White House Correspondents' Dinner Best of Colin Jost
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00:00 Good evening, everyone. I'm Colin Jost and I'll be delivering the Republican response.
00:04 [laughter]
00:06 Thank you, Kelly, for that very kind introduction.
00:09 Mr. President, Dr. Biden, Vice President Harris, Doug.
00:14 [laughter]
00:23 Doug, as you can tell from all the comments about my wife, I'm also used to being the second gentleman.
00:28 [laughter]
00:30 I have to admit, it's not easy following President Biden.
00:33 I mean, it's not always easy following what he's saying, like...
00:36 [laughter]
00:46 But before I begin tonight, can we just acknowledge how refreshing it is to see a president of the United States
00:52 at an event that doesn't begin with a bailiff saying "All rise."
00:56 [laughter]
01:03 And I would like to point out, it's after 10 p.m., Sleepy Joe is still awake...
01:08 [laughter]
01:11 ...while Donald Trump has spent the past week falling asleep in court every morning.
01:15 [laughter]
01:17 Though Fox News said he was just being anti-woke.
01:20 [laughter]
01:23 It's also wonderful to be back in Washington. I love being in Washington.
01:26 The last time I was in D.C., I left my cocaine at the White House.
01:30 [laughter]
01:33 Luckily, the president was able to put it to good use for his State of the Union.
01:37 [laughter]
01:42 I'm kidding, of course. The president doesn't call it cocaine. He calls it high-speed rail.
01:46 [laughter]
01:53 By the way, can you blame the guy for turning to cocaine?
01:56 He must be exhausted, orchestrating four separate trials against his rival,
02:01 rigging the Super Bowl, and gearing up to steal a second election. Wow.
02:07 I love, by the way, that Trump's two attacks on President Biden are that he's a senile old man
02:13 and a criminal mastermind.
02:16 [laughter]
02:18 I'm like, I think you gotta pick one.
02:21 Also, it's not like Trump himself is young and sharp.
02:26 I'm not saying both candidates are old, but you know Jimmy Carter is out there thinking,
02:31 "I could maybe win this thing."
02:33 [laughter]
02:35 He's only 99.
02:38 There's an election six extremely long months from now.
02:43 So let me see if I can summarize where this race stands at this moment.
02:47 The Republican candidate for president owes half a billion in fines for bank fraud
02:54 and is currently spending his days farting himself awake during a porn star hush money trial,
03:01 and the race is tied?
03:04 Nothing makes sense anymore.
03:07 The candidate who is a famous New York City playboy took abortion rights away,
03:13 and the guy who's trying to give you your abortion rights back is an 80-year-old Catholic.
03:17 How does that make sense?
03:19 [laughter and applause]
03:25 People keep asking if our lives are better than they were four years ago.
03:30 Of course they are.
03:32 Four years ago, we didn't have online sports gambling.
03:35 [laughter]
03:37 What more do you need?
03:40 By the way, that's probably what's keeping the economy afloat--online gambling and Taylor Swift.
03:45 Without those, we'd be in a recession right now.
03:47 The problem is people are always going to compare your first term to Obama's,
03:52 but I think there are actually a lot of positive similarities.
03:55 You both made big strides in health care.
03:58 Obama got us out of a recession.
04:00 You got us out of a pandemic.
04:02 Obama got Bin Laden.
04:04 You got O.J.
04:06 [laughter]
04:08 And by the way, now that O.J. is dead, who is the new frontrunner for Trump's VP?
04:13 [laughter]
04:15 Is it Diddy?
04:17 [laughter]
04:19 By the way, I bet if Trump did select Diddy as his running mate,
04:22 I bet this race would still be tied.
04:25 [laughter]
04:29 And finally, I wanted to thank my family,
04:32 and I wanted to thank my friends for being here tonight to support me.
04:36 I want to thank my wife for enduring lots of jokes
04:41 and for agreeing to individually meet everyone in this room right after the ceremony.
04:47 [laughter]
04:49 That is--
04:50 [applause]
04:53 That's really special, honey. Thank you.
04:55 [laughter]
04:57 Don't be shy. Come right up.
04:59 [laughter]
05:01 She hates privacy.
05:03 [laughter]
05:05 [chimes]
05:07 [BLANK_AUDIO]