• 2 days ago
Brendan Sagalow performing on #NewFaces2022 at #JustForLaughs Montreal Festival.

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Transcript
00:00I've lived in New York City for 11 years.
00:03What a f... No.
00:06What a nightmare.
00:08You're not supposed to live like that.
00:10You're not supposed to, like, walk out of your house
00:12and just see someone licking a brick at 11 in the morning.
00:18I once saw a guy sneeze and make no sneeze face,
00:21and I can't stop thinking about it.
00:24You ever see that? I was looking at this guy.
00:26He was like... Oh, my God.
00:30Jesus Christ.
00:35How busy do you have to be?
00:38How busy of a New Yorker do you have to be
00:41where you've cut out sneezing?
00:43He's like, we got to get to the Lion King.
00:45Ha! Ha!
00:47I missed the train.
00:51I don't even understand how people have kids there.
00:53My friends have kids, and they're, like,
00:55raising them in one-bedroom apartments.
00:57And I'm like, isn't it hard to have a sex life?
00:59You know what I mean? My parents were terrible at it.
01:01My parents were awful at hiding their sex life,
01:03and I grew up in the suburbs.
01:05One time I opened up a drawer and just an on dildo
01:08was like...
01:12Just going up. I didn't even go into their room.
01:14The drawer came into my room.
01:22That didn't happen.
01:25My parents are good people.
01:27My mom's crazy.
01:29She's got... She just installed this, like, novelty doorbell.
01:32This, like, musical doorbell into her house.
01:35It's one of those doorbells that's go...
01:37It goes, ding-dong, ding-dong.
01:40Ding-dong, ding-dong.
01:48And she has such a shitty house,
01:50it, like, doesn't make sense.
01:53I'm like, Mom, your doorbell should match your house.
01:55Like, she should have... What her doorbell should be
01:58is just a woman who smoked Newport cigarettes for 25 years.
02:01Just coughing. Just...
02:03That should be the...
02:08That should be the...
02:10What?!
02:12You know, like, yells at you.
02:18I'm pretty terrible at dating, obviously.
02:22This is, like, the shit I talk about when I'm dating someone.
02:25I'm so bad. One time I was having sex with a woman,
02:27and she said, I love how deep inside of me you are,
02:29and I said, like, same or whatever.
02:31I don't even know what I...
02:36That's insane.
02:40I'm such a coward.
02:42It's, like, crazy. I could do this, but it's, like,
02:44when it comes to dating, I, like...
02:46I'm one of those guys when you're on a date with somebody
02:48that, like, I'll ask a woman to kiss her
02:50during the first kiss. You know what I mean?
02:52Like, if we're, like, standing there,
02:54and I'll be like, can I...
02:58Sorry. May I...
03:03...kiss you?
03:05And every woman has the same reaction.
03:07They're all like, fine, sure.
03:12It's just so embarrassing.
03:14Have you ever gone in for a kiss and you get rejected?
03:16How embarrassing is that?
03:18When you're, like, going in and they're like...
03:22And you're here, so you can't lie.
03:24You know what I do now?
03:26I keep a quarter in my hand, so when I go in for a kiss
03:28and she goes, whoa, what are you doing?
03:30I go, magic, and then I...
03:32Move away.
03:36I throw a little smoke bomb down.
03:40Sneak away like the Grinch.
03:45I didn't even know I could do that.
03:49Yeah. That's a one-way ticket
03:51to the friend zone, to just be a coward.
03:53Because you, like, hold in how you like somebody
03:55for, like, years.
03:57You got to just make your intentions clear.
03:59I've been friend-zoned so many times.
04:01High school, college.
04:03Women do this thing that is so funny
04:05when you friend-zone a guy.
04:07When you know a guy likes you, but you don't like us,
04:09you will, like, call us dude and bro.
04:11You'll, like, put that into sentences.
04:13And, like, if we're really not getting it,
04:15bestie or, like, BFF.
04:17But it's, like, that doesn't work.
04:19I still have a crush on you.
04:21I've had girls do that in college all the time.
04:23They're, like, are you going to the bar tomorrow, dude?
04:25I'll see you there, bud.
04:27And I'm, like, I'm still in love with you, my guy.
04:31This isn't working, old buddy, old pal.
04:35Chief.
04:41It's so funny, man.
04:43I notice that shit all the time.
04:45I always see through those little polite lies.
04:47Like, have you ever been having sex with someone
04:49and they go, like, come for me?
04:51It's, like, I know what that means.
04:55That means speed this up.
04:59Come already is what that means.
05:03Come for me does not mean come for me.
05:05Come for me means come for Christ's sake.
05:07That's what that means.
05:11Next time someone goes come for me,
05:13I'm going to go, this is for you, muchacho.
05:25This is fun.
05:29I haven't had a drink for a while, too.
05:31I haven't had a drink almost two years.
05:33Thanks.
05:35Oh, wow.
05:37Remind me never to do that again.
05:43You know what I miss about drinking?
05:45This is really what I miss about drinking.
05:47Doing cocaine.
05:49It's just gone.
05:51I lost it in the divorce.
05:53How fun is cocaine?
05:55It's the best, right?
05:57Isn't it the best?
05:59A couple.
06:01A couple people.
06:03It's like the only time you're in a singles bathroom
06:05and, like, with another person and you're like,
06:07this is awesome.
06:09I like cocaine.
06:11You know, weed is my thing, though.
06:13I still get high.
06:15I still like to smoke weed.
06:17I like weed because you can just be high everywhere.
06:19You can't really do that with coke.
06:21You can't really do that with booze.
06:23If you're good at weed, you can just be high everywhere.
06:25Like, I used to get up in the morning
06:27and I would smoke a blunt and then I would go,
06:29like, to the nursing home and visit my grandma.
06:31And you really can't do that on coke.
06:33That'd be crazy.
06:35Absolutely nuts
06:37absolutely nuts to be like,
06:39Grandma, you got ideas?
06:43But weed is perfect.
06:45She's got dementia.
06:47I'm high.
06:49We're both like...
06:51What's our names again?
07:01I also like weed because...
07:03I don't know.
07:05On a daily basis, I have terrible thoughts.
07:07You know?
07:09I'm just, like, always thinking bad shit.
07:11And then I smoke weed and the thoughts
07:13aren't really that bad anymore.
07:15Like, the other day I had this thought.
07:17I went, I wonder what day I'm gonna die on.
07:19And then I smoked a joint and I was like,
07:21I hope it's a Friday.
07:31This is a lot of fun.
07:35Trying to lose weight.
07:37Weed's gotta go because I'm, like, eating burgers
07:39at 3 in the morning.
07:41I just, I want to lose weight so bad.
07:43I have sleep apnea.
07:45I had to get, like,
07:47I went to a sleep thingy and...
07:49Doctor?
07:51Sleep thingy!
07:55And we did a sleep study
07:57and I have sleep apnea so I have to wear one of those masks
07:59which is insane and I don't want to do that
08:01because I want kids one day.
08:03You can't have kids in a CPAP.
08:05Could you imagine being a little kid
08:07and having a nightmare and then running
08:09to your parents' bedroom?
08:11And you're like,
08:13guys, I had a scary dream, can I...
08:15And they're like...
08:21Sleep between us.
08:25My kid's like, I'm just gonna deal with the nightmares,
08:27I think.
08:29All right, thank you guys. Have a good night.