#JustForLaughs
Watch more #standup #comedy on youtube from Just for Laughs https://youtube.com/@justforlaughs/videos
ABOUT JUST FOR LAUGHS :
Just For Laughs is the world’s premiere destination for stand up comedy. JFL produces the world’s largest and most prestigious comedy event every July in Montreal, as well as annual festivals in Quebec City, Vancouver and Sydney.
Watch more #standup #comedy on youtube from Just for Laughs https://youtube.com/@justforlaughs/videos
ABOUT JUST FOR LAUGHS :
Just For Laughs is the world’s premiere destination for stand up comedy. JFL produces the world’s largest and most prestigious comedy event every July in Montreal, as well as annual festivals in Quebec City, Vancouver and Sydney.
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NewsTranscript
00:00I hate using public restrooms, like, because they're...
00:04Women don't know this. Guys' restrooms are filthy.
00:08Like, every guy's urinal is surrounded by a lake of urine.
00:12And we don't talk about it. We're just like,
00:14oh, it's just a miscellaneous liquid.
00:16You know what the f*** it is. It's yellow.
00:19Every guy's shoe is coated in the piss of a thousand strangers.
00:23And then we walk around your houses.
00:25Yes, your houses. Horrible.
00:28If your shoelaces are untied, burn your legs off.
00:33So I don't like using them.
00:34But I was at a bookstore and I really had to go.
00:36So I go in. It's empty. Great news. It's empty.
00:40So there's four urinals.
00:42So now I have to do the quick math
00:44of which one has the least urine under it.
00:46But this one, there's, I mean, it's a nightmare.
00:49Like, there's a huge ocean under each one.
00:52They're irrigating each other.
00:54There's a mouse on a surfboard. One of those is a lie.
00:59So I picked the one closest to the wall,
01:01furthest away from all the other badness.
01:03And I'm about to start.
01:05Right before I start, this guy comes in.
01:07There's four urinals.
01:09And he comes and he stands right next to me.
01:12And then I hear him say to himself,
01:15but just loud enough that I heard,
01:17I hear him say, eyes forward, Gary.
01:21There's nobody else with him.
01:24So he gets the urge to stare so bad
01:28that he has to talk himself into the sport of not staring.
01:32So I'm like, all right, I'm going to let this guy finish.
01:35Then I'll start.
01:3630 seconds later, I hear him go, eyes forward, Gary.
01:42So he's losing the battle.
01:44So I'm like, all right, I'm going to let this guy finish.
01:48So he's losing the battle.
01:52So I work up my courage
01:54and I look out of the corner of my eye
01:55just to see what's going on.
01:57And it's a normal guy.
01:59And on his shoulders is a little two-year-old boy
02:03staring at my dick.
02:07It's f***ing Gary.
02:12He looks up, me and this child make direct eye contact.
02:16And then he's backed down to my dick.
02:19Pretty sure I made a serial killer that day.
02:23Also, who names their kid Gary?
02:27He didn't have a mustache or anything.
02:32You know how some people are too stupid to have opinions?
02:34You know what I mean?
02:34Like they haven't earned the right to have opinions.
02:38I was talking to this guy, background, I was raised Muslim.
02:42Hold for applause.
02:44All right, got it.
02:48I was raised Muslim and I was talking to this guy
02:50and he was never Muslim, you know,
02:52like never, like not even during college.
02:55Like I was drunk, I just touched a Quran, I swear.
02:59Doesn't count.
03:01And we were talking about the gender inequality
03:04in Saudi Arabia, the gender inequality in Saudi Arabia.
03:06And he looks at me, I swear, he looks at me
03:08and he's like, it's not really their fault, Kamal.
03:11The Quran says women can't drive.
03:17Pretty fucking sure the Quran never said that.
03:21Because if the Quran had said women can't drive cars
03:251400 years ago, I would be at the mosque right now.
03:31So would all of you.
03:34If 1400 years ago the Quran was like,
03:37someday there will be a metallic box
03:39that will carry you wherever you want.
03:42And in this we predict that it will have four wheels
03:43and you'll have to put gas and it tells you
03:44how fast you're going and you'll have a thing to control it
03:47and women shouldn't drive it.
03:50I would be like, I know two things for fucking sure.
03:53Islam is the one true religion and women shouldn't drive.
03:59I'm glad you guys laughed at that.
04:02Otherwise it sounds like I'm just giving a horrible speech.
04:06Islam is the one true religion, women shouldn't drive.
04:17Do you guys know what the Library of Congress is?
04:21Library of Congress is in America,
04:23they've been archiving on hard drives
04:25every piece of literature ever written.
04:28Every piece of literature ever written.
04:30They also revealed a few months ago
04:32that they've been archiving every tweet
04:34that's ever been tweeted right next to the same hard drives
04:38that carry the best literature ever written.
04:40So I wanna play this game, I'm gonna read you a quote
04:43and you have to tell me if it's something
04:45from a great piece of literature
04:48or if it's something I found on Twitter, okay?
04:52Literature or Twitter, here's the first one.
04:55It is not in the stars to hold our destiny
04:58but in ourselves, what do you think?
05:01Twitter, who are you following, William Shakespeare?
05:04Because that's who said that.
05:07It is not in the stars to hold our destiny
05:10but in ourselves, beautiful, isn't it?
05:11So true.
05:13Next one.
05:15Surrounded by MILFs at Taco Bell.
05:17Thank you Montreal, that's what I said.