TV-G | 30min | Comedy, Drama, Family, Music, TV Series | Episode aired 13 November 1963
Patty and Cathy unknowingly nominate each other for President of the Girls League. What begins as a friendly rivalry turns into a battle of wills, and some dirty campaigning.
Director: Stanley Prager
Writers: Sidney Sheldon, William Asher
Stars: Patty Duke, William Schallert, Jean Byron
Patty and Cathy unknowingly nominate each other for President of the Girls League. What begins as a friendly rivalry turns into a battle of wills, and some dirty campaigning.
Director: Stanley Prager
Writers: Sidney Sheldon, William Asher
Stars: Patty Duke, William Schallert, Jean Byron
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00♪
00:02Congratulations, Patty.
00:04Thanks!
00:05Congratulations for what?
00:07I don't know.
00:08Hey, how about a movie tonight?
00:09There's a new horror picture at the Ritz.
00:11I'll see if I have enough money.
00:12Let me know.
00:13♪
00:15Congratulations, Patty.
00:16♪
00:18What'd I do?
00:19Maybe you won a sweepstakes or something.
00:23Let's see what the jungle drums are saying.
00:26Hi, Patty.
00:27Congratulations.
00:29What are you talking about?
00:30Haven't you heard?
00:31You're up for the presidency of the Girls League.
00:34Me?
00:35I nominated my cousin Kathy.
00:38Kathy made it too.
00:40How about that?
00:41You and Kathy are running against one another.
00:43♪
00:45Oh, no!
00:46♪
00:50I think it's wonderful having two presidential candidates
00:52under the same roof.
00:54But I couldn't run against Patty.
00:56The Girls League needs someone who's popular.
00:59What they call a wheel.
01:00I'll withdraw.
01:02Oh, no, you'd make a better president than I would.
01:05They need someone with culture.
01:07You've lived all over Europe, you speak French.
01:09I'll withdraw.
01:10Well, just a minute.
01:11If you've both been accepted as nominees,
01:13neither one of you can withdraw.
01:15What's going to stop us?
01:16What do you think would happen to our whole political system
01:19if a nominee withdrew just because he liked his opponent?
01:21You see, you could undermine
01:23the whole structure of our country.
01:24I'm serious.
01:26Which one of you wins is not important.
01:28The important thing is that you get in there and try.
01:31Yeah, beat each other's brains out.
01:34You want Kathy and me to fight one another, Papa?
01:36I'm not sure this is such a good idea, Martin.
01:39Well, there's nothing personal in it.
01:41Politics is a healthy form of competition.
01:43I've covered hundreds of campaigns.
01:45Everybody blows off a lot of steam,
01:47but when it's all over, there aren't any hard feelings.
01:50When you girls were accepted as candidates,
01:53you were given a responsibility to campaign
01:55to the best of your ability.
01:57Well, you owe that to your schoolmates, both of you.
02:00When do you two make your speeches?
02:02We're supposed to fire the opening guns
02:03in our U.S. history class tomorrow.
02:05If you get elected, can I get in on the graft?
02:08Of course.
02:09Doesn't the honor involved make any impression on you?
02:12Uh-uh, only the graft.
02:14Let's go.
02:15Let's go.
02:15Let's go.
02:16Let's go.
02:17Let's go.
02:18Let's go.
02:19Let's go.
02:20Let's go.
02:20Let's go.
02:21Let's go.
02:22Let's go.
02:23Let's go.
02:24Let's go.
02:25Let's go.
02:25Let's go.
02:26♪ Patty's only seen the sights a girl can see
02:28♪ From Brooklyn Heights
02:29♪ What a crazy pair
02:32♪ But they're cousins
02:34♪ Identical cousins all the way
02:39♪ One pair of matching bookends
02:42♪ Different as night and day
02:45♪ Where Kathy adores a minuet
02:48♪ The ballet Russe and Crepe Suzette
02:51♪ Our Patty loves to rock and roll
02:53♪ A hot dog makes her lose control
02:55♪ What a wild duet
02:57♪ Still they're cousins
03:00♪ Identical cousins and you'll find
03:04♪ They laugh alike
03:05♪ They walk alike
03:06♪ At times they even talk alike
03:08♪ You can lose your mind
03:10♪ When cousins
03:12♪ Are two of a kind
03:19Don't worry, Kat.
03:20I'll find an excuse not to rock.
03:22I'll probably flunk in Latin anyway
03:24and they'll disqualify me.
03:25I won't let you fail in Latin.
03:27They need a dynamo like you.
03:29I know I'd make a great president,
03:30but they could use someone with brains like you.
03:33I'd be selfish if I ran.
03:35If you were president,
03:36it would not only be good for the league,
03:38it would be good for you.
03:39What do you mean?
03:40Well, it might help to give you
03:42a sense of responsibility.
03:45Is that so?
03:46Well, there's no point in taking chances
03:49on getting someone's feelings hurt.
03:50It'd be a landslide anyway.
03:52No, it wouldn't.
03:53You'd get a lot of votes, Patty.
03:55I meant it would be a landslide for me.
03:58You?
03:59Don't be silly.
04:01You're not really qualified to be a president.
04:03You said so yourself.
04:04You nominated me because they need
04:06someone with culture and brains.
04:08Well, I was being unselfish too.
04:10I nominated you because I thought
04:12if you became a little more social around the campus,
04:14you might be able to get a date
04:15for the mashed potato ball.
04:16I can get a date anytime I like.
04:18There's just no one I care to go out with.
04:21I nominated you because I thought
04:22it might help you to grow up.
04:23I thought it was time you had a little more
04:25on your mind than milkshakes and Richard Harrison.
04:28Not necessarily in that order.
04:29Oh, really?
04:30All right, you've just got yourself an opponent.
04:33♪♪
04:37I'm not much of a speaker.
04:39In fact, I'm not much of a politician.
04:41My esteemed opponent, Patty, is a wonderful girl.
04:44And she is a go-getter.
04:46The trouble is that when you want her to get,
04:48she's usually too busy going.
04:50It all depends on what qualities
04:51the girls' league wants in a president.
04:53If you're looking for someone who can do the bossa nova
04:55on the baked potato, vote for Patty.
04:58But if you want someone who isn't flighty,
05:00someone who will dedicate herself to the tasks at hand
05:03with intelligence and integrity,
05:05then I ask that you vote for me.
05:08♪♪
05:09-♪♪
05:14And now we'll hear from our next candidate, Patty Lane.
05:18-♪♪
05:21Thank you, Kathy.
05:24Well, at least I know the difference
05:26between the mashed potato and a baked potato.
05:28-♪♪
05:31One is a dance, the other is a vegetable.
05:34One of the most important functions of the girls' league
05:36is to set up extracurricular activities for its members.
05:40Kathy's idea of having a ball is to play chess all night.
05:43-♪♪
05:45If you want chess and classical concerts, elect her.
05:49But if you want a program of real fun, elect me.
05:52-♪♪
05:57And now our third candidate, Susan Baxter.
06:02Vote for me.
06:03-♪♪
06:06And then she called on me, and I got up and talked.
06:09It was the first speech I had ever made.
06:11-♪♪
06:12Were you nervous?
06:13Not after I started.
06:14I'll bet you were smashed.
06:16Well, I did reasonably well, I think.
06:18For someone who was only interested in chess.
06:21I didn't mean that, Kathy.
06:22It was just campaign talk.
06:24You know, like, uh, calling someone flighty.
06:27-♪♪
06:28What did I tell you?
06:29Democracy in action.
06:31-♪♪
06:32And if I'm elected president of the girls' league,
06:35I pledge to fight for more student dances.
06:38-♪♪
06:40We need more guest speakers.
06:43-♪♪
06:45We want more freedom in our choice of clothes.
06:48I say we should be more concerned with curriculum
06:50than with clothes.
06:51Kathy's been living in Europe.
06:52Maybe she'd understand our problems better
06:54if they were in French.
06:55I have a straight A average.
06:56What is Patty's answer to that?
06:58Who has a grind for president?
07:00In two years, we will be going to college.
07:02Let's not elect a president who has milkshakes for brains.
07:05Let's not elect a president
07:06who has milkshakes for brains.
07:08The girls' league should support our school sports.
07:11If Kathy is elected,
07:12we'll all be tripping over cricket wicket.
07:15-♪♪
07:17Vote for me.
07:19-♪♪
07:20-♪♪
07:22Cool bodice, Richard.
07:23Great, Patty.
07:24Course, it's still pretty early.
07:25You know what I think we should do?
07:27What?
07:28Set up a regular campaign headquarters.
07:29The way they do in the national elections.
07:31Crazy, Richard.
07:32With buttons and stickers and everything.
07:34That's a ticket.
07:35And I know just where to set up headquarters.
07:39Good morning.
07:40Yes, again.
07:41Good evening.
07:42Don't look now,
07:43but I think World War III has just broken out.
07:46-♪♪
07:49-♪♪
07:50-♪♪
07:51-♪♪
07:52Welcome to national headquarters.
07:55Yeah, but Patty and Kathy shared this room.
07:58They did.
07:59Kathy took one look at this and fled from the house.
08:03It's the lowest trick I've ever heard of.
08:05She's turned our bedroom into her campaign headquarters.
08:07That's pretty terrible, all right.
08:09I could kill myself.
08:10Because your cousin's such a sneak?
08:12No, because I didn't think of it first.
08:15Come on.
08:16Where to?
08:17We're going to counterattack.
08:19-♪♪
08:28Can I help you, Kathy?
08:30You've already helped me by letting me have your room, Ross.
08:33You're certain you won't mind sleeping on the couch?
08:35For 50 cents a night, I'd sleep on the roof.
08:38-♪♪
08:40Are you sure Conrad Hilton started this way?
08:45The banner's up.
08:46Good.
08:50I wonder what the sneak is up to.
08:52I wonder what the sneak is up to.
08:54-♪♪
08:57They've got the banner up.
08:59You better trust a relative.
09:01Gee, Patty, you practically threw her out of here.
09:03She had to go somewhere.
09:04Whose side are you on?
09:06Yours, only I hate to see women go to war.
09:08At least men are logical.
09:10I wish I knew what she was doing.
09:12What's the difference?
09:13It's just good strategy to know what the enemy has up her sleeve.
09:16Hi, group.
09:17Say, what do you hear from the White House?
09:19You.
09:20You gave her your room, you traitor.
09:22That's a lie.
09:23I'm renting it to her.
09:26Ross.
09:27Yes, Mr. President?
09:28How'd you like to be a spy?
09:29I'm too young to get shot.
09:30For a dollar?
09:31You just bought yourself a spy.
09:33Who do I shoot?
09:34I can't get into Kathy's headquarters, but you can.
09:36Gee, I don't know, sis.
09:38All you have to do is let me know what's going on in there, what she's planning.
09:41I'll take my money in advance.
09:43Richard.
09:45Give him a dollar for me, will you?
09:49I wonder if campaign contributions are deductible.
09:52Now I want you to get me all the information you can.
09:54I feel like Matt O'Hara.
09:56Is the new campaign slogan ready?
09:57They're still working on it.
09:58What's it going to say?
09:59Take the right lane, Patty.
10:01How's that for a slogan?
10:04Take the right lane, Patty.
10:07That's great, Richard.
10:09By the way, where are you going to put it?
10:12In the school corridor tomorrow morning at 8 o'clock.
10:15It'll be the first thing the kids see when they get to school.
10:23Hi, Kenneth.
10:24What are your plans?
10:25We're going to have a rally at noon tomorrow.
10:29How many L's in rally?
10:31Tomorrow afternoon we can put up the campaign posters.
10:34We can do it as soon as school is over.
10:36Tomorrow afternoon will be too late.
10:38What?
10:40Nothing.
10:41Do you know what we lack?
10:43A good, effective campaign slogan.
10:45Kathy?
10:46Yes, Rod?
10:47How would you like to hire a counter-spy?
10:55Look!
10:58We've been taken!
11:05Would you please ask Kathy to pass the salt?
11:07Kathy, would you pass...
11:09Aren't you talking to her?
11:10I'd rather not discuss it.
11:12Then I'm afraid you'll have to try a salt-free diet.
11:16Would you please ask Patty to pass the bread, Uncle Martin?
11:19Even in national presidential campaigns,
11:22the candidates still talk to one another.
11:24But they don't call their opponents spindle-headed boars.
11:27And they don't accuse their opponents of having milkshakes for brains.
11:30They do if it's true.
11:31As for you, do you know what you are?
11:33Sure, an operator.
11:34You have to fight fire with fire.
11:36Listen, you...
11:37Time!
11:38Now, what is this all about?
11:40Kathy is running a vicious, underhanded campaign.
11:42I can't help it if the truth hurts.
11:44The students don't want an electronic brain for president.
11:46They want a natural-born leader, like me.
11:48Now, wait a minute.
11:50Let's declare the dining room neutral territory, okay?
11:53It's too late.
11:54And it's your fault.
11:55My fault? I'm not even running.
11:57Maybe you should start.
11:58I asked you to let both of them withdraw in the beginning, King Solomon.
12:01Well, you were wrong.
12:03This is nothing but a little healthy letting off of steam.
12:08Ross, would you ask your mother to pass me the butter?
12:20Couldn't you sleep either?
12:21No.
12:23Too much political tension in the air.
12:25I'll fix that for you.
12:27Oh, thanks.
12:30You know, I'm sorry about that little scene at dinner tonight.
12:34We both acted like children.
12:40You know, it's really ridiculous of us to worry about the girls.
12:43They love one another.
12:44I know.
12:45They couldn't be closer if they were sisters.
12:47I know.
12:49Well, what are we so worried about?
12:51Well, Martin, what if Kathy's elected?
12:53What about Patty?
12:54What do you mean?
12:55Patty won't like it one bit.
12:56She's a born winner.
12:58Well, maybe it's time she had a little experience as a loser.
13:01Patty would take it very hard if she lost.
13:03So would Kathy.
13:04Oh, look, Natalie.
13:05I've covered hundreds of campaigns.
13:07This isn't a smoke-filled caucus room.
13:09These are two sensitive girls competing with each other.
13:12And they're beginning to beat each other's brains out.
13:14What do you want, mayonnaise or mustard?
13:16I'll vote for mustard.
13:17I'll take mayonnaise.
13:19I heard on tonight's grapevine
13:21that Richard's going to take a straw ballot.
13:23How'd it come out?
13:24Ross doesn't know yet.
13:25Ross?
13:26He's your grapevine?
13:27Don't laugh.
13:28I think there's a good chance
13:29Ross could come out of this election a millionaire.
13:33Martin, what does a straw ballot mean?
13:36Well, if Richard's handling it, I don't think it means anything.
13:39How could anybody win with Richard running their campaign?
13:42I think he's a sweet boy.
13:44I didn't say he wasn't.
13:45He just shouldn't be running anything.
13:47Isn't it terrible?
13:49I don't even want to hear what the results are.
13:51Period.
13:52I don't even know who to root for.
13:54Oh, we're being silly.
13:56It looks like a big problem now,
13:58but in a few days we'll be laughing about all this.
14:00Are you sure?
14:01I'm positive.
14:02The election will be over,
14:03the winner and the loser will be buddies again,
14:05and all of these attacks on each other will be forgotten.
14:07You just wait and see.
14:11Here's your sandwich.
14:13I'm not hungry.
14:16Neither am I.
14:22How's it look?
14:24Shake the milkshake, kids.
14:26Vote for Kathy.
14:27That's fine, Mary.
14:28Try to get them out by tonight,
14:30and we'll distribute them in all of Patty's classes tomorrow.
14:32Right, Chief.
14:34Ted, how do you like it?
14:36Fine.
14:38Is anything wrong?
14:40Is anything wrong?
14:42Well, Kathy, can I see you a minute?
14:47Richard took a straw ballot,
14:49so I thought we should take one.
14:51I just got the results.
14:53What were they?
14:54Well, I'm going to give it to you straight.
14:56Patty got 50%.
14:58You got 30%.
14:59Susan got 15%,
15:01and 5% voted for Rock Hudson.
15:05Well, I suppose that's it, then.
15:07But we're not licked yet.
15:09The reason Patty has such a big edge
15:11is because everyone knows her.
15:12Don't forget, she's been going here since she was a freshman.
15:15Well, it's too late for me to become a freshman.
15:18Ah, but it's not too late for everyone to get to know you.
15:20How?
15:21By challenging her to a debate.
15:24A debate?
15:25A debate helped elect a president of the United States.
15:29The Lincoln-Douglas debate in 1860.
15:32You have been away a long time.
15:34Look, we could hold it in the big gym.
15:36The entire girls' league would get a chance to hear you.
15:39It's a marvelous idea, Ted.
15:41There's only one problem.
15:42Patty might refuse.
15:44Not Patty.
15:46She's too much of an egomaniac.
15:49That egomaniac.
15:51Challenging me to a debate.
15:53We know what to say to her.
15:54Right, we say no.
15:55No.
15:56Why don't you challenge her to a game of handball?
15:59You think she can out-debate me?
16:01That's not the point.
16:03Ross sold me a copy of that straw vote that Kathy took.
16:06We're ahead.
16:07All we have to do to win is sit tight.
16:09Everybody knows you.
16:11If you debate with her, everybody will get a chance to know Kathy.
16:14That's good.
16:15That's bad.
16:16I have a feeling we better not tangle with her.
16:18I have a feeling we better.
16:21We debate.
16:25Hello.
16:33I just wanted to let you know I accept your challenge.
16:38I knew you would.
16:40I'm only doing it to give you a fighting chance.
16:42I've already won the election.
16:44If you're referring to that straw ballot of Richard's, it doesn't mean a thing.
16:48I bet it would if you were winning.
16:52I suppose it would.
16:55I shouldn't have said that.
16:57You were right.
16:59What's a straw ballot anyway?
17:01Especially with Richard taking it.
17:04I wish we had never gotten involved in this, Patty.
17:08So do I.
17:10This whole thing's gotten bigger than both of us.
17:12It almost seems as though you have to be mean to win.
17:15That's politics.
17:18Well, it will all be over soon.
17:20Yeah.
17:23Gee, this is the first friendly conversation we've had in a long time.
17:27It feels good.
17:28I know.
17:29Patty, perhaps we shouldn't go ahead with the debate.
17:32I thought you wanted it.
17:34I did.
17:36But now I think I'd feel better if we didn't go ahead with it.
17:39All right.
17:40If you're worried about it, we can call it off.
17:42I wasn't worried for me.
17:44I was thinking about you.
17:46Me?
17:47I never told you this.
17:49But I was the debating champion of Mrs. Tuttles of Mountain Briar.
17:52Well, this isn't Mrs. Tuttles of Mountain Briar, cousin.
17:56This is Brooklyn Heights, my territory.
17:58I was only trying to help you.
18:00But you're too pig-headed.
18:02All right.
18:03We debate.
18:04Right, we debate.
18:28All right.
18:58Elect Patty and the entire student body will be dancing in the corridors with a hot dog in one hand and a milkshake in the other.
19:26She'll turn Brooklyn Heights High into an amusement park.
19:29Her school should mean more than that.
19:32Patty's a prominent personality and a promising promoter.
19:36But she is not a president.
19:38If the Girls League votes for Patty tomorrow, it will be making a grave mistake.
19:49And now for her summation, Patty Lane.
19:57If you have a Kathy Lane for a friend, you don't need an enemy.
20:03What's wrong with a little dancing in the corridors?
20:07Things are lively around here and we're going to keep them that way.
20:11What we need is a president who knows our problems.
20:14If Kathy is elected president, our biggest problem will be our president.
20:18She turned.
20:19My own.
20:21Sweet brother.
20:23Who adored me.
20:25Into a Benedict Arnold.
20:28Let's not turn her loose on strangers.
20:31Keep her out of office.
20:33If she's elected, you'll be setting our school back 50 years.
20:45And now for the summation of our third candidate, Susan Baxter.
20:54Vote for me.
21:00The stewards have just finished tallying the votes.
21:04This has been the most closely contested election in the history of the school.
21:09The candidates put up a hard fight.
21:12In fact, one could have wished for a little less heat and a lot more light.
21:16Things were said during this campaign that could have been called for.
21:20Things were said during this campaign that could have been put under the heading of battle fever.
21:25Now that the election is over, I hope these things will be forgotten.
21:29And all the bitterness put aside in the best tradition of American fair play.
21:35And now, let's see who the new president of the girls' league is.
21:46I got here as quickly as I could. What's happened?
21:48Patty's running away from home.
21:49How do you know?
21:50Come upstairs.
21:54There.
21:55Why would she do this?
21:57Kathy must have won the election and Patty couldn't face it.
22:00Where is Patty?
22:01I can't find her anywhere. I phoned you as soon as I saw this.
22:04I've heard of bad losers, but this is ridiculous.
22:07There's a lot of bitterness between them.
22:10Patty always felt that she's the more popular. It must have killed her to have Kathy show her up.
22:14Well, it's time Patty found out life is not one big popularity contest.
22:18Write it to her when she gets settled.
22:23We better hurry with that suitcase.
22:24It's all ready.
22:25Hold it.
22:26How could you do this?
22:27I might have known you were mixed up in this.
22:29Young lady, you are not going anywhere.
22:32What are you talking about?
22:33You and Kathy, you are going to sit down woman to woman and settle your differences.
22:39There's no point in that. We both...
22:40Oh, yes, there is. You both belong here.
22:44Of course we do.
22:46Then you'll stay?
22:49Sure, Papa.
22:50That's my girl.
22:51Oh, you sure have an emotional family.
22:56Hello.
22:58Say hello.
23:01Hello.
23:03There, that's better.
23:05Better than what?
23:07Cool it.
23:08Now, Patty and Kathy, we were a very happy family before this election and we are going to be a happy family again.
23:15Now, isn't that what you really want? Both of you?
23:18Sure.
23:20Wait a minute.
23:21Good. Now, just because Kathy won the election, you can't...
23:23I didn't win.
23:25You won and you're still going to run...
23:26I didn't win.
23:28You didn't?
23:30No.
23:31Kathy and I knocked each other out of the box.
23:34Susan Baxter won the dark horse.
23:39What about the suitcase?
23:41Yeah, what about it?
23:42Listen, I don't mean to be a nag, but we better get it down.
23:45That truck will be here any minute.
23:47Truck?
23:48The first thing Susan did as president was start a drive for the Salvation Army.
23:52We're contributing all our old clothes and things to it.
23:55You mean you had no intention of running away from...
23:57Of course not.
23:59Kathy and I buried the hatchet.
24:02In each other, but we buried it.
24:05Well, I told you it would be all right.
24:09Don't you know you couldn't dynamite us out of here?
24:12Where else would we find a family like this with color television?
24:16Come on.
24:18I'd better get ready.
24:19Ted is taking me to the mashed potato ball tonight.
24:25Oh, I'm so proud of him, I could burst.
24:28So am I.
24:30I'm glad it's all over.
24:34Hi, group.
24:35Boy, have I got good news for you.
24:37Guess who got nominated for president of the fifth grade?
24:41Oh, no!
24:57Here's Kathy who's lived most everywhere
25:01From Zanzibar to Barkley Square
25:04But Paddy's only seen the sights
25:06A girl can see from Brooklyn Heights
25:08What a crazy pair
25:10But they're cousins
25:13Identical cousins and you'll find
25:17They laugh alike, they walk alike
25:19At times they even talk alike
25:21You can lose your mind
25:23When cousins are two of a kind