TV-G | 30min | Comedy, Drama, Family, Music, TV Series | Episode aired 18 September 1963
Patty falls for her substitute French teacher.
Director: William Asher
Writers: Sidney Sheldon, William Asher
Stars: Patty Duke, William Schallert, Jean Byron
Patty falls for her substitute French teacher.
Director: William Asher
Writers: Sidney Sheldon, William Asher
Stars: Patty Duke, William Schallert, Jean Byron
Category
🎥
Short filmTranscript
00:00Cab! Bounce it! We'll be late for prison!
00:06How do you expect me to be ready? You've had the bathroom tied up all morning.
00:14Ouch! That's me!
00:16Sorry, chum. Stop wiggling.
00:19Hi there, folks! Hi, Ty!
00:21Uh, Papa, would you swing with the old ex?
00:24I presume that in some unknown tongue that's a request for my signature.
00:28Oh, your report card.
00:30You don't have to read it now. I'm late.
00:32I'd like to hear it.
00:34World History, 100. English, 100. Psychology, 100. Geometry, 100.
00:41Marvelous.
00:42Here's a pen.
00:43Thanks. First, let's find out who made these remarkable grades.
00:49Your cousin, Kathy.
00:50Told you not to read it.
00:52Boy, that's real crooked. Wish I'd thought of it.
00:54You will.
00:57Oh, Kathy, do you happen to have Patty's report card?
01:03Why?
01:05It's all right. I'm a loser.
01:07I'd like to hear that one, too.
01:10Well, it's more like it. All 70s.
01:13Except for French, in which you got a 65.
01:16That's my French teacher's fault.
01:18She's not good at French?
01:20Her mind was on other things. She just quit to get married.
01:23Patty, let's get something straight.
01:25If you weren't capable of getting a better report card, I wouldn't expect it of you.
01:28But you are, and I do.
01:31If you were graded in boys and telephone, you'd be at the top of your class.
01:35There are other things in life.
01:37Name one.
01:38Books, for instance.
01:39And isn't 65 flunking?
01:41Oui.
01:42But French is a moth-eaten drag.
01:44I mean, it'd be different if I were going to marry some Frenchman and have to speak French.
01:47But I'll probably make the big splash with Richard someday.
01:50Then you won't even have to speak English.
01:52Bye.
01:55There's my monster now.
01:58Bye.
02:01Kathy, see if you can't rub off on her a little bit.
02:04I'll try, Uncle Martin.
02:06Bye.
02:07For heaven's sakes, don't let her rub off on you.
02:09Wait for me.
02:11I think with Kathy here from Europe, Patty would mature a little faster.
02:15Haven't you heard, darling? Girls are influenced by boys.
02:19Bye.
02:23Meet Kathy, who's lived most everywhere
02:27From Zanzibar to Berkeley Square
02:30But Patty's only seen the sights a girl can see from Brooklyn Heights
02:34What a crazy pair
02:36But they're cousins
02:39Identical cousins all the way
02:43One pair of matching bookends
02:46Different as night and day
02:49Where Kathy adores a minuet
02:52The ballet Russe and Crepe Suzette
02:55Our Patty loves to rock and roll
02:57A hot dog makes her lose control
02:59What a wild duet
03:01Still they're cousins
03:04Identical cousins and you'll find
03:08They laugh alike, they walk alike
03:10At times they even talk alike
03:12You can lose your mind
03:14When cousins are two of a kind
03:26I'll change you four Frankie Avalon's for three Dion's.
03:29I don't know, I don't have...
03:30Good morning, guys.
03:32Here we go with the French bit again.
03:34I'll be glad when I can flunk and get it over with.
03:36I know what you mean.
03:37As far as I'm concerned, I...
03:39Yai, yai, yai, yai.
03:42I'm your new French teacher.
03:44My name is Antoine.
03:45As you know, Mlle. Turner left to get married.
03:48Since I do not have the good fortune of being married,
03:52I'm here as your substitute teacher.
03:55I'm going to enjoy teaching you French
03:58and I'm sure you are going to enjoy learning it.
04:01Yeah.
04:02French is the language of statesmen,
04:06the language of poets,
04:08the language of lovers.
04:10I'll buy that.
04:16Now will you give me, Alice,
04:18the different meanings in French
04:20of the word undivided.
04:22Undivided.
04:24Entier,
04:26indivisé,
04:28and unanime.
04:30Unanime.
04:31That's all right, thank you.
04:33Now...
04:36Mlle, please.
04:38Me?
04:39Yes, yes, you.
04:40S'il vous plaît.
04:42What is your name?
04:44Mlle Patti Lane.
04:47Patti, that's a very charming name.
04:49Do you like it?
04:51Well, in our lesson today,
04:54we have the word nightmare.
04:56Could you please tell the class what it is?
05:01It's a bad dream.
05:04Bad dream?
05:06Yes, of course, but in French.
05:09It's probably a bad dream in French, too.
05:14You're probably nervous.
05:15There's no need to be.
05:17The word in French is cauchemar.
05:20That's it.
05:22Cauchemar.
05:26Now, you are all very good students
05:29and I think we will get along very well together.
05:32I will turn in your homework
05:34before you leave, please.
05:46Mlle Lane.
05:48Don't you want to turn in your homework?
05:51I'd love to,
05:53but I didn't do it.
05:55Why? Don't you like French?
05:58Oh, I do.
05:59I think it's a beautiful language.
06:01All sensitive people think so.
06:03Of all the romantic languages, it is the softest
06:06and the most expressive.
06:07There are things that can be said in French
06:10that can be said in no other language.
06:12I'm sure there are.
06:14Betty, I would like you to do me a favor.
06:17Anything.
06:18I would like you to be my test case.
06:21Your test case?
06:23What you Americans call guinea pig.
06:26I'd love to be your guinea pig.
06:29Now, I understand your French grade is 65, no?
06:33Yes.
06:34Well, I would be very unhappy if you failed in French.
06:38I would take it as a reflection on the French language.
06:41As a matter of fact, if a girl as intelligent as you
06:44wouldn't have a mark of 100,
06:47it would make me feel that I failed you.
06:50Please, do not let me fail you.
06:53Oh, I won't.
07:00Hey, Patty, how's the new teach?
07:03Hey, Patty!
07:05Want to go for a mordid?
07:08Another time maybe, Richard.
07:10Thanks for asking.
07:11Patty?
07:14What did you call me?
07:18Patty.
07:19Patty.
07:20Patty.
07:21Patty.
07:22Patty.
07:23Patty.
07:24Patty.
07:25Patty.
07:26Patty.
07:27Patty.
07:28Patty.
07:30Isn't it funny?
07:31I never realized what a beautiful name it was before.
07:35This is the greatest day of my whole life.
07:38What's happened?
07:39Can't talk about it.
07:41We always tell each other everything.
07:43Some things are too fragile to discuss.
07:46Someday, maybe you'll understand.
07:52Kathy?
07:53Boy, she sure is acting far out, isn't she?
07:55What did she say?
07:58She didn't say.
08:01Come on, gang, let's get moving.
08:02That picture starts at 7.36.
08:05You know, they must have little men all over the country
08:07who plan it so that movies never start at a convenient hour.
08:10I've been waiting since noon.
08:12Where's Patty?
08:13She's not coming.
08:14She's staying in to do some homework.
08:15Patty?
08:16I don't know which Patty you're talking about,
08:18but the Patty she's talking about
08:19isn't passing up a movie to do homework.
08:25Je ne donne réfléchir.
08:27That is food for thought.
08:29Ce ne vaut mieux comme ça.
08:31It is better that way.
08:33I understand you're not going to the movies with us tonight.
08:35I hope you don't mind, mon père.
08:37Oh, no, no, of course not.
08:39Not if you'd rather stay home and study French.
08:42Well, I'll see you later.
08:44I mean, au revoir, ma fille.
08:47Enjoy the movie.
08:49Ce ne vaut mieux comme ça.
08:52It is better that way.
08:57Now, who can translate the phrase
08:59that goes without saying?
09:07Patty.
09:09Ce ne va sans dire.
09:11Very good.
09:13Who would try and translate
09:15that is food for thought?
09:18Ce ne donne réfléchir.
09:20Excellent.
09:22Now, Alice,
09:24will you please decline the verb servir?
09:27Servir, to serve.
09:29Je sers, tu sers, il sert.
09:31Nous servons, vous servez, ils servent.
09:33Patty, please leave some French with the others.
09:42You were excellent today, Patty.
09:44A little bit enthusiastic, but excellent.
09:47Here's my homework for today.
09:49Thank you, Patty.
09:50And here's my homework for the rest of the week.
09:52You are very ambitious.
09:54And here's my homework for next week.
09:56Excellent.
09:58I wouldn't want to let you down.
10:00I appreciate that, Patty.
10:02Ever.
10:04I'll bet you miss Paris.
10:07Very much.
10:09Have you ever been there?
10:11I've never been farther than Staten Island.
10:13Well, if you ever go there,
10:14you must allow me to show it to you.
10:16Do you mean it?
10:18Of course.
10:19I'll be delighted.
10:21I know all the enchanted places.
10:24There's a little square near the Rue de Boulogne
10:27that is filled with chestnut trees.
10:30And there's a bakery on the corner,
10:32and you can smell hot brioche blocks away.
10:36We used to walk there on spring mornings.
10:39We?
10:41Yes, Louise and I.
10:43Louise was my fiancée.
10:45Was?
10:47We had a quarrel.
10:49So I came to America alone.
10:52Oh, that's too bad.
10:55She was very lovely.
10:57How lonely you must be.
10:59That's why I enjoy teaching.
11:01It's less lonely when I'm around you.
11:04I know how you feel.
11:08It's beautiful.
11:10I cannot tell you how happy you made me.
11:13Oh?
11:14It's perfect.
11:15It's exactly what I knew would happen
11:17the first day we talked.
11:19What is she like?
11:21Who?
11:22Louise.
11:24Oh, she's warm and loving.
11:27Someone to share things with.
11:30And with all that, she's a very good housekeeper.
11:32A very good cook.
11:34I can make fudge with nuts.
11:36I'm sure you can.
11:38And I'm sure you'll make a wonderful wife one day.
11:42Oh!
11:52Good morning, dear.
11:53Morning.
11:54Feeling better?
11:55Yeah, it was just a touch of indigestion.
11:57Is there any way we can get Patty to stop making those brioches?
12:01Oh, don't discourage her.
12:02She was up early this morning,
12:03made breakfast for Kathy and Ross,
12:05and cleaned up the kitchen.
12:06I hope my health holds up.
12:08I hope so, too.
12:09She's made you a nice, fresh brioche.
12:11I don't deserve such happiness.
12:13Good morning, mother dear.
12:14Good morning, darling.
12:15Would you mind signing my report card?
12:20You got these grades?
12:22Mm-hmm.
12:23Why, every one of your grades has gone up.
12:25Martin, look, she got 100 in French.
12:29Patty, boy, we're really proud of you.
12:31I mean, you've...
12:32Grown up overnight.
12:35One must mature sometime, mustn't one?
12:39I think of all the time I've wasted.
12:42But there's no point in crying over laid perdu.
12:45That's spilt milk.
12:47In French.
12:49I'd better get started for school.
12:52Isn't Richard picking you up?
12:54That's all over, mother.
12:56Have you ever noticed how young poor Richard is?
13:01Would you mind if I, uh,
13:03had someone from school to dinner one night?
13:05Of course not, dear. Who is he?
13:07His name is Andre.
13:10Andre Malone.
13:14Goodbye, my darlings.
13:16Goodbye, my darlings?
13:18Andre Malone.
13:20Where was he when we needed him?
13:22He must be a newborn.
13:31Kathy.
13:32Hello, Richard.
13:33Can I talk to you for a few minutes?
13:35Certainly.
13:36About Patty.
13:37Did I do something wrong?
13:39I'm certain you didn't.
13:41She acts like I don't even exist.
13:43She gave me back my pin and wouldn't even tell me why.
13:46She begged me for this pin.
13:50I don't know what's happened to Patty either.
13:52But I'm sure it will work out.
13:54At first I thought it might be another guy.
13:56But I looked at them, and I looked at me, and...
13:59Well, it couldn't be any other guy.
14:02Sometimes a girl can be attracted by more than just good looks.
14:07Yeah.
14:08Well, if it's somebody else, she better get them out of her system fast.
14:11Because I might not be around.
14:13You wouldn't do anything foolish.
14:15I already have.
14:17I sent my application into the Merchant Marine.
14:19You didn't.
14:20I didn't want to go.
14:22I get seasick.
14:25Listen, you're a girl.
14:26There must be something I can do to get Patty back.
14:29The strongest weapon against a woman is usually jealousy.
14:40Kathy? Richard?
14:46Maybe I should join the Foreign Legion.
14:53Am I interrupting?
14:55Not at all. Come in.
14:56Come in, Patty.
14:59Do you like it?
15:00Well, it's...
15:01Pompadour.
15:02Oh, it's very lovely.
15:06What's that little red thing on your jacket?
15:08The Legion of Honor.
15:11How did you get it?
15:12During the war.
15:13What did you do?
15:14Oh, nothing.
15:19Oh, I talked to my parents.
15:21They want to meet you.
15:23I'd be delighted.
15:24I haven't told them about us yet.
15:26Us?
15:27Father will love you.
15:29Just as I love you.
15:32What did you say?
15:34I love you.
15:36Patty.
15:38Patty, there must be some misunderstanding.
15:41I mean, you are extremely sweet.
15:44But you are also extremely young.
15:47You changed me into a woman.
15:49I did nothing of the sort.
15:53What about your boyfriend?
15:54Richard?
15:56You don't have to worry about him.
15:58I gave him up the day I met you.
16:01The day you asked me to be here.
16:03You're getting big.
16:05I meant in French.
16:09Au revoir, Monsieur.
16:12Au revoir.
16:21Give it another lead and see if you can stretch it out for an extra column.
16:24Tell Holt to stay over there and cable any new developments.
16:26I'll get back to you later.
16:30Yes?
16:31You're late for your luncheon date.
16:33JR wants to talk to you and there's a Mr. Andre Malone outside waiting for you.
16:37All right.
16:38Call the restaurant, tell him I'm on my way.
16:40Tell JR I'll see him right after lunch and get rid of Mr...
16:43Wait a minute. Did you say Andre Malone?
16:45Yes, sir.
16:47The miracle worker.
16:48Gotta meet that boy.
16:50Send him in.
16:51Yes, sir.
16:54Good morning, sir.
16:56My name is Andre Malone.
16:58Mr. Malone?
17:00Where's your son?
17:02What son?
17:03Andre Jr.
17:04Patty's new boyfriend.
17:06My son is Andre Sr.
17:08You're...
17:09I am Patty's French teacher.
17:10You mean that you and my underage daughter...
17:13Oh, no, no, no, no, sir.
17:15Until this morning, I had no idea that he was romantically interested in me.
17:21I picked her out...
17:22Ah-ha!
17:24Because she had the lowest marks in the class.
17:28I wanted to find out what encouragement would do.
17:31But Patty completely misunderstood.
17:34That explains a lot of things.
17:36Well, sit down, Mr. Malone.
17:39I think she wants to marry me.
17:41It'd serve you right.
17:42No, it's no time for jokes. I need your help.
17:44What are we going to do about it?
17:46You're French. You think of something.
17:49Or bid her to see me.
17:51Oh, no. You don't make me that happy.
17:53What do you suggest?
17:56Tell her the truth.
17:57Tell her that she's made a mistake.
18:00That you actually are not interested in her.
18:02Oh, no, no, no. As a Frenchman, I could never do that.
18:04No, it would only humiliate and hurt her.
18:07Well, then tell her something else.
18:09I mean, the whole thing is ridiculous.
18:10You're old enough to be her father.
18:13That's it!
18:16Do you realize this is our first real date together?
18:20Yes.
18:21Oh, Patti, I'm sorry I cannot take you dancing or bowling
18:24or any of the things you love to do.
18:26But I like to spend my evenings in a rocking chair.
18:29Reading.
18:30Games are for children.
18:33I'm so excited I can't eat.
18:35What would you like?
18:36A shrimp cocktail, tenderloin steak,
18:38baked potato with sour cream, salad,
18:40and some strawberry shortcake.
18:42And a glass of hot milk and some crackers for me.
18:45You must be excited, too.
18:47The French digestive systems are terrible.
18:51I'm learning to cook all your favorite dishes.
18:54Well, you can heat my milk.
19:03What are all those pills for?
19:05That's all that keeps me going.
19:10Rheumatism, liver, high blood pressure,
19:13high blood pressure, digestion,
19:19You're young at heart, Andre.
19:24Hay fever.
19:25Andre.
19:27I know it's terrible of me to say this,
19:31but I'm glad you have all these things wrong with you.
19:33Glad?
19:35I'm going to spend the rest of my life
19:38nursing you.
19:40I tell you, I've never met anyone like her.
19:42I cannot do anything wrong.
19:44I tell her that because I'm a Frenchman,
19:46I will flirt with other girls,
19:48and she understands.
19:50I tell her that I will often get drunk.
19:52She says she will carry me home.
19:54I tell her I'm a gambler.
19:55She offers to place my bets.
19:57I cannot cope with a woman like that.
19:59But she's not a woman.
20:01There must be some way to discourage her.
20:03Well, we better find it quickly,
20:04because I just received a letter from my fiancée,
20:06and she's arriving here to join me.
20:08Oh, don't worry. We'll find a way.
20:10Oh, it won't be easy. I'm quite attractive, you know.
20:17Did you find out anything?
20:18I found out who he is.
20:20Just tell me his name, boy, and I'll, I'll...
20:23Andre Mallon.
20:24I'll go check with the Merchant Marine again.
20:27What's the use?
20:28She prefers the old Frenchman to me.
20:30Well, I don't believe she really does.
20:34Now, here's what I want you to do.
20:37First of all, if you'll get yourself a pencil and some...
20:41Knit one, purl two.
20:44Purl two, knit one.
20:50How is Andre?
20:51He's very sick.
20:53You think he's sick?
20:55Look at this.
20:59Star quarterback suspended from football team.
21:02Richard Harrison dropped on eve of game with Lakeview.
21:05They can't take Richard out of the game. He's the star.
21:08He was the star.
21:11How could this happen?
21:12It happened because he's failing in all his subjects.
21:15Mr. Edwards, the principal, offered to let Richard take make-up tests and he refused.
21:20He's even trying to enlist in the Merchant Marines.
21:23Richard?
21:24He gets seasick.
21:26He simply doesn't care about anything anymore.
21:28And it's all because of you.
21:31Me?
21:32Me?
21:33Have you any idea what you've done to him?
21:36You have taken a boy who was a football star, president of his class, a scholar,
21:41and you've turned him into an empty shell.
21:45I did all that?
21:47Why didn't you tell me before?
21:49You wouldn't let me.
21:51He said you wouldn't be interested.
21:53Not interested?
21:55How can you ruin a person's life and not be interested?
21:59I've destroyed him.
22:02I wonder who that could be.
22:06All right, Rach.
22:09Richard.
22:15You need me more than Andre does.
22:23Hello.
22:25Oh, come in, Betty.
22:27I must have a talk with you.
22:28I must have a talk with you too, Andre.
22:30It is about us.
22:31That's what I want to talk to you about.
22:32Andre, I know this is going to come as a terrible shock to you,
22:35but I've made an awful mistake.
22:37No, it wasn't my fault.
22:38You see, I'd never met an American teenage girl before, and when I...
22:42What did you say?
22:43We both almost made a mistake.
22:46You see, I was trying to take Louise's place in your life.
22:49I felt sorry for you.
22:51But that's not the same as love.
22:52We could never have been happy together.
22:54Moment!
22:55What makes you think I couldn't make you happy?
22:58Well, for one thing, I'm too young for you.
23:00But you'll get older.
23:01You said so yourself.
23:02I've decided to get older with Richard.
23:04Richard!
23:06Are you throwing me over for Richard?
23:09He can't ruin his life.
23:10He was ready to destroy himself.
23:12But...
23:16I see.
23:19Well, I'll be brokenhearted for a while, of course.
23:23And you'll be careful of your diet?
23:25Oh, don't worry about me.
23:27Manage.
23:29Thank you, Andre.
23:31I shall never forget you.
23:36Your Richard is a very lucky young man.
23:38Yes, he is. He's back on the football team.
23:40Oh!
23:42Maybe you could make up with Louise.
23:45That's a wonderful idea.
23:47She's a great deal like you.
23:49In a vintage model, of course.
23:52Well, c'est la vie.
23:59Everything cuckoo?
24:01Yeah. He'll be heartbroken for a while, but he'll get over it.
24:04How about a more...
24:05Cuckoo.
24:06Let's split.
24:10Ouch!
24:12Sorry, chum.
24:13Stop wiggling.
24:15Hi, Jack.
24:17I need a doodle from the Speaker of the House.
24:19I presume the English translation of that is you'd like my signature?
24:22You cut it.
24:23I was just lucky.
24:24French 65.
24:26Yeah, I'm sorry about that, Dad.
24:28Uh, never mind.
24:30I mean, it's not as though you were going to marry a Frenchman or anything.
24:38Monster time.
24:43Bye.
24:46Bye.
24:54Bye.
24:55Bye.
25:24You can lose your mind when cousins are two of a kind.