Category
🦄
CreativityTranscript
00:00 Who needs a haircut?
00:01 1, 2, 3, 4!
00:02 [MUSIC PLAYING]
00:06 Woo!
00:07 Come take a ride.
00:13 Come take a ride.
00:15 Come hear the sky.
00:16 No worries, Wednesday night.
00:18 It's Wednesday night.
00:20 And out you need to go to the Grinning Scattered Show.
00:24 Grinning Scattered Show.
00:26 Whoa!
00:27 Grinning Scattered Show.
00:29 Grinning Scattered Show.
00:32 [CHEERING]
00:35 Fuck your dreams!
00:43 Fuck your dreams!
00:45 Fuck your dreams!
00:46 Fuck your dreams!
00:48 Fuck your dreams!
00:49 Fuck your dreams!
00:51 Fuck your dreams!
00:53 Fuck your dreams!
00:54 Fuck your dreams!
00:56 Fuck your dreams!
00:57 All right.
00:58 Thank you, everybody.
00:59 Welcome to the Chris Gethard Show.
01:01 Our crowd is already chanting, fuck your dreams.
01:05 Hello and welcome.
01:07 I'm your host, Chris Gethard.
01:08 We want to say hi to everybody watching live on Public Access
01:10 M&M here in Manhattan, as well as everybody watching live
01:12 at thechrisgethardshow.com.
01:14 And anybody who might be downloading this in the future,
01:16 we want to say thank you to the LLC, the greatest
01:18 house band in Public Access.
01:19 [CHEERING]
01:23 We've got Mimi in the home.
01:26 Mimi.
01:27 We're so happy to return to our studio on 59th Street.
01:31 Mimi, you've got so much room back there.
01:33 More room!
01:33 Yes!
01:34 We're so happy.
01:35 Our crowd is amped up.
01:37 The man behind the plant stuck back behind a plant
01:39 where he belongs.
01:40 [CHEERING]
01:41 Where he belongs.
01:44 Yes.
01:45 I like it better when we have all this room
01:47 and we cannot see you, man behind the plant.
01:49 I really enjoy it.
01:50 Now, tonight, I'm going to go ahead and announce our show
01:52 topic before we even announce our panelists.
01:54 Because tonight, we ask a very simple question
01:56 from our audience.
01:57 And we got some volunteers who said,
01:59 I am the person who needs what you're asking for.
02:01 Tonight, we do a show, ladies and gentlemen,
02:03 entitled, "Who Needs a Haircut?"
02:05 [MUSIC - "WHO NEEDS A HAIRCUT?"]
02:06 Who needs a haircut?
02:07 We need a haircut.
02:09 Who needs a haircut?
02:10 We need a haircut.
02:11 Whoa, whoa, oh.
02:13 Whoa, whoa, oh.
02:14 Whoa, whoa, oh.
02:16 Whoa, whoa, oh.
02:17 [MUSIC - "WHO NEEDS A HAIRCUT?"]
02:22 Who needs a haircut?
02:23 We need a haircut.
02:25 Ow!
02:25 All right.
02:26 [APPLAUSE]
02:30 So we put out word to our studio audience
02:33 that we need people who are willing to volunteer
02:35 and let us cut their hair live on the air.
02:37 And we have four volunteers tonight.
02:39 We also need you guys to call us up at 212-757-1393.
02:42 That's 212-757-1393.
02:45 Give us advice on what you guys think these four people need
02:48 for their haircuts.
02:49 Before we bring our four people up,
02:50 let's meet the people who will be cutting hair tonight.
02:51 I will be cutting hair along with, on chair four,
02:53 we got Murph and Miranda Maxine.
02:55 How are you guys?
02:56 [APPLAUSE]
02:59 OK, now do either of you guys have experience cutting hair?
03:03 I shaved my own head once, but--
03:05 See?
03:06 I've never been allowed.
03:07 You've never been allowed.
03:08 [LAUGHTER]
03:09 OK, that does not bode well for the recipient of your haircut.
03:12 Another chair, we have Shannon O'Neill and Bethany Hall.
03:15 How are you?
03:15 [APPLAUSE]
03:18 Now, Bethany, I feel like out of everyone up here,
03:20 you might be the person who's most hesitant to give--
03:23 who will feel guilt.
03:25 No, you're totally wrong, because I'm
03:27 really good at giving haircuts.
03:28 Oh, you're very good.
03:29 So whoever sits in your chair has the highest potential
03:31 to get a good haircut.
03:32 And then I'm going to shave half that person's head.
03:34 [LAUGHTER]
03:35 OK, so you're going to split half the head.
03:36 Fair, OK.
03:37 And joining us, very, very psyched to welcome,
03:39 so gracious of him to stop by, ladies and gentlemen,
03:41 Zach Galifianakis is here.
03:42 [APPLAUSE]
03:44 How are you, sir?
03:45 And you brought-- you just showed up,
03:47 and you brought a man with a flute.
03:49 You brought a flutist.
03:50 He's my flutist.
03:51 [LAUGHTER]
03:52 He walks around with me to the sitting
03:54 and plays his flute for whatever mood I'm looking for.
03:58 OK, so just at any point, flute is always welcome here
04:02 on the Chris Gethard Show.
04:03 Thank you for being here.
04:04 Behind you guys, the human fish, not cutting hair tonight,
04:06 but Zach, I don't know if you're familiar with this guy.
04:08 He's from the sea, and he's trying
04:11 to figure out the world of men.
04:12 [LAUGHTER]
04:14 Human fish.
04:15 Human fish.
04:15 Human fish.
04:16 What's on your mind right now?
04:17 I don't know what you're doing.
04:19 Nice to meet you.
04:20 Nice to meet you.
04:21 Human fish, what's on your mind right now?
04:25 Donkey punch.
04:26 Donkey punch.
04:27 Versus Don Quixote.
04:29 Versus Don Quixote.
04:30 [LAUGHTER]
04:32 And who wins?
04:33 Don Quixote.
04:34 Don Quixote.
04:35 [APPLAUSE]
04:37 That's all he does.
04:38 That is what he does.
04:39 And our old friend Beef Jerky is here as the human barber
04:42 ball tonight.
04:43 He is the human barber ball in our barbershop.
04:46 And the world's greatest dancer, Rob Malone, in Hot Dog Paris
04:48 are spinning him.
04:51 Beef Jerky.
04:51 Beef Jerky.
04:53 Beef Jerky.
04:54 You are not allowed to get off that platform,
04:56 or you will ruin the show.
04:59 All right, so ladies and gentlemen,
05:00 let's go ahead and meet the people who are getting
05:02 their haircut tonight.
05:03 Is Chris here?
05:04 Chris, I saw Chris.
05:05 How are you?
05:06 Welcome, Chris.
05:07 [APPLAUSE]
05:08 Go ahead, grab a seat.
05:09 We have a garbage bag seat.
05:10 You can wear a smock wherever you want to go.
05:12 Is Ed here?
05:12 A man named Ed.
05:13 I never met Ed.
05:14 Ed never told me his last name or anything.
05:16 Ed, welcome.
05:17 Oh, you've got a beard as well.
05:19 Ed, welcome.
05:20 Feel free, grab a chair.
05:21 And then is Megan here?
05:23 A lady.
05:23 We have a lady named Megan.
05:25 Did Megan come?
05:26 What's her name?
05:27 No, it's Megan.
05:28 Did Megan no show?
05:29 Sure.
05:30 Sure.
05:31 Oh, is Megan here, but is she hesitant?
05:32 No, I'm not.
05:33 I'm a different Megan.
05:35 [LAUGHTER]
05:36 You're saying you're a different Megan.
05:39 What's your last-- wait, what's your last name?
05:42 Ross.
05:42 Oh, that's not you.
05:43 Did Megan really no show?
05:45 I invited the Megan.
05:46 I think she didn't show.
05:47 Look at that beard that she's got.
05:48 No, Mary no show.
05:49 [LAUGHTER]
05:50 Do we have anyone who would like to last minute replace Megan?
05:54 No, not Andres.
05:55 Oh, yeah, there's a young lady.
05:57 A young lady.
05:57 What's your name?
05:58 Bianca.
05:59 Bianca, you're sure you want to get your hair cut?
06:01 Why the fuck not?
06:02 Why the fuck not?
06:03 Please, come forward.
06:04 [APPLAUSE]
06:05 And then Jonathan.
06:06 Is Jonathan here?
06:07 Jonathan, come on up.
06:08 So nice to meet you.
06:10 All right.
06:10 All right.
06:11 Oh, God.
06:12 So Bianca--
06:13 Why the fuck not?
06:14 OK.
06:14 So Jonathan-- all right.
06:15 So welcome to the show, everybody.
06:17 Hi.
06:17 Jonathan, do you want to put this on to catch the hair?
06:20 Thank you so much.
06:21 And then--
06:22 I'm trusting you.
06:24 OK.
06:25 Zach, you'll be cutting this young lady's hair.
06:27 You'll be cutting this lady's hair.
06:29 I'll be cutting Jonathan.
06:30 Jonathan, you have a really wonderful jufro.
06:32 Thank you so much.
06:33 [APPLAUSE]
06:34 So everybody get ready.
06:36 And yeah, we have a book of hairstyles.
06:40 I don't know if you guys want to look--
06:41 It's just like hostile.
06:43 Yeah, so it's like hostile in many ways.
06:46 So we have-- if anybody wants to choose like hairstyles,
06:50 we've got the Jim Jones.
06:53 We've got the John Wayne Gacy.
06:56 We can go through the Captain Kangaroo.
07:00 Or we can just wing it, whatever you guys want.
07:02 [LAUGHTER]
07:05 I'll be 180.
07:08 Jonathan just said that would be a 180 for me.
07:11 [LAUGHTER]
07:14 OK.
07:15 Well, why don't we just get started?
07:17 I feel like we've got a hit-by right here.
07:19 Oh, perhaps.
07:21 We've got very little.
07:22 Zach, Bianca, I want to warn you.
07:23 Zach has immediately picked up clippers, not scissors.
07:28 Panelists, all our hair cutting equipment's back here.
07:30 Don't worry, darling.
07:31 This is for your mom's death.
07:33 Let's do it.
07:34 Let's everybody--
07:35 I'll do it with my mom.
07:36 Murph, Maxine, Shannon.
07:37 OK, Jonathan, anything you want to go for?
07:39 Go nuts.
07:40 Go nuts.
07:41 Jonathan has said go nuts.
07:42 [INTERPOSING VOICES]
07:43 OK.
07:44 Is that a real question?
07:45 Yeah.
07:45 What was the question?
07:47 Don't fuck my life up.
07:49 You're going to get your hair cut, Bianca.
07:51 Fuck my life up.
07:52 Well, is there a particular style you would like?
07:54 [LAUGHTER]
07:55 Quiet in the studio, please.
07:56 Quiet in the studio.
07:57 I went to--
07:58 I prefer--
07:59 [LAUGHTER]
08:02 [INTERPOSING VOICES]
08:06 I don't think I have to do much.
08:08 [LAUGHTER]
08:10 That would be the practical style.
08:14 OK, so Zach, you're going to keep it real light.
08:16 Yeah, real light.
08:17 OK.
08:18 Real light.
08:18 [LAUGHTER]
08:19 OK.
08:19 OK.
08:20 All right.
08:20 [LAUGHTER]
08:21 Thank you for doing this, Jonathan.
08:22 OK.
08:23 It looks like I'm going to get the first cut in.
08:25 I think you look good a little short, though.
08:27 I think a little short.
08:29 [CHEERING]
08:31 [LAUGHTER]
08:34 Oh my god.
08:35 [CHEERING]
08:37 [LAUGHTER]
08:39 [CHEERING]
08:42 [LAUGHTER]
08:44 [CHEERING]
08:48 [LAUGHTER]
08:49 Bianca, it looks great.
08:51 Bianca, it looks great.
08:53 Bianca, it looks really great.
08:54 I'm going to look good.
08:55 I promise you.
08:55 I'm going to look good.
08:56 It looks wonderful.
08:56 I cut my own hair.
08:57 Oh my god.
08:58 [SCREAMING]
08:59 [LAUGHTER]
09:01 Stop it now.
09:02 No, that's not what's saving it.
09:04 Yeah, you're fine.
09:05 Just don't turn.
09:06 Hold on.
09:06 People are already feeling bad for Bianca.
09:09 Stop feeling bad.
09:11 A little flute music.
09:12 A little-- let's everybody calm down in the studio, please.
09:15 Let's listen to the calming tones of a flute.
09:18 [LAUGHTER]
09:20 Everything's going to be OK.
09:21 And Bianca, you look great.
09:23 No, I don't.
09:24 I know I don't.
09:25 You're regretting this.
09:27 No, I just know I don't look good.
09:29 No, it's going to look good.
09:31 A Maury Povid show?
09:32 [LAUGHTER]
09:34 It's just hair.
09:34 You're not the father.
09:35 I'm not.
09:36 You're not the father.
09:37 OK.
09:37 Let's go ahead.
09:38 Let's go to the phones.
09:39 If we can all calm down.
09:41 Our first call of tonight.
09:42 Let's everybody keep it call steady.
09:44 Call stead.
09:44 Our old friend is on the line.
09:46 [MUSIC - THE BAND, "CALL STEADY"]
09:48 (SINGING) Left all day, your feet feeling itch.
09:51 It's so good to come home to your friend the cat.
09:55 Ay, ay, ay, ay, yo.
09:57 You got to keep it down steady.
10:00 Zach, you might not know this.
10:02 Call stead's one of our regular callers, and he loves couches.
10:05 Oh, OK.
10:06 Call stead, how are you feeling tonight?
10:08 Ay.
10:09 Welcome back to 59th Street.
10:13 This is Zach.
10:16 Very happy to hear from you.
10:18 Very happy to be home at 59th Street.
10:21 Did you have any advice on how the haircuts are going?
10:23 Things you want to see?
10:25 Well, I just want to say hi to Mr. Bruce, the barber,
10:27 big cake.
10:29 I want to say hi to Mr. Birdman.
10:31 Mr. Birdman?
10:32 Who's Mr.--
10:33 I just wanted to say that I think
10:34 you're the greatest talk show host since Mr. George Fulton.
10:37 Thank you.
10:39 Thank you so much.
10:40 All right.
10:40 Now, call stead.
10:41 Oh, that flute is really beautiful.
10:43 It's nice, isn't it?
10:44 It is.
10:45 It's really wonderful.
10:46 We've been working together for 10 years.
10:47 Really?
10:48 And it's just like a personal flout-a situation?
10:50 Yeah, he travels with me all over the world.
10:51 Wow.
10:52 Yeah.
10:52 That's-- you guys must have been on many adventures
10:55 and seen a lot of things.
10:56 We've been all over the world together.
10:57 Yeah.
10:58 We've been to South Carolina.
11:02 You are a North Carolina native, I believe.
11:04 That's right.
11:04 But we went to South Carolina.
11:06 Wonderful.
11:07 Please get your story straight.
11:09 So call stead, any haircut advice tonight?
11:11 You're so bullshit.
11:12 It looks really good.
11:13 Well, I think you should give a good,
11:15 like, tiny Barbra Streisand haircut.
11:18 Oh, make someone look like Barbra Streisand.
11:20 OK.
11:20 Very good advice.
11:21 I have a question.
11:22 Yes.
11:23 Do you have a job you'd like us to do?
11:25 [LAUGHTER]
11:26 Holy shit, wait.
11:27 Ed, can you turn to your left, please?
11:29 Can we get a close-up?
11:31 [CHEERING]
11:36 Ed, just hold it.
11:37 Ed, hold on, Shannon.
11:38 Don't touch Ed.
11:39 Just look to the left, and let's get a close-up
11:41 on the right side of Ed's head.
11:42 Let's just hang out for a bit.
11:44 How about that?
11:45 Yeah.
11:45 I'm good for a while.
11:46 OK.
11:47 It's got to be a fade.
11:48 Very nice.
11:48 Call stead, great hearing from you.
11:50 Let's go to Jackie in New York, our old friend.
11:52 Jackie, how are you?
11:54 Good.
11:55 How are you?
11:55 I can't read.
11:56 I'm good.
11:57 I'm really good.
11:57 We're cutting hair.
11:58 Jonathan has a ton of hair.
11:59 I've cut a big pile of hair, and it looks
12:01 like I've cut none of his hair.
12:02 [LAUGHTER]
12:04 Yeah, I know.
12:04 It's like you did.
12:05 Oh, my god.
12:06 Did you cut all of this?
12:07 [LAUGHTER]
12:12 Jackie, sorry about that.
12:13 I can't tell.
12:14 Bianca, Bianca's stressed out a little bit.
12:16 And--
12:16 No, she looks so pretty.
12:18 And her dress is so pretty, so it doesn't matter what I say.
12:21 That's right.
12:21 That's right.
12:22 All right, I'll take it.
12:23 [LAUGHTER]
12:24 It doesn't matter.
12:25 You have a certain sparkle no matter what happens.
12:27 It's very true.
12:28 Is it like you're fixing a bag off?
12:30 No, that's to keep the hair from--
12:32 No, it's for talking.
12:33 That's to keep--
12:34 [LAUGHTER]
12:38 It's for being a woman.
12:41 It is.
12:41 It is a very pretty dress, but there's
12:43 a lot of hair flying around now.
12:44 We wouldn't want to soil her dress with too much hair.
12:46 No, but it's like hair.
12:47 It's not like you're getting it wet or you're getting it
12:49 light or anything.
12:50 Yeah, no, I think we're all on the same page, Jackie.
12:52 I am not your enemy.
12:53 [LAUGHTER]
12:54 I'm not fighting with you, Grant.
12:57 I'm not fighting with you.
12:58 I understand.
12:59 I understand.
13:00 So do you have any advice for the haircuts, the specifics
13:02 we should go towards with these people here tonight?
13:05 Well, I just want to say I got a really bad haircut one time,
13:08 and there was a bad song playing.
13:10 And every time I heard that song afterwards, I got PTSD.
13:14 So maybe she shouldn't ever listen to the flute again
13:18 or anything.
13:19 Bianca, any time you hear a flute from now on,
13:21 you're going to think of this.
13:22 Fuck!
13:23 No Jethro Tull for me.
13:25 None.
13:26 Does Jethro Tull employ flute often?
13:29 He does.
13:30 Yeah, on one flute.
13:31 I don't listen to Jethro Tull.
13:33 You should.
13:34 No, you shouldn't.
13:35 You should.
13:36 I'm not going to.
13:38 Jackie, thank you so much for the call.
13:39 So how's everybody doing?
13:40 Do you have a paper towel?
13:41 No, we have none.
13:43 Maybe we can get some.
13:44 Can we?
13:45 Jersey Dave, immediately.
13:46 Jersey Dave is on the case, man.
13:47 Immediately.
13:49 Can you believe that?
13:50 Dude, you say the words paper towels and Jersey Dave is just there.
13:53 Fucking on the ball, man.
13:55 Yeah, yeah.
13:56 So Zach, it looks like you're--are you done?
13:59 Yeah, I think--
14:00 I'm okay.
14:01 I think it looks really good right now.
14:02 Okay, Bianca, do you want to maybe stand and maybe we can rotate and get the full--
14:06 Fair enough.
14:07 Can I take the bag off now?
14:08 If you want to, yeah.
14:09 Usually men don't ask me to, but I think I'll--
14:10 Can I double bag?
14:11 Oh, Jonathan wants to double bag.
14:12 Jonathan, how do you feel about shaving it?
14:14 I love that.
14:15 Can I keep it?
14:16 I'm going to keep it.
14:17 It's the only thing in it, actually.
14:19 Thank you so much.
14:20 Want to double bag?
14:21 It's safer.
14:22 It is safer.
14:23 All right, who do I rotate to?
14:24 If you just want--our camera will get a close-up if you just want to stand.
14:27 Oh, wow.
14:28 [laughter]
14:29 [applause]
14:36 Wow.
14:37 Wow.
14:38 [laughter]
14:40 Wow.
14:41 I really appreciate it.
14:42 You're welcome.
14:43 Wow.
14:44 That's called a layered look.
14:45 It's layered.
14:46 Bianca, it's definitely layered.
14:47 It's definitely layered.
14:48 It's definitely layered.
14:49 Fuck you.
14:50 Fuck me!
14:51 What did I do?
14:52 What did I do?
14:53 In the best way possible.
14:54 [applause]
14:55 Okay, okay.
14:56 Thank you.
14:57 Thank you.
14:58 All right.
14:59 Okay.
15:00 Zach, are you done cutting hair?
15:01 Do you want another volunteer?
15:02 Well, I don't want to overstep my--
15:03 Andres.
15:04 No, Andres is a minor.
15:05 We can't do it.
15:06 Anybody.
15:07 Somebody who's never appeared on the show before.
15:08 Anybody?
15:09 Get that guy right there.
15:10 If you want to, you can.
15:11 You can.
15:12 You can.
15:13 You can.