarious.
12:25LAUGHTER
12:27Amelia, did you see me on there?
12:29No.
12:31LAUGHTER
12:33Well, that was a tricky question.
12:36Did you watch the American version?
12:38OK, guess what?
12:40I'm going to give her a free pass tonight.
12:42Because I was about to tell her,
12:44I was going to show you what.
12:46And who is your favourite drag queen tonight?
12:50CHEERING
12:59It is going to be a fantastic and fabulous show.
13:02Are you guys ready to meet and greet your cast?
13:05CHEERING
13:07Give it up for Daniel Strauss!
13:11Where were you? Where were you?
13:13Yes, can I ask you more?
13:16Oh, look at my lovely friend, Nigel.
13:20He's gorgeous.
13:22Nigel's got a big mouth...
13:24and small morals.
13:26LAUGHTER
13:28We'll be in revenge later.
13:30Didn't get much time on the show, did you?
13:32So he's got to make the most of it.
13:34Is that OK, Tim? That, Tim, that, Tim?
13:38CHEERING
13:40Thank you so much, Brighton. I love you.
13:43Enjoy the rest of the show.
13:46Oh, that's great.
13:48I've had a great time.
13:50I think my chat was a bit long, though.
13:52I bet he's got a new vagina, baby girl.
13:54Have you seen it? No. Really?
13:56Has it got, like, the flaps and everything?
13:58It's got flaps and full clitoris and full labia majora.
14:01Work!
14:04There's the clitoris.
14:06These are what you call...
14:08The scientific word is the flaps.
14:11I'm now going to get the clitoris pierced.
14:17Oh, there's the stomach.
14:19Have you seen my pussy?
14:21Oh, there's a pussy!
14:24You bought that? Yeah, I got this pussy.
14:27MUSIC PLAYS
14:34Ugh, gays.
14:36CHEERING
14:38MUSIC CONTINUES
14:55I'm going to take my boys for a walk.
14:59They need some exercise.
15:09Hey!
15:11Hey!
15:13CHEERING
15:30Two days' rest.
15:33Hey, how was that?
15:35Oh, shit.
15:42I got annoyed cos I couldn't sing.
15:44I got annoyed cos I couldn't sing.
15:51I'm going to take my boys for a walk.
15:53I'm going to take my boys for a walk.
15:55MUSIC CONTINUES
16:00CHEERING
16:02Oh, my God!
16:04Let's go!
16:08Are these dolls turned off?
16:10I need y'all to applaud all of this machinery
16:13and equipment cos it looks darkside.
16:16Amelia, do not try that at home, OK?
16:19CHEERING
16:21I'm in the show.
16:25MUSIC PLAYS
16:44MUSIC STOPS
16:46I love ya, I love ya, I love ya.
16:48That's all.
16:50CHEERING
16:52How are you guys spending?
16:54How are you guys?
16:56Good of you to have been on this show.
16:59We also tonight...
17:01We also have a birthday.
17:03Austin won't be here cos it's his birthday tonight.
17:06Austin, where are you? Austin, come on!
17:09Y'all say happy birthday, Austin!
17:12Oh, my gosh!
17:14These boys are working so hard.
17:17So, so hard for these girls.
17:19All the dancing pro on your feet.
17:24I don't condone that, OK?
17:27I don't co-sign that foolishness.
17:29On the count of three, let's say happy birthday.
17:31One, two, three.
17:33ALL SHOUT HAPPY BIRTHDAY
17:35Thank you, Austin, OK?
17:37Y'all come over here for the next song.
17:39I absolutely adore the bones of this queen.
17:42She's about to come on stage.
17:44She's going to entertain the shit out of you.
17:46She's going to do the songs in five different languages.
17:49Are you?
17:51In 49 octaves.
17:53And also, cos we're in Brighton,
17:56she's going to do it whilst eating a great vegan sausage roll.
18:00Gabriela DiCaprio!
18:02CHEERING
18:10I'm in my heels.
18:12I really am, as well.
18:14I put them on before I came on stage.
18:16That was good of me, wasn't it, huh?
18:18Not like RuPaul sat behind a desk.
18:20Anyway...
18:22Oh, did you feel the shift there?
18:25The atmosphere went...
18:29Oh, I thought she was the nurse.
18:33I've right gone off her now.
18:35She's a bit choo-choo.
18:38You all right, babe?
18:42Sorry, I don't speak Dickhead.
18:46No, I'm kidding you, that sounded like a channel.
18:49I'm sorry.
18:51Did you know what I was about to do?
18:53I was about to walk on stage and tell Davina to hurry the fuck up,
18:56cos she's been on there for 15 minutes.
19:00Fierce!
19:02Slave!
19:04Walk!
19:06I'm in my heels.
19:08All right, ladies and gentlemen,
19:10make some noise for Davina DiCaprio!
19:12CHEERING
19:14Ah!
19:16Good evening, Brighton. How the fuck are we?
19:19CHEERING
19:21Where's all the gays in the room? Gays?
19:23CHEERING
19:25All the gays in Liverpool are eyebrow specialists and hairdressers.
19:28We've got fucking doctors, business owners.
19:31Who thinks...
19:33Don't applaud them.
19:35Don't applaud them when I'm stood here with my cock up my arse
19:38trying to make a few bucks.
19:40I just want to get on and do the final number,
19:42cos I'm losing momentum.
19:44Now Viv's still going, so we've got another 20 minutes.
19:47All right, all right. That was Davina, wasn't it?
19:49What kind of doctors are you?
19:51But before I do, has anyone got a bed for you? I'm a bit dry.
19:54Anyone got a drink?
19:56Anyone want a sip? She's a bit dry.
19:58Down it! Down it!
20:00Down it! Down it!
20:02You don't have to do that, do you?
20:04Down it! Down it!
20:06CHEERING
20:12It's that time of the show where...
20:14Ooh, there's 15 minutes of Vivian talking and talking and talking.
20:17And they're singing.
20:19She hasn't even done her alphabet yet.
20:21She hasn't done the alphabet.
20:23A. Can we do, like, the spell?
20:25Angry trapeze. Welcome to Memphis.
20:27HE MUMBLES
20:29B. Bastards waiting in the back doing fuck all.
20:32C. Chicken-livered shits.
20:35LAUGHTER
20:37Thank you all so much!
20:41You guys have truly been the heart of history.
20:44That's me, Paul Straygaze.
20:46UK's senior podcast.
20:49That's the kingdom!
20:51CHEERING
20:53The show!
20:55CHEERING
20:57The people!
20:59CHEERING
21:01MUSIC PLAYS
21:27You look shattered.
21:30Oh, thank you. I love that.
21:32He literally took it off.
21:34Oh, there it is.
21:36Sleep well, babe.
21:38CHEERING
21:45Tonight, I'm getting really crazy.
21:48I'm going to bed.
21:54That's been really good.
21:56Probably one of the most comfortable beds I've ever been in.
21:59I think that might be Davina.
22:01Take Caleb.
22:04She fucking hates me. OK, fine.
22:06Night.
22:11I'm, er...
22:13I'm just picking off the desperation right now.
22:16And then I'm going to crawl into my bunk.
22:20They didn't give me a proper bunk,
22:22so I've got a sleeping ear in the bunk.
22:25All onto the walls.
22:27So I'll see you in the morning.
22:29Hopefully nobody needs a wee in between now and then.
22:31Bye. Love you. Bye.
22:35Can we knock out a bit of Donald Trump in drag here?
22:38One minute till showtime.
22:40She's here.
22:42I'm ready.
22:45CHEERING
22:49I came out on stage and people fainted.
22:52I'm about to jump off this damn stage in my heels
22:55and start saving lives.