Shout out to the brave souls who submitted their REAL dating profiles to be roasted by Podcaster and Comedian Jared Freid. Jared gives no mercy as he scrolls through pictures that radiate 'Pick Me' and 'Bullsh*t' energy - deciding whether he would swipe left or right. Watch as Jared builds his own dating profile, gives his opinion on getting banned, and the controversial take he would put for his prompt.
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PeopleTranscript
00:00 What got you banned from Bumble?
00:01 - I don't know.
00:02 - I never believe the person doesn't know.
00:04 Why did I get blocked by this person?
00:05 You know.
00:06 Hi, I'm Jared Freed and I'm gonna be roasting
00:08 your dating profiles for Cosmo.
00:12 I am qualified to have an opinion on dating.
00:16 I have experience in being on the male side of it
00:19 for sadly 20 years.
00:22 That's crazy.
00:23 All right, let's get into these dating profiles.
00:26 Okay, first up is Alexandra, 36, San Francisco.
00:29 On camera, fitness coach.
00:31 Dating intentions, long-term relationship.
00:33 Surprise, surprise, a woman looking for a long-term
00:36 relationship on Dating App.
00:38 This is so quirky and interesting.
00:39 Let's take a look at Alexandra's photos.
00:42 First photo, good.
00:44 She's full body, she's smiling, it's bright.
00:47 She's got the leg kick up like she's in a rom-com
00:50 and just made out with the lead.
00:51 It's a good lead picture.
00:52 Second picture, covering her face with a phone.
00:55 Not a good picture.
00:56 She's in a dressing room.
00:57 I don't need to see you in a Filene's basement.
00:59 It also doesn't give me anything to talk about.
01:01 What am I gonna talk about?
01:02 Did the clothes fit?
01:03 Third picture, again, can't see her face.
01:07 We are far away.
01:09 We're painting a life a little bit, which is good,
01:12 but it didn't really do much considering the first two.
01:15 Another picture, her with the balls out at Burning Man
01:18 or something.
01:19 I'd look at this, I'd be like, ugh, a lot of standing.
01:21 We gotta go places.
01:23 I gotta dance to techno.
01:25 But again, no face.
01:26 I still don't know really what she looks like.
01:29 I just know that she likes oysters
01:31 and she goes to festivals that I don't wanna be at.
01:33 Okay, so here are her prompts.
01:35 Are you a dog person?
01:36 Because.
01:37 If you don't like dogs, then I don't like you.
01:39 Saying I love dogs is as good as saying I love vanilla.
01:42 You're not really giving me a personality.
01:44 It's an easy opinion to have.
01:46 So you haven't really weeded anyone out
01:48 to me with that prompt.
01:50 Typical Sunday.
01:51 Now that it's football season, football and laundry.
01:53 You're kinda being like a little bit pick me girl.
01:56 Like I love football and laundry.
01:58 Like I don't go out all the time, but I love Eli Manning.
02:02 My greatest strength, showing up for people.
02:05 Oh God, I show up for everybody.
02:09 Let me tell you how good I am to all my friends.
02:14 No one cares.
02:16 You might get a response to that.
02:17 You probably won't.
02:18 It won't be the truth.
02:19 Because this isn't the truth.
02:21 It's what you wanna sound like.
02:22 It's just not who you are.
02:23 My overall takeaway from Alexandra's profile,
02:25 it's fine.
02:26 It's swipable.
02:27 I just don't think it's helpful to Alexandra.
02:30 Our next profile is Maxwell.
02:31 Maxwell's 28, Brooklyn, New York.
02:33 Actor, open to long or short term relationships.
02:37 Every guy.
02:38 Open along.
02:39 I'll do short.
02:40 If I have to.
02:41 If we gotta go down on each other and then move on.
02:44 No!
02:45 Stop asking for what people are looking for.
02:47 So here's Maxwell, actor who wants to [beep] in Brooklyn.
02:50 His first picture, it's fine.
02:53 You're wearing a backpack.
02:54 You're just gonna give half the women the ick
02:57 from that just generally.
02:59 Man in a backpack.
03:00 Not really the porn women are watching these days.
03:03 I wouldn't have a backpack in my opening picture.
03:05 I've heard this from my female friends.
03:07 They're not into man in backpack.
03:09 I wear a backpack to the airport.
03:11 I'm okay with not being [beep]able.
03:12 It's okay.
03:13 The next picture, doing a little AC Slater
03:16 at the improv group.
03:17 It does look like you're gonna ask a group of people for,
03:20 say a profession.
03:22 It looks like you're about to look for some improv games.
03:25 The next photo, you're Bilbo Baggins.
03:28 You're at the Shire.
03:30 And then now they're backpack.
03:32 So they can expect a lot of backpack times with you, Maxwell.
03:35 You're active.
03:36 That's good.
03:37 You're not drinking in a bar from a beer bong.
03:40 You're doing the right thing.
03:41 Here's the problem.
03:42 I don't see a full life here.
03:44 Right now I know you act, you wear backpacks,
03:47 and you go outside.
03:49 Okay, let's look at the prompts.
03:50 Dating me is like prefer in person over small talk online.
03:54 Goals is a workout partner, travel buddy,
03:56 and someone I can confide in.
03:58 This is a horrific answer.
04:00 Like I've never wanted to like run away
04:02 from a human more in my life.
04:04 I don't like that someone took the prompt
04:06 and didn't play with the prompt.
04:07 Like he went into his goals.
04:09 No, we asked you what dating you was like.
04:11 It seems like a nightmare, okay?
04:12 It seems like you're gonna talk down on us about small talk
04:15 and then make me do a HIIT workout with you.
04:18 You'll know I like you if,
04:20 it's pretty obvious if I like you.
04:21 I don't play games.
04:23 Flirting and teasing is fun, but not mind games.
04:26 This is a nothing statement.
04:27 Nobody wants to play games.
04:29 No one's on here, "Oh, I'm the game player.
04:32 "I'm the Riddler.
04:34 "I'm gonna make you wonder if you're (beep)able or not."
04:36 No, my love language is comforting,
04:39 encouragement, humor, physical touch, and support.
04:43 So what, all of them?
04:46 Your love language is every single one.
04:48 Human touch, yeah, I could've told you that too.
04:50 Mine's human touch.
04:51 It's just not you, I know that.
04:53 You had a backpack on, dude.
04:55 Maxwell's profile is just bull (beep).
04:57 It's swipable from a woman who just joined
05:00 Dating Apps today.
05:01 - All right, I'm gonna give you my profile.
05:03 - Are you ready?
05:04 Okay.
05:05 I'll do it right on the spot.
05:09 Okay.
05:12 So I'm sitting here with Amanda, the director.
05:16 It's your profile, this is awkward.
05:18 Everything I gave was with love.
05:20 This is all to make it a better profile.
05:22 Okay, so Amanda, 30, live in Hoboken,
05:25 executive producer, looking for a long-term relationship,
05:28 open to short.
05:29 First picture, bright, full face,
05:32 see exactly who you are right away.
05:33 This is great.
05:34 Second photo, this is very selfie sent to a friend
05:37 pre-date with guy I haven't met yet.
05:40 Third picture, you're out,
05:41 there's a French toast situation going on.
05:44 I like food, so I would mention the food
05:46 if I was to respond to it.
05:47 The person behind you looks like they're contemplating
05:50 whether they should leave New York and move home.
05:54 No one has actually looked like they're having
05:56 a worse time at brunch than the person behind you,
05:59 I have to say.
06:01 Fourth picture, we're at the Taylor Swift movie.
06:03 So this is good, this is conversation.
06:06 The most miserable person right now, in my opinion,
06:08 is someone who has to let people know
06:09 they don't like Taylor Swift.
06:11 Like, okay, you don't like the thing everyone loves,
06:14 like, to be negative on Taylor Swift
06:16 means you're a negative person in general,
06:17 so like, Taylor Swift hater, that's a personality type
06:19 that I would never wanna go out with,
06:20 so you're gonna like dredge those people out,
06:23 which is good.
06:24 Last picture, you're at the VMAs,
06:26 you look great, there we go.
06:28 Things to talk about, what happened at the VMAs,
06:30 who'd you see, did you meet anyone cool,
06:32 those are all good questions.
06:33 So the pictures I think are good,
06:35 other than your friend who might be looking
06:36 to make a job change in the brunch picture.
06:40 Okay, so let's go to the prompts.
06:42 Give me your honest opinion about my hinge profile,
06:44 I guess you let everyone review your hinge profile,
06:46 I wouldn't do that.
06:47 I want your honest opinion about nothing about me.
06:50 You're braver than me, is what I'm saying.
06:52 I recently discovered that the Pirates of the Caribbean
06:55 movie is actually based on the Disney ride, not vice versa.
06:59 Okay, I don't know what I say to this.
07:01 I would be like, that's crazy, right?
07:03 Like, what could I say?
07:06 To me, the ride is the worst ride at Disney,
07:09 but we've all been on it, so I guess I would talk about
07:11 how the ride stinks, the movies are great.
07:13 I don't know where it gets us.
07:15 The key to my heart is refilling the Brita.
07:18 I'm not into this, again, this is Millennial Mad Libs.
07:21 We've heard the joke, we've seen the joke,
07:23 I don't fill it, I'll drink from the sink,
07:25 like a pig at the hose, like okay, that's me.
07:29 I could respond to this, but it's just nothing to me.
07:31 That's not an important thing to your life.
07:33 I'm convinced that Bumble has it out for me.
07:36 I guess this produces questions.
07:38 This goes down a road of negativity.
07:40 All you're gonna do is get another negative person
07:42 who hates Bumble, or that maybe was kicked off of Bumble
07:46 for some reason that's horrific.
07:48 What got you banned from Bumble?
07:51 - I don't know.
07:51 - Ah, I never believed that.
07:54 I never believed the person doesn't know,
07:55 why did I get blocked by this person?
07:57 You know, why are you kicked off of Bumble?
07:59 Ah, I don't know, I guess I was too pretty.
08:02 Amanda, you do have a swipable profile.
08:06 The pictures are great, your prompts could use
08:09 more vulnerability, less negativity,
08:12 and I think that would put you in a place to judge others
08:15 instead of you getting judged.
08:18 Okay, so now I have to build my own dating profile.
08:21 Name, Jared Freed, age 38, location,
08:25 New York City, occupation, comedian/boardlord.
08:30 Boardlord, I give my opinions
08:32 on people's charcuterie boards.
08:33 I'm the boardlord.
08:35 Seeking young, hot, vivacious woman
08:38 who can handle a Jewish mom.
08:40 My first photo will be me, full body shot,
08:45 can see me and all my curves.
08:48 Second photo, it would be me with friends
08:52 or at a friend's event or something amongst other people
08:57 to show that I talk to human beings, which I don't.
09:00 You know, mostly it's just me on my phone at a bar alone.
09:02 Maybe that should be the third picture.
09:04 Me doing what I love most, me at a bar,
09:07 martini on my phone.
09:09 It's weird, they'd be like, "Who took that of you?"
09:11 And I'd be like, "I asked someone,
09:13 "can you take this for me?
09:14 "It's for my dating profile.
09:15 "I'm alone, please."
09:17 Last photo would be me crushing it on the soccer field.
09:21 No.
09:22 [laughs]
09:23 Me eating, that's my athletic activity.
09:26 I'd have to be eating.
09:27 I'd have to be doing something food-related.
09:30 Okay, I'm gonna fill out my prompts.
09:32 My secret talent is having an opinion on everything
09:34 no matter how little I know about it
09:36 or how little I've read about it.
09:38 Currently, my most controversial opinion
09:40 is anyone who orders ravioli at a restaurant
09:43 is the dumbest, least economical person that I've ever met
09:47 and I would never eat a dinner with them.
09:49 You get like five.
09:50 You can't share it.
09:51 It should be a side order.
09:53 It shouldn't be a main.
09:54 And that's my dating profile.
09:56 Dating me is like eating queso dip.
09:57 You're gonna enjoy it in the moment
09:59 and then like an hour later, you're gonna be like,
10:00 "Ugh, why did I just do that?"
10:02 If you want more dating advice
10:04 and reasonable dating talk and conversation,
10:08 go listen to the You Up podcast.
10:10 It's every Wednesday and Sunday on the Betches Network
10:14 and you can watch my Netflix special about being single.
10:18 It's called 37 and Single and it's on Netflix right now.
10:21 You can stream it immediately.
10:23 Go, go watch it.
10:24 [upbeat music]
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