Conan Gray has *lots* to say when it comes to these dating profiles. Watch out if you’re an Android user, don’t like cats or…have a sock in your bathtub? He doesn’t hold back critiquing these profiles YOU submitted and even takes a shot at building his own. See which selfies made the cut and learn what the key to his heart is.
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PeopleTranscript
00:00 If you don't like cats, it's because you don't like things
00:02 that you can't control.
00:03 And I think that says everything I need to know about you.
00:05 Hey y'all, it's Conan Gray,
00:07 and today I'm gonna be roasting your dating profiles
00:09 for Cosmo.
00:10 Don't listen to any of my advice,
00:12 and anything that I say, please don't take personally.
00:14 I don't know you.
00:15 First up, we have Neuron, 23 years old,
00:18 from North Plainfield.
00:20 Don't know where that is.
00:21 Sexual orientation, straight.
00:23 Singer-songwriter, red flag.
00:25 Seeking a long-term relationship.
00:27 As a singer-songwriter, I don't think so.
00:29 Okay, aw.
00:31 If this is the first picture,
00:32 I think you've done a great job,
00:33 because I audibly said aw,
00:35 because look how sweet and nice you look.
00:37 Great hair, beautiful, beautiful face.
00:40 Just gray all around.
00:42 New York City, I think?
00:44 Question mark?
00:45 It's like a very Gen Z pose.
00:47 It's like, oh, I'm just here.
00:49 Like, I'm just standing here, whatever.
00:52 Like, oh, what?
00:52 Oh, there's a camera, what?
00:54 The only thing is, like,
00:55 do I learn that much about you from this picture?
00:57 I don't know.
00:58 I learn that you carry big tote bags,
01:00 which actually says a lot about you.
01:02 If I had to guess what was in this bag,
01:03 I would say, honestly,
01:06 probably like a copy of "Normal People" by Sally Rooney.
01:10 Some pen, like a notebook that you bring around everywhere,
01:14 but you actually don't write anything in it,
01:16 because why would you write anything in a notebook
01:18 in today's modern age?
01:19 Next picture is a little intimidating,
01:23 but I understand that that's maybe a good side to show.
01:26 You can be scary.
01:28 You can be intense, but also you look great in it.
01:30 So maybe that's exactly what needs to be done.
01:33 Next one is "Meet in the Wild."
01:35 This is the best picture on here.
01:36 It says a little about your personality.
01:38 You like pigs.
01:40 That's important, because God forbid
01:42 you date someone who doesn't like pigs.
01:44 All right, let's take a look at how she answered her prompts.
01:47 "I want someone who is intentional and compassionate."
01:51 I don't know, don't we all, though?
01:53 80% of people on dating profiles
01:55 are just looking for a little more soul of validation.
01:58 So maybe if you're looking for someone
01:59 intentional and compassionate,
02:01 I don't know if you should even be on this app.
02:03 (laughing)
02:04 "Best travel story.
02:05 "Went on a solo trip to Japan, visited a karaoke bar,
02:09 "and was the only person there.
02:10 "Spent the night singing with the owner."
02:12 That's really sweet.
02:13 I would rather die than experience that.
02:17 This tells me a lot about yourself.
02:18 You're brave, you're outgoing,
02:20 you like to make connections.
02:21 I don't like any of those things.
02:23 This is a really sweet story.
02:25 And this is great,
02:26 this is exactly what should be on a dating profile.
02:27 "I geek out on many things,
02:29 "but mainly movies, music, and anime."
02:32 Yeah, don't we all love movies, I think?
02:35 But maybe they don't, and if they don't, then God.
02:39 "My overall take on Rian is that you are
02:41 "a beautiful, very lovely woman."
02:44 This is an absolutely swipable profile.
02:46 This is like great, sweet, unintimidating, nice.
02:50 I would be like, yeah, for sure.
02:52 Next profile, we have Aiden.
02:54 "Location, green boy."
02:56 "Seeking men."
02:57 "Occupation, actor."
02:59 Let's get into the photos.
03:01 First picture.
03:02 Aiden, this picture is blurry,
03:06 but I do kind of feel like this picture
03:08 is giving really neutral, so I don't know.
03:12 I don't know what the vibe of you is yet,
03:14 and we're gonna find out.
03:15 Next picture.
03:16 "Fun, in front of a backdrop, purple."
03:19 You must love the color purple,
03:21 and there are purple people out there,
03:23 and they're very passionate about being purple.
03:25 This tells me a lot more about you as a person.
03:28 I like you already.
03:29 Next one.
03:30 Oh, shirtless.
03:32 "The environment of this bathroom, it's foul."
03:35 I feel like I can tell a lot about someone
03:36 from what they have in their shower.
03:38 Various shampoos, I love that.
03:41 It's good to know that you wash your hair.
03:43 There's a razor, I think, I see in there.
03:45 You have sock.
03:47 So maybe we don't need the shirtless picture on here.
03:50 Like, maybe the sock should have been removed from the tub.
03:55 Maybe you're looking for people who love a sock on a tub.
03:57 Do I want the sock to be gone?
03:59 Yeah, I do.
04:00 I do want the sock to be gone.
04:01 Next one.
04:02 "A cat picture, this is great."
04:05 I love cat people.
04:07 If you don't like cats, it's because you don't like things
04:09 that you can't control.
04:10 And I think that says everything I need to know about you.
04:12 Oh, yeah, you know, they're so unpredictable.
04:14 Yeah, so are people.
04:15 So are human beings.
04:17 Like, oh, you only want something
04:18 that worships you like a god?
04:19 Yeah, okay, narcissist.
04:21 So basically, I love you, you're great.
04:23 Thank God you have a cat.
04:24 Let's move on to see how they answered the prompts.
04:27 "What if I told you that I have an Android?"
04:29 We can tell.
04:30 The pictures told us everything.
04:32 Android users, fine.
04:34 Can you FaceTime them?
04:36 No.
04:36 Can you text them in a regular way?
04:38 No.
04:39 Can you speak to them?
04:39 No.
04:40 But they're usually quite good people, I feel like.
04:42 Unless they're like really intense about it,
04:44 like, "I have an Android, and they're better than iPhones."
04:47 Calm down.
04:48 My simple pleasures.
04:49 Iced coffee, check.
04:50 Spending time in the sauna.
04:52 Psychopath.
04:53 My cat, check.
04:55 Good lighting.
04:56 The occasional day in bed.
04:59 Ah, one of my people.
05:01 I meet people who go in saunas, and I'm like,
05:03 "Yeah, you seem like the type of person
05:04 "who goes in a sauna."
05:06 My favorite line from a movie.
05:07 "What's your favorite scary movie?"
05:08 Parentheses, no, but answer the question.
05:11 Is it from like Scream or something?
05:12 People who love scary movies,
05:14 I can't imagine they could get along
05:15 with people who hate them.
05:17 But I feel like every scary movie person
05:18 has a person who can't watch scary movies.
05:21 If someone answers this and says,
05:23 "I hate scary movies," don't put them down yet.
05:26 Just let them cook.
05:27 Aiden's profile.
05:28 You seem great, seem like you could really find a person
05:33 that's great for you because your profile was very in-depth,
05:36 and I feel like it was intentional and compassionate.
05:39 But swipable.
05:40 Good.
05:41 Minus the sock.
05:42 Get rid of the sock.
05:44 Magdalena, 27.
05:46 From the Upper West Side of New York.
05:47 Occupation, marketing at sustainability consulting firm.
05:52 I just learned how to read yesterday.
05:53 Long-term and short-term relationship
05:55 is what you're looking for.
05:56 Her words, "Kind of figuring it out as I go."
06:00 So, commitment issues.
06:02 First picture, you look beautiful.
06:04 This is a beautiful dress.
06:05 Drinking a glass of wine.
06:07 The smile is saying, "Yeah, I can see through you.
06:10 "I can see through everything that you know."
06:13 Life outtake.
06:14 It's a picture of you on a boat with your friend.
06:17 You look like you've had a wonderful day.
06:19 I think you're in Amsterdam or something.
06:21 I feel like, generally, you should just leave your friends
06:24 out of your dating profiles, 'cause, why?
06:28 Third picture, a selfie.
06:29 Gotta love a selfie.
06:31 You're wearing a seatbelt.
06:32 It's good to know that you're safe.
06:34 I think she's trying to tell you...
06:36 That says a lot, it says a lot.
06:41 Last picture, mirror picture.
06:44 I love a mirror picture.
06:45 I think this is great.
06:47 I think this is a work of art.
06:48 Now, let's get on to the prompts.
06:50 I'm looking for someone who will always get
06:52 a sweet treat with me.
06:54 I'll do that with you.
06:55 Don't you worry, I will do that with you anytime.
06:58 After every meal, my body says, "You're not done eating.
07:01 "You haven't eaten a little piece of chocolate."
07:04 A life goal of mine, own land and raise chickens and cows.
07:08 Should we get married?
07:09 Should we?
07:10 Because this sounds great.
07:10 This sounds like a life.
07:12 The one thing I'd love to know about you is,
07:14 what was your favorite after-school snack?
07:16 Hmm, this is a good question.
07:18 I feel like it'll tell you a little,
07:19 like some people are like carrots and ranch people
07:21 and other people are like ants on a log.
07:24 And other people are like,
07:26 "I didn't eat after-school snacks.
07:28 "My life was hard."
07:30 Someone's favorite after-school snack, I think,
07:32 says a lot about their socioeconomic location.
07:36 If they're like, "Love to pack Oreos."
07:38 Okay, rich, rich person.
07:42 If you ate Oreos after school,
07:44 like how do you enjoy buying Prada bags all day?
07:47 Is it nice?
07:49 If their answer's like normal,
07:50 like peanut butter and jelly, you're like, "Okay."
07:52 I didn't grow up with money,
07:53 so I'd probably like feel comforted
07:55 if like an answer is something kind of in that range.
07:58 My overall takeaway is great, fine, wonderful.
08:01 Very swipable.
08:02 In fact, I think I just did.
08:03 Cameron, age 26, location New York.
08:07 Straight student, open to whatever, I guess.
08:11 Cameron, this first picture is,
08:14 I'm not gonna say it's your best work,
08:16 but maybe it is, and we'll find out later.
08:18 You know, I'm kind of into the crop, actually.
08:20 I think it's kind of, yeah, I'm a little different.
08:22 I'm a little different.
08:23 Second picture.
08:24 This is fun.
08:25 I think it says that you're fun and lighthearted.
08:27 I'm not fun and lighthearted.
08:29 I don't drink.
08:30 Although maybe this is just a lot of apple juice.
08:32 Could be.
08:33 You look like someone who likes apple juice.
08:34 I like that about you.
08:35 Third picture.
08:36 See, this one you look really good in.
08:38 I love the kind of film photo vibe.
08:42 You're on a roof.
08:43 I like this one.
08:44 I think actually out of all of them,
08:45 you look most pleasant and approachable and happy here.
08:49 I just always like the ones of people smiling, though,
08:51 so maybe that just makes me uncool.
08:54 This picture of Larry David, your best work.
08:57 You've never looked better,
08:58 and I think you should start with this one, actually.
09:01 Now let's move on to the prompts.
09:03 Something about me is, I'll talk about me on a date.
09:06 You and me.
09:07 I don't know, if I don't know what to talk about,
09:08 I'm gonna talk about myself.
09:10 Actually, this is good, and it prepares people
09:12 for what your day is gonna be like.
09:14 My top Spotify artist.
09:16 2 Chainz and Alex G.
09:18 This says everything.
09:20 This says everything.
09:21 You can delete everything else.
09:23 Cameron, this says everything, and I like you.
09:25 You have duality.
09:27 You have depth.
09:28 You probably don't shower.
09:30 But do you need to with music tastes like this?
09:33 I don't think so.
09:34 I think this is fine.
09:35 Overall takeaway on this profile, delete everything.
09:38 Just leave this last one, and the picture of Larry David,
09:41 and I guarantee you're gonna have all of New York City.
09:44 All right, now we're gonna build my dating profile.
09:47 Name, Justin Bieber.
09:49 Age, 37.
09:50 Location, your mom's house.
09:52 Occupation, Jester.
09:54 I'm seeking Magdalena.
09:57 [laughing]
09:59 First picture would be, maybe a mirror picture.
10:03 Maybe it needs to be a mirror picture,
10:05 'cause I was talking a lot, a big talk
10:06 about this mirror picture, so maybe it's a mirror picture.
10:08 Second picture, probably a picture of me with a cat.
10:11 My third picture will be, probably a picture of me
10:16 in front of a mirror with some socks in my bathtub.
10:19 Probably, if I'm trying to attract the right crowd.
10:23 My last picture on the profile would be your mom,
10:27 and she's smiling with me.
10:31 The key to my heart is, you're never gonna get it,
10:35 and I'm never gonna give it to you.
10:37 I think people are gonna take that as a challenge,
10:39 and they're gonna really fight to try to get my heart.
10:42 The weirdest thing about me is
10:44 that I can do this thing with my hand.
10:46 Weirdest gift I've ever given.
10:51 One time for my best friend's birthday,
10:54 we baked a very large sombrero made out of cookie dough.
11:00 It was delicious.
11:02 I think that's a pretty good gift.
11:04 Alrighty, that's my profile.
11:05 I hope you love me.
11:06 Thank you for roasting some profiles with me.
11:08 Don't go on dating apps at all, actually.
11:10 You're fine.
11:11 Just walk around on the streets naked.
11:13 You'll figure it out.
11:14 [gentle music]
11:17 [gentle music]
11:20 [gentle music]
11:22 [gentle music]
11:25 [Music]