Would you let a celebrity read your dating profile - and critique it in front of millions of people?? Well, Cosmopolitan's new series Read My Profile is ALL about it. Today, we asked comedian Matt Rife to examine dating profiles YOU submitted, and he did NOT hold back . Watch along as he lets us know if these responses and photos would be a swipe right... or a HARD pass . Stay tuned for more Read My Profile coming soon.
Category
✨
PeopleTranscript
00:00 Hey, what's up everybody?
00:00 I'm Matt Rife and today we are gonna be roasting
00:02 some of your dating profiles to figure out
00:05 why you're still single.
00:07 I miss meeting people in real life.
00:08 But now if you meet somebody in real life,
00:10 they think you're gonna murder them.
00:12 Tinder is just like, would you (beep)
00:14 You're just, nobody's clicking,
00:15 no one's reading profiles on Tinder.
00:17 It's like, yeah, this is fine.
00:18 This is fine, yeah, no, yeah, no, 2 a.m., 6 p.m.
00:21 Raya is just like the Soho house of the dating apps.
00:24 It's like, can you get in?
00:25 Yeah, cool.
00:26 But some people are in there 'cause they know somebody.
00:28 It's like, what are you doing in here?
00:31 All right, profile number one,
00:33 we got Brianna, 26, from Alabama.
00:36 Okay, wholesome, I like it.
00:39 She's an experiential designer.
00:44 It's intimidating to be something that I can't pronounce.
00:47 No idea what it means, but I'm open to it.
00:49 I like learning about new stuff.
00:51 Let's take a look at some of the photos.
00:52 First one, mirror selfie, face hidden.
00:55 Big red flag.
00:56 Show your face.
00:58 You know what I prefer over this?
00:59 Rather than I'm about to head out
01:00 for the night out photo in the mirror,
01:02 I like I'm coming home from a night out.
01:03 You really see how somebody's night went
01:05 by how disheveled they really are.
01:06 That I like.
01:07 Next up, cute outfit, I like this.
01:09 She's tatted, didn't notice that in the first photo.
01:11 Cute boots.
01:12 Looks like she's at a more elegant restaurant,
01:14 which I like.
01:15 Doesn't seem like the club type of girl.
01:17 This I like.
01:18 Cute, straight to camera, cheesing selfie.
01:21 I like it.
01:21 Don't even mind it being a selfie.
01:22 It's a clear look at who you are.
01:24 You have a beautiful smile.
01:26 Solid photo.
01:27 Nevermind.
01:28 Okay, next photo looks like she is in complete distress.
01:31 She's mid-fall, trying to hold her purse.
01:35 It looks like a whole hookah set
01:36 has fallen out of her purse.
01:38 Or if it's Lumiere from Beauty and the Beast.
01:41 Can't quite tell what's happening, but she's blurry.
01:44 And this is the exact photo I was talking about
01:46 at the beginning when I said I wanna see
01:47 how the end of the night goes.
01:49 This profile's full circle.
01:50 I respect it, I like it.
01:52 I like that she's having fun in her photos
01:54 and she's showing who she really is.
01:55 I feel like I actually get to know
01:57 what Brianna is like from these photos.
01:59 I love that.
02:00 Let's take a look at how she answers some of her prompts.
02:03 Facts about me that surprise people.
02:06 I was born with 12 fingers.
02:08 (laughs)
02:09 And I'm in.
02:10 Don't even really need to read any more than that.
02:12 That's awesome.
02:13 Also intimidating.
02:14 It had to cut the extra two off
02:17 and I've felt something missing in my life ever since.
02:21 Here I am, baby.
02:22 The two fingers is missing.
02:23 You thought you got rid of me, I'm back.
02:25 I like that, that's fun.
02:28 My most irrational fear.
02:30 Teleportation.
02:31 I think you're safe.
02:32 I think you're all right.
02:34 You're just killing yourself over and over again
02:37 since you can't transfer consciousness, only copy it.
02:40 It's not really you anymore.
02:42 What in the black mirror is she talking about?
02:46 What?
02:47 I would love to smoke weed with this girl so much.
02:49 I wanna know where she got this inside information.
02:51 Are people teleporting?
02:52 Is that the new Uber?
02:54 Overall, I think Brianna is very cute.
02:56 She's very insightful as to who she is
02:58 from this dating profile, which I like a lot.
03:00 I get a lot of her personality based on these photos.
03:02 And I get to actually see her face
03:03 and what she looks like.
03:04 She's telling you who she is in this profile.
03:06 And for that reason, I would swipe right.
03:08 Next up, we have Hannah24.
03:12 Already a red flag.
03:13 Okay, let's take a look at some of the photos.
03:15 Photo number one.
03:17 Cute, she's definitely outside.
03:18 This is like the candid paparazzi shot.
03:20 She's probably leaving a club.
03:22 Maybe heading to a more popular place.
03:24 So maybe she doesn't know any promoters.
03:25 That's a good thing.
03:27 Second picture, her with a group of friends
03:29 standing in the middle of traffic.
03:31 You know what?
03:32 They can stay there.
03:33 I don't like a girl who's messing up traffic
03:34 for everybody else, okay?
03:35 People are trying to get places.
03:37 She's not taking into consideration
03:38 the dozens of other drivers trying to pass them
03:40 on this road so they can have their cute little photo op.
03:43 None of them are even looking at the camera anyways.
03:45 (laughing)
03:46 Third photo, just kind of a duck face.
03:48 Didn't know that was still in.
03:50 Fourth photo, she's in a club.
03:52 I'm just not a big club girl kind of guy.
03:55 I mean, she seems to be having a good time.
03:56 Good for her.
03:57 I see she's not at a table, so that's good.
04:00 That's good for a general admission kind of girl.
04:02 Vacation photo, looks like it's maybe Italy,
04:05 maybe south of France.
04:07 I don't see her profession on here,
04:08 which is a little alarming because I'm just,
04:11 I'm trying to figure out how she afforded this trip.
04:13 Like, I don't know if maybe she has a great job
04:15 or just great feet.
04:17 Who knows how she raised this money?
04:19 Next photo is her smoking a cigarette
04:20 while making out with her friend.
04:23 Ooh, that's divisive.
04:24 You know the friend is having to kiss a cigarette mouth,
04:27 so now you feel kind of bad for the friend
04:29 who was probably not as apt to take this photo as Hannah was.
04:32 I think the only thing that's missing from her photos
04:34 is an actual photo of her just straight to the camera.
04:37 Like, can I see what you just look like
04:38 standing in front of me?
04:39 I see all these atmosphere shots, but it's like, okay.
04:41 So I can only see you in the south of France
04:43 or a nightclub or the middle of a freeway.
04:45 That's where you look your best?
04:47 I really can't afford any of those.
04:50 Oh God, there's a video on here.
04:52 Won't let me see.
04:52 Looks like an EDM concert,
04:54 and for that reason, I am immediately out.
04:56 Whole bottle of (beep)
04:58 just chilling on a subway wrapper.
05:01 Oh my God.
05:02 This is a bit white trash.
05:05 It tells me she went to a sorority for sure.
05:09 Wasn't in a sorority, but has been to a sorority
05:12 would be my guess.
05:13 All right, now let's take a look at her prompts.
05:15 What if I told you that I'm a vegan?
05:18 Next.
05:19 I feel like if somebody has to put that in their profile,
05:21 like they want you to know
05:22 that's a huge part of their personality.
05:23 Otherwise, you would just wait till the first date,
05:25 but the fact that you have to lead with it
05:26 lets me know it's gonna be a problem.
05:28 Next is, this year I really want to,
05:31 and she said, keep my mind open and my legs crossed.
05:35 Sometimes.
05:36 All right, that does it for today's segments.
05:38 I'm pretty much done now.
05:40 Keep your mind open and your legs crossed?
05:44 I'm not a book, dog, okay?
05:47 You're not just gonna read me and leave me hanging, okay?
05:49 Let's have some fun mutually.
05:51 Let me see if I can get your brain flowing,
05:53 and if that goes well.
05:55 - Would you swipe right on her?
06:00 - I didn't see enough green flags to offset the red.
06:02 It seems like a lot of work and not a lot of promises.
06:05 So, I don't know.
06:06 Sorry, Hannah.
06:07 All right, up next we got a dude's profile.
06:11 Let's tear it to shreds.
06:12 John, backwards hat, not a good first look, dog.
06:15 Okay, just very fratty.
06:18 Very fratty, it wouldn't lead with that.
06:20 This hat is a top away from being a visor.
06:22 He's 25, six foot, so really 5'11".
06:26 He's an ESG consultant.
06:28 I don't know what that is, but it doesn't sound fun,
06:30 for sure, maybe don't talk about that on a first date.
06:32 First photo, him at the beach.
06:34 Okay, not bad, you're a bit shadowed out,
06:36 can't really see what you look like,
06:37 but beautiful scenery, not bad.
06:39 Maybe a more close-up photo next time.
06:41 This looks like every evidence of Bigfoot ever.
06:43 Second photo, standing in front of more water.
06:47 Thirsty, okay, wearing cargo pants.
06:50 Good luck.
06:52 Okay, he either has a twin brother
06:54 or a better-looking friend.
06:55 And either way, I don't think you put that person
06:58 in your dating profile photo,
06:59 'cause now I'm trying to figure out who's who.
07:00 You don't lead with better-looking friends.
07:03 Rookie mistake.
07:04 Oh, okay, all right.
07:06 Get someone who looks at you like it's him and a koala.
07:10 Okay, animal lover, again, looks like he loves to travel.
07:13 This is super cute, good for John.
07:15 Now let's take a look at some of his responses
07:17 with the prompts.
07:18 I bet you can't, says, "Beat me in Mario Kart."
07:22 First of all, John, I would dust your ass.
07:25 Play Mario Kart on the first date,
07:27 that would be so much fun.
07:28 You'd learn a lot about somebody
07:29 based on the characters they choose.
07:31 So far, I think John might be toad.
07:33 I'm a Yoshi person myself, bring it, John.
07:36 I get along best with people who
07:38 let me have the window seat on airplanes.
07:41 You buy the window seat.
07:43 You don't hope to get a window seat.
07:45 This tells me he takes Southwest
07:46 and that's a huge red flag, okay?
07:48 Everybody knows you pre-select your seat.
07:50 That's rookie mistake, you can't leave that up to fate.
07:52 Are you out of your mind?
07:53 It's the best seat on the plane until the end of the flight,
07:55 'cause you know how they always come by
07:56 to let you know they're about to land?
07:58 55 minutes before they're about to land.
08:00 And they will wake you up from your window slumber
08:02 just to say some stupid shit,
08:03 like, "I need you to put your window shade up."
08:05 Like this (beep) checking his blind spot in 28F.
08:09 My most controversial opinion is
08:12 that nightmares are better than dreams.
08:15 John's gonna murder you.
08:17 I was on his side for a little bit,
08:18 but this is very Jeffrey Dahmer.
08:20 This is what I'm getting from his profile now.
08:22 This seems like the hint that when people are like,
08:24 "Did you hear John murder people?"
08:25 And they're like, "Yeah, but did you read his profile?"
08:28 And look, this is coming from a guy who loves spooky stuff.
08:30 I also love a good, bad dream sometimes.
08:33 I love scary movies.
08:34 He needs to be a little bit more specific, though.
08:36 It'd be a no from me personally, but that's me.
08:39 Some people love serial killer documentaries,
08:42 and maybe they wanna be a part of one.
08:43 That's up to you.
08:44 You try it at your own risk.
08:46 All right, up next we have Jenna, 25, from Chicago,
08:51 lives in New York, industry, business.
08:55 What kind of business are we talking about?
08:56 That's vague.
08:57 Are we talking Wall Street?
08:58 Are we talking OnlyFans?
08:58 All of them are businesses.
08:59 It's a broad spectrum.
09:01 I would like a little bit more detail of an answer for that.
09:03 Okay, first of all, she has nine photos.
09:06 She's taking advantage of every opportunity
09:08 to let you know who she is.
09:09 We'll see.
09:10 First photo is a cute photo.
09:12 You get an actual glimpse of what she looks like.
09:14 Good front photo.
09:15 Next, we have a cute picture of what looks like her
09:17 having a glass of rose, maybe,
09:19 maybe some wine.
09:20 This photo is her with two other women
09:22 that look pretty identical to her.
09:24 Cute, looks like they're in a club.
09:26 Not that big a deal.
09:27 Okay, now she's sipping on a drink
09:28 at what looks like an open bar.
09:29 Here we go, hiking.
09:30 [beep]
09:31 Rooftop photo of her and a friend.
09:32 She's in a cute white dress.
09:34 Looking down at the ground is an interesting pose
09:36 with the hands just down by your side.
09:37 You look like you're asleep standing up.
09:39 Come on.
09:40 I'm so tired.
09:41 Interesting, she hasn't filled in any of her interests
09:44 or answered any prompts.
09:46 Instinctually, that should be a red flag
09:48 'cause I'm like, why don't you have
09:49 your entire profile filled out?
09:50 But also, maybe she's leading for an in-person
09:52 conversation 'til you don't already know all the answers.
09:55 Her profile song is Temperature by Sean Paul.
09:59 Green flag.
10:00 Shout out to Sean Paul.
10:01 Love him.
10:02 Don't forget about the hits Sean Paul really brought
10:04 in the early 2000s.
10:05 Come on, man.
10:06 That brought me back.
10:06 I like that.
10:07 Now, I'm on board.
10:08 Okay.
10:09 So far from Jenna's profile,
10:10 the lowlights are as I like a little bit more information
10:12 about what you do, your hobbies, your interests.
10:14 Just a little bit more that left a little bit vague.
10:16 Highlights are she likes Sean Paul.
10:19 For that reason, I DM.
10:20 - Do you recognize her?
10:22 - Am I supposed to recognize her?
10:23 - Randomly, you did match with her a couple years ago.
10:26 - Oh, I've matched with a lot of people.
10:28 [laughing]
10:31 Sorry.
10:32 All right, and now I'm gonna build my own dating profile.
10:35 I would lead with my interests.
10:40 I would do a lot of photos of me in my hobby environments.
10:43 Maybe something outdoors, hiking.
10:45 Something of me at work because my job is such a prominent
10:48 part of my life.
10:49 Maybe a stage photo to kind of show the fun thing
10:51 I get to do for a living.
10:53 I'd maybe push the boundaries.
10:55 Not a shirtless pic, but maybe a tank top.
10:59 I do work out.
10:59 I do enjoy going to the gym as do I enjoy somebody
11:02 who likes doing the exact same thing.
11:04 And for my prompts, I suppose I would say
11:08 my most irrational fear is the dark.
11:11 I am deathly afraid of the dark.
11:13 It's pretty pathetic.
11:14 Like I have to sleep with the TV on every single night
11:16 'cause I've convinced myself that like if there are ghosts,
11:19 they're gonna think I have people over
11:20 'cause the TV's on.
11:21 Ridiculous.
11:23 I go crazy for cinnamon rolls and otters.
11:26 I am so determined to have a pet otter.
11:28 They can't have cinnamon rolls, I don't believe.
11:30 I'll have to keep those in a separate building.
11:32 The way to win me over is just to have
11:34 a good sense of humor.
11:35 I love to be in a relationship that we can like,
11:37 we can roast each other, we can jab at each other.
11:39 If something crazy and dark happens,
11:41 like are you the person I can laugh through that with?
11:43 (upbeat music)
11:46 Well, that's it.
11:49 Thanks for watching me roast some of these dating profiles
11:51 for Cosmo.
11:52 You guys can check me online anywhere at @MattReif.
11:55 Everything sold out.
11:57 (laughing)
12:00 (upbeat music)
12:02 (gentle music)
12:06 (gentle music)
12:09 [Music]
12:11 [MUSIC]