TV-G | 30min | Comedy, Drama, Family, Music, TV Series | Episode aired 2 October 1963
Martin mistakenly believes that the family is trying to hide the fact that Patty and Richard are going to sneak off and get married. But Cathy's hiccups give them away.
Director: William Asher
Writers: Sidney Sheldon, William Asher
Stars: Patty Duke, William Schallert, Jean Byron
Martin mistakenly believes that the family is trying to hide the fact that Patty and Richard are going to sneak off and get married. But Cathy's hiccups give them away.
Director: William Asher
Writers: Sidney Sheldon, William Asher
Stars: Patty Duke, William Schallert, Jean Byron
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00Any sign of him yet?
00:05Negative. Green light.
00:07Good. Keep watching.
00:08See, there's our route. Lake George is about five miles off the highway.
00:11I've even reserved the same cottage we honeymooned in.
00:14Oh, girl, I think it's the most romantic thing I've ever heard, Aunt Natalie.
00:17Sneaky-wise, it's great.
00:19Sneaky-wise or not, we're turning your father's birthday into a vacation.
00:22If he won't take one himself, we're going to take it for him.
00:25Pop's a managing editor. Why doesn't he manage to get himself a vacation?
00:28Because something always comes up.
00:30But this time, we're not giving him a chance to say no.
00:33We're going to keep this a complete surprise.
00:35I'm packing the suitcases and shipping them on ahead.
00:37I've arranged for the cabin, the boat...
00:39We forgot the fishing license.
00:41You're right. Can you pick one up tomorrow after school?
00:43Sure. I'll spring for it with my own loot.
00:46It'll be my contribution to the birthday bid.
00:48You know, he still talks about the speckled trout he caught on our honeymoon.
00:51Come to think of it, that's all he talks about.
00:54Red light!
00:59Hi, family.
01:01Hello, Uncle Martin.
01:03Hi, Kat.
01:05Say, I'm sorry I'm late.
01:07I got held up.
01:09There was a South American revolution I got involved in.
01:12Oh, you look tired, darling.
01:14Well, I am tired.
01:16Why don't you take a vacation?
01:18Ow!
01:20Nothing.
01:22Let's eat.
01:24Yeah. We're having speckled trout for dinner.
01:27What's the matter with you?
01:29Nothing.
01:34What's the matter with you?
01:36What's the matter with you?
01:56What's the matter with you?
01:58What's the matter with you?
02:00What's the matter with you?
02:02What's the matter with you?
02:04What's the matter with you?
02:06What's the matter with you?
02:08What's the matter with you?
02:10What's the matter with you?
02:12What's the matter with you?
02:14What's the matter with you?
02:16What's the matter with you?
02:18What's the matter with you?
02:20What's the matter with you?
02:22What's the matter with you?
02:24What's the matter with you?
02:46Try to get a picture of the girl.
02:48And get a statement from her family.
02:50Now, hit the human interest angle.
02:52suspected what she was going to do, whether they knew the boy, and so on.
02:55Let's milk it.
02:57I'm gonna do an editorial on it.
02:59You send your copy in as fast as you can.
03:01Right.
03:03The world caved in yet?
03:04It's caving, J.R. Do you see this?
03:07Fourteen-year-old girl in New Jersey eloped with a folk singer.
03:10Oh, that's terrible.
03:12Folk singer.
03:13Do you realize the increase there's been in teenage marriages in the last five years?
03:17They're up over 30%.
03:19Well, that's not too bad, considering there's been over 100% increase in folk singers.
03:24Kids today think of marriage as a kind of a game.
03:27They take on responsibilities they're not equipped to handle emotionally, mentally, or economically.
03:31Sounds like an editorial.
03:33That's exactly what it is.
03:34And I'm not gonna blame the kids. I'm blaming their parents.
03:38Well, I'll see if the mayor has any comment on it.
03:40I'm having lunch today at City Hall.
03:43See you later, Martin.
03:44Right.
03:46Folk singer.
03:48Flies in the buttermilk, shoo, shoo, shoo.
03:58There you are.
03:59One fishing license.
04:02That'll be three dollars.
04:11Do you really think you can keep a secret from your dad?
04:13Sure.
04:14Slide.
04:16You can see we do a booming business here, Mr. Castle.
04:19Why, this is our third biggest week for marriages.
04:22It's incredible how young some of them really are.
04:25Martin was right. They're just babies.
04:27Oh, there's Patty Lane.
04:28Who?
04:29My managing editor's daughter. Excuse me, I must say hello.
04:31Patty?
04:32But you know the father figure.
04:33If he got wind of this, he'd kill her.
04:35He doesn't believe in it.
04:37Do you want me to keep the license for you?
04:38No. I have a place to hide it.
04:40How about the honeymoon cabin?
04:42It's all set.
04:43We'll zip up Saturday.
04:44We'll use ho-dad's heave, and we'll tell him we're just going for a little spin.
04:53Oh, J.R.
04:54Just finishing my editorial on teenage marriages.
04:57I'd say it wasn't the moment too soon, Martin.
04:59Now listen to this.
05:01It's time that we place the blame squarely where it belongs.
05:04Not on the frail, inexperienced shoulders of the newlyweds,
05:07but on the broad backs of the mothers and fathers
05:09who allow these situations to develop under their very noses in ignorance.
05:13And there's more.
05:15That's what I've come to tell you.
05:17Oh, you talked to the mayor.
05:19Did you get some information for me?
05:20Some.
05:21Your daughter's getting married Saturday.
05:27For a minute, it sounded as though you said my daughter was getting married on Saturday.
05:30I did.
05:31I saw her at the Marriage License Bureau.
05:34And you thought...
05:36Well, Patty was at the Marriage License Bureau.
05:38She was probably there with a friend.
05:40She certainly was.
05:41And I heard him advise her to hide the marriage license at the Honeymoon Lodge
05:46until they got there on Saturday.
05:47And if you're a whole dad, they're using your heap to get there.
05:52It's true. I'll put a stop to it, of course, but...
05:54Oh, in my opinion, that would be a most unfortunate approach.
05:59You have a better suggestion?
06:01Well, I've had some experience in these matters.
06:04You're dealing here, Martin, with adolescent emotions at a white-hot pitch.
06:08You have no idea how delicate this situation is.
06:12I would advise you to handle it very carefully.
06:15You would?
06:16I certainly would.
06:18The usual procedure in these unfortunate occurrences
06:21is for the blundering parents to rush in and forbid the marriage.
06:25The pages of history are strewn with the bodies of star-crossed lovers.
06:31Patty, a star-crossed lover?
06:34She's hardly learned to roller skate.
06:37Perhaps they don't intend to do a lot of roller skating.
06:41Come on in, J.R.
06:43I'm sure there's some logical explanation for all this. I mean...
06:47Kathy'll know the answer.
06:49There are no secrets between Patty and her.
06:51If Patty were going to elope, Kathy would know about it.
06:54I'll ask her.
06:56Kathy?
06:56What makes you think she's gonna tell you the truth?
06:59She doesn't have to. I'll know.
07:01See, Kathy's got a built-in lie detector.
07:04Whenever she says something that's not true, she hiccups.
07:07Kath?
07:08Hello, Uncle Martin.
07:10You're home early.
07:11Yeah, I had something to attend to.
07:12Uh, you know Mr. Castle.
07:14Yes, hello. It's nice to see you again, Mr. Castle.
07:16Kathy, you're looking very well.
07:19Where's your Aunt Natalie?
07:20She went shopping.
07:22And Patty?
07:23Patty?
07:26She's at her cross class.
07:29Excuse me.
07:30Kathy, is she alone?
07:33Who?
07:35The girl we're talking about, your cousin Patty.
07:38Oh.
07:40Yes.
07:46Did Patty say anything to you about any special plans for Saturday?
07:53Saturday?
07:54Yeah.
07:56Saturday?
07:57Yeah.
07:59No.
08:16I'll kill him.
08:17When I get my hands on him, whoever he is, I'll...
08:22Do you think you could identify him if you saw him again?
08:25Well, it would be a difficult face to forget.
08:27He was a peculiar looking boy.
08:29Moved around like a perturbed pelican.
08:31He was tall and thin.
08:33And looked a lot like, uh...
08:37Him.
08:39Him?
08:40Well, it couldn't be him.
08:42I mean, that's Richard.
08:44Nobody would marry Richard.
08:46Why not?
08:48Well, it's just out of the question, that's all.
08:50He...
08:51He mowed my lawn last summer.
08:54You think my daughter would marry a gardener?
08:56Well, what does he do when he's not gardening?
08:58He eats.
08:59He lives in my refrigerator.
09:01I've been practically supporting that boy for two years,
09:03but I'll be hanged if I'm going to make it legal.
09:05Getting excited about it isn't going to help anything.
09:07Well, wouldn't you get excited if he was going to be your son-in-law?
09:10Do you know what his income is per week?
09:12Ten dollars.
09:14I wouldn't buy Patty's bubble gum.
09:17Now, wait a minute.
09:19We're getting carried away, J.R.
09:22There's some perfectly innocent explanation for this whole thing.
09:25Patty thinks of me as a quaint old man from the Stone Age,
09:28but she genuinely loves me.
09:30She wouldn't do Richard to me.
09:33There must be an easy way of establishing the truth.
09:37You mean go out and confront them?
09:39What sort of a newspaper man are you?
09:41I mean, we spy on them.
09:43Spy on my own daughter?
09:45It's better than babysitting.
09:48Let's go.
09:52I'd love to see the Speaker of the House when he makes the scene.
09:55He'll have to scrape him off the moon.
09:57What did they say?
09:59That I'd do for a big shock?
10:01You know, we should be halfway there by the time Pop knows he's been hacked.
10:05Any questions?
10:09If he weren't so stubborn, we wouldn't have to do this sneaky peep bit.
10:12This will kill poor Natalie.
10:14Patty, did you get the license check?
10:16Yeah, you should have seen the line.
10:18Looked like everybody in town.
10:20I paid for it with my own money.
10:22Isn't that right, Richard?
10:24Let's hide it before your father runs across it.
10:26I've already got it stashed.
10:28My own wife. She's in on it.
10:30I don't like Patty paying for the license.
10:33It doesn't owe you well for the marriage.
10:36I've arranged with Mr. Landers to mail the key to the cottage and to the boat.
10:40Now tomorrow, you get the suitcases out of the garage without your father seeing you,
10:44and I'll start packing.
10:47Shh.
10:49It's nap time.
10:51I'll help her.
10:53You know, I can't wait for Saturday.
10:55I wish you were here already.
10:57I'm sorry I had to open up this Pandora's box, Martin.
10:59But it's better to know the truth.
11:01You know what hurts most, J.R.?
11:03That they could do this to me behind my back.
11:07My own wife and my daughter and my niece treating me like I was an outsider.
11:11Well, I'm gonna have it out with Natalie.
11:13In my opinion, you'd be making a terrible mistake.
11:17Why?
11:18Well, I imagine the reason they didn't come to you in the first place
11:21is because they're afraid of you.
11:23Afraid of me?
11:24Well, it's nonsense.
11:25All Patty had to do was come to me and tell me that she wanted to marry Richard.
11:29I'm a reasonable man.
11:30What would you have done?
11:32I'd have killed her.
11:35You can still stop her, Martin.
11:37She's a minor. She's got to get your permission.
11:40She's got her mother's permission.
11:42I guess they expected me to read about it in the marriage notices.
11:46Patty is just a baby, J.R.
11:48She's not ready to get married yet.
11:50Nobody's ready to get married to Richard.
11:53Well, maybe this boy's got some quality you've overlooked.
11:55Perhaps you're being unfair to him.
11:57Unfair? To Richard?
12:03Try to get to know him, Martin.
12:06And then you can bore from within.
12:10I've got a better idea.
12:12I'm gonna scare him out of the marriage.
12:16Okay, there. I gotta split.
12:19Bye.
12:20Don't go, Richard.
12:22I'd like you to meet Mr. Castle, the publisher of the Chronicle.
12:25This is Richard Harrison.
12:27Like, hi.
12:28Good.
12:30Come on into the living room, Richard, and sit down.
12:33You're inviting me into your living room?
12:35Yes, I thought we could have a little chat.
12:37Come on.
12:38Okay.
12:44How do you do, sir?
12:45How do you do?
12:46Make yourself comfortable.
12:48You know, we've never really had a chance to get to know one another, Richard.
12:51I suppose that's my fault.
12:53Yeah.
12:55The point is that I think it's high time we did get to know one another.
12:58You know, man to man.
13:00This isn't gonna be the birds and the bees bit, is it, Mr. Lane?
13:03The birds and the bees bit?
13:05Because my father image and I already ran that.
13:08I don't know much about your family, son.
13:12You don't mind if I call you son, do you?
13:15Not if it gives you pleasure.
13:16What does your father do?
13:19He's a brick and mortar type.
13:21He does the expressway bit and all that kind of movement.
13:24Did you say his father does?
13:26He's a highway construction engineer.
13:28Oh.
13:30Is your father a wealthy man?
13:32Prop swing's pretty good with the loot.
13:35Maybe your father's planning to take you into his business.
13:38That's for me.
13:39I'd love being a cement jockey.
13:41Then it's all settled.
13:42Yeah.
13:43He won't have me.
13:45What's your present income?
13:46Five hundred dollars.
13:48Five hundred dollars a what?
13:50A year.
13:53So what it boils down to is that in the course of the next year,
13:56your income will be ten dollars a week.
13:58Oh, no, sir.
13:59In the summer, I earn my own money.
14:01I cut grass.
14:02I know.
14:03Were you under the impression that you and Patty
14:06could live on that amount of money?
14:08No, sir. Were you?
14:09Not for one instant.
14:11Nor was I under the impression that I was going to support you.
14:14I mean, why should you?
14:15Exactly. Why should I?
14:16Can you support Patty?
14:18I thought you were supporting her.
14:20Well, you thought wrong.
14:21You'll have to support her.
14:22I will?
14:23You know, getting married is a major responsibility at your age.
14:27It sure is.
14:28Well, I want you to think very seriously about it.
14:31You mean about me and Patty?
14:34That's exactly what I mean.
14:37Oh, sure, if that's what you want.
14:40Well, I'm glad we had this little chat.
14:45So am I. Thanks a lot, Mr. Lane.
14:48Sure had you figured all wrong.
14:55Goodbye, Mr. Palace.
14:57Castle.
14:58Funny, I had this system for memorizing names and...
15:06Bye.
15:10Well, I'd kill him.
15:21You know, you haven't said two words all evening.
15:24Still worried about South America?
15:26North America.
15:27Well, I'm glad you were able to get home early this afternoon.
15:30So am I.
15:32I wish your work didn't put you under such a terrible strain, darling.
15:36I imagine everybody around here's been under a terrible strain.
15:40I've been worrying about you.
15:41Oh, I'm sure you have.
15:43Well, perhaps one of these days you can get away and take a little vacation.
15:46Wouldn't that be nice?
15:48Yeah, then we could relax and exchange confidences.
15:51Tell one another all our secrets.
15:53Secrets?
15:55Well, if there were any to tell, I mean.
15:57Of course, I'm old-fashioned, Natalie.
15:59I've always felt that the fabric that held the family together was honesty.
16:02That husbands and wives shouldn't keep secrets from one another.
16:05Oh, I agree, but sometimes the only way to manage things is to do a little secret plotting.
16:12Well, I'm going up to bed, dear.
16:14Tommy?
16:15No, I'm going to sit here and drink my milk.
16:17Good night, dear.
16:19Yeah.
16:27Over my dead body.
16:30Come on in, J.R.
16:32I got here as fast as I could.
16:34Shh.
16:36Come on out in the kitchen. I'll give you a cup of coffee.
16:38I didn't sleep a wink all night.
16:40What happened?
16:41Natalie came right out and admitted the whole thing.
16:43No.
16:44I couldn't believe it.
16:45She said that sometimes the only way to get things done is to do a little secret plotting.
16:50It's frightening that you can live with one of them for nearly 20 years and not really know them.
16:54You must repent this marriage at all costs.
16:57You were the one who was telling me that there might be something to that boy.
17:00That's right, there is, and I've seen it.
17:02You must prevent this marriage at all costs.
17:05Not all the bodies of lovers that are strewn through the pages of history.
17:09That might not be a bad solution.
17:11There isn't a jury in the world would convict you.
17:14I can't tell you how much I appreciate your coming over here and giving me your moral support, J.R.
17:18Anything I can do, old boy.
17:21That's probably the minister.
17:31How do you do?
17:32I'm, uh, Ted Lance.
17:34Yes.
17:36I brought the keys to the cabin.
17:38The honeymoon cabin?
17:40Yes.
17:41I was going to mail them, but Mrs. Lane told me how top secret it was.
17:45I don't know.
17:46Yes.
17:47I was going to mail them, but Mrs. Lane told me how top secret it was.
17:50So I decided to bring them myself.
17:53You've made a brilliant secret agent.
17:56I told Mrs. Lane how lucky she was.
17:58It was the last cabin on the lake.
18:01Oh, and here's the key to the boat.
18:04I think you'll find everything satisfactory up there.
18:07Did they get the license?
18:08Oh, yes.
18:09They got the license all right.
18:11Good.
18:12Good.
18:13We wouldn't want any trouble on that.
18:14They're very strict up there.
18:16It's a beautiful place.
18:18Quiet.
18:19And secluded.
18:21Are you fond of secluded, quiet places, Mr. Landers?
18:25Me?
18:26Oh, my.
18:27Yes.
18:28Well, that's fortunate.
18:29You may be spending the next seven years in one.
18:33The kids you rented that cabin to are underage.
18:37Kids?
18:38Underage?
18:39Why, Mrs. Lane didn't say anything about...
18:42I'm telling you.
18:45Well, thank you, gentlemen.
18:48The honeymoon cabin is no longer available.
18:50Don't forget the key to the boat.
18:52Good morning.
18:55That takes care of their honeymoon plans.
18:57Well done, Martin.
18:58And while I'm at it, I've got another little spike to put in Cupid's quiver.
19:05I'm going to make sure that Hodad's heap is unavailable.
19:09Honeymoon cabin at the lake.
19:11Nice, secluded spot.
19:13I know Patty is a rebellious child, but Richard is ridiculous.
19:16I beg your pardon?
19:17Oh, is this the Sunset Garage?
19:19Now, this is Mr. Lane.
19:21Say, Eddie wanted to do some work on my transmission.
19:23I told him I was going to need the car.
19:25Well, I've changed my mind, so tell him he can pick it up anytime he wants.
19:29No, he can have it over the whole weekend.
19:31We're not going anywhere.
19:37They can't go anywhere without a heap.
19:39Car.
19:40Oh, brilliant, brilliant, Martin.
19:43These are the heaviest empty suitcases I've ever seen.
19:48Why don't we just take them in through the front door?
19:50Because the parent hasn't gone to work yet.
19:52Mama doesn't want them to see him.
19:54Now for the last step.
19:56What's that?
19:57I'm going to disable the groom.
20:01You think a three-day vacation would be long enough for your father?
20:04What do you mean?
20:05Have you talked to him lately?
20:07He's driving himself into Flipsville.
20:10What'd he say?
20:12Just what do you think you're doing?
20:15Fixing the window.
20:16Borrowing water.
20:21Kathy said you wanted to see me.
20:23Oh, hello, J.R.
20:25Natalie.
20:27Is anything wrong?
20:29I just wanted you to know that your little scheme was finished.
20:32Over. Kaput.
20:33What little scheme?
20:34Oh, it's too late to play innocent, Natalie.
20:36I'm talking about Saturday.
20:38Remember the license, the honeymoon cabin at the lake?
20:41Hodad's heap?
20:43You found out.
20:44You bet I did.
20:46Who's the stool pigeon?
20:48I didn't sing.
20:52Kathy!
20:53No, I'm afraid I'm the stool pigeon, Natalie.
20:57You found out and told Martin?
20:59I had no alternative.
21:00And they say women can't keep a secret.
21:03Oh, well, we tried.
21:05I'm sorry the surprise is gone, but it really doesn't matter.
21:08We can still go ahead with our plans.
21:11That's where you're wrong.
21:12I canceled the honeymoon cabin and the boat
21:14and sent the heap in for repairs.
21:16Martin, that was the last cabin.
21:19I know.
21:20And he handled it beautifully.
21:23How could you? I thought you'd love it.
21:25Did you really?
21:26Well, you thought wrong.
21:28When my only daughter gets married,
21:30I'm not gonna have her sneaking off with someone behind my back.
21:33Would you mind repeating that?
21:35Patty is not getting married this Saturday
21:37or any other Saturday.
21:39At least not for a few years.
21:41So your little scheme didn't work.
21:45Oh, you found out that Patty was getting married.
21:49I sure did.
21:52Oh, well, we tried.
21:56Oh, yeah.
21:57I didn't.
21:59It's always a fatal mistake to underestimate one's adversary.
22:03Oh, I can see that now, Martin.
22:05I should have let you in on Patty's marriage from the beginning.
22:07Would have been nice.
22:10I thought I covered all my tracks.
22:11How did you get on to it?
22:13I saw them buying the license.
22:16Oh, that explains it.
22:18Imagine.
22:19Little slip like that.
22:21And now one last thing.
22:23Let's destroy that license.
22:27Mom, how you gonna let him say that?
22:29He's done everything else.
22:30Get him the license.
22:40Mom!
22:45I'm sorry, Richard.
22:46Well done, Martin.
22:48Pop, I wish you were...
22:49You sit down, young lady.
22:51You and I'll have a long private talk later.
22:55I'm gonna be charitable.
22:57I don't mind admitting that this has hurt me very, very deeply.
23:01But I'm sure that all of you are feeling pretty ashamed of yourselves right now,
23:04so I'm not gonna rub it in.
23:06This will end the incident.
23:09And I hope it's a lesson you'll never forget.
23:18This is a fishing license.
23:22It's made out to me.
23:24I paid for it with my own money.
23:27Right, Richard?
23:29What for?
23:30For you to catch your speckled trout with,
23:32the way you did on our honeymoon.
23:34You mean that this is the license that Patty and Richard...
23:40We wanted you to have a vacation at Lake George for your birthday.
23:43The cottage is the same one you and I had for our honeymoon.
23:46Well, I think I'll be pushing along now.
23:48By the way, Martin, why don't you take the weekend off?
23:51Do you good.
23:52Happy birthday.
24:04THE END
24:08Gee, it was nice of Mr. Landers to send these trout down to us.
24:11He felt terrible when I explained what happened.
24:14I wish somebody had explained it to me.
24:18Oh, well, these misunderstandings do occur, you know.
24:21Well, at least you have your fish.
24:23And barbecues are fun.
24:25Boy, they're beauts, Dad.
24:27I think those trout are about done, Martin.
24:29You think so?
24:30Oh, yes.
24:31I'll give you a hand. Speed things up a little.
24:34I have a homework for art class tomorrow.
24:36I'm doing a wedding scene.
24:37Really?
24:38Everything is done but the wedding gown.
24:40I have to have the wedding gown done by tomorrow, or it'll be too late.
24:43I can't wait to see it.
24:46Martin!
25:04Here's Kathy who's lived most everywhere
25:08From Zanzibar to Barclays Square
25:11But Patty's only seen the sights
25:13A girl can see from Brooklyn Heights
25:15What a crazy pair
25:17But they're cousins
25:20Identical cousins
25:22And you'll find
25:24They laugh alike
25:25They walk alike
25:26At times they even talk alike
25:28You can lose your mind
25:30When cousins
25:33Are two of a kind