TikTok queen Bella Poarch stopped in to examine dating profiles YOU submitted, and let’s just say she did NOT disappoint. Watch along as the Navy veteran turned musician lets us know if these responses and photos would be a swipe right... or if they're just "too boring."
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PeopleTranscript
00:00 People ask me out all the time, but I usually say no.
00:03 These men are (beep) boring.
00:05 Hi, I'm Bella Porch, and today I'm roasting
00:07 your dating profiles for Cosmo.
00:10 To be honest, I have never been on dating apps,
00:13 but since I'm newly single, I will probably download some.
00:17 First up, we have Carlos.
00:20 Okay, cute.
00:21 Age 29, location, Hell's Kitchen, New York.
00:24 Sexual orientation, gay, occupation, art director.
00:29 Dating intentions, long-term or short-term relationship.
00:32 Let's see your photos, Carlos.
00:34 Oh, okay.
00:36 Looks like he's in a flight.
00:38 Really nice eyebrows.
00:40 Nicer than mine, I guess.
00:41 This angle of the selfie looks really good.
00:44 I mean, it's nice to take pictures
00:47 tilting your head a little to the side,
00:49 because if you do it forward,
00:50 it just looks like those photos on Facebook
00:53 of like older people.
00:54 (laughs)
00:56 It's not cute.
00:57 Next picture.
00:58 He's in a pool.
00:59 What is he drinking?
01:00 It's on a blue cup.
01:02 This is really cute.
01:03 It shows off that he loves summer.
01:06 I hate summer.
01:07 Next photo.
01:10 Oh, he's a little classy in this photo.
01:12 Whoever is taking these photos,
01:15 they know what they're doing.
01:17 Last picture.
01:18 My weekends look like...
01:19 It shows off his personality even more.
01:22 The last few photos were a little more serious,
01:24 but this one's just like...
01:26 He's just wearing boxers, right?
01:27 It's kinda cute.
01:28 I probably wouldn't do it for a dating profile,
01:33 but something silly like this, I would.
01:34 Just to show off your personality,
01:36 that you're a fun person.
01:37 Okay, Carlos, let's see your prompts.
01:39 He has a voice note.
01:40 Let's listen.
01:42 - Honey, if you ain't stepping your (beep) up,
01:44 you ain't gonna get out of this.
01:45 Take it or leave it.
01:46 Also make money.
01:48 And have a good career.
01:50 And be stable.
01:51 Okay?
01:52 Thanks.
01:53 - He's so me.
01:54 (laughs)
01:56 (gasps)
01:58 I'm the type of texter that texts every minute,
02:00 but then disappears.
02:02 LOL.
02:02 Why is that me too?
02:05 (laughs)
02:06 I am convinced this is my twin at this point.
02:09 My friends hate that too,
02:11 'cause I would constantly text them,
02:13 and then out of nowhere,
02:14 I would just leave the conversation,
02:15 respond back in two days, or four days, or a week.
02:19 It's kinda bad.
02:20 But also, we're busy, you know?
02:22 Overall takeaway in Carlos' profile,
02:24 I think he's a sweetheart.
02:26 So, he's definitely swipable.
02:29 Next profile, Michael.
02:31 He's age 22.
02:32 Location, Toronto.
02:34 Sexual orientation, straight.
02:36 Ooh, he's an aquatics instructor.
02:39 What is that?
02:39 Dating intentions, unsure.
02:42 Okay, let's get into his photos.
02:44 He has a really nice side profile, that's for sure.
02:47 And it looks like he's a lifeguard in this photo.
02:49 It's cute, 'cause I can't swim.
02:51 Next photo.
02:53 Caught in the act.
02:55 What?
02:55 What is he holding?
02:56 Is that a camera?
02:57 This photo is so blurry.
02:59 It looks like he's in a lake with a bunch of people.
03:02 Maybe like with friends?
03:04 Oh!
03:06 That's cute.
03:07 So, he's probably like a photographer too.
03:10 That's kinda crazy that the past few photos,
03:13 he never really showed his face.
03:16 Aw, okay, so he does like dogs.
03:18 Honestly, it's funny,
03:19 'cause he gives off like Golden Retriever vibes.
03:23 In general, like when people like animals,
03:25 I can trust them more.
03:28 Okay, now let's take a look at how he answered his prompts.
03:31 My simple pleasures.
03:32 Good coffee, cameras, traveling, and great people.
03:35 Probably too boring for me.
03:38 Never have I ever been to a concert.
03:41 What the heck?
03:43 That is kind of weird.
03:46 My first concert was when I was 20.
03:48 I hype myself up by doing legs.
03:51 Like leg day?
03:52 I guess it's important for him to point it out.
03:54 Maybe he has really thick thighs.
03:56 I think Michael seems very basic.
04:01 [buzzer buzzes]
04:04 Next profile is Carolina.
04:05 Age 25, sexual orientation straight,
04:09 occupation, TV producer, dating intentions,
04:13 long-term relationship.
04:15 To be honest, something to get me off these apps.
04:17 Aw, that's so cute!
04:18 Okay, let's look at Carolina's pictures.
04:20 Oh, she's really cute!
04:22 Oh, girl, what are you doing on the apps?
04:25 Like, I feel like you could just like go to like a mall
04:29 and you'd meet someone there.
04:31 Next photo.
04:32 This looks like Coachella.
04:34 She seems like a really, really fun person.
04:36 Is that a tattoo of Harry?
04:40 Girl, do you have like your ex's name on your arm?
04:44 Wait, what is, is that a tattoo?
04:46 'Cause if that's a tattoo, then that's like,
04:48 I'm not the one to judge.
04:49 I actually got a tattoo of my ex's name on my arm.
04:52 I'm actually getting it lasered right now.
04:55 But it's weird, that's the only tattoo I see
04:56 on this picture.
04:57 Next picture.
04:58 Oh, this looks like she's in New York.
05:01 She's really always well-dressed in her photos.
05:04 It's giving aesthetic.
05:05 Kind of like it's hot without showing too much skin.
05:09 I think the season in this photo is winter.
05:12 Girls don't really get cold in winter, right?
05:14 I mean, 'cause we still wanna look hot.
05:17 So we just like put on something skimpy
05:21 and then wear a jacket over it.
05:23 Next photo.
05:24 Aw, it shows off her smile.
05:26 I feel like this should be the first photo you see.
05:28 When girls show off their smile,
05:30 it's just like, they're so much cuter.
05:32 Okay, Carolina, time to look at your prompts.
05:35 The best way to ask me out is by carrier pigeon.
05:40 What?
05:41 Billboard, televised award speech, et cetera.
05:45 I kinda get it.
05:47 Like if you don't ask me out on a billboard,
05:50 like what are you doing?
05:51 - What's the best way someone's ever asked you out?
05:53 - People ask me out all the time, but I usually say no.
05:57 These men are [beep] boring.
05:58 They're boring.
05:59 They just text me, I guess.
06:01 [laughing]
06:02 No, no one has ever done anything extra
06:05 to ask me out so far.
06:07 I'm hoping someone does.
06:09 I go crazy for Spotify blend compatibility.
06:13 It's very important to have the same taste in music.
06:16 I feel like she would listen to Rihanna,
06:19 Ariana Grande, Harry Styles.
06:22 Next, I won't shut up about new jeans.
06:25 Girl, me too, what?
06:26 Wait, I love that she's a fan of new jeans.
06:30 That's kinda cute.
06:31 Most guys wouldn't know new jeans, I don't think.
06:33 I think Carolina, it's gonna be so easy for her
06:36 to find someone, but are they serious
06:39 about getting into a long-term relationship?
06:41 She's definitely swipable.
06:43 That's not even a question.
06:45 [laughing]
06:47 Okay, now I'm gonna build my own dating profile.
06:49 Name, Bella Porch.
06:51 Age, 26.
06:52 Location, Los Angeles.
06:55 Occupation, professional pickle eater.
06:57 Looking for open to anything.
06:59 My first photo in my profile would be me with pigtails on.
07:03 Second photo of me would be a photo with alpacas
07:07 because I love alpacas and I think
07:09 they're the sweetest creatures on Earth.
07:11 In my next life, I will be an alpaca.
07:13 Third photo would be me next to my cabinet
07:18 filled with pickles.
07:20 And last photo would be like a thirst trap.
07:24 I'd definitely be showing a little bit of my underboob.
07:27 Okay, and my prompts.
07:28 My most irrational fear are Teletubbies.
07:32 When I was a kid, I used to watch it a lot,
07:34 but then I got a nightmare about the Teletubbies chasing me
07:38 and they were all bloody and that just scarred me for life.
07:41 And every Halloween, I swear, like every party I go to,
07:44 there's someone that's dressed as a Teletubby
07:46 and I'm just like, oh my God.
07:48 Will get along if you like food.
07:52 Yeah, I love food.
07:54 I won't shut up about my celebrity crush.
07:56 First is RM from BTS.
07:59 If I do have a celebrity crush and we're on a first date,
08:01 I probably would talk about my celebrity crush,
08:04 which is kind of bad.
08:05 That's my dating profile.
08:07 Be sure to check out my new song, "Bad Boy."
08:09 (upbeat music)
08:12 (upbeat music)