After just getting dumped for the first time EVER, Kesha is ready to build her first dating profile. But first, we asked the singer to critique the dating app profiles YOU submitted, and we are living for her honesty. Plus, she builds her own profile at the end in hopes of finding her very own Sugar Daddy.
Stay tuned for a sneak peek at her brand-new profile and learn some of her *strange* dating tendencies.
Stay tuned for a sneak peek at her brand-new profile and learn some of her *strange* dating tendencies.
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PeopleTranscript
00:00 Did you see this picture?
00:01 What is happening?
00:02 Oh, serving bottom energy!
00:06 Hey, this is Kesha, and today I'm gonna be roasting
00:08 your dating profiles for Cosmo.
00:10 I have no idea why anyone's asking me.
00:13 I just got dumped for the first time in my life.
00:16 Can you (beep) believe it?
00:18 We're all (beep)
00:21 We're all (beep)
00:22 I was just making my profile as I was driving here.
00:25 Tinder, in fairness, never used it.
00:28 It seems like where you go to get laid.
00:30 That's a get laid app.
00:31 Hinge and Bumble seem on par.
00:34 There might be some billionaires lurking in the shadows,
00:37 but you have to kind of weed through.
00:40 Everybody's on Raya.
00:41 I don't know.
00:42 I don't (beep) with Raya.
00:43 I'm on all the other ones.
00:44 I mostly want a sugar daddy.
00:46 I've just never had one.
00:47 It sounds really fun.
00:48 I know that's anti-feminist of me, but I want one,
00:50 so DM me.
00:51 First up, we have Isabel.
00:52 She's 23 in East Williamsburg.
00:55 Bisexual, social media editor,
00:58 seeking a long-term relationship.
01:00 Okay, you're looking for something real.
01:02 You have a job.
01:04 Yes, and you sound cute.
01:07 Okay, she's got an up high shot of her
01:10 in a very cute little shirt.
01:12 Not too much makeup.
01:14 Really cute.
01:15 She's a cool girl.
01:16 Okay, now she has a fluffy hat.
01:18 I love a fluffy hat, so she's fun.
01:20 She's cool.
01:21 Okay, now she's at the beach.
01:23 She loves a floral.
01:24 We found out two tops with a floral.
01:27 That might be a casino in the background.
01:29 I don't know, there's a roller coaster.
01:31 She's cool.
01:32 You wanna take her to Jersey,
01:34 and you do a casino night,
01:36 and it's kind of ironic,
01:38 and you're having whiskey
01:40 and playing the cheap blackjack tables.
01:42 She's fun.
01:43 She's wearing a leopard print cowboy hat and a bolo
01:46 and a button down top.
01:49 She looks like a cowgirl.
01:50 Maybe southern.
01:51 She's serving southern vibes in this.
01:54 But like, cool.
01:56 I can't stress this enough.
01:57 She's cool.
01:58 A special talent of mine.
02:00 Hey funny guy, I don't usually do this kind of thing,
02:02 but I don't usually encounter guys
02:05 as funny as you totally hot.
02:07 Shower beer sometime with me?
02:10 (beep)
02:11 Yeah.
02:11 Like, that's awesome.
02:12 (laughing)
02:13 I'm stealing that.
02:14 That's super cute.
02:16 She's fierce.
02:17 She don't give a (beep)
02:18 She's cool.
02:19 She loves her florals.
02:20 Ugh.
02:21 Selfie number 503.
02:23 She's like having a cig outside of a bar.
02:27 She's going like this.
02:29 I wanna be friends with her, honestly.
02:31 She's cute.
02:32 Let's see how she responded to her prompts.
02:34 Loan me $1 for the jukebox.
02:36 Yes.
02:37 I'm telling you, dive bar, get a beer with her.
02:40 Love that.
02:41 I feel like she might be playing like,
02:43 some like trashy 80s like, cock rock.
02:47 And like singing with it,
02:48 and like crawling on the jukebox
02:50 and leaving boys little notes with their beers.
02:52 It's cute.
02:53 Together we could return the bowling pin I stole
02:56 from the bowling alley.
02:56 Oh, she's naughty.
02:58 She's sassy.
03:00 I love her.
03:01 She's not a basic bitch and she doesn't follow the rules.
03:04 She's a troublemaker.
03:05 Yeah, totally.
03:09 (laughing)
03:10 As long as you don't steal from people or small places.
03:15 If you're like Robin Hooding, that's fine.
03:18 But don't like steal my vintage t-shirts
03:21 or something like that.
03:22 No.
03:23 This year I really want to become a Girl Scout troop leader.
03:27 I think that's sarcasm, but either way, I'm intrigued.
03:31 Isabel, I think is doing a really good job.
03:33 I think she's showing who she is.
03:35 She's showing she has a cool personality.
03:37 She doesn't seem like a quiet, basic kind of gal.
03:41 And she's looking for someone to like,
03:43 get into trouble with.
03:44 For me, I'm not dating a 23 year old.
03:49 That is not water I'm about to jump into.
03:50 But if I were in the correct age range, yeah, totally.
03:55 Up next is NEC, age 24.
03:58 They don't give a location.
04:00 Very mysterious.
04:01 Occupation, actress, seeking non-monogamy.
04:04 Oh really?
04:06 Interesting.
04:07 Would I?
04:09 I'm not opposed to it.
04:10 You'd have to shift your expectation for sure.
04:14 Let's get into their photos.
04:16 They're very like cool, hot, whimsical.
04:20 Kind of magical vibes from the first picture.
04:23 They're holding a pickle like a gun.
04:27 Listen, I don't know what's happening in this picture,
04:31 but it looks fun, I think.
04:34 Second pic, they're beautiful.
04:37 Androgynous, moody.
04:40 They're also very cool.
04:42 Oh, here we go.
04:44 This makes more sense.
04:45 The third pic is like, they're,
04:47 what do you call it when someone has like,
04:49 swords in the field?
04:50 Is that LARPing?
04:52 Nobody knows.
04:53 We would have to ask them.
04:54 But there's a sword.
04:57 There's an armband.
04:59 There's a sword holder.
05:01 This is the whole vibe.
05:03 Okay, I understand now.
05:04 It took all three to make sense of the profile.
05:07 Like, Dune, medieval times.
05:10 I'm gonna go out on like a limb and say they like Pokemon.
05:14 I don't know.
05:15 That's the vibe.
05:16 They're super pretty.
05:17 Like all black lace tights.
05:20 They like cool music.
05:22 Probably like sad music a little bit.
05:26 And like some yelling kind of.
05:28 Oh, they're so artsy.
05:30 That's beautiful.
05:31 It kind of looks like an AI generated picture.
05:35 I bet they're really into AI.
05:36 (laughing)
05:38 They like grimes for sure.
05:43 Okay, here we go.
05:44 I (beep) knew it.
05:46 The way to win me over is let me hyper fixate
05:49 about World of Warcraft.
05:51 I don't know what that is.
05:53 But that's exactly the vibe I was getting from the sword.
05:58 I'm looking for a gamer or nerd, see?
06:02 I've never played a video game in my life.
06:04 So like this is out of my wheelhouse.
06:06 But like I knew it.
06:08 One thing I'd love to know about you
06:10 is what you geek out over.
06:12 I feel like they like want like their like
06:14 Renaissance magical sword fighting lover.
06:19 This profile is super cute, very interesting.
06:21 It's definitely not someone I'd probably have that much
06:24 to like talk about 'cause I don't know anything
06:26 about video games.
06:27 I feel really mean saying it 'cause they're like lovely,
06:29 but we would just have nothing to talk about
06:31 and I don't know where they live.
06:32 So I would probably have to go in the
06:34 have a wonderful time direction.
06:37 But like I wish them the best of luck in the multiverse
06:42 because they don't have a location.
06:44 David, drop next.
06:45 I get to judge you, which is hilarious.
06:47 I have no business doing this.
06:50 David, age 21, location Silver Lake.
06:52 Sexual orientation, homosexual, occupation,
06:56 professional sleepyhead, and seeking long-term relationship.
07:00 Okay, cute, I'm excited.
07:01 Oh, David is very handsome.
07:04 Really cute.
07:06 Dreamboat eyes.
07:08 He's in Silver Lake like he's a hipster.
07:10 He's got tattoos.
07:12 I don't even get what this means.
07:13 My submission to National Geographic.
07:15 Oh, like your picture.
07:16 Okay, I get it.
07:17 He's wearing a shirt that says thoughts,
07:22 like those hoes over there.
07:24 I don't know, but he's showing his panties.
07:27 Dating me will look like sleeping on the beach with a book.
07:31 He has a professional sleepyhead maybe.
07:33 Whoa, this picture's super confusing.
07:36 What?
07:38 Someone's gonna have to explain what is happening.
07:41 Is that David?
07:43 He's either doing some like yoga pose in a river.
07:48 I don't know what's happening.
07:50 Or he's like sexually intertwined with someone.
07:53 I don't know.
07:54 It's impressive.
07:55 Maybe he's a yogi.
07:56 Did you see this picture?
07:58 What is happening?
07:59 - Just bottom.
08:00 - Oh, serving bottom energy.
08:03 (laughing)
08:04 - He's bending.
08:05 - Oh, okay, I'm so confused.
08:07 Okay, well, I definitely can't do that.
08:09 So that confused me.
08:11 I see, he can put his legs behind his head.
08:13 Cool, hot.
08:16 I go crazy for ice cream and cuddles.
08:18 Oh, he's like a little sweetie.
08:20 To me, relaxation is edibles and a good book at the beach.
08:24 I love David.
08:26 Biggest risk I've taken, moving to Los Angeles with no money.
08:29 I've been thriving for a year now.
08:31 Okay, he's thriving.
08:33 Let's go.
08:35 (laughing)
08:36 I mean, he's a cutie.
08:38 He's definitely has a sleepy head.
08:39 He loves a beach, cleans up nice.
08:42 He's just like a easygoing, hipster, sleepy, sexy bottom.
08:47 Is that right?
08:49 That would be my guess.
08:51 I kind of understand who he is.
08:53 Like, I would wanna hang out with him, get a tea,
08:56 go in the river.
08:57 He could do this crazy-ass yoga move.
09:00 This is very clearly he's a homosexual.
09:02 So I think I'll let David thrive
09:06 with the other homosexual men.
09:08 Okay, now we're gonna build my own profile,
09:10 so let's do this.
09:11 My name is Rose.
09:12 I'm 24.
09:14 I'm a sugar baby.
09:15 And I'm looking for a sugar daddy.
09:19 This is the problem I've been having.
09:20 It's like, do I use my face?
09:23 But like, what other face do I have?
09:25 If I'm actually looking for the person on this app,
09:28 you have to like represent who you are.
09:31 So, some with me and my cats, some on the red carpet,
09:34 some on stage, like.
09:37 But then I'm like, should I just use my name then?
09:39 And just like, go for it?
09:41 But then I'm not gonna get a sugar daddy.
09:43 So I don't know, this is like a grand conundrum
09:45 in my life right now, I don't know.
09:47 Okay, let's say my name is Kesha.
09:49 I'm 24, occupation, self-sufficient.
09:54 And I'm looking for a sugar daddy or a baby daddy.
09:58 My most irrational fear is stinky fingers.
10:02 You don't even know the amount of stinky fingers
10:07 I have encountered in my lifetime.
10:08 And they just come at your face, no.
10:11 I go crazy for, it's gonna sound dirty and it's not.
10:16 I go crazy for being wet.
10:18 Give me a river, give me an ocean, give me a pool,
10:21 give me a hot tub, give me a hot spring.
10:23 I hate being dry and hot, I hate being hot and dry.
10:26 I wanna be cold and wet.
10:28 The way to win me over is tell me I'm the queen
10:33 and buy me things and take me on trips
10:38 and just don't be like a douchebag, you know?
10:44 I'm really attracted to tall, hairy, dark haired men.
10:49 (laughing)
10:54 A typical Sunday is kind of whatever the (beep) I want
10:58 and you've gotta be okay with that.
10:59 Like we're either like going to a red carpet
11:01 or we're gonna be at the beach
11:03 or we're gonna be like snuggling my cats.
11:05 Thanks for watching.
11:08 Thanks for helping me create my profile.
11:10 I'm gonna be going on tour,
11:12 so I guess I'm gonna have to learn how to set my profile
11:15 to all these different cities.
11:17 Good luck to me.
11:18 Thanks for watching.
11:19 Good luck everybody.
11:21 (upbeat music)
11:23 (gentle music)
11:27 (gentle music)
11:29 (music)
11:31 [MUSIC]